Huge party yesterday. Had a lot of fun. Everyone getting fucked up. Almost everyone. But I said something…. stupid, and I regret it. Gonna go to talk to my friend to whom i said this tomorrow at school because I don't think talking about it on facebook works the same... man I do some stupid shit but this one took the cake
Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD
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I just want to die. Everything I did was a huge mistake. No matter how hard I tried to be happy in these past two days, it was all bitter. I don't want to live anymore. I'm not able to. I'm bad person and that's why no one wants to be with me.
I've written something about it but the gist of it is: you don't deserve to think of yourself this way (if that makes sense).
You're realy not to blame here, because no one can tell you what exactly is going to happen.
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Anytime I'm in a "fuck .. life is shit" mood I like to expose myself to something dismal. If I'm near my computer I just go to YouTube and watch 1984, scenes from Network, or something in regard to "the world is coming to an end". It helps me to feel better, like every single time! I don't have to force myself to be happy. Trying to feel happier when you are far from it ain't gonna work for everyone.
One other lil secret… I'm black so one of the other "dismal" contents I watch are KKK videos or Nazi Germany. It's funny now that I think about it...
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Anytime I'm in a "fuck .. life is shit" mood I like to expose myself something dismal. If I'm near my computer I just go to YouTube and watch 1984, scenes from Network, or something in regard to "the world is coming to an end". It helps me to feel better, like every single time! I don't have to force myself to be happy. Trying to feel happier when you are far from it ain't gonna work for everyone.
One other lil secret… I'm black so one of the other "dismal" contents I watch are KKK videos or Nazi Germany. It's funny now that I think about it...
Nothing against you, but I found this very depressing for some reason. Just the idea that seeing something even more depressing being an efficacious strategy sounds kinda off. Doesn't sound like my cup of coffee, but certainly there are different ways to cope with despair.
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Nothing against you, but I found this very depressing for some reason. Just the idea that seeing something even more depressing being an efficacious strategy sounds kinda off. Doesn't sound like my cup of coffee, but certainly there are different ways to cope with despair.
I think watching dismal stuff when I'm in a depressing mood helps due to the fact that it pushes that point of "Bad things exist in life… things can be bad today.. good next week... bad at the end of the month.. and great at the end of the year".
If I watch something happy, just for the sake of feeling better, it feels as if I'm running away from "the bad" in the world. I just need to look at it, realize that it will be there for life, but it wont be there all the time! Everyone goes through bad things… it's just life.
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That sounds incrediably boring. I rather watch that stuff out of interest rather than… that.
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I kind of enjoyed seeing this thread die for a while. it felt like we all had our happy times sync up…..
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I'm sorry for the morning post. It was a little too dark and all. I'm still finding my way to deal with everything around me, and it is likely that I've just found the method of doing so.
Nowadays I often feel shitty because as I see it, I'm not worth that much. I'm trying to somehow be a cool friend to my pals, getting closer to them, but in the meantime, I'm sort of loosing my personality. Plus, it's not working (of course it isn't).
Yesterday something happened that I somehow couldn't sleep out. Thus, the early morning thing today. You were all right Kenny, CCC and Maam though.
Still, it at least made me find a new direction which might not be the best yet, but it's definitely better than the latest one.
So, the whole thing revolved around my friends and especially the guy I love/admire. Mostly him. He acted so differently and it must've been unintentional, but he hurt me many times even though I tried my best to enjoy myself.Today, after breaking down in tears again, I decided not to go to school, but I realized I'll loose less if I just go. In school, there was three people who asked me if I was okay, one of them being a teacher who likes me a lot. The other two were classmates. It's interesting if I think about it. Two boy classmates asked just like that ("You okay?") and it actually made me feel better but also posed some questions in my mind about my friends.
On another note, I'm a little sorry that I told half of my life story to that boy. It might have been a mistake on my part. I'll be more cautious next time.
Right now, I have one important thing to do: accept myself. I still don't so I have to manage somehow.
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i woke up this morning, fussed the dog and let him upstairs, and then lay with him on my bed for a while until he nipped my nose and i sent him out.
after relaxing for a moment and reminding myself of today's tasks, i wanted to go and get some breakfast.
but instead of going downstairs, i just sat on the bed for a moment and started crying aloud. for no apparent reason. for about 5 minutes i was just sat there bawling.i have no idea where that came from, because i'm not upset about anything (to my knowledge).
it kinda creeped me out. >_> -
I'm at this point in my life….. where i have the chance to chase my dream, leave medicine, go back to the U.k. and hopefully get paid a good sum of money.
During the past 5 months i have been planning and writing an animated sitcom, something to be shown on Channel 4.
I have asked you guys for advice about this before...
http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=36469
It is done now… 26 pages, 5500 words.
But i am scared of sending it in....... and them telling me it is rubbish.... -
@bartholemew:
I'm at this point in my life….. where i have the chance to chase my dream, leave medicine, go back to the U.k. and hopefully get paid a good sum of money.
