thanks guys. You make me glad, that I made a confession. I usually don't like talking about my inner feelings and by passing of the time I learned to deal with stuff quite well (given that I used to be depressed over my low self esteem 24/7 when I was younger). But sometimes I just have those moments. I should probably be interacting more with other people for my own good.
Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD
-
-
! I like seeing posts from old users of these forums, people with join dates tht go back to 2006 and stuff.
! Its not like I am the best or the most frequent poster in here, I usually lurk and my posts aren't even half good because I have nothing to say most of the times or I don't know how to put it into words when I do, but really love AP, and even if its idiotic to say so but I just get a "warm" feeling when I am here, I just do.
! and when I see posts from old members who started using it like 7 yeas ago or something it makes me appreciate it even more, add that to the fact that the mods put some great effort into giving us a great website.
! the recent updates to the site really showed how much the mods care about the forum, and thats something that I respect from the bottom of my heart -
@NER:
I like seeing posts from old users of these forums, people with join dates tht go back to 2006 and stuff.
Its not like I am the best or the most frequent poster in here, I usually lurk and my posts aren't even half good because I have nothing to say most of the times or I don't know how to put it into words when I do, but really love AP, and even if its idiotic to say so but I just get a "warm" feeling when I am here, I just do.
and when I see posts from old members who started using it like 7 yeas ago or something it makes me appreciate it even more, add that to the fact that the mods put some great effort into giving us a great website.
the recent updates to the site really showed how much the mods care about the forum, and thats something that I respect from the bottom of my heart
Kind of contradictory given this post :p
And you have somehow become a poster to read with interest to me, so you must post well :D -
I confess to being extremely paranoid about sharing my interests, mainly with my family, because I'm afraid of being made fun of.
-
Kind of contradictory given this post :p
And you have somehow become a poster to read with interest to me, so you must post well :DThanks, it means a lot that someone feel that way about what I post. :P
I hope I never disappoint.
-
EDIT: Nevermind.
-
I confess to being extremely paranoid about sharing my interests, mainly with my family, because I'm afraid of being made fun of.
This. Except for me it was more about fitting in with my peers. I was a big nerd in primary school who read and drew and wrote stories all the time. Then I went to an all girls highschool and gradually learnt from everyone to not care about your grades, and that reading and drawing and writing stories is uncool… rather I should be caring about celebrity gossip, fashion, my appearance, boy drama, beauty, fitness and health, bitching about the other girls... somehow I've always felt that I don't fit in in that respect, but at this point in my life I'm so used to covering up who I feel I really am inside that it doesn't even occur to me to behave otherwise. Now I'm older I wish I had kept reading lots and writing stories. It's something I miss but just isn't part of my life anymore.
For example my friends that know that I like anime/manga and like drawing are all from highschool or earlier as from uni onwards I never told anyone about it other than an extremely vague "I like Japanese culture". I actually went to a flat viewing the other day and straight off the bat this guy started telling me about how he used their shed to make chainmail for convention costumes and I was like wow. I can't imagine being so upfront with a stranger let alone people who actually know me. I wish I had that sense of freedom of identity.
-
I've written and deleted this thing a few times over now that I just want to finally get this written more than anything now.
Anyways I have been significantly more depressed than usual lately, which in itself is saying something since I am always depressed, but I haven't been able to pinpoint as to why. I could not form the words to express why until yesterday. While I was trying to take a nap my brain kept shouting at me to write something so I grabbed my notebook and began free writing. Apparently my hands knew something my brain didn't because in that stream of consciousness I found myself writing the phrase "I don't wake because it's tomorrow, I wake because I'm forced to".
And that's what kind of broke me: the realization that I am not living, but merely existing. I only exist in the most default existence. I "live" so day to day that, to me, tomorrow just doesn't exist. And from that epiphany came another realization, I am not only okay with but genuinely wish when I go to sleep I don't wake up ever again. And that is without a doubt the saddest thing I've ever written.
I have confessed prior that I don't really have much in the way of having any sort of will to live, my failed suicide attempt from last year that I've been keeping under wraps sans one person definitely attests to that, but actually coming face-to-face with writing that I, essentially, would prefer not existing any more hasn't been been the best realization to say the least.
But it does explain why I am having the hardest time functioning anymore. I've had days where I've been so depressed, so morbidly despising my own existence, that I've skipped a few classes and declined seeing my friends, neither of which has ever happened in years of miserable existence prior. The former of which has been significantly more problematic as of late though. As a result of feeling so nihilistic and devoid of meaning all the time I haven't just been missing classes, but can't bring myself to study much or even intentionally not doing homework because, to me in these moments, tomorrow doesn't exist. And the shittiest part? I'm lucid enough to realize I'm fucking up, pissing away what should be the best opportunity of my life and my last year of college but I can't shake it off, I never can.
