The end of my roommate story did indeed involve moving into an apartment off campus.
Also Nolus, I know it's nowhere near enough, but even if we might as well be digital nonexistant people if you're feeling that low you can always turn to some of us to talk if it helps. ;_;
My mom just told me some terrible things. I started to cry and called the only person who's on my side and is most familiar with my situation. For a moment, I had to seriously convince myself not to think about suicide. I couldn't do it, but it's scary that it has come to that. Even the thoughts are bad.
Fortunately she told me some good advice and now I have one possible "safe place" if things get out of hand.I can still hardly accept that my mother doesn't love me though.
I'm in agreement with Monkey King here - we're here for you.
Don't you ever forget that Q u Q okay?
What Zeph said :< And I know Cyprus is hella expensive to get to, but if you ever decide you need to get the hell out of your country for a while, my house has a welcoming bed and all for you, as well as a nice apartment in a lovely complex with two pools if you wanna chill for summer!
Oh guys, I didn't mean that you're not here for me, I'm so sorry if it sounded like that ;_; I know I can count on you!
You're so kind to me!
And after all this, my mom dares to tell me that the guy's coming tonight as well.
I should go have a shower now…
Here's a teddy bear. Hope you feel better :)
Well tonight has been very eventul for me… just glad with how things turned out in the end Q u Q
[hide]I thought I was going to lose my world, I swear… I don't think I've cried so much before, and never before have I just burst into tears like that... but I'm glad things are okay now ^ u ^[/hide]
Don't give up, Nolus! It will get better for sure, especially for someone as intelligent as yourself.
Well tonight has been very eventul for me… just glad with how things turned out in the end Q u Q
[hide]I thought I was going to lose my world, I swear… I don't think I've cried so much before, and never before have I just burst into tears like that... but I'm glad things are okay now ^ u ^[/hide]
What happened? Did it involve your parents?
I'm going to snap now. I'm inches away of really comitting suicide. I can't take this anymore, Help me!
I'm going to snap now. I'm inches away of really comitting suicide. I can't take this anymore, Help me!
[/all of the mass clinghuggles]
whatever you do, please don't do it >___< please
I'm not that good at comforting people but I'm here to listen (heck I kinda had to to this yesterday and it's getting me down that so many wonderful peeps are even considering harming/taking their lifes, honestly…)
Nolus, please do not do anything rash. Let's talk it out, here or in PM or in chat. I know we don't know each other very well, but I would be happy to listen to you and help if I can. And I know others would too.
You are a smart, beautiful, and vibrant young lady, and even though things are bad right now, that doesn't mean they always will be. You still have a lot to offer this world. Don't give up just yet. AP has yer back, hun.
What happened? Did it involve your parents?
No…
[hide]Babusa hit a majorly depressed moment because of the suicide of one of their close friends, and then a 'friend' of ours kept making things worse… in the end she didn't end herself but... >< yeah... it was so terrifying the whole night. I don't think I've ever cried so much for someone I swear >< if she died... I just don't know what I'd do...[/hide]
I'm going to snap now. I'm inches away of really comitting suicide. I can't take this anymore, Help me!
I don't know what's going on in that house, but you need to stay out of it for as many hours as you can buy. Even if that means you only stay home when it's time to sleep.
In fact, you should get out of your house now so you can recuperate and release all this tension.
If you have a park or a more rural area, please (as long as that area is safe) go take a walk over there. Get away from noisy environments and allow yourself some rest.
I haven't been here at APForums for very long and I can already tell that you're one of this forum's favorite users. With that said, I'm sure everyone will support you if you feel you have no one to talk to.
LA LA LAAAAAA. LA LA LA LA!(-Dearly Beloved)
I never came to this thread before and when i did the first thing i saw was a thought of suicide by a good person on the forums.
im in shock…
im here to help as well, and although i cannot physically take action, i always like being a listening ear and possibly trying to give advice, though i usually doubt i can since my life experience on suicidal thought is limited.
I'm going to snap now. I'm inches away of really comitting suicide. I can't take this anymore, Help me!
I'm terribad with advice and I know this says it's for something else, but… it might help @ ^ @; I don't know...
[/all of my clinghuggles]
[hide]http://the-struggle-makes-youu-stronger.tumblr.com/post/33997564512/alternatives-for-when-youre-feeling-angry-or[/hide]
Yeah. Pretty much what everyone else is saying. Don't do it, Nolus.
Don't really know what else to say, to be honest with you. =/
Thank you all! I think I'm okay for now. It'd be the best to explain.
As I wrote it here, in this thread yesterday, the troubles finally followed me all the way home, meaning that my own privacy and safety is being somewhat invaded. My mom accused me of not having the right to complain about her bringing her boyfriend because I never wash the dishes and didn't take the vacuum-cleaner to its place and tha I never do anything. Of course her boyfriend spent the night here and will probably tonight as well.
Partly because of yesterday and my period, I didn't sleep very well, and despite trying my best, I still could hardly make it through. I came home after school and after I ate, I tried to sleep some. I woke up to someone coming home. At first, I thought my mom already brought her boyfriend and that I have to see the guy and actually greet him or something. But no, it was my mom with my brother and his friend. I went into my room and tried to stay out of way, but my mom started to pack around my room. When I asked why she did so, she replied: "We switch the beds" "Why" "Because we switch the rooms"
My room is bigger than hers, and I guess now that she has a boyfriend who somehow requires our appartement to date my mom or something (when I asked my mom about it, she said it's not my business and that it's HER appartement and she does as she pleases).