During the past 5 months i have been planning and writing an animated sitcom, something to be shown on Channel 4.
I have asked you guys for advice about this before...
http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=36469
It is done now… 26 pages, 5500 words.
But i am scared of sending it in....... and them telling me it is rubbish....They may well. The competition is stiff for those types of places.
The thing is, pretty much the history of any successful show or creative team/creator is always a series of rejections and failures. -
Something that every writer needs to get over if they want to be a professional is criticism. You will never please everyone, you will get criticized, and you will experience rejection.
But take solace in the fact that everyone does. And for every person that hates your work, if it's truly something of quality, you'll probably have 3 or 4 more that love it.
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Aw, Nolus, from short time perspective it's really hard to tell which life decisions were good ones, and which were the bad ones. And when you see in black, than usually all seems black. From what I've read you seem really depressed, and then one sees everything in blackest - all bad, no good, while it's not true.
I'm worried, that you feel like you are loosing your personality. I hope it's temporally feeling with no correspondence to how things actually are.
Just remember, you are cool, kind person, and we all here know it.
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@bartholemew:
I'm at this point in my life….. where i have the chance to chase my dream, leave medicine, go back to the U.k. and hopefully get paid a good sum of money.
During the past 5 months i have been planning and writing an animated sitcom, something to be shown on Channel 4.
I have asked you guys for advice about this before...
http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=36469
It is done now… 26 pages, 5500 words.
But i am scared of sending it in....... and them telling me it is rubbish....Hm, there is no point in holding on to it. Otherwise you will never know it will get rejected or not. Simply submit it and brace yourself for rejection. That way you can be prepared when/if it happens because the competition is pretty aggressive (yours will be among the hundred or possibly even thousands they reviewers will have to sift through. Most of them will probably be pure horseshit amateur work, but there are an ample amount of good ones they will have to deliberate upon.). Just submit it and see what happens just for kicks, but don't hold your breath.
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@bartholemew:
I'm at this point in my life….. where i have the chance to chase my dream, leave medicine, go back to the U.k. and hopefully get paid a good sum of money.
During the past 5 months i have been planning and writing an animated sitcom, something to be shown on Channel 4.
I have asked you guys for advice about this before...
http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=36469
It is done now… 26 pages, 5500 words.
But i am scared of sending it in....... and them telling me it is rubbish....Aloha inlanders! Nobody ever gets it right the first time. And if they do, then they don't know shit about anything. If they accept your script, take it in stride, but be wary, because if they reject it, you've got that much more experience and that much more room to improve. Who is the more accomplished man? He who succeeds at every thing he does? Or he who fails, but refuses not to try again and come back harder, better, faster, stronger?
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@Monkey:
Wait what the hell lol?
Did I miss something?Kitsune is cursed:
http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=36868&page=5&p=2760354&viewfull=1#post2760354 -
i have decided to hold on to it for a week. And keep on re-writing it. At least give them the best version i possibly can
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I think its pretty close to that time. The one where i fuck something up horrifically.
Im guessing sometime in the next week or so.
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So. Since a few weeks I have a weekly meeting with my school psychologist now. Okay, actually, I only had two so far.
But I like him. He's cool, he makes me feel awesome and I think he likes me too.
Now comes the troubles. Since I have him, I feel it's gotten WAY harder for me to function right. I have constant anger issues towards my teachers and forums. My psychologist says I need to let go of the past and I need to find my happiness. I need to find things that make me happy. My task is to give him answers next time to what makes me happy. And he gave me a little red stone that should reflect my happiness. I understand, that I need to put myself in the happy place more, but I also don't believe that the happy place will help me with my anger issues. I mean, if someone makes me mad, how am I supposed to snap out of it in that very moment? Like. I can't just do what makes me happy in the middle of the class. It's not like I can just go and read my book and listen to music to calm myself down.
My teachers of course notice the troubles I'm in. I had a talk with my class teacher and my english teacher. Both say, I have to let go of the past.
basically everyone is telling me I need to let go. The thing is, I feel like nobody actually understands that it's not that easy. I can't just snip my finger and I'm done with everything. And I feel I can't function anymore. And believe me, I wish I was easy. I wish I wouldn't feel all this anger and hate and could just function like a normal human being and be awesome in school. But I fail at it every day and I feel desperate.
My life so far has never given me the chance to fully come to terms with my past. I never had the chance to work on it.So, my question is: How do you let go? How do you stop being angry? How can you catch your breath again while angry without hurting anyone? Without making a scene?
I think, I want my teachers and people around me to touch me more with glass hands, but I also think that's selfish and too much to ask. I want understanding. But I feel like I'm not worth to get it. Or not allowed to get it. Or whatever. I know if I continue like this, I will get thrown out of school. And it's only 2 more months left so I don't want to destroy it.
I feel really desperate. To be honest, I wish I could just go into a clinic, fully confront everything bad from my past, scream, cry and hate, then let go and move on. But I can't.