To be more precise, I think the closest thing to a discernible goal in my otherwise bleak existence is living to distract myself. I'm never happy but if I pretend not to be always so miserable? Pretend I'm someone else? I can appear as the most normal motherfucker on the planet.
But in the end, I'm not normal. An amalgamation of deeply internalized hatred of being transgender combined with intense self loathing of being me has, I feel, isolated me from a good deal of humanity. Maybe beyond a point of no return? Even I'm not sure. The only thing I do remain rather sure of is the only thing I know will make me happy is essentially out of reach since coming out is tantamount to making my already razor's edge grasp on maintaining a sometimes not always terrible world will be lost. But on the other hand my current situation I can also safely say will never get any better. I just feel hopeless.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. It can't be a cry for help since I doubt my life has inherent meaning to warrant or even deserve "saving". But I feel compelled to do so and have deleted a message like this a few times already so fuck it.
-
Okay, this is kinda funny and sad.
Not too many years ago, whenever I met anyone on the internet (MMORPG's) or PSN, and we kinda became friends and they asked about where I live, I say US.
It all comes back to that time when a dude I kinda befriended went totally racist on me when he knew that I am from the Middle East.
Oh well, all of that happened around 3 or 4 years ago. soo it barely mean anything now.
-
I've written and deleted this thing a few times over now that I just want to finally get this written more than anything now.
Ive been feeling like this as of late myself, no goal in life, no friends, no one in my life, just fucking existing day to day. Been feeling insanely lonely and depressed and yet I have no clue how to fix it but I'm trying. I mean all you can do is try. There must be something in your life that you have feelings for. I have a passion for video games so I decided this month to go to college at 27 to take a video game design and development course. That is not till next month but fuck I wake up in the morning and the first thought in my head is how fucking lonely I am. I sit around trying to think of ways to meet people and whatnot. I must be socially inept since Ive had no luck yet. Doesn't help to be poor either.
The only thing that has helped me is to find something you enjoy and pursue that in a way that can improve your life.
I'm hoping to meet some people in college and Ive got some other avenues on the go. That is the only thing keeping me going. I don't know how long I can stand being alone otherwise.
You mention coming out would make you happy, there is another way to look at it. Perhaps once you do you will be able to find other like wise people. I mean if your miserable with the world and people in it now what would be the real loss? I myself am trying to push myself out of my comfort zone to be more sociable, you have to to make change in your life. Its sounds like that is the source of alot of your depression, I don't what to say in regards to it. You are what you are, try embracing it in small steps. Fuck who knows in life.
-
I think a lot of people struggle with these kinds of feelings. It's sad that reaching out sometimes seems so impossible, when for all you know there are people around you feeling the very same way who also feel they can't speak out about it.
I think making yourself keep a journal really helps. I've been struggling with similar issues for a long time, and even though I feel a bit silly about the idea of it beforehand, it feels like a weight off your shoulders when you sit down and tangle out all the mess in your head just by getting it down on paper. It helps you see your mental state from a more objective perspective; for me at least, it helps me see that my emotional reactions are at times completely irrational and out of scale to actual negative events or pressures. A lot of it comes from just beating myself up in my own head. Rereading what you wrote helps you see how much of the pain is really from the outside world, as opposed to how much of it is self-inflicted, coming from your own insecurities and harsh judgements of yourself.
It also helps just having one or two people who you can really confide in. Particularly if going through a whole grand coming out spectacle is just not right for you in this point of your life. It can really help just being your authentic self and having those closest to you accept you and support you for that.
In terms of meeting people - doing a course is a great idea. Other things like getting a part time job etc can help as well, it just forces you to interact with and get along with a whole bunch of people that you wouldn't have otherwise encountered. Or moving into a flat with a bunch of people you don't know. Also setting up a routine for yourself is really good for your mental health and self-worth, for example daily exercise, going for walks etc.
I think sometimes depression can come from that feeling that your life is empty. That is something that you have the power to change. I'm trying to take small steps like this myself. It's fucking hard. But I'm struggling through day by day trying not take it too hard if I don't get it right every time. The key is an upward trajectory; you can't change yourself and your entire life overnight, but you can certainly change some small thing for the better every day.
-
I've written and deleted this thing a few times over now that I just want to finally get this written more than anything now.
Anyways I have been significantly more depressed than usual lately, which in itself is saying something since I am always depressed, but I haven't been able to pinpoint as to why. I could not form the words to express why until yesterday. While I was trying to take a nap my brain kept shouting at me to write something so I grabbed my notebook and began free writing. Apparently my hands knew something my brain didn't because in that stream of consciousness I found myself writing the phrase "I don't wake because it's tomorrow, I wake because I'm forced to".
And that's what kind of broke me: the realization that I am not living, but merely existing. I only exist in the most default existence. I "live" so day to day that, to me, tomorrow just doesn't exist. And from that epiphany came another realization, I am not only okay with but genuinely wish when I go to sleep I don't wake up ever again. And that is without a doubt the saddest thing I've ever written.
