mette I want to just fly over to you and smack you upside the head. then hug you. But I can't do that. it's frustrating that I can't do anything. I can't stop you from doing something stupid. All of you here that I have had the fortune of forming friendships with are important to me. And I can't help anyone here because you live thousands of miles away. But what I can tell you is that I don't want you to be unhappy or hurt. I don't want you to die. You need to fucking stop. You want a release from all that adrenaline? go outside and run. I mean that. An actor I admire said running was like… dancing forward. I think of those words and
and it gave me this invigorating feeling and it feels so damn good and that's so much better for you than self-harm. There's a lot of things you can do to vent that adrenaline feeling, and I've given you one. even if it's just a walk, you can clear your muddled thoughts or dissipate some of that negative energy, that weight on your shoulders that just keeps dragging you down. I know what that feels like because I've been stuck in a rut for ages and I've been afraid to have faith in friends and get help from them. But you do have them. I have them. You have helped me in times past. We're all here.Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD
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! Wow, yesterday I've written my dad a pretty long e-mail, finally telling him a lot of stuff that's stressing me out (about work and school) and that I'm actually not doing as great as I made him think the last couple of months.
His reply was pretty concerned and even a little mad and shocked that I didn't tell him before. (but I think, he noticed it a bit last time we saw each other, just wanted to wait for me to make the step) He reassured me, that he'll always be there for me and that we need to have a long talk about it all next time we see each other (which might be to christmas, but I don't know atm. Maybe I stay alone at my place.)
But the most important thing about it all: he understands me. God, I'm so happy that finally, someone very dear to me, shows understanding and support towards me.
My dad knows me best. He also knows if I really start talking about my problems, then it's serious. And he gave me exactly what I needed, love and support.
He also hates the fact, that my teachers treat me like a child and not as an adult, too and he also knows how I am with authority and how bad I am in handling it, He's saying it without further guilting me into the "behave better, work on it!" shit I get from everyone. He acknowledges my efforts I already made with getting a psychologist. I can still remember his glad face when I told him that in a coffee shop a few weeks back. He was so proud of me. Just like his gf.
! Well, in short, I love my dad :)
! And he gives me the strength I need to move on and work harder on me.And now to you, Mister Mette. You've been a bad boy but of course, I can understand you and what you did. But as a friend I have to tell you that I don't want you to do it again. I know that you are intelligent and that your intelligence collides with your depression way too often. You are better than this, mette. We all know it and you should know this, too. Please, the next time you want to do it: Count to ten, go to the kitchen and grab some food. Eat it. If you still don't feel better, get an elastic band, wrap it around your arm and pinch it so that it always snaps back at your arm. This way you "hurt" yourself, but it's no further harm that can't be undone. A friend of mine gave me this tip when I was at my lowest. And it worked very well for me. Just repeatly do it until you calmed down.and then, if you think you're over this need you can look back and be proud of yourself and you know what's even better? You can post your success of not cutting here and I promise you, you will get cheers from us all :)
Believe me, this is such a nice, relieving, happy, warm, cozy feeling. Getting this, is the best thing ever!So, I hope this helps you a little bit. Please do me the favor and at least try out my tips, okay? :) We love you all and we are here to support you.
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@metteminne:
! I cut myself for the first time , not too deep or anything but I wanted to try it , and even if it didn't help to relieve stress , I am afraid I will do so again
Mette, I can't express in words how sorry I feel for you. You might not believe it, but I know so well what it's like to be at the rock bottom with stress, apprehension and anxiety. A couple of years back, I was so deeply depressed and stressed over the smallest of things that every day was a burden, and pretty much the only thing that stopped me from cutting myself or even, well, doing something even worse was the fact that I'm incredibly scared of pain and damage on my body. I literally spent days just lying on the floor and staring at the whitewashed ceilings. Now, I don't know exactly what you're going through right now because I've only heard bits and pieces, so I'm not going to say that I know how you feel, but I sure as heck do know what it is like to want to do something to yourself when it's the only thing that doesn't feel too demanding or annoying to do that you can come up with. That's what extreme pent-up stress sometimes does to you. It's a normal reaction - no matter what the others might say - and it sucks to be there. If there is anything I can do for you, just let me know. I'm always there for a chat if you want to talk about what's stressing you. I do not say this often enough, but I really appreciate you as a person. You're a smart and a kind guy, and I absolutely hate to see you having problems.
However bleak and scary they might seem, though, those problems are not something you can't overcome yourself with some help. It took me years to actually realize that and to reach the point where I can usually do something about it myself, but even so I still sometimes need others to allay my anxiety and to put my mind at ease. More often than not it helps when you can talk to somebody, like your psychologist, and if it's specifically stress that you're wrestling with, just remember to take some time off for yourself too. Occupy your mind with less stressful stuff and do things that you enjoy doing (TF, maybe? :)), talk with your mates or your parents, read manga, go out, whatever - just remember to take a breather every now and then, instead of focusing your own thoughts about life, yourself, and other people. You can't function without taking care of your own well-being first. And on those days and moments when you are feeling weak and small, find yourself some company. It doesn't really matter who, as long as they are willing to either listen to you or just be there. Don't feel ashamed or bad about yourself, everyone has moments like that. The world will keep on moving too, and those intense moments will all fade away eventually. You can trust that. It will happen. Life has its highs and lows, and I know that you are smart enough to know that it's true.
Cutting yourself during those days when it's the absolute worst is not really a good idea, for a myriad of reasons. For one, like you said yourself, it does not help you at all. It only hurts and leaves scars that won't necessarily heal (ouch), but that's all. If you feel like you get an adrenaline rush out of the idea, fight that sensation with all your power. You have the power to do that inside your head, you can do it. Why? Because it's a really bad habit. Cutting yourself is not necessarily really dangerous, unless you slash your wrists or dig in so deep that you hit your arteries, but it can very rapidly lead to much worse things. Suicidal thoughts will become far more real if you know that you can inflict pain on yourself, and there is no telling what will happen if you start playing with your own life. It's such a delicate border between depressed masochism and death. Our bodies are fragile and need to be looked after. And more importantly, we only get this one lifetime on earth. You do not want to risk that, if only for the tiniest, most insignificant enjoyments of life. Nip it in the bud before it becomes the norm; don't do it again.
One of the most important things in life is to learn to cope with negative emotions. Everyone has the capability and the skills required for learning that, but many people find it too hard before they actually even try. Cutting is a terrible way of coping with anything because it interferes with all the other, healthier ones, and once you're stick with the mindset that you can shed your own blood when you have trouble it's really hard to get out of it. There are so many better ways that you should stay away from it solely for that reason. It might be hard to recognize and to come up with any, but if you fight against your own impulses and keep yourself safe you will undoubtedly run into them at a later time. And even though it is really hard and energy-consuming to do so, the feeling of empowerment that comes with acknowledging that you are in charge of yourself is immensely strong and exhilarating. The feeling of independence and power is simply one of the best feelings there is. And the funny fact is that, at the end, you are and can only be, at least until you get children of your own, responsible for your own actions. Anyone who says they couldn't control themselves or their actions has not tried hard enough. Everyone can do it. You most of all. Intelligent people have an unfair advantage when it comes to perceiving how things work and what they should do to get there.
As your friends, we only want your best. I'm afraid we cannot do much else than talk to you and try to guess how you feel at this point, as we know little concrete, but I want you to know that we here really, truly do root for you. Some people react more emotionally than others, and some people have differing views on things, but the bottom line is still always the same. We care, and we're shocked and moved when you have trouble. Please let us know when you need our support the most and we'll be there.
