I'm in desperate need of a good bottle of shampoo right now. It's driving me nuts.
Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD
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Here's one experience of mine, it's quite a long one, since I was in Secondary 1/Grade 7/13 years old.
There's this autistic boy, I shall call him C. C⦠is really bright. He does have a problem with his languages (he has special classes with his English teacher), but he's pretty good Science and Mathematics grades. And his essays for philosophy, the quality's really good. He's with the rest of us in the special education stream in our school (the Intergrated Program, to be sepcific). He doestry to make an effort to be funny and to be friendly, I'll give him that.
And that's where my confession begins: that I've been treating him like he's a freak. That my behaviour is not too different from my friend's doesn't change that. So what if he does possess a certain disposition towards the female teachers in our school? So what if he randomly spams me and my friend's Facebook wall? My mother, one of those stereotypical conservative Christian moms, has often scolded me on how we have treated C, that we all do have varying degrees of autism, that he's not that different from us.
But there's another thing, besides the above mentioned activities, C does piss off us, though I suppose it's unintentional (if it was on purpose I have no idea who's the real jackass). In the first two years of secondary school, when he was in the same class as mine, his unusually deep voice already ticks us off, let alone one who whines about trivially small matters (such behavious has caused by friends to block him on FB). His physical actions are also somewhat grating, his fidgeting during assembly can be distracting, even disruptive.
But taking a look at myself... I don't know how I'm any different. I mean, aren't I just as bad for looking down on a fellow human being? C does have a problem, but with my friend's rationale that "he should still be aware of his actions", it makes us more of victims than victimisers. Considering that this period of my life is also the first where I have had personal experience with autistic, Iwonder if these days I just try to pass off my jerkish behavior as 'normal'. Any one else with similar situations?
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I sometimes, when I'm alone, use my boobs as stressballs. And totally in a non-sexual way. I'm just like GRRRRRRRGH and then SQUEEZE and then I feel a little better. XD
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Here's one experience of mine, it's quite a long one, since I was in Secondary 1/Grade 7/13 years old.
There's this autistic boy, I shall call him C. C⦠is really bright. He does have a problem with his languages (he has special classes with his English teacher), but he's pretty good Science and Mathematics grades. And his essays for philosophy, the quality's really good. He's with the rest of us in the special education stream in our school (the Intergrated Program, to be sepcific). He doestry to make an effort to be funny and to be friendly, I'll give him that.
And that's where my confession begins: that I've been treating him like he's a freak. That my behaviour is not too different from my friend's doesn't change that. So what if he does possess a certain disposition towards the female teachers in our school? So what if he randomly spams me and my friend's Facebook wall? My mother, one of those stereotypical conservative Christian moms, has often scolded me on how we have treated C, that we all do have varying degrees of autism, that he's not that different from us.
But there's another thing, besides the above mentioned activities, C does piss off us, though I suppose it's unintentional (if it was on purpose I have no idea who's the real jackass). In the first two years of secondary school, when he was in the same class as mine, his unusually deep voice already ticks us off, let alone one who whines about trivially small matters (such behavious has caused by friends to block him on FB). His physical actions are also somewhat grating, his fidgeting during assembly can be distracting, even disruptive.
But taking a look at myself... I don't know how I'm any different. I mean, aren't I just as bad for looking down on a fellow human being? C does have a problem, but with my friend's rationale that "he should still be aware of his actions", it makes us more of victims than victimisers. Considering that this period of my life is also the first where I have had personal experience with autistic, Iwonder if these days I just try to pass off my jerkish behavior as 'normal'. Any one else with similar situations?
I myself have a degree of autism/aspergers (mentioned on these boards before). Most of my friends don't know this. I worry that they would treat me differently if I tell them. There's this one girl in our cosplay group who is also autistic, who I'll call Shelby. I'm no longer friends with her, because she's a two-faced drama queen. I don't think it has anything to do with autism, she's just a mean person in general. She especially would harrass this blind girl in our group who's the oldest and most sensitive. When Shelby's around friends or on Facebook, she acts like they're best buddies. Back in March, she was going out with this guy and they only dated for about three weeks until he broke up with her. Shelby was extremely depressed and was spamming everyone's Facebooks about it, talking crap about him and how she's going to beat the crap out of him. All her friends were sticking their necks out for her, but she continued her pity party for like a week until everyone gave up. Not long after, she and her ex both agreed to stay friends, but she's still clingy to him like they're still together. She gives autistics a bad name, which is probably the biggest reason why I haven't confessed to my friends yet.
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At the risk of sounding like so many cliche greeting cards these days, I will share my thoughts, for what they are worth.
Aoi honey, while I can see why you are nervous, if a friend of yours is frightened off by something as foolish as a label, when they can clearly see you are the same person you've been all along, then perhaps they weren't a true friend. Everything about your personality and all of your experiences, good and bad and in between, went into who you are, today, and who you are is not only what made you the person all your friends likeβit is of value because you make it so---none of it is to be rejected. IMHE, people will often value you to the degree you value yourself--so do that. Value yourself.
