Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD

No Maam

@Hiroy:

You guys are embarrassing.

…

But thanks for being embarrassing.
What better friends could I ask for?

Rich ones ? ;) .

Hiroy

@No:

Rich ones ? ;) .

I've already got rich friends.

Nami

ok, how to start this…

I think, I really need some honest opinions...
I've had this in my mind for a long while now..

! I am not happy anymore. Every day has become a constant struggle. I'm trying to keep myself busy, trying to tell myself I'm strong, I can do this… but actually, I think I am not strong. I can't make it anymore. I want to be with him...
Half a year ago, everything was fine, it was ok being away from him, I had school and work and it made me happy to have a life. But since late november, I feel like I am wrong here where I am. I don't belong.
I always told myself if I'm not happy, I find something else to do, somewhere else to be that will make me happy. I won't let my life be sad. I won't do things I don't enjoy.
Now it's gotten to a point where I think I have to go. Thing is. No one will actually allow me. If I say that I quit school and move to australia to the one I love, everyone will think I'm a stupid naive girl, which I probably am and that I will regret this sooner or later. But I regret where I am now.
I like the school, but I only like what I learn there. I like some teachers but most of them are just horrible and they make me feel horrible for being the open, honest and sometimes loud person I just am. They don't make me feel welcome. They make me feel like I'm too stupid to do anything right, even when I try hard.
And my classmates... I love the class but in the end I have no one really by my side. For everyone I'm just that girl that stands with them. No one ever comes to me to chat with me. I am always the one going to them and trying to join in. I don't feel like I belong. I like them but I feel like they're getting tired of me. I know I'm no easy to handle person but I also know from my first education that people can actually do handle me and do care for me and be there for me and wanting me around. I don't feel this now. I feel like a bother, every time. Still I try every day to try to involve myself with them, try to chat with them. But this feeling of not belonging and only being a burden stays.
So I asked myself, why should I stay here? Just to please everyone around me but myself? It's the first time ever that I feel like I can't talk to my father or my bf about it because I know they both will tell me to live through this and to be strong. That things will change, that I just have to keep my focus. But really, I'm growing old, I don't want to be at a place where I don't feel good anymore. I could study what I study here everywhere else as well, so why staying here and just struggle every day?.... When I could be happy instead.
I know, every one says you should not just blindly follow someone else. But if that someone is making me happy and feel worth something, why not? I wouldn't give up myself, I would still want to learn sewing and I would look for places where I can do that. But I could do all this, knowing I can fall asleep to the love of my life.
I look at other distance relationships on tumblr and here and all I asked myself is, HOW can they do it? How can they be so strong while I'm just a constant piece of desperation and depression?...
Most people think I am a strong, brave girl, but I'm not. I'm totally not...
! What should I do....

No Maam

@Nami:

ok, how to start this…

I think, I really need some honest opinions...
I've had this in my mind for a long while now..

! I am not happy anymore. Every day has become a constant struggle. I'm trying to keep myself busy, trying to tell myself I'm strong, I can do this… but actually, I think I am not strong. I can't make it anymore. I want to be with him...
Half a year ago, everything was fine, it was ok being away from him, I had school and work and it made me happy to have a life. But since late november, I feel like I am wrong here where I am. I don't belong.
I always told myself if I'm not happy, I find something else to do, somewhere else to be that will make me happy. I won't let my life be sad. I won't do things I don't enjoy.
Now it's gotten to a point where I think I have to go. Thing is. No one will actually allow me. If I say that I quit school and move to australia to the one I love, everyone will think I'm a stupid naive girl, which I probably am and that I will regret this sooner or later. But I regret where I am now.
I like the school, but I only like what I learn there. I like some teachers but most of them are just horrible and they make me feel horrible for being the open, honest and sometimes loud person I just am. They don't make me feel welcome. They make me feel like I'm too stupid to do anything right, even when I try hard.
And my classmates... I love the class but in the end I have no one really by my side. For everyone I'm just that girl that stands with them. No one ever comes to me to chat with me. I am always the one going to them and trying to join in. I don't feel like I belong. I like them but I feel like they're getting tired of me. I know I'm no easy to handle person but I also know from my first education that people can actually do handle me and do care for me and be there for me and wanting me around. I don't feel this now. I feel like a bother, every time. Still I try every day to try to involve myself with them, try to chat with them. But this feeling of not belonging and only being a burden stays.
So I asked myself, why should I stay here? Just to please everyone around me but myself? It's the first time ever that I feel like I can't talk to my father or my bf about it because I know they both will tell me to live through this and to be strong. That things will change, that I just have to keep my focus. But really, I'm growing old, I don't want to be at a place where I don't feel good anymore. I could study what I study here everywhere else as well, so why staying here and just struggle every day?.... When I could be happy instead.
I know, every one says you should not just blindly follow someone else. But if that someone is making me happy and feel worth something, why not? I wouldn't give up myself, I would still want to learn sewing and I would look for places where I can do that. But I could do all this, knowing I can fall asleep to the love of my life.
I look at other distance relationships on tumblr and here and all I asked myself is, HOW can they do it? How can they be so strong while I'm just a constant piece of desperation and depression?...
! What should I do....

