Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD

[Hiroy]

@Uncle:

@Hiroy: About the bullying, I'm pretty sure you already know what I've gone through as I've explained it in this thread countless times now but it's interesting to hear your side. And there's a sentiment in there that I tend to share, hating being shown synthetic kindness. It got so bad in my case that I couldn't even trust the people that were being legitimately kind. It was like kindness was just this abstract, fake concept and hatred was the true side of the coin.

There was seriously like this two year phase of my life where I'd just cry myself to sleep every night over the sounds of my mom and stepfather in their abusive relationship, all the bullshit building up over the course of the day from going to school to dealing with home life. And it wasn't until I finally told myself that nobody is going to come to my door and talk to me or make it better that I finally stopped crying. But it left me cynical and critical of the people around me. I still have problems with trust to this day.

Well, today I look back on it and don't see it as bad as I orignally did. Humans are naturally inclined to feel someone else's sadness, especially if they have been around this someone long enough. But yeah, thinking about it and even typing about it makes me feel uneasy like I'm re-living those moments. They just put me through alot of agony.

Anyway, I hope you do one day find some way to get over your trust issues. Back then I was cautios about who I talked to… That was until high school. I didn't talk very much, but it didn't go pass me to mingle myself with the supposed "tough" crowd. It was to protect myself from futher bullying at first, but I learned alot from them. This is a whole other story and I probally shared it here already... Maybe I recap on that one day.

And about the AP thing… shit, I have no clue where I was whenever this event went down but I feel stupidly out of the loop. It seems like there's a lot of people that know about it and I'm kinda just left wondering, "Huh?" And I hope you don't hate me for this but I am both oblivious and highly self-conscious so I'm just going to say, if I offended anyone that you know of… Please, please point me in their direction so I can sincerely apologize to them. Though I'm fairly certain I wasn't apart of whatever you're referring to.

Did you:
-use your stupidly high popularity and pretentious bunch of sheep to outright humiliate someone to the point of shedding tears and agonizing self-hatred?
-leak personal conversations here just for giggles and for a bunch of other sheep to label this target as "crazy"
-jump along on those listed above because you thought cyber bullying was "fun"?

If you don't see yourself when you read any of this, you should not worry. If you are in the last category, then you should not worry about me looking down on you. I was guilty for jumping on bandwagons too.

I'm more mulling over the question, "Have I been a dick to anyone recently?" and the fact that I'm always here, so I have no clue how I could have missed said event unless I was a part of it or just not in the right section.

In either case, you definitely have me to your side and cause. If you ever need my support then know that I have your back. Reputations and appearances be damned, you need me to speak out for your part then I'll do so for you.

Well, I'm still a bit of an ass sometimes… but only sometimes... because I like... care you know?

And thanks. If there's anything you'd like to know, just pass me a PM. I'd hate to leave you hanging since you are curious enough to know.

Edit: Oh.. I just read your edit. Well, atleast you now know.

[piratemarimo]

@Hiroy:

Yeah, it was a crazy time. And I think(or exactly) I know who you are talking about as well. But unless that person steps forward himself, then I would not drop any names for the sakes of starting anything. Glad you share same feelings. I know that there are others that share the same feelings as well.

I think we might be talking about a different person after all. However, it's not just that one person I happened to think of when I wrote that, but others as well. I'd really rather not revisit those threads to remind myself of all the people who pissed me off, though. I've tried my best to push it to the back of my mind because of how angry and upset it made me feel back then (even as someone who wasn't being targeted). The only thing I can do is to hope it doesn't happen again.

[ChesCa]

Cancer and bullying. Feels like Storycorps if they had an after school special. Conversations can be funny like that, I suppose.
Well, as long as they don't jack up the prices on your meds MK, glad to see you got out unscathed (more or less).

[Mr M]

@Hiroy , I read it and I think Cuddles said it well

@MK : damn sounds bad man , sure you are cancer safe? Hope shit is now good for you

[Silence]

@Hiroy, we talked some last night, but we will talk more. All I can say is that I'm with you 100%, and I've been to a lot of places you've been. Keep your chin up, man. We're all here for ya if you need us!

@Zephos, cancer is no joke. My dad has prostate cancer, it sucked hard for everybody. I'm glad you're ok.

As far as me…

! I'm conflicted.
! Bit of backstory: I'm part of a group of very good online friends who started out in WoW and eventually all met in real life.
! We rent out a suite in South Jersey once a year and the fifteen or so of us nerd it up via every video game system imaginable, board and card and tabletop games, trips to the beach, the whole nine. Of those fifteen, there are five of us who are creatives - artists, actors, writers - and particularly close, though we're still learning things about each other. Earlier this year, in Spring, three of us ran through a program called the Artist's Way, at a time in my life where I was experiencing a real loss of direction and despondency.
! It's a 12 week course which uses things like keeping journals (whom no one but yourself are allowed to read, keeping them honest), taking stock of the things you like and used to like and asking you to consciously set aside time for them, and little tasks to gradually ease you into a better, healthier, more creative mindset. Roy and Nari had done it before, (so this was mostly for my benefit), but there's always positives to doing it again, and so we set a day to chat over Skype every week about each week's exercises. I was initially skeptical, but Nari went above and beyond to mail me the Artist's Way book, a notepad, pens, and a hand-crafted bookmark to show just how serious she was about getting me out of my rut. Writing in the journals, I learned some things about myself which I had never fully understood until then. I knocked down a lot of mental barriers I didn't realize I had. Being in a group motivated us all to stay on top of the coursework – and I, a normally very, very emotionally reticent person, shared some pretty raw stuff with the two, and they with me. Things that I have never ever told anyone, not even my family.
! The course worked in every which way, and since I've made serious strides towards fixing my living situation, my attitude, my family and friend situation, and getting my life back on track.
! But once the 12 weeks were up, Roy wanted to find some way to keep meeting once a week and -- keep writing.
! The WoW guild we're in has as mixed a bag of people as you can imagine - roleplayers, net trolls, super casuals, the uber hardcore. For many of us, even if we don't play WoW anymore, this is our online group, and we game and talk about all sorts of everything. It's Roy's guild, and everyone is his friend in their own way -- but he despairs a bit at the maturity level of some in the group causing clashes amongst us. He wants it to be a place where we can have serious discussions and forge lifelong friendships. But I hold myself at a measured distance from some of them, because I've been burned before.
! Roy approaches me, Nari, and the two other creatives - to start a weekly flash fiction / discussion group. It's actually our old D&D group. We all write, in a sense, though the others are much more dedicated writers than I, and so every week one of us picks a topic that, no matter what, the others have to write. It's gone swimmingly so far: we get along well, and having the others to write for is highly motivating. Our talks, on anything from current events to religion, philosophy, or what we're all reading are intellectually satisfying in a way I haven't experienced since college. Roy wants this group to be something special, and it's important to him that it succeeds.
! But this week he asked something different than just hard-boiled detective fiction with a twist or 250 words without using the letter "e". This week it was his turn to pick the topic, and he wanted to make it a little more personal; this time he wants us to write our most terrifying experience.
! Having known him for years, I know he has deep intentions for asking us to do this. It's probably to draw us closer together.
! But I'm fighting myself over this one.
! I'm the kind of person who can't help but get wrapped up in whatever he's doing at the moment. I brood and ruminate and lament past mistakes. I underwent herculean efforts to try and deal with that part of myself this Spring and throughout Summer. My motivation is on an entirely different level now. But I had to go to - and climb out of - a very dark place to do that. I don't want to go back. I don't want to think about the past, because all my issues are one big pretzel and there's nothing valuable for me there but pain and loss, and regret. And loathing. But that I feel this way suggests I haven't fully dealt with this. Is it better to write it out?
! I'm positive. I'm glass-half full. I'm look on the bright side, or at least I try to be. To all outward appearances, you could never tell there was something wrong.
! But I don't know if it's because my walls are so high that I'm having this reaction to this challenge. Am I overreacting? Is this avoidance? I don't mind that I fuck up sometimes, but I don't like going back to prod those old fuck ups unless there's a damn good reason. Is there something to be gained from talking about my most terrifying experience, which is my shit childhood all tied up with the single most devastating failure of my life?
! I'm adult enough to know I have every right to feel offended that I've been compelled to share something so deeply personal, even if it is to a group of four others, who will be doing the same, and refuse to do so on the basis of that alone. I have enough sense to know there are boundaries, even if the group Roy is trying to guide will take a hit from my abstaining this week.
! But I don't know if doing it is what's good for me.
! So I'm conflicted.

[bartholemew kuma]

Shit, i spent all day downloading GTO just to find out it isn't translated. Damn

[piratemarimo]

@ Silence

When I fuck something up really badly, it affects me for a really long time too. I spent several months feeling like absolute shit, crying every single night. Writing helped me a great deal, and it's a good way to organize your thoughts. It's also useful to reflect back on what you wrote. I think you should write it all out, but I won't say anything about whether or not to share it with others because I don't understand just how bad it is. Though I kind of get what it's like to feel obligated to do something for others even if it's not what I truly want/enjoy doing. It sucks to feel like you've let someone down, but if you ultimately decide it's not something you can share, I think those guys would not hold it against you.

[Mrs. Iceburg]

@Silence:

But this week he asked something different than just hard-boiled detective fiction with a twist or 250 words without using the letter "e". This week it was his turn to pick the topic, and he wanted to make it a little more personal; this time he wants us to write our most terrifying experience.

Not sure if you know this and quite sure it won't be helpful to you, but I take it your friend got his inspiration from Perec's La Disparition (A Void in English). It's an entire book written without using the letter e. The book is one giant, complex puzzle, both thematically and formally. The story itself is about a disappearance - of the impersonation of the letter 'e' -, and in the text hundreds of hints are given for the lacking of the letter 'e'.
Now, and this is where it gets interesting, this writer lost both his parents in World War II. A common interpretation of his novel is that this story of disappearance, of the lack of something so fundamental, is actually symbolical for the missing of parents in his life. The novel exists fine without the letter 'e', but still there's something missing. It's lacking and not lacking at the same time, just like Perec, who never knew his parents, misses and doesn't miss his parents. Another motive in the book is the fear that, even though things work fine without the letter 'e', at any given moment it can all collapse because despite all efforts, an 'e' really is needed to make a full text.

I just wanted to share this with you - sorry if you already knew… - because I think it may help you, too. The way this writer put so much effort into this work to process his grief.
I don't know what you've been through, but I think you should write the piece. Because if you still can't write or talk about things normally, it means you haven't fully processed it yet. Which means it needs further processing, and yes you'll probably suffer upon recalling, but I think you'll come out of it stronger. Plus, your friends are doing the same thing and will be reading your piece, which means this time you're not alone.

[RPGJay]

@Silence:

@Hiroy, we talked some last night, but we will talk more. All I can say is that I'm with you 100%, and I've been to a lot of places you've been. Keep your chin up, man. We're all here for ya if you need us!

@Zephos, cancer is no joke. My dad has prostate cancer, it sucked hard for everybody. I'm glad you're ok.

As far as me…

! I'm conflicted.
! Bit of backstory: I'm part of a group of very good online friends who started out in WoW and eventually all met in real life.
! We rent out a suite in South Jersey once a year and the fifteen or so of us nerd it up via every video game system imaginable, board and card and tabletop games, trips to the beach, the whole nine. Of those fifteen, there are five of us who are creatives - artists, actors, writers - and particularly close, though we're still learning things about each other. Earlier this year, in Spring, three of us ran through a program called the Artist's Way, at a time in my life where I was experiencing a real loss of direction and despondency.
! It's a 12 week course which uses things like keeping journals (whom no one but yourself are allowed to read, keeping them honest), taking stock of the things you like and used to like and asking you to consciously set aside time for them, and little tasks to gradually ease you into a better, healthier, more creative mindset. Roy and Nari had done it before, (so this was mostly for my benefit), but there's always positives to doing it again, and so we set a day to chat over Skype every week about each week's exercises. I was initially skeptical, but Nari went above and beyond to mail me the Artist's Way book, a notepad, pens, and a hand-crafted bookmark to show just how serious she was about getting me out of my rut. Writing in the journals, I learned some things about myself which I had never fully understood until then. I knocked down a lot of mental barriers I didn't realize I had. Being in a group motivated us all to stay on top of the coursework – and I, a normally very, very emotionally reticent person, shared some pretty raw stuff with the two, and they with me. Things that I have never ever told anyone, not even my family.
! The course worked in every which way, and since I've made serious strides towards fixing my living situation, my attitude, my family and friend situation, and getting my life back on track.
! But once the 12 weeks were up, Roy wanted to find some way to keep meeting once a week and -- keep writing.
! The WoW guild we're in has as mixed a bag of people as you can imagine - roleplayers, net trolls, super casuals, the uber hardcore. For many of us, even if we don't play WoW anymore, this is our online group, and we game and talk about all sorts of everything. It's Roy's guild, and everyone is his friend in their own way -- but he despairs a bit at the maturity level of some in the group causing clashes amongst us. He wants it to be a place where we can have serious discussions and forge lifelong friendships. But I hold myself at a measured distance from some of them, because I've been burned before.
! Roy approaches me, Nari, and the two other creatives - to start a weekly flash fiction / discussion group. It's actually our old D&D group. We all write, in a sense, though the others are much more dedicated writers than I, and so every week one of us picks a topic that, no matter what, the others have to write. It's gone swimmingly so far: we get along well, and having the others to write for is highly motivating. Our talks, on anything from current events to religion, philosophy, or what we're all reading are intellectually satisfying in a way I haven't experienced since college. Roy wants this group to be something special, and it's important to him that it succeeds.
! But this week he asked something different than just hard-boiled detective fiction with a twist or 250 words without using the letter "e". This week it was his turn to pick the topic, and he wanted to make it a little more personal; this time he wants us to write our most terrifying experience.
! Having known him for years, I know he has deep intentions for asking us to do this. It's probably to draw us closer together.
! But I'm fighting myself over this one.
! I'm the kind of person who can't help but get wrapped up in whatever he's doing at the moment. I brood and ruminate and lament past mistakes. I underwent herculean efforts to try and deal with that part of myself this Spring and throughout Summer. My motivation is on an entirely different level now. But I had to go to - and climb out of - a very dark place to do that. I don't want to go back. I don't want to think about the past, because all my issues are one big pretzel and there's nothing valuable for me there but pain and loss, and regret. And loathing. But that I feel this way suggests I haven't fully dealt with this. Is it better to write it out?
! I'm positive. I'm glass-half full. I'm look on the bright side, or at least I try to be. To all outward appearances, you could never tell there was something wrong.
! But I don't know if it's because my walls are so high that I'm having this reaction to this challenge. Am I overreacting? Is this avoidance? I don't mind that I fuck up sometimes, but I don't like going back to prod those old fuck ups unless there's a damn good reason. Is there something to be gained from talking about my most terrifying experience, which is my shit childhood all tied up with the single most devastating failure of my life?
! I'm adult enough to know I have every right to feel offended that I've been compelled to share something so deeply personal, even if it is to a group of four others, who will be doing the same, and refuse to do so on the basis of that alone. I have enough sense to know there are boundaries, even if the group Roy is trying to guide will take a hit from my abstaining this week.
! But I don't know if doing it is what's good for me.
! So I'm conflicted.