I have confessed prior that I don't really have much in the way of having any sort of will to live, my failed suicide attempt from last year that I've been keeping under wraps sans one person definitely attests to that, but actually coming face-to-face with writing that I, essentially, would prefer not existing any more hasn't been been the best realization to say the least.
But it does explain why I am having the hardest time functioning anymore. I've had days where I've been so depressed, so morbidly despising my own existence, that I've skipped a few classes and declined seeing my friends, neither of which has ever happened in years of miserable existence prior. The former of which has been significantly more problematic as of late though. As a result of feeling so nihilistic and devoid of meaning all the time I haven't just been missing classes, but can't bring myself to study much or even intentionally not doing homework because, to me in these moments, tomorrow doesn't exist. And the shittiest part? I'm lucid enough to realize I'm fucking up, pissing away what should be the best opportunity of my life and my last year of college but I can't shake it off, I never can.
To be more precise, I think the closest thing to a discernible goal in my otherwise bleak existence is living to distract myself. I'm never happy but if I pretend not to be always so miserable? Pretend I'm someone else? I can appear as the most normal motherfucker on the planet.
But in the end, I'm not normal. An amalgamation of deeply internalized hatred of being transgender combined with intense self loathing of being me has, I feel, isolated me from a good deal of humanity. Maybe beyond a point of no return? Even I'm not sure. The only thing I do remain rather sure of is the only thing I know will make me happy is essentially out of reach since coming out is tantamount to making my already razor's edge grasp on maintaining a sometimes not always terrible world will be lost. But on the other hand my current situation I can also safely say will never get any better. I just feel hopeless.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. It can't be a cry for help since I doubt my life has inherent meaning to warrant or even deserve "saving". But I feel compelled to do so and have deleted a message like this a few times already so fuck it.
i didn't know that happened last year. Kind of annoyed we've got this thing going on whatever it is between you and me thats probably prevented me from being able to offer some advice or support. I won't go into that now though..
…as for the whole feeling of self hatred, isolation, meaning and not wanting to wake up. Obviously it isn't just one thing, but in my eyes you've made yourself too detached or maybe even just written yourself and others off due to them not having shared common interests, or maybe even gender orientated stuff. Either way it's not too hard to suss out why you are unhappy, what is causing it and how to find a solution....whether or not you take it is down to you.
If I was you I'd look at different hobbies that interest you and see if you can share that with other like minded people....offline. Really put yourself out there and make yourself accessible to others. I guess this is largely just a possible fix for airing out the cobwebs with socialising and friendship.
The meaning of life answer isn't something easily found. And to be honest I doubt many people on their death bed would have an answer either. I think it's best to wipe away the pressure you put on yourself and take it slowly instead of this burden you currently live under.
I put a similar pressure on myself at 16 and made the wrong choice from family/career pressure. This happened a few more times down the line until I realised one day that they can go fuck themselves....I'm doing what makes me happy, no matter how long it takes to find. The whole ageing process nowadays really isn't a smooth ride for most.
If I were you, I would focus on your education for the rest of the year, spend some time outside your safety net socialising and enjoying any given hobby....then have a year off somewhere far away to unwind and find yourself. Most of my mates have gone to Cambodia, Thailand, Vietnam, new zealand etc travelling after the years of education.
Maybe it could do your some good.
Anyway to sum it all up: you've gone through a lot the past three years. You are at the hardest part of your education, have had gender issues, feel lost and obviously can't relate or share yourself with enough people around you. You need a break from it all. Forget the pressure, forget the questions. Just wrap up this year and set your heart of working towards having some time off that just focuses on you and your peace of mind.
Side note: I would type something better, but I'm still refusing to make any effort with this notebook. No lengthy posts or quality shall be given :P
-
I confess to being extremely paranoid about sharing my interests, mainly with my family, because I'm afraid of being made fun of.
I'm the exact same way.
I also wanted to add something here but I have a tendency to go "but mine's worse because X" which I find can sometimes seem a bit like you're trying to beat the other person's problem, so I won't.
-
@NER:
Okay, this is kinda funny and sad.
Not too many years ago, whenever I met anyone on the internet (MMORPG's) or PSN, and we kinda became friends and they asked about where I live, I say US.
It all comes back to that time when a dude I kinda befriended went totally racist on me when he knew that I am from the Middle East.
Oh well, all of that happened around 3 or 4 years ago. soo it barely mean anything now.
lol I lie about my location too, but more because I can't be bothered to explain it geographically. Most people don't seem to understand that England doesn't just consist of London alone….. coughMericacough
-
I don't even know why I'm writing this. It can't be a cry for help since I doubt my life has inherent meaning to warrant or even deserve "saving". But I feel compelled to do so and have deleted a message like this a few times already so fuck it.
