Confession Session II

Oddball

[hide]As someone with a degree in Japanese but currently working as a programmer, I know this feeling haha. It don't think any amount of college study will make you even close to fluent at a language, and while I love Japanese I'm not planning to move to Japan or anything. I'm also not really doing anything with my degree and didn't get where I currently am through it. But languages are awesome. You should feel proud about that. And you may think your job is easy, but if it were really the case you would not be getting paid well and lavished with praise. Gotta remind yourself of that. Meanwhile I am increasingly less passionate about my job and the money is great but ugh.[/hide]

[hide]
Your situation is a bit similar to mine. I graduated from uni nearly 3 years ago and have been unemployed since. I took several years of Japanese, including a one-month study abroad program in Japan.

This year and last, I applied for a teaching job in Japan, but got rejected both times. Now, I'm getting a little business going to become a self-employed artist. Basically, planning to be a self-proprietor, not an "official" business.

Kind of feel like my bachelor of Asian Studies (Arts & Sciences) degree is worthless. I'm making more use of my associates in Art than my bachelors. Originally, I wanted to get a bachelors to work in Japan (because visa usually requires a bachelors to work there). Nobody told me how hard it is for a foreigner to get a job in Japan without having sufficient knowledge of the language. I'm thinking about doing independent research and writing academic essays comparing certain things in Japan and the US. Writing essays in college was a pain, but to me it's fun when it's about subjects I care deeply about. I'd also like to be a personal interpreter one day once I'm more fluent in Japanese.

People say that you don't need to know Japanese to live in Japan, but I strongly disagree based on personal experience. You need to know what you're talking about in case of emergencies, like being lost, accidents, injuries, illness, etc. Contrary to popular belief, a lot of people in Japan actually don't know a lick of English, especially older folks. To me, it's foolish to just up and move to another country and not knowing the language, unless you have a solid support system there. [/hide]

The D.

I don't want to write anymore. Aside from the fact that I know it'll never go anywhere, I'm just tired of it. My mind is constantly cluttered by ideas that never go anywhere. I tried writing a little one shot earlier but gave up after two and a half pages because I couldn't get a flow going. That's how it's always been lately. Half baked crap that I don't enjoy. I just want to shut the creative part of my brain off, but it's just constantly running wild with story ideas that I can't make work. Does anybody else deal with this? Is this a common thing for writers? I feel like I'm stuck but it won't stop. It's exhausting.

Nolus

@The:

I don't want to write anymore. Aside from the fact that I know it'll never go anywhere, I'm just tired of it. My mind is constantly cluttered by ideas that never go anywhere. I tried writing a little one shot earlier but gave up after two and a half pages because I couldn't get a flow going. That's how it's always been lately. Half baked crap that I don't enjoy. I just want to shut the creative part of my brain off, but it's just constantly running wild with story ideas that I can't make work. Does anybody else deal with this? Is this a common thing for writers? I feel like I'm stuck but it won't stop. It's exhausting.

I've started consistently writing almost a year ago. My "trick" is to write something every day even if it's just a couple of sentences that I'll discard the following day. The way I see it is that I have to go through those shitty sentences and awful dialogues and uninteresting descriptions to find out what works and eventually get to something I'm comfortable sharing and calling my own.

I also get a bunch of ideas constantly, sometimes out of thin air, sometimes from clearly defined sources. I write these down, but I've recently realized that precious few of them will develop their own stories. It's good to have them, because they might come handy someday but I won't put too heavy of an emphasis on them in the meantime.

I have no idea if I'm "allowed" to call myself a writer (I mean, by the definition of the word I am one), but I try not to focus on that, and instead just enjoy the process.

To sum it up, the absolutely essential thing that kept me going so far is consistency (not matter how many characters, no matter if it won't make it into the final draft).
For years I've been writing on and off with basically nothing to show for it, but just these past 10 months or so, I've already finished 2 short stories, and began working on another 2 with more "chapters".*

It probably helps that I'm not a professional and can take as long as I like~

*I initially wanted to write only short stories, meaning not a whole novel, or anything like that. One shots, basically. My two current ideas, however require a little more length than what would generally constitute a "short story" and I'm sure there's a proper name for it, but I won't bother labeling my works. I just call them stories, because that's what they are in essence, and that's exactly what I want them to be.

DoctorPhil

@The:

I don't want to write anymore. Aside from the fact that I know it'll never go anywhere, I'm just tired of it. My mind is constantly cluttered by ideas that never go anywhere. I tried writing a little one shot earlier but gave up after two and a half pages because I couldn't get a flow going. That's how it's always been lately. Half baked crap that I don't enjoy. I just want to shut the creative part of my brain off, but it's just constantly running wild with story ideas that I can't make work. Does anybody else deal with this? Is this a common thing for writers? I feel like I'm stuck but it won't stop. It's exhausting.

This is kind of relatable to me. Do you have ADD too? Though I'm not a writer (willingly). The creative part of my brain is constantly running on full cylinders. I'm basically writing/directing entire movies in my head all the time even though I don't want to. It's entertaining, but I can't even do homework or focus on anything. It lead to my life being at a standstill. I've basically achieved nothing, still in university at soon to be 30, not even close to my final year. I'm not unhappy though, I'm an optimistic person so that's a blessing at least. Still, I'm kind of at a loss. No medicine seems to work either, no ritalin, nothing.

