Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD

[Noqanky]

@No:

Is it weird that alot of people on this forum seem to have some sort of condition ?

From what I have come to learn from psychology and educational psychology, many artists, writers, and overall fascinating individuals in history would have been diagnosed with mental disorders.

So no, I don't find it weird at all.

! There's also the argument that a lot of these conditions are sometimes diagnosed for ulterior motives, like prescribing drugs whose companies will pay you a nice bonus if you support their product. Or simply because researchers find it easier to stick to a checklist of conditions to diagnose a disorder instead of admitting to themselves that every mind/brain will work in unique ways that deviate from the "normal". But I'd rather not consider these as reasons because it's a huge can of worms, considering that in many cases a diagnosis is actually helpful and thanks to it we can give someone the correct opportunities and support in education or employment
! Also, to echo iget's post, autism is still a mystery in many ways and I can't say I'm not entirely sure how diagnosis of it works nor how accurate it can be. I'd frankly hate to be a therapist or clinician of any sort because making these judgment calls is something highly complicated and with delicate results

[Monkey King]

@igetownd:

Congrats Zephos.

BTW, do you have Asperger's Syndrome too?

Anyway, I've recently started to really consider what it means to have Asperger's Syndrome.

I'm pretty sure I'm the complete opposite of Aspergers lol.

Instead of being concrete thinking and inexpressive I'm abstract thinking to a fault and a little over expressive.

If Aspergers people are like bauhaus art I'm a damned Pollock painting.
I despise overly planned things and revel in improvisation.
My problems with school were precisely because of this sort of mind. School is structure. I have not that.

But I guess like Aspergers people this leads to some similar problems fitting into the general social order, just from the other side.
I'm sure this all sounds a lot sexier and more fun than Aspergers but a sense of social isolation is neither sexy nor fun no matter the reason for ending up there. But that too is under control these days. You find when you're a standout person you either sink to the very bottom or rise to the very top. I'm denied the comfortable mild middle I've wanted for all my life, so I guess I'll just have to be exceptional in the best sense.

EDIT: For reference one of my very oldest and best friends has aspergers (funny that it only became noticable once puberty came around) so I'm actually extremely well aquainted with it. We're very very different thinkers he and I, but we get along lol. Maybe we counterbalance eachother.

[Robby]

@No:

Is it weird that alot of people on this forum seem to have some sort of condition ?

We're all broken — every single one of us — and yet we pretend that we're not.

[ChesCa]

I have a weird relationship with Asperger's as I'm just enough to actually be on the spectrum and I end up on this kind of muddy middle as a result. Some AS people I've seen have had it much worse than me and as a result don't give a shit that they're alone because they're naturally hard wired to entertain themselves with their fascination. Well, they do get lonely sometimes but they still find normal people so strange that at the same time they're glad they don't need to socialize too often.

In my case, I fit in enough to know what I am/was missing out on socially yet felt forever unable to totally fit in. Even now I have to worry about my actions because I've been burned too many times in the past because I didn't have a clue (I'm so lucky and happy to have a GF right now who actually understands that I need some guidance in expressing romantic interests like you wouldn't fuckin' believe) and yet I'm so high up on the autism spectrum that I can't retreat into my own world at will for long without feeling the need to get out. Other Asperger's get super obsessed and analytical and smart and get into stuff like trains or machines or medicine. Me? I have god damned stories. I get to have the privilege of putting non-material concepts into some sort of order, and that requires just a lot of vegetating in front of the television. No, I'm not kidding, I hate learning stuff like story structure and screenwriting from books and I've had a much easier time learning the good and bad of everything from absorbing a lot of television shows, movies, plays and video games, and yet because there was nothing concrete it's such a slow process that I feel in the end I'm Asperger's enough to be socially inept and looked down upon for not fitting in but not enough to be a genius in something that matters outside of one thing that's not popular to begin with.

The worst part? During the phase where I gave into my Asperger's I was pretty happy but was almost socially dead because I isolated myself so much, but when I started going the opposite direction I all of a sudden started blaming myself for being so stupid and part of it was because I was too prideful to use it as an excuse. Add to this childhood trauma and depression and all of a sudden I was responsible for all the bad shit and maladjustments in my life. Only recently I gave myself some slack that I'm partially impaired socially and will never really fit in, but then that just creates another problem: Either I'm doomed to have a hard time because I was mentally pre-destined to, or there's no excuse for where I am right now aside from my own failings.

I mean what the FUCK!?

EDIT: You know what, I'll give myself this:

Dear Normal People Who Have Given Me Shit,

Oh, I'm sorry, girls don't like me because I'm not assertive or that I'm shy and therefore never going to get anywhere and that somehow makes me a coward and pathetic. Well, my current gf likes me because I'm not some arrogant ass and I'd like to see any of you do any fucking better in my shoes. Nobody's god damned perfect!

[No Maam]

I just find it oddly recurring, that's all.

Anyways, once again I am left to ponder why the hell I even want my mother to stay around anyway. Just got left with fingernail cuts on my right arms and a pot thrown at me.

Still better then when she threw that chair, but still, the only thing she even knows how to do anymore is come up, make demands and then when they aren't met she comes up, starts waving her fist around my face, eyes popping out and jaw shifted forwards and starts harassing me. She just spit on me again while I was writing this, then told me to leave this apartment and never come back again, all the while saying how she's gonna have someone come and break my arms. And how she was gonna kill me with a knife.

…...Yeah, why exactly did I ever want her to stay again ?

[MDL]

damn, that sucks. i hope she leaves you alone soon.

notices the aspergers talk and reads it
hmm, it's interesting to read about other people's experiences with it.

i was easily bullied in primary school and didn't have a single friend. i was known as the "weirdo".
the kids didn't want to play with me and the teachers didn't understand me.
i was once HELD BACK one fucking year because my teacher claimed i was "a naughty child" that she was going to "break". Yeah.
she was a total bitch and she set the tone for the rest of my time at the school.
she was always yelling at me, belittling me, humiliating me in front of the students.

one day i accidentally collided with a girl on a classroom corner, sending us both crashing to the ground.
i profusely apologised and helped her up, and she seemed fine about it.
but suddenly the teacher raced up, grabbed me by the collar, and sent me to the naughty chair…
when we were planting flowers, one of my classmates knocked my bag of soil over. guess who had to pick it up?
when it grew my flower was bright orange, weak-looking like a daisy but it was still pretty.
"how pathetic, you can't even plant flowers right! look at this puny thing, did you even try?! look class! this is what you DON'T do!"

i'd simply had enough. she was making my school life hell.
i noticed that the door to the school was open (it's usually locked during school hours) and i just bolted through it and ran home.
it was the first and only time i've ever ditched school, she was really that bad.
of course, my timing sucked and my mum caught me at the bottom of our street.
she marched me back to school without understanding my tearful protests.

you know what the soul crushing thing about it was?
i was in tears, accompanied by my mum, in front of everyone, and did the teacher ask me what was wrong or why i'd run away so desperately?
nope. she just yelled at me some more, BANNED me from playing with the class toys, and put a huge angry smiley next to my name in the report book.

that also reminds me of another incident, during an assembly.
there was a special assembly going on, and the performers on the stage chose me out of the audience to get up and join them.
me being socially awkward, i was quick to decline. i was shying away and trying to tell them no.
the next thing i knew, one of the teachers yelled at me and sent me to his classroom.
he stood me up in front of his entire class when they came back from assembly. he said "THIS BOY IS A DISGRACE TO OUR SCHOOL"

for the record, experiences like this are why for a long period of time i wanted to say "go to fucking hell" to anyone claiming school was fun.

i suppose i did eventually make a few friends here and there at the school, but i also lost a few of them due to my behavioural tendencies.
i lost one of them by grabbing his head and slamming it into the wall... he was only teasing me but for some reason i snapped.
others i lost because i did weird things like pick my nose and eat it, or try and talk to earthworms. they started ditching me for the cool people.

because of my social barriers i also have attachment issues, something that used to be apparant when i was buzzing around forums.
ever since my wake up call last year, i've been taking it slower and focusing on the content more than the people, putting things into perspective.
it was regrettable that i lost of a couple of e-friends last year due to my attachment, but i guess the harshest lessons are the more effective ones.

my social issues are part of the reason i've been sat on my ass getting dole for 2 years without so much as even searching for employment.
hopefully i'll be getting some support soon, and we can find a way to get a person like me into a job.

anyways, i made it. as a big middle finger to all my hardships in school, i've come out on top.
i made some true friends, and that's a wonderful feeling. i could entrust these glorious bastards with my life.
as a testament to our bonds, one of my friends had a daughter recently and chose me as the godfather without any hesitation.
i felt like bursting into tears, because that one moment symbolised a payoff for all the crap i've ever been put through.