You should probably ask yourself a couple of questions before considering this.

1: Do you think you could continue your education in a sufficient manner if you leave ? Because having to constantly lie about having a decree isn't that nice of a feeling, take it from a high school dropout (throw-out would be a better term, but I digress)

2: Are you sure you would have a way to support yourself if you decided to go ? Preferabely in more then one profession, so that you would have a higher chance of being sucessfull.

3: Would you be willing to become an imigrant, fully dependant on the support of the person you have feelings for ? And more importantly, his own family in the long run ?

Nami

@No:

You should probably ask yourself a couple of questions before considering this.

1: Do you think you could continue your education in a sufficient manner if you leave ? Because having to constantly lie about having a decree isn't that nice of a feeling, take it from a high school dropout (throw-out would be a better term, but I digress)

I have a degree already in graphic design. And a normal school degree.

2: Are you sure you would have a way to support yourself if you decided to go ? Preferabely in more then one profession, so that you would have a higher chance of being sucessfull.

finding a job to keep myself over water would be a piece of cake. No one of the people I ever worked for, regretted having me.
What actually keeps me the most at the place I am now is another problem….

3: Would you be willing to become an imigrant, fully dependant on the support of the person you have feelings for ? And more importantly, his own family in the long run ?

this. I don't wnat to be a burden for him either. I have no money at all, so even if nobody was against my plans, I still couldn't go, because I have no money to pay a visa leave alone a flight. I have no money for a flat or food. So yeah, I would have to depend myself on him and that's something I don't want.

So in the end, I am stuck here in my current position where I can't move nor breath and have to life with the fact that I've chosen this for myself 2years ago. I'm caged.

No Maam

@Nami:

I have a degree already in graphic design. And a normal school degree.

finding a job to keep myself over water would be a piece of cake. No one of the people I ever worked for, regretted having me.
What actually keeps me the most at the place I am now is another problem….

this. I don't wnat to be a burden for him either. I have no money at all, so even if nobody was against my plans, I still couldn't go, because I have no money to pay a visa leave alone a flight. I have no money for a flat or food. So yeah, I would have to depend myself on him and that's something I don't want.

So in the end, I am stuck here in my current position where I can't move nor breath and have to life with the fact that I've chosen this for myself 2years ago. I'm caged.

The visa thing brings up another question. Unless you'd marry right away, you'd probably need to get some sort of work permit, and not sure how long you can even stay on such a permit in Australia. For example our country is not going to extend any foreigner's work permits (especialy from third world and developing countries) in a month or two, I forget which, so that could actualy happen there as well.

And finaly, there's the fact that people in Australia will probably preffer someone from Australia, unless they have an amazing CV they can also prove.

They might be alot more lenient with this stuff in Australia, but people, to a certain decree, act pretty much the same way given similar circumstaces.

Nami

Why do you think Smudgy moved to Australia? Because the job opportunities are awesome there. And you get lots of money.

You can get a working Visa for one year… but thanks no maam. I didn't want to hear what things I would all need to get, because I actually know this, as my bf moved there and I was involved in that process.
I know I have no chances atm for the things I want to do now..

what do you think why I feel so CAGED.

No Maam

@Nami:

Why do you think Smudgy moved to Australia? Because the job opportunities are awesome there. And you get lots of money.

You can get a working Visa for one year… but thanks no maam. I didn't want to hear what things I would all need to get, because I actually know this, as my bf moved there and I was involved in that process.
I know I have no chances atm for the things I want to do now..

what do you think why I feel so CAGED.

Realy wish I could help, but that's all I can do realy, apart from trying to stop you from making an emotional decition, that's pretty much all I can tell you, but I felt I needed to say something about it.

I survived the buster call

Nami, I was in a long distance relationship for four years. Yup–it's hell. I got through because I had a goal--finishing school. I think your goal is to give Smudge a chance to get things in order--he planned for this for a long time--he has a certain plan in mind that he wants to accomplish once he's there. Have you spoken to him about your feelings? Is there a way you two could build something together in Australia, or is it better to give him time to get what he wants accomplished done first? These are questions only you two can answer. In the meantime you need to decide what you would do if you went there--what sort of career--then do what you need to do to prepare for that, jsut as Smudge did. Having a limit to the waiting makes it easier--and having a goal sets a sort of limit on the thing by default.