The D.

@Nolus:

I've started consistently writing almost a year ago. My "trick" is to write something every day even if it's just a couple of sentences that I'll discard the following day. The way I see it is that I have to go through those shitty sentences and awful dialogues and uninteresting descriptions to find out what works and eventually get to something I'm comfortable sharing and calling my own.

I also get a bunch of ideas constantly, sometimes out of thin air, sometimes from clearly defined sources. I write these down, but I've recently realized that precious few of them will develop their own stories. It's good to have them, because they might come handy someday but I won't put too heavy of an emphasis on them in the meantime.

I have no idea if I'm "allowed" to call myself a writer (I mean, by the definition of the word I am one), but I try not to focus on that, and instead just enjoy the process.

To sum it up, the absolutely essential thing that kept me going so far is consistency (not matter how many characters, no matter if it won't make it into the final draft).
For years I've been writing on and off with basically nothing to show for it, but just these past 10 months or so, I've already finished 2 short stories, and began working on another 2 with more "chapters".*

It probably helps that I'm not a professional and can take as long as I like~

*I initially wanted to write only short stories, meaning not a whole novel, or anything like that. One shots, basically. My two current ideas, however require a little more length than what would generally constitute a "short story" and I'm sure there's a proper name for it, but I won't bother labeling my works. I just call them stories, because that's what they are in essence, and that's exactly what I want them to be.

I'm constantly taking notes as well. Along with making lists and drawing maps. It's just hard when you're being bombarded with ideas but have no way to release them. I'm not a professional writer either, but I would like to be. As I am now I'm just writing scripts for graphic novels that sit in my google docs collecting dust. Maybe one day I'll get my act together, but not this day unfortunately.

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@DoctorPhil:

This is kind of relatable to me. Do you have ADD too? Though I'm not a writer (willingly). The creative part of my brain is constantly running on full cylinders. I'm basically writing/directing entire movies in my head all the time even though I don't want to. It's entertaining, but I can't even do homework or focus on anything. It lead to my life being at a standstill. I've basically achieved nothing, still in university at soon to be 30, not even close to my final year. I'm not unhappy though, I'm an optimistic person so that's a blessing at least. Still, I'm kind of at a loss. No medicine seems to work either, no ritalin, nothing.

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, yeah. That along with being on the autism spectrum makes it very hard to focus sometimes, and too easy to hyper focus other times. I'm either obsessed with something, or I couldn't care less about it. I totally get what you mean about writing/directing movies in your head though. I've done that since I was a kid, lol.

The D.

I guess this going to be my new venting spot. Can't use tumblr anymore cause too many friends are on it. So sorry in advance.

I just want to die already. I have for many years now, but my desire to finally die is getting more intense and frequent. I can't do anything about it yet because my mom and dog, but It's getting harder and harder to bear. I feel hopeless, that I will never know peace until death. The one thing I deeply wanted out of life seems completely out of reach due to something I have no control over. I'm just tired. And nothing helps anymore.

RoboBlue

@The:

I guess this going to be my new venting spot. Can't use tumblr anymore cause too many friends are on it. So sorry in advance.

I just want to die already. I have for many years now, but my desire to finally die is getting more intense and frequent. I can't do anything about it yet because my mom and dog, but It's getting harder and harder to bear. I feel hopeless, that I will never know peace until death. The one thing I deeply wanted out of life seems completely out of reach due to something I have no control over. I'm just tired. And nothing helps anymore.

It sounds like you need a therapist, possibly a psychiatrist, and definitely some additional practical ways to cope with your anxiety and depression.
Going for walks and doing repetitive tasks like grinding in video games has helped me, you'd be surprised how useful creating small rituals and sticking to them is.
When things feel totally unbearable go watch, play, or do something nostalgic for a few hours. It'll definitely help, but you have to give it some time.

The D.

@RoboBlue:

It sounds like you need a therapist, possibly a psychiatrist, and definitely some additional practical ways to cope with your anxiety and depression.
Going for walks and doing repetitive tasks like grinding in video games has helped me, you'd be surprised how useful creating small rituals and sticking to them is.
When things feel totally unbearable go watch, play, or do something nostalgic for a few hours. It'll definitely help, but you have to give it some time.

I see a therapist regularly. Have for years. But when you're as deep in a hole as I am, that doesn't help. I only see her now to have someone to talk to. I came to the conclusion that there is no hope for me to have what I want out of life long ago, and have been distracting myself like you suggested since then. But distractions don't help either. It's like a drug. Once the effect wears off you're right back where you started. I just have to hold on a while longer. After that, who knows. I appreciate you taking the time to even acknowledge me though. Really I do.

RoboBlue

@The:

I see a therapist regularly. Have for years. But when you're as deep in a hole as I am, that doesn't help. I only see her now to have someone to talk to. I came to the conclusion that there is no hope for me to have what I want out of life long ago, and have been distracting myself like you suggested since then. But distractions don't help either. It's like a drug. Once the effect wears off you're right back where you started. I just have to hold on a while longer. After that, who knows. I appreciate you taking the time to even acknowledge me though. Really I do.