Silence, you already know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyways. I think the most important thing is that you just tell them that this subject is just uncomfortable for you and you'd prefer to choose something else or not write it altogether. If this group is as close to you as you say they are, they should perfectly understand and be okay with it.

I don't think you are overreacting. I am, for better or worse, the same way in that I still agonize over past mistakes. I'm not saying that is the best kind of personality trait, but I do think it is okay if you don't want to return to the darker parts and thoughts of your life, especially if for all intents and purposes you're much happier right now.

So just talk it over briefly with your group and they should understand.

[Mugiwara_no_Ice]

Ow Zephos, I'm glad you got all right. I wish you a good and quick recovery.

@Silence: You should write it and even make it public here on AP. Just joking, I don't know you well enough to advise you on this. I think deep down you should know what's the best for you; You'll just have to muster the courage to go through with it.

[Hiroy]

@Silence: I'm not sure if you can without contributing yourself, but what you can do is see what everyone else brings to the table if they are willing to share. It could be food for thought, rather than this depressing cloud over your head. If you are uncomfortable, you gotta let them all know and tell them why without getting into details(like you are doing here). They could understand, right?

And thanks Silence. And thanks to everyone else and those that do agree while not feel inclined/confident enough to say anything.

@piratemarimo: I can think of a couple of girls I was dissapointed in that day. One was easily oblivious to what others think, so she's innocent despite the fuel she added to the fire. The other one I have in mind is spiteful and rides on the fact that she's "more liked" to get away with saying awful things(also dismissive). There's a third one too… but I dunno. We are friends, and I think we can talk it out if we can. PM me if you want to share your feelings on the case however. The more I know from people that were strongly against what had happened, the better.

[Silence]

@Mrs.:

Not sure if you know this and quite sure it won't be helpful to you, but I take it your friend got his inspiration from Perec's La Disparition (A Void in English). It's an entire book written without using the letter e. The book is one giant, complex puzzle, both thematically and formally. The story itself is about a disappearance - of the impersonation of the letter 'e' -, and in the text hundreds of hints are given for the lacking of the letter 'e'.
Now, and this is where it gets interesting, this writer lost both his parents in World War II. A common interpretation of his novel is that this story of disappearance, of the lack of something so fundamental, is actually symbolical for the missing of parents in his life. The novel exists fine without the letter 'e', but still there's something missing. It's lacking and not lacking at the same time, just like Perec, who never knew his parents, misses and doesn't miss his parents. Another motive in the book is the fear that, even though things work fine without the letter 'e', at any given moment it can all collapse because despite all efforts, an 'e' really is needed to make a full text.

I just wanted to share this with you - sorry if you already knew… - because I think it may help you, too. The way this writer put so much effort into this work to process his grief.
I don't know what you've been through, but I think you should write the piece. Because if you still can't write or talk about things normally, it means you haven't fully processed it yet. Which means it needs further processing, and yes you'll probably suffer upon recalling, but I think you'll come out of it stronger. Plus, your friends are doing the same thing and will be reading your piece, which means this time you're not alone.

We talked about that book, two weeks ago, after that challenge. The inspiration to do the 250 word "no e" fiction actually came from Gadsby, by Ernest Vincent Wright, which is another story written entirely without the letter – well, you know! I hadn't heard of La Disparition until then, but I considered picking it up after. Maybe I will. Having read Gadsby, and having agonized without my precious 'e' on my short story, I'm very curious to see how another author pulls it off. Each of our entries were very unorthodox. Each we cursed at starting and having gotten well through a good part of a sentence, only to be forced to scrap it without ways to end it.

I sure did come to appreciate it after that…

@piratemarimo:

@ Silence

When I fuck something up really badly, it affects me for a really long time too. I spent several months feeling like absolute shit, crying every single night. Writing helped me a great deal, and it's a good way to organize your thoughts. It's also useful to reflect back on what you wrote. I think you should write it all out, but I won't say anything about whether or not to share it with others because I don't understand just how bad it is. Though I kind of get what it's like to feel obligated to do something for others even if it's not what I truly want/enjoy doing. It sucks to feel like you've let someone down, but if you ultimately decide it's not something you can share, I think those guys would not hold it against you.

Writing is cathartic. Like a hot bubble bath or a back massage. Especially forced stream of consciousness, where I don't allow myself to stop and think about sentence structure but just go on naturally, poking and prodding at my thoughts before me. When we were doing the course in the Spring, writing 3 pages every day no matter what, I got so much out of it I came to feel that if I was ever truly lost, I could write it out.

But there was this one time when I found I had struck on something I had buried for a reason, and it wrecked me for the rest of the week, afraid to even touch the page. Having told them about it, they were completely shocked. Shocked to speechlessness. Never in a million years could they have expected to hear it. And though they're good friends, it's not like they're psychologists. Silence was not what I needed. I felt judged even though they never meant for me to. I felt like a weak person; too vulnerable for me. Judged, like I had brought the discussion to a place so dark that I wasn't sure I should've said anything at all.

They know each other much better than they know me so their own darknesses are all talked out.

Mine are deep down at the bottom of the well. I want them there. Because I just don't know how to think about what is unable to be fixed. All that I can do is stay positive and move on.

@RPGJay:

Silence, you already know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to say it anyways. I think the most important thing is that you just tell them that this subject is just uncomfortable for you and you'd prefer to choose something else or not write it altogether. If this group is as close to you as you say they are, they should perfectly understand and be okay with it.

I don't think you are overreacting. I am, for better or worse, the same way in that I still agonize over past mistakes. I'm not saying that is the best kind of personality trait, but I do think it is okay if you don't want to return to the darker parts and thoughts of your life, especially if for all intents and purposes you're much happier right now.

So just talk it over briefly with your group and they should understand.

Roy, Nari, and now Zach and Smapdii are in the group. I guess Roy and Nari sort of expect to hear what I would share. They know it won't be pleasant.

Nari is a peach, an angel, a doll. A confidant who I trust emotionally. Roy is a bro who means well. The others are cool dudes I've played D&D and WoW with and have known casually for a few years – but I'm just not there yet with them. And judging by the reaction I got from even the ones who I felt okay telling, I can't expect acceptance. It's weak, but I want it so badly. But they just haven't been to the places I have. They don't have a tenth of my anger. They don't know the first note of the music I dance to. They're the wrong people to share this with.

But I feel like not sharing when the others are is encouraging this outsider mentality I have in many groups I associate with. I don't know if it's good for me. See, just the post above I was talking about how we were good friends and a close group! Now it's "they aren't close enough." If I don't tell them, will they think that? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. And when Roy has real "I have a body with low life expectancy" hardcore fears, my personal failings seem like first world problems in comparison. And on comes the frustration that it feels like I'm pushing them away.

sigh The whole prospect of this has gotten into my head.

I don't know what's worse: the thought of writing and reading this to an unprepared audience, or the thought that I'm running away. I hate the thought that I'm back here.

---

Reason says they would understand if I opted out. I should probably write this regardless. I'm not sure if I'll share it. Not sure if I'll sit in without sharing.

[ChesCa]

@Silence: Honestly, I think getting something out is cathartic, but I can understand how bad it can feel to revisit certain memories or being worried about getting burned.
On this site I was extremely lucky to meet with people I could talk to when I was facing a really bad breakdown at how much I felt like I wasted so much of my life doing something bad, and even though it hurt for a long while it eventually got to the point where holding stuff in for too long proved to be a bad idea, but for me the more I let stuff out the less bad everything seemed.
In your case, I think you honestly have to think about the environment you're in and the people you're dealing with before you come to a decision.
That's all I can really say. The rest is up to you.
EDIT: Reads other posts
Or let them know you're not comfortable with this. That works too.

[trappedolphin]

Hey Silence. I don't know you well so I hope this doesn't feel weird.

I completely understand how it feels to not want to deal with something bad that happened in your past, a dark period that makes you feel like crap. You don't want to bring it into the present. You don't want to make it a part of your life again. But (and I know it's a little presumptuous of me to say this) I think your friend Roy came up with this project, not just to bring you guys closer together, but possibly to help you guys individually as well. And ultimately, this is your decision. Are you happy with setting aside whatever happened and ignoring that it ever existed? Or do you want to possibly try to face it and see what happens, see if you've become a stronger person? Neither decision is right or wrong, because both could have negative consequences. (I recently took the latter option and now I'm having nightmares. But I don't regret it.) It sounds like you've been set on a really good path thanks to the great people around you, and there may or may not be a need for you to deal with something that scared you in the past. I don't know whether your past experiences still affect you in the present; you talking about discovering things you never knew about yourself suggests to me that this experience could be a good, eye-opening one for you. But that's just an assumption about the future.

I have a suggestion. Just a suggestion, it's totally your own prerogative to take it or not. Write it. Write it however you want to, however you feel like it, without giving any thought to the possibility of someone reading it. Write everything out, everything that you're afraid of and even how you feel about writing it, if you want to. You can decide whether to share it or not after that, based on how you feel after remembering all those experiences. The most important thing is that you feel safe. If there are some people you aren't as close to in the group, I think it's okay to not share it publicly when you guys are reading it aloud or w/e, and maybe approach a couple of those people you're closer to, people you feel safe with, and go "hey this is what I wrote, I don't want to share it with everyone but I trust you and I want to share it with you. I would really appreciate it if you could read it." Or, you could just leave it aside after writing it and let your own thoughts simmer.

Either way, I just feel like what your friends would say if you don't share should not be your priority or concern. Let Roy know if you don't want to share, and let him handle the situation - I'm assuming he's reliable and trustworthy, from what you said. There might be silence if you tell the group what happened, but sometimes… it's just hard for people to know what to say. It's painful, but know that it is by no means a result of judging you or them changing their opinion of you. I'm certain that, whoever they are, they like you for who you are now.

:)

[fedcom]

This post is deleted!

[zachri]

[hide]So on Tuesday it'll be my fourth week of college, and already a friend of mine in our class has just told me yesterday that he likes me…
My mind keeps crashing. Yelp.

...just thought I'd let you know.[/hide]

[I survived the buster call]

D'aww that's sweet Zachri. Do you feel the same?

[zachri]

@I:

D'aww that's sweet Zachri. Do you feel the same?

The bad thing is I can't really discern between liking someone as a friend or as a crush, especially with guys.
I have like one female best friend and I can't actually tell there either ; A ;
[/I'm so sexually confused]

[piratemarimo]

Hey, guess who told dad a secret? This girl!

! sigh. I don't know if anyone remembers the incident where I got booted out of the car? Yeah… my dad picked me up to take me out to dinner and asked why I don't speak to my sibling anymore. At first I said "I can't tell you that," but then I told him. Fucking finally. I thought this would be something I'd never be able to say or that it'd take years to work up the courage. We had a talk over dinner about it (among other things). He told me at the end not to hold grudges, but I've already said it was the last straw. I won't ever be on good terms with him ever again. Fuck that guy. I even confessed that I wished he'd die. Don't think he necessarily believed me there. Of course, his point was that I should focus on being independent and that obsession was unhealthy. ftr, I haven't been obsessing over it, but that doesn't mean I forgot or that I will ever forgive that asshole for all those years of bullshit. On that day, my greatest regret was not saying something like "Wait till dad hears about this, fucker," or something. If I had told dad immediately, then died, someone would know the reason. Man, seems like I missed a great opportunity to get his ass booted out of the house had I said it at the time it happened. Tonight was very much a necessary conversation and I learned a secret as well. Holy Fuck. I can't even. I expect there's going to be a shit storm at home (thank fuck I won't be there for that).

