So I'm missing out on social things because I have anxiety and I hate how I look, so I work out and try to go on a calorie defecit, hoping to salvage what time I have left until it's late (I'm not that fat, I just have some belly chub)
parents usually fight with me about diet stuff, I say it affects me (at least in the past it did), but they say it shouldnt like as if that's gonna make me flip 180, and then nothing happens, 5 years later, I'm still the same way
and then because I'm missing out, I begin to daydream a lot about me doing this and that with friends that I had/have
but the worst thing is that these daydreams extend to other things (some made up pop-singer in my head to make up for the fact that I think the curent pop-industry is a little bland right now, made up athletes), worst of all is the abyss is staring back at me:
I look at some other people and I'm like "psh, nerds", usually only when they act like the type of Reddit mysogonistic/racist type or loser-ish virgin anti-social type, then I realzie that I don't really have any friends, jack off to porn sometimes, I'm alone in my room a lot, I'm nerdy (I know about the video game industry and browse NeoGaf almost without thinking 24/7 despite not even being in a hurry to play games that often, I daydream a lot to a point in which I make facial expressions in real life randomly (thankfully no one really sees), and that I'm a virgin (which is funny because talking to girls in school isn't really a problem, and some seem to enjoy my company at the very least so it's not as if they are repulsed by me, I just hate myself a lot), and I realize that I'm the exact fucking same! Wow!
and then I know why I have trouble with one of my relatives, it's because he's the same as me! He never had time to do the things he wanted to when he was younger, so sometimes he is trying to relieve it by himself - he often also listens to music that makes him nostalgic. He often warns me about procrastination, not missing out, etc. and that's what happens to me. It's like he works to live. He has a very gentile, shy, but nice exterior. I happen to do the same thing to new people I meet in school or other settings. We both exhibit nerdy stuff about tech that tend to get ambivalent responses when we talk to some select few people about. We have the same habbits, I know he daydreams excessively, imagines a great future for himself a lot, I do too.
I forget about priorities a lot for some reason. I gotta get my permit yet I forget to read my book. I have to clear up medical issues like rashes or other shit that I forget about too. I don't know.
My mind does shit to make me deal with stuff but I don't want it to do that. I hate that my whole entire adolescence/preadolescence/teen years/ whatever is being wasted, and the fact that I don't even realize it due to my constant daydreaming taking me out of reality! Literally!
This summer I was watchign a ton of movies. I've alwayys been interested in making some movies, but I really staring getting a bunch of ideas now. But because of that, I've been having so much fantasies of me beign a large actor or director - which wouldn't be a probelm but it's CONSTANT when I don't want that to be the case.
A few days ago I was feeling pissed, but now I don't feel anything. I'm in this weird mode where when I'm not upset at myself, I'm just kind of going through the motions and all that shit. And I hate it. Cause I can't feel or identify certain problems I have as strongly as I should. OR something to that effect.
I dont' know when I'm gonna kill myself. Maybe in my 30's or 40's if this shit isn't better. I just wanna be satisfied. FUCK. Nah, I just don't feel the urge to kill myself to be honest. I dont' ever feel suicide is a legit option for me to be honest. So I imagine being some type of dude that just coasts, only surviving because he sometimes gets in that "normal mode" where he doesn't anything and doesn't worry about important shit because he's daydreaming - kind of like that relative I mentioend earlier.
Time to listen to some sad Shakira songs - oh yeah, I never fucking mention that I like her in public for some reason, maybe I'm afraid for some fuckign reason. Other family might make that a problem. Whatever, screw spell check , I don't need it. I'm fucking hungry right now too because I'm on a defecit.
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–- Update From New Post Merge ---
And I realized my lfie has been kind of pathetic in a way.
I've never been poor or anything, but I enver did much that other kids did. Go on vacations with family, spend holdays with relatives, go to Disney World. It took awhile for me to get the games or toys I wanted, and all that time I already lost interest in them.
On the social front, I usually got by by being nice and making jokes - but my jokes and would sometimes backfire a bit and make me look like a jackass, even when I didn't want to be.
And I got made fun of a lot, down the stretch in school - during recess, it could be constant shit about how I sucked basketball, even though I wouldn't say the same things to them if they weren't playing well (basketball was the main thing to play at recess since no one cared about soccer, and I didn't want to just sit around. I wanted to do some physic activity), it could be shit about how I suck at drawing, and more importntly, they made fun of how I was - sometimes it be my face, and my facial expressions, or my voice - should I couldn't control. And again, I never did that stuff to them. I never made any first insult to them.
Why did that happen to me, huh?