Eh can't really fully convey what I am thinking today for some reason.
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I sometimes, when I'm alone, use my boobs as stressballs. And totally in a non-sexual way. I'm just like GRRRRRRRGH and then SQUEEZE and then I feel a little better. XD
I'll never look at these stress-balls I use occasionally the same way ever again. In a good way.
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Thanks, Buster Call. I actually am a confident person and grateful I don't have a more serious condition. I love my friends and they all respect me, so maybe I am just being paranoid. When the time comes, I'll tell them and they most likely won't treat me any differently. And I agree with what Pachylad's mom said about everyone having a different degree of autism. Everyone has their own obsessions, habits, rituals, etc.
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Random rant
! I really can't wait to have my own family.
! I don't mean that in an OMG I WANT TO GET PREGNANT NOW OVER 9000 TIMES. I mean that in a I can't wait to finish my studies (or start, in that matter), find a job that I want to do the rest of my life, find a husband and have my own family.
! Seriously. I have enough of these bullshit family pieces I have now. I have enough of always going into long rants about my family when someone asks me a simple question like "How's your brother doing? Do you have a good connection?" or "How's your mother?" I want kids, I want my husband, I want friends, I want my Dad to be a grandpa, I want to have my father-and-mother-in-law, I want my brother to be an uncle. I just want a family.
Every time people talk about their families, even if it's just a "my brother is such an ass, he did this and that!" I just can't help but feel sad from the bottom of my heart.
! There's not much left of my family. My dad and my brother. And even that isn't a whole as they both don't really care for each other. So it's either me and my dad(and his gf) or me and my brother (and his gf). (which reminds me that I also want someone just for myself)
I just want a fuckin WHOLE. You know?
! I want to marry a man with a big family :< I want to be part of a big family and be loved by them.
My dad has a lot of family and his gf as well but I just can't help but feel disconnected to them. No blood connection. And that's unnatural. So I just can't help myself but feel not connected to them.
And to have no blood connection to my boyfriend's family would be normal. I just want something NORMAL for a fuckin change. Seriously.
I want my kids to have this picture book family and life.
! Sometimes it just really bugs me that I never had a picture book family. Like all my friends around me who have that. That one friend had 3 sisters and her parents still married and happy till today. Another friend also has a sister and her parents still together. No divorces, no siblings raised by others hours away from you, no 567890 stepfathers over the years.
! I just want to feel connection and having a whole.
I can't wait for that. -
Random rant
! I really can't wait to have my own family.
! I don't mean that in an OMG I WANT TO GET PREGNANT NOW OVER 9000 TIMES. I mean that in a I can't wait to finish my studies (or start, in that matter), find a job that I want to do the rest of my life, find a husband and have my own family.
! Seriously. I have enough of these bullshit family pieces I have now. I have enough of always going into long rants about my family when someone asks me a simple question like "How's your brother doing? Do you have a good connection?" or "How's your mother?" I want kids, I want my husband, I want friends, I want my Dad to be a grandpa, I want to have my father-and-mother-in-law, I want my brother to be an uncle. I just want a family.
Every time people talk about their families, even if it's just a "my brother is such an ass, he did this and that!" I just can't help but feel sad from the bottom of my heart.
! There's not much left of my family. My dad and my brother. And even that isn't a whole as they both don't really care for each other. So it's either me and my dad(and his gf) or me and my brother (and his gf). (which reminds me that I also want someone just for myself)
I just want a fuckin WHOLE. You know?
! I want to marry a man with a big family :< I want to be part of a big family and be loved by them.
My dad has a lot of family and his gf as well but I just can't help but feel disconnected to them. No blood connection. And that's unnatural. So I just can't help myself but feel not connected to them.
And to have no blood connection to my boyfriend's family would be normal. I just want something NORMAL for a fuckin change. Seriously.
I want my kids to have this picture book family and life.
! Sometimes it just really bugs me that I never had a picture book family. Like all my friends around me who have that. That one friend had 3 sisters and her parents still married and happy till today. Another friend also has a sister and her parents still together. No divorces, no siblings raised by others hours away from you, no 567890 stepfathers over the years.
! I just want to feel connection and having a whole.
I can't wait for that.-huggles- And I know that you will one day create that family. Know why? Because you want it and you deserve it. It might seem million years away right now but it'll happen. As long as you want it and work for it (and by work I mean you don't just let things to their own fate), then you will do what you want in your life. I just hope you'll invite me to the wedding! :P
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-huggles- And I know that you will one day create that family. Know why? Because you want it and you deserve it. It might seem million years away right now but it'll happen. As long as you want it and work for it (and by work I mean you don't just let things to their own fate), then you will do what you want in your life. I just hope you'll invite me to the wedding! :P
Oh well, if I can't shake of these vessels of my mother and being like her, I will probably destroy everything in the end. And that right there is my biggest fear. Which also is a part why I abandoned her⦠But to go back to the topic: Thanks Chrissie-swan. About your hope.. I'll get ya on facebook about that ;)
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Random rant
! I really can't wait to have my own family.