Have you given psychiatric drugs a try?
I know it's never fun to be on anti-depressants but it's better than feeling the urge to commit suicide on a regular basis.

Typically you'll have to go through multiple trial medications before you find something that helps, but when you do make that connection it's worth the effort.

The D.

@RoboBlue:

Have you given psychiatric drugs a try?
I know it's never fun to be on anti-depressants but it's better than feeling the urge to commit suicide on a regular basis.

Typically you'll have to go through multiple trial medications before you find something that helps, but when you do make that connection it's worth the effort.

I'm on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills, have been for years. Honestly they don't help. Maybe they did at first, but it's been a long time since then. There's just no hope for my future, blue. I've accepted that.

thegab

@The:

I'm on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills, have been for years. Honestly they don't help. Maybe they did at first, but it's been a long time since then. There's just no hope for my future, blue. I've accepted that.

Hey D,

There's always hope. Always. Hasn't the strawhat crew taught us that much? I've also been on too many anti depressants/ anxiety meds for a decade plus. Have you tried Lyrica? I've been on it for a few months and its the first drug thats really wow'd me. I basically have up on medication before it,. I would literally do commercials for it and its benefits w anxiety. I believe it slows down how your nerves work.

Theres always more out there. Just gotta find the right cocktail of medications. Just my 2cents. Amd remember especially these days w covid/politics, mental illnesses are running on overdrive. Everything's temporary D. The good and the bad.

The D.

@thegab:

Hey D,

There's always hope. Always. Hasn't the strawhat crew taught us that much? I've also been on too many anti depressants/ anxiety meds for a decade plus. Have you tried Lyrica? I've been on it for a few months and its the first drug thats really wow'd me. I basically have up on medication before it,. I would literally do commercials for it and its benefits w anxiety. I believe it slows down how your nerves work.

Theres always more out there. Just gotta find the right cocktail of medications. Just my 2cents. Amd remember especially these days w covid/politics, mental illnesses are running on overdrive. Everything's temporary D. The good and the bad.

I've tried a handful of things over the years, but nothing I cared to remember. Nothing has worked long term for me. Not drugs, not therapy, not meditation, not self-improvement. I always end up in the same place. Like climbing up the walls of a pit, only to inevitably slide back down. I keep hoping one day I'll find something else to live for. Friends, family, work, hobbies, but none of them stay. Don't have any real friends, family would mourn me when I'm gone but they'll move on, can't work, and hobbies have only served as temporary distractions so far. Even things I used to enjoy end up causing me pain in the end. I'm just so tired of it all.

thegab

@The:

I've tried a handful of things over the years, but nothing I cared to remember. Nothing has worked long term for me. Not drugs, not therapy, not meditation, not self-improvement. I always end up in the same place. Like climbing up the walls of a pit, only to inevitably slide back down. I keep hoping one day I'll find something else to live for. Friends, family, work, hobbies, but none of them stay. Don't have any real friends, family would mourn me when I'm gone but they'll move on, can't work, and hobbies have only served as temporary distractions so far. Even things I used to enjoy end up causing me pain in the end. I'm just so tired of it all.

Have you tried smoking pot routinely? Weed always helps me see a different perspective on life and lightens the load. It gives anxiety sometimes, especially in public, but it sounds like you're a homebody which is fine.

starlalilymoon

Well, this is a no judgement thread, so I should not be attacked. Honestly, I took a break from the forums because of being attacked for being a lolicon, and a little feeling isolated because of opposing viewpoints on other politics stuff. Honestly, yeah I'm into loli hentai, but to me it's just a drawing, etc. I don't really like speaking about it to people unless it feels safe to do so, in fear of being attacked. It also does not mean I'm a pedo, I just like the drawings. And even then, I reported several actual online predators who preyed on real children to the FBI, I always try to protect real children, but to be attacked for a drawing that doesn't even exist, is a bit extreme. But yeah, honestly that's my confession that I'm a lolicon. I do not really want to argue this at all, I just want to vent out about it. Hence why I feel like this thread should be a "safe place."

My other confession is I feel like I'm not well-liked on here, but then again I'm just being negative and it's probably my borderline acting up. At times I feel like if I have a different viewpoint I will get hated as a person, and this is in all walks of life, not just here. It's probably because of all the fights I had with my mom and her getting mad because of opposing viewpoints, so I feel like that can happen with other people. Usually for me, I want to share viewpoints, but agree to disagree or compromise. I always try to look at both sides of a situation; trying to check my bias.

My third confession is the fact that I struggle with suicide and my depression has been extremely bad. Ever since the pandemic hit and things changed, it really set me back. I used to be a shutin, but then decided to go back to college to get a degree, has well as work on socializing. I had a reason to leave the apartment, but now with everything online, I'm back to a shutin, it's really hard to go outside, even to the grocery store because fear of people and wanting to stay in my safe place AKA my home. (Nothing to do with Covid these feelings by the way.) Hell, I was close to killing myself last night, but I got the courage to talk to some friends about it, it was extremely hard to do so even. I just been feeling like I'm all alone and not loved, especially with recent friendships being lost, it made me feel like it's all my fault, but my therapists say it's not really like that at all. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself, and I wish it wasn't so hard to forgive myself for my past mistakes.

