All that matters is mental age, me thinks. Not the numbers and 10 year gap is nothing special too of course, unless it causes some misunderstandings between two, but agsin that is mental age.
Confession Session II
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I'm 20. So yeah, a 10 year gap.
An age gap is harder when you're younger, as it'll raise some eyebrows, but again it's all a matter of who your partner is. My parents married when my mother was 33 and my father was 43, so at that point the age gap wasn't considered much. If you like a guy older it just might mean you like guys who are more mature, instead of immature, silly boys. As for the guy, again, it all depends on his character. It's all so circumstantial.
Anything more than 10 years though is when the eyebrows start to go WAY up.
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Sorry to be back again. I hate to feel annoying or as though I'm wearing out my welcome here, so please feel free to ignore any of this.
! I'm going in to set up an appointment with a counselor today and I'm incredibly nervous. I have no idea what to expect and my stepmother has given me a laundry list of things that I'm not allowed to tell them. She says that I don't have insurance so they're not going to care much about what I tell them. She's trying to be supportive and helpful but it feels as if she's taking it less like "This could help you overcome whatever mental hangups you have" and more like "See what kind of pills you can get them to give you". She swears up and down that she loves me and that she's my mother but after all of the times that she's offhandedly called me creepy or told me that I have no personality or mentioned that I ruin all of her family photographs because I never look happy, I can't help but doubt it. I know that she doesn't mean anything by it, she's done so many kind things for me and I feel terrible for feeling this way but it wears me down sometimes.
! I mean, just the other day we, as a family, were sitting down for dinner and I mentioned (in my mumbling, fragmented sort of way) that I wasn't very hungry and wasn't going to eat anything. I assume that a reasonable response would be something along the lines of "Oh, are you not feeling well?" or "That's fine, we can save some for you in case you're hungry later". Instead, I was met with accusations of just wanting attention, loud name-calling (but that's "Just the way we talk to each other"), and the ever so lovely comment of "What, you're never not hungry" because despite the fact that I've only eaten one or two small meals a day for almost a year now, I'm still the fat ass that eats all of their food.
! And I don't think that I can tell any of this to the person who I was hoping I could tell all of this to.Sorry that this is a bit of a rant. I just wanted to get it off of my chest.
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@Below:
Sorry to be back again. I hate to feel annoying or as though I'm wearing out my welcome here, so please feel free to ignore any of this.
! I'm going in to set up an appointment with a counselor today and I'm incredibly nervous. I have no idea what to expect and my stepmother has given me a laundry list of things that I'm not allowed to tell them. She says that I don't have insurance so they're not going to care much about what I tell them. She's trying to be supportive and helpful but it feels as if she's taking it less like "This could help you overcome whatever mental hangups you have" and more like "See what kind of pills you can get them to give you". She swears up and down that she loves me and that she's my mother but after all of the times that she's offhandedly called me creepy or told me that I have no personality or mentioned that I ruin all of her family photographs because I never look happy, I can't help but doubt it. I know that she doesn't mean anything by it, she's done so many kind things for me and I feel terrible for feeling this way but it wears me down sometimes.
! I mean, just the other day we, as a family, were sitting down for dinner and I mentioned (in my mumbling, fragmented sort of way) that I wasn't very hungry and wasn't going to eat anything. I assume that a reasonable response would be something along the lines of "Oh, are you not feeling well?" or "That's fine, we can save some for you in case you're hungry later". Instead, I was met with accusations of just wanting attention, loud name-calling (but that's "Just the way we talk to each other"), and the ever so lovely comment of "What, you're never not hungry" because despite the fact that I've only eaten one or two small meals a day for almost a year now, I'm still the fat ass that eats all of their food.
! And I don't think that I can tell any of this to the person who I was hoping I could tell all of this to.Sorry that this is a bit of a rant. I just wanted to get it off of my chest.
[hide]It's not your stepmother's position to dictate what you say between you and your counselor. I know that much. That's your business and anyone else you decide to let into that business of yours. Tell the counselor what you feel is appropriate and you're comfortable sharing. The only thing your stepmother needs to be concerned about is your well being and if you feel an improvement of your well being requires you to share with a counselor stuff your stepmother wouldn't like to be said out loud, then so be it.
You give your stepmother the benefit of the doubt and I can't say anything otherwise because I haven't lived your life, so I don't have your experiences with her to say otherwise, so I have to trust you. Maybe she really doesn't mean anything about the sometimes(?) bad way she treats you, but keep in mind just because someone does a lot of kind things for you doesn't automatically translate to them having your best interests in mind. Neither does it translate to them being false with you. It really is up to you to figure all of that out and eventually having a heart-to-heart with her or someone close to her (your dad). A lot of your problems in your relationship with her might stem from her being your stepmom which I'm sure you've thought about.
I think it'll be in your best interest to talk this all out with your counselor and I'm glad you set up that appointment. The counselor might even being a great mediator. Good luck.[/hide]
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! I enjoy being sad and depressed..
! Am I a masochist?, or what. -
@Below:
Sorry to be back again. I hate to feel annoying or as though I'm wearing out my welcome here, so please feel free to ignore any of this.
! I'm going in to set up an appointment with a counselor today and I'm incredibly nervous. I have no idea what to expect and my stepmother has given me a laundry list of things that I'm not allowed to tell them. She says that I don't have insurance so they're not going to care much about what I tell them. She's trying to be supportive and helpful but it feels as if she's taking it less like "This could help you overcome whatever mental hangups you have" and more like "See what kind of pills you can get them to give you". She swears up and down that she loves me and that she's my mother but after all of the times that she's offhandedly called me creepy or told me that I have no personality or mentioned that I ruin all of her family photographs because I never look happy, I can't help but doubt it. I know that she doesn't mean anything by it, she's done so many kind things for me and I feel terrible for feeling this way but it wears me down sometimes.
! I mean, just the other day we, as a family, were sitting down for dinner and I mentioned (in my mumbling, fragmented sort of way) that I wasn't very hungry and wasn't going to eat anything. I assume that a reasonable response would be something along the lines of "Oh, are you not feeling well?" or "That's fine, we can save some for you in case you're hungry later". Instead, I was met with accusations of just wanting attention, loud name-calling (but that's "Just the way we talk to each other"), and the ever so lovely comment of "What, you're never not hungry" because despite the fact that I've only eaten one or two small meals a day for almost a year now, I'm still the fat ass that eats all of their food.