! I don't mean that in an OMG I WANT TO GET PREGNANT NOW OVER 9000 TIMES. I mean that in a I can't wait to finish my studies (or start, in that matter), find a job that I want to do the rest of my life, find a husband and have my own family.
! Seriously. I have enough of these bullshit family pieces I have now. I have enough of always going into long rants about my family when someone asks me a simple question like "How's your brother doing? Do you have a good connection?" or "How's your mother?" I want kids, I want my husband, I want friends, I want my Dad to be a grandpa, I want to have my father-and-mother-in-law, I want my brother to be an uncle. I just want a family.
Every time people talk about their families, even if it's just a "my brother is such an ass, he did this and that!" I just can't help but feel sad from the bottom of my heart.
! There's not much left of my family. My dad and my brother. And even that isn't a whole as they both don't really care for each other. So it's either me and my dad(and his gf) or me and my brother (and his gf). (which reminds me that I also want someone just for myself)
I just want a fuckin WHOLE. You know?
! I want to marry a man with a big family :< I want to be part of a big family and be loved by them.
My dad has a lot of family and his gf as well but I just can't help but feel disconnected to them. No blood connection. And that's unnatural. So I just can't help myself but feel not connected to them.
And to have no blood connection to my boyfriend's family would be normal. I just want something NORMAL for a fuckin change. Seriously.
I want my kids to have this picture book family and life.
! Sometimes it just really bugs me that I never had a picture book family. Like all my friends around me who have that. That one friend had 3 sisters and her parents still married and happy till today. Another friend also has a sister and her parents still together. No divorces, no siblings raised by others hours away from you, no 567890 stepfathers over the years.
! I just want to feel connection and having a whole.
I can't wait for that.I'm sure you'll create that family one day. I'm also sure you'd be a kickass mom. :happy:
I guess I really take my family for granted. They may annoy me immensly and I don't really trust them that much but at least we do have a connection. So I'm sorry that you didn't grow up with that kind of feeling. It is a powerful connection. You're a nice girl, I think you'll get along fine with your significant other's family.
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I woke up at 4:20pm today.
I haven't done that since before my recovery back into telling stories. This might not be good.
I hate wasting daylight and being stuck doing nothing at night again. -
@Cuddles:
I woke up at 4:20pm today.
I haven't done that since before my recovery back into telling stories. This might not be good.
I hate wasting daylight and being stuck doing nothing at night again.Woah, freaky coincidence, I slept until 4pm today.
The perfect solution: Just don't sleep at all, that way you don't miss out on anything (except, well, sleep). It's 2am 'round here and I gotta get up at about 6:30am.β¦ I know. But I'm too nocturnal, I just can't stop it. Sometimes I really don't sleep at all even though I should rightfully be tired after 10 hours of university and 5 hours of work.
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Heheh, Nia is a night owl.
My own bad puns aside the best way to avoid sleeping in late is to never sleep at all.
Free yourselves of your sleeping addiction.
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the best way to avoid sleeping in late is to never sleep at all.
Free yourselves of your sleeping addiction.
It would be one unhealthy solution. A solution nevertheless; however, as time passes by the body will eventually start hinting at you with sleep signs as nodding off. We all need to rest properly( It doesnt matter if its during the day or night).
If someone wants to change his/her sleeping schedule I might suggest two different ways .
- tire yourself up. Try swimming, jogging, camping, do an exerting activity or if you can't something that keeps your mind busy, stay proactive during the day visit some friends after work and if possible refrain from a computer. Pcs are everything but bringers of an early night sleep( smthing that probably has to do with the wavelenght) unless you're doing some extremely boring task. By keeping yourself active throughtout the day in a semiphysical way your body will "crave" for some rest.
2. Lead the sleep towards you. Try to take a bath or have yourself a hot drink and get comfortable. Reading a book is a good option, try one that doesn't have you too hooked up otherwise it could be a failure as a sleep-inducing method. Music is also a good idea. Some people rather have a glass of wine.
Whatever you decide to do never ignore your body when its asking for some sleeping time. Noone would like to fell asleep while driving nor while taking the bus just because you're tired. If pain alerts us when there is danger and tells us to be cautious, then nodding off is an alarm to the need of resting time. So unless is strictly necessarily don't abstain yourself from sleeping.Peace.
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@sag:
- tire yourself up. Try swimming, jogging, camping, do an exerting activity or if you can't something that keeps your mind busy, stay proactive during the day visit some friends after work and if possible refrain from a computer. Pcs are everything but bringers of an early night sleep( smthing that probably has to do with the wavelenght) unless you're doing some extremely boring task. By keeping yourself active throughtout the day in a semiphysical way your body will "crave" for some rest.