[Noqanky]

@zachri:

The bad thing is I can't really discern between liking someone as a friend or as a crush, especially with guys.
I have like one female best friend and I can't actually tell there either ; A ;
[/I'm so sexually confused]

Well, college is that time in life in which you find out stuff, like who you are and what you want. Just do your best to not hurt people or yourself too much, and you'll be good … even bad experiences will be necessary in order to learn, so don't stress too much if they do come along.

[Kitsune Inferno]

I'm currently riding on a confidence high and I feel like disclosing this information isn't going to change anything about how people perceive me because I know I'm an awesome human being and I don't give a fuck no more . : )

! Furries. You know, those creepy people that dress in animal costumes and have sex with each other? Yeah, scum of the internet? Bane of the universe? I'm one of those guys. Yep, I consider myself a furry.
! You might be saying, "This isn't a confession, you already told us!" and you might point at my current user title. Well yeah, I've been using it as a character gimmick to cover up the fact that I really am. Or to at least let it slip through the cracks a bit so that way when this day came, it wouldn't be all that bad, because you all already know.~
! Let's take care of the elephant in the room. I have NOT dressed up in animal costumes and had sex with people. I have NO interest in dressing up in animal costumes and having sex with people. "But, Kitsune!" you're crying. "You just said you're a furry! Now you're saying you aren't?" Nah, I'm still a furry. Let me indulge you a bit on what I mean, though.
! My first contact with furries came in about 2003 or so when a certain CSI episode showcased furries. I was really grossed out and thought that furries were lowly beings on the same level as pedophiles, truck drivers, and people who think Shia Labeouf is entertaining.
! But then I did my research and discovered this underground sex ring called the furry fandom. The only problem? There wasn't a whole lot of sex. In fact, the sex was an underwhelming minority within the fandom. I was confused until I finally understood what furries were. Furries were people who drew "anthros", those silly little cartoon animals that were kind of cool. Furries were people with a hobby, you know, writing, art, music, and even acting (that's what the guys in the fursuits are doing most of the time >>) Furries were basically the otaku equivalent of anthropomorphic characters.
! I think that's when I started getting interested in the fandom, mostly because I liked the art and fiction (though most of it is really bad, some of it is really, really good!). And I was kind of interested in creating stuff myself. And that's how my character, Kitsune Inferno came into existence. I started drawing short comics involving Kitsune Inferno (who was pretty damn generic) until I realized I fail at storytelling AND drawing. I never really became part of the fandom and just lost interest, though I kept the Kitsune Inferno name as my username across the internet.
! Then I came to AP, the first real internet site I became a significant part of. Around this time last year, people began to refer to me as Fox and stuff and I started taking on fox avatars and the like, you know, to go with my username. And then I became Chucklepants Fallupface and I felt a bit hollow. I kind of felt like a part of me was lost and then after a while, I began to understand why.
! Not all, but some furries create an alter ego for themselves that they call their "fursona". Generally, it's just a cartoon character meant to represent either them or who they want to be. No different than an avatar character in an RPG really. In fact, most furries in fursuits don't dress up because they have some strange desire to be an animal or the urge to screw people in costume. It's because they're just cosplaying a character of their own creation, really. That's a bit beside the point, but the reason I felt so empty was because Kitsune Inferno was my fursona.
! To be honest, I wanted to avoid the whole fursona thing. It seemed kind of… I dunno, weird and all, but what's cool about mine is that he's not my creation. He's yours. It's kind of silly, but when you guys refered to me as "Fox" and made references to my imaginary tail or fox fur, it kind of brought my fursona to life. My current avatar is a drawing by Vepe and is probably the image that I most associate with Kitsune Inferno. It served as the biggest contributor of all towards creating him. So yeah, thanks, guys.~ THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT :getlost:
! When I finally began to realize that Kitsune Inferno was like… a part of me (weird, I know), it kind of rekindled my interest in furry art and writing, which at first really really scared me. I don't have the most confidence in the world, and I'm always concerned with how other people perceive me, so I had worried about being "found out" and being stigmatized for having this harmless hobby that everyone associates with beastiality.
! But it was, and still is, a stupid thing to hide. I'm always in fear that everyone will just walk away and abandon me because I'm part of this horrible internet group, but at the same time, I just want people to accept me despite the fact. I almost want to try and change perspectives because, hey, I may be a furry, but I'm also a regular human being that a few of you have the privilege of knowing, so hopefully that sheds light on people's perceptions. I do know I changed one person's perspective on the whole furry thing, so that's a start!~
! So yeah, despite wanting to hide it, I also let the secret slip through a bit in the form of personal satire. Like, for instance, the DURIAN story I've been writingpuking out at random intervals is an example of me letting it slip through a bit without outright stating it. And then there was "The Tim Curry of Furry", which sort of gave me the best coping tool I could ask for.
! Smudge found me out right around then! Well, not really, but he started throwing furry jokes my way. At first, I felt awful when the jokes came, mostly because they preyed on my own internal conflict. But Smudge was never a jerk about it and he meant no ill will towards me, so I knew he was just giving me a hard time, and to be honest, after awhile, it became the aforementioned coping tool I needed. I began to play along with Smudge's jokes and found myself a nice comfort zone where I could "pretend" to be a furry for the sake of a joke. It somehow made it all better. But it still wasn't enough.
! I wasn't ready yet to make it known, at least not obviously. I battled with telling my closest friends on here and always came to the very edge of revealing my little secret whenever I vented. It wasn't until I pushed it out of me in a conversation with Jay that I stopped carrying this depressing, non-existent burden on my shoulders.
! To be fair, Jay did agree that this is quite the stigma. Remember, despite what I've said, furries are these disgusting creatures that stalk the internet and rape animals. So outright telling people would probably destroy me because some people will still think that furries are creepers that need to get a life. I know some of you will respond that way to me when you read this, too.
! But you have to remember that furries and anime and manga fans are quite alike, you know. There are those of us who read and watch and look at anime and manga. There are those of us who draw and write our own manga, and even create our own characters. There are some of us who dress up as our favorite animanga characters or even characters we created. Then there's the minority that do creepy things while in costume… just furries have the added bonus of having their vocal minority take center stage in the public eye.
! Anyway, back to my life story. So as I talked with Jay, I also told trapped, and through them, I got a lot more comfortable with it and slowly but surely let it slip out a bit.But there was still always the fear that people would look at me differently if they knew. That held me back the most.
! But a few small actions led me to this point of confession. First of all, Jay told me that if I tell one person, I'll eventually want to tell everyone. >> Last night I told two more people. Neither said anything discouraging about it. So, Confidence +20!
! Second, Smudge, one of my best unknowing coping mechanisms asked me whether or not I was tired of the furry jokes. He said something like "I will always have a fake furry image of you, even though I know it's 100% untrue." Which gave me a giant, hearty, if-only-you-knew lol. But I also really liked the jokes, in some deranged and twisted fashion. So I figured there's no longer a reason to keep pretending and actually be open about it. I kind of owe Smudge that much. Thanks to him, I feel a lot more comfortable saying "I'm a furry".
! Finally, I found myself a new source of confidence. I have finally reached the point where I fully believe that putting myself out in the open like this won't make any of you think any less of me. I fully believe that you all are capable of seeing beyond this and knowing that, despite my damning interests, I'm still the same Kitsune (you know, the annoying one!) and I don't define myself by my hobbies.
! So why am I even putting this out there in the first place? What do I possibly have to gain by making it known that I'm a furfag? Well, closure. I want to put this behind me and move on instead of let these feelings of inferiority take control. And I want people to take me as I am. If people are going to think less of me because I'm a furry, then, well, I don't think I should value their opinion as much. ^^
! The last thing I want to do, though, is be defined by this. I may say I'm a furry but that doesn't mean it's my only defining character. I'm a writer, a gamer, a One Piece fan, a teacher, a trolling megalomaniacal guy with a god complex and a friend first. But obviously, I just wrote 43674674567456 paragraphs on this, so it is still a part of me I wanted to stop hiding (EVEN THOUGH YOU PEOPLE ALREADY KNEW).
! Basically, I just want to make it known and that's it. Yet, if you want to talk about it, I won't mind. Hit me on IRC, VM me, PM me, I don't care. If you have questions, ask away. I didn't tell you guys this because I want to stop being a furry. Nor did I tell you this to make it some taboo. I think at the core of all this, I just want to be open about it and not let something so insignificant (did I mention harmless?) get me down is all. It's just one less thing to keep me down because I deserve to not be such a negative black hole all the time.~

TL;DR version

! I'm a furfag. Throw rocks at me.

Well, typing all of this out just killed my confidence high… Oh well.~ And now at the time of writing this, I don't have internet access... >_> Meaning this message is going to simmer at my conscience until I chicken out of posting it. Goddammit, life, I hate you!

[Noqanky]

@Kitsune:

I'm currently riding on a confidence high and I feel like disclosing this information isn't going to change anything about how people perceive me because I know I'm an awesome human being and I don't give a fuck no more . : )

! Furries. You know, those creepy people that dress in animal costumes and have sex with each other? Yeah, scum of the internet? Bane of the universe? I'm one of those guys. Yep, I consider myself a furry.
! You might be saying, "This isn't a confession, you already told us!" and you might point at my current user title. Well yeah, I've been using it as a character gimmick to cover up the fact that I really am. Or to at least let it slip through the cracks a bit so that way when this day came, it wouldn't be all that bad, because you all already know.~
! Let's take care of the elephant in the room. I have NOT dressed up in animal costumes and had sex with people. I have NO interest in dressing up in animal costumes and having sex with people. "But, Kitsune!" you're crying. "You just said you're a furry! Now you're saying you aren't?" Nah, I'm still a furry. Let me indulge you a bit on what I mean, though.
! My first contact with furries came in about 2003 or so when a certain CSI episode showcased furries. I was really grossed out and thought that furries were lowly beings on the same level as pedophiles, truck drivers, and people who think Shia Labeouf is entertaining.
! But then I did my research and discovered this underground sex ring called the furry fandom. The only problem? There wasn't a whole lot of sex. In fact, the sex was an underwhelming minority within the fandom. I was confused until I finally understood what furries were. Furries were people who drew "anthros", those silly little cartoon animals that were kind of cool. Furries were people with a hobby, you know, writing, art, music, and even acting (that's what the guys in the fursuits are doing most of the time >>) Furries were basically the otaku equivalent of anthropomorphic characters.
! I think that's when I started getting interested in the fandom, mostly because I liked the art and fiction (though most of it is really bad, some of it is really, really good!). And I was kind of interested in creating stuff myself. And that's how my character, Kitsune Inferno came into existence. I started drawing short comics involving Kitsune Inferno (who was pretty damn generic) until I realized I fail at storytelling AND drawing. I never really became part of the fandom and just lost interest, though I kept the Kitsune Inferno name as my username across the internet.
! Then I came to AP, the first real internet site I became a significant part of. Around this time last year, people began to refer to me as Fox and stuff and I started taking on fox avatars and the like, you know, to go with my username. And then I became Chucklepants Fallupface and I felt a bit hollow. I kind of felt like a part of me was lost and then after a while, I began to understand why.
! Not all, but some furries create an alter ego for themselves that they call their "fursona". Generally, it's just a cartoon character meant to represent either them or who they want to be. No different than an avatar character in an RPG really. In fact, most furries in fursuits don't dress up because they have some strange desire to be an animal or the urge to screw people in costume. It's because they're just cosplaying a character of their own creation, really. That's a bit beside the point, but the reason I felt so empty was because Kitsune Inferno was my fursona.
! To be honest, I wanted to avoid the whole fursona thing. It seemed kind of… I dunno, weird and all, but what's cool about mine is that he's not my creation. He's yours. It's kind of silly, but when you guys refered to me as "Fox" and made references to my imaginary tail or fox fur, it kind of brought my fursona to life. My current avatar is a drawing by Vepe and is probably the image that I most associate with Kitsune Inferno. It served as the biggest contributor of all towards creating him. So yeah, thanks, guys.~ THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT :getlost:
! When I finally began to realize that Kitsune Inferno was like… a part of me (weird, I know), it kind of rekindled my interest in furry art and writing, which at first really really scared me. I don't have the most confidence in the world, and I'm always concerned with how other people perceive me, so I had worried about being "found out" and being stigmatized for having this harmless hobby that everyone associates with beastiality.
! But it was, and still is, a stupid thing to hide. I'm always in fear that everyone will just walk away and abandon me because I'm part of this horrible internet group, but at the same time, I just want people to accept me despite the fact. I almost want to try and change perspectives because, hey, I may be a furry, but I'm also a regular human being that a few of you have the privilege of knowing, so hopefully that sheds light on people's perceptions. I do know I changed one person's perspective on the whole furry thing, so that's a start!~
! So yeah, despite wanting to hide it, I also let the secret slip through a bit in the form of personal satire. Like, for instance, the DURIAN story I've been writingpuking out at random intervals is an example of me letting it slip through a bit without outright stating it. And then there was "The Tim Curry of Furry", which sort of gave me the best coping tool I could ask for.
! Smudge found me out right around then! Well, not really, but he started throwing furry jokes my way. At first, I felt awful when the jokes came, mostly because they preyed on my own internal conflict. But Smudge was never a jerk about it and he meant no ill will towards me, so I knew he was just giving me a hard time, and to be honest, after awhile, it became the aforementioned coping tool I needed. I began to play along with Smudge's jokes and found myself a nice comfort zone where I could "pretend" to be a furry for the sake of a joke. It somehow made it all better. But it still wasn't enough.
! I wasn't ready yet to make it known, at least not obviously. I battled with telling my closest friends on here and always came to the very edge of revealing my little secret whenever I vented. It wasn't until I pushed it out of me in a conversation with Jay that I stopped carrying this depressing, non-existent burden on my shoulders.
! To be fair, Jay did agree that this is quite the stigma. Remember, despite what I've said, furries are these disgusting creatures that stalk the internet and rape animals. So outright telling people would probably destroy me because some people will still think that furries are creepers that need to get a life. I know some of you will respond that way to me when you read this, too.
! But you have to remember that furries and anime and manga fans are quite alike, you know. There are those of us who read and watch and look at anime and manga. There are those of us who draw and write our own manga, and even create our own characters. There are some of us who dress up as our favorite animanga characters or even characters we created. Then there's the minority that do creepy things while in costume… just furries have the added bonus of having their vocal minority take center stage in the public eye.
! Anyway, back to my life story. So as I talked with Jay, I also told trapped, and through them, I got a lot more comfortable with it and slowly but surely let it slip out a bit.But there was still always the fear that people would look at me differently if they knew. That held me back the most.
! But a few small actions led me to this point of confession. First of all, Jay told me that if I tell one person, I'll eventually want to tell everyone. >> Last night I told two more people. Neither said anything discouraging about it. So, Confidence +20!
! Second, Smudge, one of my best unknowing coping mechanisms asked me whether or not I was tired of the furry jokes. He said something like "I will always have a fake furry image of you, even though I know it's 100% untrue." Which gave me a giant, hearty, if-only-you-knew lol. But I also really liked the jokes, in some deranged and twisted fashion. So I figured there's no longer a reason to keep pretending and actually be open about it. I kind of owe Smudge that much. Thanks to him, I feel a lot more comfortable saying "I'm a furry".
! Finally, I found myself a new source of confidence. I have finally reached the point where I fully believe that putting myself out in the open like this won't make any of you think any less of me. I fully believe that you all are capable of seeing beyond this and knowing that, despite my damning interests, I'm still the same Kitsune (you know, the annoying one!) and I don't define myself by my hobbies.
! So why am I even putting this out there in the first place? What do I possibly have to gain by making it known that I'm a furfag? Well, closure. I want to put this behind me and move on instead of let these feelings of inferiority take control. And I want people to take me as I am. If people are going to think less of me because I'm a furry, then, well, I don't think I should value their opinion as much. ^^
! The last thing I want to do, though, is be defined by this. I may say I'm a furry but that doesn't mean it's my only defining character. I'm a writer, a gamer, a One Piece fan, a teacher, a trolling megalomaniacal guy with a god complex and a friend first. But obviously, I just wrote 43674674567456 paragraphs on this, so it is still a part of me I wanted to stop hiding (EVEN THOUGH YOU PEOPLE ALREADY KNEW).
! Basically, I just want to make it known and that's it. Yet, if you want to talk about it, I won't mind. Hit me on IRC, VM me, PM me, I don't care. If you have questions, ask away. I didn't tell you guys this because I want to stop being a furry. Nor did I tell you this to make it some taboo. I think at the core of all this, I just want to be open about it and not let something so insignificant (did I mention harmless?) get me down is all. It's just one less thing to keep me down because I deserve to not be such a negative black hole all the time.~