I don't think I can relate to you specific situation but this does make it seem like part of it is you're lonely and/or want someone to acknowledge your situation. Feeling like you have to post it is a good thing, IMO. But mostly I wanted to say there's no reason your life doesn't deserve "saving." I feel like an easy black hole to fall into is looking at your life and your "accomplishments" (meaning quantitatively/materially what you've done) and thinking there's nothing there to make you worthy of anything. That's not how life works or how life is valued. Also life changes and life is surprising and there's no knowing what the future will truly hold – unless you aren't around anymore to experience a future. If you can break yourself free from the (somewhat self-fulfilling prophecy of) misery and lethargy then there will be a bright light there, even if you can't see it now.
Ive been feeling like this as of late myself, no goal in life, no friends, no one in my life, just fucking existing day to day.
You know, sometimes I don't think existing day to day is the worst possible situation. For me it's often a legitimate coping mechanism – I tend to want to work or map things out far out into the future, and really have a starting point and end point for everything I do, but most of the time that's not possible and might even make me thing my life is going in the wrong direction or being wasted by not really progressing anywhere. Focusing on what's right in front of me kind of counterbalances all that and sort of snaps me back into reality, so to speak. When I'm in that mode I focus intensely on short-term goals and desires, which can be anything. Having an awesome dinner tonight. Watching a show. Being able to practice piano. Then maybe I extend it to looking forward to sleeping in on the weekend, or finding some movie to go out and see.
Now I know that when truly depressed even these simple things might seem pointless or even annoying, but at least with respect to valuing your life and your future that's how I frame it. I tend to convince myself that the future is the future and it'll work itself out eventually, with my help of course, but nonetheless. And really most of the positive things and advancements in my life have come unexpectedly or in ways out of my control. Almost nothing significant really goes how I imagine or plan, so I've come to give the future the benefit of the doubt, so to speak. As for having no goals at all long-term: for me it doesn't take much. The prospect of a family I can love/raise is all I really need.
@indigo~ink:
Also setting up a routine for yourself is really good for your mental health and self-worth, for example daily exercise, going for walks etc.
Not to diminish the rest of your post by only quoting this, but exercise and walking really do wonders. It just does so much for your mind and body in proven chemical ways, in addition to giving you something to focus on. To take you away from whatever else. And depending on the circumstances, give you some time to think with a change of setting (particularly true of walking). Other routines as well of course.
-
I've written and deleted this thing a few times over now that I just want to finally get this written more than anything now.
I know that we already talked about this, but I just want to reiterate a few things.
-
I'm feeling the same way as you are. Maybe not exactly the same way, but I am having suicidal ideations and I was going to post about them before I decided not to, much like you did the first few times.
-
Please… PLEASE don't die.
I've already been through this, and it hurts. I still blame myself for the death of one of my friends. When depression takes hold of you, I mean... I know that when it takes hold of me, it can be far too easy to forget that my suicide will have ripple effects, but just know that there are many people on these forums alone who would be absolutely devastated, including me. Not only that, but I know that you would be missing out on so many good memories that are yet to come. While I can't say that I fully believe this for myself, I guess I should say that life CAN get better. You DO deserve to live, and you deserve to be happy... Please answer my texts...
I don't know if it's okay to ask other people to help her out, or to help me out, or whatever.
-
-
@NER:
Okay, this is kinda funny and sad.
Not too many years ago, whenever I met anyone on the internet (MMORPG's) or PSN, and we kinda became friends and they asked about where I live, I say US.
It all comes back to that time when a dude I kinda befriended went totally racist on me when he knew that I am from the Middle East.
Oh well, all of that happened around 3 or 4 years ago. soo it barely mean anything now.
Fuck him, the Middle East is awesome.
And please dont die RPG Jay. I know we've had our differences, mainly me being an asshole. But you are awesome and we are your friends.
-
Fuck him, the Middle East is awesome.
And please dont die RPG Jay. I know we've had our differences, mainly me being an asshole. But you are awesome and we are your friends.
i don't know why but that avatar is creepin me the fuck out.
-
Fuck him, the Middle East is awesome.
Thanks.
I don't even know why I cared. its true that I was young and the whole thing was new to me but still, he was a complete idiot and I knew it
Like, he thought that the whole Middle east is just two or three countries or something.
-
Reading this thread sometimes feels like looking at my past (at some moment or another). When I look back it seems like I've been in constant hell of loneliness, rejection, self hate or inability how to deal with things since I was about 9 till I was about 19. Technically I know that this is not true as I had many good moments as well, but they are hardly ever as vibrant in memory as low points. Granted I still have issues that resurface from time to time.
That's why I know: You people, Jay, Crystal, Dan, you are damn strong. Everybody who is struggling, listen, you are strong. Every time you decide to wake up you have small victory. And you know, you are growing. It may not seem that way, but you are growing as people, to be more understanding of yourselves and of other people, to be stronger and more durable.