[Kylor]

Well, since everyone's talking about their condition, might as well say a fine things about mine.

Yeah, I'm Asperger's too. Well, it's very, very mild in my case, but I still have it. More prevalent in my case is Nonverbal Learning Disorder, which I don't really have time to explain right now, but look it up.

For me, I could always tell that I was the odd one in any given social situation, though I wasn't always sure why. It didn't help that my parents knew about it for a long time, much longer than me, but tried to keep it from me for most of my life, all the while treating me like I was some sort of freak who couldn't handle myself. As a child, I often felt detached from the rest of the world, but I was strangely fine with this. At times I cursed my loneliness, and sometimes I wished there was a way I could better understand why I was so freakish, but that's slowly gotten much better over the past five years or so. In a sense, I rather like that I see the world a bit differently than most, but for the most part, I don't really like talking about that part of myself. It may be a core part of who I am, and I never want to change that, but at the same time, I don't want my condition to be what defines me.

[Mr M]

I'm Asperger's aswell . I was tested on it and got positive and got an IQ test of 66 I believe , luckily for me my parents really put some effort into me and I can now have a normal life with some minor issues , something I still feel guilty about towards them.

[No Maam]

@metteminne:

I'm Asperger's aswell . I was tested on it and got positive and got an IQ test of 66 I believe , luckily for me my parents really put some effort into me and I can now have a normal life with some minor issues , something I still feel guilty about towards them.

And did you go through any IQ test since ?

[Mr M]

@No:

And did you go through any IQ test since ?

Later I got an IQ of 110 I believe

[Kitsune Inferno]

@No:

Is it weird that alot of people on this forum seem to have some sort of condition ?

You have to be pretty fucked up to be a part of the Water Park. Fine print in that contract we all signed, ya know. All the normal people can't handle it.

[Nia]

@Kitsune:

All the normal people can't handle it.

Nonsense. I am normal, for example!

[igetownd]

@MDL:

damn, that sucks. i hope she leaves you alone soon.

notices the aspergers talk and reads it
hmm, it's interesting to read about other people's experiences with it.

lengthy account of personal experience
[hide]
i was easily bullied in primary school and didn't have a single friend. i was known as the "weirdo".
the kids didn't want to play with me and the teachers didn't understand me.
i was once HELD BACK one fucking year because my teacher claimed i was "a naughty child" that she was going to "break". Yeah.
she was a total bitch and she set the tone for the rest of my time at the school.
she was always yelling at me, belittling me, humiliating me in front of the students.

one day i accidentally collided with a girl on a classroom corner, sending us both crashing to the ground.
i profusely apologised and helped her up, and she seemed fine about it.
but suddenly the teacher raced up, grabbed me by the collar, and sent me to the naughty chair…
when we were planting flowers, one of my classmates knocked my bag of soil over. guess who had to pick it up?
when it grew my flower was bright orange, weak-looking like a daisy but it was still pretty.
"how pathetic, you can't even plant flowers right! look at this puny thing, did you even try?! look class! this is what you DON'T do!"

i'd simply had enough. she was making my school life hell.
i noticed that the door to the school was open (it's usually locked during school hours) and i just bolted through it and ran home.
it was the first and only time i've ever ditched school, she was really that bad.
of course, my timing sucked and my mum caught me at the bottom of our street.
she marched me back to school without understanding my tearful protests.

you know what the soul crushing thing about it was?
i was in tears, accompanied by my mum, in front of everyone, and did the teacher ask me what was wrong or why i'd run away so desperately?
nope. she just yelled at me some more, BANNED me from playing with the class toys, and put a huge angry smiley next to my name in the report book.

that also reminds me of another incident, during an assembly.
there was a special assembly going on, and the performers on the stage chose me out of the audience to get up and join them.
me being socially awkward, i was quick to decline. i was shying away and trying to tell them no.
the next thing i knew, one of the teachers yelled at me and sent me to his classroom.
he stood me up in front of his entire class when they came back from assembly. he said "THIS BOY IS A DISGRACE TO OUR SCHOOL"

for the record, experiences like this are why for a long period of time i wanted to say "go to fucking hell" to anyone claiming school was fun.

i suppose i did eventually make a few friends here and there at the school, but i also lost a few of them due to my behavioural tendencies.
i lost one of them by grabbing his head and slamming it into the wall... he was only teasing me but for some reason i snapped.
others i lost because i did weird things like pick my nose and eat it, or try and talk to earthworms. they started ditching me for the cool people.

because of my social barriers i also have attachment issues, something that used to be apparant when i was buzzing around forums.
ever since my wake up call last year, i've been taking it slower and focusing on the content more than the people, putting things into perspective.
it was regrettable that i lost of a couple of e-friends last year due to my attachment, but i guess the harshest lessons are the more effective ones.

my social issues are part of the reason i've been sat on my ass getting dole for 2 years without so much as even searching for employment.
hopefully i'll be getting some support soon, and we can find a way to get a person like me into a job.

anyways, i made it. as a big middle finger to all my hardships in school, i've come out on top.
i made some true friends, and that's a wonderful feeling. i could entrust these glorious bastards with my life.
as a testament to our bonds, one of my friends had a daughter recently and chose me as the godfather without any hesitation.
i felt like bursting into tears, because that one moment symbolised a payoff for all the crap i've ever been put through.[/hide]

I've had my share of idiotic grade school teachers too. However, I wasn't chastised as much because I've gotten good grades on written tests and homework. I was pressured to get good grades, but as hard as that sounds, it seems getting bad grades is worse. Anyway, somehow I ended up on the good side of teachers, and ended up being seen as a teacher's pet. Bullying from the "cool" kids was another story, and I spent most of my recess times away from other students. I guess openly practicing Kung Fu on the playground and having a quick temper deterred bullying for most cases. There were plenty of other misfits that were easier targets.
I guess a tip for parents of kids with AS would be to emphasize high grades and to enroll your child into martial arts classes. They might suffer less.

I didn't really have major problems in school until Freshman year of college, when I was overcome by basic prioritization and organization inadequacies. I still currently struggle in time management and task scheduling.

[No Maam]

@Nia:

Nonsense. I am normal, for example!

Then how would you react if I said Hattori was lame and useless ?

[Monkey King]

@Cuddles:

EDIT: You know what, I'll give myself this:

Dear Normal People Who Have Given Me Shit,

Oh, I'm sorry, girls don't like me because I'm not assertive or that I'm shy and therefore never going to get anywhere and that somehow makes me a coward and pathetic. Well, my current gf likes me because I'm not some arrogant ass and I'd like to see any of you do any fucking better in my shoes. Nobody's god damned perfect!

You have anger issues, how about that.

[Chrissie]

@Kitsune:

You have to be pretty fucked up to be a part of the Water Park. Fine print in that contract we all signed, ya know. All the normal people can't handle it.

…crawls under a rock, feeling abnormal like hell

[bartholemew kuma]

@Kitsune:

You have to be pretty fucked up to be a part of the Water Park. Fine print in that contract we all signed, ya know. All the normal people can't handle it.

Somewhere deep down, i've always know that this is true.
Freaks United Mutha Fuuuukher.
Now i'm off for some pie.

[Kitsune Inferno]

@Chrissie:

…crawls under a rock, feeling abnormal like hell

You're the textbook definition of abnormal.

Sorry.

!

[Hiroy]

I don't really care whether or not I have mental problems, and certainly knowing would not encourage me to feel more or less assured. I've proven to myself countless of times that I can push aside any obstacle life throws at me, and pretty much cut off people that were dragging me down into their own endless contagious depression or self-loathing.

At my last job, I found myself talking with people around my age openly without much problems. Maybe because I hated the job and I thought I had nothing to lose from talking to pretty much anyone. Before all that, I believed myself to be socially awkward, shy and quiet. Now I just think that's just something I made for myself to happen, rather than thinking that's life not giving me a fair chance. Despite what I went through at that job, it did become a revelation of sorts. I still apologize for being too quiet, but that's a force of habbit more than anything.

Also, Zephos. Yeah, that's a great feeling to have. I remember one year of college in where I was going exceptionally well. Even in the math class I hated so much. I was up and about asking questions, recruiting people for a study group since I felt confident enough in the subject to team up with people smarter than me(I could not team myself with people that were really struggling, but I helped them when they asked), and also sitting back and taking breaks without worry or consequence. At that point, I felt like I had full control. Then somewhere along the lines I lost control and got sick of college. I'll certainly go back, but whenever I feel as if I have a good reason for doing so.
Why get a degree that would not promise me a job?
Why go to school for graphics when I can learn all of this at home?
The education system in America has really clouded reality for me.