TL;DR version

! I'm a furfag. Throw rocks at me.

Well, typing all of this out just killed my confidence high… Oh well.~ And now at the time of writing this, I don't have internet access... >_> Meaning this message is going to simmer at my conscience until I chicken out of posting it. Goddammit, life, I hate you!

Holy barrel roll, batman! you're a teacher?!?!?

You have no idea how happy that makes me. I am a teacher myself and having read all you wrote I am really really happy that there's someone with energy and personality and confidence doing such an important job.

I don't know you as much as others, but I'm proud of who you are and you should be as well. Also, I admit I wasn't aware of what furry really meant until you mentioned it, so I feel now much more knowledgeable. I like understanding new things and different people, so I thank you for that lesson. I think a lot of us here can sympathize, because from what I gather (and what I love about being around in AP) people here are sooo weird and interesting, and I am aware a huge part of society refuses to acknowledge uniqueness in individuals.

Also, foxes are awesome, even though I personally am more of a wolf fan.

[Dryish]

I've always thought shoujo-fans are way weirder than furries anyway. In fact, I've never even understood what's so bad about being a furry, and most probably think like that too. We've I've got nothing against you man.

[THE SEA]

Damnit Kitsune you tricked us!!!
stones Kitsune to death

j/k
I don't mind it actually. I am pretty nihilistic on the subject of morality. And even if I wasn't, people should have the right to do whatever they want as long as it doesn't harm others.

[Kitsune Inferno]

@Noqanky:

Holy barrel roll, batman! you're a teacher?!?!?

You have no idea how happy that makes me. I am a teacher myself and having read all you wrote I am really really happy that there's someone with energy and personality and confidence doing such an important job.

Eh, more of a tutor, but I've taught classes before. I don't do it for a living, but it's something I definitely enjoy doing.

It's less to do with the title of teacher, but more to do with the concept. I love to pass on information and explain things, so that's probably why the above confession was so long-winded, because I wanted to "explain" things so much. ^^

[cooldud]

@Kitsune:

I'm currently riding on a confidence high and I feel like disclosing this information isn't going to change anything about how people perceive me because I know I'm an awesome human being and I don't give a fuck no more . : )

! Furries. You know, those creepy people that dress in animal costumes and have sex with each other? Yeah, scum of the internet? Bane of the universe? I'm one of those guys. Yep, I consider myself a furry.
! You might be saying, "This isn't a confession, you already told us!" and you might point at my current user title. Well yeah, I've been using it as a character gimmick to cover up the fact that I really am. Or to at least let it slip through the cracks a bit so that way when this day came, it wouldn't be all that bad, because you all already know.~
! Let's take care of the elephant in the room. I have NOT dressed up in animal costumes and had sex with people. I have NO interest in dressing up in animal costumes and having sex with people. "But, Kitsune!" you're crying. "You just said you're a furry! Now you're saying you aren't?" Nah, I'm still a furry. Let me indulge you a bit on what I mean, though.
! My first contact with furries came in about 2003 or so when a certain CSI episode showcased furries. I was really grossed out and thought that furries were lowly beings on the same level as pedophiles, truck drivers, and people who think Shia Labeouf is entertaining.
! But then I did my research and discovered this underground sex ring called the furry fandom. The only problem? There wasn't a whole lot of sex. In fact, the sex was an underwhelming minority within the fandom. I was confused until I finally understood what furries were. Furries were people who drew "anthros", those silly little cartoon animals that were kind of cool. Furries were people with a hobby, you know, writing, art, music, and even acting (that's what the guys in the fursuits are doing most of the time >>) Furries were basically the otaku equivalent of anthropomorphic characters.
! I think that's when I started getting interested in the fandom, mostly because I liked the art and fiction (though most of it is really bad, some of it is really, really good!). And I was kind of interested in creating stuff myself. And that's how my character, Kitsune Inferno came into existence. I started drawing short comics involving Kitsune Inferno (who was pretty damn generic) until I realized I fail at storytelling AND drawing. I never really became part of the fandom and just lost interest, though I kept the Kitsune Inferno name as my username across the internet.
! Then I came to AP, the first real internet site I became a significant part of. Around this time last year, people began to refer to me as Fox and stuff and I started taking on fox avatars and the like, you know, to go with my username. And then I became Chucklepants Fallupface and I felt a bit hollow. I kind of felt like a part of me was lost and then after a while, I began to understand why.
! Not all, but some furries create an alter ego for themselves that they call their "fursona". Generally, it's just a cartoon character meant to represent either them or who they want to be. No different than an avatar character in an RPG really. In fact, most furries in fursuits don't dress up because they have some strange desire to be an animal or the urge to screw people in costume. It's because they're just cosplaying a character of their own creation, really. That's a bit beside the point, but the reason I felt so empty was because Kitsune Inferno was my fursona.
! To be honest, I wanted to avoid the whole fursona thing. It seemed kind of… I dunno, weird and all, but what's cool about mine is that he's not my creation. He's yours. It's kind of silly, but when you guys refered to me as "Fox" and made references to my imaginary tail or fox fur, it kind of brought my fursona to life. My current avatar is a drawing by Vepe and is probably the image that I most associate with Kitsune Inferno. It served as the biggest contributor of all towards creating him. So yeah, thanks, guys.~ THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT :getlost:
! When I finally began to realize that Kitsune Inferno was like… a part of me (weird, I know), it kind of rekindled my interest in furry art and writing, which at first really really scared me. I don't have the most confidence in the world, and I'm always concerned with how other people perceive me, so I had worried about being "found out" and being stigmatized for having this harmless hobby that everyone associates with beastiality.
! But it was, and still is, a stupid thing to hide. I'm always in fear that everyone will just walk away and abandon me because I'm part of this horrible internet group, but at the same time, I just want people to accept me despite the fact. I almost want to try and change perspectives because, hey, I may be a furry, but I'm also a regular human being that a few of you have the privilege of knowing, so hopefully that sheds light on people's perceptions. I do know I changed one person's perspective on the whole furry thing, so that's a start!~
! So yeah, despite wanting to hide it, I also let the secret slip through a bit in the form of personal satire. Like, for instance, the DURIAN story I've been writingpuking out at random intervals is an example of me letting it slip through a bit without outright stating it. And then there was "The Tim Curry of Furry", which sort of gave me the best coping tool I could ask for.
! Smudge found me out right around then! Well, not really, but he started throwing furry jokes my way. At first, I felt awful when the jokes came, mostly because they preyed on my own internal conflict. But Smudge was never a jerk about it and he meant no ill will towards me, so I knew he was just giving me a hard time, and to be honest, after awhile, it became the aforementioned coping tool I needed. I began to play along with Smudge's jokes and found myself a nice comfort zone where I could "pretend" to be a furry for the sake of a joke. It somehow made it all better. But it still wasn't enough.
! I wasn't ready yet to make it known, at least not obviously. I battled with telling my closest friends on here and always came to the very edge of revealing my little secret whenever I vented. It wasn't until I pushed it out of me in a conversation with Jay that I stopped carrying this depressing, non-existent burden on my shoulders.
! To be fair, Jay did agree that this is quite the stigma. Remember, despite what I've said, furries are these disgusting creatures that stalk the internet and rape animals. So outright telling people would probably destroy me because some people will still think that furries are creepers that need to get a life. I know some of you will respond that way to me when you read this, too.
! But you have to remember that furries and anime and manga fans are quite alike, you know. There are those of us who read and watch and look at anime and manga. There are those of us who draw and write our own manga, and even create our own characters. There are some of us who dress up as our favorite animanga characters or even characters we created. Then there's the minority that do creepy things while in costume… just furries have the added bonus of having their vocal minority take center stage in the public eye.
! Anyway, back to my life story. So as I talked with Jay, I also told trapped, and through them, I got a lot more comfortable with it and slowly but surely let it slip out a bit.But there was still always the fear that people would look at me differently if they knew. That held me back the most.
! But a few small actions led me to this point of confession. First of all, Jay told me that if I tell one person, I'll eventually want to tell everyone. >> Last night I told two more people. Neither said anything discouraging about it. So, Confidence +20!
! Second, Smudge, one of my best unknowing coping mechanisms asked me whether or not I was tired of the furry jokes. He said something like "I will always have a fake furry image of you, even though I know it's 100% untrue." Which gave me a giant, hearty, if-only-you-knew lol. But I also really liked the jokes, in some deranged and twisted fashion. So I figured there's no longer a reason to keep pretending and actually be open about it. I kind of owe Smudge that much. Thanks to him, I feel a lot more comfortable saying "I'm a furry".
! Finally, I found myself a new source of confidence. I have finally reached the point where I fully believe that putting myself out in the open like this won't make any of you think any less of me. I fully believe that you all are capable of seeing beyond this and knowing that, despite my damning interests, I'm still the same Kitsune (you know, the annoying one!) and I don't define myself by my hobbies.
! So why am I even putting this out there in the first place? What do I possibly have to gain by making it known that I'm a furfag? Well, closure. I want to put this behind me and move on instead of let these feelings of inferiority take control. And I want people to take me as I am. If people are going to think less of me because I'm a furry, then, well, I don't think I should value their opinion as much. ^^
! The last thing I want to do, though, is be defined by this. I may say I'm a furry but that doesn't mean it's my only defining character. I'm a writer, a gamer, a One Piece fan, a teacher, a trolling megalomaniacal guy with a god complex and a friend first. But obviously, I just wrote 43674674567456 paragraphs on this, so it is still a part of me I wanted to stop hiding (EVEN THOUGH YOU PEOPLE ALREADY KNEW).
! Basically, I just want to make it known and that's it. Yet, if you want to talk about it, I won't mind. Hit me on IRC, VM me, PM me, I don't care. If you have questions, ask away. I didn't tell you guys this because I want to stop being a furry. Nor did I tell you this to make it some taboo. I think at the core of all this, I just want to be open about it and not let something so insignificant (did I mention harmless?) get me down is all. It's just one less thing to keep me down because I deserve to not be such a negative black hole all the time.~

TL;DR version

! I'm a furfag. Throw rocks at me.