Drop me a PM if you feel like you want to have a more specific chat about anything at all.
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And here comes the parrot, saving the day with his rainbow boom.
I hate you for being so good at this, Dry! :D
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I used to struggle often with my intrinsic value, and still do to this day. My mom never treated me like her child and I grew up in a violent household and went to a violent school. And if there's something I've learned over the years, it's that I wouldn't even be here right now without support. I've only recently felt as if I have more value than a pawn. Neglecting to think that even a pawn can become the most powerful piece. And it can.
As a child, when I had no ready support, I stayed in my room and stayed with my thoughts. I thought that there was no purpose to my existence because I didn't have a single person to share in my pain or talk to on the same level. As a child, before even growing up, I had already lost track of how many times I thought about and attempted suicide. It's hell… being in a household where you feel no love and going to a school where you feel frightened that anything can happen.
Those were the worst years of my life. Later, when I got close friends, it became easier. I'd often have issues with my ex-girlfriend, whom I sincerely loved, and fell into deep depression that I couldn't do anything about it despite only wanting to be able to. I'd isolate myself from my friends and family and just wish, and wish that I could sacrifice anything to make things right in our relationship. Even if it meant my life or dreams, or even my identity.
I'd either go and sit around my friends while they were at work or they'd sit around me while I moped in my room. No big conversations, just presence. Something I needed in order to not do something stupid. And the things they said were horrible but… oddly uplifting. >_>
Like how I got super depressed when my ex revealed her deepest, darkest secret to me. I told a friend about it while I was moping and he responded, "Well... At least you didn't find out she sucked like 100 dicks in a row or something." Freaking terrible. Raised my spirits a little. And he said it with an air of sincerity which made it more worthwhile, especially since I know he understood where I was coming from. And he himself had gone through a lot.
I've cried with my friends, and I've seen them cry. A lot of the time, I feel powerless to help any of them even though I really want to. I've been at my lowest and seen the lowest. None of it is pretty, on either side. But if you're willing to make the effort along with us, we can all be happy.
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@metteminne:
Also thank you for the kind words fullmoon
It's no problem Metteminne! Please take care of yourself…;w;
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something pretty weird and disturbing has happened to me yesterday.
! I was searching for some papers for my dad. While searching I was stumbling over an old letter of my lawyer. The headline of the letter got my attention immediatly. It was the names of the two suspects of my sexual abuse in my childhood. The case was started and dropped 6years ago.
Later that day I was randomly scrolling on FB until I got a notification. Clicked on it and saw a post of a good family friend where I commented on as well before. I saw the name of one of the two suspects. I was shocked. And confused. I clicked his name. I found out he is friends with 2(!) friends of mine. He has an old black and white picture of him as profile picture. I recognized him immediatly. I know he is one of my many stepdads and ex-lover of my mum. So far that's nothing new to me. I know the two suspects were lovers of my mum and therefore my stepdads.
I tried to focus on that one picture. Later I found he has lots of "sexy" pictures on fb. Not of himself. But "funny innuendo" joke kind of pictures.
I can't for the life of me figure out my past with him. I recognize the face, I KNOW him, but I don't know which interactions I had with him. Like, was he the busdriver dad or the taxi driver dad or the one with the snakes? I don't know. And that's so frustrating. I asked my brother what he knows from our stepdads. My brother and I didn't live together, but he's 3years older than me so he might know more. he told me some stuff (partly heave stuff like "I reemember that dude who once was drunk and stood naked before me, talking bullshit"). He said no names so I asked him if he remembers the name "Uwe Steinrode".
It's so weird having names. It makes evertyhing more clear but at the same time everything just gets foggier. The moment I try to remember and grab it with my hands, it goes away.
! You know, this is the first hot clue I got in years. But do I really want to go down that road again? Trying to find out MORE? I'm curious, yes, but I was so glad that I'm workijg right most of the times. Ok, not always, but hey, I try.
! And the other qestion. Why is he friends with my family friend? My dad knows her as well but he didn't know that she was friends with him, just like me. Does she know that there was this case against him, did he talk with her about it and therefore does she know him that much that she doesn't believe he did something to me or has he never talked with her about it?
Then it's on my to tell her. But hey, I DON'T KNOW if it was him and I can't just go around tell people crap like that. Even so if there IS the possibility of him being a childfucker.
! this is all getting complicated again sighs I just want my quiet and peace and don't get randomly shocked with heavy shit like that. -
Be careful you don't implant false memories of him in your head. It's possible to develop fake memories when you're struggling to remember something attached to a traumatic event. If you can't let it go and you need to learn if he was really the one that did that to you, you should try and figure it out from other people and think objectively. But if you struggle too much and try to attach the trauma to him then there could be a serious mental/emotional backlash.
Personally, whether he is or isn't the one, I'm not sure I'd recommend looking into it any further. Unless you still need closure and possibly justice, though I'm not sure if the trouble would be worth it. Though it's all for you to decide, and whatever you do decide you're completely entitled to.
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Yeah, I know, kenny, I'm walking on really thin ice atm.
The thing is, I seem to be pretty close to the answers that I've asked myself for almost 20years now. I can't just close my eyes now. I can never close my eyes to the truth and even so I'm scared shitless that I might not be able to handle the truth, I have to be brave and face it. I'm owing myself that. Because maybe THIS could be the final drop that will help me to finally process what happened. This might be what I need to move on.I asked my brother some final questions. He remembers the name but he doesn't know to which of his memories this name belongs. And he remembers snakes but he can't remember if these belonged to the suspect. That's too bad. Cuz the guy who did these things to me had snakes so if I could find out, if that guy had snakes….
So now I took the final step and asked some really weird question to the family friend who has the suspect in her friendslist. Maybe she can answer my questions. maybe this will lead to a dead end again but maybe she can tell me if he had snakes or not during that time. I just have to try.My brother doesn't know about the whole abuse thing, so now of course he's wondering as hell what I'm trying to achieve, lol. Guess I need to tell him soon. But only after their wedding.
--- Update From New Post Merge ---
Well, that was faster than expected.
My friend wrote me back. She doesn't know much about him, she just used to cut his hair. They were nothing more than aquaintances.
But she's sure he had snakes.So. I guess after 18years, I finally have my answer.
And I have no idea what I should do now. For now, I just keep on violently shaking, trying to get this under control. And I'm so not gonna cry. I'm not gonna waste more tears on this. And my reaction now, is showing me that I hoped it wasn't him. That I'd still be in the dark. Fuck.
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I have a question. Are friendships always a 50-50 tradeoff? I do have friends that are, but other times it's a 90-10. Or at the very least, it does feel that way. There are times where I'm willing to talk my about friend's problems or just their lives and hobbies. But when it comes down to me talking about my own, the conversation usually ends with a few words or one-liners, and honestly it feels dismissive or rude in the worst way possible. At worse, I slowly found myself caring less and less about what this "friend" has to say in future convos. And admittedly, it's usually out of spite. I don't burn the bridge though. I figured a 90-10 friendship is better than a 100-zero "whythehellareweevenfriends".
So yeah, back to the question. I think I answered my own question, but I'm wondering how anyone could deal with staying in a one-sided friendship while remaining completely okay with it.
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I have a question. Are friendships always a 50-50 tradeoff? I do have friends that are, but other times it's a 90-10. Or at the very least, it does feel that way. There are times where I'm willing to talk my about friend's problems or just their lives and hobbies. But when it comes down to me talking about my own, the conversation usually ends with a few words or one-liners, and honestly it feels dismissive or rude in the worst way possible. At worse, I slowly found myself caring less and less about what this "friend" has to say in future convos. And admittedly, it's usually out of spite. I don't burn the bridge though. I figured a 90-10 friendship is better than a 100-zero "whythehellareweevenfriends".