The D.

@thegab:

Have you tried smoking pot routinely? Weed always helps me see a different perspective on life and lightens the load. It gives anxiety sometimes, especially in public, but it sounds like you're a homebody which is fine.

Nah, I've never tried it. I'm not against it or anything, it's just never come up as an option.

thegab

@The:

Nah, I've never tried it. I'm not against it or anything, it's just never come up as an option.

When nothing works, why not try everything? Its only the most important thing on the line right?

Nolus

@starlalilymoon:

My third confession is the fact that I struggle with suicide and my depression has been extremely bad. Ever since the pandemic hit and things changed, it really set me back. I used to be a shutin, but then decided to go back to college to get a degree, has well as work on socializing. I had a reason to leave the apartment, but now with everything online, I'm back to a shutin, it's really hard to go outside, even to the grocery store because fear of people and wanting to stay in my safe place AKA my home. (Nothing to do with Covid these feelings by the way.) Hell, I was close to killing myself last night, but I got the courage to talk to some friends about it, it was extremely hard to do so even. I just been feeling like I'm all alone and not loved, especially with recent friendships being lost, it made me feel like it's all my fault, but my therapists say it's not really like that at all. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself, and I wish it wasn't so hard to forgive myself for my past mistakes.

I also struggle a lot (a bit less than before) from being too hard on myself for current and past mistakes. I'm still working on it, but I found meditation and mindfulness helped. Mindfulness at its core is good for grounding oneself when emotions overwhelm us; we can't stop having emotions and we really shouldn't, but what we can do is acknowledge where they came from and that they can be inaccurate in perceiving the situation. We might feel stupid for making a mistake but we are not actually stupid. We might feel our mistakes define us as a person when in reality it simply means we're trying and possibly making progress. Mindfulness helps taking a step back and looking at our emotions objectively without being sucked into them.

There's also a thought experiment/meditation that basically works like this: imagine your mistakes being made by a good friend or family member or anyone you hold dear. What would your response be? Chances are, you would approach this person with compassion and reassure them that they're okay and not a terrible person. We should be able, with practice, to do the very same thing to ourselves. It's not easy turning that compassion around and giving it to ourselves, but it really does put things in another perspective that might help with these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

Smiling Mind is an app, available free of charge both for Android and iOS, that has a ton of different meditation and mindfulness practices that I've been using for years. There are meditations for stress, relationships, emotions, sports, sleep and so on. You can even download meditations to listen to offline. ~~I realize this sounds very much like an advert, but take it as a recommendation.~~

No matter what app or program or video you use, if you haven't already, give mediation a go. It won't yield results right away, but it's a good habit to build and can help longterm. It's also a neat and healthy little ritual to do before sleeping.

starlalilymoon

@Nolus:

I also struggle a lot (a bit less than before) from being too hard on myself for current and past mistakes. I'm still working on it, but I found meditation and mindfulness helped. Mindfulness at its core is good for grounding oneself when emotions overwhelm us; we can't stop having emotions and we really shouldn't, but what we can do is acknowledge where they came from and that they can be inaccurate in perceiving the situation. We might feel stupid for making a mistake but we are not actually stupid. We might feel our mistakes define us as a person when in reality it simply means we're trying and possibly making progress. Mindfulness helps taking a step back and looking at our emotions objectively without being sucked into them.

Yeah, I understand. I'm way too much into the past or the fear of the future instead of being in the present moment. The hard part honestly is accepting it's okay to have these emotions but not let them control you.

There's also a thought experiment/meditation that basically works like this: imagine your mistakes being made by a good friend or family member or anyone you hold dear. What would your response be? Chances are, you would approach this person with compassion and reassure them that they're okay and not a terrible person. We should be able, with practice, to do the very same thing to ourselves. It's not easy turning that compassion around and giving it to ourselves, but it really does put things in another perspective that might help with these feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

Yup, I'm much more nicer to my friends when they make mistakes compared to me. Yeah, I agree it's hard to treat myself nice. I guess it's because of the emotional abuse from my mom that makes me feel like I should be hard on myself. Though I'm mean to myself because of bullies and mean kids when I was a child x.x (Probably too all the transphobia and discrimination I endured when I first transitioned too may have played an effect on me too.)

Smiling Mind is an app, available free of charge both for Android and iOS, that has a ton of different meditation and mindfulness practices that I've been using for years. There are meditations for stress, relationships, emotions, sports, sleep and so on. You can even download meditations to listen to offline. ~~I realize this sounds very much like an advert, but take it as a recommendation.~~

No matter what app or program or video you use, if you haven't already, give mediation a go. It won't yield results right away, but it's a good habit to build and can help longterm. It's also a neat and healthy little ritual to do before sleeping.

Oki! I give that a try! I used to do meditation a long time ago, but stopped. And you're right I need to try this again for the sake of my sanity. Thank you so much for your kind words Nolus and your help! I really appreciate it.

