Well it's been awhile hasn't it?

Long story short life got super busy so I'm basically done with most Internet stuff but upon urging from a close friend I have one final list of things I'm forbidden from doing in tabletop games that covers from when I last did anything here and about a week ago when I broke it off with those former friends who I played with for so long. So let's have one more for the road shall we?

Things Jay is Forbidden From Doing In Tabletop Games Final edition:

116. The following names are forever banned for all future Grippli characters: Jeremiah, Slippy, Froggy
117. If I'm carrying a gun that's bigger than I am you're goddamn right I'm going to feel some recoil
118. The party is not keeping an Intellect Devourer as a pet
119. I am not "the frog version of Lobo"
120. If I ever trick any party member into calling the slave owner "senpai" again my character will be terminated by a spontaneous meteor strike
121. I am not playing the Great Cave Offensive from Kirby so I really shouldn't be naming every item we come across
122. On that note anyone using Cobalt Rage is not to be referred as "Blueberry Mountain"
123. Invisibility is not one of my God given rights
124. The group is candidly aware that my Wand of Enlarge Person will "Make my monster grow"
125. Even if it makes sense in context the sentence "If you think I'm scary you should talk to the frog" should really never occur ever again
126. No matter how high my CHA is no one other than the party members who witnessed it are going to believe that the frog lady one-shotted a Hydra
127. Even if I'm the GM I really shouldn't try to recreate Yor, Hunter from the Future in the campaign
128. Even in low-light conditions Fetchlings do not have to roll a % die to see if they miss their own dick while trying to pee
129. The Soulreaver's name is neither Kain nor Raziel
130. Despite there now being a precedent for legions of monsters fearing my Grippli we are not leaving a "Scare-Frog" at the entrance to each dungeon we complete
131. No longer allowed to make comments connecting the Aasimar's Celestial, Draconic, Human, and Elvish bloodlines and his mother's profession
132. Any plan that involves "Pirate Docking" is vetoed
133. Using Precognition to "Joesph Joestar" the villain's monologue will not affect their morale
134. Intentionally singing badly does not give my Bard free uses of Chord of Shards
135. When told to learn a language the rest of the party doesn't speak they didn't mean Esperanto
136. When asked what the weather report stated I will not cast Rain of Frogs as an answer
137. If we exist in an age before computers it's safe to assume I can't ask to be paid exclusively in Bitcoin
138. Offering to tie other party members to the ship's mast ceases to be as helpful when the ship is sinking
139. We are never allowed to discuss if the regenerative properties of the Hydra also apply to it's lower regions ever again
140. Not allowed to cast Hideous Laughter on people attending the GM-played party member's funeral

@Epsilon725:

They are? Where?! I've never found any. Where do you look for them?

Tabletop game groups are a lot like weed connections: they're everywhere you just have to know where to look.

I've written and deleted this thing a few times over now that I just want to finally get this written more than anything now.

Anyways I have been significantly more depressed than usual lately, which in itself is saying something since I am always depressed, but I haven't been able to pinpoint as to why. I could not form the words to express why until yesterday. While I was trying to take a nap my brain kept shouting at me to write something so I grabbed my notebook and began free writing. Apparently my hands knew something my brain didn't because in that stream of consciousness I found myself writing the phrase "I don't wake because it's tomorrow, I wake because I'm forced to".

And that's what kind of broke me: the realization that I am not living, but merely existing. I only exist in the most default existence. I "live" so day to day that, to me, tomorrow just doesn't exist. And from that epiphany came another realization, I am not only okay with but genuinely wish when I go to sleep I don't wake up ever again. And that is without a doubt the saddest thing I've ever written.

I have confessed prior that I don't really have much in the way of having any sort of will to live, my failed suicide attempt from last year that I've been keeping under wraps sans one person definitely attests to that, but actually coming face-to-face with writing that I, essentially, would prefer not existing any more hasn't been been the best realization to say the least.