Well, typing all of this out just killed my confidence high… Oh well.~ And now at the time of writing this, I don't have internet access... >_> Meaning this message is going to simmer at my conscience until I chicken out of posting it. Goddammit, life, I hate you!

I read all of it. I was mostly like ~meh~. To be honest I do not know you at all, and I had no idea about what a furry is, but going by what you wrote, you are just another guy with a habit people consider weird. And as you said, it is kinda like being an anime/manga otaku, so I don't think you'll get any hate here.
I just popped in with this because I felt a little acceptance would be nice. I have no problem with you being a furry, and I don't think anyone else should have one either.

[piratemarimo]

reads Kitsune's post

!
who cares! You're still the same Kitsune to me.

[Silence]

@Cuddles:

@Silence: Honestly, I think getting something out is cathartic, but I can understand how bad it can feel to revisit certain memories or being worried about getting burned.
On this site I was extremely lucky to meet with people I could talk to when I was facing a really bad breakdown at how much I felt like I wasted so much of my life doing something bad, and even though it hurt for a long while it eventually got to the point where holding stuff in for too long proved to be a bad idea, but for me the more I let stuff out the less bad everything seemed.
In your case, I think you honestly have to think about the environment you're in and the people you're dealing with before you come to a decision.
That's all I can really say. The rest is up to you.
EDIT: Reads other posts
Or let them know you're not comfortable with this. That works too.

@trappedolphin:

Hey Silence. I don't know you well so I hope this doesn't feel weird.

I completely understand how it feels to not want to deal with something bad that happened in your past, a dark period that makes you feel like crap. You don't want to bring it into the present. You don't want to make it a part of your life again. But (and I know it's a little presumptuous of me to say this) I think your friend Roy came up with this project, not just to bring you guys closer together, but possibly to help you guys individually as well. And ultimately, this is your decision. Are you happy with setting aside whatever happened and ignoring that it ever existed? Or do you want to possibly try to face it and see what happens, see if you've become a stronger person? Neither decision is right or wrong, because both could have negative consequences. (I recently took the latter option and now I'm having nightmares. But I don't regret it.) It sounds like you've been set on a really good path thanks to the great people around you, and there may or may not be a need for you to deal with something that scared you in the past. I don't know whether your past experiences still affect you in the present; you talking about discovering things you never knew about yourself suggests to me that this experience could be a good, eye-opening one for you. But that's just an assumption about the future.

I have a suggestion. Just a suggestion, it's totally your own prerogative to take it or not. Write it. Write it however you want to, however you feel like it, without giving any thought to the possibility of someone reading it. Write everything out, everything that you're afraid of and even how you feel about writing it, if you want to. You can decide whether to share it or not after that, based on how you feel after remembering all those experiences. The most important thing is that you feel safe. If there are some people you aren't as close to in the group, I think it's okay to not share it publicly when you guys are reading it aloud or w/e, and maybe approach a couple of those people you're closer to, people you feel safe with, and go "hey this is what I wrote, I don't want to share it with everyone but I trust you and I want to share it with you. I would really appreciate it if you could read it." Or, you could just leave it aside after writing it and let your own thoughts simmer.

Either way, I just feel like what your friends would say if you don't share should not be your priority or concern. Let Roy know if you don't want to share, and let him handle the situation - I'm assuming he's reliable and trustworthy, from what you said. There might be silence if you tell the group what happened, but sometimes… it's just hard for people to know what to say. It's painful, but know that it is by no means a result of judging you or them changing their opinion of you. I'm certain that, whoever they are, they like you for who you are now.

:)

I took your advice to heart.

! Ultimately I wrote it out, after much fussing about it.
! What was supposed to be 800 words ended up 1,600 words and probably would've gone on for much more if I hadn't the sense to stop myself. I went into it, knowing it was just for me and it felt a lot more natural (and honest) than if I put things down expecting to have to repeat them. My most terrifying experiences are, again, nothing that much talking about them could change. Thinking about them causes my mind to wander off in another direction - as if they're an invisible wall that it's just better to go around. Stopping to acknowledge the wall means acknowledging hard emotions - emotions which, as long as I keep positive and do as I ought to, have no weight on me. Well, less weight at least. I can't change the past: what good does drowning in it do? And yet there I was, putting it to paper.
! But I discovered, with some surprise, that the old wounds didn't hurt so much. I wrestled, agonized, all week with this, but when I actually got things on paper, the worrying was worse than the writing. Far worse. Mostly it just tired me, like climbing an old familiar mountain road that's been trod many, many times. I didn't even feel like I belonged back on it, I was so far away from what was being written. There were times when I had to stop and compose my thoughts, but mostly, I was just tired.
! I get tired of the recriminations. My heart isn't in all the self-hate anymore; I am so beyond it.
! The writing mostly confirmed what I knew: There's nothing I can do about what happened years ago. What is happening further and further away with each passing second. I want to think about tomorrow's seconds and the seconds after that. But it was good for me, because it reaffirmed my habit of avoiding uncomfortable experiences, heaping worry atop worry when just stopping to deal with them was all I ever needed to do. I still have lingering issues that need to be dealt with - if I'm honest, with therapy. But for now I'm fine. I'm on the right track. This Spring wasn't for nothing. :)
! Also, I talked with Nari. She told me to follow my heart.
! My heart told me that while the others are good friends, there are some things I'd like them to know a little better about myself before I go dropping any mountains on them. I don't personally feel as if everyone should know everything about you. I know that I'm normally so reticent about stuff that actually holds meaning to me, that when given an opportunity to unload I go all out, and it can be overwhelming. Rather than being worried about judgement, I'm mostly concerned with crossing each bridge in its proper order. So with that in mind, I've decided to let the others know I won't be sharing, but why, when we meet up tomorrow. I'm feeling good about them being understanding.
! I let Roy know that I wrote my submission, but that I didn't feel comfortable sharing it - and understanding is what I got from him, so I like my odds. He confirmed that he knew it was a tough assignment, but that it was designed to work the writer. He was sorry, and didn't mean for it to be a painful experience. He admitted that he thought it would be a good way for all of us to write something a bit more serious, and to give what we wrote more thought. He hadn't considered it past that, and said he should've thought about it more himself. He says the others will be cool with it – and if not that HE'LL KILL THEM.
! I'm liking my odds that he won't have to.

So I've got some good friends. :)

Both there, and here, at AP. Thank you all so much for your advice and guidance! It made what could have been nothing but worries and frustration and "what-ifs" into another landmark passed.

I'm not sure if I'm done with that tired old road, but I'm glad that I'm putting so much of it behind me.

–-

@Kitsune: Hey! Hey you! Guess what? I figured as much!

Hey! Hey you! Guess what?

Disclosing this information isn't going to change anything about how I perceive you because I know you are awesome human being and I don't give a fuck.

I've grown out of all those old prejudices; that skin doesn't fit me anymore, not in ages. People getting cyber-bullied makes my stomach turn, no matter who they are. Lord knows I've gotten it. So, I tip my hat to you, you brave brave sir! You've got incredible courage and I have nothing but respect for you. Keep writing Concerto di Ali chapters, and we'll be thick as thieves. :3

[ChesCa]

Tired and working, so this will be quick:
@Kitsune: Hooray! You're brave!
…And I also don't give a damn. It's almost insulting, right?:P
@Silence: That's good man. Glad that things are going right for you. :)

[Hiroy]

I draw furies for money(fuck it.. for free) on Fur Affinity. Not because I'm a sellout. Because antros were a nice break. If you feel shame, then share your shame with me.

[zachri]

@Kitsune:

I'm currently riding on a confidence high and I feel like disclosing this information isn't going to change anything about how people perceive me because I know I'm an awesome human being and I don't give a fuck no more . : )

! Furries. You know, those creepy people that dress in animal costumes and have sex with each other? Yeah, scum of the internet? Bane of the universe? I'm one of those guys. Yep, I consider myself a furry.
! You might be saying, "This isn't a confession, you already told us!" and you might point at my current user title. Well yeah, I've been using it as a character gimmick to cover up the fact that I really am. Or to at least let it slip through the cracks a bit so that way when this day came, it wouldn't be all that bad, because you all already know.~
! Let's take care of the elephant in the room. I have NOT dressed up in animal costumes and had sex with people. I have NO interest in dressing up in animal costumes and having sex with people. "But, Kitsune!" you're crying. "You just said you're a furry! Now you're saying you aren't?" Nah, I'm still a furry. Let me indulge you a bit on what I mean, though.
! My first contact with furries came in about 2003 or so when a certain CSI episode showcased furries. I was really grossed out and thought that furries were lowly beings on the same level as pedophiles, truck drivers, and people who think Shia Labeouf is entertaining.
! But then I did my research and discovered this underground sex ring called the furry fandom. The only problem? There wasn't a whole lot of sex. In fact, the sex was an underwhelming minority within the fandom. I was confused until I finally understood what furries were. Furries were people who drew "anthros", those silly little cartoon animals that were kind of cool. Furries were people with a hobby, you know, writing, art, music, and even acting (that's what the guys in the fursuits are doing most of the time >>) Furries were basically the otaku equivalent of anthropomorphic characters.
! I think that's when I started getting interested in the fandom, mostly because I liked the art and fiction (though most of it is really bad, some of it is really, really good!). And I was kind of interested in creating stuff myself. And that's how my character, Kitsune Inferno came into existence. I started drawing short comics involving Kitsune Inferno (who was pretty damn generic) until I realized I fail at storytelling AND drawing. I never really became part of the fandom and just lost interest, though I kept the Kitsune Inferno name as my username across the internet.
! Then I came to AP, the first real internet site I became a significant part of. Around this time last year, people began to refer to me as Fox and stuff and I started taking on fox avatars and the like, you know, to go with my username. And then I became Chucklepants Fallupface and I felt a bit hollow. I kind of felt like a part of me was lost and then after a while, I began to understand why.
! Not all, but some furries create an alter ego for themselves that they call their "fursona". Generally, it's just a cartoon character meant to represent either them or who they want to be. No different than an avatar character in an RPG really. In fact, most furries in fursuits don't dress up because they have some strange desire to be an animal or the urge to screw people in costume. It's because they're just cosplaying a character of their own creation, really. That's a bit beside the point, but the reason I felt so empty was because Kitsune Inferno was my fursona.
! To be honest, I wanted to avoid the whole fursona thing. It seemed kind of… I dunno, weird and all, but what's cool about mine is that he's not my creation. He's yours. It's kind of silly, but when you guys refered to me as "Fox" and made references to my imaginary tail or fox fur, it kind of brought my fursona to life. My current avatar is a drawing by Vepe and is probably the image that I most associate with Kitsune Inferno. It served as the biggest contributor of all towards creating him. So yeah, thanks, guys.~ THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT :getlost:
! When I finally began to realize that Kitsune Inferno was like… a part of me (weird, I know), it kind of rekindled my interest in furry art and writing, which at first really really scared me. I don't have the most confidence in the world, and I'm always concerned with how other people perceive me, so I had worried about being "found out" and being stigmatized for having this harmless hobby that everyone associates with beastiality.
! But it was, and still is, a stupid thing to hide. I'm always in fear that everyone will just walk away and abandon me because I'm part of this horrible internet group, but at the same time, I just want people to accept me despite the fact. I almost want to try and change perspectives because, hey, I may be a furry, but I'm also a regular human being that a few of you have the privilege of knowing, so hopefully that sheds light on people's perceptions. I do know I changed one person's perspective on the whole furry thing, so that's a start!~
! So yeah, despite wanting to hide it, I also let the secret slip through a bit in the form of personal satire. Like, for instance, the DURIAN story I've been writingpuking out at random intervals is an example of me letting it slip through a bit without outright stating it. And then there was "The Tim Curry of Furry", which sort of gave me the best coping tool I could ask for.
! Smudge found me out right around then! Well, not really, but he started throwing furry jokes my way. At first, I felt awful when the jokes came, mostly because they preyed on my own internal conflict. But Smudge was never a jerk about it and he meant no ill will towards me, so I knew he was just giving me a hard time, and to be honest, after awhile, it became the aforementioned coping tool I needed. I began to play along with Smudge's jokes and found myself a nice comfort zone where I could "pretend" to be a furry for the sake of a joke. It somehow made it all better. But it still wasn't enough.
! I wasn't ready yet to make it known, at least not obviously. I battled with telling my closest friends on here and always came to the very edge of revealing my little secret whenever I vented. It wasn't until I pushed it out of me in a conversation with Jay that I stopped carrying this depressing, non-existent burden on my shoulders.
! To be fair, Jay did agree that this is quite the stigma. Remember, despite what I've said, furries are these disgusting creatures that stalk the internet and rape animals. So outright telling people would probably destroy me because some people will still think that furries are creepers that need to get a life. I know some of you will respond that way to me when you read this, too.
! But you have to remember that furries and anime and manga fans are quite alike, you know. There are those of us who read and watch and look at anime and manga. There are those of us who draw and write our own manga, and even create our own characters. There are some of us who dress up as our favorite animanga characters or even characters we created. Then there's the minority that do creepy things while in costume… just furries have the added bonus of having their vocal minority take center stage in the public eye.
! Anyway, back to my life story. So as I talked with Jay, I also told trapped, and through them, I got a lot more comfortable with it and slowly but surely let it slip out a bit.But there was still always the fear that people would look at me differently if they knew. That held me back the most.
! But a few small actions led me to this point of confession. First of all, Jay told me that if I tell one person, I'll eventually want to tell everyone. >> Last night I told two more people. Neither said anything discouraging about it. So, Confidence +20!
! Second, Smudge, one of my best unknowing coping mechanisms asked me whether or not I was tired of the furry jokes. He said something like "I will always have a fake furry image of you, even though I know it's 100% untrue." Which gave me a giant, hearty, if-only-you-knew lol. But I also really liked the jokes, in some deranged and twisted fashion. So I figured there's no longer a reason to keep pretending and actually be open about it. I kind of owe Smudge that much. Thanks to him, I feel a lot more comfortable saying "I'm a furry".
! Finally, I found myself a new source of confidence. I have finally reached the point where I fully believe that putting myself out in the open like this won't make any of you think any less of me. I fully believe that you all are capable of seeing beyond this and knowing that, despite my damning interests, I'm still the same Kitsune (you know, the annoying one!) and I don't define myself by my hobbies.
! So why am I even putting this out there in the first place? What do I possibly have to gain by making it known that I'm a furfag? Well, closure. I want to put this behind me and move on instead of let these feelings of inferiority take control. And I want people to take me as I am. If people are going to think less of me because I'm a furry, then, well, I don't think I should value their opinion as much. ^^
! The last thing I want to do, though, is be defined by this. I may say I'm a furry but that doesn't mean it's my only defining character. I'm a writer, a gamer, a One Piece fan, a teacher, a trolling megalomaniacal guy with a god complex and a friend first. But obviously, I just wrote 43674674567456 paragraphs on this, so it is still a part of me I wanted to stop hiding (EVEN THOUGH YOU PEOPLE ALREADY KNEW).
! Basically, I just want to make it known and that's it. Yet, if you want to talk about it, I won't mind. Hit me on IRC, VM me, PM me, I don't care. If you have questions, ask away. I didn't tell you guys this because I want to stop being a furry. Nor did I tell you this to make it some taboo. I think at the core of all this, I just want to be open about it and not let something so insignificant (did I mention harmless?) get me down is all. It's just one less thing to keep me down because I deserve to not be such a negative black hole all the time.~