Medical Orbit

I have a tendency to forget about something if it's not right in front of my face. I could be brushing my teeth and realize I'm low on toothpaste, then after I'm done brushing my teeth I'll immediately forget because the tube of toothpaste is no longer in my line of vision. It could take me several days to remember something like that for long enough to take action.

A common issue is that people don't read important things they're supposed to read, like a store's closing hours, a site's rules and FAQ, or the syllabus for their class. But I'll read and forget, and might even forgot that I read until I reread it and recognize some of the information. I remember in 7th grade, I gave a wrong answer to a question about a book we were reading, and the teacher called me and a few other students up to ask if we actually read the chapter. Everybody else said no, and I said that I only read up to page 11. I didn't explain the reason why I stopped reading (I saw a brown stain on one of the pages and didn't want to touch it) because I was scared the teacher wouldn't believe me. She gave us a warning and threatened us with punishment the next time we didn't read (a choice between spending our next lunch period alone or having our parents called). Then I learned that while I didn't read the whole chapter, the correct answer to the question was actually in a part of the chapter that I did read.

On the other hand I sometimes remember extremely specific details, like that it was page 11 I read up to in that book. Considering how long ago this was and how it was a one-time incident that nobody ever brought up again, I feel like a lot of people wouldn't even remember anything about this at all.

Captain Krupp

I hate that I am starting to hate my poor friend, who has given me nothing but love and support because I cant write 15 lines of text when he asks me for our role playing. I am starting to dread him and I'm feeling SICK.

starlalilymoon

@Captain:

I hate that I am starting to hate my poor friend, who has given me nothing but love and support because I cant write 15 lines of text when he asks me for our role playing. I am starting to dread him and I'm feeling SICK.

Maybe talk to him about it? I'm confused honestly by what you trying to say, can you explain more in detail please?

Captain Krupp

He is super nice and friendly. But he wants me to write a LOT in one go, which is like utterly impossible for me to do. LIKE. I freeze and cant do anything due to the pressure. I already talked to him about it. He promised me not to force me again. I didnt want to tell him because he could get upset. Thanks everyone for listening to my deranged rant lo.

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He is super nice and friendly. But he wants me to write a LOT in one go, which is like utterly impossible for me to do. LIKE. I freeze and cant do anything due to the pressure. I already talked to him about it. He promised me not to force me again. I didnt want to tell him because he could get upset. Thanks everyone for listening to my deranged rant lo.

starlalilymoon

@Captain:

He is super nice and friendly. But he wants me to write a LOT in one go, which is like utterly impossible for me to do. LIKE. I freeze and cant do anything due to the pressure. I already talked to him about it. He promised me not to force me again. I didnt want to tell him because he could get upset. Thanks everyone for listening to my deranged rant lo.

Oh, oki! I understand now. Thanks for clarifying in what you meant. Though you should never be afraid to tell your friends how you really feel, they will appreciate it even if they get upset a little about it. And you're welcome! :3

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@Medical:

I have a tendency to forget about something if it's not right in front of my face. I could be brushing my teeth and realize I'm low on toothpaste, then after I'm done brushing my teeth I'll immediately forget because the tube of toothpaste is no longer in my line of vision. It could take me several days to remember something like that for long enough to take action.

A common issue is that people don't read important things they're supposed to read, like a store's closing hours, a site's rules and FAQ, or the syllabus for their class. But I'll read and forget, and might even forgot that I read until I reread it and recognize some of the information. I remember in 7th grade, I gave a wrong answer to a question about a book we were reading, and the teacher called me and a few other students up to ask if we actually read the chapter. Everybody else said no, and I said that I only read up to page 11. I didn't explain the reason why I stopped reading (I saw a brown stain on one of the pages and didn't want to touch it) because I was scared the teacher wouldn't believe me. She gave us a warning and threatened us with punishment the next time we didn't read (a choice between spending our next lunch period alone or having our parents called). Then I learned that while I didn't read the whole chapter, the correct answer to the question was actually in a part of the chapter that I did read.

On the other hand I sometimes remember extremely specific details, like that it was page 11 I read up to in that book. Considering how long ago this was and how it was a one-time incident that nobody ever brought up again, I feel like a lot of people wouldn't even remember anything about this at all.

Oh, interesting. Memory works in weird ways. Not sure how it works for me, though I do have repressed memories because of trauma.

onemoment

I got drunk for the first time ever. Tried a Spice Rum. Not my first drink, but I wanted to be prepared for the worst.

I hated it. I probably won't do it again.

wolfwood

@onemoment:

I got drunk for the first time ever. Tried a Spice Rum. Not my first drink, but I wanted to be prepared for the worst.

I hated it. I probably won't do it again.

Nobody liked their first drink

Captain Krupp

I am growing more and more worried I wont be able to make new friends. I am 30 and its not normal for a guy who's thirty to just have the interests I do and I am afraid of being a relic of the past. I love you guys. You are awesome.

starlalilymoon

@Captain:

I am growing more and more worried I wont be able to make new friends.