[Chrissie]

@Kitsune:

You're the textbook definition of abnormal.

Sorry.

! http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_tOW4edYG1z4/TIH7VFEeRAI/AAAAAAAAAEo/QPosnEWPVJ4/s1600/OatmealCookies3.JPG

It's not enough that you made me feel like this, you also want me to get FAT?! ;A;

[Monkey King]

Oatmeal cookies are gross.

[Kitsune Inferno]

@Chrissie:

It's not enough that you made me feel like this, you also want me to get FAT?! ;A;

More lovin' for the oven.

I think you're misunderstanding me… yeah, that... :ninja:

[No Maam]

@Chrissie:

It's not enough that you made me feel like this, you also want me to get FAT?! ;A;

I for one make no discrimination ;)

–- Update From New Post Merge ---

@Kitsune:

More lovin' for the oven.

Exactly my fur-coated friend.

[Insider2000]

I'm sorry, but I just need to vent for a moment.

[hide]As I've often said, I'm really close to my family. I have both my parents and three older sisters, making me the youngest child and only boy in the sibling pool. My two oldest sisters are currently married. The oldest currently has two children. She's probably the one I've had the least strongest relationship with, but that was because she was already dating and getting a job by the time I could actually speak intelligently as a child.

The other two sisters are the ones I've always been closest to. The two used to be a bit of a dynamic duo. The oldest of the two being the wacky goofball who always aimed to have fun and make jokes at everything, while the youngest was the one with the brains and the plans. I generally tagged along when I got older. Hell, those two are the reasons I have the name 'Insider'. As we've all gotten older, we all live close to each other (about 15-30 minutes distance), and still have a close relationship.

As of now, I live with my youngest older sister, and I'm going to college. We take care of each other, as well as my parents. She's generally at work, while I'm in class, but we still manage to have some fun in-between. But the third of our little crew is currently married and living with her husband in another house. We still got along fine and we'll always watch out for each other, but…lately a lot of things have changed.

My second oldest sister (Sue) had her first child almost three years ago (three years in July). The little girl is a wild little monster, and I love the kid to death. She has a very snarky and crude attitude, but man, the kid is fun to play with. Well, this past December, Sue revealed that she was pregnant with her second child.

We're about halfway through the pregnancy now. Knowing Sue's experience with her past pregnancy, we knew that is was going to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She tends to be afraid of about....every decision. More than anything, she afraid of either child getting hurt, and honestly, I completely understand that. However...she has a severe issue.

Every week, someone in the family gets a call from her. Frequent times, I'm that person who gets the call. The call would be about how she read on the Internet that '____ will happen/there's a _____ chance that a baby could get _____ because of _____/you shouldn't let your child ______ because ____. Basically, she tends to read too much into what people say on the Internet, and she lets these things get to her. She begins to panic, and she calls one of us to gain reassurance. We'll attempt to reassure her, but if anything, we just manage to get her mind off of it.

But today, we were faced with a pretty bad issue. Sue, still pregnant, has somewhat of an infection going on. The doctor has made light of the infection and hasn't mentioned anything fatal for either her or the baby. However, he has recommended that she take a certain drug to clean the infection. My sister, bless her heart, decides to do research on the drug on the Internet.

And of course, she finds endless people blaming the drug for everything. There are people saying the drug gave their child cancer, people saying it caused autism, people saying it turns their child into a giraffe. I don't know. But the thing is, we all know how the Internet is. Nine times out of ten, these aren't legitimate sources. These people could be blaming the pill for everything, but meanwhile, they were smoking weed during the pregnancy. Or other cases (namely autism), it wasn't the pill's fault but as we know, sometimes autism happens. Either way, we live with it. Not everything has to be the fault of some random thing that occurred during the pregnancy. Hell, my youngest older sister is an example of that (I'd rather not disclose what happened to her, though it is not severe), but she's managed amazingly for herself.

Life happens. It sucks, and there's nothing we can do about. We can blame someone or something, but there's no point in doing so, as it will not repair the damage.

So we get a call from my sister, and she's having an emotional breakdown. She's telling us that she's going to have a miscarriage if she takes the pill. Now take note: The doctor told her to take the pill without any form of caution. She didn't ask, she just took the pill with her and now she's questioning the Internet on whether she should take it or not.

Our suggestion: "ASK THE DOCTOR!"

"But what if the doctor is wrong?"
"The doctor had to have some education in this. We can give him a little more credit than that."
"But what if the doctor is lying?"
"Why would the doctor lie?"
"So I can just shut up and take the pill."
"A doctor's not going to do that, especially one that has helped you through a pregnancy before!"
"But what if I take the pill and something does happen?"
"Then...we live on and accept whatever happens."
"What if the child dies!"
"Then we'll all mourn, and live on. It will be painful and sad, but still, that's saying that there's anything wrong with the pill, let alone, saying anything else will go wrong with the pregnancy."
"I CAN'T HANDLE THAT! WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS HELPING ME!?!"

And you know what...I understand that she's going through a pregnancy. I'm not going to give her a hard time for that. I'm never going to be pregnant, so I probably will never understand what it means to be taking care of a life within my body. But...this isn't my issue with her. Even if she weren't pregnant, she'd be having this issue. She'd call us because she read on the Internet that french fries cause cancer. She'd call me because she'd think I was on LSD, when I've never taken so much as a cigarette in my life. She'd call all of us because she had a dream that the zombie apocalypse happened and she wants to make sure that it never will happen in real life (...and that stairs are the one weakness of zombies).

It's this game of 'What if...'. She reads something. She thinks of something. And then she stresses horribly over it. And the thing is: we don't know what she wants anymore. We give her assurance, and then she gets angry at us because we don't understand. We tell her to stay off the Internet, but she tells us that there has to be some truth to it. We tell her to talk to our mother (who is a fucking nurse of all things, with over 30 years of experience), and she gets angry because my mother has very little patience for her screaming. And you know what......I'm losing that patience.

I have my own issues. I have my own issues that I know, if I confessed them to her, she'd have an emotional meltdown. And I'm just...tired.

This past December, I had a plan to make a confession once the new year started. I think you can all guess what the confession is, knowing me. I had already made that confession to my mother (who has still had some emotion conflict about it) and my youngest older sister (who has been cool about it but hasn't really talked much about it). And I know, if I told her, she would breakdown far worse than anyone else. And I don't know what to do. I had to cancel any chance of confessing until after the pregnancy, because I know if I told her, she'd have such an emotional freak out, she'd probably miscarry at the immediate moment right in front of me.

And I'm so caught up in my own stress and fears, I can't take it anymore. After the call with her today, I just wanted to scream, "SHIT HAPPENS! GET OVER IT! GET OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET, AND GROW THE FUCK UP! Realize that life is difficult and scary, and understand that spending every single day dreading what COULD happen is the one and only way to make sure your life is as miserable as possible!" That's what my mother pretty much does, and all she does is call her a bitch.

And I don't know what to do. She's angry at us right now because we lost our patience with today's discussion, but she hasn't been like this all her life. I know she's scared because she's now taking care of a 2.5 year old child and a future newborn. And you know what, I accept that I don't know what that's like yet. But....this can't be normal. This can't be healthy. She can't do this to herself, and trying to cheer her up does nothing!

And my biggest problem.....am I a horrible person for feeling this way? Am I just being horrible to her? Cause the thing is, she tells me everyday that she's the nicest person to me, and deep inside, I roll my eyes, because I know if I made my confession to her, she'd hate me forever, regardless of anything she's ever said. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her, because I'm so tired of it. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. Thanks.[/hide]

[Kitsune Inferno]

@Insider2000:

And my biggest problem…..am I a horrible person for feeling this way? Am I just being horrible to her?

Not at all! You see, patience isn't an unlimited resource and it's perfectly natural to feel that way, especially if one squeezes you dry like that.

I'm not exactly known for my patience, so I know what it's like to have it sapped dry. When it is, I lash out. A couple members here have seen it too. And afterwards, I feel like the worst person on the planet, but really, can I be faulted? Can you be faulted that your sister is so paranoid?

And you aren't horrible to her. The fact that it bothers you so much is proof enough that you sincerely care about her. If you didn't, you'd leave her to her devices. So if you DO lose your patience with her, it's largely out of love, if that makes sense. :)

[lelandlancaster]

@Insider2000:

I'm sorry, but I just need to vent for a moment.

