I confess that
! I'm worried about associating happiness with my weight again. I know for a fact that my weight is completely normal considering my height, and yet I feel deeply disappointed every time I see the numbers on a scale. "I could weigh less. And maybe look and feel better that way. But I don't, because I'm lazy and rarely learn from my mistakes." As a former anorexic this train of thought worries me.
! My negative mindset has gotten worse only recently, but the underlying nagging I heave upon myself has been with me for years. I'm usually able to be positive, but for some reason this summer I haven't thought very nicely of myself. When I look in the mirror in the morning I stop and stare, twist and turn. "I don't like this. I don't like that. God I wish that wasn't there." And then I go to work where I have zero consideration for what goes into my mouth, whether it's ice cream, popcorn, soda or pancakes. "Who the fuck cares, right?" But then I get home and sometimes feel sick and accuse myself of being an irresponsible glutton. I might even eat more candy or chocolate at home, because it makes me feel happy and it's a habit. But I've started to wonder if that's not how it is… This might all be forgotten once I stop working and am no longer surrounded by delicacies almost every day, but right now I just feel really bad about my weight and my looks. I imagine how everything shows like a neon sign, and yet keep on eating sweets constantly. Because hey, why should I care? There's no looking beautiful for me anyway. But it's not true. Or at least that's what I try to tell myself in order to retain some self respect.
! So what is the point of all of this? I guess that somehow, some day, it's possible for me to become overly obsessed and become anorexic again. And that's something I want to stop from happening.
! I think you should try to accept yourself as you are. I've seen your pictures and I can tell, that you're not fat, nor too slim. You may see yourself differently though (because people tend to do that), but you have to make peace with yourself. It's not easy, and I too have problems with that.
! I think that as long as you enjoy yourself and aren't sick or unhealthy, it really doesn't matter. For a long time, I thought I was ill because I ate so little and everybody kept telling me I have to eat more or else I'll be sick or something. So I went ahead and tried to eat more… and I felt sick in the process because my stomach just couldn't handle that much food, so I quit. Nowadays, I eat a miraculously little amount, yet, I'm healthy and feel good in my body. I guess it was nature's way of telling me that I haven't got any problem with my body and should stop trying to change it.
! What I'm trying to say it, a healthy diet might not hurt, but being over-obsessed with anything or just pushing things that are meant to be how they are now is the worst thing one can do. You probably feel what your body needs and what it can take. Changing that isn't possible in my opinion.
! And I think you're beautiful and no damned scale will make me change my mind :) Numbers are only curvy and straight lines anyway~