Yeah, I know the feeling of not being able to make new friends. Like at times I make them, but then I lose them, and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. So, I can relate in some way.

The D.

Probably not the place to ask this, but I don't know where else. Has anyone heard from Starlalilymoon recently? I'm a little worried about her and she hasn't been responding to me recently.

Cobra Banclock

I don't know her, but I respect you a lot for reaching out, The D. I hope someone helped you out with an info by now and I hope she's doing fine. It's good to look out for each other like this.

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@Captain Krupp:
Theres got to be something you like to reach out to people, as there's a community for almost anything.
What are you into, besides One Piece obviously?

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@wolfwood:

Nobody liked their first drink

Well I did. Unlike many people I didn't start with beer tho. Fuck that noise. And taste. And smell.
I can accept and love people that like it, but I will never understand the appeal.

Captain Krupp

You are so mega kind Cobra! You make me smile! I love Precure and stuff like that.

starlalilymoon

@Cobra:

I don't know her, but I respect you a lot for reaching out, The D. I hope someone helped you out with an info by now and I hope she's doing fine. It's good to look out for each other like this.

Yeah! I explained to him what was going on on Facebook. Basically, I was in the mental hospital for suicide attempts for a week. It was really stressful, but I got things figured out.

And I'm thankful for The D. caring about me too, he's a great friend, and I'm glad he's in my life. :happy:

Captain Krupp

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You all always make me smile!

saba58329

Merry Christmas, happy new year.

MDL

First confession post of 2021, and it's a pretty serious one.

I originally wrote it up on Discord, and since then I've been sharing it around because
I feel like venting about what happened is helping me to process it.

TW: non-consent, pseudo-incest

!

Captain Krupp

God this is so fucking terrible. Im so sorry you had to go through this. We are here for you.

EDIT:I thought about it some more. I want to give some advice. Do not let her be alone with him again.

pariston_hill

That's straight up horrible tabloid shit.
Get your mum away from the creep.

starlalilymoon

This will be pretty negative sounding as it deals with my PTSD, suicide, etc., so I spoilered it for those that don't want to read negative things like that. I just want to explain what has been going on in my life recently.

! So, to start I have PTSD due to the past with bullies and family. One of my PTSD triggers is loud noises, specially super loud music or loud bass. What happens when I get triggered? I get panic attacks, high anxiety, excessive crying, suicidal thoughts, cutting, not feeling safe and flashbacks. It seems flashbacks happened after the fact or maybe subconsciously during.
! So, I have neighbors currently, who play super loud music and loud bass that shakes the ceiling. This has been going on since October 2020… the neighbors went on vacation, and I had time to relax a bit, till they came back in June 2021.. which just brought back all of my issues and worries.
! I tried to talk to them in the beginning, even trying to explain how it affects my mental being. Except she was like "whatever" and that "she does what she wants." And my landlord won't do anything either. So, I'm just being tortured to no end, and it has been really wrecking up my psyche.
! Like I even wanted to show proof that I have PTSD to my landlord, but he didn't want it. Apparently, I just have to deal with it. And I'm also in a housing program, and my previous housing specialist did shit, and hated that I complained about the noise. She treated me like I'm crazy, and mind you this program is supposed to help people with mental issues.
! So, I have been having suicidal problems since then. It was so bad that I had to send myself to the hospital in December 2020. And when they came back in June, at the end of the month, again I had to send myself to the hospital to just feel safe. They decided to put me in a crisis center which was nice since I got my phone, but both times I at least felt safe.
! In regards to solutions, I finally got my Section 8 voucher (government assistance to help with paying rent), I could start looking for places. I got it back in April 2020, but it seems my housing specialist at the time (The one that treated me like crazy), didn't do shit. I didn't get to see any apartments or anything.
! I gotten a new housing specialist who actually does her job, doesn't treat me like crazy, and I actually been seeing apartments. The problem is not many places accept Section 8. The other problem is... I keep wanting to get the apartment, but then something happens, which I shall explain.
! The first apartment I seen, was too small because I had too much stuff. It only had a bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom. The next one I saw it was great, it was on the highest floor, in a nice area, had laundry inside, etc. I told my housing specialist I take it, and then I find out the next day it already was taken... The third apartment I went to see was even better, was even next to a grocery store in walking distance! I saw it, then applied as soon as I got home. Then I got an e-mail stating to "encourage" my current landlord to call them; which the secretary of the landlord did, and they told her they didn't know what she was talking about! Honestly, it got be paranoid, like is this place being super disorganized or is it because I'm trans? Though it seems to be the first. I was able to get back my application fee, but it was really upsetting, the apartment even had air conditioning! (The housing program helped.)
! The fourth apartment I wanted to see, I got a showing, but then the day before the showing it got taken... when it was just put on the market! Finally, I seen an apartment, but I was iffy about it because of the floor in the bedroom.. it was a slight decline.. And apparently the listing said they accept Section 8, but the property manager there didn't even know, he said he contact the landlord and call me back, and he never did. So, it has been rough, it also doesn't help that most apartments don't want to accept Section 8 because of the stereotypes.
! And even trying to get an extension on my Section 8 was annoying! The case worker I have wouldn't e-mail me back, and would not pick up the phone till I chained called three times, and he finally picked it up on the third call! Sometimes, it makes me feel like it is this city... But finding an apartment and getting rejected a lot is getting to me too because I just want to get out of this hellish apartment, but I keep having bad luck in finding a way to get out of here.
! With all this going on, it has really broken my psyche. Doesn't help that recently, I had a horrible meltdown and tried to cut everyone from my life and then go end my life. Which is what I try to do... but failed. I was really close with one of them, though. Since my flashbacks bring me back to early 2000s, where people pretended to be m friend or partner, and it just amplifies that feeling, and makes me think it is happening right now.
! I do see a therapist, I see her once a week. And with covid restrictions going down, her PTSD group therapy is back which I'm in. She is also bringing back another group for stress and anxiety, which I be the first to know. Hopefully, this can help me. Currently, I have been trying to hang in there, but it is really hard. I decided to avoid political talk for starters, and tried to use what I learn in therapy to survive. I'm gonna work on my social skills with my therapist using DBT, which can help me a lot, especially since I have borderline personality disorder.
! Thanks for to those who read all the way up to this point. My life has just been super difficult, especially with my living situation. I do plan to sue my neighbors after I move, but I'm scared.. I'm not good at standing up for myself, especially with what happened in the past with being discriminated for being trans, which is a story for another day I plan to share in the LGBT thread. I just wanted to explain what was going on, and I'm also really sorry for those that I worried with my behavior.