[hide]As I've often said, I'm really close to my family. I have both my parents and three older sisters, making me the youngest child and only boy in the sibling pool. My two oldest sisters are currently married. The oldest currently has two children. She's probably the one I've had the least strongest relationship with, but that was because she was already dating and getting a job by the time I could actually speak intelligently as a child.

The other two sisters are the ones I've always been closest to. The two used to be a bit of a dynamic duo. The oldest of the two being the wacky goofball who always aimed to have fun and make jokes at everything, while the youngest was the one with the brains and the plans. I generally tagged along when I got older. Hell, those two are the reasons I have the name 'Insider'. As we've all gotten older, we all live close to each other (about 15-30 minutes distance), and still have a close relationship.

As of now, I live with my youngest older sister, and I'm going to college. We take care of each other, as well as my parents. She's generally at work, while I'm in class, but we still manage to have some fun in-between. But the third of our little crew is currently married and living with her husband in another house. We still got along fine and we'll always watch out for each other, but…lately a lot of things have changed.

My second oldest sister (Sue) had her first child almost three years ago (three years in July). The little girl is a wild little monster, and I love the kid to death. She has a very snarky and crude attitude, but man, the kid is fun to play with. Well, this past December, Sue revealed that she was pregnant with her second child.

We're about halfway through the pregnancy now. Knowing Sue's experience with her past pregnancy, we knew that is was going to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She tends to be afraid of about....every decision. More than anything, she afraid of either child getting hurt, and honestly, I completely understand that. However...she has a severe issue.

Every week, someone in the family gets a call from her. Frequent times, I'm that person who gets the call. The call would be about how she read on the Internet that '____ will happen/there's a _____ chance that a baby could get _____ because of _____/you shouldn't let your child ______ because ____. Basically, she tends to read too much into what people say on the Internet, and she lets these things get to her. She begins to panic, and she calls one of us to gain reassurance. We'll attempt to reassure her, but if anything, we just manage to get her mind off of it.

But today, we were faced with a pretty bad issue. Sue, still pregnant, has somewhat of an infection going on. The doctor has made light of the infection and hasn't mentioned anything fatal for either her or the baby. However, he has recommended that she take a certain drug to clean the infection. My sister, bless her heart, decides to do research on the drug on the Internet.

And of course, she finds endless people blaming the drug for everything. There are people saying the drug gave their child cancer, people saying it caused autism, people saying it turns their child into a giraffe. I don't know. But the thing is, we all know how the Internet is. Nine times out of ten, these aren't legitimate sources. These people could be blaming the pill for everything, but meanwhile, they were smoking weed during the pregnancy. Or other cases (namely autism), it wasn't the pill's fault but as we know, sometimes autism happens. Either way, we live with it. Not everything has to be the fault of some random thing that occurred during the pregnancy. Hell, my youngest older sister is an example of that (I'd rather not disclose what happened to her, though it is not severe), but she's managed amazingly for herself.

Life happens. It sucks, and there's nothing we can do about. We can blame someone or something, but there's no point in doing so, as it will not repair the damage.

So we get a call from my sister, and she's having an emotional breakdown. She's telling us that she's going to have a miscarriage if she takes the pill. Now take note: The doctor told her to take the pill without any form of caution. She didn't ask, she just took the pill with her and now she's questioning the Internet on whether she should take it or not.

Our suggestion: "ASK THE DOCTOR!"

"But what if the doctor is wrong?"
"The doctor had to have some education in this. We can give him a little more credit than that."
"But what if the doctor is lying?"
"Why would the doctor lie?"
"So I can just shut up and take the pill."
"A doctor's not going to do that, especially one that has helped you through a pregnancy before!"
"But what if I take the pill and something does happen?"
"Then...we live on and accept whatever happens."
"What if the child dies!"
"Then we'll all mourn, and live on. It will be painful and sad, but still, that's saying that there's anything wrong with the pill, let alone, saying anything else will go wrong with the pregnancy."
"I CAN'T HANDLE THAT! WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS HELPING ME!?!"

And you know what...I understand that she's going through a pregnancy. I'm not going to give her a hard time for that. I'm never going to be pregnant, so I probably will never understand what it means to be taking care of a life within my body. But...this isn't my issue with her. Even if she weren't pregnant, she'd be having this issue. She'd call us because she read on the Internet that french fries cause cancer. She'd call me because she'd think I was on LSD, when I've never taken so much as a cigarette in my life. She'd call all of us because she had a dream that the zombie apocalypse happened and she wants to make sure that it never will happen in real life (...and that stairs are the one weakness of zombies).

It's this game of 'What if...'. She reads something. She thinks of something. And then she stresses horribly over it. And the thing is: we don't know what she wants anymore. We give her assurance, and then she gets angry at us because we don't understand. We tell her to stay off the Internet, but she tells us that there has to be some truth to it. We tell her to talk to our mother (who is a fucking nurse of all things, with over 30 years of experience), and she gets angry because my mother has very little patience for her screaming. And you know what......I'm losing that patience.

I have my own issues. I have my own issues that I know, if I confessed them to her, she'd have an emotional meltdown. And I'm just...tired.

This past December, I had a plan to make a confession once the new year started. I think you can all guess what the confession is, knowing me. I had already made that confession to my mother (who has still had some emotion conflict about it) and my youngest older sister (who has been cool about it but hasn't really talked much about it). And I know, if I told her, she would breakdown far worse than anyone else. And I don't know what to do. I had to cancel any chance of confessing until after the pregnancy, because I know if I told her, she'd have such an emotional freak out, she'd probably miscarry at the immediate moment right in front of me.

And I'm so caught up in my own stress and fears, I can't take it anymore. After the call with her today, I just wanted to scream, "SHIT HAPPENS! GET OVER IT! GET OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET, AND GROW THE FUCK UP! Realize that life is difficult and scary, and understand that spending every single day dreading what COULD happen is the one and only way to make sure your life is as miserable as possible!" That's what my mother pretty much does, and all she does is call her a bitch.

And I don't know what to do. She's angry at us right now because we lost our patience with today's discussion, but she hasn't been like this all her life. I know she's scared because she's now taking care of a 2.5 year old child and a future newborn. And you know what, I accept that I don't know what that's like yet. But....this can't be normal. This can't be healthy. She can't do this to herself, and trying to cheer her up does nothing!

And my biggest problem.....am I a horrible person for feeling this way? Am I just being horrible to her? Cause the thing is, she tells me everyday that she's the nicest person to me, and deep inside, I roll my eyes, because I know if I made my confession to her, she'd hate me forever, regardless of anything she's ever said. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her, because I'm so tired of it. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. Thanks.[/hide]

You're definitely not a horrible person/sibling. Taking so much time to listen to her and caring and thinking about how she feels shows that you're not. It's incredibly tiring to deal with someone that paranoid and honestly you're dealing with a lot better than I would have. I would have flipped my shit a long time ago, baby be damned.

I think your sister might benefit from talking to a therapist about her paranoia/anxiety though, because that much of it isn't normal or healthy, even though pregnancy can be very nerve-wracking for a lot of people. Maybe after the pregnancy you could talk to your family about talking to her about it?

[Insider2000]

@Kitsune:

Not at all! You see, patience isn't an unlimited resource and it's perfectly natural to feel that way, especially if one squeezes you dry like that.

I'm not exactly known for my patience, so I know what it's like to have it sapped dry. When it is, I lash out. A couple members here have seen it too. And afterwards, I feel like the worst person on the planet, but really, can I be faulted? Can you be faulted that your sister is so paranoid?

And you aren't horrible to her. The fact that it bothers you so much is proof enough that you sincerely care about her. If you didn't, you'd leave her to her devices. So if you DO lose your patience with her, it's largely out of love, if that makes sense. :)

Okay, yeah that's true. XD Such a simple thing to forget about, and I'm such a "love can be a hug or a punch over the head" kind of person. Thanks.

@lelandlancaster:

You're definitely not a horrible person/sibling. Taking so much time to listen to her and caring and thinking about how she feels shows that you're not. It's incredibly tiring to deal with someone that paranoid and honestly you're dealing with a lot better than I would have. I would have flipped my shit a long time ago, baby be damned.

I think your sister might benefit from talking to a therapist about her paranoia/anxiety though, because that much of it isn't normal or healthy, even though pregnancy can be very nerve-wracking for a lot of people. Maybe after the pregnancy you could talk to your family about talking to her about it?