I can tell this from my experience, as I've been in many dark places inside my mind, once I was able to put things into perspective I realised that my experience made me into who I am today, and that I have things in my character that I assign great value to. And those developed when I was in great psychological pain and because that pain. Oddly enough I grow to cherish my darkest moments. I know that you will also find your own way of dealing with depression and your own important things, that you gain from the experience. It's probably awful to write all this since you're in the dark right now and you feel hurt or meaningless, but to me you are beautiful like gleaming gems forgotten in the cellar or wild garden sleeping in the winter, but when spring comes will blossom with most wonderful flowers.
Honestly, I'm happy I've been born into same world you have been and I feel proud I'm member of same forum and fandom. -
I've written and deleted this thing a few times over now that I just want to finally get this written more than anything now.
i dont know you
neither had problems like that
also i dont have much life experience, but anyway:Anyways I have been significantly more depressed than usual lately, which in itself is saying something since I am always depressed, but I haven't been able to pinpoint as to why. I could not form the words to express why until yesterday. While I was trying to take a nap my brain kept shouting at me to write something so I grabbed my notebook and began free writing. Apparently my hands knew something my brain didn't because in that stream of consciousness I found myself writing the phrase "I don't wake because it's tomorrow, I wake because I'm forced to".
And that's what kind of broke me: the realization that I am not living, but merely existing. I only exist in the most default existence. I "live" so day to day that, to me, tomorrow just doesn't exist. And from that epiphany came another realization, I am not only okay with but genuinely wish when I go to sleep I don't wake up ever again. And that is without a doubt the saddest thing I've ever written.
i'm glad you wrote it~ i'm sure people's posts will help you.
so, dont you have dreams? even the stupidest ones and ones which are difficult to achieve, cause trying to achieve it is the best thing about dreams, and imo it may give you the reason to liveand that merely existing isnt that uncommon thing nowdays i think, nothing's wrong about it, since your life needs awhile to change, dont judge it by days.
I have confessed prior that I don't really have much in the way of having any sort of will to live, my failed suicide attempt from last year that I've been keeping under wraps sans one person definitely attests to that, but actually coming face-to-face with writing that I, essentially, would prefer not existing any more hasn't been been the best realization to say the least.
please, never do that again. never.
why would you give up about life so easily? when you havent even lived most part of it? if you were to live for 40-50 years in depression, and then find your happiness, wouldnt it be worth?
just wait, no matter what happens, and be strong ^^
you need to be strong to find happiness and to actually live, by living like that you kill chances of it.But it does explain why I am having the hardest time functioning anymore. I've had days where I've been so depressed, so morbidly despising my own existence, that I've skipped a few classes and declined seeing my friends, neither of which has ever happened in years of miserable existence prior. The former of which has been significantly more problematic as of late though. As a result of feeling so nihilistic and devoid of meaning all the time I haven't just been missing classes, but can't bring myself to study much or even intentionally not doing homework because, to me in these moments, tomorrow doesn't exist. And the shittiest part? I'm lucid enough to realize I'm fucking up, pissing away what should be the best opportunity of my life and my last year of college but I can't shake it off, I never can.
you must just have the will to force yourself to do it, just for the later result, but i know first you need to defeat this depression, since i cant do anything like studying even when i'm just sad.
To be more precise, I think the closest thing to a discernible goal in my otherwise bleak existence is living to distract myself. I'm never happy but if I pretend not to be always so miserable? Pretend I'm someone else? I can appear as the most normal motherfucker on the planet.
never try to be someone else, it wont bring happiness, and it will make you feel even worse.
But in the end, I'm not normal. An amalgamation of deeply internalized hatred of being transgender combined with intense self loathing of being me has, I feel, isolated me from a good deal of humanity. Maybe beyond a point of no return? Even I'm not sure. The only thing I do remain rather sure of is the only thing I know will make me happy is essentially out of reach since coming out is tantamount to making my already razor's edge grasp on maintaining a sometimes not always terrible world will be lost. But on the other hand my current situation I can also safely say will never get any better. I just feel hopeless.
like i said, i dont understand that situation quite well.
But you know, i live in a country, where lot of people are homophobes, and i dont even wanna imagine, what typical ones would do if they met you.
So i think people in other countries are more understanding but you had hard life i suppose.
back to topic: you're lonely, aint you? I mean do you have someone, with whom you can talk to about anything you feel?