TL;DR version

! I'm a furfag. Throw rocks at me.

Well, typing all of this out just killed my confidence high… Oh well.~ And now at the time of writing this, I don't have internet access... >_> Meaning this message is going to simmer at my conscience until I chicken out of posting it. Goddammit, life, I hate you!

A teacher and a furry fan?
I see nothing wrong with that ;D
You will still be our Kitty B) hurrhurr
and anyways…
[hide]I see nothing wrong with liking furries, definitely not as bad as being a fan of the whole wg stuff… heck I even draw that s**t ; A ;
what the hell is wrong with me srsly.[/hide]

@Noqanky:

Well, college is that time in life in which you find out stuff, like who you are and what you want. Just do your best to not hurt people or yourself too much, and you'll be good … even bad experiences will be necessary in order to learn, so don't stress too much if they do come along.

I guess… hopefully I'll be able to gain more confidence, otherwise I'm screwed D||

[bartholemew kuma]

To Hiroy over the last confession. That was very brutal the way you had to live your childhood and i feel your pain, though in a slightly different way. Back in my primary "elementary" school days, my father received a job offer in the town of Wick up north in Scotland where i stayed for almost a year. I had to attend the most racist piece of shit school that was in the town, it was the only school too.
It would go from name calling such as Paki, browny, dirt and such to even be called a terrorist by one of my teachers. I was not allowed to do anything christmas related, easter related and the such. I did not have any friends or people who would want to be friends with me. I guess that was the first time in my life that i was depressed (though i don't believe in depression anymore) and i would scream every day I WANT TO GO BACK TO GLASGOW!!
What power does a 10 year old have over this kind of decision. The finals exam i had to take alone in a different room on my own for some reason i do not know. I agree with you over your statement to the AP and hopefully we can all make a difference.
@SIlence, Do what you think is right and don't fall to any pressure. Everyone else has explained this better.

[tigerlilly]

@Monkey:

I'm not sure why I haven't told anyone this yet since I'm not the type to be bothered by letting others know about it, or maybe it's because it doesn't personally make me feel awkward that I don't like other people getting all emotional about it or something.

Anyway, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer about three or so months and just had it removed yesterday, I'm fine now since it's an easy cancer that they just had to sugically remove, nothing like the Leukemia my dad spent three different hospital periods trying to eliminate over five years.
The thing is they had to take out my thyroid so I'll be on pills for the rest of my life. And the operation has left me with a really sore throat which will last for awhile and I'm only able to speak right now with either a 12 year old boy cracking voice, or a deep ragged voice that girls really seem to like.

Anyway I'm cancer free.

I know I'm just another random person on the web, but for fucks sake was I shocked when I read the first part of the paragraph and by god was I relieved to no end when I reached the last sentence.
I am extremely glad that you are cancer free.
I don't need to tell you to keep your head up, do I! I know you are a tough one! Still, I couldn't help but worry!
I don't know what esle to say, but send you my very very best wishes for the future.
We always tend to forget, our health is the most important thing, so I'm happy you are healthy now.

@Hiroy:

Hm.

[hide]
I just felt like sharing something that I don't usually like talking about. Not that I think many people care anyway, but here is better than other places I have in mind.

I use to live in the Caribbean. Trinidad and Tobago. A little tiny island above Venezuela. I grew up and was raised there for about 11 years with my sister and mom. My dad lived in Miami in the US with another woman. Even then, he sent my mom little money a few times a year. But let's skip this story ahead to the point. There was huge exam that took place at the end of "Primary school"(basically elementary) that decided what kind of high school we were going to enter. During this period, my dad was in the hospital sick. We talked with him on the phone a few times and it seemed as if he was going to do alright. Then came the day where I saw my mom talking to my teacher at school. It was strange… She really visited the school aside from the times she was called in to deal with me(I had a serious temper at one point...I'll get to that). I felt uneasy as they kept looking at me while I was outside.

When I got home that day, mom was acting real strange. I then took a stance and asked her if dad died because that was my worst possible assumption. She then started crying, which was a huge shock to me because my assumption was true. Skipping over the mourning to the next day of school, I noticed that everyone started treating me differently... pretending to my friend... speaking to me in a soft tone... everything that was the opposite of a normal day for me. It was obvious to me that the teacher told everyone. Why would this teacher tell everyone something that was supposed to be a secret between her and my mom? Here's why.

I was always the bastard child at the school. I cried over the littlest of things, and people (including staff) made fun of me for it. They would rip on my drawings(literally). Some kids would even plan to gang together and beat me up. I was even "stabbed" in the shoulders with a pencil from some supposed "young famous" musician(I say famous because that's why he got away with it... at least it wasn't too fatal due the the points not being sharp). There were even times in where I was accused of things that I didn't have any knowledge about. It was rough, especially since the result was always corporal punishment not matter how hard I desperately tried to defend myself. Even in class... I was smart and knew alot of things, but teachers would accuse me of cheating whenever I get a single shining moment prove myself.

At one point I developed a serious temper because I really hated them. Out of hatred I beat up alot of people, and even got my own ass kicked from those I knew were stronger than me(upperclassman) to prove a point. This all came to and end when I was restrained by the principal himself. It was then that the whole staff wanted me out of the school... From there I decided to calm down and tried not to care, even though it was still tough. I was still accused for things I didn't do, and I was put down rather than praised whenever I did something good.

Now moving the story forward. Back to the period where the information behind my dad dying got leaked to the entire school body. The teacher only told everyone because she felt sorry for me. Probably regretting all the spiteful things she done herself. It was sickening to me. Seeing all these people that didn't give a shit about me suddenly giving a shit. It was the worst feeling in the world for me. Even thinking about it now pisses me off a bit, though not as much. I literally cried for half the day in some corner by myself. Not because of my dad. I did that the day before. It was because I didn't like the sudden affection I was getting. Deep inside, I just wanted to be hated. I'll stop this part here.

Anyhows, I managed to sit the exam and score above most people in the class. Whoopie. Seriously. Before the exam, the staff and the other kids didn't really believe I would have passed it or get into a good high school. I showed them... I think. After the exam, we flew to Miami for dad's funeral and then we eventually decided to stay and never go back. It was saddening to me at first... Passing that exam and getting into good high school. It felt like I was robbed the chance to rub my success in all my offender's faces, but I suppose the move was a good thing. I no longer had a reason to be angry. And that's it for now. There's another story about my dad, but maybe another time. While I loved him, I really hated him.

Now to connect this with something AP related
[hide]
That said, I think all these experiences had made me the person I am today. Even the way I present myself on this site. It ticks me off to see users openly ganging up and attacking a single person due to petulant and outright selfish reasons, especially if the target in question isn't really all that bad a person(otherwise, I won't really care). To tell the truth, I wonder if some of you guys have any fucking remorse or a shred of humanity. It's like all some of you care about is putting down someone for the sakes of doing so. Sure there are idiots, but there's a fine line between idiocy and a straight up misunderstanding or misinterpretation of character. One of my friends was publicly humiliated to a point she was crying and feeling suicidal(it didn't help that several of out Twitter convos leaked here). I helped her through it and it's not a big deal now, but I'll never forgive what happened. I'm sure some of you know what I'm talking about, and I sure some of you would pretend to not know as an attempt to ask me for details in curious manner(in that case, shove it. I'm not saying anything).

My point is, I feel as if no decent human being should be put down in such a cruel and relentless manner despite some obvious flaws. There's much I would like to do make things change, but the best I can do is gather as much people as I can on my side. I have shared the full portion of this end of the story with my other friends on this site, and even expressed my concerns to some of the staff. I'm just that powerless on my own.

Anyway, it's quiet here on AP now but I wanted to get this off my chest. I'm just tired of holding this in for too long.
[/hide]

And there's my confession for those who care.

[/hide]

@Hiroy:

@piratemarimo: I can think of a couple of girls I was dissapointed in that day. One was easily oblivious to what others think, so she's innocent despite the fuel she added to the fire. The other one I have in mind is spiteful and rides on the fact that she's "more liked" to get away with saying awful things(also dismissive). There's a third one too… but I dunno. We are friends, and I think we can talk it out if we can. PM me if you want to share your feelings on the case however. The more I know from people that were strongly against what had happened, the better.

Wow Hiroy, despite all this bullshit you went through you are still the good guy you are today! I consider you very fun to be around with, snarky (in the best way) and well spirited when it calls for it. Nobody should go through what you went through. Yet atleast you can say that you grew through it, as bitter as it sounds. The clean cut that you had when you left was probably a stroke of luck however. So you could get distance from that story both mentally and physically.

About the AP related story, I can't say I am proud of my actions on that day and I can't help but feel adressed at some parts. I'm really curious and would just like to know for myself.
Did she or you perceive me as one of the "bullies" on that day? Just so I can put things into persepective. You can also take it to PM if you don't want to talk about it here, but if you wanna answer in this thread I'm cool with that.

[trappedolphin]

@Kitsune:

