Jokes & Humor thread
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I'm a diabetic korean african american from Yemen and I find no offense in these comedies.
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poo .
pee .
fart .
nigger .
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Shoop Da Woop!!!!!
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A gay nigger enters a bar
"Can I have a glass of blood please, from a baby with AIDS please"
But since the bartender is autistic he doesn't take his order and instead keeps on counting jews who died in gaz chambers
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Why do French people eat frogs?
Give up?
Cuz they're French, and they're SILLY!
Oooooooh I'm so bad.
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@Earthworm:
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f43/HulkDavidson/coalBlack45.jpg
LMAO Rofl. And yeah, Racism is funny until it's actually meant, I seldom meet people who actually black people who say the N word. Me and My friends crack racist jokes all the time.
for example:
Mike: I can't believe you can't swim Josh.
Me: Well, I don't have nearly as much experience as you, with you swimming across the border and all. (he's mexican)
Mike: Well, we couldn't afford the boat Josh. (I'm african american)
Me: Touche.
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WOW. I'm now seeing this dirty jokes sections. LOL. Enjoy :)
LITTLE TONY ON MATH
! A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
! He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
! The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
! Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
! "There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream. Which one is married ?"
! The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
! To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."LITTLE TONY ON MATH
! Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
! "Why?" asks the father ?
! "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.
! "But that's right !" says his dad.
! "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"
! "What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
! "That's what I said !"LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
! Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"
! TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."
! Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."
! Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
! Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"
! The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the
word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
! Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
! One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
! First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
! "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
! "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
! She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.
! "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !'"LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
! Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
! Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
! The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business." -
Two jews walk into a bar
they buy it
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Ok ok, so why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-mart??
Boys pants were half-off… /facepalm
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Why is that Beyonce song called to the left?
Because black people have no rights.
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Said to the wife this morning
"Last night when we were making love,were you faking it?"
"No" she said "I really was asleep"I have some Australian relatives visiting me soon,
or as i like to look at it returning to the scene of the crime.A new survey conducted all over America has finally concluded that 98% of Americans say Europe is the best city they have ever been to.
edit
the other 2% think its a type of burger.In a recent survey 79% of Americans admitted that they are rude
The other 21% are too fat to speakWith hindsight, it was a silly idea taking Stephen Hawking out on the piss last night.
I should've known he can't hold his drink.It has been reported in the press that Steven Hawking suffered a terrible crash today…
..luckily, though, he was able to reboot.Is Barack Obama the first Black Man to beat a white woman and not serve time for it?
A man goes into a library and asks, 'Can I have a book on Star Wars?'
The librarian replies, 'Off fuck, bring it back you won't!'When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.Obesity...
The easiest way to avoid rape.What do Gary Glitter and Napalm have in common?
Both can strip the clothes off a small Vietnamese child in under two seconds.What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
They both leave little boys' bedrooms with empty sacks. -
A man and a woman are making love. The man suggests "lets try the 68 position". "The 68 position? What's that?" asked the woman. The man replies, "that's where you give me a BJ and I owe you one".
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Why do gay people wear glow in the dark condoms?
To Play Star Wars!!!!!
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Why you don't see black women and an asian guy couple too much???
because big booty and small dick don't much.
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What cant a black person get.
Black eye and swollen lips..okay that was stupid but what the heck
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Why do French people eat frogs?
Give up?
Cuz they're French, and they're SILLY!
Oooooooh I'm so bad.
Oh, now that's just nasty! I hope you get poured with tea, stupid man.
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What's the difference between a Mexican and an iron bench?
An iron bench can support a family.Why are black people getting stronger?
TVs are getting heavierWhy do black guys cry after sex?
Cuz of the pepper sprayWhat do you call a black guy in a suit?
A defendant -
why mister yakuza is not your average asian???
because he is not good at math
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What does the woman scream while she's being kicked down the basement stairs?
"Budweiser or Heineken !?"
and to compensate for that blatant Sexism:
What should the woman do when her husband runs in circles?
She should Keep on shooting.
Not really dirty but atleast I tried
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^ I don't get the first joke….but you'll probably ruin it by explaining it anyway
So a guy is talking to his friend:
Guy: "Hey, so I just met the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. There's one problem though; every time I see her, I get a boner. I don't want her to think I'm some pervert so I'm avoiding her. Can you help me out?"
Friend: "Sure. I've got an idea. Ask her out tommorrow and I will tell you what to do from there."
-The next day-
Friend: "So how did it go?"