2. Lead the sleep towards you. Try to take a bath or have yourself a hot drink and get comfortable. Reading a book is a good option, try one that doesn't have you too hooked up otherwise it could be a failure as a sleep-inducing method. Music is also a good idea. Some people rather have a glass of wine.
Whatever you decide to do never ignore your body when its asking for some sleeping time. Noone would like to fell asleep while driving nor while taking the bus just because you're tired. If pain alerts us when there is danger and tells us to be cautious, then nodding off is an alarm to the need of resting time. So unless is strictly necessarily don't abstain yourself from sleeping.Peace.
Been there, done that. I have a rather busy schedule that exhausts me both mentally (university) and physically (work), yet I still fail to fall asleep. I might be exhausted, but not tired.
Also, I just took a bath a few hours ago and ate delicious cake with a cup of warm milk while listening to music I like.
I'm not awake because I'm doing anything interesting, I'm just not tired. At all.Thanks for the tips anyways :D
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@Nia:
Thanks for the tips anyways :D
Well if I must give actual for serious advice one way to get to sleep, as well as have more fulfilling sleep, is to eat more foods with melatonin in them. Melatonin is a naturally found substance that helps regulate sleep patterns. So eating foods with naturally high melatonin helps one to fall asleep easier and creates a deeper sleep.
Here is a list of foods that naturally contain melatonin: http://www.ehow.com/about_5491365_food-containing-melatonin.html
Hope that helps Nia. :happy:
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@Nia:
Been there, done that. I have a rather busy schedule that exhausts me both mentally (university) and physically (work), yet I still fail to fall asleep. I might be exhausted, but not tired.
Also, I just took a bath a few hours ago and ate delicious cake with a cup of warm milk while listening to music I like.
I'm not awake because I'm doing anything interesting, I'm just not tired. At all.Thanks for the tips anyways :D
My pleasure. As long as you dont nod off during lunchtime and you feel alright with yourself its all way OK.
I just noticed that you said exhausted and not tired. Over exhaustion is an issue of its own and burning the candle at both ends may not be productive. University and work tend to build up stress and awareness which are also factors to stay awake. In fact this makes me think that maybe it is not that you cannot go to sleep but that unconciously you would rather stay awake. The mind works in mysterious ways but maybe I'm being too philosophical here
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Well if I must give actual for serious advice one way to get to sleep, as well as have more fulfilling sleep, is to eat more foods with melatonin in them. Melatonin is a naturally found substance that helps regulate sleep patterns. So eating foods with naturally high melatonin helps one to fall asleep easier and creates a deeper sleep.
Here is a list of foods that naturally contain melatonin: http://www.ehow.com/about_5491365_food-containing-melatonin.html
Hope that helps Nia. :happy:
You could also try melatonin pills. They work pretty well for me, on the rare occasions I need them. Regular exercise and a good healthy diet also helps with sleeping troubles.
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Oh advice on sleeping? Great! Because I'm also very nocturnal. I used to go to bed at around 11 p.m. (right after TCR ends). Now I can't sleep that "early." I toss and turn, and I've gotten into a bad habit of sneaking downstairs to turn on my laptop again. After a few hours of that, I go back up and can somewhat get to sleep. Of course, now I'm in the other house so my laptop is in my room again, but the problem is still the same. Every Friday after school I had a 12 hour nap. I feel like I can take a nap anytime, anywhere. Now that it's summer, I've taken to staying up way past midnight and sleeping until noon the next day. Even though I sleep a lot, I still feel tired enough to take another nap during the day. In fact, I'm rarely ever not tired. Which is gonna suck when I head to college and have to get up for an 8 a.m. class.
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I'm always going up and down on my sleep schedule. I was just recovering by going to sleep around midnight, but now I'm staying up 'till five working on pages and watching Linkara and Twin Peaks. If I get another job again, I'll need to fix this WAY in advance. I'll try the tiring myself out again by getting up at 10 or noon, no matter how late I slept.
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I just woke up and it's 8 PM. My issue is that I've been sick so I've been in and out of bed all day.
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Once upon time. I joined a clique. Everything was cool. All fun and games.
Till one day. They completely insulted and humiliated a good friend of mine in sheer petty retaliation. I insisted they stop. They did not listen.
They invaded her personal space. Publicly humiliated her more. Humiliated to a point that she was driven to tears. Maybe suicide.
I then had a choice. Stay and laugh along with this band of snobby one-dimensional bandwagon followers. Or stay out of it and take the role in comforting my dear friend.
I chose to comfort her because well⦠I'm not that big of an asshole. I would have never forgave myself otherwise.
Now I look back and try my hardest to suppress this bottled amount of absolute bitterness I have over the whole thing. I think one day I'm going to completely lose it, but no.. The best I can do is hope for a change.