Gotta go. Not sure any of this is anything you don't already know, but regardless you have my empathy and support, for what that is worth.

Nami

Thank you, Buster.
I talked with Smudgy about it now.

Whatever.

Here's what I have to say now. Already posted it on FB but I thought I made share here as well and add a bit:
Today I've decided to be happy. Cause it's better to be happy about the things I have and appreciate them than to be sad about the things I don't have yet but will come to me when the time is right and I've shown enough patience to deserve them. Because good things come to those who wait.

I might not have much money, but at least I have love, friendship and family. And I will do my hardest to grow as a person and in my skills. 1 1/2years. It's not that long, right?

Let's see how long this positive attitude will stay. lol

Elisabeth Heart

You are very brave. That's admirable :)
I'm glad you made peace with that decision even for a little while. 1 year and a half isn't that long, indeed. There will probably be bad times ahead but good ones too; focus on those. Stay strong and remember that it is worth it !
And if you need to talk~

I survived the buster call

I'm glad for you Nami, that you've reached some peace with the situation–and I promise, it will go by far faster than you think. (though of course there will be times when it seems like its lasting a lifetime.)

igetownd

I'm not sure if anyone would bother listening to my monologues anymore. I have never been a "good" listener, even when I just sit quietly and listen. My "theory of mind" is poor, with "theory of mind" being the psychological term for understanding that other people don't feel and think the same way as you. It's caused me more than a few meaningless arguments. (Oh the travesty of people making "incorrect" and "ignorant" statements on the internet! Especially when my "correct" and "informed" statements make little sense…) Anyway, this isn't really the main topic of my post.

My reason for posting is an anxiety I just acquired: my sister hasn't contacted me or my parents for a couple of weeks. I know that's normally not something to be worried about, but my mom, in just the past few days, received a distressing e-mail about my sister failing her classes and starving herself. And then, she hasn't followed up.

It's especially distressing because I went through the exact same symptoms she's going through: shame that causes communication aversion, hopelessness that puts one into depression, and an urge to find a distraction to ward away anxious thoughts. She hasn't worsened to the point where she's having self-hating thoughts and thoughts of self-inflicted injury, but I believe she's wise enough to seek professional help if that happens. (She's wiser than me in that she's notifying us earlier than what I had done--which is a few years of compulsive lies to cover up inadequacies.)

In particular, I feel guilt for not teaching her better coping strategies. It's probably because I lack proper coping strategies, and am still exhibiting the same symptoms but in a more manageable form, (due to becoming a more mature adult).

I wonder if this maladaptive behavior is caused by improper child rearing, but I'm pretty sure that my parents are not that abusive compared to the stories that I've studied. (Abusive foster parents and neglectful substance abusing parents are far worse than my dictator dad and overbearing mom.) Perhaps it's due to neurological differences my sister and I possess, including aberrant social cognition. Maybe, we're just "special", and typical child-rearing practices are not necessarily appropriate for us. I don't know, and my therapist has hardly provided suitable answers. (I don't think he's supposed to, a therapist is supposed to guide a patient to solve their own problems. Freudian psychoanalysis is archaic and obsolete.)

A great worry that I have is that my father will over-react and ruin the peaceful atmosphere of our household with his explosive temper tantrums. (I think it's clear that he has serious issues that he obstinately denies.) Another worry, is that my sister won't be able to attend her school any longer, (it's kind of prestigious for her field: UCSD's biomedical engineering program), so she'll lose many "potentially" good opportunities. However, I also acknowledge that even medical students who have attended John Hopkins School of Medicine or Harvard School of Medicine mostly just become ordinary doctors with a mountain of debt, so the choice of school is hardly a good indicator of career success.

Anyway, I apologize for not being a good friend to many forum members, not taking interest in other people's well-being, and being lazy in general. I also apologize for making trolling and sarcastic comments in order to solicit grimaces and what I regard as humorous responses. Regrettably, I am not creative enough to think of a more entertaining way to participate in forum discussions. I am also bad with image macros, despite practically living on the internet.

ChesCa

@igetownd:

My reason for posting is an anxiety I just acquired: my sister hasn't contacted me or my parents for a couple of weeks. I know that's normally not something to be worried about, but my mom, in just the past few days, received a distressing e-mail about my sister failing her classes and starving herself. And then, she hasn't followed up.

It's especially distressing because I went through the exact same symptoms she's going through: shame that causes communication aversion, hopelessness that puts one into depression, and an urge to find a distraction to ward away anxious thoughts. She hasn't worsened to the point where she's having self-hating thoughts and thoughts of self-inflicted injury, but I believe she's wise enough to seek professional help if that happens. (She's wiser than me in that she's notifying us earlier than what I had done–which is a few years of compulsive lies to cover up inadequacies.)