Guy: "I got a date with her! But my problem still isn't fixed..."
Friend: "Ok, so heres what you have to do. Tape your penis to the inside of your leg. This way, it will be impossible for you to get a boner."
-The next day-
Friend: "So how did the date go? "
Guy: "Not so well. She was wearing the most beautiful dress I've ever seen in my life. So I kicked her in the face."
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I get slightly nervous when speaking in front of people. My friend told me the way to combat this is just to imagine the audience naked.
This is particularly enjoyable for me as I'm a primary school teacher.Stephen Hawking masturbating - now there's a stroke of genius.
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?
They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.I bought some Viagra off the internet the other day. I wasn't sure if it was genuine and safe so I thought I'd try it on the dog first.
His arse is gonna hurt for days!A man rushes into a pub and orders a double-brandy.
While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: "Do penguins grow this tall?"
"Sure…" The barman replies.
The man raises his hand up to his hip: "How about this tall?"
"Well, maybe a king penguin, but I'm not sure..."
The man hold his hand at shoulder level: "This tall?"
"Not a chance."
The man knocks back his drink and says: "Then I just ran over a nun.I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"Why should you never shag a midget with learning difficulties?
It's not big and it's not clever.50% of Americans don't have a passport.
It's not that they don't want to leave their country,
They're just too fat to fit into a photo booth.enjoy
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@John:
Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?
They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.ahaha that one was great.
What happened to the Jewish man with an erection who walked into a wall?
He broke his nose.So a teenage girl finally gets her license after her brother constantly makes fun of her for not having one. One day, she decides to ask her dad if she can take the car out to go out with her friends on Saturday.
Her dad says: "ok, you can take the car, but you will have to follow one condition. Every time you take the car, my dick has to be sucked."
Girl: "Ew dad. That's disgusting. But fine, I'll do it.
So the girl pulls down her dad's pants. As soon as she puts her lips on her dad's dick, she pulls away in disgust.
Girl: "Ew dad your dick tastes like shit."
Dad: "Oh ya that reminds me. It's your brother's turn to take the car out tonight."
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ahaha that one was great.
"ah cheers, ive got loads but i cant post 90% of them:sad:
but as you have taken a favour to jewish jokes here's another
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack -
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One's a cunning runt, the other is a running c*nt.
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What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
One's a cunning runt, the other is a running c*nt.
Reminds me of the difference between between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck… I forget the rest but your mothers a whore!
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How do you know when an Iranian has become a man?
When he takes the diaper off his ass and puts it on his head.
How do you stop an iraqi tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
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@John:
I get slightly nervous when speaking in front of people. My friend told me the way to combat this is just to imagine the audience naked.
This is particularly enjoyable for me as I'm a primary school teacher.Stephen Hawking masturbating - now there's a stroke of genius.
Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
Women are like parking spaces, normally all the good ones are taken.
So, occasionally, when no one's looking, you have to stick it in a disabled one.Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?
They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.I bought some Viagra off the internet the other day. I wasn't sure if it was genuine and safe so I thought I'd try it on the dog first.
His arse is gonna hurt for days!A man rushes into a pub and orders a double-brandy.
While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: "Do penguins grow this tall?"
"Sure…" The barman replies.
The man raises his hand up to his hip: "How about this tall?"
"Well, maybe a king penguin, but I'm not sure..."
The man hold his hand at shoulder level: "This tall?"
"Not a chance."
The man knocks back his drink and says: "Then I just ran over a nun.I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"Why should you never shag a midget with learning difficulties?
It's not big and it's not clever.50% of Americans don't have a passport.
It's not that they don't want to leave their country,
They're just too fat to fit into a photo booth.enjoy
Those were hilarious,I practically fell out of the chair laughing.
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@ZeArmyOfHalen:
Ok ok, so why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-mart??
Boys pants were half-off… /facepalm
AHHHHHH! f Michael Jackson jokes are not funny they are retarded,Im sick of hearing them.
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AHHHHHH! f Michael Jackson jokes are not funny they are retarded,Im sick of hearing them.
bad experiences from your childhood????
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OK…. time for more of my sick humour ;P
Someone has to tell Madonna that Africans aren't Pokemon - she can't catch 'em all.
Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men".
So he stabs her & nicks her purse.I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it's only for victims.Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"
He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"Eighteen year old virgin.
No recollection from the victim.
No witnesses.
Carlsberg don't do rapes....What does a bible and a penis have in common ?
Both get shoved down your throat by a PriestAfter strangulation, which organ in the female body remains warm after death?
