So I had my 5th day of school.
My parents (mostly dad) kinda "forced" me to join the football team. So far it has been either bad or giving me a "why am I here, I don't even enjoy this" feeling. I've been struggling. People are interested in me and making sure I do well, but I just don't really enjoy it. And I just finished my third straight day of practice, which has been 3 and a half to 4 hours each.
I don't know if I can quit! If I tell my parents they'd be a little irritated that I don't want to participate in any extra-curricular activies, and I'm afraid at how the coach would react since he seemed to put a lot of stock into me… at least it feels that way based on how he talks to me.
I wanna go back to my old school. I didn't have many real friends, but after the last few days, I realized that at least things were getting better towards the end of the year. My grades (aside from Physics) were picking up, and I think I was starting gain a few "friendships", that, if I started to engage more, could have been real friendships like I had 2 years ago.
The only positive thing this year is the fact that many of the girls are wearing short shorts (¯_(ツ)_/¯) - but who gives a shit when you're not even interested in making that much friends in general. For what it's worth, I think I have the ability to get close with girls - in my middle school, I would have had "girlfriends" (we had pretend couples) provided I was skinnier, and managed my humor a little better, cause I when I felt like it, I could "do things" that could advance the relationship. I basically had one in third grade.
But that's besides the point. (really, i don't even know why i posted that shit.)
Anyway, the worst thing of all, is this constant feeling of, well…. "non-feelingness" - which is, basically, not me feeling upset nor happy. And I hate that because it prevents me from figuring out how I truly feel.