I'm not against the idea, honestly, but I think everyone else would have issues. Right now, I think we have to see this pregnancy through. Cause otherwise, the baby is fine. There has been no complications. At the same time, I worry that these emotional breakdowns could harm the baby.

[Riddler]

@Insider2000:

I'm sorry, but I just need to vent for a moment.

[hide]As I've often said, I'm really close to my family. I have both my parents and three older sisters, making me the youngest child and only boy in the sibling pool. My two oldest sisters are currently married. The oldest currently has two children. She's probably the one I've had the least strongest relationship with, but that was because she was already dating and getting a job by the time I could actually speak intelligently as a child.

The other two sisters are the ones I've always been closest to. The two used to be a bit of a dynamic duo. The oldest of the two being the wacky goofball who always aimed to have fun and make jokes at everything, while the youngest was the one with the brains and the plans. I generally tagged along when I got older. Hell, those two are the reasons I have the name 'Insider'. As we've all gotten older, we all live close to each other (about 15-30 minutes distance), and still have a close relationship.

As of now, I live with my youngest older sister, and I'm going to college. We take care of each other, as well as my parents. She's generally at work, while I'm in class, but we still manage to have some fun in-between. But the third of our little crew is currently married and living with her husband in another house. We still got along fine and we'll always watch out for each other, but…lately a lot of things have changed.

My second oldest sister (Sue) had her first child almost three years ago (three years in July). The little girl is a wild little monster, and I love the kid to death. She has a very snarky and crude attitude, but man, the kid is fun to play with. Well, this past December, Sue revealed that she was pregnant with her second child.

We're about halfway through the pregnancy now. Knowing Sue's experience with her past pregnancy, we knew that is was going to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. She tends to be afraid of about....every decision. More than anything, she afraid of either child getting hurt, and honestly, I completely understand that. However...she has a severe issue.

Every week, someone in the family gets a call from her. Frequent times, I'm that person who gets the call. The call would be about how she read on the Internet that '____ will happen/there's a _____ chance that a baby could get _____ because of _____/you shouldn't let your child ______ because ____. Basically, she tends to read too much into what people say on the Internet, and she lets these things get to her. She begins to panic, and she calls one of us to gain reassurance. We'll attempt to reassure her, but if anything, we just manage to get her mind off of it.

But today, we were faced with a pretty bad issue. Sue, still pregnant, has somewhat of an infection going on. The doctor has made light of the infection and hasn't mentioned anything fatal for either her or the baby. However, he has recommended that she take a certain drug to clean the infection. My sister, bless her heart, decides to do research on the drug on the Internet.

And of course, she finds endless people blaming the drug for everything. There are people saying the drug gave their child cancer, people saying it caused autism, people saying it turns their child into a giraffe. I don't know. But the thing is, we all know how the Internet is. Nine times out of ten, these aren't legitimate sources. These people could be blaming the pill for everything, but meanwhile, they were smoking weed during the pregnancy. Or other cases (namely autism), it wasn't the pill's fault but as we know, sometimes autism happens. Either way, we live with it. Not everything has to be the fault of some random thing that occurred during the pregnancy. Hell, my youngest older sister is an example of that (I'd rather not disclose what happened to her, though it is not severe), but she's managed amazingly for herself.

Life happens. It sucks, and there's nothing we can do about. We can blame someone or something, but there's no point in doing so, as it will not repair the damage.

So we get a call from my sister, and she's having an emotional breakdown. She's telling us that she's going to have a miscarriage if she takes the pill. Now take note: The doctor told her to take the pill without any form of caution. She didn't ask, she just took the pill with her and now she's questioning the Internet on whether she should take it or not.

Our suggestion: "ASK THE DOCTOR!"

"But what if the doctor is wrong?"
"The doctor had to have some education in this. We can give him a little more credit than that."
"But what if the doctor is lying?"
"Why would the doctor lie?"
"So I can just shut up and take the pill."
"A doctor's not going to do that, especially one that has helped you through a pregnancy before!"
"But what if I take the pill and something does happen?"
"Then...we live on and accept whatever happens."
"What if the child dies!"
"Then we'll all mourn, and live on. It will be painful and sad, but still, that's saying that there's anything wrong with the pill, let alone, saying anything else will go wrong with the pregnancy."
"I CAN'T HANDLE THAT! WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS HELPING ME!?!"

And you know what...I understand that she's going through a pregnancy. I'm not going to give her a hard time for that. I'm never going to be pregnant, so I probably will never understand what it means to be taking care of a life within my body. But...this isn't my issue with her. Even if she weren't pregnant, she'd be having this issue. She'd call us because she read on the Internet that french fries cause cancer. She'd call me because she'd think I was on LSD, when I've never taken so much as a cigarette in my life. She'd call all of us because she had a dream that the zombie apocalypse happened and she wants to make sure that it never will happen in real life (...and that stairs are the one weakness of zombies).

It's this game of 'What if...'. She reads something. She thinks of something. And then she stresses horribly over it. And the thing is: we don't know what she wants anymore. We give her assurance, and then she gets angry at us because we don't understand. We tell her to stay off the Internet, but she tells us that there has to be some truth to it. We tell her to talk to our mother (who is a fucking nurse of all things, with over 30 years of experience), and she gets angry because my mother has very little patience for her screaming. And you know what......I'm losing that patience.

I have my own issues. I have my own issues that I know, if I confessed them to her, she'd have an emotional meltdown. And I'm just...tired.

This past December, I had a plan to make a confession once the new year started. I think you can all guess what the confession is, knowing me. I had already made that confession to my mother (who has still had some emotion conflict about it) and my youngest older sister (who has been cool about it but hasn't really talked much about it). And I know, if I told her, she would breakdown far worse than anyone else. And I don't know what to do. I had to cancel any chance of confessing until after the pregnancy, because I know if I told her, she'd have such an emotional freak out, she'd probably miscarry at the immediate moment right in front of me.

And I'm so caught up in my own stress and fears, I can't take it anymore. After the call with her today, I just wanted to scream, "SHIT HAPPENS! GET OVER IT! GET OFF THE FUCKING INTERNET, AND GROW THE FUCK UP! Realize that life is difficult and scary, and understand that spending every single day dreading what COULD happen is the one and only way to make sure your life is as miserable as possible!" That's what my mother pretty much does, and all she does is call her a bitch.

And I don't know what to do. She's angry at us right now because we lost our patience with today's discussion, but she hasn't been like this all her life. I know she's scared because she's now taking care of a 2.5 year old child and a future newborn. And you know what, I accept that I don't know what that's like yet. But....this can't be normal. This can't be healthy. She can't do this to herself, and trying to cheer her up does nothing!

And my biggest problem.....am I a horrible person for feeling this way? Am I just being horrible to her? Cause the thing is, she tells me everyday that she's the nicest person to me, and deep inside, I roll my eyes, because I know if I made my confession to her, she'd hate me forever, regardless of anything she's ever said. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do with her, because I'm so tired of it. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry. Thanks.[/hide]

Hmm, isnt there some middle ground, like where you rationally and diplomatically explain to her that shes being over the top paranoid and even though you love her and want to be always there for her, its simply too much for you to handle all the time and that worrying this much isnt healthy for her either. I mean, she does have to understand that you too have your own problems you have to deal with. Or did you try this before and it didn`t work? It does seem like the best way to handle this without destroying your relationship to her.

And no, youre definately not a horrible person. I mean, you obviously do try your best to be there for your sister, theres really not much more you could do for her. I actually think its kinda sad that you have to bear all your sisters problems when you feel like she would hate you forever if you told her your secret. That doesnt seem very fair to me.

[Insider2000]

@Riddler:

Hmm, isnt there some middle ground, like where you rationally and diplomatically explain to her that shes being over the top paranoid and even though you love her and want to be always there for her, its simply too much for you to handle all the time and that worrying this much isnt healthy for her either. I mean, she does have to understand that you too have your own problems you have to deal with. Or did you try this before and it didn`t work? It does seem like the best way to handle this without destroying your relationship to her.

And no, youre definately not a horrible person. I mean, you obviously do try your best to be there for your sister, theres really not much more you could do for her. I actually think its kinda sad that you have to bear all your sisters problems when you feel like she would hate you forever if you told her your secret. That doesnt seem very fair to me.

Yeah, I've had many conversations with her, but majority of the time, I've been very sympathetic. I've told her several times, "You can't live like this. It's not healthy." And she's said that she understands that, and I know she does, but she doesn't stop. I've told her many times to stay off the Internet, and even during our call today, we told her that those comments were probably bullshit and that she needs to stop reading into that. She basically got mad at us for not understanding her issue.