Captain Krupp

I really feel for you starla! You've been so nice to me and all of us! Nice people like you shouldnt suffer like this.

Kirbycide

It really pains me to hear all this, Starla. I wish you the best of luck in therapy and in sorting out your housing situation.

Hopefully, before long, you’ll begin to worry less about what other people think of you. Know that you have friends here who do care about you and want you to take care of yourself as best you can.

starlalilymoon

@Captain:

I really feel for you starla! You've been so nice to me and all of us! Nice people like you shouldnt suffer like this.

Oh, I see! Yeah… I do have low self esteem too, so it is hard for me to see that I'm a good and nice person. Especially with my current situation.

@Kirbycide:

It really pains me to hear all this, Starla. I wish you the best of luck in therapy and in sorting out your housing situation.

Yeah, I have been trying to go out more to avoid the noise, but it is hard regardless because I'm not good at going out much.

Hopefully, before long, you’ll begin to worry less about what other people think of you.

I do agree with you. I think too much of what others think of me. I think it is because I want to be loved and cared for.

Know that you have friends here who do care about you and want you to take care of yourself as best you can.

I understand. Thank you!

The D.

I feel like there is nothing in this world for me. Even momentary distractions don't work anymore. Everything is just shit. How do you deal with life when literally nothing interests you and you have no hope of it ever getting better? It's becoming unbearable.

FolhaS

@The:

I feel like there is nothing in this world for me. Even momentary distractions don't work anymore. Everything is just shit. How do you deal with life when literally nothing interests you and you have no hope of it ever getting better? It's becoming unbearable.

well, from someone whos been/who is therea, that sounds like a deeply rooted depression.
OP and its messages about treasuring what we have while reaching for more and slowly building our own place in the world is actually one of the things that, usually, helps me. But from your post seems like not even these little things are helping now.

I started going to therapy a year ago and its been real helpfull, if thats not a possibilty for you rigth now, then I hope knowing that someone here can relate and cares about that helps a bit.
Thank you for sharing your troubles and keep us posted, brother :)

Smudger

I have the best dog in the world.

Not just right now, but past, present and future…..the best!

I'm sorry if this news has shattered your world.

pariston_hill

@Smudger:

I have the best dog in the world.

Not just right now, but past, present and future…..the best!

I'm sorry if this news has shattered your world.

Unless he does "I'm Batman" impression over a busted sound system I call objection.
And I have the proof:
[hide]

[/hide]

Medical Orbit

The first time I heard the phrase "Black Air Force energy" I thought it meant black people in the Air Force. I didn't know it was a shoe.

Smudger

@pariston_hill:

Unless he does "I'm Batman" impression over a busted sound system I call objection.
And I have the proof:
[hide]
https://i.imgur.com/Oseq7pu.jpeg
[/hide]

Brings a whole new meaning to the word 'subwoofer'.

I'm not sure about batman, she's more of a spicy noodle.

Zar

Anyone has tips for how to stay focused on your job?

Lately I've had extreme troubles staying focused, to the point I think I put in maybe an hours worth of work across a seven hour period. It drives me insane since I love my workplace - the people are nice, the work hours are great and I get paid well. I couldn't ask for more and I WANT to do good work. But I'm scared if this keeps up it might become a problem.

And it's such stupid stuff that pulls me away, like being drawn to forums, social media or videos (not right now, I'm off work!). I've tried putting up site blockers, it only works so much. The most efficient thing is working at the office rather than home, but currently it's too hot there. I don't know how much of this is a problem of me lacking self discipline or if there's something deeper at play, which makes it hard to know how to tackle it - if it's the former, I should push myself harder, but if it's the latter, doing that risks making it worse.