And I absolutely HATE the fact that I'm here in this thread again with my dumb nonsense because I just fuckin can't get over it.
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So, my question is: How do you let go? How do you stop being angry? How can you catch your breath again while angry without hurting anyone? Without making a scene?
Contrary to what the guy may have said, try to just focus on the moment. And this isn't some amateur psychology BS, this is something that realy helped me when we had to leave our old place, where I spent 20 years of my life, and I didn't know when and where. I absolutely had to stop making any plans for the future or even look ahead at all and that actualy made me capable to function.
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So. Since a few weeks I have a weekly meeting with my school psychologist now. Okay, actually, I only had two so far.
But I like him. He's cool, he makes me feel awesome and I think he likes me too.
Now comes the troubles. Since I have him, I feel it's gotten WAY harder for me to function right. I have constant anger issues towards my teachers and forums. My psychologist says I need to let go of the past and I need to find my happiness. I need to find things that make me happy. My task is to give him answers next time to what makes me happy. And he gave me a little red stone that should reflect my happiness. I understand, that I need to put myself in the happy place more, but I also don't believe that the happy place will help me with my anger issues. I mean, if someone makes me mad, how am I supposed to snap out of it in that very moment? Like. I can't just do what makes me happy in the middle of the class. It's not like I can just go and read my book and listen to music to calm myself down.
My teachers of course notice the troubles I'm in. I had a talk with my class teacher and my english teacher. Both say, I have to let go of the past.
basically everyone is telling me I need to let go. The thing is, I feel like nobody actually understands that it's not that easy. I can't just snip my finger and I'm done with everything. And I feel I can't function anymore. And believe me, I wish I was easy. I wish I wouldn't feel all this anger and hate and could just function like a normal human being and be awesome in school. But I fail at it every day and I feel desperate.
My life so far has never given me the chance to fully come to terms with my past. I never had the chance to work on it.So, my question is: How do you let go? How do you stop being angry? How can you catch your breath again while angry without hurting anyone? Without making a scene?
I think, I want my teachers and people around me to touch me more with glass hands, but I also think that's selfish and too much to ask. I want understanding. But I feel like I'm not worth to get it. Or not allowed to get it. Or whatever. I know if I continue like this, I will get thrown out of school. And it's only 2 more months left so I don't want to destroy it.
I feel really desperate. To be honest, I wish I could just go into a clinic, fully confront everything bad from my past, scream, cry and hate, then let go and move on. But I can't.
And I absolutely HATE the fact that I'm here in this thread again with my dumb nonsense because I just fuckin can't get over it.
I can't say much as I haven't had to experience difficulties like these, but from what I read what you say makes a lot of sense. In my opinion it's really hard and downright impossible to let go of the past if you haven't actually dealt with it. There needs to be closure, otherwise it's going to keep coming back.
If you find yourself trusting this psychologist enough, I suggest you take all this that you have written, and tell him about it. It would show him that you are really willing and interested to move on and from that it will be easier for him to know how to help you and what things he says may not apply to you.
Aside from that, keep in mind it will take time and no one expects you to do it like taking off a band-aid. Or at least no one should. You deserve to give yourself time to recover and move on, and you also deserve to be able to converse to people about it and for them to understand your difficulties. So no need for feeling guilty about being here talking about this because, frankly, that's what this thread is for, and a lot of people here care and would be very eager to listen and help. -
I can't say much as I haven't had to experience difficulties like these, but from what I read what you say makes a lot of sense. In my opinion it's really hard and downright impossible to let go of the past if you haven't actually dealt with it. There needs to be closure, otherwise it's going to keep coming back.
If you find yourself trusting this psychologist enough, I suggest you take all this that you have written, and tell him about it. It would show him that you are really willing and interested to move on and from that it will be easier for him to know how to help you and what things he says may not apply to you.
Aside from that, keep in mind it will take time and no one expects you to do it like taking off a band-aid. Or at least no one should. You deserve to give yourself time to recover and move on, and you also deserve to be able to converse to people about it and for them to understand your difficulties.Thx for a helpful advise.
(no offence, nomaam, but what you said didn't really match with my situation and if I would not find a way to stop myself of sudden anger, I'd sooner or later land in prison.)
I am glad, you responded to me and you made me feel understood. Something I really feel I need at the moment and which i think I'm not getting enough (but hey, maybe I'm just too selfish).
Your response and therefore the effort you made for me, means a lot to me and I'm very happy, you replied.So no need for feeling guilty about being here talking about this because, frankly, that's what this thread is for, and a lot of people here care and would be very eager to listen and help.
in the risk of sounding like biggest bitch again. but if that's true, how come no one(apart from 2) made an effort so far to reply? Well, I guess I shouldn't expect help as long as I'm not giving any.
I had another bad encounter with my trouble teacher on friday. she made me cry and remember things I sure as hell don't want to remember when I sit at a sewing machine in the middle of class.