! And I don't think that I can tell any of this to the person who I was hoping I could tell all of this to.Sorry that this is a bit of a rant. I just wanted to get it off of my chest.
[hide] Your stepmother is being controlling, and that is NOT allowed when going to a counselor. Not having insurance does not mean the counselor is not going to care about what you tell them, it's their job to listen to everything you have to say. All these problems that you've listed with your stepmother are things you should talk to your counselor about (after anything you feel is more important, if there is), and that is between YOU and your COUNSELOR. If your stepmother nags at you to tell her about what you talked about, don't. Or only tell her in vague terms, and tell her that it's private. Because that's what the whole point of a counselor is.
Also: You can only get pills from a psychiatrist, not a general counselor. I know, I have some.[/hide]
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! I enjoy being sad and depressed..
! Am I a masochist?, or what.[hide]I doubt you actually enjoy it all that much. You might feel more comfortable with it because its become a norm in your life. It's a familiarity. Like an longtime-good-for-nothing-dirty-bud (weird example) you know you shouldn't be hanging out with but "(s)he gets you". Any other feeling like satisfaction and happiness might feel off or weird because you don't associate your life with those feelings that often and you retreat from them.
It's ok to be happy. Hell, it's good to be happy.[/hide]
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[hide]I doubt you actually enjoy it all that much. You might feel more comfortable with it because its become a norm in your life. It's a familiarity. Like an longtime-good-for-nothing-dirty-bud (weird example) you know you shouldn't be hanging out with but "(s)he gets you". Any other feeling like satisfaction and happiness might feel off or weird because you don't associate your life with those feelings that often and you retreat from them.
It's ok to be happy. Hell, it's good to be happy.[/hide]
I have been happy for a while and being sad again felt so good, I was shocked xD
Maybe I was happy for too long? I dunno. Or maybe you are right, I am too used to negative stuff, but I am not sure. -
I have been happy for a while and being sad again felt so good, I was shocked xD
Maybe I was happy for too long? I dunno. Or maybe you are right, I am too used to negative stuff, but I am not sure.Oh no, no such thing as being happy for too long. Sad for too long though? Now that's a thing.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
It isn't a crime to enjoy being sad. If you want to feel sad, feel sad. People that love you will be with you no matter how you feel.
http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g161/prismal/lisadepression_zps7e8eb8c8.jpg
Well, if you're going to be said you might as well enjoy it? Sadness itself is not an altogether bad emotion. Grief and sadness are actually very helpful for processing and letting out emotions. It's well known that a good cry every once in a while really helps (though it's not a trait of mine). That's why people call it a "good cry".
The problem isn't enjoying being sad. It's enjoying it too much to the point where one feels they're better in a state of sadness rather than out of it. Happiness is overall better, so you're right, it's not a crime to enjoy being sad but it's not something we want to repeat too often.
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[hide]It's not your stepmother's position to dictate what you say between you and your counselor. I know that much. That's your business and anyone else you decide to let into that business of yours. Tell the counselor what you feel is appropriate and you're comfortable sharing. The only thing your stepmother needs to be concerned about is your well being and if you feel an improvement of your well being requires you to share with a counselor stuff your stepmother wouldn't like to be said out loud, then so be it.
You give your stepmother the benefit of the doubt and I can't say anything otherwise because I haven't lived your life, so I don't have your experiences with her to say otherwise, so I have to trust you. Maybe she really doesn't mean anything about the sometimes(?) bad way she treats you, but keep in mind just because someone does a lot of kind things for you doesn't automatically translate to them having your best interests in mind. Neither does it translate to them being false with you. It really is up to you to figure all of that out and eventually having a heart-to-heart with her or someone close to her (your dad). A lot of your problems in your relationship with her might stem from her being your stepmom which I'm sure you've thought about.
I think it'll be in your best interest to talk this all out with your counselor and I'm glad you set up that appointment. The counselor might even being a great mediator. Good luck.[/hide]
Thank you, Outerspec, you're always on top of things in this thread; that's really awesome. I agree (or at least see where she's coming from) with some of the things that she's told me to refrain from mentioning. For example, she advised me not to come off as suicidal which I can understand as I wouldn't want to be referred to a mental hospital that I can in no way afford. I know that they don't warrant hospitalization unless you're in immediate danger of ending your life but it's best to be on the safe side.
I've considered that the issue might be brought upon by a sour stepmother-stepchild dynamic on top of the fact I can't be an easy person to get along with (I'd also be a bold-faced liar if I said I didn't have some "mommy issues").
[hide] Your stepmother is being controlling, and that is NOT allowed when going to a counselor. Not having insurance does not mean the counselor is not going to care about what you tell them, it's their job to listen to everything you have to say. All these problems that you've listed with your stepmother are things you should talk to your counselor about (after anything you feel is more important, if there is), and that is between YOU and your COUNSELOR. If your stepmother nags at you to tell her about what you talked about, don't. Or only tell her in vague terms, and tell her that it's private. Because that's what the whole point of a counselor is.
Also: You can only get pills from a psychiatrist, not a general counselor. I know, I have some.[/hide]
Thanks, Satsuki. Upon further reflection, the "Not going to care about what I tell them" comment might of been her saying not to be nervous or worry and I just interpreted it incorrectly.
My familial issues are most likely going to be the first thing I talk about with a counselor (probably going to ease into the whole "want to be a woman" thing). I've just got a nagging fear that she'll find out about something that I've said about her and get offended. Then it will turn into a huge argument and I am irrationally afraid of confrontation.
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@Below:
Thank you, Outerspec, you're always on top of things in this thread; that's really awesome.
Thank you for taking the time and giving us a chance to listen to you and help out however we can. Your courage in sharing is encouraging…inspiring even. That's what I like to say to everyone who shares on this thread. Listening is the easy part. What you and so many others do is the hard part.
I agree (or at least see where she's coming from) with some of the things that she's told me to refrain from mentioning. For example, she advised me not to come off as suicidal which I can understand as I wouldn't want to be referred to a mental hospital that I can in no way afford. I know that they don't warrant hospitalization unless you're in immediate danger of ending your life but it's best to be on the safe side.
