Ah man this story is way overdue.
I loved it. The only thing stopping me from saying it should be a movie is that I'm not that confident in my critiquing skills, but at the very least it could be an hour long television special of some kind.
I love the chambermaid book ends, how she went from wanting to grow up to dreading taking care of the estate.
Dinner scene with Kinnor was glanced over, but that's a strength, considering how heady Leah was at the time.
The idea of a door almost being horizontal was enough to clue me in that Leah was about to be sucked into something abnormal, and I loved it.
When 'the spider woven with flames' was mentioned, I thought woven was a metaphor and not actual wires. Maybe 'hot wires weaved into a spider' might work better.
When Kiki says she's 'the Witch of Applehirst,' it might be good to describe how you would want an actress playing her to say that part. It sounds mostly just 'telling' as straight up text.
I also love how Leah is intelligent but impulsive, like any teenager.
'Crouch' was used twice in one sentence.
I can relate with Leah being frustrated with fun work.
I like how Leah's an unreliable narrator without being too blunt about it and now I'm wondering if the Woman paints her face to avoid being read.
The 'Morose Painter' line took me a couple of skims to get but it was a very vivid description of her house.
Transition from Kiki to Woman needs a slight readjusting. Maybe start with description then dialogue, instead of the reverse?
I feel like the 'feeling the key' part could've used more in depth detail.
I love how both the manor storyline, the Kiki storyline and the eureka moment with her key all flowed nicely together but distinctively. Was this critiqued before?
Wasn't 100% clear that Kiki just wanted the bangle at first.
Guests was used twice in one sentence.
I loved the dream. 'Nuff said.
The climax was awesome, but weren't they at the docks? Where did the ceiling beam come from and what was Kiki's ultimate plan with the barrel and the hooded stranger?
Overall, I give this story a B+ minimum. Keep working on this and it could be some S Rank shit. Awesome job Super