So they started packing things and I panicked. I asked how we'll fit my desk, bed and all my dragons in her room. She said we'll manage and continued packing. I panicked even more. She didn't listen to my opposition, and I broke out in tears. I demanded them to stop and shouted that they can't do this to me. I even cried for the first time to my mom that I'll commit suicide if it goes like this. She just said: "Okay, but it'd be a bad decision" with a straight most unemotional face.
I think I lost my mind at that point. I cried and cried, and she stopped fortunately and my brother with his friend left.
I cried up till a half an hour ago. My mom wanted me to listen to her "just once in a lifetime" and said that it's no use crying and that I should stop, because I just embarrass myself.
I called that someone (living on the other side of the country) and spoke with her over the phone.
My mom's not home at the moment, but I guess she just went to pick up her boyfriend.
I'm under a lot of stress recently, because of the OKTV English competition's second round and because of the university application (which I have to do this month). It's so much pressure, and I can't start having bad grades now. I can't just tell the teachers that I can't sleep properly and have problems and that's why my performance worsens. I've had enough of school, my mom, all these problems, all these things I have to do. I just want a calm place, but I can't have it because my mom "found the big one" in like two days and they can't go elsewhere but this appartment that I happen to share with my mom.
Despite begging, my mom still didn't find a psychologist for me and she tells me over and over how I require too much and give nothing and so on. On the other side, I'm really good for telling others how smart I am so she can look like she actually cares.
I think this is all for now. I'm afraid of what's coming.
Mothers that don't seem to love their child. I don't get them.
I haven't read anything in this thread so I don't know if you've been posting here for a long time, but anyways I know barely anything about your school, any potential work you have or could do, or other stuff in your life. Which is why I cannot advise you for shit.
You indeed need a place where you can be by yourself and live in peace. I don't really get what you mean by your mom found the big one, though?
All I can say is hang on and look for that thing to hold on to. That thing which you have a grip on that calms you and makes you feel comfortable.
In the end that is what keeps us going.
Reading that makes me feel so much damned rage toward your mother, Nolus, do forgive me…
I just can't understand why she would even act such a way I swear...
But I shall refrain from raging here. It never ends well. Cause one my temper snaps shit hits the fan. Seriously.
I just.
Rah.
I just wish there was more I could do, y'know? Actually offer useful advice and not just virtual clinghuggles and the sorts...
Yet when I try to think of advice my mind always worries about it, whether it's the right thing or not, honestly...
So I'll say this: we're here for you, Nolus, and I'm not saying that as if you don't know I'm saying it because reasons. We're all here to talk with, and even if I'm not the best of comforters I'm here as well, okay?
I think most American comics are generally inferior to Japanese comics. Japanese comics are much more diverse in style and genres than the superhero over-reliant American market(there are non superhero stuff but in pales in comparison to the vast ocean of superhero comics). I dislike the corporate model embraced by DC and Marvel(they pimp out literally 3 or 4 books for one character). The fact that there is 4 or five bat-books out there is an exemplar of whats wrong the market. To note, I can say that most kids don't read them no longer and now have migrated to either manga or other forms of entertainment. The market is too conservative and corporate mandated, creator rights are treated like trash.
To carry my point I will give you quotes from a professional comic writer.
@Ed:
"No comic book store could stay in business selling just alternative comics. That's what I think of when I think of what the comics industry needs most. It needs more diverse material. It can't be 10 percent alternative comics and 90 percent superheroes."
@Ed:
If I were in charge of Marvel or DC, I'd cut half their lines and try different genres. That's the problem when they do try new genres or new projects that aren't superheroes: they're not cutting anything to make space for it. They're putting something out in addition to, and the retailers are always going to play it safe and go with the stuff they know they can sell instead of the crime comic they may not even have room for on the shelf. They can't return it if it doesn't sell; they get stuck with it. That's why the industry is so stunted in its experimentation, because the retailers all bear the brunt of the burden.
@Ed:
What I'm frustrated by are the same things that frustrated me as an alternative cartoonist. The entire direct market is too geared towards superheroes, and even within superheroes it's geared towards the stuff everyone's already heard of. When was the last time a superhero was launched that didn't fail? Can you think of a single character that was created even in the '70s that is still being published?
Vagabond, Real, Berserk, Nausicaa, Akira, Vinland Saga, Lone Wolf Cub will I get them in a market so fixated with over-saturation of male soap operas in tights? When will things change?
I can't believe it.
My mother just told me she was screwing with me. Not the funny kind of screwing. She wanted to scare me.
And apparently, I was the one who destroyed her friendship that lasted 27 years, because I lied about her to her friend (who lives far away and also helps me through this whole period). And that I'm a terrible human being for telling my mother that I feel she doesn't love me. Along with listing some of my bad deeds and bad qualities.
And he's bringing her boyfriend again.
And my brother was in the whole thing too as well as his friend whom I regarded as a very intelligent, very kind person.
Who else will stab me in the back? I'm counting, it's now 5 people just this year.
I'm so angry now. My head's pounding from the exhaustion, anger and the aftermath of the crying.
Wow, I can't believe I made that nerd rant in a serious topicbacks away in awkward guilt.