And you feel that you arent accepted by people, i suppose. But do you really need it? I mean all that matters isnt how many people love and accept you, but how much do they do it. If you already have ones, just care about their opinions. If not, find 'em~I don't even know why I'm writing this. It can't be a cry for help since I doubt my life has inherent meaning to warrant or even deserve "saving". But I feel compelled to do so and have deleted a message like this a few times already so fuck it.
you just wanted to talk it out and hope you felt better^^
And saving is something that you must do yourself. All you need is just first step, to show you the direction.P.s. seriously one day i wanna read/hear that you're really happy with your life, think that hating it was wrong, and you're glad that you're alive~
-
Now I know that when truly depressed even these simple things might seem pointless or even annoying, but at least with respect to valuing your life and your future that's how I frame it. I tend to convince myself that the future is the future and it'll work itself out eventually, with my help of course, but nonetheless. And really most of the positive things and advancements in my life have come unexpectedly or in ways out of my control. Almost nothing significant really goes how I imagine or plan, so I've come to give the future the benefit of the doubt, so to speak. As for having no goals at all long-term: for me it doesn't take much. The prospect of a family I can love/raise is all I really need.
This is what I struggle with, I have a very active imagination and I come up with all these plans and shit. When things don't go how I imagine I just get more depressed, which only hurts my goals. I mean being depressed and miserable is not the right state of mind to meet people. I need to let go some. Just focus on small goals, look for opportunities, put myself out there and what happens happens.
Ive found walking to be very calming, especially when i went to a local park with trails and a river. If you look hard enough there are avenues out there to meet people. I found a hiking group, an anime group and the college I'm attending is a private one, very professional and small but there is a huge regular college close by. They have lots of groups and events. I haven't been to anything yet but its something to look forward to. Ive also looked into volunteering, no clue if thats a way to meet people but I will be doing something good with my time instead of sitting around being whatever.
I honestly don't know why this has come on so strong recently, Ive never felt this way in my life. Ive always been a loner, I fell into that lifestyle and certain events in my life only aided it over time. I guess I became used to it. In Aug. I went to FanExpo my first con experience, was awesome and literally the day after I just felt hugely depressed and that evolved into feeling lonely and all. It took me a month of just hardcore depression before I decided fuck, I'm 27 its time to do something with my life, time to find someone. Its been really hard but taking small steps and accomplishing those steps feels good. I feel like I'm moving forward.
It feels good talking about it, my older sister is the only person I feel like I can talk to in life but she has enough problems in her life. I don't want to stress her out or make her feel any worse with my own issues, kind of deal.
-
Damn, these posts. I wonder what it's like to feel empathy.
-
-
What are you…a robot?
Maybe? /shrug
Well, as long as it's the confession session, I may as well provide context. I've held my dog I've known for 13 years in my arms as he died and didn't shed a single tear. I've let my mother confess her suicidal feelings to me and cry into my shoulder and all I felt was awkward.
The fact that I leave these to single sentences shows how much they don't really mean anything to me. That or I'm afraid of expressing my true feelings, I can't tell.
-
Maybe you're a psychopath.~
-
The fact that I leave these to single sentences shows how much they don't really mean anything to me. That or I'm afraid of expressing my true feelings, I can't tell.
if it was later one, you'd still care about it, just wouldnt have been able to show it.
but since they dont mean anything to you, i have the same to say:
@Jazzy:Maybe you're a psychopath.~
-
There's more than one reason to be emotionally stunted.
-
I still get teary eyed every time I see a picture of my favorite dog that got given away. That was almost 2 years ago.
-
Yeah psychopathy works. I suppose I'll keep my inhumane opinions out of this thread then, just felt the need to express my envy of the ability to find comfort in other people.
-
Maybe? /shrug
Well, as long as it's the confession session, I may as well provide context. I've held my dog I've known for 13 years in my arms as he died and didn't shed a single tear. I've let my mother confess her suicidal feelings to me and cry into my shoulder and all I felt was awkward.
The fact that I leave these to single sentences shows how much they don't really mean anything to me. That or I'm afraid of expressing my true feelings, I can't tell.I can relate to that. I sometimes feel like some soulless bastard, lol.
Regardless, dying pets make me bawl my eyes out, since I know I can't be of any help and it's never easy letting your loved ones go.
-
I can relate to that. I sometimes feel like some soulless bastard, lol.
Regardless, dying pets make me bawl my eyes out, since I know I can't be of any help and it's never easy letting your loved ones go.
I'd like to think we all feel this way at some point in our lives, and it's just part of growing up. At my godfather/great-uncle's funeral, I didn't really feel sad at all. It was more or less feelings of "what's going on exactly?" than anything. I feel pretty bad about that… But what's done is done.:sad:
On a lighter note, I confess that my bangs really do cover my eyes in real life; going out in public, I either have to brush them aside, or curl them inward at the bottom with a flat iron. The avatar is pretty accurate. (…This probably isn't a good time to change the subject...) -.-;
-
Yeah psychopathy works. I suppose I'll keep my inhumane opinions out of this thread then, just felt the need to express my envy of the ability to find comfort in other people.
Not necessarily psychopathy, there's always a reason and it doesn't have to be that.
And it's alright to express those feelings. I don't think it's ever fair for anyone to judge other based on what they should or shouldn't feel. Of course, concern can be raised, but there's a line between expressing concern and judging.