Well, you don't have much to worry about on that end (being shipped off to an asylum). For the reason you already mentioned and keep in mind coming off as suicidal vs. mentioning that you've been suicidal are 2 different things. It would help the counselor to understand your background better and further help you if he knows about that. Whenever or whether you would feel comfortable telling him of course as the decision is up to you. Not anyone else.
I've considered that the issue might be brought upon by a sour stepmother-stepchild dynamic on top of the fact I can't be an easy person to get along with (I'd also be a bold-faced liar if I said I didn't have some "mommy issues").
I'm happy to say you recognize most problems are a 2 way lane even if one lane is receiving more traffic than the other. It's hardly ever just a 1 way street. Whatever the case I hope you can work it out and, again, I think a professional mediator would do wonders.
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You shouldn't be afraid of saying anything to your counselor, and if you have that feeling with them that you can't tell them something, then get a new one.
These people are trained and equipped to deal with all sort of issues and have to partake in agreements wherein whatever they discuss with you occurs only with you. The only situation in which your step-mother would be involved if it becomes family therapy, but given how much she seems to step on you, something like that happening sounds more like a positive step.
But back to the main point: don't be afraid to be open about your problems with the counselor, because in the end they're professionals and this is what they're for. Hiding things just limits how much they can help you.
Also notable, it's extremely detracting to mental health issues that there is still that stigma of not being open about dealing big with it because "you'll get locked away or put in a ward." While the history of mental health is indeed shady, situations like yours are more commonplace than you imagine and there is no reason to be paranoid of anything like that.
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Well, you don't have much to worry about on that end (being shipped off to an asylum). For the reason you already mentioned and keep in mind coming off as suicidal vs. mentioning that you've been suicidal are 2 different things. It would help the counselor to understand your background better and further help you if he knows about that. Whenever or whether you would feel comfortable telling him of course as the decision is up to you. Not anyone else.
Also notable, it's extremely detracting to mental health issues that there is still that stigma of not being open about dealing big with it because "you'll get locked away or put in a ward." While the history of mental health is indeed shady, situations like yours are more commonplace than you imagine and there is no reason to be paranoid of anything like that.
That was actually very irrational and insensitive of me to even consider. I apologize to anybody who may have taken offense to what I said.
Thank you all for responding; I greatly appreciate it. My stupid fears and mommy issues notwithstanding, I'll just have to wait to get in with this counselor to see how it goes.
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I'll just leave this here since this was a video I enjoyed recently.
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I was just thinking, I don't think loyalty is an inherently good trait. It can make someone blind to the bad things the person they're loyal to does.
When I was in high school, the principal at the time (who also became mayor) was pretty well-liked. The fall after my class graduated, he had his principal and mayor titles taken because of sexual harassment. I won't post the article here, and I don't remember everything, but apparently one female co-worker needed to seek mental health because of him. Most of the people from my high school were defending him, saying the woman probably wanted a promotion and pay raise, and that he was a good principal.
They were supporting him just because they knew him as this charismatic, cheerful, reasonable authority figure.
A lot of people aren't what they seem on the surface. There are plenty of people who present themselves as happy and outgoing but are actually in a deep state of depression, for example. When things like this happen, you can't just assume you know someone from the interactions you've had with them. I'm not saying that the information against him is 100% accurate, but I didn't rule out the possibility just because I was previously on good terms with him. One of the technology people with access to the information/evidence did say it was real, while the people who were defending him couldn't find anything better than "He was a good principal! He'd never do anything like this! That bitch just wanted a promotion!"
Also, if the allegations are true, those are some incredibly hurtful things to say about the woman involved. First being sexually harassed so much you need to seek mental health, and then having a lot of people in your community think you framed him because he didn't give you a promotion…
They were so passionate about it too. When a popular radio station brought it up, several people stopped listening to that station.
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In that particular situation you also have the problem of people being very quick to blame the victim when it comes to sexual harassment and rape and all those things. Because, you know, it's wrong to question HIS morals without solid evidence but it's not wrong to call HER a bitch based on nothing.
Pisses me off.
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My quest in becomin healthy so far:
! Beginning of January I tried to smooth out the relationship with my dad and just realised how I won't be able to make it clear to him that I'm sick. He just doesn't understand the concept of mental illness. Therefore I stay the lazy daughter who fucks everything up. I kinda gave up on this front.
But I went to the doc, telling him that I have suicidal tendencies and he gave me the number to a psychatrist, which took me a week to call. I was supposed to see my doc once a week but I haven't seen him ever since. Yes, I suck. And it's not his fault, cuz he's awesome and actually does seem to give a crap about me.
But last week I finally had my appointment with the psychatrist. Turns out I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Depression is "just" a side effect of that. I got new Antidepressants and Antipsychotics, which I'm supposed to only use when I feel an Anxiety attack coming. I told her I had many sudden feelings of faintness, at least once a day, and she told me that these are actually anxiety/panic attacks. So I got those pills to calm me down, read: make me sleepy. I have these pills for a week now and used up 9 so far. I think I might be addicted… You see, those pills give me the same feeling as being high. And I love that feeling.
I am now officially on sick leave and wait to get into a clinic where I'll be treated properly. But it can take months and months till there's a room for me and the waiting list is long. Too many sick people.
I will be seeing her again next monday and will properly tell her about my medication abuse.
I also am supposed to meet with a therapist as long as I'm not in the clinic yet. I've called for an appointment but haven't gotten a call back yet and should probably call again. If only I wasn't so afraid of talking on the phone, talking to people in general, docs and every other human being on that planet. Life would definitely be easier this way.
! So far everything is just darker than ever before but I'm still here. I just really want to go to the clinic. That's like my ray of hope in all this. -
My quest in becomin healthy so far:
! Beginning of January I tried to smooth out the relationship with my dad and just realised how I won't be able to make it clear to him that I'm sick. He just doesn't understand the concept of mental illness. Therefore I stay the lazy daughter who fucks everything up. I kinda gave up on this front.
But I went to the doc, telling him that I have suicidal tendencies and he gave me the number to a psychatrist, which took me a week to call. I was supposed to see my doc once a week but I haven't seen him ever since. Yes, I suck. And it's not his fault, cuz he's awesome and actually does seem to give a crap about me.