I'm coming to the conclusion that she no longer believes us, and just calls in hope that we'll respond by crying with her and telling her how hard her life is. I've been sympathetic with her, but I know that sort of mind set would only make her worse.

[I survived the buster call]

@Kitsune:

You have to be pretty fucked up to be a part of the Water Park. Fine print in that contract we all signed, ya know. All the normal people can't handle it.

Ah, thanks for summing it all up. KI–I knew I felt at home here for a reason... <3 AP

@ Insider–No you are not bad for losing your patience. Its human to do so. I have some suggestions, though they are rudimentary ones, which may be of help, if you care to try, but I don't think you are obligated to do so. She is married--seems like her husband ought to be helping her with some of this stuff.

I'm so psychologist, but that sounds like anxiety. I haven't read the rest of the responses but I do deal with anxiety of my own and with my kids. Its not rational, and talking it out can go both ways--if you give her too much attention, you are feeding the anxiety because, simply by doing so, you seem to be agreeing that there is something to worry over, but if you don't listen at all, she'll panic about being "alone" with it. Anxiety is possible to deal with, but it really helps if the person is aware somewhat that they have it (so that they can at least mentally understand they aren't being rational, if not emotionally). It's not impossible to deal with otherwise, but it's definitely easier. I know of some mothers with kids with anxiety who gave their kids time limits on how long they would listen to an obsessive worry--you have 10 minutes, go--then they had to try and stop, and find something else to do. They explained that they couldn't listen more than that, but that they cared and wanted to at least hear. It forced the kids to get better at thinking linearly, and less scatershot, about the problem, then they got it out, and could, for a bit anyway, move on.

One technique is, of course, breathing. Calming down and focusing on breathing should be familiar to her from childbirth. It can help her get out of the fever pitch for the moment, so she can try and be more rational.

Another technique is trying to rate the thing that she's fearing on a scale, from 0--nothing to fear at all, to 5, end of the world, so see if its worth all this fuss.

There are some really great books about dealing with anxiety at Amazon, once she owns that she has it.

I would encourage her to speak to her OB about these overwhleming fears--he ought to know what to do to help. It is not uncommon for odd psychological quirks to show up, or for existing ones to be exasperated, by pregnancy. She does not need to suffer this much. It may make her feel like you don't value her feelings if you suggest a psych or councelor right now, but telling her OB, since what is good for her is good for her baby, might work. Is there any chance her husband might help get her to speak to the doctor?

[Insider2000]

I just got off the phone with my sister. She actually apologized for screaming at me. She read the comments on a random article for the drug (which is like…..the worst thing the world you can do on the Internet), and read some horrible story about some baby who was born, and just...horrible...BEYOND HORRIBLE things that were wrong with the child, and she freaked. Honestly, I told her, "If that's what you're freak out about, you have nothing to worry about. There is no way in Hell any drug like that would be sold in this country legally, let alone, to a pregnant woman, if it could potentially cause THAT."

One of her biggest freak outs was that she didn't want to talk to our mother because she wouldn't listen or be impatient with her, but my mother apparently took the drug herself before when she was pregnant with Sue herself!

So yeah, it's cleared up for now, but...she really can't do this shit. It's really unhealthy.

Heh. Sorry. It was a huge crashing moment when I posted, cause it had my sister, my father, and myself all down in the dumps and slightly pissed off. Still, she does have a problem with these sorts of things.

[DarthAsthma]

@Hiroy:

I don't really care whether or not I have mental problems, and certainly knowing would not encourage me to feel more or less assured. I've proven to myself countless of times that I can push aside any obstacle life throws at me, and pretty much cut off people that were dragging me down into their own endless contagious depression or self-loathing.

At my last job, I found myself talking with people around my age openly without much problems. Maybe because I hated the job and I thought I had nothing to lose from talking to pretty much anyone. Before all that, I believed myself to be socially awkward, shy and quiet. Now I just think that's just something I made for myself to happen, rather than thinking that's life not giving me a fair chance. Despite what I went through at that job, it did become a revelation of sorts. I still apologize for being too quiet, but that's a force of habbit more than anything.

Also, Zephos. Yeah, that's a great feeling to have. I remember one year of college in where I was going exceptionally well. Even in the math class I hated so much. I was up and about asking questions, recruiting people for a study group since I felt confident enough in the subject to team up with people smarter than me(I could not team myself with people that were really struggling, but I helped them when they asked), and also sitting back and taking breaks without worry or consequence. At that point, I felt like I had full control. Then somewhere along the lines I lost control and got sick of college. I'll certainly go back, but whenever I feel as if I have a good reason for doing so.
Why get a degree that would not promise me a job?
Why go to school for graphics when I can learn all of this at home?
The education system in America has really clouded reality for me.

My sympathies it's really somewhat the same as far as my experiences go with people I've talked to (from Japan, England, Cambodia, Germany, France and the US).
As far as artistic educations goes it's always you that has to find the way to make a job out of it what universities/college can offer is most of the time interesting experiences and the enviroment to exchange with like minded people. Which can be valuable in itself but oh well I really can sympathise how meaningless and also sometimes pretentious "art education" can be.

That said after reflecting a long time on the issue (like 6 years or so) I advise looking at things not from a "what certificate do I have to get for the job I want" perspective but from a "what skillset do I want to develop/have" perspective. In the end it's mostly about skills and yes sometimes it's also about the certificate but to get that one you have to show that you have the skillset to do it.

Since I've resolved myself that I can develop my artistic sensibilities and craftmanship on my own and that it's even more beneficial for me developing my own style I've dropped the idea of studying it. But since I don't want to gamble my live and be a bum with skills that may only have value for me I wanted to get a degree in something useful. Now since the very fabric of my being screams at me to constantly create stuff it was really hard for me to get behind the idea of doing something uncreative as job.

But I've tought about it intensivly and came to the conclusion that I want a skillset that gives me as much freedom as possible.
Which leads me to currently studying international buisness, I still want to be a creator or at least be involved with creative endeavours some day. But IB enables me to understand the business side of things and for every creator that wants to live off their creations there is a business side.

If things work out I can put out the artistic work that I want to do and understand the whole financial side of bringing it to people which is a huge asset. I feel like for the kind of artistic work I plan to do this gives me immense freedom. Which also might allow me to develop ways of delivering independend of big companies which allows for even more freedom. If things don't exactly work out I can still be a producer for something I believe in.
And if nothings works out I still have a somewhat usefull skillset to do work with an income that doesn't leave me hungry.

[Zack]

Seeing Asperger's Syndrome being discussed, maybe I should see if I have it? My mother recently said there's the possiblity of me having it? Though I think in general, it's just that I have a crappy time at time management, so whenever I feel like I'm doing something, it feels like I could be doing something else.

I also might have to start playing the Rocky - You're the best song to try and get my confidence back up. I think that actually helped a bit last semester. It seems that the longer I've been in college, the more it seems like I've developed bad test anxiety since all I can think of when I'm studying is how I'm going to mess up and fail my exams. I skipped the last test for my Physics II class, so that I would have the raw final score of my final exam count instead, and the class average for that was around a 40….(my class has the grade scaled), so it makes me wonder how well I could possibly do on the exam this coming Monday. I also made a 50 on my last Calculus IV exam which really shattered my confidence with that class though I might be able to bring that grade up a bit by the end of the semester.

[Kitsune Inferno]

I confess to being a bit behind the times when it comes to dealing with other people but I make do with what I know how to do and I do that vicariously and that's what makes me a good friend to have. Just saying.

[Popeye]

I feel depressed and alone. I know there are a lot of people I can talk to. But I don't want to worry them because they already have a lot to deal with. I have talked to friends before but they weren't much help. I'm the jokester I'm always the funny guy I don't get sad life is just a joke to me. So they just take it as me imitating an emo. My family is already worried about me. And if I tell them I'm sure it'll just cause more stress and I don't want that. And my love interest. Well she is distant. She cares for me. But all I'll get is a don't be sad and a hug. But the thing that drives me crazy is not knowing why I feel like this. Not looking for help here just felt like letting it out. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read it.

[I survived the buster call]

Popeye, that is what this thread is for. And being willing to admit you need help and the ability to accept it might be a good start for you, my friend. People who care, believe it or not, actually LIKE to help those whom they care about. Please don't cut yourself off from those who would like to and could help you, both IRL and here. So–with that in mind, may I ask how old you are?

[Popeye]

I'm 23. And I just don't want to burden them.