My cock.A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.Why are chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great watching one fall down a flight of stairs.And these ones are just for you hellfire…lol
Remember that news footage a few years ago showing Michael Jackson dangling a young child from a hotel balcony? Odd, because he normally just tosses them off.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a PS3?
Nothing; they're both plastic, they both come in black and white, and they both get turned on by kids.Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:- "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."Enjoy
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@Mister:
bad experiences from your childhood????
I dont know why but this made me laugh.
Whats does a mother-in-law and hemorroids have in common?
There both a pain in the ass,well it wasnt really dirty or funny but its the best I got.
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So a teenage girl finally gets her license after her brother constantly makes fun of her for not having one. One day, she decides to ask her dad if she can take the car out to go out with her friends on Saturday.
Her dad says: "ok, you can take the car, but you will have to follow one condition. Every time you take the car, my dick has to be sucked."
Girl: "Ew dad. That's disgusting. But fine, I'll do it.
So the girl pulls down her dad's pants. As soon as she puts her lips on her dad's dick, she pulls away in disgust.
Girl: "Ew dad your dick tastes like shit."
Dad: "Oh ya that reminds me. It's your brother's turn to take the car out tonight."
fedcom, oh fedcom! Dear god, no! I feel so bad but I actually laughed!
A mother has three daughters who all got married the same day.
Curiously, the mother called them the very next morning to know how the fist night with their husbands went.The fist daughter answered:It was like Maxwell coffee….
The mother didn't quite understand but then she watched the commercial for Maxwell coffee.
The slogan said "Sensual Satisfaction to the very last drop"The mother was happy and called her next daughter.
Again the daughter answered rather cryptically:It was like Burger king.
The mother went through the ads again until she finally found a burger king one:
"Pure Taste. Come and King size your Life."The mother was relieved and called her last daughter.
The last daughter murmured: It was like British airwaysAs she went through the magazines ,the mother finally found an ad for british airways. The moment she read it she dropped dead.
The advertisement read:
British airways: five times a day, seven days a week, in both directions! -
A Black man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Black man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.
The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Black man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!
The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Black men.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book about homosexuals.
The librarian says, 'You're in luck. This ones just come out.'In the hospital the relatives gathered in the
waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure,
but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"The doctor quickly responded, " £5,000 for a female brain, and £200 for a male brain."
The moment turned awkward. Women in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the men, but some actually smirked. A woman unable to control
her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the female brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,
"It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the male brains, because they've actually been used."The only time I want to hear about an American on the news is when I hear the words "Before turning the gun on himself".
enjoy ;P
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Damn some of these are drop dead hilarious. Good work guys.
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A nun gets into the back of a taxi and as the taxi driver takes off she tells him that she likes to have sex. The driver finds this very odd but asks her if she would have sex with him.
She replies, "Yes, but I don't have sex with married men or men who have children…and one more thing...the front is for God and the back is for you" as she points to her pussy and then to her ass.
The driver gets in the back and starts fucking her up the ass and then stops.
The nun asks, "Why did you stop?"
The driver zips up his pants and says, "I just want you to know that I'm married and have two children."
The nun pulls her habit down and says, "Well, if you're ready for confessions, my name is Bob and I'm on my way to a costume party."
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John giants jokes so far are the best and katt williams did not come up with the hickory dickory dock shows those were originally by dice clay.
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cheers GEPPETTOSMONSTER
How ironic would it be if everyone went blind in the year 2020?
They used to call Gary Glitter 'The Missile' when he was on tour due to his sexual prowess…
Sorry, my mistake they used to call him the 'Tour Paedo.'Husband and wife are shopping in Asda when the man picks up a case of Stella and sticks it in the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, tenner for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies, 'So does 24 cans of Stella and they're half the fucking price!'A man is walking along a beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie thanks the man for freeing him and says, "I will grant you three wishes. But I am a cursed genie, so your mother-in-law will get double what you wish for."
The guy agrees and says," For my first wish, I want a luxury yacht."
The genie says," Your wish is my command!" and poof! A luxury yacht appears, and at the same moment, two yachts appear at his mother-in-law's house.
"And for your second wish?" the genie asks. The guy says, "I wish for $10,000,000."
"Your wish is my command!" the genie says. And poof! A pile of $10,000,000 appears in front of the man and at the same moment $20,000,000 appears in his mother-in-law's bank account.
The genie says, "Now, this is your third and final wish, choose carefully."
