Just as I'm in the process of job hunting of COURSE I get really sick. god. I don't know how to ax this cold quickly because whenever I get sick it always lasts for a LONG time. I'm frustrated because it's hard enough job hunting without being half-delirious and coughing my lungs out. Plus it is looking like I'm being landed with the less preferable of jobs since I couldn't find any alternatives that I have a chance at right now. I told myself 'I'll just turn down this job and find something else more relevant' but look what that got me. I mean, at least it's not returning to my first job, but still. I have these convictions I can't follow through on because I'm just not skilled enough to be choosy about my own life. regardless, I can't start working until I recover from this infernal cold. not to mention I've been putting off things I need to get done.

The Daily Show's gotten several new correspondents in the time I've not been watching. No thoughts on the new guy, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm sure there were people who doubted Jon when he first took over, but it worked out great. I've sort of been tuning into it again lately. Larry's show is alright, but I definitely feel they should just cut down on the first half of the show or get rid of it altogether. The panelists and 'keeping it 100' is the best part of the show, but they consistently have to cut people off because they're running out of time.

@Outerspec:

! I'm glad to hear about your brother and dad. I do remember you mentioning something about your brother some time back but I don't remember any particulars. Anyway, it's good to hear your relationship isn't as strained anymore. Things got better. As for your friends you don't have to dump them completely of course. Just find someone you can relate to better and spend time with them. Sometimes all it really takes is one person to be a true friend to turn everything around. I'm no expert on just randomly finding friends so I can't really give advice there but a coworker is a good place to start.
! And I know that feeling of feeling tired and wiped almost every day. Coming home everyday and just feeling tired of…where I am in life right now. I have a likeable job but I've always seen it as temporary. It's not something I want to carry on doing for much longer. I mean, I like the job and all but I feel so stagnant in it. Like it's just a short stop and I've been here for a little bit too long already, but it's looking a little difficult to start on my career just this second so I have to hold it off just a little bit longer because I have to take care of some personal business first.
! What a lot of people who need to save money do is find a house with shared living space and rent. You know, find a place where you share rent with other housemates. That way you can move out, gain that independence, get into the "real world", pay for your own stuff, and ultimately gain a whole bunch of experience without the added pressure of doing it all on your own. Of curse you'll be responsible for your own rent but it's only a portion of the overall cost which is a ton better than paying for everything yourself. The independence gained is a lot more than living with your parents, where I currently am and looking for a place, and it might not be the "full independent experience" but it is pretty much almost there. Moving out is a big step towards independence and I think for your situation finding a room to rent out in a house should be an option to look into. If you do though do a lot of research on neighborhood and take a tour of the residence. Meeting your housemates and going over the rules and conducts of the house before signing any kind of papers are must too. Duh, obvious stuff but you wouldn't believe how many people make these mistakes…
! Have you ever thought about being an English teacher? Or is that one of the jobs you would hate to do? I know some English teachers write on the side on top of the school work they do/grade. Whatever job your mom is helping you to get it doesn't make it permanent. Just do the job as long as it helps until you find something you want to do. Until then it's better to have a job than nothing unless you feel it's going to interfere with your real job hunt or writing.

! one of my friends from college actually brought up finding an apartment someplace, but idk how good we'd be living together in the long-term. but as of now it's probably still a possibility, though I have no clue how that would pan out until I know more about my job situation too. on the plus side, I hear some crazy stories about people making rent arrangements a pain, but I do at least trust her not to screw me over or do illegal stuff etc. that would get other roommates in trouble.
! you know it's really funny in a way that you mention that. that is like literally the top five of 'questions you should never ask me'. but hey, this whole situation right now is full of irony. the job my mom was referring me to is sort of related to teaching, just for younger kids. ALSO I literally just got an email back from a reading tutors thing. which. like… of the three company/organizations that I didn't expect to hear back from, all three of them have pretty much contacted me in this month. so now I'm kind of freaking out cuz I am so close to accepting this job, but the tutor thing is more up my alley possibly. the pay/benefits differ obviously, and they are both full-time but one's temporary/limited service time and the other could be indefinite... there's so many factors I have to consider. If I hadn't bothered negotiating, I might have had to turn down this interview, although technically it COULD be possible to do both at the same time, except I just don't know at this stage what the hours would be and such. both are kind of related to teaching kids but like I guess different focus/age groups?? Which path will I take? what will this all lead to? if anything this makes me more antsy. neither one is necessarily the 'wrong' choice but the me of right now isn't sure which of these could lead to 'happiness'. It's all pretty much coming down to the choices that I'll end up making in this week. I have a lot to think about as is without this curveball unexpectedly showing up. @___@