[RPGJay]

@Popeye:

I feel depressed and alone. I know there are a lot of people I can talk to. But I don't want to worry them because they already have a lot to deal with. I have talked to friends before but they weren't much help. I'm the jokester I'm always the funny guy I don't get sad life is just a joke to me. So they just take it as me imitating an emo. My family is already worried about me. And if I tell them I'm sure it'll just cause more stress and I don't want that. And my love interest. Well she is distant. She cares for me. But all I'll get is a don't be sad and a hug. But the thing that drives me crazy is not knowing why I feel like this. Not looking for help here just felt like letting it out. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read it.

I can relate to this on a couple of different levels. The funniest people and the people who want to make sure everyone they care about is happy are often the ones who are most depressed.

I'm going under the assumption that your family does care about you since they are worried. I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are depressed and you want some help. If your family cares, then they clearly want you happy.

I think you should take some time to think of a way to word what you want to say to them as articulately and calmly as possible. Once you think of how you want to say it, you should tell your parents. It doesn't have to be right away, you can take your time and wait until you are ready. But you should do it. It's going to cause them stress not knowing their child is in a lot of pain. It may be rocky when you first say it, I'm not going to deny that. But in the long run this is greatly beneficial to you and them.

I know saying you're going to do it and actually telling them what you need to tell them are two entirely different things. I freely admit I haven't even gotten that far with my folks yet over my issues and depression. However it is what is best for everyone involved, especially depending on how bad your depression is or the nature of it. You could literally not be getting the proper hormones from your body to keep you happy and may need some anti-depressants to help curb that.

Now before I end up rambling more I just want to say that your family does care about you and it's entirely up to you to decide what is best for yourself. It is not selfish at all to want what is best for you.

[Elisabeth Heart]

@Popeye:

I feel depressed and alone.

I find it extremely hard to tell my friends that I'm depressed. Even harder to tell my family. The main reason is that when I'm feeling low I have absolutely no faith in anyone. If they could help me getting out of it, they should at least notice that something's wrong. But they don't. And so I'm challenging themselves without having them aware of the test they are going through. I know, I'm cruel. Worst thing is that I end up even more wounded than I originally was.

Don't be like me.

It's already really good that you let it out a little here. You mustn't let that melancholy eat you. Talking about it is definitely the way to get rid of it. I don't think that your family or friends would think of it as a burden, on the contrary, if they are worried about it already, having you sharing it rather than hiding it would probably be of a great relief.

My advice would be : try to find at least one person you manage to talk to. It doesn't even have to be someone really close to you. One person that takes you seriously though. Only one person to share your feelings with, sometimes it's just enough :)

[The Laughing Man]

I have some form of anxiety disorder or OCD; minor OCD can come with an anxiety disorder however. I don't go through some ritual, though…I do like doing thing in "pairs" of 3. Instead, I have (minor) intrusive thoughts towards my father and mother; mostly my mother though, around her much more on a day-to-day basis. For instance: A random thought may just pop in my head about pushing my mother down our home's flight of steps for no reason whatsoever. (Having these thoughts brings me no pleasure because they're so outside of my "norm" it isn't funny; they actually make me feel somewhat physically ill).

However, despite me knowing (and telling myself) I would never act on such thoughts (the obsession), I have the fear every once in awhile that I'll lose control and act on them (the compulsion). My mind's kinda-sorta acting like a bully. (It should be noted my anxiety--my anxiety according to the good psychologist I'm seeing for my anxiety--sits at about a 2 to 3 out of 10, and I have absolutely NO violent past in my almost 21 years of life). (In fact, my psycho tells me violent thoughts are a part of being human, but a person with an anxiety disorder/OCD dwells (obsesses) on the violent thoughts and thinks they are some sort of monster for having them (the disorder)).

Violent thoughts aren't the only type of intrusive thoughts that can come with an anxiety disorder/OCD. There's also sexual and blasphemous (if you're religious) intrusive thoughts; which I have neither. So...yeah. Thought I'd share a minor illness I have. (My entire family is pretty high-strung and anxious). I also have (minor) "silent" (no burning) reflux disease.

[I survived the buster call]

@Popeye:

I'm 23. And I just don't want to burden them.

How do you know it would be a burden? Are you burdened by your friends or loved ones? I find that being able to help people brings me a good feeling. I appreciate the trust that it takes to ask me for even just an ear, never mind actual advice or whatever. If I am actually able to offer some advice or share some experience that helps, it often happens that I am helped as much or more than the person I am speaking to. Regardless, IMHO and E, giving people who care about you an opportunity to help when you really need it is a gift to them, not a burden.

[Mr. Zoro]

@Popeye:

I feel depressed and alone. I know there are a lot of people I can talk to. But I don't want to worry them because they already have a lot to deal with. I have talked to friends before but they weren't much help. I'm the jokester I'm always the funny guy I don't get sad life is just a joke to me. So they just take it as me imitating an emo. My family is already worried about me. And if I tell them I'm sure it'll just cause more stress and I don't want that. And my love interest. Well she is distant. She cares for me. But all I'll get is a don't be sad and a hug. But the thing that drives me crazy is not knowing why I feel like this. Not looking for help here just felt like letting it out. Thanks to whoever takes the time to read it.

I am in the same boat, my friend. Ever since college, I've felt alone and pretty sad, although I can't really say I was depressed… but I really don't like being left alone to my own thoughts when I can't sleep at night.

I used to have a handful of friends I could talk to about anything, but ever since college, I've felt alone. I haven't really made a genuine friend that I can tell anything to. I've tried talking about my problems to some of them, and all I've really gotten from them is a simple "I'm sorry", with no real follow up or intention to help me improve, which kind of discourages me from telling anyone else, and the thought that comes back time and time again is "So what if I tell this person, they aren't really going to do anything about it".

And I joke a lot, too. I think it's how I cope with things. I know my bounds of what I should and shouldn't joke about, but sometimes I think it costs me because it throws people off to see that I have problems. Which makes me also want to say "I'm only human", but sometimes they take that as an attempt at humor.

My scenario:
[hide] I feel extremely left out whenever I hear some of my friends say that college has been the best years of their life so far. I've been disappointed with it and have only been happy with it for a few days in a row during each month.

My high school friend joined a fraternity, and on his recommendation, I did as well. Now, quick disclaimer, this is nothing like the frats you see on movies or tv. There's actually a strict no hazing policy and there's no alcohol allowed on the property (anyone caught pays a nasty fine and is banned). What it promotes is philanthropy, leadership, scholarship, and some other really cool stuff like that. Every now and then we do things such as helping out at the local Boys and Girls Club, do barbeques for charity events, etc. Every Monday night, we dress up in suits and have dinner with some somewhat famous people to practice dinner etiquette, in case we ever have to have a dinner interview with future employers and whatnot. Some of the guests we have include the president of the university (we had him 3 times), some olympic gold medalists (one was a wrestler who got 1st sometime in the 80's, and the other was a runner who ran with Prefontaine!), a veteran member of Rotary, and so forth.
And supposedly it looks really good on a resume to show that I've been part of this fraternity. Since we have quite a few committees I can see how being a chairman shows leadership and management and stuff like that.

While all that does sound pretty cool, I have a really hard time buying into all of it. We have quite a majority of them who treat joining this fraternity as being the single greatest thing in their life, while it is certainly not the case for me. It's just another 4 year club in my view. I just don't understand why some of the other guys are basing/dedicating their whole lives to this organization, and why I don't feel the same. Anytime we get a new member to join, they're all gung ho about it, and I can't help but feel like I'm truly missing out on something.

I want to quit, but then I wouldn't be sure where to go. I feel like this is the only way I can genuinely make friends and if I leave it, I'll have a harder time coming by opportunities to do so, and I feel like I'll have less of a chance to be successful in life, since being part of this is suppose to help with that sort of thing.

Overall, I don't know if I really want to transfer to another college or not. I feel like it's too late to do so, and it would just have me end up taking more years and in even more debt, and graduate with a better than average college degree and maybe have a good chance of getting a decent job.

If this is what college really is,
then I don't like it.

Maybe it's the college? Maybe it's the major? I'm not really sure, and I've planned to meet with my academic advisor tomorrow to talk about this stuff, so hopefully I'll get somewhere with it.

[/hide]

[Popeye]

I talked to my friend about it. She asked what is causing it and it's that i just don't see the reason for living. I'm not suicidal. I just mean why should i even bother trying to make friends, get a better job, live healthier. In the end i'm still gonna die like everyone else. And money, friends, health haven't made me happy in the past. How will obtaining more of any of those make a difference. She didn't really have an answer other than "Well, you have me. That's something, right?" To which i replied "Even then i don't have you. We're just friends." I know she meant it as i can always count on her to try and help me.