So yeah, back to the question. I think I answered my own question, but I'm wondering how anyone could deal with staying in a one-sided friendship while remaining completely okay with it.
For me, it's difficult for these "imbalanced" friendships to exist, because the most rewarding part of a friendship is when the other participant considers me a good person (it makes me feel so… GOOD), and it's difficult for that to happen unless I'm inputting SOMETHING.
And if they don't give me a chance to be perceived as that good person, then they're not my friend.
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I have a question. Are friendships always a 50-50 tradeoff? I do have friends that are, but other times it's a 90-10. Or at the very least, it does feel that way. There are times where I'm willing to talk my about friend's problems or just their lives and hobbies. But when it comes down to me talking about my own, the conversation usually ends with a few words or one-liners, and honestly it feels dismissive or rude in the worst way possible. At worse, I slowly found myself caring less and less about what this "friend" has to say in future convos. And admittedly, it's usually out of spite. I don't burn the bridge though. I figured a 90-10 friendship is better than a 100-zero "whythehellareweevenfriends".
So yeah, back to the question. I think I answered my own question, but I'm wondering how anyone could deal with staying in a one-sided friendship while remaining completely okay with it.
Not all friendships I'd say are completely 50-50, but they should strive to be. I wouldn't consider any relationship that's 90-10 to be a friendship, though.
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^ all the above regarding friendship
I'm going to be the weird one and scratch my head. Looking at friendship that way seems kind of weird to me? I'm genuinely curious about that.
Now I have a personal good relationship indicator that's probably not any less weird (I consider everyone a friend when I don't feel like I'm doing smalltalk with them anymore which I notice because I get unusually tired by smalltalk although I've learned to do it for however long I need to).Once people passed that mark for me everything seems to adjust itself automatically in my experience.
There never seems to come a point for me where it feels like this thing that has any kind of balance where you could assign numbers to it.
That said I have had friends which I didn't see for longer periods of time that reverted back to the smalltalk stage but yeah I'll attribute that to that people change and sometimes I'm not able to change with them no hard feelings. -
For me, it's difficult for these "imbalanced" friendships to exist, because the most rewarding part of a friendship is when the other participant considers me a good person (it makes me feel so… GOOD), and it's difficult for that to happen unless I'm inputting SOMETHING.
And if they don't give me a chance to be perceived as that good person, then they're not my friend.
I know right? That's part of why I was asking, because I know that there are people out there that do stay in such friendships. And I was wondering "how" and "why". I suppose it's like watching grass grow on a field that was recently contaminated(bad analogy). Either the observer breathes in the gas for years and eventually dies, or maybe some grass would grow and the observer would still be sick (more bad analogies).
Not all friendships I'd say are completely 50-50, but they should strive to be. I wouldn't consider any relationship that's 90-10 to be a friendship, though.
You are right. I was sort of exaggerating that number(out of spite), but yeah. It still really isn't a friendship if the other side does not seem to care very much for what I have to say. When I asked the question, I was sort of wondering if I was being selfish for "expecting" atleast "that strive" for equal grounds. Sometimes I just think demanding half is asking for way too much, because really. 50-50 feels like plenty.
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^ all the above regarding friendship
I'm going to be the weird one and scratch my head. Looking at friendship that way seems kind of weird to me? I'm genuinely curious about that.
Now I have a personal good relationship indicator that's probably not any less weird (I consider everyone a friend when I don't feel like I'm doing smalltalk with them anymore which I notice because I get unusually tired by smalltalk although I've learned to do it for however long I need to).Once people passed that mark for me everything seems to adjust itself automatically in my experience.
There never seems to come a point for me where it feels like this thing that has any kind of balance where you could assign numbers to it.
That said I have had friends which I didn't see for longer periods of time that reverted back to the smalltalk stage but yeah I'll attribute that to that people change and sometimes I'm not able to change with them no hard feelings.Yeah, I've never thought of it that way either, although I understand the concept.
In all honesty, it would seem arrogant of me to consider myself "a better friend" than a person I'm friends with, because I know that I'm a worse person than anybody I'm ever going to be friends with. In fact, it's when people start to contribute more than I do that I become uncomfortable and abandon ship, because I don't like being reminded of my inadequacies.
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Yeah, I've never thought of it that way either, although I understand the concept.
In all honesty, it would seem arrogant of me to consider myself "a better friend" than a person I'm friends with, because I know that I'm a worse person than anybody I'm ever going to be friends with. In fact, it's when people start to contribute more than I do that I become uncomfortable and abandon ship, because I don't like being reminded of my inadequacies.
Really?
I can understand being uncomfortable in romantic relationships when that occurs, but you abandon just normal friendships when you feel they're contributing more than you are, because you feel like you can't? How? Like, could you give an example of how someone could act that would make you feel inadequate because you couldn't reciprocate something they were doing for you?
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^ all the above regarding friendship
I'm going to be the weird one and scratch my head. Looking at friendship that way seems kind of weird to me? I'm genuinely curious about that.
Basically what I'm saying is a friendship should feel like I can talk or share without feeling like I'm throwing bricks at a wall. The numbers are really just numbers, because I really have no idea how else to describe it. I'm not very bright, ya know?
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Really?
I can understand being uncomfortable in romantic relationships when that occurs, but you abandon just normal friendships when you feel they're contributing more than you are, because you feel like you can't? How? Like, could you give an example of how someone could act that would make you feel inadequate because you couldn't reciprocate something they were doing for you?
I think it's more like, when a person is more attractive and more talented than you'll ever be, and then they start giving you advice on how to deal with shit in your life, by using their own experiences as a basis. It just feels like an adult talking down to a kid, in my opinion. Sort of a patronizing thing. But I've actually gotten past that in the case of a specific person I'm thinking of, so I guess I've gotten better at it? Or they've gotten better at it? They tell me that they try not to assume that their experiences can be related to mine, because they know I'm going through worse shit, so we don't really have those problems anymore.
But I think that Hiroy was just talking about when you type long messages and the response is "LOL" or "bummer dude".
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I think it's more like, when a person is more attractive and more talented than you'll ever be, and then they start giving you advice on how to deal with shit in your life, by using their own experiences as a basis. It just feels like an adult talking down to a kid, in my opinion. Sort of a patronizing thing. But I've actually gotten past that in the case of a specific person I'm thinking of, so I guess I've gotten better at it? Or they've gotten better at it? They tell me that they try not to assume that their experiences can be related to mine, because they know I'm going through worse shit, so we don't really have those problems anymore.
Hahah, I honestly don't like being in the position to act this way towards anyone at all. Like… being someone's mentor all the time, especially when it's unintentionally. Usually I would have an individual that places me on too high of a pedestal, and anything I say would seem like I'm downtalking. It's a weird scenario, but usually these end well once the person grows to realize that I'm not really all "that great", and starts talking to me... like... you know? Like a normal person that's really "just great".
But I think that Hiroy was just talking about when you type long messages and the response is "LOL" or "bummer dude".
Yeah, that! It does not even have to be a long message either. Just a mention of something that might mean a whole lot to me. Like… "Dude I just won my first ever award!", and the bummer dude is like, "kay"(true story, btw)
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Yeah, that! It does not even have to be a long message either. Just a mention of something that might mean a whole lot to me. Like… "Dude I just won my first ever award!", and the bummer dude is like, "kay"(true story, btw)
It can just be that they have nothing else to say. Happens to me too (on both ends).