@Outerspec:

[hide]

Well, there are 2 ways to let go of a feeling like worthlessness. You have to either overcome it with an even stronger and more positive emotion (self - realization that you're indeed not worthless) or let is pass on its own but it takes time which there is no definite framework for. It all depends on the severity of this particular feeling. If you have feelings of worthlessness because you go along with what everyone else says/does and you feel you're right a lot of the time then problem isn't just a lack of confidence but also the people you're following. If you feel the people you're associating with are constantly wrong or doing things you don't agree with then the very best course of action is finding a new group. At least then, even if you do continue to just follow, you'll be in sync with the group and following something you agree with and it'll cause a lot less stress on you. Once you find yourself in agreement with others, if you have a lack of confidence, it'll help you speak up more without fear of rebuke because chances of you being ignored or dismissed are lessened due to the fact that more than likely they'll be with you 100% of the way. Speaking up anywhere and in any situation with people will build confidence and help prepare you for speaking up in front of others, even those who might not agree with you. I'm not saying surround yourself with a bunch of Yes Men and clones but rather people you're not disagreeing with so many times to the point where you feel like you have no confidence left.

Of course, if they're family members or classmates…the first one you just have to live with and accept that even family have their differences and I hope that the love you all share can help you all work through those differences. The second one is easier in that you don't have to associate with classmates (same for family I guess) or follow them unless it's something like a group project.

I see I don't need to tell you how millions of people around the world only "seem" like they're doing better than they actually are but really everyone is going through their very own unique personal shit. Does that make you feel better? Maybe not but the realization helps you ignore the stupid comments like anxiety and depression have an "on/off switch". If that were true millions of people would have figured that out by now and not suffer from anxiety and depression. So that's a +1 for you girl. Now, there are different levels of depression as not everyone with

What year are you? I didn't figure out what I really wanted to do until Junior year and had to stay an extra semester because, whoops, turns out Civil Engineering was not my thing. What a waste. Some people don't have any of it figured out into the very last minute. Some peiople figure it out after graduating, but they do figure it out. It's not a pretty option but the point is it is an option. You're not going down a hopelessly lost path. You have so many opportunities to find your way and figure it all out. Everyone find themselves differently and at different stages in their lives. You might feel lost now but really you're just forging your own path in your own part of the woods. Ok, yeah, maybe you are a little lost now but we all go through that….again and again and some more than others, but I have confidence you'll find your footing because I know how it feels to lack that confidence before and then to slowly gain it back down the years.[/hide]