I.. am very sorry I am going to phrase it like this, because usually I respect people's mothers and all, but.. well… Your mother is a selfish, abusive, despicaple bitch. That was serious emotional abuse and it fucking hurts more that physical abuse imo. Oh God I want to slap her silly. I am so sorry you have to go through something like this sweetheart..
Siblings play into such relationships too. Your brother is probably the kind that can see that the power figure/broker in the family can be tipped toward you and away from him in these instances. I wouldn't take his side-taking to remotely make them seem legit in the crap they're giving you.
I have my comparably absolutely light issues with my family, and my sister has long played that role.
Wow, I can't believe I made that nerd rant in a serious topicbacks away in awkward guilt.
Nah, you couldn't have known.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
I can't believe it.
My mother just told me she was screwing with me. Not the funny kind of screwing. She wanted to scare me.
And apparently, I was the one who destroyed her friendship that lasted 27 years, because I lied about her to her friend (who lives far away and also helps me through this whole period). And that I'm a terrible human being for telling my mother that I feel she doesn't love me. Along with listing some of my bad deeds and bad qualities.And he's bringing her boyfriend again.
And my brother was in the whole thing too as well as his friend whom I regarded as a very intelligent, very kind person.
Who else will stab me in the back? I'm counting, it's now 5 people just this year.
I'm so angry now. My head's pounding from the exhaustion, anger and the aftermath of the crying.
I'd offer you tea to help cool down, but, well, it'd take me 6 hours just to bring it over, and by then it'd be cold.
Seriously though, your mother needs to be told that she's not funny and never has been.
@No:
Nah, you couldn't have known.
I kinda rushed in to vent, didn't bother looking
Tis' sad I suppose.
Well in other news I just finished the fourth season of the Wire and lets just say I got a dose of what that season was saying in real life. I will relay when the time is right.
Wow, Nolus. That was very appalling and heartbreaking to read. I'm sorry that you're going through so much right now, it sounds simply awful. It seems to me that your mother truly lacks the ability to feel any sort of empathy. She seems oblivious and indifferent to the stress and emotional turmoil you are experiencing (not only at home, but at school as well), and instead of listening to you and trying to find a way to resolve some of the problems that are plaguing both you and your family, she seems more interested in asserting some sort of "point" that she feels you are apparently overlooking. When you tell her you feel like she doesn't love you, instead of trying to get to the root of the problem, she gets defensive and shifts the blame to you. She is even nonchalant at the idea of you committing suicide. Her approach to parenting is highly dysfunctional, to say the least, and she very likely has larger mental and emotional issues that probably should be examined by a professional in a therapy setting.
But sadly, if she's not willing to seek help in dealing with her problems and the problems of your household, or even talk to you about it in a open, non-confrontational manner, then you need to distance yourself from her emotionally and start realistically planning to get out of her household. I know that is an idea that might seem overwhelming right now, and it's true that it might take a longer stretch of time than you would like to ultimately accomplish, but if she won't change, then removing yourself from her sphere of influence is only route to go in the long run. As someone who also grew up in a very abusive household, I can tell you that leaving was both the best therapy, and the best solution when it came to resolving my own inner conflicts. My life completely turned around for the better. And this is why you should not feel tempted toward suicide, Nolus - because you don't know how good life can be when you're free from the abuse. The pain doesn't have to follow you around like a ball and chain for the rest of your life. You can have a fresh start and live a good life. You just can't give up hope.
Until then, looks for ways to physically and emotionally remove yourself from her dysfunction. I agree with 1PceXperience - spend whatever time you can out of the apartment. Go to the library, go to a museum, go to a coffee shop - make whatever free time you have between home and school your reprieve. Turn to music, to literature, to art to soothe yourself when things get rough. Work on disciplining yourself to not be baited with your mother's emotional and psychological abuse, because her opinion doesn't validate you, Nolus. It doesn't shape your existence. See her dialogue for what it is - the venomous mutterings of a cruel and unbalanced woman. Because you are very well-liked and highly thought-of here, you know. You have lots of wonderful qualities that we can see; your intelligence, your good looks, your creativity, your sense of humor, your warm and friendly nature – I could go on! You have a lot to offer and a lot to live for.
Don't give up on your life, hun. Things can, and will, get better. It might take some time and effort, but few good things in life come easily. You are strong and you will get through this hardship, and be better for it.
And you know you can always talk to us here. :)
allll the hugs Nolus D:
I thought my mom had her nasty moments… Though when my mom started to go overboard my grandparents ripped her a new one (and then well immediately after my grandma was diagnosed with cancer, and that changed us all) and nothing like that scale has ever happened again.
It's a tough thing to wrap your head, though most importantly your heart, around that your parent(s) really don't love or give a crap about you. I think everyone else has summed up a lot about what I'd say.
Though you think you're ok right now, you MIGHT could try calling one of the suicide hotlines, and they can atleast direct you to resources that will try to help get you out of your mother's house. Though it might not be something you'll utilize, but if there is an option that SOUNDS good in case of an emergency, you'll know about it. I say that because some places I saw won't let you bring much in the way of personal items/goods, even your own computer, which for your schoolwork and what not wouldn't do you any good >_> I think everyone else has posted great ideas on getting out and just trying to stay away as much as you can, and thats good.