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@No:
It can just be that they have nothing else to say. Happens to me too (on both ends).
If you are refering to the true story, then nah. My old friend just became an extremely bitter dude that would go out of his way to make everything between us a competition. I never really understood since he was obviously way better off than I was in terms of family support, trophies in athletic activities(sports), and financial wise. I never flaunted my successes since I barely had any to begin with, but he was… just really bitter. Any little thing I got in life was immediately stepped all over, and he made that loud and clear. This was during the time he became a college freshman, so I guess he was going through "that agonizing phase".
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Send in my script today. I'm fucking nervous as a mo-fo.
I don't know when they will ever get back to me. -
@bartholemew:
Send in my script today. I'm fucking nervous as a mo-fo.
I don't know when they will ever get back to me.Don't expect it for a LONG while (it can take several months, or heck they might not even reply back). Remember, yours is among hundreds (or possibly thousands) of others. Might as well forget you submitted it and work on another project to keep yourself distracted.
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@Hiroy: Not sure if what you're referring to is online conversations or real life conversations or both. They're both pretty different situations. I know that I'm guilty of talking too much and making a conversation one-sided online myself but it's usually because the other side won't go into much detail whenever I ask a question (like "How was your day?" "What have you been up to?" etc.) and then once I answer the same question, I end up rambling unintentionally. Or whenever I'm told something bad that's happened to the other person and there's truly zero advice to give, I kinda do just say "That sucks".
It's not intentional, it's more like the opposite side isn't really giving me a chance to keep the conversation floating without dominating it. If it's a case like that, or even if it's not and it really is just the other side being cynical or competitive, then I'd recommend being honest with them first. You could also try doing some tests, seeing if you can get some words in edge-wise and try to stimulate a conversation about yourself. If it doesn't work, be honest with them and let them know that you don't like it when they dominate the conversation.
I've had this problem with even my closest friend where he'd dominate the conversations. I was honest with him and complained about it two or three times and what he told me was that he usually doesn't talk about himself at all and that, since he talks to me so much, it's a sign of how much he trusts me. And he adjusted himself so that the conversations could be more equal. And honestly, that made me feel good because it's nice to know that he trusts me like that. So what you might be perceiving to be rudeness could be interpreted in a COMPLETELY different way by the opposite party.
On the other hand, if it is on purpose and the other person plain disdains you then yeah… that just plain isn't a friendship.
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@Hiroy: While I certainly don't swear by these sorts of self-help sites, this one guy has some pretty good articles, and this one seems pretty applicable, especially given the phrasing of your issue (although the numbers have a slightly different meaning): http://postmasculine.com/80-20-your-life
I guess his advice would be to just cut out those 90-10 people from your life, like a cancer, and I would agree. They're not worth your time or energy, especially this nasty-sounding downer guy..
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my own confession for this week:
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.! So I had to go and dress up as Santa Claus yesterday at a nearby school for special-needs children, which means I had to eat school lunch early, so instead of eating with my own kids like I always do, I ate ahead of time along with the office secretaries and the groundskeeper, who I will call Hagrid because he's a gentle giant with a funny voice.
Hagrid asked me if I was still single ("Yes… sigh") and then, out of nowhere, said, "What's your 'type'? Do you like big girls?" I had half a mind to blurt out, "How the fuck did you know that!? What's your angle, mack!?" but I stopped myself, thought about it, and said, "Actually, I do. Good guess!" The other diners had surprised expressions. "Really?" "Yeah, really. I mean, all else equal, given the option between a slim girl and a chubby one, I'd take the latter every time." "So I guess you don't like Yumi-sensei, then?" Hagrid said, pointing to the 50-year old toothpick-thin lunch lady. "Errr, well, that is to say... ha ha ha." And we all had a good laugh about it.
! The point of this mundane story is that I've never really admitted that to anyone (except for this one tiny pixie of a friend in college who I swear was some sort of psychic or managed to see my browser history or something, because the little she-devil practically pinned me against the wall with her itsy-bitsy hands and forced me to "confess" one day, out of nowhere), indeed for fear of judgment, although I justified it to myself by rationalizing that there's no need to tell if no one is asking. I like big girls. Hell, no need for cute euphemisms: I like fat girls, four-letter word that that is. It's still a touchy subject because fat people and those who are attracted to fat people are seen by society at large as part of an "obesity epidemic" and a bunch of weird perverts with a sick fetish and/or low standards, respectively. But it's not a fetish (at least not for me) or anything to do with standards; it's a preference. Like liking blondes, or girls with lots of tattoos and piercings, or girls with big boobs. I just like big everything. Being put on the spot by that groundskeeper was just what I needed. I've said for years that it's not as if I were so self-conscious that I would actually lie about it to someone's face, and that was tested yesterday. There's still no need to cry it from the rooftops, but I think I'm at a place where I could confidently tell even the people who opinions and judgment I value most, which feels pretty good.
! And on that note, I am totally in the wrong country. -
@CCC:
@Hiroy: While I certainly don't swear by these sorts of self-help sites, this one guy has some pretty good articles, and this one seems pretty applicable, especially given the phrasing of your issue (although the numbers have a slightly different meaning): http://postmasculine.com/80-20-your-life
I guess his advice would be to just cut out those 90-10 people from your life, like a cancer, and I would agree. They're not worth your time or energy, especially this nasty-sounding downer guy.@CCC:
! So I had to go and dress up as Santa Claus yesterday at a nearby school for special-needs children, which means I had to eat school lunch early, so instead of eating with my own kids like I always do, I ate ahead of time along with the office secretaries and the groundskeeper, who I will call Hagrid because he's a gentle giant with a funny voice.
Hagrid asked me if I was still single ("Yes… sigh") and then, out of nowhere, said, "What's your 'type'? Do you like big girls?" I had half a mind to blurt out, "How the fuck did you know that!? What's your angle, mack!?" but I stopped myself, thought about it, and said, "Actually, I do. Good guess!" The other diners had surprised expressions. "Really?" "Yeah, really. I mean, all else equal, given the option between a slim girl and a chubby one, I'd take the latter every time." "So I guess you don't like Yumi-sensei, then?" Hagrid said, pointing to the 50-year old toothpick-thin lunch lady. "Errr, well, that is to say... ha ha ha." And we all had a good laugh about it.
! The point of this mundane story is that I've never really admitted that to anyone (except for this one tiny pixie of a friend in college who I swear was some sort of psychic or managed to see my browser history or something, because the little she-devil practically pinned me against the wall with her itsy-bitsy hands and forced me to "confess" one day, out of nowhere), indeed for fear of judgment, although I justified it to myself by rationalizing that there's no need to tell if no one is asking. I like big girls. Hell, no need for cute euphemisms: I like fat girls, four-letter word that that is. It's still a touchy subject because fat people and those who are attracted to fat people are seen by society at large as part of an "obesity epidemic" and a bunch of weird perverts with a sick fetish and/or low standards, respectively. But it's not a fetish (at least not for me) or anything to do with standards; it's a preference. Like liking blondes, or girls with lots of tattoos and piercings, or girls with big boobs. I just like big everything. Being put on the spot by that groundskeeper was just what I needed. I've said for years that it's not as if I were so self-conscious that I would actually lie about it to someone's face, and that was tested yesterday. There's still no need to cry it from the rooftops, but I think I'm at a place where I could confidently tell even the people who opinions and judgment I value most, which feels pretty good.