"I wish there was a guy here who will beat me half to death."Enjoy =P
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A guy goes over to a girl's house to pick her up for a date, but before he can leave, the father comes up to him and starts talking to him. He says, "Let me tell you something about my daughter. She loves to screw. In fact, when you take her out, don't even think of anything else, just get straight to screwing!" So the guy, with an added sense of vigor takes the girl out. A few minutes later, the girl comes back with makeup running from crying and clothes ravaged. "I told you a thousand times, daddy, it's called the twist, not the screw!"
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@John:
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."Very clever, my friend, very freaking clever! It took my some time till I got this one, I even looked up the word in the dictionary, but then it finally hit me! LOL
Please bring us more, Johnny! :D
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(I do not take claim for this joke, but it is DAMN good! It's long though.)
! Heaven has been getting really packed lately. Too many people are entering Heaven at the same time. So God walks up the guard of the Golden Gate, and says, "Listen. We have too many people, so for now, I want you to only let people who died horribly inside. Okay?" The guard nodded.
! A man walked towards the Golden Gate. His name is Ted. The guard stops Ted. "I'm sorry. For you to enter the gates, you must tell me how you died."
! Ted agrees, and tells his story. "You see, I was hearing rumors that my wife was cheating on me. So one day, I snapped. I rushed home in the middle of work and busted into my apartment. I live in an apartment down by Apple Street. My room number is 364." He continued.
! "So I bust into my house, and my wife is acting all nervous. I start shaking her, 'WHERE IS HE!?' I start looking throughout the house. I'm ignoring everything she is saying. And then, I find the bastard hanging off of my balcony. Laughing like a maniac, I start stomping on his hands until he falls off. My balcony was three stories up. As luck would have it, the bastard survived the fall. So I grabbed my refrigerator and dropped it on him. I proceeded to laugh insanely, until I suddenly had a heart attack and died."
! The guard thought to himself, "Well…that is a sad way to die...I'll let you in."
! The next man steps foward. His name is Harry. The guard explains that Harry will have to tell how he died. So, Harry tells his story. "I live in an apartment on Apple Street, room 464. I'm gymnast, and a friend of mine dared me to do pull ups on my balcony. So, I go outside and start doing pull ups. Suddenly, I lose grip!"
! The guard starts concealing his laughter. "I catch the balcony below me, and out of nowhere, this douche starts stomping on my hands! Eventually, I lose grip and fall into a bush. At this point, I can't move. And the freaking psycho drops a fridge on me!"
! The guard covers his face. "It's okay. Just go inside!"
! The next man comes up. "You won't believe this. I was having sex with this woman, until she told me to hide in her fridge."
! The guard exploded with laughter.(Another one. Shorter, not mine, but really good.)
! Three explorers have been captured by a group of canabalists. The chief of the tribe steps foward to the three men. "We have full intention of devouring all three of you. However, we will let you live if you complete a task. Go out, and find ten of one type of fruit and bring it back here. If you do not come back, we will find you and kill you. Bring the fruit back, and you will have one more challenge for you."
! The three men seperated and found fruit. The first man came back with ten apples. The chief nodded. "Very good. Now for your final challenge. We will shove each of these apples up your rectum, and if you make even a TINY change in facial expression, we will kill you at that spot."
! The man was terrified. One by one apples were shoved up. By the third apple, he screamed and was stabbed for failing the challenge.
! The second man step foward. He had ten TINY berries. The chief told him the challenge, and they proceeded to shove berries. Three berries are shoved, no change in expression. Six berries are shoved, no change in expression. The ninth berry is shoved, the man suddenly bursts out laughing. They kill him.
! In Heaven, the first and second man meet up. The first man asks, "Why did you laugh? You were having berries shoved up your ass!"
! "I saw the third guy coming. He brought pineapples." -
This post is deleted!
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Very clever, my friend, very freaking clever! It took my some time till I got this one, I even looked up the word in the dictionary, but then it finally hit me! LOL
Please bring us more, Johnny! :D
ah man….ive been getting really depressed due to the lack of responses, but when i realised the forums got a glitch i scrolled up and bam.........replies:cwy:
wahey, and nice ones at that cheers
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Look up 'rib' in the dictionary and it says "To vex, irritate or annoy."
Look up 'rib' in the Bible and it says "Woman."
Coincidence?How does Stephen Hawking run?
On double A'sI got stopped by a woman in the street today.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?"
I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."
The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"
Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are drowning their sorrows down the pub.
"I can't believe it." says the Englishman. "Me and the wife- we've been together 15 years and today I found out she's been having an affair with a builder."