When I get overwhelmed with my mom's bullshit to the point putting a gun in my head sounds like a good idea, I've always headed to my grandparents. Which is what I've been doing currently... I came in here to whine about how the job I thought I was going to get is probably not going to happen, and now I have a more definite 2 months timeline to find a job before unemployment runs out, or I'm going to be forced back to my mom's, because I'll more likely find a job around there... I do not want a shitty job AND her again @_@ I need a stiff drink...
I think most American comics are generally inferior to Japanese comics. Japanese comics are much more diverse in style and genres than the superhero over-reliant American market(there are non superhero stuff but in pales in comparison to the vast ocean of superhero comics). I dislike the corporate model embraced by DC and Marvel(they pimp out literally 3 or 4 books for one character). The fact that there is 4 or five bat-books out there is an exemplar of whats wrong the market. To note, I can say that most kids don't read them no longer and now have migrated to either manga or other forms of entertainment. The market is too conservative and corporate mandated, creator rights are treated like trash.
To carry my point I will give you quotes from a professional comic writer.
Vagabond, Real, Berserk, Nausicaa, Akira, Vinland Saga, Lone Wolf Cub will I get them in a market so fixated with over-saturation of male soap operas in tights? When will things change?
Read stuff like Image Comics. There's a ton of non-cape stuff if you go outside DC/Marvel, and even then you can't really ignore current amazing cape stuff like Wonder Woman or Animal Man and Swamp Thing. It's all about caring enough to actually look stuff up instead of giving your attention to the bazillion mediocre Batman books that are going cause of this Batman craze. I personally don't find manga to be that special. You got authors who just do shounen with whatever gimmick: pirates, ninjas, exorcists, etc and see how long they can keep it going and you get the most cliche stuff ever in each of them. Then there's boring shoujo stuff. And the art styles really don't vary much, especially when compared to western comics. Just my two cents though, I still enjoy both.
Turns out my mother did the yesterday thing to teach me a lesson and to "show my what a bad mother is like".
And she blamed every problem we have on me and said that she did everything.
And that I'll become a terrible (or I am already) person (like my stepdad who's truly a bad person).
She also told me if I have any problem with her boyfriend coming EVERY FUCKING DAY I can go live elsewhere.
This morning, she came into my room and stood beside me and asked if we would hug each other. I… couldn't. It wasn't an apology,I felt it was just for her to calm her conscience.
I feel like a terrible person.
Nolus, you did nothing wrong. Your mum is fault. You can't fix relationship with anyone working just from one side - that can be a start, sure, but it's not enough - to fix a relationship both sides need to work for it and your mum just don't. Even if you have some shortcomings with how you act towards her it doesn't play much part - best, most functional relations have their shortcomings from each side, since no one is perfect - as long as one tries to figure those things out, like you do, one can't be consider at fault.
Getting away seems to be best option for you.
If you feel you need help from psychologist and your mum just doesn't acknowledge it, don't wait and seek the help on your own. I don't know how the things work were you live, but there should be psychologists seeing people for free, thanks to various charity organizations.
You are not terrible person. You are great. Don't anyone convince you otherwise.
You shouldn't feel like a terrible person because your mother tried to blame it all on you.
None of this is your fault.
Also, if she allows you to move out then you definitely should.
I don't know about your financial situation or if it is possible to find a job if you dont have enough money yet, but you should try to work towards it if you can.
Unless you somehow want to try and solve things with her, which I would also support if you decide to do it.
And if reasoning with her really doesn't work, then get the hell out of that place and find a comfortable place to be with yourself.
Read stuff like Image Comics. There's a ton of non-cape stuff if you go outside DC/Marvel, and even then you can't really ignore current amazing cape stuff like Wonder Woman or Animal Man and Swamp Thing. It's all about caring enough to actually look stuff up instead of giving your attention to the bazillion mediocre Batman books that are going cause of this Batman craze. I personally don't find manga to be that special. You got authors who just do shounen with whatever gimmick: pirates, ninjas, exorcists, etc and see how long they can keep it going and you get the most cliche stuff ever in each of them. Then there's boring shoujo stuff. And the art styles really don't vary much, especially when compared to western comics. Just my two cents though, I still enjoy both.
Hmm, I have read stuff outside the Batman and most I find in stores are pretty much superheroes. The point was that the market was too over saturated with the stuff. Also, I don't really read shonen(mostly seinen which is where the good stuff is). Oh yeah I have read Wonder Woman(I think its mediocre and dropped it). Oh well, I guess its dependent on taste perhaps I'm being shortsighted. I'll postpone the conversation for next time, there are more serious topics being discussed then comic books. I should have posted this in the western comics thread.
@Nolus - I agree with DarkFalcon and EvoWarrior (also regret that I wasn't on yesterday to console you)…...don't feel bad. Your mother's the one that tried to blame your skewed relationship on you alone, and that couldn't be farther from the truth. She seems to be blind to her treatment of you.
I dunno if you and her can actually work things out, but this was a step in the wrong direction.
Again.....it's not your fault!
Anybody who would call their kid a terrible person is a terrible person. Unless their kid's like a serial murderer or something, that's just not something you say. The only reason to ever say that to your kid's face is if you WANT to inflict emotional abuse.
I'm crying again.
I swear I wanted to work things out, I wanted to talk it over with her, I wanted to promise to be better but she was so cold. I cried but she remained cold. She said I only care about myself and that I'll never be able to love someone if I don't change. I try to change but every time I make a step forward, she or someone tells me I haven't gotten better at all. Even though I try but no one notices. Even though I want to be a better person my mom keeps telling me I'm a bad person because I'm egoistic and only care about myself. And that I can only be good for a short amount of time.