Before class I apologised in advance to my classmates inc ase I'd made a scene again and telling them that I sure as hell don't plan on it. They were all saying that they don't mind and that it's not their problem, but the teachers and mine and they won't hold it against me (most of them can't stand the teacher as well). And when I started shouting at the teacher to shut the fuck up and fuckin talkign to me, some of them yelled out my name in unison, which really helped me calm down. I did the kid thing and just, sat down, closed my eyes, put my hands on my ears and sang. I know it was childish, but it helped me calming down. This another of these things. I told the teacher to shut up because I DIDN'T want to explode because I knew the longer she'd talk, the more rage would build up. So I just wanted her to stop the crap. Because it would also have helped me calming down.And because I typed myself in talking mood, here's what made me so mad and made me cry the moment I calmed down
"I don't know who did something to you…"
"oh, lots of people, trust me"
"I don't know who did something to you-" "-as is said, lots of people." "but it surely wasn't me"
"Oh yes, you belong to them as well."
"Oh no, I've never done anything to you!"
"Yes, you did, you just don't realise it"
"I did nothing and you have to stop acting like this and behave yourself!"
"Oh whatever, just leave me alone."
"Listen to me when I talk to you! This is nor the time not the space to act like this."
"No, leave me alone, I don't want to hear any of your bullshit anymore!"
"You have to listen to me!"
"No, I don't."
"blablabla"
"Stop fuckin talking to me"and then when she didn't stop, my explosion came~
Later I wrote her a letter, telling her about me seeing a psychologist and my problems with her and that I want her to try to have more patience with me. She did try then but.. well, she's not the best in trying to say the least. After lunch break, I was asking her if I could go home (there was a time before where I didn't ask, apart from the fact that I NEVER ask teachers if I can go, I just say that I go and if I could have the yellow paper to fill in, because hey, I'm 23, I think I can decide myself when I don't feel well enough to be in school. but she took that very cruel and reported me. No other teacher ever did this, no other teacher was ever offended by the fact, that I wanted to go home and so did. But hey, just like I want her to try, I try too to follow her stupid rules.), I saw that she wanted to say no, but then she swalloed her no and said if I really don't feel well, I could go home. I had some piece of fabric in my hands, she took it from me, looked at it, gave me lots of critique again, told me how to do it (as if I didn't knew this already) and told me to sew there. So I went to my place, thought if I sew this now, I can go. Then I heard her say from the front, through the whole classroom, if I couldn't stay here as it's only 2more hours. I didn't reply, I just sewed my line and then slept the last 2hours. When class was over she said "I'm happy, you stayed, Sabrina." Yeah well, cuz it did me so good to stay, right? It made so much sense for me. But yeah, whatever, I guess she is trying. Even so she has the weirdest way of showing that.
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Thx for a helpful advise.
(no offence, nomaam, but what you said didn't really match with my situation and if I would not find a way to stop myself of sudden anger, I'd sooner or later land in prison.)
I am glad, you responded to me and you made me feel understood. Something I really feel I need at the moment and which i think I'm not getting enough (but hey, maybe I'm just too selfish).
Your response and therefore the effort you made for me, means a lot to me and I'm very happy, you replied.in the risk of sounding like biggest bitch again. but if that's true, how come no one(apart from 2) made an effort so far to reply? Well, I guess I shouldn't expect help as long as I'm not giving any.
I had another bad encounter with my trouble teacher on friday. she made me cry and remember things I sure as hell don't want to remember when I sit at a sewing machine in the middle of class.
Before class I apologised in advance to my classmates inc ase I'd made a scene again and telling them that I sure as hell don't plan on it. They were all saying that they don't mind and that it's not their problem, but the teachers and mine and they won't hold it against me (most of them can't stand the teacher as well). And when I started shouting at the teacher to shut the fuck up and fuckin talkign to me, some of them yelled out my name in unison, which really helped me calm down. I did the kid thing and just, sat down, closed my eyes, put my hands on my ears and sang. I know it was childish, but it helped me calming down. This another of these things. I told the teacher to shut up because I DIDN'T want to explode because I knew the longer she'd talk, the more rage would build up. So I just wanted her to stop the crap. Because it would also have helped me calming down.And because I typed myself in talking mood, here's what made me so mad and made me cry the moment I calmed down
"I don't know who did something to you…"
"oh, lots of people, trust me"
"I don't know who did something to you-" "-as is said, lots of people." "but it surely wasn't me"
"Oh yes, you belong to them as well."
"Oh no, I've never done anything to you!"
"Yes, you did, you just don't realise it"
"I did nothing and you have to stop acting like this and behave yourself!"
"Oh whatever, just leave me alone."
"Listen to me when I talk to you! This is nor the time not the space to act like this."
"No, leave me alone, I don't want to hear any of your bullshit anymore!"
"You have to listen to me!"
"No, I don't."