I personally many times felt cold for not feeling too much or expressing it in times of death or anguish, but later on I realized it was more of the case that I grew up finding myself responsible for being a source of stability for others. So as a result I always distance myself and look at things logically so I can support others in my family that are more likely to crumble and express emotion. -
Mind you I was joking but while we're on the subject, I'm not of the mind that psychopathy is intrinsically evil. Come at me, psychologists.
Although, I apologize if it seemed like I was belittling your problems or attaching a label to you that you didn't want. To be frank, I have the same sort of issues. Although maybe not as prominently. I seem to be very unaffected by what would normally affect the people around me, like overly composed in certain situations.
My family has called me out on it multiple times, wondering why I'm not emoting very strongly and then I think to myself that there just doesn't seem to be a valid enough reason to react in such a strong manner. =P
It doesn't solve anything… And/Or it might not be as bad of a situation as it's being made out to be.
Like Noqanky said, being able to stay composed can prove to be a source of strength for the weaker willed members of your family and friends. On the flipside though, if you're completely incapable of empathy and have zero comprehension of the merits or purpose of it… please don't be offended by this or take this the wrong way but perhaps you could use therapy? There could be a deeper-seeded problem at play here that you might need to bring out to the open.
Perhaps something in your past that's secretly eating away at you. Mind you though, I'm just presenting both the lower end of the spectrum and the absolute extreme of the spectrum. So take it as you will.
-
Yeah psychopathy works. I suppose I'll keep my inhumane opinions out of this thread then, just felt the need to express my envy of the ability to find comfort in other people.
the main point is if you didnt really feel anything and those things were meaningless or just couldnt express your feelings
-
@Jazzy:
Mind you I was joking but while we're on the subject, I'm not of the mind that psychopathy is intrinsically evil. Come at me, psychologists.
Although, I apologize if it seemed like I was belittling your problems or attaching a label to you that you didn't want. To be frank, I have the same sort of issues. Although maybe not as prominently. I seem to be very unaffected by what would normally affect the people around me, like overly composed in certain situations.
My family has called me out on it multiple times, wondering why I'm not emoting very strongly and then I think to myself that there just doesn't seem to be a valid enough reason to react in such a strong manner. =P
It doesn't solve anything… And/Or it might not be as bad of a situation as it's being made out to be.
Like Noqanky said, being able to stay composed can prove to be a source of strength for the weaker willed members of your family and friends. On the flipside though, if you're completely incapable of empathy and have zero comprehension of the merits or purpose of it… please don't be offended by this or take this the wrong way but perhaps you could use therapy? There could be a deeper-seeded problem at play here that you might need to bring out to the open.
Perhaps something in your past that's secretly eating away at you. Mind you though, I'm just presenting both the lower end of the spectrum and the absolute extreme of the spectrum. So take it as you will.
Haha, that earlier comment was completely serious. Someone like me shouldn't interact with the kind of people who would write paragraphs trying to convince someone they barely know not to commit suicide.
Hell, this post alone kind of baffles me. Although I appreciate the response, what does my problem really mean to you? If your interest is more scientific, that much I can understand. It's the main reason I read this thread, after all, since I'd probably never encounter most of these emotionally charged scenarios like romance or coping with loss or whatever.
Anyway, I've already tried therapy and psychiatry. Amusingly, the problem there is I don't care about the therapist enough to take any of his suggestions seriously.
-
Anyway, I've already tried therapy and psychiatry. Amusingly, the problem there is I don't care about the therapist enough to take any of his suggestions seriously.
you're an interesting guy, in a good way
-
square, you are fine. The fact, that you ponder the matter of your apparent lack of empathy and bring it in a discussion proves that it has some meaning for you. Moreover you seem to see it in a positive light as a way to get in touch with other people and that also means you value human contact. The fact that you heard your Mother out and stayed by her as she cried, even though you felt awkward is a display of empathy by itself. If not for that, you would have gone to do something more interesting and less uncomfortable. You may not feel the same way about stuff as anybody else, you may not experience emotion the way majority people do, but that doesn't mean you are completely devoid of and that doesn't mean you are any less of a human than rest of us or less right to post here.
-
So I apologised before about going AWOL but it turns out I jumped the gun. Just as I was getting back into the swing of things, I got an urgent message from a colleague. Apparently word was out about my depression having taken a major toll on my workload, and I was moreorless informed that unless I did about a month's work within a week, I'd lose both my reference and a month's pay. It was fair, given I really hadn't been doing anywhere near as well as I had been, but it also meant that to save my skin, I needed to severely trim my online activities. So after saying I was back from having vanished everywhere, I vanished again. I am the Invisible Woman, I swear.
Then after being away from here for a while, I got a little afraid to come back because I was concerned about all I'd missed, as well as feeling a bit bummed because I can't afford a 3DS and Pokemon X/Y while unemployed and so I couldn't take part in the Pokemon discussions with people that I was doing before and bleh. I know it all sounds daft, but with mental health stuff, it really is a set of dominoes. One thing sets off another to another until you're actively distracting yourself with books and games all day because it becomes daunting to deal with the mess you've created.