I swear I wanted to make things better between us, but she just kept telling me I'm a bad person. That I'm alone because I'm egoistic and only care for myself and because I spend so much time in front of the computer. But what can I do when my social life is on the internet? What can I do when going to school is more like a chore than a social event.
I thought I was a better person than a year ago but it seems I cannot change.
I swear I want to love my mother but I can't.
What should I do?
Maybe time apart from you will make your mother realise that she misses you.
Well in any case, time apart from HER will do you good.
And if she doesn't contact you or makes no attempt at all to make anything better, just remind yourself that she is not worth the effort.
She treats you like shit and she doesn't even deserve to be with you if i'd say.
If you live on your own and get comfortable then you can start thinking about what you want to and can do with life, and start working towards a future.
And who knows, maybe when you have achieved some things you can contact her and tell her about the stuff you've done, and that she should've been more supportive.
As much as your mother will keep hammering it in, you're not anything she accuses you of being. She has the time (and nerve) to be overly condescending, but not the time to discuss your relationship, get to know you better, and spend more time with you? Screw that.
I'll have to second Evo's advice….try some time apart so she can hopefully realize you're important to her, and come around. If so, you can start the long stride and amend your relationship. If not, you can at least move on with your life.
(i'm with you every step of the way, Nolus. :(
Unfortunately I cannot really go away. I'm still in high-school (albeit it's my last year). My only option is my at my grandfather's where my brother lives as well. I just don't really know what would I say and if it'd be possible at all. There's room, though, because they have a hellofa big flat.
For the near future, as far as getting out of this place for a whole goes, I'll visit my other grandparents, so one afternoon's checked. It's just so hard right now, the university application must be done in February, and there's a ton of school stuff (more than usual).
You know what, Nolus? Maybe it's time to be a little bit egoistic. I don't mean the kind of egoist, who is jerk, but just the kind who does the things for themselves. Trying to appease your isn't working, not your fault, you tried, it's natural that you want to make things better, but unless your mum realizes, she is wrong you can't do nothing. It's only burning you out inside without doing you any good.
Not trying may show in your attitude and be even seen by your mum as positive sign (who knows), at least it won't hurt you.
I know you are hurting because somebody important in your life is rejecting you and telling you it's all your fault. But you have your dreams and life goals, you have to endure and move forward. Plenty of people in here, who support you.
As I see things you are one of the most liked members on this forum, I think it wouldn't be, if any of your mother's claims about held true.
I agree with DarkFalcon. You are not an egoist in the first place. You always think and care for others even if those are strangers you met online!! If opening your heart to strangers you haven't even met face to face, is egoistic, then I am a unicorn.
You don't think just of yourself and you always consider others' feelings even if it's people that hurt you (i.e. your mother).
A nice sunctuary for you, where you can spend more time in and do work, would be the library imo. Be it school or public library. You can ask the people working there after a while (once they get used to your face around and you chat up with them a few times), if you can volunteer when you finish your work, to help them around with tidying books and stuff. So if you mom gives you shit about staying out of the house too long, you can cover it up by saying you are doing volunteer library work for extra credit in the instructions of a professor of yours or something.
You don't deserve treatment like this :(
Thank you all guys! You seriously make me tear up in a good way ;_; I just want to hug you all tight~
Maybe it's time to let your feelings for your mother "die" in your heart. Obviously she has no taste in good men either, so she's got no right to tell you that you're going to become the kind of person who also attracts bad people.
Many people, either out of laziness or just utter contempt/lack of care, will say a parent does a good job when they provide a roof over their head, clothes on their back, and some material items for their children. They aren't emotionally available or supportive or loving, and they automatically assume the child is an ungrateful little shit if they get upset over lack of emotional response from their parent(s). Not every parent loves their child, people can fuck and procreate and give no shits. Even if they decide to raise you, many do that because they're short-sighted and feel they're obligated and that's the only choice they have. Some think they want children but aren't emotionally ready to deal with them, or didn't realize they needed to be emotionally available to begin with. And then some people just want a welfare check. There's all sorts of non-legit reasons people decide to have kids, including they just feel that they're "less of a man or woman" if they don't procreate, even though they're not exactly the parent-types.
I honestly have no idea what makes your mom that way, it sounds like she has a host of her own issues, and to save your sanity, it might be best to get away and just let your relationship with her wither. If she wants to make the effort to do better, let her and be supportive. If she continues to treat you like an ass, despite bending over backwards to please her, then I wouldn't give another shit about trying to be there for her. Can I ask why your brother is living with your grandparents? Was he tired of her crap, too? Though it sounded like from what you posted before, he's also pretty twisted.
Maybe it's time to let your feelings for your mother "die" in your heart. Obviously she has no taste in good men either, so she's got no right to tell you that you're going to become the kind of person who also attracts bad people.
Many people, either out of laziness or just utter contempt/lack of care, will say a parent does a good job when they provide a roof over their head, clothes on their back, and some material items for their children. They aren't emotionally available or supportive or loving, and they automatically assume the child is an ungrateful little shit if they get upset over lack of emotional response from their parent(s). Not every parent loves their child, people can fuck and procreate and give no shits. Even if they decide to raise you, many do that because they're short-sighted and feel they're obligated and that's the only choice they have. Some think they want children but aren't emotionally ready to deal with them, or didn't realize they needed to be emotionally available to begin with. And then some people just want a welfare check. There's all sorts of non-legit reasons people decide to have kids, including they just feel that they're "less of a man or woman" if they don't procreate, even though they're not exactly the parent-types.