"How do you know it was a builder?" the others ask.
"I found a box of tools under the bed."
"Join the club." says the Scotsman. "Today, I found out my wife's been having an affair with a milkman."
"How do you know it was a milkman?" the others ask.
"I found a crate of milk under the bed."
"You as well?" asks the Irishman. "I've just found out the wife was having an affair with a fokkin horse!"
The other two look at him incredulously. "How do you know it was a horse?"
"I found a jockey hiding under the bed."An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me, myself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but it happened to me sister!"Irelands worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night.An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics in Beijing, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "Paddy Murphy, fencing."
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."Again enjoy =P
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Ahhh…. I've got two
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep and turns on the light
His wife wakes up and asks him what he's doing
he replies this is the dirty pig I've been sleeping with
his wife says thats a sheep honey
he says "I was talking to the sheep"
next one......
A whiteman has heard about how black men have big dicks but he believes his is bigger so when he's out with a black friend over a bridge he decides to take a piss he unzips and you here a splash he says the waters cold
His black friend does the same and looks at him and says "deep too"
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If your french look away now, or should i say retreat….lol
How many French troops does it take to defend Paris?
We don't know, it hasn't been tried yet.I've got a tip for you: if you install the French versions of your favourite programmes, they run a lot faster.
What's the difference between toast and a Frenchman?
You can make soldiers out of toastA man asks his friend, "what's the most common French expression?"
His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"I was considering joining the army the other day, but then I thought, if I want to be shouted at by some arsehole in a beret, I'll just go to France.
There was a march through Paris today for French War Heroes.
Traffic was at a standstill for over an hour while the police tried to find one.Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"?
Because it's never seen in a combat zoneA French War Hero, a peaceful Muslim and the Loch Ness Monster are sitting in a bar.
Who is the odd one out?
The Loch Ness Monster, because there is a chance that he actually existsok im done for today….......Zzzzz
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^LOL. Dang, you guys really do hate the French don't you. Kinda OT, but you might appreciate this. "The Afterlife is France" (Don't ask why they're spatulas, just go with it).
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^LOL. Dang, you guys really do hate the French don't you. Kinda OT, but you might appreciate this. "The Afterlife is France" (Don't ask why they're spatulas, just go with it).
nah, im just going through different jokes each day, next up america…...
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Statistically… 9/11 Americans won't get this joke.
Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.
An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.
The barman replied "You're American aren't you?"
The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"
The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fuck I have ever seen."A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "140."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "120."
So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "65."
The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?""Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American.
"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.
"Funny," said the Englishman, "you've got the strangest English accent I've ever heard."50% of Americans don't have a passport.
It's not that they don't want to leave their country,
They're just too fat to fit into a photo booth.Why couldn't the American woman play violin?
She didn't know which chin to stick it under.George W. Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad meet in Tehran for peace talks following recent hostilities. As they're sat down, Bush notices three buttons on the side of his chair.
He pushes the first one and a boot comes flying out of nowhere kicking him in the shins. The Iranian president falls about laughing.
He pushes the second button and a boxing glove comes flying through the air and hits him in the face. Again the Iranian president pisses himself laughing.
He pushes the third button tentatively and another boot comes flying out of nowhere and kicks him in the balls. Eyes watering, he falls to the floor while the Iranian president struggles for air as he's laughing so hard.
Bush staggers to his feet and announces that he's going to Washington - the Iranian president will be welcome to resume talks in three days.
Three days pass and the Iranian president arrives in Washington for the talks.
As he sits down in his seat he notices three buttons on the side. Eyeing them suspiciously, he presses the first one.
Nothing happens........ Bush starts giggling.
He winces as he pushes the second one. Again, nothing.... Bush starts laughing harder.
He grimaces as he pushes the third one. Once more, nothing happens..... Bush falls out of his seat laughing.
The Iranian president gets up in a huff and announces, "I'm going back to Iran."
Gasping for air, Bush replies, "what Iran?"
Again enjoy =P
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What is the similarities between the doctors in vietnam and janitors in america????
- annual salary
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@ John Giant
U are the best… your jokes really makes me laugh
Oh plz do Germany next gg
An Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard
"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"
"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"
Three guys are debating about which of their languages is the most pleasing to the ear.
The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, it is pronounced 'Mariposa', a beautiful sounding word."
The French man says, "True, but Papillion, the French word for butterfly, is even more beautiful."
"What's wrong with Schmetterling," asks the German?