"blablabla"
"Stop fuckin talking to me"and then when she didn't stop, my explosion came~
Later I wrote her a letter, telling her about me seeing a psychologist and my problems with her and that I want her to try to have more patience with me. She did try then but.. well, she's not the best in trying to say the least. After lunch break, I was asking her if I could go home (there was a time before where I didn't ask, apart from the fact that I NEVER ask teachers if I can go, I just say that I go and if I could have the yellow paper to fill in, because hey, I'm 23, I think I can decide myself when I don't feel well enough to be in school. but she took that very cruel and reported me. No other teacher ever did this, no other teacher was ever offended by the fact, that I wanted to go home and so did. But hey, just like I want her to try, I try too to follow her stupid rules.), I saw that she wanted to say no, but then she swalloed her no and said if I really don't feel well, I could go home. I had some piece of fabric in my hands, she took it from me, looked at it, gave me lots of critique again, told me how to do it (as if I didn't knew this already) and told me to sew there. So I went to my place, thought if I sew this now, I can go. Then I heard her say from the front, through the whole classroom, if I couldn't stay here as it's only 2more hours. I didn't reply, I just sewed my line and then slept the last 2hours. When class was over she said "I'm happy, you stayed, Sabrina." Yeah well, cuz it did me so good to stay, right? It made so much sense for me. But yeah, whatever, I guess she is trying. Even so she has the weirdest way of showing that.
It's not so much that people don't care, but that it is very easy for everyone to be absorbed in their own life. During the week I struggle to be on APforums, and as much as I like the people here sometimes I have to value sleep and time for playing games more and can't bring myself to catching up with pages and pages of posts. Only today I had time and saw there was a new post in this thread, had time to read and think of how to vocalize my thoughts and respond.
I'm sure everyone else in here has tough difficulties to face, and that makes it tough to really give a response that's been given the time it deserves, just like you gave your time to express yourself.As for your story, I can say that many times I find myself on the opposing side (being a teacher) and it is very easy to fall into the trap of trying to have the last word when the actual best thing you could do is actually shut up and give the students space. I guess it might be because they try to train teachers to not give in to students so that there's no perception from them that it's a sign of weakness, so when a student asks you to stop talking to them the first instinct is "hey, you're not supposed to tell me what to do …, I'll do the opposite to prove my point!" It's a very stupid mentality to have and can escalate issues a lot, and personally I feel I've been working on not doing that to my students.
Likewise, teachers get very protective of their students. It genuinely angers me when other people consider my students as failures or "nasty kids", when in fact they're not the ones who know them or work with them. So that mentality that having you there means you'll be better and safer is another weird conclusion that teachers develop ... "hey, if she's here she may pick up something and learn from it, or at least be safe from the crap happening outside!" It usually works in that it leads me to sending kids to the office or to detention less and actually negotiating and trying to understand them, but really ... sometimes it's good to just be somewhere else ...
Idk, I hope my assumptions are correct and her mistakes are from caring and not knowing how to do things properly. Because then that means she should get better as she learns from you.
edit: sorry I base so much on my own life and stuff, but it's really the only way I can try to somehow understand that teacher lady.
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in the risk of sounding like biggest bitch again. but if that's true, how come no one(apart from 2) made an effort so far to reply? Well, I guess I shouldn't expect help as long as I'm not giving any.
You don't need to give help right now, or in the past to expect help. There is still possibility for you to give help in the future, once when you see somebody has the problems you can help with, you are probably going to help that person. It doesn't even have to be on this forum. There is so many people on this forum who can and are willing to give help, so there is no requirement for any member to give help before receiving it. Besides you probably helped some people outside this forum.
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This post is deleted!
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Sorry for not responding sooner, Nami. To be honest, and I hate saying this because I know no one likes to hear this shit but, we have a lot in common. I used to have severe anger issues up until recently and struggled for years dealing with it. And I know I personally felt it from a combination of loneliness and the fact that no one understood me. It's frustrating and infuriating when people tell you shit and give you advice (even if you KNOW they're being nice!) and they just plain don't understand. I don't know, it might be because you feel as though they're not making the effort to understand you. To be honest, I never really figured out why it pissed me off so much myself.
I think people forget that there's such a thing as individual problems and want to assume that all problems fall into specific and quickly identifiable categories, so that's why they spit out the same rehearsed lines as always. They are just being kind, and I understand now that not everyone has experienced the same things as me and so they wouldn't be able to understand. And I accept that. Instead, you should take the kindness for what it is. At least it's an earnest effort to appeal to your anger.
And yeah, I know this really doesn't have much to do with what you specifically said but it's general stuff that I had to learn while coming to gripes with my own anger. One of the biggest factors in helping me stop being so angry was just looking at it and thinking to myself, "What does it solve?" When I'm angry, I'm miserable. I wallow in self-pity, I hate everyone around me (even when some of them are trying to help me), I ignore the good in my life and only concentrate on the bad, I chain myself down to the past and worst of all, I purposely isolate myself and push others away.
And it stems from everything. Because of my past, I feel like I require more of a showing from people in order to feel validated. I need people to genuinely show me they care before I actually feel better. But that's just the thing, I measured them by MY standard and not objectively. And yeah, I considered my standard to be pretty low and when people didn't meet it, it pissed me off. But when you think about it, when you're absorbed in your own individuality and individual problems, it makes you forget that everyone else around you that interacts with you is an individual too.