She has told me she likes me and would like to go out with me once she isn't busy with school, work and family. To her spending time together is important. So if she won't be able to see me often why date. I understand that. I told her I'd wait until then, but now that I've gotten to know her. I realized it's not happening. She puts a lot of effort into school and work, which i admire. But she also likes to help out her friends and family, even if the latter doesn't treat her kindly. She is also very beautiful, and fun to be with. So she has a lot of friends, so she is always getting invited out. Lately she hasn't been going out because school and work have gotten more demanding, but when she does have free time she already promised someone that they are going somewhere. So I've given up on the idea of "us". Love was really the last thing i hadn't completely given up on. And i'm not saying it's because of her. I just noticed that even if we were dating nothing would change. We'd just have the title of Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Everything else would be the same. If i told her to change I'd just be left thinking, "how can i say i like her for who she is, when I'm trying to change who she is." I've had girlfriends in the past, but they didnt last because after we started dating they would all want me to change.

I don't think I'll really get over this depression because it seems to come from my thoughts on life. So i have to change my views on life, but how do you do that?

[Noqanky]

@Popeye:

I talked to my friend about it. She asked what is causing it and it's that i just don't see the reason for living. I'm not suicidal. I just mean why should i even bother trying to make friends, get a better job, live healthier. In the end i'm still gonna die like everyone else. And money, friends, health haven't made me happy in the past. How will obtaining more of any of those make a difference. She didn't really have an answer other than "Well, you have me. That's something, right?" To which i replied "Even then i don't have you. We're just friends." I know she meant it as i can always count on her to try and help me.

She has told me she likes me and would like to go out with me once she isn't busy with school, work and family. To her spending time together is important. So if she won't be able to see me often why date. I understand that. I told her I'd wait until then, but now that I've gotten to know her. I realized it's not happening. She puts a lot of effort into school and work, which i admire. But she also likes to help out her friends and family, even if the latter doesn't treat her kindly. She is also very beautiful, and fun to be with. So she has a lot of friends, so she is always getting invited out. Lately she hasn't been going out because school and work have gotten more demanding, but when she does have free time she already promised someone that they are going somewhere. So I've given up on the idea of "us". Love was really the last thing i hadn't completely given up on. And i'm not saying it's because of her. I just noticed that even if we were dating nothing would change. We'd just have the title of Boyfriend/Girlfriend. Everything else would be the same. If i told her to change I'd just be left thinking, "how can i say i like her for who she is, when I'm trying to change who she is." I've had girlfriends in the past, but they didnt last because after we started dating they would all want me to change.

I don't think I'll really get over this depression because it seems to come from my thoughts on life. So i have to change my views on life, but how do you do that?

When it happened to me, because it has, I've kept myself up on the idea that all those doubts and depressing emotions are appropriate questions that need to be asked, and at one point you should find an answer of some sort. Especially since, from what I read, you are a very mature individual. And I'm sure that w.e. answer you reach will come from you and no one else, and that will make it all the more special.

In part it is correct to assume that you are alone in the sense that only you can bring yourself out of a depression, because if you depend on someone to do so for you, once they are gone for one reason or another, even if momentarily, you will sink back in. Sure, friends will be there for you and will talk to you and it's perfectly fine to trust them, but eventually it falls on you to realize what you need to do to find a grip on life and do it.

Also, again, it's not about changing your views on life, but merely refining them; constantly learning and keeping what works and dropping what doesn't. For example, I also encountered nihilistic issues, especially when I started reading philosophy. What's the point of anything if we are all going to die at some point? Everyone says there's a purpose in life and a god and all that stuff, but what if it's not true and simply a way to keep people feeling safe and sane? Well, you'll have to find a way to answer these questions that actually makes you not only happy but satisfied in that you actually believe them. Personally, I never was able to believe again in life having a purpose or in an all-mighty god guiding our destiny, but instead I came to realize that believing that life is just random events and there is no plan meant I could do anything I wanted. If my life didn't have an intrinsic purpose, then I could give myself any purpose I wanted. And since I want to be happy and to make others happy, that meant not being afraid of anything and following my dreams no matter what. Why should I be afraid of failing when I know it must happen at some point? Why should I be afraid of dying if I know it must happen? Likewise … why not do something knowing that it's always possible that not only I will succeed, but that no matter how small the event it might lead to fantastic outcomes? In other words, I went from being depressed about life having no point to feeling fantastic because life had no point, so I was entirely free to give it whatever point I wanted that made me and as many other people happy. Came to college, took the classes I found fun and never worried about grades (because f*** grades, I just want to learn and have fun), and now I'm on my way to being a teacher even though half my family has disowned me for having gone to college to the pursue a "low-end" job with no future. Well, f*** that, I want to do it. And since I know I will at some point die, I want to do so having known that I had fun and did something I felt was important with the little time I had.

But I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that it's not about what truth you find or what happens in life, but about the attitude you take on it. And it WILL be hard, some things will just suck from any angle you look at them, but that's when you get creative and figure out eventually why there was some value in it happening. You may reach different answers than I do, or than anyone does in the world, and that's ok. Even if other people tell you it's not. (just as long as you don't decide to go on killing sprees or reach the fallacious decision that because life has no value then you have the right to reduce the value of others.)

So don't give up on yourself, because all this time you take to be depressed is just time you're giving yourself to find an answer, to give yourself a meaning and purpose you didn't have before. And on losing hope about love: I met my current girlfriend the day after I exclaimed to my friends that I had lost hope on love. January was a month that completely kicked my ass, had no one, lost friends and a girlfriend, and when I finally threw the towel I ended up meeting a fantastic new person the next day, who after a 15 minute conversation managed to make me smile the entire night, and what made it all the more special is that from the past failures I was much more concentrated on what I wanted. While previous girlfriends I had been sure about after weeks of interactions and getting closer, this girl won me over within 15 minutes of her being herself and appreciating me being myself.
Life is random and unexpected like that. Huh, guess that's another good point ... we are all indeed going to die eventually, but from now until that point you don't know what you'll be missing.

[Nolus]

How should I say this?

I'm sick. My mind is sick in some way. I just can't seem to find when all have gone wrong. Was it my fault? Was it someone else's? Can I break out of it, or am I destined to be like this for all eternity?

Disturbing thoughts…

[bartholemew kuma]

I'm just gonna put it out there.
I am known to be very hard, very lean, and can take a lot of shit, but.
I am fed up with Medicine
I am fed up with my University
I am fed up with my Country
I am fed up with the people around me
I am just fed up, i really can't take it anymore. Just ..all of it. It's all just stupid.

[Mr M]

Just me or am I very depressed with people around 14- 18 these times ? They all seem to be brainless idiots who only talk about kids problems and can't shut the hell up when they should etc…

[No Maam]

@metteminne:

Just me or am I very depressed with people around 14- 18 these times ? They all seem to be brainless idiots who only talk about kids problems and can't shut the hell up when they should etc…

I've always felt like that. I realy hate such giggling immaturity.

[Oga Simpson]

@metteminne:

Just me or am I very depressed with people around 14- 18 these times ? They all seem to be brainless idiots who only talk about kids problems and can't shut the hell up when they should etc…

I'm 18. Just what are you getting at mette?:ninja:

In all seriousness, I know exactly what you mean. I seem to be surrounded by these people, I'm not the only one either. They're pretty mind-numbingly annoying. Have to remember though, we were all that age at some point.

[Nolus]

@metteminne:

Just me or am I very depressed with people around 14- 18 these times ? They all seem to be brainless idiots who only talk about kids problems and can't shut the hell up when they should etc…

It's not just you. The friend of my brother also told us that teenagers these days are nuts.

Even though I unfortunately still in this category for a few years, I can see the wrong around me. Sometimes I wonder if I was born to the right place and dimension, because hell, I can't seem to understand them. They are like, cutting the tree below them.
I love how classes that should be for discussing serious problems, or talk about important things and such just happens to be a place for childish stuff like "Why does the teacher not allow the student who is late to attend class?" and "Why should we put our coats to were they should be put instead of just leaving them in the classroom?". I also love how they complain about how filthy our classroom is when they can't even throw the litter into the bin. If they miss, they doesn't go and pick it up, nooo, it's not their problem.

Furthermore, I love how they think they have equal rights compared to teachers. That's… stupid. Teacher are adults, we are kids, duh, they can do things we can't, what's so hard to understand in that?

However, I can see a few exceptions. Which is a relief honestly. Of course they are smarter than to oppose the crowd.

Sincerely, a 17 year-old.