But last week I finally had my appointment with the psychatrist. Turns out I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Depression is "just" a side effect of that. I got new Antidepressants and Antipsychotics, which I'm supposed to only use when I feel an Anxiety attack coming. I told her I had many sudden feelings of faintness, at least once a day, and she told me that these are actually anxiety/panic attacks. So I got those pills to calm me down, read: make me sleepy. I have these pills for a week now and used up 9 so far. I think I might be addicted… You see, those pills give me the same feeling as being high. And I love that feeling.
I am now officially on sick leave and wait to get into a clinic where I'll be treated properly. But it can take months and months till there's a room for me and the waiting list is long. Too many sick people.
I will be seeing her again next monday and will properly tell her about my medication abuse.
I also am supposed to meet with a therapist as long as I'm not in the clinic yet. I've called for an appointment but haven't gotten a call back yet and should probably call again. If only I wasn't so afraid of talking on the phone, talking to people in general, docs and every other human being on that planet. Life would definitely be easier this way.
! So far everything is just darker than ever before but I'm still here. I just really want to go to the clinic. That's like my ray of hope in all this.[hide] Ouch. That's a situation where I know it can feel like you're in a cage, but please try not to give up hope. Like you say, there's still an option out there.
Are there other clinics you can apply to? There can't be only one clinic out there. If you put your name on several lists there's a chance you can get in faster to one of them.
Obviously you need to stop abusing your meds, because that will turn into a drug addiction, which is NOT something you need on top of all this. If that's something you're worrying about call your psychiatrist, she needs to know. Heck, it might help you get into the clinic faster (not that it's a good thing to do to get into a clinic faster).
A therapist/counselor is something I would recommend to have while you wait to get into a clinic. I hate to talk on the phone too, it's so awkward. I just wish we could text everywhere. But you know how important it is, so please try to do it and make that appointment. Once it's done you'll feel better, as I always try to tell myself. [/hide]
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Lately I've had this weird crippling fear of death. The idea of being buried in a box is just terrifying to me.
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Ummmmmm . . . . . opt for cremation instead?
That's definitely what I'm going for. Why would I take up precious space of land when it's easier (and logical) to return to the Earth and have my ashes spread or planted? It makes my apprehension of my death a little easier knowing I'll be part of the growing Earth rather than rotting in a box.
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Death is unsettling and inevitable, so the best thing to do is to try living your life to the fullest, and for as long as you can. And yeah, cremation is a good option though a viking style funeral seems pretty cool as well :D.
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I'm afraid of being stuffed in a box and set on fire too :(
Tbh I kind of want to be chained to a cliff so that the birds can peck away my flesh leaving my bones to warm in countless sunsets over a fantastic ocean view
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
I guess it's the idea of going to sleep and never waking up again that's frightening. Like I really hope there's an after life or something because the idea of existing for only a pin prick's length of time and then not existing just turns my brain into a big pretzel when I try to think about it. I just love life and I love my family and I don't want all that to be for nothing.
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Regarding what happens to the body:
! I remember looking it up and cremation can also be pretty bad for the environment, given the amount of energy that's consumed and the toxic gases that are released, especially if the cremation takes place following embalming which involves all these chemicals being applied to your body. It's just a matter of what sort of damage you prefer. If you don't want to use up land space then yea, cremation is the way to go.
! There are of course environmentally conscious ways for your remains to be treated. Like if you want cremation there's places with more environmentally friendly equipment that will result in less emissions or energy expenditure. Also, the coffin that is used matters for both cremation and burial, as well as whether your body is embalmed or not (not sure if you can avoid that if you want a funeral though.) There's companies that sell coffins that are environmentally friendly all over now, I believe, so that's something that can be done.Rambling about death:
! It's definitely a weighty issue to talk about and to be fair no one likes talking about it. I would say that at best the anxiety about death and nothingness is something we can use to fuel ourselves and develop motivation to accomplish more in life. If the fear bothers you to the point that it keeps you from doing things, then that's when I would be worried and would suggest talking to someone or finding the root of the concern.
! Regarding the idea, I personally like to think that when it happens to me, I won't care. Because, you know, I'll be dead. Likewise, if you believe in heaven or other planes or being or reincarnation, your death will also not be much of an issue to you since chances are you will indeed be in a better place. So all things considered, the only worry about death comes from being alive, and if you're alive then it's probably better to spend the time enjoying it and shaping the experience so it will be the most awesome thing ever.
Like I think my goal is that if at any point I were to die and be able to go "yea, I had an awesome life", then I'm doing things right. I think if I were to have that happen right now I could say that. Sure, regret over things I would miss out on (a LOT of awesome things I would miss out on), but happiness over all the stuff I DID do. And I guess if at any point in life I felt that wouldn't be my response to death then I need to change something quickly.
What I do worry about, though, is other people dying. When I die I just die and that's it for me, but the pain of the loss for the people around is what really sucks for me, and in that sense I selfishly hope that at least most of the people I love get to outlive me. I'd rather be gone myself than have to deal with losing them like that. And yea, it's selfish, but with that in mind I intend to leave instructions that my funeral proceeding need to be super awesome and fun and happy times so people get distracted from the sad. I'm thinking people telling each other funny stories of all my awkward moments, wearing of funny hats, and party favors. -
! @the death discussion:
! Yeah, it really gets to me if I think too long about the fact that my parents won't be around forever. No more hugging, no more talking… they'll be snatched away from me. Just like that.
It doesn't help that another fear of mine is growing into a lonely old man. I don't have great social skills or confidence, I don't drive, I don't earn a lot, I prefer staying in my room to going out clubbing, etc.
I know that finding a partner who would settle for my boring and dependant way of life would be like finding a needle in a particularly large haystack, so I don't hold much hope for ever starting a family.
My brother is the more likely candidate for that, so I'll probably just be the kind Uncle who spoils his Nieces/Nephews when they visit. -
I don't believe in an afterlife. Death means nothingness to me and I can't wait for that. Finally no feelings and expectations anymore. Just rotting away and becoming nothing. I would like to believe that something happens to our souls, that maybe we get reborn, maybe we go to heaven, maybe we get to watch out for our loved ones as guardian angels, but in the end… I think that's too naive to think that. There's just a big black hole waiting.