! And on that note, I am totally in the wrong country.I feel ya. I can't get enough of them either, but I'm already so queer that I don't have much trouble admitting it. I'm sorry that social stigma is making you feel embarrassed about it or whatever. Like you said, it's just a preference, it shouldn't be such a big deal.
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Just out of curiousity: What's fat for you? Like.. could you maybe post a picture of someone… "fat enough" and someone who's too thin? (god, why do I feel like I'm sounding super evil...)
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That isn't weird or out of the norm CCC.
Truth is as people get older they got bored of the same thing all the time, and branch out into all sorts of fetishes and tastes to keep it alive. I think this is my biggest issue in regards to my interests in that department are that they change all the time and i don't stay interested in one thing for any good degree of time. I just get bored and need something new and exciting to peek my interest. I wish i could be satisfied with one thing, but i can't which puts a lot of pressure on my relationship, even if we have some fun on the way.
Good to hear you got it off your chest. I understand exactly what its like to finally say stuff like that out loud. I did a month back with my partner (yes im super conscious of this stuff) and felt so relived afterwards. FIVE+ YEARS OF BOTTLING THAT UP!!! lol
Sadly i have my confessions but im biding my time with them. Dont want to scare her off just yet <:(
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The only thing that happened with me over time was that I gained even more tastes rather than changing my pre-existing ones. So I guess I'm easier to please now.
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Just out of curiousity: What's fat for you? Like.. could you maybe post a picture of someone… "fat enough" and someone who's too thin? (god, why do I feel like I'm sounding super evil...)
I always felt that people that a bigger/waistline larger than me are considered "fat", but that is how I just perceive people. One's mileage always differs.
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I always felt that people that a bigger/waistline larger than me are considered "fat", but that is how I just perceive people. One's mileage always differs.
And I consider everything fat that's bigger than me, too.
but right now, it's kinda hard to put into perspective, as FAT is a negative word for me but isn't for them. Like.. I wonder if it's super-unhealthy-fat they like or chubby-fat, whereas I consider chubby-fat (basically me) as just fine.
I'm not saying I'd judge them for everything that goes over the line of chubby-fat, I'm really just curious. -
but right now, it's kinda hard to put into perspective, as FAT is a negative word for me but isn't for them. Like.. I wonder if it's super-unhealthy-fat they like or chubby-fat, whereas I consider chubby-fat (basically me) as just fine.
I'm not saying I'd judge them for everything that goes over the line of chubby-fat, I'm really just curious.I don't see "fat" as a necessarily insulting word. It can definitely be used with both positive and negative connotations.
I'm not interested in SUPER-unhealthy SSBBWs or anything like that, but I definitely have a VERY strong preference for chubby girls.
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As a girl, I'd never consider it as compliment or nice to be called fat, lol.
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As a girl, I'd never consider it as compliment or nice to be called fat, lol.
I'm sorry, I know that there are many people who have issues with their weight.
I was just trying to say that being skinny is not objectively "better", and being chubby is not objectively "worse".
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Personality before everything else.
I got a fuck ton of preferences and if a girl doesn't match any of them but has an attractive personality then fuck all of it.
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As long as your weight, be it skinny or bubbly (lol such a politically acceptable version for a lil bit fat) doesn't have a negative effect on your health then it shouldn't matter.
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Honestly, just like Nami, i can not imagine what CCC means when he says "fat" since, for me at least, there is a huge difference between chubby and fat, especially considering that the latter term really has a negative connotation.
Btw, CCC, you really have chosen the wrong country to work and live in, considering your preference in women at least. -
Hahaha. I'm more an "anything goes" kind of person. Physical appearance wise. As long as the person has a caring heart, the additional little flaws does not really matter to me. Because hey; what's flawless? Of course, there's also that factor of the individual loving themselves despite what flaws he/she may have. I remember going through a few years loathing myself because of how my image was precieved by other people. Now, I don't really give. It may sound kind of cocky, but people that loved what I looked like… so I guess there was not much point hating myself, or the abiding by the social stigmas that are only there to put me down.
Relpy to earlier responce thread
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@Uncle:@Hiroy: Not sure if what you're referring to is online conversations or real life conversations or both. They're both pretty different situations. I know that I'm guilty of talking too much and making a conversation one-sided online myself but it's usually because the other side won't go into much detail whenever I ask a question (like "How was your day?" "What have you been up to?" etc.) and then once I answer the same question, I end up rambling unintentionally. Or whenever I'm told something bad that's happened to the other person and there's truly zero advice to give, I kinda do just say "That sucks".
It's not intentional, it's more like the opposite side isn't really giving me a chance to keep the conversation floating without dominating it. If it's a case like that, or even if it's not and it really is just the other side being cynical or competitive, then I'd recommend being honest with them first. You could also try doing some tests, seeing if you can get some words in edge-wise and try to stimulate a conversation about yourself. If it doesn't work, be honest with them and let them know that you don't like it when they dominate the conversation.
I've had this problem with even my closest friend where he'd dominate the conversations. I was honest with him and complained about it two or three times and what he told me was that he usually doesn't talk about himself at all and that, since he talks to me so much, it's a sign of how much he trusts me. And he adjusted himself so that the conversations could be more equal. And honestly, that made me feel good because it's nice to know that he trusts me like that. So what you might be perceiving to be rudeness could be interpreted in a COMPLETELY different way by the opposite party.
On the other hand, if it is on purpose and the other person plain disdains you then yeah… that just plain isn't a friendship.
Well, the story I went into detail with was a real life friend. We were buds, and then we grew up. I have real life acquaintances, but they aren't friends. Atleast not yet. So.. I guess, most of my friends are online buds.
I would say something though. Your first paragraph had me thinking. Is that what you say when you have absolutely nothing to say?("That sucks") Because for me, I'd feel incredibly guilty to leave it at that, as it's something I'd never want to hear either. Unless it's a constant and persistently hopeless person that does absolutely nothing but wallow in guilt and hatred of existence(I don't keep such people around), I usually atleast try to cheer the person up. Just to show I care. Be it a drawing, or just whatever honest words that can come out in the spur of the moment.
But yeah, I do understand what you mean when you feel like you are dominating the conversation. For me, I usually see that as an early sign of a convo that would go nowhere. So I don't really waste any time going into detail with someone that does not go into detail themselves. Or even waste much time exchanging with someone that does not know when to stop ignoring my own words to talk about themselves, or thier… eh... irritating interests. I had a friend that would constantly link to these really bad attempts at ironic humor in the middle of convos that really kept my attention, and I think he knew it was lame and irritating(I outright told him). At most, I like keeping things even.
@CCC:
@Hiroy: While I certainly don't swear by these sorts of self-help sites, this one guy has some pretty good articles, and this one seems pretty applicable, especially given the phrasing of your issue (although the numbers have a slightly different meaning): http://postmasculine.com/80-20-your-life
I guess his advice would be to just cut out those 90-10 people from your life, like a cancer, and I would agree. They're not worth your time or energy, especially this nasty-sounding downer guy.I broke it off with the guy several years ago. I figured I didn't need someone in my life that would drag me and my own dreams down. I did visit earlier this year when his grandad died to a show my respects, but there was still that air of uneasiness between us(and basically everyone that came to visit). So yeah, we are strangers now. And I don't think staying around would have proven any better.
That was certianly an interesting article though. And it gave me a little bit more to think about. I was thinking of my own hobbies, and how it only satisfies my own life, but was always put down since there's no one around I can share my hobbies with. Part of the problem was I've never really made the effort to seek out people that do, and stuck with what I had(people with disinterests in me as person) before inevitably burning those bridges. I'm hoping to make more of an effort in 2013. I do have my online network, but it's all I've had for the past 2 years now. It would be nice to just… leave the house and hang.
