I feel more depressed and empty and regretful and upset than I ever have, yet I have had the least motivation to even think about suicide in awhile.
Also, on the discussion of my story I've been working on, I'm still lost. I've come to halt a little bit. I never have the motivation to do work on it (draw the comic). I just pass time browsing certain forums (recently I've been looking at more political or social or psychological threads), or playing video games (which usually feel like a trial to me. I don't get that much enjoyment of it, yet I still try to play video games simply due to the fact that, well, I'm interested in the industry itself.). For the past 3-4 years, I've…
started watching porn. Yes. Masturbation. Stuff like that. The issue is that, well, every time I'm left alone, I always have the urge to watch and then jerk. And I almost never resist the urge.
I live a in household that has good internet, and there's always food. basically, a good middle-class family. Me and my sibling attends/attended an expensive school. But we often are tight on money, so we can't always get certain stuff. Can't always get video games that are more than 15-20 bucks. Can't always get new underwear or t-shirts unless they're cheap. I never really have a consistent allowance. My father is a CIO of a healthcare form, yet I think he's being paid just over half of what he should be paid. I asked him about it and he just brushed it off. I don't know if it's apart of some philosophy he has about money or what.
In school, my grades were really sub par this year, if not extremely disappointing compared to what they were. Didn't really try to have friends this year. I have low self confidence, and I don't like how I look, as to why I haven't put of a picture of myself on Facebook, or as to why I refrain from wearing certain clothes, or even smiling. Even when I laugh, I make sure cover my lower face sometimes with my hand (at least when I can). Throughout grade school, I was usually regarded as funny, smart, usually nice, somewhat goofy, etc. Then one year I started getting teased really badly and made fun of treated like crap quite a lot (I was basically bullied), and I felt like shit. I went to a different school, then went back. The people who insulted me a lot were now my friends again (cause they were friends before). But there were times where I embarrassed myself, and that plus the fact that I just didn't feel good about myself and overall just wasn't in a good state of mind caused me to intentionally isolate myself from others, so that they could know that I was depressed or something. As a result, I cried during the end of the year (8th grade graduation), cause I basically wasted a whole year doing nothing but being quiet.
I constantly have these day dreams of my past in 8th grade (sometimes earlier) where I looked more good looking and had confidence and didn't become mute halfway through the year. The oddest thing about those dreams is that, well, if given the choice to go back and repeat my life in that manner, I don't know if I would. I'm also not sure if I would just want my life to change and essentially become a continuation of that daydream. Yet I still keep on thinking of it. Maybe my mind created that function of dreaming up scenarios, the same way others' minds decide to create a function of cutting themselves, I guess.
And yet, although I take Prozac (albeit I forget to take it a lot) and I also meet with psychiatrists/social workers/whatever, there's times where I always wonder if I'm really depressed. I wonder if I'm just making a big deal out of things. I don't really know what's wrong with me.
Even though I'm "depressed", I tend to be relatively happy during the day when I'm not bored. I tend to be feeling just fine even though I have a lot of problems in my head.
God this is stupid. What am I even saying. Blah. Urgh.