For a long long time I was scared of death and then realised at some point there's no need to be scared as I started to embrace the idea of death. Life is too exhausting for me. Death is easy, peaceful. Life is hard.
The reason I'm still alive is easy: As long as I can, I want to see the end of my favorite series. And as long as I can I will keep my father from having to pay those huge funeral costs. Funerals are way too expensive. Hey, you just lost a loved one, how about you lose all the money you don't have, too!
Is it just me. I would love to be a Ghost after Death and see which people mourn and how and what they say about me. I imagine that to be very interesting. And how many people would actually attend my funeral. Probably not a lot, heh.
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From -
http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/2y0vhi/til_people_who_survived_suicide_attempts_by/
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/10/13/jumpersSurvivors often regret their decision in midair, if not before. Ken Baldwin and Kevin Hines both say they hurdled over the railing, afraid that if they stood on the chord they might lose their courage. Baldwin was twenty-eight and severely depressed on the August day in 1985 when he told his wife not to expect him home till late. “I wanted to disappear,” he said. “So the Golden Gate was the spot. I’d heard that the water just sweeps you under.” On the bridge, Baldwin counted to ten and stayed frozen. He counted to ten again, then vaulted over. “I still see my hands coming off the railing,” he said. As he crossed the chord in flight, Baldwin recalls, “I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped.”
Kevin Hines was eighteen when he took a municipal bus to the bridge one day in September, 2000. After treating himself to a last meal of Starbursts and Skittles, he paced back and forth and sobbed on the bridge walkway for half an hour. No one asked him what was wrong. A beautiful German tourist approached, handed him her camera, and asked him to take her picture, which he did. “I was like, ‘Fuck this, nobody cares,’ ” he told me. “So I jumped.” But after he crossed the chord, he recalls, “My first thought was What the hell did I just do? I don’t want to die.”
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Death, to me, has always been a two-way street. On one hand, it's frightening to think about no longer existing and just what that entails. On the other, it's comforting to know that there is an end where stress and anxiety don't exist.
These days, I'm leaning more towards the comforting end of that spectrum. Death is hard. Having someone close to you die is hard. Knowing that you're going to die one day is hard. But, in my eyes, getting an extended resting period after this whole crazy life thing is over seems pretty rewarding.
I've always rationalized that the only reason for my still being alive was so that I could read the end of One Piece.
The idea of seeing my own funeral is an interesting one, but I think that I'd rather pass at that opportunity. I'd be too afraid to see who did or didn't come and I'd be worried about who was there to actually pay respects and who was there out of necessity or because it was the polite thing to do. And if my spectral, mass-less form could follow them home to see which one's really cared about me, I'd feel guilty for those who expressed grief.
But I guess that's what's so great about death. No fear, no worries, no guilt. Just nothing.
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This post is deleted!
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You think there has to be some sort of God or grand design at least… I mean sentience exists. The natural progression of things in the right environment is life and self awareness. All these elements and molecules that have already been in existence for an eternity want to be me right now, a single voice that's comprised of countless cells and bacteria and organisms.. Without life and sentience, all of this may as well not even exist. I just wish we knew more...
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Those bags where your body decomposes to give nutrients to a tree always seemed neat to me.
Having a little forest made up of your friends seems like a nice way to spend eternity.
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That moment when you're child and you find out one day you're going to die and you spend the whole night afraid and crying yourself to sleep. Ah, good times. ..
I think we all grow up and fear the death of others more than ourselves, but either way you think it could be considered selfish because either you're trying to avoid your own heart ache or your own death.
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Those bags where your body decomposes to give nutrients to a tree always seemed neat to me.
Having a little forest made up of your friends seems like a nice way to spend eternity.
then one day the forest is cut down and the wood used to build a fucking haunted cabinet or something
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THIS, people. This.
I never regretted any of my attempts. Only that none of them worked and that I can't be bothered to try again. Medical bills….
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then one day the forest is cut down and the wood used to build a fucking haunted cabinet or something
I think that's how the Narnia wardrobe was created.
Seriously though, the concept of a grand design is an interesting one. You'd think that as intricate and complex as living is, something would have had to put it in motion. Was that an omnipotent Creator, a massive implosion or something else entirely? There's no real way of knowing right now.
I'm no real authority on the matter but, personally, I don't believe in an afterlife. But, hey, what do I know? I've never died before. There could be a paradise waiting for all of us. We could be reincarnated. The energy left behind by our bodies could manifest itself as new life. Or our souls could remain and watch out for our loved ones.
Death is what you make of it.
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@Below:
I think that's how the Narnia wardrobe was created.
Seriously though, the concept of a grand design is an interesting one. You'd think that as intricate and complex as living is, something would have had to put it in motion. Was that an omnipotent Creator, a massive implosion or something else entirely? There's no real way of knowing right now.
I'm no real authority on the matter but, personally, I don't believe in an afterlife. But, hey, what do I know? I've never died before. There could be a paradise waiting for all of us. We could be reincarnated. The energy left behind by our bodies could manifest itself as new life. Or our souls could remain and watch out for our loved ones.
Death is what you make of it.
I don't believe human life is as special as some people make it out to be. I mean, what do you think happens to a fungus when it dies? Or to a bunch of cockroaches when the exterminator fumigates them?
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Those bags where your body decomposes to give nutrients to a tree always seemed neat to me.
Having a little forest made up of your friends seems like a nice way to spend eternity.
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[hide]Sometimes I just seriously hate my life. My life has just kind of been one big joke ever since I was little. What currently has me being depressed is today. I've had a shitty couple of weeks these past two weeks. My grandfather was sent to the hospital due to complications from some health issues he's had. While there, he got an infection he was unable to fight off due to not having an immune system anymore. I got a message to call mom ASAP, and knew what she was going to tell me when I made the call. Grandpa wasn't going to be coming home from the hospital this time. Sure enough, Friday, Feb. 27th, he passed away. The funeral was this past Tuesday, but I was unable to make it due to living out of state and not having time or funds to get back to Indiana. So, yeah. Shitty couple of weeks.