But it does explain why I am having the hardest time functioning anymore. I've had days where I've been so depressed, so morbidly despising my own existence, that I've skipped a few classes and declined seeing my friends, neither of which has ever happened in years of miserable existence prior. The former of which has been significantly more problematic as of late though. As a result of feeling so nihilistic and devoid of meaning all the time I haven't just been missing classes, but can't bring myself to study much or even intentionally not doing homework because, to me in these moments, tomorrow doesn't exist. And the shittiest part? I'm lucid enough to realize I'm fucking up, pissing away what should be the best opportunity of my life and my last year of college but I can't shake it off, I never can.

To be more precise, I think the closest thing to a discernible goal in my otherwise bleak existence is living to distract myself. I'm never happy but if I pretend not to be always so miserable? Pretend I'm someone else? I can appear as the most normal motherfucker on the planet.

But in the end, I'm not normal. An amalgamation of deeply internalized hatred of being transgender combined with intense self loathing of being me has, I feel, isolated me from a good deal of humanity. Maybe beyond a point of no return? Even I'm not sure. The only thing I do remain rather sure of is the only thing I know will make me happy is essentially out of reach since coming out is tantamount to making my already razor's edge grasp on maintaining a sometimes not always terrible world will be lost. But on the other hand my current situation I can also safely say will never get any better. I just feel hopeless.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It can't be a cry for help since I doubt my life has inherent meaning to warrant or even deserve "saving". But I feel compelled to do so and have deleted a message like this a few times already so fuck it.

It never ceases to amaze me the caliber of on-the-fly scientific breakthroughs Urahara can just sort of MacGyver together. Let's just ignore for the moment the really bad pseudo-science behind how this pill is supposed to work and consider what he's actually created in this basically nonexistent time frame. Having previously spent an exorbitant amount of time on studying hollowfication prior or not its just improbable to create magic pills using god knows what that just so happen to be the one thing Quincies are weak against (which is once again trying to make Quincies out to be this separate race as opposed to simply different human ideologies).

Naruto and Bleach: My Bullshit Way

@Mr.:

Also, thinking about getting Xenoblade Chronicles (Wii version).

Hope you've got a lot of spare cash to shell out then. Xenoblade Chronicles (while definitely worth it) does not come cheap

@Panda:

I took the liberty of fixing that for you!

Yeah, though, it's a really excellent game across the board. Also, now that I've seen you mention the name, Transformed is actually the one I have, so I suppose it's the original that I've never played.

The Crash Kart games were pretty fun yeah~

The original is really good too but Transformed has probably spoiled you from enjoying the original as much. You'll have to get used to the fact that you only get a 6 different series stage types as opposed to Transformed's really awesome variety of stages (including fun one-off stages like Burning Rangers and Skies of Arcadia). The trade-off is you do get some playable characters that don't quite make it into the sequel including the Chu-Chus, Opa-Opa from Fantasy Zone, the Bonanza Bros, Jacky & Akira from Virtua Fighter, and Zombio & Zombiko from House of the Dead EX (also Banjo and Kazooie if you're playing on a 360).

Also the All Star moves are way better in the first game with the best kind of narrator:

@Panda:

Does Sonic All Stars Racing, or whatever it's called, not count?

Is what I was going to ask, until I bothered to take five seconds on Google and see that that was, in fact, one of the ones by Sumo Digital to which you referred. So there's that, I suppose.

That game is amazing though, for the record. I won a copy a few weeks ago now, and have been having no end of fun with it. I hadn't really played a kart-style racing game since CTR, to the best of my memory. Honestly, I hadn't even realized the genre was even really still alive, so playing this has been a pretty pleasant surprise, all around.

The Sega All Stars racing series are the best non-Mario Kart Mario Kart games ever made. Hell I'd even say it's better than most of the Mario Kart series.

@Cyan:

[qimg]http://archive.kontek.net/sonic.planets.gamespy.com/2006_sonic_riders/movies/sonic_riders_trailer.jpg[/qimg]

To this day I can't understand why it was so hard for Sonic Team to make a good Sonic racing title. I mean, Sumo Digital did it effortlessly. Twice. They felt the sunshine and it brightened up their day.

Could one say this new information technically breaks the Sonic Cycle for reals this time if only by nature of it sounding like a monumentally bad idea from the get-go?

Jinbe all the way~

@Nobodyman:

Only, there were, like, multiple of them. And they were fairly common.

I wonder what the characters from the TV show would have to say about that.

Well they've had worse reasons to start singing a retort before.