I have this really weird Dissociative and Self-Identity problem.
! If anyone was to ask me to tell them about myself, I wouldn't have an answer. The only thing I'd be able to tell them about would be my life experiences and likes/dislikes.. and while that's relevant to who I am as a person, it doesn't really describe me that much.
! My personality and thought process changes so dramatically from situation to situation, and I'm only opinionated when it comes to politics and analyzing things that I'm at a loss of who I really am. It might have something to do with the fact that I've never lived in one city for more than 4 years, and therefore nothing has really stayed constant other than my family. I can't even remember what my face looks like. When I try to picture my face and appearance in my head, all I can remember is what my hair looks like and what color my skin is. No matter how hard I try, my face has always been a huge blank.
! The other problem I have is way harder to describe, but it's related to the Self-Identity thing in a way.
! Most people do have a sense of who they are, they know their personality, how they look, their goals in life, what they're good at and bad at, etc, and stick to these principles adamantly. They know themselves very well and see themselves as individuals, and describe this part as being separate from their body, as their "soul."
In my case this isn't so.. having always been interested in Physics and science in general, I see myself differently. I've seen people skim over biology chapters that talk about how we're all just made up of ever-changing cells, Psychology texts that explain how our brains are just a complex network of neurons, say "That's cool," and go on with their life without really remembering it.
I take stuff like that.. literally, for lack of a better word. Since I essentially feel like I don't have a soul due to the lack of Self-Identity thing, I think about this in a live sense. For example, as I'm typing this I know that my eyes and the cells in my brain are working to decipher symbols and to use them to convey a message. But instead of waving my hand and seeing this as an abstract fact on a different plane of reality, I almost… feel it as it's happening? It's the weirdest feeling in the world.
Essentially I stop seeing myself as an individual and more as an organism. For a moment I forget about society, about my possessions, about my memories, about language, about everything . I realize that I'm just a network of cells, and not a whole. I realize this and I feel it instead of thinking of this as something abstract. Then I ask myself… What exactly does it mean for something to be alive? No, not what the meaning of life is, but what exactly is this series of chemical reactions that we are? I realize that there is no way of knowing that, and since I'm a life form I actually don't know what I am... that essentially what "I" am is a single virtual voice inside a organism's mind. At that point I have the hardest time remembering who I am, and have this weird out-of-body-like feeling that only goes away when I try to think of a memory or go near someone I know.
! It's the most fucking creepy feeling in the world, though fortunately it's only episodic. Though I do have a bit of that feeling constantly.
But you two can be witnesses that the drawing's 90% like my real face, right?