And then I felt like shit, stopped talking, missed out. I always felt like "ugh" about my weight, hoping I'd lose it in a couple of years, it never happened. Not my fault that I struggle with parents. whatever.
Anyway, I missed out on dances. I never wanted to go. And the constant teasing and insults and shit kind of ruined me I guess? who knows. I still try to be a nice person to other people all the time. That's never changed. I tend to react negatively to praise now, though.
Anyway, I've missed out on other things too. Hanging out with friends, going to parties, etc.
I dont' know what else. Grades? Always been good for the most parts. Who gives shit. That doesn't matter. You'll always have people who say that "oh screw the cool kids, I'll be a smart guy and make more money than them while they'll be regretting".
Well guess fucking what? That doesn't mean shit. It doesn't mean shit if you're not enjoying life, yourself, etc. It doesn't mean shit if you're gonna be looking back at yourself and regretting everything. It doesn't mean shit if some of those people who made fun of you are actually well off. It doesn't mean shit.
This is going on a tangent now, but I hate people that say bullying is good. No, bullying is not good. The response is often that "bullying helps you deal with the real world". No, bullshit, you wanna know what helps you deal with the real world? A reality check. Reality checks and bullying aren't always the same thing. It could be a news story, or a lecture, or a lesson.
Bullying? That shit destroys you. The only difference is that I had cracks already, and then the bullying just fucking stick a stack of dynamite up my asshole and me me go BOOM! ( go a head and laugh at this if you want, I put it there for comedy but the point still stands regardless).
MY grades are good. I hate some of the classes I have. Some force you to read books that either do a shitty job of explaining new material to readers, are just poorly or oddly written, or are paced to death, especially about topics that aren't that extensive.
And some teachers just pile you with busy work. I don't feel like doing this work you sadistic sociopath! god. I hate this shit. I them. I hate the ones that provide these massive amounts of work and VERY strict rules and literally design courses expecting students to not do well in them. It's like as if they're trying to bend them as much as possible without them breaking them since they know students can't do anything about it. It's like psychological torture. I mean, that doesn't happen often, but still, fuck those who do that.
Right now I still have the same bored "whatever" feeling that I despise. NOthing happens.
So yeah, that's it. It's pathetic. That's not counting some other shit. Video games? I don't even get much enjoyment from them. I think it's only been recently, within the last 1 or 2 where I've been getting an acutal feelign of some sort. But it all feels like a failed experiment with a few outliers here and there recently.
And toys? Don't care anymore. So fuck me. I've lived a life that doesn't look bad at all on the surface. I had access to high-speed internet, I'm tech-savvy, I can draw pretty solidly, can make humor that can help with other situations (even then, that doesn't mean much now since the only people that have stuff in common with me are the types of people that I hate. Maybe it's because I see myself in them? When I'm talking to other people, it feels silent.) etc. But man, shit turned out the worst way for other things.
I don't give a fuck at this point about if I sound like some "first-world problems" kid. Though I don't think anyone was gonna accuse me of that to begin with. Anyway, it's hard to say I don't give a fuck because do I really care? What about those daydreams or fake filtered feelings? What about I how took Prozac some years ago and abruptly stopped? Maybe those are the reasons?
Still hungry right now, and I've been sitting down on this uncomfortable chair for the past hour and a half to 2 hours. Came back from the gym 4-5 hours ago, yet it's all gone by in a flash. That tends to happen a lot. Too much, in fact. I don't know what to do. Psychologists don't do shit. Typing this on this forum won't do anything. People won't read this post. It's too long.
Did a full-body gym routine. My lowerback is weak, but I can work on that. But my shoulders are rounded. That pisses me off a lot. It's not my fault. I wanted to play a lot as a kid but the house had a lot of things that could break and the backyard was bad. School is full of kids sitting down anyways. So it's only for the last couple of years that I've been fully responsible. But I go the gym a lot, and have been making an effort to get up from my seat a lot and to do stretches and lifts (reverse flies) to correct the problem (except for the last couple of hours). But I still have them, and it's gonna take a lot of time to fix them. But other people don't have to deal with this shit. They can sit down.
They can have a huge margin for error, be dick to other people, and it doesn't mean anything.They can make mistakes, learn from it. I fuck up, without it even being all my fault….
and here I am doing the whole "blame it on family/other life cricumstances" shtick that, while not unreasonable, I never thought/never hoped that I would be in this position.
Does anyone suddenly feel all "wandery" about life when they're sick? It's something I noticed randomly. It's not that I have a cold right now, just an observation.
Anyway, goodnight.