True story. Sorry if I'm a bit vauge. I needed to get that off my mind.
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Once upon time. I joined a clique. Everything was cool. All fun and games.
Till one day. They completely insulted and humiliated a good friend of mine in sheer petty retaliation. I insisted they stop. They did not listen.
They invaded her personal space. Publicly humiliated her more. Humiliated to a point that she was driven to tears. Maybe suicide.
I then had a choice. Stay and laugh along with this band of snobby one-dimensional bandwagon followers. Or stay out of it and take the role in comforting my dear friend.
I chose to comfort her because well⦠I'm not that big of an asshole. I would have never forgave myself otherwise.
Now I look back and try my hardest to suppress this bottled amount of absolute bitterness I have over the whole thing. I think one day I'm going to completely lose it, but no.. The best I can do is hope for a change.
True story. Sorry if I'm a bit vauge. I needed to get that off my mind.
OMG hiroy that sounded like a poem,so much power. Here you deserve this the cookie of happiness
@Piratemarimo⦠I also have that issue with my laptop sometimes the only way I get over it is to unplug it and force it to shut down by itself:getlost::sad:
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confession time, but a good confession.
I found it, my perfect job. Something i will do forever. The highest form of art. Plastic surgery.
Not the "boob jobs" and liposuction type of plastic surgery. But changing an actual human being, treating burnt patients and the likes. In my mind as an artist, i think there is nothing higher. It will be better than my drawings, my videos and my flash videos. -
That's an awesome job right there. Plastic surgery is best when used to restore injuries and the like rather than just making some rich person look even prettier.
Just, uh, don't turn into that guy from Bioshock. :ninja: -
Still sort of grieving the breakup from my recent ex two months ago. We were together for a year and 4 months ago. She hurt me pretty badly. I did everything I could in the relationship. I was so giving, so loving. I really did love her. But towards the last month of our relationship, she started taking me for granted, and just didn't care about the relationship anymoreβ¦
I constantly tried to fix it, but it didn't matter what I did, it still wasn't enough. I felt betrayed...The way she handled this was difficult. And then she wanted to jump into friendship straight away which served as nothing but an insult to my emotions towards her. How could she just expect that from me? Was it that easy for her to just dimenish everything we did together?
"I love you, you are mine and I am yours..." - My ex one day before the breakup...
A girl who had self esteem issues. Someone who I wanted reassure constantly but she never opened up to me. I'm progressing from this pain. But it still hurts and I shed silent tears every now and then. I just want someone who will love me and connect with me like that again. I have so much to give
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@sag:
OMG hiroy that sounded like a poem,so much power. Here you deserve this the cookie of happiness
[qimg]http://th07.deviantart.net/fs70/150/i/2011/135/e/5/cookie_of_happiness_by_nibyul-d3gefw6.jpg[/qimg]Thx.
I'll try to be happier.
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Still sort of grieving the breakup from my recent ex two months ago. We were together for a year and 4 months ago. She hurt me pretty badly. I did everything I could in the relationship. I was so giving, so loving. I really did love her. But towards the last month of our relationship, she started taking me for granted, and just didn't care about the relationship anymoreβ¦
I constantly tried to fix it, but it didn't matter what I did, it still wasn't enough. I felt betrayed...The way she handled this was difficult. And then she wanted to jump into friendship straight away which served as nothing but an insult to my emotions towards her. How could she just expect that from me? Was it that easy for her to just dimenish everything we did together?
"I love you, you are mine and I am yours..." - My ex one day before the breakup...
A girl who had self esteem issues. Someone who I wanted reassure constantly but she never opened up to me. I'm progressing from this pain. But it still hurts and I shed silent tears every now and then. I just want someone who will love me and connect with me like that again. I have so much to give
Don't feel too bad, it's normal for things like that to take time to heal, and for you to get used to things not being the same. It's a tough thing, breaking up with someone is biologically similar to an alcoholic or a drug addict suffering from withdrawal.
I had a similar experience myself. Was with this girl for around a year and by the last few weeks or so she just started being annoyed about everything, and just not really interested in doing anything for the relationship. And then she drops the bomb that she only wants to be friends, and that's that.
See, thing is that you could have a fantastic relationship with someone without actually loving them, and I figure that it's likely for girls to feel that because they are treated nicely by a guy and they can get along with him, then they should date him and stay with him because it's nice for them. But in the end not actually loving the person just makes everything not pleasant and you just don't feel as free. As I was getting over her I figured stuff like this out constantly and became glad she ended it because there are many women out there who decide to just stay with someone they don't love because it's safe, and suddenly you're in a marriage that doesn't work, maybe even with kids, and it sucks.
By breaking up with you she did show that she cares about you, because she probably didn't want to keep taking you for granted and maybe she figures there's someone out there you can find eventually who will actually mean it when she says "I love you". By ending things with you she is hurting you, but she's also giving you freedom.