I honestly have no idea what makes your mom that way, it sounds like she has a host of her own issues, and to save your sanity, it might be best to get away and just let your relationship with her wither. If she wants to make the effort to do better, let her and be supportive. If she continues to treat you like an ass, despite bending over backwards to please her, then I wouldn't give another shit about trying to be there for her. Can I ask why your brother is living with your grandparents? Was he tired of her crap, too? Though it sounded like from what you posted before, he's also pretty twisted.
According to a "friend of the family" (whom I talked to many times), my mom doesn't really know how to love a child because she had an awful childhood. I believe that, but that's not really helping me at the moment. It just shows where the problem arises, and since we can't change the past, it's sort of "unsolvable" and we just have to accept that.
My brother was the first child (he came by accident by the way, which isn't uncommon is our family, but it's still meh), and I came second because (as my mother put it sometime ago) she couldn't get the love from my brother. So she wanted to "try again" or something like that and that's how I was born.
As for my brother, it's a long story. In a nutshell, when my mom divorced my dad, she married another man (whom she now tells me I have many bad similarities with) and things didn't work out between him and my brother. My grandmother convinced him to go to our father (this was when I was 6-7 and he was ~13 years old). So he did, but a few years ago (4 or 5 I think) he decided to "come back" sort of and my mother couldn't say no. He had to live with my great-grandma for a while though since our flat wasn't big enough. We (me and my mom) shortly after (2 years ago) moved in here to get away from my stepdad who became alcoholic and kind of a "dead-end" person. After my great-grandmother died (last year, in April approx.) my brother lived there for a while but he could only get a job at my grandfather's (the other side or grandparents) and to save money he moved in there.
That's our history. Here's how I see these two people (mom and brother):
My brother's a little irresponsible, can't handle money but he's a level-headed even is not that smart person. I tried to somehow have a good relationship with him despite all the time we lost as kids, but it never seems to be successful. Maybe someday. We never really lived together aside from those 5-6 years I can't recall entirely.
My mom do gives us everything we want (items and the sort) and that's cool, but… as you said, it's not enough. She says that she does this because she wanted to give us everything she couldn't get when she was a kid. Also that it's her "duty" to do so. Overall, she's a nice person, a responsible worker, but ever since she started going to a ... what do you call them.... natural healing therapist? Something like that. So lately, her views has changed and she started to live by what I call "really-good-sounding-sentences" like "To love and to be loved you must become nothing" and the like. It wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she started saying she wants to finally live (because she couldn't with his previous husbands, I give her that). She told me a few times that I don't want her to be happy and that I'm jealous of the people she cares for (friends, boyfriends) and that I'm an adult now (18) so I don't need her that way. She says that all these years, I didn't want her and now it's too late.
And here comes me: I know myself well enough to be aware of my rather bad social skills. Honestly, I'm a quiet person who needs more time alone than others (then again, I'm not sure, but if I wanted company so badly, I'd have surely snapped by now). As a kid, I liked being in my own imaginary world and play alone in my room, even though that time, I played with other kids too in school and all, so I was more or less "normal". Being a teenager (which I still am of course) I wanted more time alone, I just felt like it. I think it's not that uncommon. Which is uncommon is me having a hard time finding friends. Also, I'm stuck with basically the same bunch of people for 8 years now.
So, this is what my mother thinks me not wanting her. I admit, we talked more in the past, she came to me room, I went to hers etc. They were pretty nice. I don't know when it started. It's hard to tell. Sometime ago, these talks sort of disappeared. She started meeting with guys, going out with friends etc. and I was well being alone for a while.
Now, she wants me to apply to some sort of group activity program. Here's the website: http://www.integralintezet.hu/en/
She says that I'm to egoistic and that I need to open up for the world. She tells me all this with such coldness.
I'm not sure how to respond to this. I told her I won't have time until the final exam (july) but she just brushed it off saying "You got time for what you want to have time". Well, thing is, I don't want time for this. I want to get high-school over with and then go to university where I'll finally meet new people.
So this is it I think. The only thing she succeeded with this last thing is that I started to worry again about finding friends not-online.
I'm really starting to call bullshit on a lot of the "Well my parents didn't love me so I can't love my child." shit. My dad only did anything for me because people were "watching". When no one was around to impress anymore (his family) then he stopped trying. There was a lot of different and pretty bad abuse, but that's another topic. He would go to the other side of the world on mission trips and vacations, send my step-brother to Australia, and my mom had to cuss him out and scream at him to get a small piddly amount from him for my braces. And only paid pocket change for child support. From what other people have seen and told me, he is a raging cockface towards my half-brother. His own son.
I just figure he is a crazy asshat, I mean what father takes better care of his adopted kids then his biological children? That's already backwards, but a father that doesn't take care of his children he created or adopted period is a doucheface.