And I may or may not still be playing in the Big Brother RP with some folk from here. Perhaps I got evicted already.
I'm not expecting people to necessarily reply to this - I don't necessarily deserve it anyhow - but the explanation is there for those who are wondering.
-
@Print:
I'm not expecting people to necessarily reply to this - I don't necessarily deserve it anyhow - but the explanation is there for those who are wondering.
I was wondering about it.
Welcome back, excellent poster. =)
-
@Jazzy:
I was wondering about it.
Welcome back, excellent poster. =)
Not so sure I deserve that title after so much time away, but thanks :)
-
Since sharing your interests was discussed a few pages back here, I have to say that I got more comfortable with it over time. It's not like I talk about it much with people or at all, but if I'm being asked, I say what I like. Okay, when I'm asked about my hobby I often at first only say "reading" although I read mostly manga and I don't mention just how much affection I have for it, but I have no problem reading manga in public or something like that anymore. Honestly, when I'm doing latter I actually hope that maybe another person with similar interests could approach me, but that has never really happened yet. I actually wish I had any real life friends with more of the same hobbies that I have…
Which brings me to my next problem: I guess I don't have it to easy making new friends. Not that I have none, but I only met those, because of school e.g., where you over the time just have to get to know these people. Problem is that I'm very shy, when it comes to people I don't or only hardly know. I can be rather outgoing, if I'm around people I know really well, but if I don't I find it rather hard to approach them. I guess, I always overthink what bad things could happen by only talking to someone. I've become better over the years, however I still get more or less uncomfortable, if I have to speak to strangers or something - even if they probably would be totally fine with it.
Another little confession of me would be that I would really like to become a person able to inspire others by things I'm going to do. Like by standing up for a cause or doing something very charitable.
-
@Print:
Stuff
I'm sorry that you have a hard time Print Error, but I'm glad you are back!
I can't buy you a 3DS to talk with the Pokemon people, but maybe this one can help you pass the time till you can afford one.
!
-
I'm sorry that you have a hard time Print Error, but I'm glad you are back!
I can't buy you a 3DS to talk with the Pokemon people, but maybe this one can help you pass the time till you can afford one.
Aww, thanks XD
Maybe I can get a job, get the Pokemon stuff, maybe I can't. Won't be the end of the world. More important I focus on not falling foul of the increasingly draconian benefit sanctions over here. In the 'Jobseekers' Info Session' I was forced to attend last week, one man almost burst into tears when told he couldn't leave the country to visit his sick father without having his benefits cut do to 'holidaymaking' and a Syrian refugee who barely spoke any English seemed terrified when told he couldn't be in education of over 16 hours of a week or the same thing.
-
@Print:
Not so sure I deserve that title after so much time away, but thanks :)
I personally dislike any sort of a title. I just find it odd thinking of a scenario meeting someone I met here in real life and saying something like, "wow, you made some good posts" like it's some sort of competitive thing like kicking a football once, scoring fifty goals and winning a game. But really, it's nice hearing from you. Take as much time as you need to get your life together.
-
i should hang out with hiroy sometime when i go up to miami next
i want to talk about posts in real life
like, "yeah that's a real good poster" or "yeah that poster has some real epic wins"
I plan to do that for about four hours.
-
That's a thing a needs to happen. Without the irony too.
-
@Print:
So I apologised before about going AWOL but it turns out I jumped the gun. Just as I was getting back into the swing of things, I got an urgent message from a colleague. Apparently word was out about my depression having taken a major toll on my workload, and I was moreorless informed that unless I did about a month's work within a week, I'd lose both my reference and a month's pay. It was fair, given I really hadn't been doing anywhere near as well as I had been, but it also meant that to save my skin, I needed to severely trim my online activities. So after saying I was back from having vanished everywhere, I vanished again. I am the Invisible Woman, I swear.
Then after being away from here for a while, I got a little afraid to come back because I was concerned about all I'd missed, as well as feeling a bit bummed because I can't afford a 3DS and Pokemon X/Y while unemployed and so I couldn't take part in the Pokemon discussions with people that I was doing before and bleh. I know it all sounds daft, but with mental health stuff, it really is a set of dominoes. One thing sets off another to another until you're actively distracting yourself with books and games all day because it becomes daunting to deal with the mess you've created.
And I may or may not still be playing in the Big Brother RP with some folk from here. Perhaps I got evicted already.
I'm not expecting people to necessarily reply to this - I don't necessarily deserve it anyhow - but the explanation is there for those who are wondering.
Hey it's never too late to come back and post. :)
-
It's nights like this when I wish I had someone to cry into.
-
It's nights like this when I wish I had someone to cry into.
I know this doesn't mean all that much really, but I hope you find that someone, and I hope you feel better soon.