Asking you to still be a friend means she really does appreciate the things you did for her, but she just doesn't actually want you as a romantic partner. And believe me, you can still give a lot of love to a friend, and you can still care a lot, while knowing there's someone better out there for you. And maybe this whole experience can make you more sure than before that you can be a great guy for when the real love of your life comes.Hang in there, the world needs a lot of caring and love, and an experience like this doesn't mean you should stop being as caring as you already seem to be. Even if it hurts like hell now (I know it does), you will connect with many more people in the future and they will connect with you. And one of them will be that girl that's really right for you, just don't get hung up waiting for her because often things appear in life when you're not expecting them.
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You know how you act a certain way when you're not watching yourself?
Like you can be a bit of an ass if you forget to be polite, or act a little girly or something when you forget to act masculine?
I just found out yesterday that I was born to be a doormat, and it's stressing me out.
I was hanging out with a new friend all day, and we've done some things for each other: she helped me find leads on job searches, and on this particular day I drove her to a job interview using her car (she hates driving actually) after which we were just going to do something fun.
And all I day I apologized for every single solitary non-offense because some instinctual part of me can't stand letting others think me bad or inconsiderate. It shows up here on AP when I fight against someone and feel bad for it (or made to feel bad) and in real life. A therapist (not my current one) even surmised that I was a target for bullies, which was absolutely correct. I've been taken advantage of and picked on because I don't actually defend myself until I explode from anger from all the pent up stress or remember that I can get people to back off with my size and kind of threatening manner alone.
And I can't change this. Not a bit. I've been punished so many times in my youth for both minor offenses that was actually emotional/physical abuse and acting out in a rage on everyone picking on me that the only way I know how to survive at my core is to be as non-threatening and weak as possible so people will leave me alone, and that makes me very scared that this will never go away.
Man this sucks. -
I know exactly how you feel, Cuddles. I get really apologetic over the tiniest of things. In middle school, I was bully bait (my own fault really) and the only defense I knew was to just stay on their good side, no matter what. I did a lot of things I want to slap myself for doing just so the bully of the week would leave me alone for a day.
Even now, when I don't really get bullied around anymore, I'm still pathetically weak. I'm constantly apologizing like its an automatic response to everything.
sigh
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LOL Me too! Lets start an apology club (Oh, is that a bad idea? Sorry )
Gosh I hope I don't regret posting this info. Bit personal. But in for a penny⦠It took me until I was an adult to learn I have "anxiety," a thing my doc and I discovered by accident when I was being treated for post partem depression after the birth of my son. I am not a doctor, so I am not dx'ing you, of course, but if you do in fact suffer from anxiety, there are treatments available, actually, which you may or may not wish to pursue. The thing about it is that since I know its a thing about the way my head works, I can work to be more aware of my triggers, and do what I can to avoid them, or, alternately, shore up my defenses--> for me this means I absolutely must get enough sleep, and eat well, and exercise on a regular basis. (Such a PITA, but it makes such a huge difference--there really is no other magic bullet I'm afraid). There's a few supplements I take as well (Fish oil, vitamins, that sort of stuff.)
Good luck with your apology troubles, you two. Remember--Its not hopeless. Its just a problem to be tackled.
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@Cuddles:
You know how you act a certain way when you're not watching yourself?
Like you can be a bit of an ass if you forget to be polite, or act a little girly or something when you forget to act masculine?
I just found out yesterday that I was born to be a doormat, and it's stressing me out.
I was hanging out with a new friend all day, and we've done some things for each other: she helped me find leads on job searches, and on this particular day I drove her to a job interview using her car (she hates driving actually) after which we were just going to do something fun.
And all I day I apologized for every single solitary non-offense because some instinctual part of me can't stand letting others think me bad or inconsiderate. It shows up here on AP when I fight against someone and feel bad for it (or made to feel bad) and in real life. A therapist (not my current one) even surmised that I was a target for bullies, which was absolutely correct. I've been taken advantage of and picked on because I don't actually defend myself until I explode from anger from all the pent up stress or remember that I can get people to back off with my size and kind of threatening manner alone.
And I can't change this. Not a bit. I've been punished so many times in my youth for both minor offenses that was actually emotional/physical abuse and acting out in a rage on everyone picking on me that the only way I know how to survive at my core is to be as non-threatening and weak as possible so people will leave me alone, and that makes me very scared that this will never go away.
Man this sucks.except for a few of the details, this is definitely my problem too, so i definitely know how much it sucks.
but the sad thing is that for the most part i've kindaβ¦accepted the fact that i'm a doormat and i haven't done much to change it.
i often put other people's happiness before my own, and like to be polite and friendly with absolutely everyone.
i like to see the good in others as often as possible, which can bite me in the ass if they insist on being jerks to me.what happens with me is that all the frustration and upset feelings build themselves up over the course of a day, which will cause me to explode later over something tiny.
it's hard to explain to your friends why you suddenly flipped your shit over nothing, when they don't fully understand how it works.
i think my problem has also contributed to several of my troubles on AP.@I:
LOL Me too! Lets start an apology club (Oh, is that a bad idea? Sorry )
haha, thanks for the laugh :)
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My mother is sick and has a maid to clean the house, I never liked the maid.