And my mom went through an ordeal with that jackass. She used to yell and scream at me all the time, throw temper tantrums and throw all of my shit around and off my shelves. She's depressed and has her own issues that I've had to come and accept only SHE can fix and work out, and if she DOESN'T then that's her problem. It's her own life that she's ruining, and not mine. She's never been a very loving or emotionally there person. I can't come and tell her my problems. I don't expect her to give me a hug or ever say supportive things. She's provided a lot for me but the kind of emotional love and reassurance I REALLY want is not there. We get along better not living together, but I'm afraid that time may have to come again if I can't get a job soon. If I do, I've got a plan on how to make it work a lot better.
It got really bad for awhile where she basically had to make it known she resented my existance for everything I did, that everything was my fault and I was the source of all of her troubles. Nothing was about my problems or issues or bubbling anxiety problem that was hitting critical mass. It was at this time that I snapped and she went crazy, and my grandparents ripped her a new one over how she was acting. Later I stood up for myself (I was 18, I wasn't going to be yelled at about coming home at 9 PM on a saturday night, especially when I was with friends who were having a bad night) and told her to back off, and we've been mostly fine ever since. But I just have no expectation of emotional closeness, either.
And honestly there's no one I can really talk to about this stuff anymore. My grandma was the only one I could really talk to, and since she died my mom and grandpa are utterly useless in that department. Most of my friends don't understand and can't relate. I'm glad most of them can't relate, but the one's who start to assume a whole bunch of shit that isn't true and think I shouldn't be upset by it can shove off. That's an entirely different topic though XDD
And no don't feel bad for not having many (or any) friends that aren't online. It's not always you. Sure you may find that you have social faux pas that you have to overcome, and yeah when you haven't spent your life especially socialized (I didn't ever, I preferred to be alone growing up and after elementary I really didn't have any close friends that weren't online ever again) you're going to mess up and lose A LOT of friends at first. As long as you learn from it and keep improving, then you're not doing anything that's wrong or bad and it DOESN'T mean you are a bad person or a shitbag. It sucks and it's LONELY AS FUCK, trust me I am there right now, but honestly when you're aware of such things, I think that means you've got the greatest chances for self-growth as a human being. It means you're sensitive and you DO care.
But as I mentioned above (and forgot to elaborate on XDD) is it isn't always you that's messed up or doing wrong. Sometimes you DO get stuck around a bunch of shitty people. Sometimes your school or work doesn't allow you to have time for or cross paths with people that are a better fit for you. Unfortunately I always seem to find folks who live far from me that never have the money and/or time (and me either, though usually for me it was time and not money, now its no money DX) to meet-up :/ Sometimes you get the short end of the stick on that. But of course if you really want to be friends with a particular person, you've got to put forth the effort and meet them halfway (and sometimes a bit more). But if you have to do all the work to be friends with them, and they expect that of you :/ Tell them to shove off. Sometimes you'll find a lot of people like that too :/
I honestly can't say what it's like to have a normal friendship with someone, I haven't had something like that since I was a small child XD But one of my best friends I've got online I've been talking to for 10 years now, and that's why sometimes the idea of "normal" relationships and friendships is overrated. You find friends where you find friends. It's fabulous when you have some that you can see in the flesh, but online friendships are not any less legitimate. And for me personally, I want a ROMANTIC relationship in real-space, I don't want to do that over the internet, but I know many people who have met online and plan to marry or have married their significant other and they're so happy.
Though back to your mom, if that's the real reason she decided to have you, that she might get a child that needs and loves her more then her son did, then she never should've had another child in the first place. It sounds like she really had no desire to actually have you, and you would not be worth shit to her unless you were exactly everything she wanted. And unfortunately way too many people have this attitude about their children. Children are NOT stupid, and not ALL of them are mindless little drones you can brainwash. You can't just raise a child and expect them to have the attitude that you want them to, it doesn't work like that. Kid's know when their parents don't care much about having them around, and only praise then when they do things that make the parent LOOK good, rather then care about the child's actual accomplishments as a human being.
Parents take the statement that children are an extention of themselves to an extreme. Yes, children are your offspring, but they're entirely different human beings and they are their OWN selves, not a miniature you.
In a nutshell, the real reason to have children is because you WANT to have children and you want to love them, raise them, and maybe have the desire to raise up a sane human being who will contribute something good to the world, in one way or another. You DON'T have children because you feel that you need something that is going to love you and adhere to your every whim and make you feel better about yourself. Uh, that's what GETTING A FUCKING DOG is for. If I want unconditional love, I've got my dogs. When I want to GIVE LOVE and LIFE to another human being, THAT is when I'll have a child. Having a child is really an act of selflessness. Sure you shouldn't be a slave to parenthood and still have your own life to live, but there IS some sacrifice in raising a child. Duh, if you have a kid it can't be ALL about you 24/7. I'm not going to have children until I find the person I want to be committed to in the long-haul, and I will love and support the crap out of them. Someone might have to keep me in check so I don't become a smotherer LOL. Just because my parents weren't good to me, doesn't mean /I/ am not going to be a loving parent to my own children. I want to give my kids what I didn't have, and that thing is love and support.
Anyway, TL;DR your mom made a bad choice by having another child for a stupid selfish reason. That's on HER though. You exist, and you are your OWN person. There's a reason you're here, and even if it IS just online there's loads of people here you think you are awesome. You're very intelligent, sweet, and sensitive (in the good way P:). You WILL have a good life in the end, and you're already on the right track with recognizing how your mom has got issues and her reasons and justifications for everything are a bunch of shit.