What Noqanky says is true, most people are absorbed in their own problems. It's not an attack on you, it's just people. What you can do is to try and seek happiness. You already know that the anger is going to make you miserable, but it really is as simple as wanting to be happy. It'll take time, and support, but you can do it.
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Ok… So I got a confession.
I...have anxiety, which I have said once before in this thread. But I don't think I mentioned that my anxiety, although minor, always makes me worried I'm going to get sick with some illness or that some organ in my body is going to go bad. For instance: Recently, I've worried that I have Appendicitis, because I've been feeling abdominal discomfort here and there; but I've just started getting over a bad cold I had (which, I coughed a lot during, probably causing me to hurt muscles in my abdomen) and the medicine I've been taken for it has minor to moderate abdominal pain (as well as other stomach...stuff, which I'll spare you the details of) as a side effect.
Even though I know this, and, even though I know it's not Appendicitis deep down, because it's pretty rare to get. (Only 3-5% of people in the United States get it). I still worry about it constantly. I'm worried I'm going to get it (and my appendix is going to rupture), then I'm going to have to go to the hospital and get it removed, then stay in the hospital for a few days etc. etc. I also worry about getting other 'sickness' like stomach cancer, colon cancer, kidney cancer etc etc.
It's...annoying, to say the least.
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DEAR MEMBERS OF THE FANDOM PIRATES AND EVERYONE ON THIS FORUM:
I know I've been away for a really long time and I can't promise being back but I wanted to say I really miss you all soooo much and I'm really sorry I can't be on here more often D:that's my confession
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And because I typed myself in talking mood, here's what made me so mad and made me cry the moment I calmed down
"I don't know who did something to you…"
"oh, lots of people, trust me"
"I don't know who did something to you-" "-as is said, lots of people." "but it surely wasn't me"
"Oh yes, you belong to them as well."
"Oh no, I've never done anything to you!"
"Yes, you did, you just don't realise it"
"I did nothing and you have to stop acting like this and behave yourself!"
"Oh whatever, just leave me alone."
"Listen to me when I talk to you! This is nor the time not the space to act like this."
"No, leave me alone, I don't want to hear any of your bullshit anymore!"
"You have to listen to me!"
"No, I don't."
"blablabla"
"Stop fuckin talking to me"and then when she didn't stop, my explosion came~
!
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@The:
Ok… So I got a confession.
I...have anxiety, which I have said once before in this thread. But I don't think I mentioned that my anxiety, although minor, always makes me worried I'm going to get sick with some illness or that some organ in my body is going to go bad. For instance: Recently, I've worried that I have Appendicitis, because I've been feeling abdominal discomfort here and there; but I've just started getting over a bad cold I had (which, I coughed a lot during, probably causing me to hurt muscles in my abdomen) and the medicine I've been taken for it has minor to moderate abdominal pain (as well as other stomach...stuff, which I'll spare you the details of) as a side effect.
Even though I know this, and, even though I know it's not Appendicitis deep down, because it's pretty rare to get. (Only 3-5% of people in the United States get it). I still worry about it constantly. I'm worried I'm going to get it (and my appendix is going to rupture), then I'm going to have to go to the hospital and get it removed, then stay in the hospital for a few days etc. etc. I also worry about getting other 'sickness' like stomach cancer, colon cancer, kidney cancer etc etc.
It's...annoying, to say the least.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having problems :/ Before I try to respond, does this anxiety impair you? Does it prevent you from going out, doing things, etc.? Does it occupy your thoughts so pervasively and stubbornly that you can't do anything else?
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DEAR MEMBERS OF THE FANDOM PIRATES AND EVERYONE ON THIS FORUM:
I know I've been away for a really long time and I can't promise being back but I wanted to say I really miss you all soooo much and I'm really sorry I can't be on here more often D:that's my confession
HOLY SHIT MIA?! !! ?
I thought I was hallucinating for a second.
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I confess that I have, once again, a crush on a boy from my school. And that I have no idea how to proceed from here.
On the one hand it's fun to just float around in these fluffy romantic daydreams, but on the other hand I really, really, REALLY wish I could be with him.
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! Don't worry and don't apologise about comparing it to your own life and experiences. This is usually how you usually approach helping others, isn't it? You try to compare it to yourself or if you were in similiar situation and from there on you try to find words and advise. So I appreciate this. Also that you give me some insights of the teacher's side. I don't really know about this teacher. Other teachers told me about this teacher that she is really negative and only sees the bad side of students. And that she only wants to bring the best out of us. The thing is, while I do understand this somehow, it's simply not the way for me. I can't work with someone who constantly nags on me and how bad everything is I do. In all the time I worked with her, there was only one time, the second time I had class with her, where she actually said something positive about my work. but this was also followed by constant "this looks bad, this was done horrible, be more neat, do it this way, cut this that way, don't do it like this" and so on and on and on. She can't stop when she starts and then you have to stand there for at leass 5mins listening to her crap. Yes, she wants to help, but HOW that is the question. I admit that getting critique is something difficult for me but I do take critique fine if the critique is said nicely and not in the way that makes me feel like I'm utter shit. I can deal with "Look, this is a bit untidy, maybe you can redo this. And here is a way how you can make it better:", but I can't deal with "this sucks, this is bad, have you worked like this the whole last year?? Are you always working this scruffy??"