One day, I was nervous and (without thinking) started arguing with my mother, the maid was present in the room, the fight began when she left, I nervously started talking bad about her (maid), thinking she had already left, but to my surprise, she was in the living room, listening to everything.
Several days later she called my house saying that she would no longer work for my mother, my mother repeatedly begged her not to go away, but she said no every time. And worse, she began to dictate some privileges to my mother for her return to work.
I could not stand to see my sick mother is humble that way, so I pulled the phone from my mother's hand and hung up.
But my father said "who pays is the boss ", so, my father will convince the maid to work here again.But now, I donΒ΄t whant to se her face ever again, I want to leave, I want to to go away.
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Thanks Buster, Kits and MDL. It helps to talk about it sometimes.
@Ugly: That maid is a total bitch for taking advantage of a sick woman like that. -
Yo Cuddles. I don't know if it can help you in any way, but I what I did was try to be the bully for change and make people MY doormantβ¦. and LIKE it. There is this friend I had that started to develop this "I'm better than you" personality towards me. At one point I completely broke it off with him since I thought he was being a huge asshole. That was until I visited him again out of whim. He was still on my ass.
I told him that my power supply on the computer I built went bad after a no more than a month. He said it was my fault and that I didn't build my computer right. I asked him why would he have came up to this conclusion. I had help Sakon when it came to picking the parts. And I also had additional input from my main "techno-girl", that has YEEAARRs of expereience when it comes to building computers. This asshole said that he was a "Computer Science major" in that by default makes more capable of computer building than I was.
Hahahah! I had so much fun with this. I didn't mean to walk over his career choice or pride(well I did), but I countered him with the truth. I told him that he was still a student and he had absolutely no hands-on experience to have any idea to what he was talking about. I got him good. Real good. And it felt good too. I mean, how dare he attempt to insult me and people that helped me build this fascinating machine? It was just a bad power supply. Nothing more and nothing complicated too it.
The "argument" ended with him saying "forget it" while he silently went back to playing his Call of Duty. I proceeded to stab him even more by saying "Forget it? Some Computer Science major you are. Good luck finding a job with that attitude" Hahah! We are still buddies, though things are competitively bitter between us. We are like Raymond and Robert almost.
edit: Point it is to let other people know exactly where you stand. If you are bottle up your emotions to try pleasing everyone, then you are going end up pleasing the wrong kind of fucking people. Do you seriously want to give up your own self pride for an asshole's sake? It's the worst possible thing one can do.
@MDL: Look dude. You should stop acting nice with the expectation that others may treat you the same. Especially if you are looking into building a friendship with someone else. I once observed this one guy that sat next to this girl at the bus stop. He started with questions like "What's your name? What's you major? Where are you from? What's your number? [insert girlfriend related questions]" His problem was that he sounded flat, one-dimensional, straightforward and downright creepy. I'm sure he had good intentions, but that didn't change my synopsis on the situation. First off, he didn't know this person or was even paying much attention to how she was reacting to his questions. Secondly, he ignored how uncomfortable she was and didn't seem to grasp the idea to back off. Lastly, it seems like he was making his gain quite apparent in a way didn't care about her responses(he just wanted a girlfriend⦠fucking sad). Not sure how this story can relate to you, but all I'm saying is that you should know what lines you should and should not cross when it comes to expressing an act of kindness towards other people.
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oh don't worry, i've come to know full well about those. :)
and you're right, i should know when it's okay to get angry and retaliate instead of allowing myself to be stepped on.
that's definitely something i've been working on, i can dish flames out more easily now, but i'm not quite there yet.
and lol @ the story. i'd never be that confident with a stranger in public unless they talked to me first.
and even then, i would still have some barriers up. XDthanks for the advice, i appreciate the thought.
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Playing on either side of the spectrum has never brought me any happiness. I attended a private school for the first half of my school career and so I was taught, very strictly, to view the world in one, single way. And through those naive eyes, I lost a lot of what I should have learned in a public school which is basic human understanding and understanding of scale. So when I transferred over to a public school, I became everyone's target. It didn't happen immediately at first but soon, as people realized that I was a pacifist, they began to torment me.
I hadn't known any other method of interacting with people up to that point so I'd usually just laugh it off or smile or something. I didn't have a thought process either, I didn't think that what they were doing was wrong, I didn't judge them. I just took the abuse every day and by everyone. Stuff like: being spit on, having my possessions thrown away, my lunch knocked out of my hands, being punched when I'm not looking and any assortment of other things. I was even jumped twice by a crowd of people (that's effectively changed my definition of the word "jumped"). Then when I went home, my mother and step father would violently fight each other all the time.