! I suppose that one thing that has improved is my relationship with my bro in particular. I know I've talked about this some years ago (right before Freshman year), but it used to be really bad. It's been rocky over the years, but me and my bro are MUCH better. so for the most part, it's one less anxiety. though I guess that depends. I feel like I've always been an introvert, but internalizing my problems and not talking about it is probably at least partly a by-product of my brother. my dad's sort of trying to be better at listening to me. Relatively recently I even told my dad I had anxiety/depression and he was surprised but tried to understand me. I definitely feel like I have trust issues, but I think my dad's becoming aware that his own actions may indirectly be the cause of kids having trust issues. It's not exactly that I hate my friends, either. it's just sometimes I feel like I need to step away from them for awhile, but I don't know if that would mean drifting apart and then never reconnecting with some of the few people I have as friends. I mean, I guess I cut out a lot of the bad people in high school. comparatively it's better than that. I just don't know if it's my own irrational and neurotic personality that makes them drive me crazy sometimes, or if I just get drained easily and that tiredness leads to irritation. maybe it's a combo of both. and speaking of which, I almost always feel tired and dead.
! I actually graduated a semester early somehow. Still haven't done all that grad ceremony stuff, though tbh it'd only be for my parents that I'd even bother going to that sort of thing (especially since…. I already have my diploma?? :wassat:). I majored in English. Constantly being told it's a useless major just sucks, especially when I find out too late 'oh yeah there's stuff you should have been doing'. a LOT of the internships for like publishing related jobs are unpaid, and money gives me anxiety, even though at the moment, it's not as pressing. my mom casually mentioned…. like an annual salary of $24,000 is 'not a lot' and I'm sure it wouldn't be when you factor in the costs of living alone (wherever that may be), but to me that's like... unfathomable. I feel like I know so little about the 'real world' and was never prepared adequately, and even though I'm living with my parents, I get panicked when I think how much money is everything and how I still am nowhere near the level of indepedency that would be required of me if I had no place to stay.
! There's this job my mom pressured me into applying for, and I might get it, but it's also not something I was ever interested in. the height of irony is that it's related to something I always said that, out of sheer spite, I would NEVER do. I mean, it might lead to something or at least teach me valuable skills I never had, but it's hard enough for me to struggle towards what I think interests me let alone something I thought didn't. Then I started thinking recently, am I just not cut out to be a writer? I could just scream in frustration at my inability to write down my stories or ideas. If I accept that I'm not cut out for it, then I'll have nothing left. Even being an editor or technical writer or more on the other side of publishing seems to require a lot of experience I just don't have yet, and which I might have to get by suffering through unpaid internships. It's either that or spend the rest of my life doing jobs I don't like just to get by.

I wish I could stop feeling so irrationally angry at everything. I keep blaming myself for not trusting my own instincts more. It's easier to just go along with what others say. Even when I KNOW I'm right, I still wind up doing things that I don't believe in or think is the right course to take. I know I shouldn't blame others. And maybe if I were more confident in myself, I'd feel less irritated at going along with something I don't want. I don't know when I stopped having confidence in myself. Every day is like hearing a lot of voices in my head clamoring all at once about all sorts of negative things and I just want it to STOP. if only it were as easy as just stabbing myself through the head. how does one let go of feeling worthless? everyone's always acting like that's the easiest shit to do and I'm tired of people saying anxieties/depression are on-off switches. THOUGH it'd be really nice if I could just…. shut it off. But long-lasting 'happiness' won't work like that. even though everyone around me makes it SEEM easy.

It's gotten to a point where I feel like I can't even do the things I like doing. do you know what it feels like to look for something in your 'field of interest' on your college website that everyone says will surely get you opportunities and get ZERO results? the more I go through the motions of searching the more it feels like I'm in a video game and forgot to pick up something vital, or several somethings, before trying to advance the story, and now I have no clue where to go from here. Like did I do something wrong? should I have taken different classes? should I have never taken classes? maybe my interests itself were wrong from the start. I can't cut it anywhere. sometimes living feels like the most useless thing in the world. I keep thinking 'maybe if I just lie still enough I could die' but I bet even that won't meet my expectations.

! It's getting close to that time of year again. It's hard to believe that it's been 4 years already… It's not as bad when I remember the overwhelming support and kindness that came from it, too. I've been so distracted by trying to get a job that I haven't really had time to reflect on it properly. I've been wanting to buy incense and such for awhile actually, just like I remember from my visits to Japan when I was a kid. I don't know where I'm going to buy it, that's all. I can almost imagine being laughed at but I get the feeling my mom might like that. She's sort of a tough cookie. When she's exasperated or annoyed, or angry, you can always tell, but when it's something more personal I think she copes better than I do, but we're both introverts. But as she said, even though this month is a reminder of sadness and loss, it's also a time when good things happened. I was born in this month after all. Maybe it's just because I have trouble valuing myself as a person, but being told my existence is important means a lot. I keep worrying, but I really hope more good things will happen this year.