And you're right, she won't just magically get better and you can't make her. The best thing for her will probably be once you get out of the house, and if you AND your brother cut contact with her one day and she's left alone and lonely, she's probably going to try to get you to pay attention to her and act nice so you'll come back. And hey, if she changes, then it's great. But sometimes people don't change no matter what you do or how much time you give them alone to think about it. When you're self-sufficient, you might find cutting her out is the best thing you can do.
BUUUUT I think for now, having time apart and limiting contact is a good course of action. Both of you need time to just chill out and relax. My mom and I do much better not in the same space, and we tend to get along soooo much better then we ever would before. I WANT to have a good relationship with my mother, but at the same time I'm not going to allow her wallowing in her own BS to bring me down any longer. You recognize your mother is messed up, it's just time to start building up your own wall and not allowing HER issues and hang-ups to become your own. You're smart and you recogize the things that you want (emotional closeness, relability, someone that's there for you when you need support) that your mother can't give you because shes hung up on her own shit. You won't become her, you're already a lot more insightful then she is.
Now, she wants me to apply to some sort of group activity program. Here's the website: http://www.integralintezet.hu/en/
She says that I'm to egoistic and that I need to open up for the world. She tells me all this with such coldness.
I'm not sure how to respond to this. I told her I won't have time until the final exam (july) but she just brushed it off saying "You got time for what you want to have time". Well, thing is, I don't want time for this. I want to get high-school over with and then go to university where I'll finally meet new people.
Nolus, did your mom's sliding off into such coldness by any chance start about two or three years ago? I ask because that's evidently when this "Integral Institute" took off, and that site looks EXTREMELY dodgy. The About Us page has this really robotic rattling off of trite nothings.
It is a community, where, like me, everyone can give their own unique and unparalleled gift, which he or she received from God. It is a place where you can discover what you have come into this life for, what gift you are here to give; a place where you can give this gift. I am here to support you, to encourage you and to be happy for you, for life, for God’s great gifts.
So basically it's the same meaningless sentence over and over again. It's New Age word salad garbage.
They also mention "kinesiology, macrobiotics and astrosophy," all of which are bogus. Astrosophy in particular looks positively cultish.
In fact, the whole spiel about "Integral Theory" is that they've combined
psychology, science, anthropology, mysticism, sociology, spirituality, religion, politics, medical science, and biology – into a single system.
which is BOUND to be bullshit. Yeah, thanks for solving the universe for everybody, guys, I'm sure scientists will embrace your wonderful INTEGRAL THEORY after they've stopped fussing about with their actual hard work and painstaking research.
Oh look, this ever-changing thread has turned towards "wonky/twisted parenting." I can't think of a more relevant show than this:
!
Ahhhh Morel Orel. I felt so wrong laughing at it…
Nolus, did your mom's sliding off into such coldness by any chance start about two or three years ago? I ask because that's evidently when this "Integral Institute" took off, and that site looks EXTREMELY dodgy. The About Us page has this really robotic rattling off of trite nothings.
So basically it's the same meaningless sentence over and over again. It's New Age word salad garbage.
They also mention "kinesiology, macrobiotics and astrosophy," all of which are bogus. Astrosophy in particular looks positively cultish.
In fact, the whole spiel about "Integral Theory" is that they've combined
which is BOUND to be bullshit. Yeah, thanks for solving the universe for everybody, guys, I'm sure scientists will embrace your wonderful INTEGRAL THEORY after they've stopped fussing about with their actual hard work and painstaking research.
She only found this thing yesterday I think. She said someone recommended it to her. It does sound bad for me as I don't believe in God, I believe in something else.
Well, it all had to start two years ago. I think it's when she has been seeing that guy for some time. He had a great influence on her, that I can tell. I'm not sure what he is, sort of a… I have no idea, he cures people with everything but medicine.
Interestingly enough, the guy's teacher was the one I was seeing for some months. He told me that I had to wear make-up and that I have to go to discos and the sort to have friends. Because I'm a girl and thus, I have to.
So yeah, it was definitely that what changed her. Which is good for everyone but me I guess.
Back to the cult thingy, it's good that she looked into it (she probably haven't) because this sounds exactly what she was against when she found out one of my classmates tried to go to one of those (it was purely religious though).
Which brings me to another thing that hurt me. When she (the girl in my class) was so desperate as to cry out her problems on one of her English courses to the teacher, my mom suddenly became eager to help her. She's friends with both the teacher and both the mom of the girl so they're not strangers to one another. After the teacher told my mom about all that, she wanted the girl to come over to us for a few days and also wanted me to share a bed with her and talk to her and listen. Luckily, she was the one who talked with the girl.
It still hurts me though. How she jumped when that other girl cried and how she said I ruined her happiness when I called her crying.
…
It's really calming to see there're people like me out there, even if it just makes the world a little sadder that these things aren't that uncommon. Thanks for sharing all this!
One last thing: my mother's now really angry with me because she thinks I dropped her in favor of his friend (who lives on the other side of the country) who helped me a lot lately. She's so far the only person I've met in real life who doesn't mind me being so quiet (I'm not leaving out you guys, it's different on the internet~). She says it's not a bad quality.
So now, my mom makes passive-aggressive remarks on how I betrayed her etc.
Needless to say, this makes me feel worse.
And one really last thing: I'm afraid I won't go to England this year because my mother won't take me as I'd "ruin it like I did with Switzerland".
. 