As I said, she only ever complimented me ONCE in all the times I had class with her since september.
2 weeks ago we started a skirt for our school collection. I just wanted to know in which color I should serge. Instead of just simply answering my question she went on a rampage that we have this fabric 4times and 2times of it we use the left and 2 times the right side and that I should ask my classmates who uses which side. I told her the first time that we(the others and me) already decided on that. in the next 20mins and I'm really not lieing now, she told us that again FIVE MORE TIMES. Seriously, sometimes I believe, she has alzheimers or something. And everytime I told her "Yes, we already know this and we already decided on it! Please just give me an answer to my question!" And then she said to me, and ONLY TO ME and I quote here "Sabrina, you will show me every single step you do on this skirt and if you fuck up this skirt, you have to pay for it."
I guess you can imagine how I reacted to this..
I just feel pushed into a corner with this teacher. And only this teacher. And if someone is trying to push me into a corner, on purpose or by accident, I react like an animal. Aggressive, trying to protect myself.@DarcFalcon
thanks you, that's something I needed to hear. And I think I did help other forum members in the past as well. Or at least I hope I helped them. But I usually stay out of things I can't identify myself with.
@Kenny
! To be honest, I was waiting for a response of yours because I knew you had had anger issues as well. Everything you say is exactly how I feel. I feel missunderstood and lonely in my problem. Everyone is always telling you, that your loved ones should understand you but right now, I feel there is no understanding coming from my loved ones. Well, I kept my dad out of this mess and only wrote him an e-mail yesterday, telling him a bit how BAD it really is in school and how hard it is for me.
When I'm angry I try to focus on a safe harbour. Because I should have a safe harbour but then I realize I don't have something like this atm. I can't fall back on a special someone, tell him how shit my day was, get some love and support and understanding and move on. Basically the only safe harbour I have atm is while I'm sleeping. That's like the only peace I feel I have atm. Everywhere else is just troubles and stress. But I'm trying to look forward because it won't be like this forever, right? I'll get a safe habour hopefully and eventually.
I will try the advice and think "it's not worth it and won't solve anything" next time I get angry. Thank you for your long reply and help. I felt good to read that it's not just me but then someone else felt like this before. It makes me feel a bit more human and normal and not super exotic.Your teacher has a lot more patience then i do. Maybe you should cut her some slack for making the effort with you even though you've been a whiny little emo arse ache. lol
! And here we are. I don't know how many times I have to try to make you understand that insulting me and making me even more feel like shit is NOT helping. Thank you for making me boil again and not helping me one bit. Thanks for making me feel like utter shit again. You will never (try to) understand me, right? This is like a hopeless case I should have let go a long time ago. But seems like I have some kind of sadistic streak. Well, go on like this and you will really lose me and not only as a lover.
You are really not making my life any easier. And I don't know how many times you expect me to just swallow your shitty behaviour towards me. I mean, I know I'm sure as hell not perfect and I gave you shit before but relationships aren't meant to be eye for an eye. Because someone gave you shit, doesn't mean you have to pay them back and give them more shit as well.
This is why I never answer your "How's work, how's school" questions cuz if I would tell you how it really is, I would just get more abuse from you so I rather keep it to myself and swallow. Because I can never expect understanding from you and honestly, I think I finally gave up on expecting it.
And yes, I know this was probably a joke but there's a time and place for jokes. And it surely isn't in the open where everyone can see how fucked up our relationship is. -
This post is deleted!
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I confess that I have, once again, a crush on a boy from my school. And that I have no idea how to proceed from here.
On the one hand it's fun to just float around in these fluffy romantic daydreams, but on the other hand I really, really, REALLY wish I could be with him.
At least you have more chances than I do…
[hide]we've known each other over a year but she lives in the Philippines… both are mothers are somewhat homophobic and wish for us to be with guys, and mine doens't believe in long distance relationships...
heck, I'm scared to tell my mum I'm pansexual...
I just hope one day we can actually meet, y'know... and hopefully that we'll be accepted ; 3 ;[/hide] -
! I cut myself for the first time , not too deep or anything but I wanted to try it , and even if it didn't help to relieve stress , I am afraid I will do so again
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@metteminne:
! I cut myself for the first time , not too deep or anything but I wanted to try it , and even if it didn't help to relieve stress , I am afraid I will do so again
Please mette i beg you, never do it again. Whatever it takes, just don't go down that road or listen to other idiots they say it has any positive sides.