Today, I was supposed to get to have a little fun and actually socialize face to face with other living human beings. My roommate was hosting a pizza party which was supposed to then move to a place where they just set up a big trampoline area and rock climbing wall. I love the climbing walls, and I've never been on a trampoline but I've always wanted to, so today was going to be really fun. But, nope. We went and got pizza, where I had little chance to talk to anybody because our large group couldn't all sit at the same table and so everyone kind of split off into little groups of people they know well and I was left sitting with my roommate and someone I don't know, eating our pizza and not talking. Roommate and I leave to meet everyone at the trampoline place, and we get there to find the group has decided not to stay there because it's so busy the place JUST opened a couple days ago, so there's a lot of hype and everyone is checking it out at once. One of the guys says he's planning to do a get together at his place instead if we want to join. I wanted to go, but I was at the mercy of my roommate as he was my ride. Roommate didn't want to go, as he's heading out of town to spoil himself with a fancy hotel room with a hot tub and such to celebrate his new work schedule. So, I had no choice but to not go as well. No way to get home if someone couldn't drive me.
Why couldn't I just have a day where I get to have fun with people? Why couldn't I have a day where I get to act like a normal human being for a change? Especially after the shitty past couple of weeks with Grandpa going to the hospital and me not being able to make the funeral, I really could have used this day of fun. But no. It had to all fall apart, just like everything else does. My life has been nothing but one massive joke. I never had friends as a child. If I wasn't being picked on by classmates, my existence was simply being ignore. It was that was for as long as I can remember. From Kindergarten all the way until my Senior year in high school, I never had anybody in that building I could call a real friend. Nobody I got to just hang out with and do whatever it is normal people do when they hang out with friends. I always thought, even back then, that I would be married by now. Instead, I'm 30 years old and single. I've dated a fair bit over the years, but every relationship falls apart, and I'm left living vicariously through my various OCs, having pretend relationships with fictional characters instead of being able to live these things in the real world.
If something doesn't change soon, I'll have yet another steaming pile added to the mix as well. My roommate is looking to get himself a house, and I won't be moving into it with him. He doesn't want my cats in his house, and I really don't want him as a roommate any longer than I have to. He's a nice enough guy, but also kind of disgusting and really annoying and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. However, if I don't find a second job soon, I don't stand a chance in hell of being able to afford to take over apartment expenses, and I'll once again be facing homelessness as I was when my roommate offered to let me move in with him a few years ago. I REFUSE to give up my cats, especially with one of them being 18 years old and thus not having a chance in hell of finding a new home with someone else. I don't know what else to do. Nowhere else I can go if I can't keep this apartment.
I'm just seriously tired of it all. Why can't things start going right for me? Why can't something good happen for a change? Why has the universe decided I'm not allowed to be happy?[/hide]
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[hide]Sometimes I just seriously hate my life. My life has just kind of been one big joke ever since I was little. What currently has me being depressed is today. I've had a shitty couple of weeks these past two weeks. My grandfather was sent to the hospital due to complications from some health issues he's had. While there, he got an infection he was unable to fight off due to not having an immune system anymore. I got a message to call mom ASAP, and knew what she was going to tell me when I made the call. Grandpa wasn't going to be coming home from the hospital this time. Sure enough, Friday, Feb. 27th, he passed away. The funeral was this past Tuesday, but I was unable to make it due to living out of state and not having time or funds to get back to Indiana. So, yeah. Shitty couple of weeks.
Today, I was supposed to get to have a little fun and actually socialize face to face with other living human beings. My roommate was hosting a pizza party which was supposed to then move to a place where they just set up a big trampoline area and rock climbing wall. I love the climbing walls, and I've never been on a trampoline but I've always wanted to, so today was going to be really fun. But, nope. We went and got pizza, where I had little chance to talk to anybody because our large group couldn't all sit at the same table and so everyone kind of split off into little groups of people they know well and I was left sitting with my roommate and someone I don't know, eating our pizza and not talking. Roommate and I leave to meet everyone at the trampoline place, and we get there to find the group has decided not to stay there because it's so busy the place JUST opened a couple days ago, so there's a lot of hype and everyone is checking it out at once. One of the guys says he's planning to do a get together at his place instead if we want to join. I wanted to go, but I was at the mercy of my roommate as he was my ride. Roommate didn't want to go, as he's heading out of town to spoil himself with a fancy hotel room with a hot tub and such to celebrate his new work schedule. So, I had no choice but to not go as well. No way to get home if someone couldn't drive me.
Why couldn't I just have a day where I get to have fun with people? Why couldn't I have a day where I get to act like a normal human being for a change? Especially after the shitty past couple of weeks with Grandpa going to the hospital and me not being able to make the funeral, I really could have used this day of fun. But no. It had to all fall apart, just like everything else does. My life has been nothing but one massive joke. I never had friends as a child. If I wasn't being picked on by classmates, my existence was simply being ignore. It was that was for as long as I can remember. From Kindergarten all the way until my Senior year in high school, I never had anybody in that building I could call a real friend. Nobody I got to just hang out with and do whatever it is normal people do when they hang out with friends. I always thought, even back then, that I would be married by now. Instead, I'm 30 years old and single. I've dated a fair bit over the years, but every relationship falls apart, and I'm left living vicariously through my various OCs, having pretend relationships with fictional characters instead of being able to live these things in the real world.
If something doesn't change soon, I'll have yet another steaming pile added to the mix as well. My roommate is looking to get himself a house, and I won't be moving into it with him. He doesn't want my cats in his house, and I really don't want him as a roommate any longer than I have to. He's a nice enough guy, but also kind of disgusting and really annoying and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. However, if I don't find a second job soon, I don't stand a chance in hell of being able to afford to take over apartment expenses, and I'll once again be facing homelessness as I was when my roommate offered to let me move in with him a few years ago. I REFUSE to give up my cats, especially with one of them being 18 years old and thus not having a chance in hell of finding a new home with someone else. I don't know what else to do. Nowhere else I can go if I can't keep this apartment.