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@Uncle:
Personality before everything else.
This. So much this.
My first and so far only boyfriend has been the only one to whom I was initially attracted to because of his looks. All the other times I've had a crush on someone were due to their personalities. And once you've discovered that figment of personality that charmed you in the first place, you start to notice attractive things about their looks as well. For example my current crush has an adorable smile that just melts me.
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! Well, first and foremost, this, obviously:
! @Uncle:
! > Personality before everything else.
I got a fuck ton of preferences and if a girl doesn't match any of them but has an attractive personality then fuck all of it.
! Hell, I was even attracted to that pixie in college who I mentioned (who was about 6 inches shorter and 50 pounds lighter than myself), because she had such a fierce and impressive presence. In that sense it's not a restrictive preference at all, the same way that I imagine someone who likes blondes wouldn't outright reject every brunette…
! @Nami:
! > Just out of curiousity: What's fat for you? Like.. could you maybe post a picture of someone… "fat enough" and someone who's too thin? (god, why do I feel like I'm sounding super evil...)
! Ha ha… no, no pictures...
Again, I don't think I could tell you what "too thin" in the grand scheme is, when obviously personality, common interests, and strength of character are so much more important. I think those things could "overcome" any degree of lack of physical attractiveness. If we're talking immediate, first-impression, not-knowing-anything-else-about-them-at-all, sexual-attraction, though, I don't think I would naturally gravitate towards anyone lighter than me (66 kilos/145 pounds).
! Beyond that, I don't feel that I can give you numbers, because at my core, I don't think "fat" is an insult, and I would never use it that way, so it's kind of hard to make arbitrary classifications semantically when these words mean different things to everyone. But just to give you some perspective, my first actual relationship was with a 5'10" 204 kilo/450 pound girl. It only ended (after a whole year) because neither of us could handle long-distance, in the end. My second real relationship was with a gorgeous rugby player (more muscle than fat) who was probably around 5'9" 70 kilo/155 pounds. So clearly it's not as if I can't be attracted to "normal"-sized people (terrible word, hence the quotes). There's just nothing inside me to prevent me from seeing a super-sized person as being sexy, whereas it seems that the general populace is usually revolted by such people. The "shame," as it were, that I've felt this whole time, wasn't because I hated anything about myself or my preferences, or because I thought there was something wrong and perverted about me; I just didn't want that to be the reason that someone would prejudge me and think less of me.
! The health issue… that's a whole other can of worms ("By telling someone that you think they're beautiful even at a high weight, is that encouraging them to be unhealthy?"). I think only truly sick fetishists would prioritize their sexual attraction over someone's health. If health is at risk, then the person needs to lose weight, plain and simple, and a good partner would help in any way possible. As it happens, that first girl I was with had a perfectly clean bill of health at every checkup (blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.) and did not have an unhealthy diet, but she was trying to lose weight all the same, so of course I was supportive towards that effort the whole time we were together. Again, though, this is a different issue entirely that I think only becomes a problem when the preference becomes a fetish.
! @TheCrystalShip:
! > I feel ya. I can't get enough of them either, but I'm already so queer that I don't have much trouble admitting it. I'm sorry that social stigma is making you feel embarrassed about it or whatever. Like you said, it's just a preference, it shouldn't be such a big deal.
! I feel like you might have mentioned this somewhere before…
And it shouldn't be, I know. But it's a mean world out there. The AP confession thread, general society ain't. I gritted my teeth and shamefully kept my mouth shut whenever my college friends (who were upstanding people, otherwise) would mercilessly crack mean-spirited and dehumanizing jokes about fat people.
! @MiyamotoMusashi:
! > Btw, CCC, you really have chosen the wrong country to work and live in, considering your preference in women at least.
! You have no idea. A day when I see a girl with hips wider than her waist is a red letter day indeed. -
! @Hiroy:
! > Well, the story I went into detail with was a real life friend. We were buds, and then we grew up. I have real life acquaintances, but they aren't friends. Atleast not yet. So.. I guess, most of my friends are online buds.
! I feel like growing apart is a natural, albeit disappointing, occurrence that happens between people sometimes. You have your friends that you know are always going to be there and then the ones you've had for a long time where it just isn't going to last forever.
! Like personally, I had a very close female friend when I was younger, but she's a massive perfectionist and we've had major divergences on our roads in life. So instead of sulking about us growing apart or being angry at her that we couldn't make it last, I make sure that I keep my fond memories of our relationship. She was an important part of my life and I want to remember our good points and ignore how things ended.
! And… I want to learn from it.
! > I would say something though. Your first paragraph had me thinking. Is that what you say when you have absolutely nothing to say?("That sucks") Because for me, I'd feel incredibly guilty to leave it at that, as it's something I'd never want to hear either. Unless it's a constant and persistently hopeless person that does absolutely nothing but wallow in guilt and hatred of existence(I don't keep such people around), I usually atleast try to cheer the person up. Just to show I care. Be it a drawing, or just whatever honest words that can come out in the spur of the moment.
! It's not always my first reaction and depends on the severity, mood, yada yada. If it's left open enough that I can contribute and maybe add on to it beyond just "That sucks" I'll opt to. But for like an example, one of my closest friends told me that his girlfriend had a crappy day at work.
! …
! Well, that sucks. I have no idea what I'm supposed to add to that beyond "That sucks". And how would I even start to offer advice or comfort or something? >_>
! For me, I do make an effort in all of my friendships. I try to help where I can and do what I can to make them feel better and show my care and appreciation for them. I don't feel as guilty about the occasional one-liner since I definitely strive to make an effort. And if they know me better, then they can tell I wouldn't just leave it at that unless I really had nothing I could contribute. Some people just want to vent and don't expect a big detailed and concerned response (it might even annoy them). They just want someone to listen to them.
! Chances are, if they didn't leave it open enough that you could contribute and make a better response, they probably don't want that response. They probably just want the attention.
! And honestly, that's not always a bad thing. But if it's the only thing in your conversations and they never change and are always about them... Yeah, it's a one-sided friendship. But there's nothing wrong with a conversation being 80-20 sometimes. They might really need it.
! > But yeah, I do understand what you mean when you feel like you are dominating the conversation. For me, I usually see that as an early sign of a convo that would go nowhere. So I don't really waste any time going into detail with someone that does not go into detail themselves. Or even waste much time exchanging with someone that does not know when to stop ignoring my own words to talk about themselves, or thier… eh... irritating interests. I had a friend that would constantly link to these really bad attempts at ironic humor in the middle of convos that really kept my attention, and I think he knew it was lame and irritating(I outright told him). At most, I like keeping things even.
! I guess it depends when they don't go into detail and you do. You can usually tell if someone legitimately doesn't want to talk and whether they just plain don't have anything to talk about at that moment. Rambling is a bad habit of mine but sometimes (actually pretty often) the conversation can be saved when they finally start picking up and responding, and introduce different subjects. And for the people that dominate conversations and ignore your words, I still think trying honesty should be the first response.
! Unless you plain don't like them. In which case, you're kinda just setting yourself up for disappointment. Whenever someone shares something with me that I'm not interested in, I always tell them I'm just plain uninterested. But I think they're always going to share it at some point regardless because people like to talk about their interests. Best you can do is find some common ground and then work from there.
! If things look hopeless, bail. -
Feels good to get this off my chest.