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@metteminne:
! I cut myself for the first time , not too deep or anything but I wanted to try it , and even if it didn't help to relieve stress , I am afraid I will do so again
Don't do that shit. It is the zenith of idiocy. If you are looking for catharsis, there are better ways. Like knocking one out.
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Please mette i beg you, never do it again. Whatever it takes, just don't go down that road or listen to other idiots they say it has any positive sides.
I have never listened to anybody to make this choice , I tried it and it failed , but still…
--- Update From New Post Merge ---
Don't do that shit. It is the zenith of idiocy. If you are looking for catharsis, there are better ways. Like knocking one out.
I know there should be better ways , but it sometimes feels easier I guess
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@metteminne:
I have never listened to anybody to make this choice , I tried it and it failed , but still…
Aww…Metteminne..You must be going through a lot for you to cut yourself. ;__; I'm so sorry...While i cannot say for certain what you're going through. Please know that even though things are tough now, life can be horribly brutal sometimes...breaking you down but things will start to look up...they really will! I..know my words aren't much help but...you can do this! You're stronger than you think. You're awesome okay! ;D
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I won't lie here mate, im just feeling angry and frustrated as hell hearing this. You are better than this and even though you have some stuff that eats at you, this isn't a good enough excuse. I want you to seriously think about the ramifications of adopting this into your lifestyle. It'll get worse and worse, creating a cycle of dependence that could get way out of hand at the first real bump in the road. If you need to talk or anything then don't ever hesitate.
One more thing: think about how much pain you would bring to the people the love you if they found out. Its a selfish act even if you didn't intend or realize it to be.
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I won't lie here mate, im just feeling angry and frustrated as hell hearing this. You are better than this and even though you have some stuff that eats at you, this isn't a good enough excuse. I want you to seriously think about the ramifications of adopting this into your lifestyle. It'll get worse and worse, creating a cycle of dependence that could get way out of hand at the first real bump in the road. If you need to talk or anything then don't ever hesitate.
One more thing: think about how much pain you would bring to the people the love you if they found out. Its a selfish act even if you didn't intend or realize it to be.
Well I know that there never is an excuse for cutting yourself , on that moment it was just a sort of adrenaline that 'demanded' me to cut . Weird way to describe it but that's how it felt . It will be somthing I will have a talk about with my psy .And selfish? Perhaps but not really in my eyes .
Also thank you for the kind words fullmoon
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! Yeah please don't let it become a habit. I cut myself when I was 14 (just to attract attention, yeah, very smart) and nowadays when I look at my left arm the scars always stare back at me. Like you said it doesn't even help one feel better, it's useless.
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Shut up about the entire selfishness aspect of something like this. That's an incredibly disparaging thing to tell to someone who has major problems leading to an act such as cutting yourself out of desperation and stress. I understand that some of you might be shocked and angered by this, but please try to think about it from the perspective of mette himself. People getting all judgmental because they're worried is not something the guy needs to see or hear right now.
I'm getting back to you about this in a bit. There's much more I have to say.
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@metteminne:
I know there should be better ways , but it sometimes feels easier I guess
Most of the times the easy way out is what completely wrecks your life, your dreams and ambitions.
All I know about you is that once upon a time you showed extreme dedication to support Buggy in a character tournament, staying up several hours to post campaigns.
I feel like someone who can show such dedication for something that is contextually so small and trivial can surely muster up the strength and dedication to deal with grander difficulties without wanting to go for the easy solution that doesn't really solve anything. -
Shut up about the entire selfishness aspect of something like this. That's an incredibly disparaging thing to tell to someone who has major problems leading to an act such as cutting yourself out of desperation and stress. I understand that some of you might be shocked and angered by this, but please try to think about it from the perspective of mette himself. People getting all judgmental because they're worried is not something the guy needs to see or hear right now.
I'm getting back to you about this in a bit. There's much more I have to say.
Being judgmental has nothing to do with what im saying, and no im not sitting back and holding back on the reality of the situation. It IS selfish and i will never change my point of view, and i know damn well how it is to be on the other end of this, so stop trying to brush it aside like it isn't even a factor that should be taken into consideration.
People that self-harm need support, and that doesn't mean ignoring the harsh facts. And nobody here is going to think less of mette for doing this, but feel sympathy and probably a degree of helplessness not being able to help more.
edit: lets go private. Any response to me then pm, fb or email.
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This post is deleted!
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HOLY SHIT MIA?! !! ?
I thought I was hallucinating for a second.
^q^/
hi!!!!! Glad to see a lot of the old gang are still on here and active!!sorry it seems I came in in the middle of something
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Sorry to interrupt.
So…How can I say "Hey dad, I don´t want to get along with your mistress or be friend with any of her sons" without being rude ?Because this friday was the fifth time that my father "tricked me" to go out with her and her sons.
I really don´t like to be around them, When I'm with them, I don´t talk with them, I'm quiet all the time.
Of course, my mother dosen´t know about this, she would be afraid of loosing me (just like she lost my father).