@firecrouch:
Yeah I think the fear is a big part of it, honestly. As a kid I was actually the opposite, I worked really hard. But I put alot of pressure on myself to get the best grades possible. Eventually I got sick of it sometime in middle school, I got pushed to the deep end because it was the first time in my life I had no close friends at school. Out of frustration I just said fuck it and stopped caring so much about being a hard worker just because it didn't seem worth it. Being the best didn't make me happy when I had no friends. It eventually became a habit, I got a reputation of being a class clown that people either loved or hated. But really part of that gradual progression of getting worse in terms of being productive was pure fear, fear of expectations, fear of failing, combined with just weird brain chemistry (clinical depression).
So yeah for a long time I want to succeed, not abandon my latent talents, but I just keep flaking on people cuz I don't prioritize well. At this point I think I've learned that I really can change and turn my life around, but I'm just not changing fast enough just cuz of the human struggle of change.
And good luck bartholomew kuma, I feel you. It's tough out there.
I wish I could give you solid advice but all I can really do is understand and share my own experiences. I've gone through this in the past and hit rock bottom about three years ago. There was a point in my life where I completely gave up everything, all of it riding on the idea I was eventually going to get into a good college and make something of myself, I just had to wait.
But waiting did nothing. I finally got myself a part time job after eight months of literal hermitage. That was my first step. I was initially very apathetic, and on the verge of losing my job when I realized that I was pretty much as rock bottom as it got and I wouldn't have any of it. My dreams of going back to school at the college I want were pretty much out of reach unless I set myself a long-term plan and followed through with it. Because it doesn't happen in a day. You don't wake up one day and you're suddenly where you want to be. You have to work for it, and sometimes all you can do is do it gradually.
The first step was moving up at work. I slowly but surely made my efforts known and I was promoted to assistant manager eight months after I started, and I felt like I'd toppled a mountain! It was rather minor, but I was 18 and important to something, so I was certainly higher than I was a year before. I kept my position for a year before leaving the company (thought not before being offered a manager position which I respectfully declined) and taking my next step: community college. I wasn't going to magically save up money and afford a university, so I had to start small. In my first year, I found a surprisingly amazing teacher who inspired me to apply at the top schools in the country, which I did (as much as I was able to afford). Sadly, I didn't get accepted, but I did secure myself a transfer scholarship to that school of mine I'd been aiming for, which I planned to take after getting my Associate's Degree.
I'm about to start my second year in comm college and I've found myself in a very comfortable position. I'm going to aim high once more while still relying on my fail-safe to that school of choice. It'll take me four years to get back on track, but at this rate, I'm doing pretty well for myself. :) But only because I've had to take tiny gradual steps forward. So if you can, work your way up a step at a time. Start small, and gradually build upon that.
I really hope this helps in some way.
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Now for my own confession:
! I've recently reestablished a connection with Christianity. I've always considered myself non-denominational Christian or Agnostic, but that's never really held true. But I've recently associated the time when my own happiness was greatest with the time when my faith was strongest, and I want to see how it goes this time. I mean, I'm a very logical person and at times I doubt the existence of Gods and the like, but I generally notice that people who have faith in God or whatever they choose tend to be happier, more confident people, while my absence of faith and spirituality seems to leave me with zero self-esteem. It's tough to put into words, but I want to relieve myself of minor burdens, and have some sort of God to help me lift them. :) I've made a good deal of progress, I'd say. :D