Every night I went to sleep to the sounds of screaming, things around the house breaking and punching sounds. And I received no parental attention from either of them. What I was taught whenever my mother paid attention to me was that I was a pawn to be used. In my room I didn't have furniture or clothes or anything. I had a mattress on the floor and a small t.v. on the floor. Nothing else. My mother never fed me so I learned how to make instant noodles and ate that every day. I developed a habit to stay in my room so I could be away from her. At school I would be tormented and at home I would be tormented.
After two years, Katrina happened and we moved to Tennessee for a year. There, I wanted to take my life back and never take anyone's shit again. I slowly learned what it meant to defend myself and just plain think for myself. Up until that point, I had lived my life according to the instructions of others. I broke my mother's manipulative hold over me and gained what I believe to be incredible mental fortitude as a result. In order to break free from her, I naturally obtained the ability to manipulate as well. Once she conceded her loss, I was finally allowed to live with my other family members.
When I returned to Louisiana, I had become angry and bitter. However, the world I knew before had changed completely after Katrina. Those troubling people weren't there anymore and a horde of punks were left in their wake. I had done all this preparation, ready to fight every day for survival again and for nothing. So I ended up, unintentionally, intimidating everyone around me. I didn't trust anyone anymore, I had built up this intimidation factor for a reason and I wasn't about to revert back to a pacifist state. But I soon realized that even if I wanted to consciously get rid of it, it's still there. I naturally intimidated people.
The majority of my friends, strangers, the upper crust of the school like your football players and etc. All of them have admitted to being afraid of me. Even the friends I never expected to be afraid of anyone told me they were, people that came from incredibly rough backgrounds themselves. I thought it was ironic. I couldn't make any true friends from being a pacifist and I couldn't make any true friends from being intimidating. It seemed like most people were friendly to me on the basis that they didn't want me as an enemy.
So I've thought about it and used my observation over the years and I realize that, different places have different conditions if you want to actually be respected or liked. Being a pacifist worked tremendously in private school but failed in the dog eat dog version of public school prior to Katrina. However, being intimidating didn't work for the new public school that had grown significantly weaker since Katrina. What matters is not whether or not you're a pacifist but rather who you meet. What you might think to be a negative trait could be the very thing that someone is looking for in a person. There really is no one, true opinion on any specific traits or tendencies. It's always changing and you shouldn't have to change with it.
Of course I'm not saying to let anyone walk all over you, but don't fear who you are. To a true friend, all of your traits will be accepted. And they're all going to come out eventually. I may not have had any luck as a pacifist or as an intimidating force, but I've gained a lot of true friends by accepting both of those traits.
It's a little something I've thought up over the years. If you don't respect yourself then how do you expect anyone else to?
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@Uncle:
If you don't respect yourself then how do you expect anyone else to?
words of truth.
luckily for me i found my self respect when i made my first true friends in school after years of bullying.
from then until now, they (and a few additions from later years) have been my bros. we can always count on each other.
they accept every quirk of mine and i accept every quirk of theirs.i still have ingrained doormat tendencies, but as i said, i'm trying to get rid of them slowly but surely.
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Same sort of thing happened with me MDL, but I actually just broke up a friendship. It's been a rocky friendship and I've complained about him on here a few times probably, but honestly it was hollow and really strained, and a lot of the things I liked about him are long gone or overshadowed by the negative. It'd be nice I suppose if he apologised or we at least gave the friendship some closure, but to be honest I don't feel I want to be friends any more even with that.
One of those moments where you just think "That's for the better, I'll do that." and advance.
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@Hiroy: That is good advice, although my problem is that once my instincts kick in, I forget everything taught to me about standing up for myself and at the moment turn into this kind of weak willed thing. However, in my defense, I'm more in Kenny's situation: being a pacifist and not wanting to hurt others. Very rarely do I try to please someone.
Still, this is something I have to learn as I go, and I have been thankfully. -
I just fight with my fatherβ¦
Him with his philosophy of "who pays is the boss" don't listen to me, and says that my opinion is not to take seriously,
"A family is only a family when everyone works and make money.." ¬¬attacking my mother with these words...
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βββββββββββββββ ΰ³α¦α¦ΰ³ βββββββββββββββ
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ Repost this if ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you are a beautiful strong black woman
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ who donβt need no man ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
βββββββββββββββ ΰ³α¦α¦ΰ³ βββββββββββββββ -
@Holy:
βββββββββββββββ ΰ³α¦α¦ΰ³ βββββββββββββββ
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ Repost this if ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you are a beautiful strong black woman
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ who donβt need no man ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
βββββββββββββββ ΰ³α¦α¦ΰ³ βββββββββββββββMansex ?
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I have a feeling that was for me.
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Hiroy is the biggest and blackest of all women
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Blackest is debatable.