SO. I graduated from college. I still have like ceremony stuff later this year, but I have my diploma already so idk if I actually need to go. :wassat: Now I'm job-hunting and tbh I don't know how well that's going. I got an offer, but negotiations are taking awhile and I don't know if that's normal. Weirdly now that I don't have classes, my anxiety seems to have gone up quite a lot. Maybe it's because you can prepare for tests and papers and assignments but then you get flung out into the unknown you were never trained for. I suppose I'm just suddenly at a point in my life where I don't know what's in store for me on the road ahead. It's a total mystery. Maybe that's just as exciting as it is terrifying. I can't decide.

At the least I sort of got to reconnect with a couple friends, so I know we're still friends.

@Outerspec:

If you don't mind, what does he do that pisses you off so much? Is it his leadership? Does he display a lack of skill for the job or a skill set that is below the people he is in charge of? Is it something he's doing to you personally, intentionally or unintentionally? Whatever it is it sounds like a personal affront.

whoa this is late. but if you must know, it's the way that he asks for favors that sound like he's giving me orders when really he shouldn't have the right at all. He's not a manager or anyone I should have to answer to. plus I've noticed he's only ever asked ME to do things for him. like I said he started working after me, and he's not good at his job, even another coworker (who I might add has worked there a really long time) thinks that he sucks. I can't help feeling that he's looking down on me. I may be looking too much into it, but I can't help wondering if it's because I'm non-white or something. like does he think I should just be running errands for him?? just what is it that's preventing HIM from doing those things himself?? when I think back to every little instance, there really nothing he's asked for that he couldn't have just done on his own.

I have my own tasks at work, and even though I often fill the role of 'help when needed', he only ever seems to ask me to do something for him when I'm clearly doing something else, or when an actual person in charge has just asked me to do something. at first i wondered if maybe it was just that he doesn't know how to phrase a simple request, but I really get a bad vibe from this guy. the worst part is the harder I try to forget about him, the more I think about it. I know this is a bad habit of mine to not let go of things, and honestly I'd really love to know how to not think about things that aren't worth it.

There's this other relatively new coworker, and he has a totally different vibe, and when he asks me a question, it's usually 'how do I do this' or something. and when he does ask for a favor, it doesn't sound like a command. if it's a favor for a coworker, I don't have problems doing so, especially if I can see that I have a moment of time to spare and they are busy and it's urgent. but with him, it's that I perceive he's a slacker who just wants to get me to do shit for him. My boss thinks sometimes I am 'too nice' in doing favors for others, and maybe this shitty coworker thinks he can take advantage of me just as easily as senior coworkers/people in charge because I'm a 'pushover' when really I loathe being told what to do almost all of the time. My biggest mistake is doing one favor for him when I KNEW I should not have done so, or should have told him 'no we probably shouldn't do this.' it's probably because of that one fuckup that he thinks he can now get me to do anything. and that's why I can't stop being annoyed.

I cannot stand one of the people who works at the place I do. every single fucking time I see him, he gets on my nerves. like at least I don't have the misfortune of working with him very often at all, but he pisses me off. just little stupid fucking things. i know I shouldn't be letting this fucker piss me off this much, but seriously. which part of my brain do I stab to stop thinking about the stupidity that is his existence. I know how to do my job and I'm good at it, and I don't appreciate taking orders from a moron who started working AFTER ME. he acts like he's in charge when really he's incompetent trash. it's not like I'm the only one who has a problem with him either. fucking unbelievable. :getlost:

@Rogues':

Still curious, if someone wants to answer this.

my god, actual posts in this thread?? :shocked: In regards to your question, I can almost hear the sound of Kenny complaining. Last I checked fanfiction is allowed as long as it meets the character minimum requirement. we had a really bad fanfiction entry waaaaay back that was a) under the minimum and b) scarcely understandable. just don't be that person. otherwise I'll have to shank you. also I don't know when we're even having another monthly. people have been busy after all.