I'm just seriously tired of it all. Why can't things start going right for me? Why can't something good happen for a change? Why has the universe decided I'm not allowed to be happy?[/hide]
And here I thought I was alone… I can't offer up much advice to you since I'm wallowing in the same pit of loneliness and despair, but I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in your feelings. If you ever want to talk privately sometime don't be afraid to hit me up. I've tried therapy, multiple times, and it didn't do me any good, but it still might be worth it to look into attending some group therapy meetings and/or consulting with a psychiatrist. Who knows, in your case it might actually help.
Try to keep an optimistic attitude about finding that second job soon. More often than not, when something is an absolute necessity it has a way of working itself out.
My deepest condolences about your grandfathers passing. :(
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then one day the forest is cut down and the wood used to build a fucking haunted cabinet or something
Fair enough. As long as it's a nice looking cabin i'm cool with it.
Like, if someone could figure out a good use for me, i'd be cool with them using my actual body for any purpose.
Like a creepy, stuffed, decoration piece, or a doorstop
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! A few weeks ago my boss's Mother in Law was in the hospital with pneumonia and she wasn't looking that good, and my boss was telling me how she woke up not knowing where she was and crying because she didn't want to die… and then a few days later she passed away. For some reason it just really fucked me up and I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking about my own grandma in the hospital last year who came sooo close to dying (and who would have if my grandpa not been right there when she collapsed) and how she woke up two weeks later in the hospital with absolutely no memory of what happened or the week before that where she was in and out of this sluggish consciousness.
! in the past, i've been like "we either go to the after life or we cease to exist, which won't be so bad because I've already spent an eternity not existing" and i've definitely had my low points where i wasn't exactly suicidal but i probably wouldnt have minded being dead. Idk why but lately I've just been feeling really fucked up about the concept of death. It's just like.. why am I alive then? What's the point of life if the outcome is just nonexistence? It just seems cruel in a way. There's a concept that everything in time happens all at once, so are we all already dead? I mean a dead person has no concept of time ... Is this all just an illusion? Some scientists think the Universe is a kind of brain. Are we just thoughts? it's just fucking me up in a huge way -
! A few weeks ago my boss's Mother in Law was in the hospital with pneumonia and she wasn't looking that good, and my boss was telling me how she woke up not knowing where she was and crying because she didn't want to die… and then a few days later she passed away. For some reason it just really fucked me up and I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking about my own grandma in the hospital last year who came sooo close to dying (and who would have if my grandpa not been right there when she collapsed) and how she woke up two weeks later in the hospital with absolutely no memory of what happened or the week before that where she was in and out of this sluggish consciousness.
! in the past, i've been like "we either go to the after life or we cease to exist, which won't be so bad because I've already spent an eternity not existing" and i've definitely had my low points where i wasn't exactly suicidal but i probably wouldnt have minded being dead. Idk why but lately I've just been feeling really fucked up about the concept of death. It's just like.. why am I alive then? What's the point of life if the outcome is just nonexistence? It just seems cruel in a way. There's a concept that everything in time happens all at once, so are we all already dead? I mean a dead person has no concept of time ... Is this all just an illusion? Some scientists think the Universe is a kind of brain. Are we just thoughts? it's just fucking me up in a huge way! I take up the belief that life is what you make of it. The purpose of your life? That's for you to decide. It doesn't have to be any one thing or any two things. I take my life like a series of steps. Always moving forward to an inevitable conclusion, but before I reach that unpredictable (yet predictable) end I take whatever steps I need to in order to live my life. Because it's mine.
! Life is precious. It's literally all we have. Everything we do, say, eat, breath, see, feel, and experience is because of life. I think the reason you're so hung up on death right now is, yeah, you're really affected by your boss's mother-in-law's untimely death because it so reminded you of your grandmother's close call. Most likely this phase will be temporary but if it persists for say…months or even weeks then I would see a professional.–- Update From New Post Merge ---
[hide]Sometimes I just seriously hate my life. My life has just kind of been one big joke ever since I was little. What currently has me being depressed is today. I've had a shitty couple of weeks these past two weeks. My grandfather was sent to the hospital due to complications from some health issues he's had. While there, he got an infection he was unable to fight off due to not having an immune system anymore. I got a message to call mom ASAP, and knew what she was going to tell me when I made the call. Grandpa wasn't going to be coming home from the hospital this time. Sure enough, Friday, Feb. 27th, he passed away. The funeral was this past Tuesday, but I was unable to make it due to living out of state and not having time or funds to get back to Indiana. So, yeah. Shitty couple of weeks.
Today, I was supposed to get to have a little fun and actually socialize face to face with other living human beings. My roommate was hosting a pizza party which was supposed to then move to a place where they just set up a big trampoline area and rock climbing wall. I love the climbing walls, and I've never been on a trampoline but I've always wanted to, so today was going to be really fun. But, nope. We went and got pizza, where I had little chance to talk to anybody because our large group couldn't all sit at the same table and so everyone kind of split off into little groups of people they know well and I was left sitting with my roommate and someone I don't know, eating our pizza and not talking. Roommate and I leave to meet everyone at the trampoline place, and we get there to find the group has decided not to stay there because it's so busy the place JUST opened a couple days ago, so there's a lot of hype and everyone is checking it out at once. One of the guys says he's planning to do a get together at his place instead if we want to join. I wanted to go, but I was at the mercy of my roommate as he was my ride. Roommate didn't want to go, as he's heading out of town to spoil himself with a fancy hotel room with a hot tub and such to celebrate his new work schedule. So, I had no choice but to not go as well. No way to get home if someone couldn't drive me.
Why couldn't I just have a day where I get to have fun with people? Why couldn't I have a day where I get to act like a normal human being for a change? Especially after the shitty past couple of weeks with Grandpa going to the hospital and me not being able to make the funeral, I really could have used this day of fun. But no. It had to all fall apart, just like everything else does. My life has been nothing but one massive joke. I never had friends as a child. If I wasn't being picked on by classmates, my existence was simply being ignore. It was that was for as long as I can remember. From Kindergarten all the way until my Senior year in high school, I never had anybody in that building I could call a real friend. Nobody I got to just hang out with and do whatever it is normal people do when they hang out with friends. I always thought, even back then, that I would be married by now. Instead, I'm 30 years old and single. I've dated a fair bit over the years, but every relationship falls apart, and I'm left living vicariously through my various OCs, having pretend relationships with fictional characters instead of being able to live these things in the real world.
