Incoming wall of text.. haven't even written anything (at this point), and I know it will be wayyy too long so bear with me.
To understand some of my crazy reasoning when it comes to love, you kind of have to know how I grew up. I was a late bloomer, and when I reached high school, I looked at least 2 years younger than everyone else. I had always been shorter than everyone, and didn't end up hitting my growing spurt until my sophomore year. When I finally aged to the point where people weren't literally saying "that guy looks like a 6th grader" I had moved to a different state due to my father's work. Making friends wasn't an issue when I lived in AZ, as I had so many years to do so, and had made many amazing friends that understood the fact that I just hadn't matured yet (I'm taller than most of those friends now, it's funny how things turn out). In Utah, the state I currently live in, certainly is full of some very nice people, as I'm sure many of you can guess why, because of the LDS there. I made a couple friends my sophomore year and that was enough for me. Because of this move, I guess I went into my reclusive anime/video game world that I currently still reside in. This happened around my junior when I had finally started to look the same age as some of the people around me, but still not at a junior looking appearance. My self esteem was pretty low then, and I had crushes here and there, but I still had this maturity problem to deal with.
The first time I ever asked a girl out, irl, was my senior year. At that point in time my self esteem was still pretty low, but my friends convinced me that it would be worth it to go to the prom. I ended up asking a girl who had already gotten asked. I had known her for about half a year, and had talked to her here and there, so it didn't seem like a horrible decision to ask her. Of course I got rejected in the sense that I wasn't going to prom with her, but she did ask me out to Sadie Hawkins. The guy she was going to prom with was from another school, and took no part in the planning of the event, so I thought there was a chance for us as she was pretty bitter at him. The date went well in the sense that it was fun for both of us, but we didn't really click, and I didn't really connect that part in my mind. It was a group date, and I kind of figured out during the date that there was yet another guy in the equation and that she probably liked him, not me.
During the date we might not have connected, but over texting we really did, so I was confused as to what to think at that point. We shared a ton in common, and that didn't really help me piece together what was going on; our personalities ended up being completely different though. I had been trying to be subtle to ask if she was even interested in me at all, and if there was any point in continuing. Any mention of the other guy or what she even felt about me and she would get upset or give me the same indirect answers she had been giving me before. I got tired of how indirect and avoiding she was being on the subject, so I straight up asked her one day, is there any point in me continuing to bug you or should I leave you alone for your sake? It wasn't worded like that, but the meaning might as well have been worse than that. To say the least I didn't get a great response from her. I had been trying pretty hard for her sake to find out so I could just leave her alone, not because I was obsessed with her. I think that's the message she ended up getting though, that I was obsessed with her, and that whole situation was a mess. I'm still pretty glad I had gotten out of that sticky situation then and there, as how indirect she was being really killed any feelings I once had for her. The whole getting asked out by her made no sense either, why would someone ask someone else out if not because she was interested in him? The only thing I've been able to come up to this day is that that was the Utah nice way of rejecting someone, and that the date was just so I wouldn't feel bad. Personally I would never date someone just because I felt sorry for them, that would only hurt them more if I led her into believing I liked her. Maybe being two different religions could have been what did it too, but I can't see that being such a huge barrier and causing something like that.
Before this failure of a date, I had online dated once..(I know.. here comes the hate) and we both happened to be pretty young and inexperienced. We dated on and off for 3 years, I suppose it was more of a thing to pass by the time, and for fun because of the fact that it was long distance. As it was a fairly long time ago, I don't even remember what we had in common other than the game we both had been playing. It was an amazing experience throughout the whole thing, but ultimately as it was a long distance relationship and we both were too young to drive or other such things there wasn't much of a way to do anything with the way we felt for each other. Our lack of shared interests eventually drove us apart, and it ended my junior year. I have very fond memories of that relationship, and my only regret is that I hadn't tried to keep in touch with her, as she used to be one of my best friends even when we weren't dating.
Now with all my Mormon friends on their missions while I'm at college, I guess I could be called a loner. If there's anything holding me back from having a social life, it's the fact that I live an hour away from where I receive my education from, which I plan to change this fall semester. If there's anything from keeping me from asking a girl out is the fact that I feel like I have to look absolutely perfect physically in order to be confident enough. Small amounts of acne and the fact that my teeth aren't pearly white are the two things causing this feeling lol.. so trivial yeah yeah… I know I'm quite the looker aside from those two things, and I'm not being boastful or cocky by saying that, it's mentally what is holding me back. If I wasn't such an introvert or had low self esteem I'd be having the time of my life. Part of it is that I love anime and Japanese culture, and I don't want to let that go by dating someone. It also doesn't help that I'm having a ton of family issues, or that my parents are setting such limitations on me (which is why I'm planning on moving out in the fall). I could go on and on about my problems in life, so I'll end it there. Venting alone already has helped me with some of these problems, so maybe this will help me actually do something with what I've written. Congratulations for whoever made it through my wall of text despite not even knowing who I am, I appreciate it to whoever read it, even if I don't get a response crickets chirping.