And I guess it frustrates me that I can't tell how much of this is serious and what's just... "git gud" so to speak.
Like on one hand I wanna blame the heat and humidity and say that I have a hard time working when I can't breathe properly. Or I think "well, there's some stress going on with my family, that'll affect things so don't be too hard on yourself and focus on de-stressing". Or ponder whether the shift from studying all my life to having my first real job is harder than I thought. But at the same time I feel like I'm reaching for excuses to make myself feel better. I'm also aware you have different levels of productivity. If it was just once or twice I'd be okay with it, but it's felt like this 50-70% of the time the last few weeks.

Or maybe I should just finally call a psychologist and have myself checked for any mental disorder, because I've had suspicions for years. I just gotta get around to writing down what I feel I'm suffering from because I sure as hell can't describe that up front. But then again getting around to writing it is something I never get to because it's like my mind is seeing a huge obstacle and decides it'd rather do something else, which is one of the many things that's making me suspect there's something up in the first place.

It's like, hell, I almost screwed over my portfolio because of this stuff. And I completely screwed over my portfolio and a potential career a few years back because I couldn't get a single thing done despite being more than capable of producing stuff. Give me a mentor and clear homework and my productivity is through the roof, tell me to do it myself and my brain goes on vacation. It's so frustrating and I hate how I don't know if it's my own fault or if my brain is screwing me over. Or maybe it's both.

Femme

@Zar Regardless of whichever tools you use to keep on task, if you feel like a check in with a psychologist is a good idea- do it. They know their stuff and will evaluate you, it’s extremely beneficial.

As for keeping on task at work, to be honest, deadlines/knowing when my boss will check in is my biggest motivator, cuz otherwise I’m procrastinating like hell.

Are you working on a project? Is it a daily/weekly task? If it’s a project, I’d map out a task list and then plot daily/weekly goals before a deadline on a calendar.

If it’s daily/weekly tasks, a checklist! Then as long as you’re completing the list you can feel fine about a lil extra internet browsing.

Zar

@Femme Thanks for the reply!

We got a pretty fantastic checklist system, but I'm thinking of making it into even smaller tasks for myself. So there's bite-sized goals I can continuously work towards. Having something I can complete in 15 minutes will be a lot easier than 1h ones. I think I'll also try focusing harder on "task first, then fun stuff". Currently I think I got those two switched around and that's not good.

And full agree on having someone check in on you. Some while ago I tried livestreaming my work even if nobody was in my digital office, with the reasoning that it then feels like "I'm being watched" so I'm less likely to slack off. Maybe I should start doing that again.

That might be an overarching reason why I'm feeling so dull actually. The entire project is in a bit of a slow phase due to summer vacations and stuff, and at least in my department there isn't a big goal or any form of customer feedback. That... might explain a bit.

And getting more and more certain I will book that psychologist meeting. I mean, there's nothing to lose. Either turns out there's something going on and I can start treating it, or there's nothing major and I can relax on that front and focus on self improvement.

Nolus

I'm starting the really despise my job. Not the act of translating and subtitling itself, but the place and general vibe. Which sounds strange when I consider I work mostly from home.
There has been a lot of changes in the company and in our department over the past few years, most notably that a lot of people in leading positions have been fired, and new people were put in their place. Now, the previous bosses were pretty neat and understood what our work entailed and how to make it all work. They also stood firmly between us the "higher-higher ups", meaning that they fought tooth and nail to not let corporate bullshit reach us and communicate our needs and grievances the other way.
So that has changed. With that, the vibe started shifting from a kind of easy-going atmosphere towards the typical corporate one. Lots of meetings that only serve as a check box in someone's list or just straight up waste our time. Lots of "hey, there's this completely new system of doing things, from now on, you have to use it even though it's not even half-finished and it works like shit most of the time".
And now they've finally reached me. They're trying to micromanage how I do my job and don't seem to understand that my workload is stupidly huge nowadays. They just want to add to that, and even though I, and also my other colleagues have clearly stated, that no, I can't reasonably be asked to take on more, they just... don't listen. Important to note that what I do, I basically do alone. As in, I'm the only person doing the subtitles and translating them. On paper, there are ways to substitute me in case I wanna have a day or two off, but in practice...

Despite my and my team's best effort, it doesn't work, and we know this because in fall last year, I had surgery and was away for a month. And boy, my poor team... It's was ridiculous. I spent a good portion of my workdays before my surgery preparing a guide (yes, and actual guide) on what to look out for and how to do things. We've had multiple meetings.

Nowadays, my workload is often so much, I can't finish things in time, the quality of my translations suffer, I make more mistakes, and yet they still want me to make "transcription notes" for the other translators, and fucking scour through actual fucking episodes for timecodes so they can easily look up the "official" translations for certain phrases. Which don't even work most of the time since a trailer often has a very different structure.

They pay isn't even that good anymore. My friends just starting to work earn more than me and I've been at this company for more than 6 years. I'm not even an employee, I'm a fucking contractor, although I don't care about that anymore.

I'm currently trying to build myself a way out of this situation, but it won't happen overnight, and I'm fed up with it all.