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! woke up this morning… went down for breakfast and was really enjoying it. then my dad starts berating me. asked about my grades... I was half-honest with him, in that I told him half my grades. I know that i've made mistakes. I've made poor choices. I know that I am capable of more. my GPA has slipped below 3.5 for the first time in my life. the problem here is twofold: it needs to be a 3.5 to
! A) Keep a single room
B) Continue to receive scholarship
! I have one semester to get it back up. I'm afraid of what will happen if my scholarship is revoked. I had less than the first year's because back then there was extra money, but now I'm not going to be able to count on it. I just... I have been afraid of this. I had hoped to scrape two As and two Bs, but that's not how it worked out. I also know that they're going to find out about it sooner or later. but I couldn't bring myself to do it. they gave me something for Christmas which I know I don't deserve. I had not expected them to take that seriously. why would they? why would I deserve anything for that matter? So when my dad asked me to... when he asked if I'd gotten any Cs I told him I had got one. I chose to be honest, but honesty never really helps much I suppose. I'd woken up this morning feeling a sliver of hope in my heart. that maybe I could change that if I find the strength I know is buried somewhere... I can still fix my mistakes. but I feel like that's been crushed. because my dad will never see that good in me again. he's always saying this. he's always saying how disappointing I am. And I will always be disappointing. I used to not be, but it's like a tipping point was reached and now my parents are never going to be proud of me again.
! He talks with finality. it's not "what if" at all. he keeps saying I'm going to wind up in a double room. He's already counted me out. He's saying I WILL fail. I won't be able to fix these mistakes. He talks like he knows everything, like he's the only man who knows sense. He might be a pragmatist, but his views on certain things are plain idiotic and outdated. He's always saying this to me at every opportunity he has. I don't think he understands how this makes me feel. I hardly know what I'm living for… and here he is saying my life is just going to end in failure. He's a liar too. the reason I need to maintain that GPA is because of scholarship money, but now he's saying I'm not allowed to get a C. what, like you mean half the class has got? but the rest of the class doesn't matter. it's just a case of me "not trying hard enough." I will always not be "trying hard enough" even if it's a B. I can't believe my grades have slipped to the point where I'd be glad to get a B, even if that's still not good enough.
! I don't like myself much. still, being told that by someone else makes it all feel worse. He thinks my sibling is the only one who treats me poorly, but sometimes he's no better. My parents have good intentions, but they should win an award for being terrible motivators. It's just an affirmation that I am indeed worthless and won't amount to anything. I'm still trying to ask myself what it is I really want. Everyone else in college acts like they know exactly what they want and work toward it. life is a balance, but somehow I feel like it's become so unbalanced that I'm at a crossroads now. I either have to choose between my happiness and satisfying them. Because these days "having fun" or trying to enjoy anything is bad because it falls into the category of "not studying." Anything that falls into that category is "bullshit" and I'm stupid for enjoying things or reading or trying to relax. I can't relax because that's not studying, and I'm a bad person for relaxing. I'm starting to think maybe that's true. Maybe I shouldn't try to have fun. -
@ piratemario: parents' way of "motivating" can be really discouraging sometimes. I think they try to dare the children to prove them wrong, but it often backfires and always hurts. It takes maturity to understand it in first place and good memory not to forget it.
Your parents are probably used to the situation, when you had better grades in earlier education, and from what you have written you are used to it too. But it's perfectly normal for students to fave lover grades on higher level of education. That doesn't mean you've become worse student, just the system of grades changed.
People who seem to know what, what they want to work for belong to 3 groups:
a) people who only seem to know, what they want and once you get to know it'll tuned out that they actually don't,
b) people who actually never thought good about it and are after goals set for them by others - they not necessarily need to be aware of it, they may think they have chosen for themselves, but in truth they ware pointed in the direction
c) rare few who are so awesome and really know, what they are working for, but that's max 1%.
So there is no need to be depressed by it.
Studying is important. But it's also important to relax and have fun. If you neglect it, you won't be effective either. Don't try to have fun, though. You are either having fun or aren't. If you are trying, that means you aren't having fun and that's just a waist of time. Unless, by trying to have you mean plainly engaging into activities that usually carry fun for you. -
Today and during the winter-break I've made some interesting discoveries about my mom, brother and that guy I was in love with.
On the 26th, we were at my grandparents' house for Christmas dinner and on our way home in the car, I started arguing with my brother again. It all began when I tried to say something, you know, contribute to the conversation. My brother shouted at me to not to interrupt him. Nowadays he always does this. I understand that it's very disturbing and all, but when he's talking endlessly and I try not to sit there silently I can't help but open my mouth. Then, he acted like I'm some peasant who shouldn't speak unless asked. When I tried to defend myself with the above fact and with that when they (my mom and brother) interrupt me, I don't say a word he was all like "Oh you don't make any sense!". Then my mom told us to stop. After we dropped him, she told me not to do this again. When I asked why I was the "culprit" she said I should know better to keep my mouth shut when my brother's drunk as shit (sorry but there's not a word more fitting).
I should know better. He's 23 years old, I'm just 18 and she knows perfectly that most of the time I'm not as stable as I should be. She's still defending my brother and I can't help but feel hurt and alone. The only thing that gives me hope is that my grandfather seems to feel this, that my brother's not as big of a saint. In the meantime, he must see something in me because he treats me differently than before.About my mom: a few days ago I saw the she was down a little and I asked why was it to which she replied that his friends are neglecting her lately (as in during the holidays). I couldn't help but wonder if she knew that this is the way I feel like every time she goes out with them after saying that she would make programs for us.
Lastly, that guy: I've finally stopped blaming myself for all this. Whenever I think about what happened (unconsciously) I tell myself "It's not my fault, the only thing I did wrong is to oppress my true self". I'm still wondering about something though… back than (around November), he was acting quite differently and it's not just because I saw through love-goggles. In fact, I sort of fell in love with him after he started treating me differently; the kind words, the helpfulness and all that. Then it somehow developed to me trying to spend more time with him which gradually got more difficult and I started to saw the signs of him not giving a damn. Now, I can see somewhat clearly that I'm not at all important to him which kind of hurts after all those things he told me. The only thing I changed is that I don't cling onto him anymore. He just doesn't care about me anymore, I became that one classmate whom he wants in his presence the least. At least, I feel this way. When I once told him about what I felt and how he acted during the little get-together after the ball, he said he didn't notice anything. Maybe he tried to take me for a fool. Or he just really doesn't care enough to notice even after I told him about my feelings. I couldn't have been more clear. Maybe it's all because he just can't comprehend as he's in a comfortable emotional situation with his family being an actual family not just pieces that resemble something like that.
Whatever it is, I'm through with him and I won't ever oppress myself in order to appeal to someone. My true self is awesome with all it's ups and downs and if he doesn't like it, someone else will. End of the story.It felt good to write it all out~
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So this is really awkward but a true story
Last year i was the first time ever stationary in hospital and as you all may know, in a hospital you have not much privacy. So on my my fourth or fifth day in a 5 bed room with 5 other guys i woke up in the middle of the nught for a very awkward reason.
I had a wet dream…
So could barely climb out if my bed, but i had to, went to the bathroom to wash my private parts and change my underwear...
Sad but true story ^^
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Man… If I were more honest, I would be a lot more embarrassed.
So honestly dude, I wouldn't even worry about it.
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! I've shared this with a friend who actually guessed her identity, but I think it's time for me to vent it all out, the pain the confusion the despair
! I have a crush on a girl and I admitted it to her. That's not the 'embarassing' part. The 'embarassing' part is that she's not Christian and she's not a non-Christian friend a lot of my Christian friends know.