! Furries. You know, those creepy people that dress in animal costumes and have sex with each other? Yeah, scum of the internet? Bane of the universe? I'm one of those guys. Yep, I consider myself a furry.
! You might be saying, "This isn't a confession, you already told us!" and you might point at my current user title. Well yeah, I've been using it as a character gimmick to cover up the fact that I really am. Or to at least let it slip through the cracks a bit so that way when this day came, it wouldn't be all that bad, because you all already know.~
! Let's take care of the elephant in the room. I have NOT dressed up in animal costumes and had sex with people. I have NO interest in dressing up in animal costumes and having sex with people. "But, Kitsune!" you're crying. "You just said you're a furry! Now you're saying you aren't?" Nah, I'm still a furry. Let me indulge you a bit on what I mean, though.
! My first contact with furries came in about 2003 or so when a certain CSI episode showcased furries. I was really grossed out and thought that furries were lowly beings on the same level as pedophiles, truck drivers, and people who think Shia Labeouf is entertaining.
! But then I did my research and discovered this underground sex ring called the furry fandom. The only problem? There wasn't a whole lot of sex. In fact, the sex was an underwhelming minority within the fandom. I was confused until I finally understood what furries were. Furries were people who drew "anthros", those silly little cartoon animals that were kind of cool. Furries were people with a hobby, you know, writing, art, music, and even acting (that's what the guys in the fursuits are doing most of the time >>) Furries were basically the otaku equivalent of anthropomorphic characters.
! I think that's when I started getting interested in the fandom, mostly because I liked the art and fiction (though most of it is really bad, some of it is really, really good!). And I was kind of interested in creating stuff myself. And that's how my character, Kitsune Inferno came into existence. I started drawing short comics involving Kitsune Inferno (who was pretty damn generic) until I realized I fail at storytelling AND drawing. I never really became part of the fandom and just lost interest, though I kept the Kitsune Inferno name as my username across the internet.
! Then I came to AP, the first real internet site I became a significant part of. Around this time last year, people began to refer to me as Fox and stuff and I started taking on fox avatars and the like, you know, to go with my username. And then I became Chucklepants Fallupface and I felt a bit hollow. I kind of felt like a part of me was lost and then after a while, I began to understand why.
! Not all, but some furries create an alter ego for themselves that they call their "fursona". Generally, it's just a cartoon character meant to represent either them or who they want to be. No different than an avatar character in an RPG really. In fact, most furries in fursuits don't dress up because they have some strange desire to be an animal or the urge to screw people in costume. It's because they're just cosplaying a character of their own creation, really. That's a bit beside the point, but the reason I felt so empty was because Kitsune Inferno was my fursona.
! To be honest, I wanted to avoid the whole fursona thing. It seemed kind of… I dunno, weird and all, but what's cool about mine is that he's not my creation. He's yours. It's kind of silly, but when you guys refered to me as "Fox" and made references to my imaginary tail or fox fur, it kind of brought my fursona to life. My current avatar is a drawing by Vepe and is probably the image that I most associate with Kitsune Inferno. It served as the biggest contributor of all towards creating him. So yeah, thanks, guys.~ THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT :getlost:
! When I finally began to realize that Kitsune Inferno was like… a part of me (weird, I know), it kind of rekindled my interest in furry art and writing, which at first really really scared me. I don't have the most confidence in the world, and I'm always concerned with how other people perceive me, so I had worried about being "found out" and being stigmatized for having this harmless hobby that everyone associates with beastiality.
! But it was, and still is, a stupid thing to hide. I'm always in fear that everyone will just walk away and abandon me because I'm part of this horrible internet group, but at the same time, I just want people to accept me despite the fact. I almost want to try and change perspectives because, hey, I may be a furry, but I'm also a regular human being that a few of you have the privilege of knowing, so hopefully that sheds light on people's perceptions. I do know I changed one person's perspective on the whole furry thing, so that's a start!~
! So yeah, despite wanting to hide it, I also let the secret slip through a bit in the form of personal satire. Like, for instance, the DURIAN story I've been writingpuking out at random intervals is an example of me letting it slip through a bit without outright stating it. And then there was "The Tim Curry of Furry", which sort of gave me the best coping tool I could ask for.
! Smudge found me out right around then! Well, not really, but he started throwing furry jokes my way. At first, I felt awful when the jokes came, mostly because they preyed on my own internal conflict. But Smudge was never a jerk about it and he meant no ill will towards me, so I knew he was just giving me a hard time, and to be honest, after awhile, it became the aforementioned coping tool I needed. I began to play along with Smudge's jokes and found myself a nice comfort zone where I could "pretend" to be a furry for the sake of a joke. It somehow made it all better. But it still wasn't enough.
! I wasn't ready yet to make it known, at least not obviously. I battled with telling my closest friends on here and always came to the very edge of revealing my little secret whenever I vented. It wasn't until I pushed it out of me in a conversation with Jay that I stopped carrying this depressing, non-existent burden on my shoulders.
! To be fair, Jay did agree that this is quite the stigma. Remember, despite what I've said, furries are these disgusting creatures that stalk the internet and rape animals. So outright telling people would probably destroy me because some people will still think that furries are creepers that need to get a life. I know some of you will respond that way to me when you read this, too.
! But you have to remember that furries and anime and manga fans are quite alike, you know. There are those of us who read and watch and look at anime and manga. There are those of us who draw and write our own manga, and even create our own characters. There are some of us who dress up as our favorite animanga characters or even characters we created. Then there's the minority that do creepy things while in costume… just furries have the added bonus of having their vocal minority take center stage in the public eye.
! Anyway, back to my life story. So as I talked with Jay, I also told trapped, and through them, I got a lot more comfortable with it and slowly but surely let it slip out a bit.But there was still always the fear that people would look at me differently if they knew. That held me back the most.
! But a few small actions led me to this point of confession. First of all, Jay told me that if I tell one person, I'll eventually want to tell everyone. >> Last night I told two more people. Neither said anything discouraging about it. So, Confidence +20!
! Second, Smudge, one of my best unknowing coping mechanisms asked me whether or not I was tired of the furry jokes. He said something like "I will always have a fake furry image of you, even though I know it's 100% untrue." Which gave me a giant, hearty, if-only-you-knew lol. But I also really liked the jokes, in some deranged and twisted fashion. So I figured there's no longer a reason to keep pretending and actually be open about it. I kind of owe Smudge that much. Thanks to him, I feel a lot more comfortable saying "I'm a furry".
! Finally, I found myself a new source of confidence. I have finally reached the point where I fully believe that putting myself out in the open like this won't make any of you think any less of me. I fully believe that you all are capable of seeing beyond this and knowing that, despite my damning interests, I'm still the same Kitsune (you know, the annoying one!) and I don't define myself by my hobbies.
! So why am I even putting this out there in the first place? What do I possibly have to gain by making it known that I'm a furfag? Well, closure. I want to put this behind me and move on instead of let these feelings of inferiority take control. And I want people to take me as I am. If people are going to think less of me because I'm a furry, then, well, I don't think I should value their opinion as much. ^^
! The last thing I want to do, though, is be defined by this. I may say I'm a furry but that doesn't mean it's my only defining character. I'm a writer, a gamer, a One Piece fan, a teacher, a trolling megalomaniacal guy with a god complex and a friend first. But obviously, I just wrote 43674674567456 paragraphs on this, so it is still a part of me I wanted to stop hiding (EVEN THOUGH YOU PEOPLE ALREADY KNEW).
! Basically, I just want to make it known and that's it. Yet, if you want to talk about it, I won't mind. Hit me on IRC, VM me, PM me, I don't care. If you have questions, ask away. I didn't tell you guys this because I want to stop being a furry. Nor did I tell you this to make it some taboo. I think at the core of all this, I just want to be open about it and not let something so insignificant (did I mention harmless?) get me down is all. It's just one less thing to keep me down because I deserve to not be such a negative black hole all the time.~

Yay, you did it~ :)

Like everyone else has said, it doesn't really matter. I never knew much about it (I learned a lot from what you just said) and it just seems like a hobby to me; there are much weirder things out there XD And like you said, it doesn't define who you are. You're an awesome friend and a great person. :)

(BFF's reaction made me laugh so hard.)

@Silence:

I took your advice to heart.

! Ultimately I wrote it out, after much fussing about it.
! What was supposed to be 800 words ended up 1,600 words and probably would've gone on for much more if I hadn't the sense to stop myself. I went into it, knowing it was just for me and it felt a lot more natural (and honest) than if I put things down expecting to have to repeat them. My most terrifying experiences are, again, nothing that much talking about them could change. Thinking about them causes my mind to wander off in another direction - as if they're an invisible wall that it's just better to go around. Stopping to acknowledge the wall means acknowledging hard emotions - emotions which, as long as I keep positive and do as I ought to, have no weight on me. Well, less weight at least. I can't change the past: what good does drowning in it do? And yet there I was, putting it to paper.
! But I discovered, with some surprise, that the old wounds didn't hurt so much. I wrestled, agonized, all week with this, but when I actually got things on paper, the worrying was worse than the writing. Far worse. Mostly it just tired me, like climbing an old familiar mountain road that's been trod many, many times. I didn't even feel like I belonged back on it, I was so far away from what was being written. There were times when I had to stop and compose my thoughts, but mostly, I was just tired.
! I get tired of the recriminations. My heart isn't in all the self-hate anymore; I am so beyond it.
! The writing mostly confirmed what I knew: There's nothing I can do about what happened years ago. What is happening further and further away with each passing second. I want to think about tomorrow's seconds and the seconds after that. But it was good for me, because it reaffirmed my habit of avoiding uncomfortable experiences, heaping worry atop worry when just stopping to deal with them was all I ever needed to do. I still have lingering issues that need to be dealt with - if I'm honest, with therapy. But for now I'm fine. I'm on the right track. This Spring wasn't for nothing. :)
! Also, I talked with Nari. She told me to follow my heart.
! My heart told me that while the others are good friends, there are some things I'd like them to know a little better about myself before I go dropping any mountains on them. I don't personally feel as if everyone should know everything about you. I know that I'm normally so reticent about stuff that actually holds meaning to me, that when given an opportunity to unload I go all out, and it can be overwhelming. Rather than being worried about judgement, I'm mostly concerned with crossing each bridge in its proper order. So with that in mind, I've decided to let the others know I won't be sharing, but why, when we meet up tomorrow. I'm feeling good about them being understanding.
! I let Roy know that I wrote my submission, but that I didn't feel comfortable sharing it - and understanding is what I got from him, so I like my odds. He confirmed that he knew it was a tough assignment, but that it was designed to work the writer. He was sorry, and didn't mean for it to be a painful experience. He admitted that he thought it would be a good way for all of us to write something a bit more serious, and to give what we wrote more thought. He hadn't considered it past that, and said he should've thought about it more himself. He says the others will be cool with it – and if not that HE'LL KILL THEM.
! I'm liking my odds that he won't have to.

So I've got some good friends. :)

Both there, and here, at AP. Thank you all so much for your advice and guidance! It made what could have been nothing but worries and frustration and "what-ifs" into another landmark passed.

I'm not sure if I'm done with that tired old road, but I'm glad that I'm putting so much of it behind me.

That's so AWESOME, I'm really happy for you. I'm glad that you found you've become stronger :) And yeah, it sounds like you have been blessed with really good friends. I hope things keep getting better for you :)

[Kitsune Inferno]

@Hiroy:

I draw furies for money(fuck it.. for free) on Fur Affinity. Not because I'm a sellout. Because antros were a nice break. If you feel shame, then share your shame with me.

Noooooo, you found my hideout…

--- Update From New Post Merge ---

Anyway, yeah, thanks guys, even in hindsight I see this as no big deal in the first place. I guess what I was scared of most was immaturity and dissociation, even though I knew there wasn't anything wrong with it.

At least that's one less thing bringing me down in the end.~

[RPGJay]

I told you that it'd be fine.

[Mr M]

I don't care really , never understood all the things about :ewwwww furries , so don't worry about that Ki

[Nia]

My little sister dresses like a slut and it bothers me.

! She always "rants" about how every guy she meets stares at her like she's a hooker (she's clearly enjoying the attention), but seriously, even I would stare at her in disbelieve.
That one dress she has is so short that she can hardly walk in it without anything showing, let alone sit down. Our parents told her to at least wear opaque tights, but the KIND she wears make it look even more slutty. Thus, our parents forbade her to wear that in school, but … our parents aren't here all the time. And she doesn't mind if I know because she trusts me.
She has that one loose shirt that shows pretty much everything if she doesn't pay attention every single minute. And during this summer she hardly put on anything but hotpants, no matter where she went.
! I'm not a prude. Heavens no. And I do admit that my sisters has the body to wear those things, but it's just too much to wear that as everyday clothes. Plus, she's 16! Short shorts/short dreses + plunging neckline (is that what it's called..?) + on occasion those patterned tights. She also has a few pairs of high heels, but she can't walk in them for very long. But God knows she still wears them whenever she can. That's fine, really, but combined with those other things I listed…
Plus, she likes to put photos like this everywhere on the internet. Pictures of her cleavage, pictures of her wearing no pants at all and a shirt that's just long enough to cover everything ... all under the cover of "artsy photographs", if you know what I mean. The focus is always on something else, like what's written on her shirt, but it's still there.Maybe I'm being over-protective, but it just bothers me. I'm not her mother, I shouldn't tell her what to do, especially since our parents do that already anyway. I won't bust her ass whenever she wears something like this without our parents knowing or when her boyfriend comes over at 4am, but I have to tell someone - which is where this thread comes in.

[bartholemew kuma]

This human you are talking about is your sister, and it is your duty to protect and guide your little sister through her life. If she isn't listening to her parents then you must take a different approach, especially if she trusts you. 16 is a very important year in anybody's life. Depending on the boys age coming at 4am at night is crazy. They have enough time to hang around in the other 18 hours that their awake.

[No Maam]

@Nia:

My little sister dresses like a slut and it bothers me.

! She always "rants" about how every guy she meets stares at her like she's a hooker (she's clearly enjoying the attention), but seriously, even I would stare at her in disbelieve.
That one dress she has is so short that she can hardly walk in it without anything showing, let alone sit down. Our parents told her to at least wear opaque tights, but the KIND she wears make it look even more slutty. Thus, our parents forbade her to wear that in school, but … our parents aren't here all the time. And she doesn't mind if I know because she trusts me.
She has that one loose shirt that shows pretty much everything if she doesn't pay attention every single minute. And during this summer she hardly put on anything but hotpants, no matter where she went.
! I'm not a prude. Heavens no. And I do admit that my sisters has the body to wear those things, but it's just too much to wear that as everyday clothes. Plus, she's 16! Short shorts/short dreses + plunging neckline (is that what it's called..?) + on occasion those patterned tights. She also has a few pairs of high heels, but she can't walk in them for very long. But God knows she still wears them whenever she can. That's fine, really, but combined with those other things I listed…
Plus, she likes to put photos like this everywhere on the internet. Pictures of her cleavage, pictures of her wearing no pants at all and a shirt that's just long enough to cover everything ... all under the cover of "artsy photographs", if you know what I mean. The focus is always on something else, like what's written on her shirt, but it's still there.Maybe I'm being over-protective, but it just bothers me. I'm not her mother, I shouldn't tell her what to do, especially since our parents do that already anyway. I won't bust her ass whenever she wears something like this without our parents knowing or when her boyfriend comes over at 4am, but I have to tell someone - which is where this thread comes in.

How possible would the option of her having a slight exhibitionist streak be ?

Honestly, I think that it depends on what kind of neighbourhood you live in. If she wants to dress like a slut, she has every right to, but things could get ugly.