If something doesn't change soon, I'll have yet another steaming pile added to the mix as well. My roommate is looking to get himself a house, and I won't be moving into it with him. He doesn't want my cats in his house, and I really don't want him as a roommate any longer than I have to. He's a nice enough guy, but also kind of disgusting and really annoying and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. However, if I don't find a second job soon, I don't stand a chance in hell of being able to afford to take over apartment expenses, and I'll once again be facing homelessness as I was when my roommate offered to let me move in with him a few years ago. I REFUSE to give up my cats, especially with one of them being 18 years old and thus not having a chance in hell of finding a new home with someone else. I don't know what else to do. Nowhere else I can go if I can't keep this apartment.
I'm just seriously tired of it all. Why can't things start going right for me? Why can't something good happen for a change? Why has the universe decided I'm not allowed to be happy?[/hide]
[hide]I can't completely assure you things will get better but I can completely assure you the universe is not against you. If you have any notion that some cosmic force or life itself is holding you back or trying to tear you down specifically, you have to wipe that from your mind. It isn't true. What is true is that perhaps your circumstances, environment, or maybe even your own decisions have led you to the position you are in now, but as far as you being some kind of target for the god's entertainment I want you to know you're no less special than anyone else. I believe you can get yourself out of this mess because you've done it already.
I too am looking for a place to stay for me and someone else. I have the only income and 1 job so I have to find someplace cheeeaap and I have to find it soon. I'm staying at my parents right now until I have a place and she'll be staying at hers. Is it possible you could bunk with family members until you work out your living situation? I know you said you have nowhere else to go and you'll be homeless if you can't find another job to pay the apartment but is it because there's something barring you from living back home? If there is a home to go back to of course…you don't have to disclose any information you don't want to, but if there's a family member you might think is willing to let you bunk with them you should hit them up.
Lastly, between living on the street or living with a roommate all based on your pet situation... I would give up the pets. You are a more compassionate person than me when it comes to these things. You seem to be an alright guy. Keep it up but save some of that compassion for yourself.
Oh, and try online dating. Unless you tried it already. Then all I can say is don't give up. Everything's eventual.[/hide]
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[hide]I can't completely assure you things will get better but I can completely assure you the universe is not against you. If you have any notion that some cosmic force or life itself is holding you back or trying to tear you down specifically, you have to wipe that from your mind. It isn't true. What is true is that perhaps your circumstances, environment, or maybe even your own decisions have led you to the position you are in now, but as far as you being some kind of target for the god's entertainment I want you to know you're no less special than anyone else. I believe you can get yourself out of this mess because you've done it already.
I too am looking for a place to stay for me and someone else. I have the only income and 1 job so I have to find someplace cheeeaap and I have to find it soon. I'm staying at my parents right now until I have a place and she'll be staying at hers. Is it possible you could bunk with family members until you work out your living situation? I know you said you have nowhere else to go and you'll be homeless if you can't find another job to pay the apartment but is it because there's something barring you from living back home? If there is a home to go back to of course…you don't have to disclose any information you don't want to, but if there's a family member you might think is willing to let you bunk with them you should hit them up.
Lastly, between living on the street or living with a roommate all based on your pet situation... I would give up the pets. You are a more compassionate person than me when it comes to these things. You seem to be an alright guy. Keep it up but save some of that compassion for yourself.
Oh, and try online dating. Unless you tried it already. Then all I can say is don't give up. Everything's eventual.[/hide]
[hide]Giving up the cats is NEVER an option. It would be like asking a normal person to give up their flesh and blood children that they gave birth to just because things have hit a rough patch. They would never do it, just as I will never give up my cats. Getting rid of the 18 year old would be an instant death sentence for her. She's too old to be adopted out to anybody else, and wouldn't last long cramped up in a cage. When you take on pets, you are agreeing to care for them as long as they live regardless of what happens. They are not something to simply be tossed aside when things become inconvenient. I would never be able to live with myself if I did that to them.[/hide]
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[hide]Giving up the cats is NEVER an option. It would be like asking a normal person to give up their flesh and blood children that they gave birth to just because things have hit a rough patch. They would never do it, just as I will never give up my cats. Getting rid of the 18 year old would be an instant death sentence for her. She's too old to be adopted out to anybody else, and wouldn't last long cramped up in a cage. When you take on pets, you are agreeing to care for them as long as they live regardless of what happens. They are not something to simply be tossed aside when things become inconvenient. I would never be able to live with myself if I did that to them.[/hide]
[Hide] I'm more worried about you than your cats but like I said you are very compassionate about it, so I'm not telling you to give up your cats. If you want to hold on to them that's fine but make sure you wind up in a position where you and your cats are as comfortable as possible. You don't want to be living on the streets with pets and I don't think many shelters accept pets. A car could help but of course a building is better. Not only for yourself but your cats as well.[/hide]
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[hide]Giving up the cats is NEVER an option. It would be like asking a normal person to give up their flesh and blood children that they gave birth to just because things have hit a rough patch. They would never do it, just as I will never give up my cats. Getting rid of the 18 year old would be an instant death sentence for her. She's too old to be adopted out to anybody else, and wouldn't last long cramped up in a cage. When you take on pets, you are agreeing to care for them as long as they live regardless of what happens. They are not something to simply be tossed aside when things become inconvenient. I would never be able to live with myself if I did that to them.[/hide]
Not that it rly matters…
My mother gave up my brother when he was 3. To the people that she said again and again were abusing her. Her Foster parents.
... But my mother is an evil bitch, so it doesn't rly count. -
Funny as for me the most terrying part is the idea of an afterlife. I sure hate the idea of my life never meeting his end.
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I don't believe human life is as special as some people make it out to be. I mean, what do you think happens to a fungus when it dies? Or to a bunch of cockroaches when the exterminator fumigates them?
I agree, at least in the context of whether or not there's life after death. I was just emphasizing that my view on the subject isn't the only view.
my mother is an evil bitch
That makes two of us, then.
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Vsauce here.
Thanks for continuing to play.
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@Below:
I agree, at least in the context of whether or not there's life after death. I was just emphasizing that my view on the subject isn't the only view.
Yeah, I know. I was speaking generally and just trying to add my 2cents to the conversation. Don't mind me.