! First off, if you're going to be one of those atheist pricks who are going to tell me to drop my religion to get her, piss off. I don't think there's any problem with certain parts of the Scripture that I hold true. Sure, I don't believe we should stone gays but then again I can't say the same for my peers. Or my parents. It's not the religion that's the problem it's more the peer pressure.
! The thing is that when I criticise them like this, I know that they aren't bad people, I don't think I've seen a 'truly bad' Christian so far in my life, even acquantances of mine that are in the same religion, I can see them trying their best to do good. But I'm afraid of the stigma. I'm afraid that if my little lovepuppiness is going to get known, people will think I have problems and need to 'purify myself', worse still, 'free my taint'. But I don't get that feeling with her. I never bothered to ask her about her personal life the whole of last year when I knew her as a great friend but something… something inside me changed.
! In real life, if any of you could see me now (please don't, I chose to vent in an anonymous location like this for a reason) you'd see me moody. Sarcastic. Self-deprecative. I'm confused. It's the feeling I blamed on being part of an 'Internet generation', access to so much knowledge and yet feeling so stupid, so inadequate. Then, somehow, something conscious in me says I'm attracted to her. Which I find stupid. Silly. No way I'm attracted to her she's been a friend among our own circle of friends, no other Christian knows about this and when I reveal to her my feelings on Facebook Chat I am just raging and yet helpless, on and on about my life whow I'm scared how I hate that I'm scared and yet...
! I guess this is what it feels like. Not just love, but love for a person you're not told to love. Because she's not Christian. Because she's different.
! EDIT: I should mention that I'm currently studying in a Christian school in Singapore. -
! I've shared this with a friend who actually guessed her identity, but I think it's time for me to vent it all out, the pain the confusion the despair
! I have a crush on a girl and I admitted it to her. That's not the 'embarassing' part. The 'embarassing' part is that she's not Christian and she's not a non-Christian friend a lot of my Christian friends know.
! First off, if you're going to be one of those atheist pricks who are going to tell me to drop my religion to get her, piss off. I don't think there's any problem with certain parts of the Scripture that I hold true. Sure, I don't believe we should stone gays but then again I can't say the same for my peers. Or my parents. It's not the religion that's the problem it's more the peer pressure.
! The thing is that when I criticise them like this, I know that they aren't bad people, I don't think I've seen a 'truly bad' Christian so far in my life, even acquantances of mine that are in the same religion, I can see them trying their best to do good. But I'm afraid of the stigma. I'm afraid that if my little lovepuppiness is going to get known, people will think I have problems and need to 'purify myself', worse still, 'free my taint'. But I don't get that feeling with her. I never bothered to ask her about her personal life the whole of last year when I knew her as a great friend but something… something inside me changed.
! In real life, if any of you could see me now (please don't, I chose to vent in an anonymous location like this for a reason) you'd see me moody. Sarcastic. Self-deprecative. I'm confused. It's the feeling I blamed on being part of an 'Internet generation', access to so much knowledge and yet feeling so stupid, so inadequate. Then, somehow, something conscious in me says I'm attracted to her. Which I find stupid. Silly. No way I'm attracted to her she's been a friend among our own circle of friends, no other Christian knows about this and when I reveal to her my feelings on Facebook Chat I am just raging and yet helpless, on and on about my life whow I'm scared how I hate that I'm scared and yet...
! I guess this is what it feels like. Not just love, but love for a person you're not told to love. Because she's not Christian. Because she's different.
! EDIT: I should mention that I'm currently studying in a Christian school in Singapore.! I don't quiteget what your problem is.
! Are you afraidof what your Christian family and friends will tell? You can't made youdecisions in order to please others - they'd backfire. If you startrelationship your family and friendswould probably get used to her given some time.
Or do you feelstrange because the girl is different? Then I'll tell you, it's natural to be weirdedout by something that is different and unexpected at first, it'll cease intime. It's also perfectly natural to develop attraction toward somebody aftersome time of knowing them.
What I reallydon't get is why do you think anyone should suggest abandoning religion inorder to get the girl. It's idiotic advice, and fighting atheist or not itwould be stupid for anyone to suggest such a thing. I know stupid people exist.
Religion andattraction to other people have little in common. There is many couples ofdifferent religions. If there is desire of dialog and understanding, being ofdifferent religion doesn't really matter.
There is nothingwrong or "impure" with you being attracted to whoever. There isnothing wrong with you enjoying the feeling. There is nothing wrong with beingreluctant at first. Except you need to realize the uneasy feeling come fromoutside of you. That's one way a person is controlled by society, by being madeto believe there is something shameful with their acts or feelings. You need tobe and adult and looks at things critically. Is there anything wrong with yourfeelings and acts? Why should you be ashamed? Is there any universal rule forthe sort of situation you are in?
And if anybodytries to tell you, you are not suppose to love somebody because of theirreligion, that person has no right to call themselves Christian. Christianity is religion of love. God inChristianity is good and merciful and is love itself. God in Christianity loves as muchnon-Christians as Christians. Therefore there is no reason for Christians tovalue other Christians over non-Christians.
Don't be afraidof stigma. If people love you, if they are your friends, they would understand,although it may be hard at the begging both for them and for you. But to havesomething worthy in life you have to endure some hardships. -
! I've shared this with a friend who actually guessed her identity, but I think it's time for me to vent it all out, the pain the confusion the despair
! I have a crush on a girl and I admitted it to her. That's not the 'embarassing' part. The 'embarassing' part is that she's not Christian and she's not a non-Christian friend a lot of my Christian friends know.
! First off, if you're going to be one of those atheist pricks who are going to tell me to drop my religion to get her, piss off. I don't think there's any problem with certain parts of the Scripture that I hold true. Sure, I don't believe we should stone gays but then again I can't say the same for my peers. Or my parents. It's not the religion that's the problem it's more the peer pressure.
! The thing is that when I criticise them like this, I know that they aren't bad people, I don't think I've seen a 'truly bad' Christian so far in my life, even acquantances of mine that are in the same religion, I can see them trying their best to do good. But I'm afraid of the stigma. I'm afraid that if my little lovepuppiness is going to get known, people will think I have problems and need to 'purify myself', worse still, 'free my taint'. But I don't get that feeling with her. I never bothered to ask her about her personal life the whole of last year when I knew her as a great friend but something… something inside me changed.
! In real life, if any of you could see me now (please don't, I chose to vent in an anonymous location like this for a reason) you'd see me moody. Sarcastic. Self-deprecative. I'm confused. It's the feeling I blamed on being part of an 'Internet generation', access to so much knowledge and yet feeling so stupid, so inadequate. Then, somehow, something conscious in me says I'm attracted to her. Which I find stupid. Silly. No way I'm attracted to her she's been a friend among our own circle of friends, no other Christian knows about this and when I reveal to her my feelings on Facebook Chat I am just raging and yet helpless, on and on about my life whow I'm scared how I hate that I'm scared and yet...
! I guess this is what it feels like. Not just love, but love for a person you're not told to love. Because she's not Christian. Because she's different.
! EDIT: I should mention that I'm currently studying in a Christian school in Singapore.It sounds less like a Christian experience than a, no offense, cult experience your going through with things so closed off from "others" like that and afraid of your circle getting on your case.
Just my two cents, but there's never anything healthy nor holy about such a socially closed stone throwing atmosphere like that.
I'm talking about the peer pressure people here, not you of course. Power to you in going your way or at least holding to the possibility.