Sorry for the uplifting feedback.

[Nia]

@bartholemew:

This human you are talking about is your sister, and it is your duty to protect and guide your little sister through her life. If she isn't listening to her parents then you must take a different approach, especially if she trusts you. 16 is a very important year in anybody's life. Depending on the boys age coming at 4am at night is crazy. They have enough time to hang around in the other 18 hours that their awake.

Yeah, you're right. It's not that she isn't listening to our parents at all. She's not "out of control" or anything. But she really wants to wear those things. My guess is she really digs the attention and hates to look "normal" and average.
I think she listens to me more than to my parents (she is VERY afraid to make me angry because she looks up to me so much). I already told her my opinion on the subject. Just … just my opinion, not that I want her to stop doing it or anything like that. She knows it well by now, but her friends like her outfits, she keeps getting compliments and, as I said, it simply gets her mad attention, so ...

However, I think (hope) we might be out of the woods now.
My sis was going through a goth phase before this, complete with wristlets, 100% black cloths, matching makeup and all.
We let her have her "fun", and after a while it was over just like that.
I hope the situation right now will be the same. It's getting colder, so she pretty much has to wear propper clothes now anyway. By the time the next summer comes around this phase could already be over. I hope.

Her boyfriend is 18, and, well, it was summer break at the time. I always came home well past midnight due to work, so both she and me stayed up pretty much the entire night every other day. It was nothing out of the ordinary.

@No:

How possible would the option of her having a slight exhibitionist streak be ?

Honestly, I think that it depends on what kind of neighbourhood you live in. If she wants to dress like a slut, she has every right to, but things could get ugly.

Sorry for the uplifting feedback.

Not very likely. As I said, I think she just likes the attention. She is proud of her body and likes people looking at it, but not like that.

The chances of anything ever happening here are less than 0. This is a very quiet, peaceful neighbourhood. Hell, the average age might be up in the 50s.

The only time things ever got sort of ugly is when she had orange hair for a while. I was shopping with her when a bunch of teenagers started picking on her. I wasn't taking their shit and stood up to them. However, my sister was, uhm, very "fragile" because of a back operation at the time. Even falling down could have caused great damage, so I called the police before things could get out of hand. There were too many of them to make sure that they didn't touch her, and I wasn't taking any chances.
But, under normal circumstances, this wouldn't have been that dramatic. Just a bunch of rowdies being rowdies. They would have chickened out of a real fight, I'm sure.

[piratemarimo]

derp ignore me! :P

–

warning rant again

! about my confession on the last page… you know how sometimes when you tell the truth about something or talk about a bad experience, you feel like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders? Well.... it's not like that. In fact it's just the opposite for me. I don't know if I would have been able to work up the courage to tell dad the truth if my sibling had been present. I'm still intimidated by him. I dread what will happen when I eventually have to return home. It's already bad enough between the two of us. Did I make the right decision? You know, my dad told me he and his siblings would fight all the time (7 kids I believe) and then when they got older they got along better. I think he was trying to tell me maybe these scars will heal and a good relationship with him is still possible. He doesn't like to see discord or animosity between siblings. But I honestly can't see that ever happening, especially when I'm deliberately making that decision to be hostile towards him. I refuse to reconcile. Yeah, I tend to hold grudges. and personally I think that the secret... or rather the motive behind it, was total bullshit and it doesn't make me feel any sympathy. It does not follow. It does not excuse treating a person like shit. What was his reason for all those years of oppressive dictatorship?? Maybe you all think it's stupid to compare my situation to a dictatorship, but that's what he was to me. He was not above using pain. Coerced me into doing whatever. Fuck's sake, he'd even force me to do shit like eat black jellybeans even though they made me gag and tear up.
! Hey, let's just give him a fucking medal!! For only he could possibly make fun things miserable. He used to force me to play video games with him and I wasn't allowed to leave the room until he said so. He's superior at any kind of game. One time I wasn't allowed to leave unless I beat him 5 consecutive times. It was fucking difficult and unpleasant. When I finally managed to win, of course I instantly stood up to leave because I felt imprisoned and it had been hours. Then he forced me to keep playing. Yeah jackass, of course I wanted to leave. Not only do I not like this game, I don't want to spend the entire day playing it!! He once owned me money and refused to pay it back on some idiotic grounds. Okay, I guess I am obsessing. but strangely this was only after finally telling dad the truth. Over dinner last night I wanted to tell him so much more about all those horrible things and never had the opportunity. I can't stop worrying. Is he gonna pummel my face in? I don't think he ever counted on me telling the truth. He probably assumed I'd stay quiet about it out of fear. I don't really want to imagine what's going on at home, but it makes me ill to wonder.

[zachri]

@Kitsune:

Anyway, yeah, thanks guys, even in hindsight I see this as no big deal in the first place. I guess what I was scared of most was immaturity and dissociation, even though I knew there wasn't anything wrong with it.

At least that's one less thing bringing me down in the end.~

I fear that with a certain 'like' of mine… I fear the day that either my friends at college or my mosseur or sister find out about it...
Thus why I keep shit like that away from Facebook B)

[LightningAce]

She's probably getting attention from the wrong kinda people - sick pervs who'd only love nothing more than do her a few a times and then move on to the next hot young thing that comes walkin by.

[Hiroy]

@Kit: It's not a hiding spot if I knew you weren't there.Hehehe

Really though, try to find me there if you can.

@tigerlilly:

Wow Hiroy, despite all this bullshit you went through you are still the good guy you are today! I consider you very fun to be around with, snarky (in the best way) and well spirited when it calls for it. Nobody should go through what you went through. Yet atleast you can say that you grew through it, as bitter as it sounds. The clean cut that you had when you left was probably a stroke of luck however. So you could get distance from that story both mentally and physically.

About the AP related story, I can't say I am proud of my actions on that day and I can't help but feel adressed at some parts. I'm really curious and would just like to know for myself.
Did she or you perceive me as one of the "bullies" on that day? Just so I can put things into persepective. You can also take it to PM if you don't want to talk about it here, but if you wanna answer in this thread I'm cool with that.

Thanks for the compliments. I'm really glad that I have met people like you on AP(what am I saying? you are one of a kind). I don't usually like sharing this particular story. That was until I read up about other people's stories and seen the kind of resentment others can grow up with. I was tired of feeling this grudge or built up anger, and I was afraid I'd end up making a fool of myself if I were to try a direct aggressive confrontation. It would have been no different than me losing my temper in the past.

And, I don't really think so. She didn't mention your name, but she did feel betrayed by those she thought were nice or were her friends. Almost no one spoke out against it and it was easy to place almost everyone involved in the same outspoken bias. But… I did clear some air with that(by letting her know that others were telling her to cheer up). She's still here, she didn't fully quit, or was banned even though [insert the nicest possible bad word to describe someone here] were selfishly sporting for a ban. You can say all that is history now. Not forgotten history, but history. The best I can do now is to continue being a supportive friend, and allow those that disagree or dislike me for supporting her to know where exactly I stand. I deserve that much :)

Who knows, maybe one day we can all look back and laugh joyously at the whole situation. It's what I live by.

[Kitsune Inferno]

@Hiroy: I only stalk there under a false username, but I always told myself I'd assume my usual identity once I came clean with it. :P

But now you've given me quite the challenge. I accept.~

[Zack]

I have a pop quiz for Physics today, and I know I'm not going to pass it because I always wait until the last minute to study for a test. That always seems to have worked out for me before, but now I have two classes where it seems that doesn't work. It's still a week until the actual test, but I can't believe I'm just going to fail this pop quiz so easily. Then, I have to get back and take an online Biology test when the only reason I got an 84 on the previous one was because I'm good at googling the answers quickly. I don't want to rely on that, but I don't know how much I can learn since I tried to learn what I could about Physics all of yesterday.

[Nami]

You know these songs that immediately take you back in time when you listen to them for the first time after a long time?

There is this one german song that does that to me.

I was 16. My mother send herself in into mental institution. At that time she was the most important person in my life. That she was going through so much mental pain, dragged me down every day and I tried to help as best I could. It was in my summer holidays. Till now my best and worse summer holidays.
In this said summer, our roles switched. I became the mother and she was my daughter. I had to keep her from going suicidal, from cutting, from punching herself.
This was also the first time my dad wanted the divorce. I remember like it was yesterday.

I was home, my dad on his campingpark, my mother in said institution. It was late at night, around 11pm. I had two friends of mine over.
Then my mother called me. She was drained, cried on the phone. She asked me if dad called me. I said no. I asked what happened. She asked me to go see dad, ask him what happened. He wouldn't answer her. So I told my friends to go and that I had to go to my Dad's.
I went to the campingpark with my bike. Was just a ten minutes ride. I arrived and I went inside his caravan. I saw him sitting there. I told him that mum tried to call him. He said "I know." His voice was weird. "what's the matter?" I asked. He said:
"Sabrina, I'm gonna get the divorce."
I was shocked. Thoughts rushing through my head. I don't know how long I stood there, paralyzed, just staring at him.
"Asshole!" I said then and run off.
I went to campers who were good friends to our family. I told them about it. I cried. A lot. Other campers noticed it. I noticed that they noticed and decided to leave as I didn't want the gossip to explode. The friend told me I shouldn't worry, everything will be fine. My dad would just be rushing into things. I should talk with him about it tomorrow, when my head's clear. I didn't want to. For me, in this moment, he died. He didn't exist anymore. He wasn't my dad anymore. He was a stranger. Someone who broke my heart in the weirdest kind of ways, lol.
Well, whatever, I rode back home, still crying. Didn't know if I should call my mum and shock her like that or not. I decided I have to as she was waiting for my call. It was after midnight now. I told her about the divorce. My mum just said "So it's true." and she cried and cried. And tried to be calm, to not cry, to cheer her up. "Everything will be good in the morning" I said.
After I hung up, I sat myself on the couch in the living room. Where my dad always used to sit. I turned sad music on and cried. I tried to call my best friend but she wouldn't pick up. Tried to call other friends of her and her mother to reach her. I found out she slept at some friend's place. I gave up and went back to crying till I fall asleep on this spot on the couch. You know, I was confused. I never questioned what would happen to me. I always questioned "What would happen to mum and where should we (my mum and I) live and how should we finance that? Mum cannot work! And the flats are so expensive here! I don't want to rely on Gunter (=Dad, I immediately deleted 'dad' from my mind and called him by his name in my head)!"
I felt heavily betrayed by him. And by my best friend as she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most.

Well, back to topic. In the end he didn't broke up with my mum. Because of me. He couldn't stand the thought of losing me and he knew he would lose me. So he sticked with her. For me. Around a year later I gave him the permission to get the divorce and his answer was "too late now, haha". It took another 2 years for him to finally do it. It was the 25th December 2008. I can remember how he looked at me after my mum went off (to another mental institution she was in at that time, she was only allowed to come out for christmas) and aked me "Do you still love me?" and I smiled and said "Yes, dad. I will always love you. And I saw it coming."

Ok, now really back to topic.
The song.

This song I always listened to when my mum was in the institution. This song just describes everything perfectly. It hurts and feels good at the same time to listen to it.

!

Translated lyrics:

! Since you're gone, most stuff's ok
Even so it is correct, it does hurt jolly much.
I am truly blessed
Had much luck and much is great as it is except for the gap that doesn't close.
It is a perfect circle of 280 degrees
The saving proof that I unfortunately don't have.
It is the sense of life that nobody tells me of
You really have to be no genius to realize that something's missing
! Dear God
There's a piece missing Stop the World. There's a piece missing; it should stop! And the world keeps turning, and that it continues to rotate, I can't comprehend. Isn't it noticing that something's missing? Stop the World. There's a piece missing stop the world, it should stop!
! It's not possible to picture how cold and empty it is,
I try not to show how much I miss you.
My friends do their best but the best isn't enough.
For what you were to me the world has no substitute.
! This is an act of desperation
a silent scream
from a human full of sorrow and his wound that doesn't heal
It is a last battle against what it is
like a bird with only one wing who definitely can't fly anymore
! Dear God
There's a piece missing Stop the World. There's a piece missing; it should stop! And the world keeps turning, and that it continues to rotate, I can't comprehend. Isn't it noticing that something's missing? Stop the World. There's a piece missing stop the world, it should stop!
! It's easy to see
and hard to handle
how could they separate us?
my heart wears your name
it's the old story, somebody dies.
There's a piece of the puzzle missing that can never be solved now
They say "Don't worry, it will go on as you can see"
To see that this isn't true, there's no need for a detective.
I can't fulfill my duty, like a candle without wick.
This ship is going down slowly, don't you notice it has a hole?
! Dear God
There's a piece missing Stop the World. There's a piece missing; it should stop! And the world keeps turning, and that it continues to rotate, I can't comprehend. Isn't it noticing that something's missing? Stop the World. There's a piece missing stop the world, it should stop!

Yep, that's it. Just needed to get it out of my system.
.. And now I only have 4 1/2h sleep left, damn! lol

[Hiroy]

I am unable to savor food. I'm a pig.

[MDL]

same here, i used to get scolded by my grandma all the time as a kid because of eating too fast. "Hey, it's not a race! slow down! Count your chews!"
i'm also like a human wastebin. i'm the guy everyone passes their junk food leftovers to because i can eat a large amount.

though i do force myself to hold back when eating at a restaurant or other nice/social places.