In particular, I feel guilt for not teaching her better coping strategies. It's probably because I lack proper coping strategies, and am still exhibiting the same symptoms but in a more manageable form, (due to becoming a more mature adult).

First off, let me just say that I hope things improve for your sister. That said, I think you're taking on way too much responsibility here. You can be supportive of your sister, but speaking from experience it's also up to the person themself to want to get better.

Anyway, I apologize for not being a good friend to many forum members, not taking interest in other people's well-being, and being lazy in general. I also apologize for making trolling and sarcastic comments in order to solicit grimaces and what I regard as humorous responses. Regrettably, I am not creative enough to think of a more entertaining way to participate in forum discussions. I am also bad with image macros, despite practically living on the internet.

Dude, that's a stupid thing to apologize for and it's dumb to beat yourself up over it. It's impossible to make time for everybody and everyone has their own way of expressing him or herself.
And sometimes (well okay, a lot of time), forum participation can be a shallow thing, even when you entertain someone. It shouldn't really reflect on you as a person at all. And forget that Macro shit, because with all due respect, you might be one of the few that cares about that kind of stuff.

If you really want to make a connection, or whatever it is you're looking for, just talk to people one on one or something.

Anyway, with that out of the way, I do hope things work out for you and your family.

igetownd

It makes no logical sense to blame and fill myself with regret for things I cannot control. However, it also disturbs me that I cannot control myself and make the best decisions that rationality and virtue can offer, and instead opt to do things that satisfy only transient selfish desires. Maybe I'm saying that I hate the faults of humanity, of which I'm a part of, but there's no actual palatable alternative. Yet, I do not know why I hate human faults. I guess I'm conditioned to do that? Maybe.

Anyway, thanks for responding, even though I'm probably difficult to understand.

trappedolphin

If you don't mind me asking, igetownd, how old are you? I promise that it's not cause I want to mock you or anything :P

You brought up coping strategies, so I'll talk a little about that. Coping strategies are important, yes, but there's a mixture of reasons why people develop or don't develop them, and it has absolutely nothing to do with whether you can teach her anything. The best you could possibly give her is social support; the rest is pretty much out of your hands. Childhood experiences, environment, biological factors all play a part. Bottom line is, don't blame yourself. Maybe your sister's feeling a lot of pressure.. I really do hope you find her soon. :)

Have you talked to your therapist about your struggle with making rational decisions? She might be able to work through it with you :)

Kendrick

I slept with my cousin, does that count? Well, okay, I'm kind of dating her, I guess. Second cousin. Or third. I don't even know. Other than that, uh, well I assaulted my ex-best-friend last week. Er, he assaulted me, and I beat him severely because I have anger issues and lost control.

eerie

^ where do you live

I survived the buster call

eerie–his avie says Pennsylvania. LOL

Kendrick. Does your relationship bother you? Are you under age or something? Why confess if you (and she) are ok with it, and second or third cousins mariages are not prohibited by law (though with first cousins once removed--or the child of your first cousin--it is prohibited in some places)? http://www.11points.com/Dating-Sex/11_State_Laws_About_Marrying_Your_Cousins,_From_Strictest_to_Loosest Did you grow up thinking of her as family, and it feels a little weird to be dating? What do her family and your family have to say about it?

As for your x-best friend… It seems like you feel badly about it, from your post. Apologize, then stop just feeling bad and take some action--get some help dealing with your anger issues. There's plenty to be had out there. You can do it. You aren't fated to remain a person with anger issues--you can do something about it. It will be hard, but in the end it will be worth it.

eerie

Ah yes buster you keen eyed gal..

igetownd

@trappedolphin:

If you don't mind me asking, igetownd, how old are you? I promise that it's not cause I want to mock you or anything :P

You brought up coping strategies, so I'll talk a little about that. Coping strategies are important, yes, but there's a mixture of reasons why people develop or don't develop them, and it has absolutely nothing to do with whether you can teach her anything. The best you could possibly give her is social support; the rest is pretty much out of your hands. Childhood experiences, environment, biological factors all play a part. Bottom line is, don't blame yourself. Maybe your sister's feeling a lot of pressure.. I really do hope you find her soon. :)

Have you talked to your therapist about your struggle with making rational decisions? She might be able to work through it with you :)

I'm 26. I face the pressure of conforming to the societal standard of having a college degree and working in jobs for young educated adults. The problem is that I haven't even graduated from undergrad. Some of my old classmates have graduated from graduate school. I find solace in that well-paid work is still very hard to find for people my age.

I am working on my various emotional problems with my therapist and doctor. I've recently learned that I'm developing OCD, so that's probably why I've had a recent rise in anxiety. But I hate increases in medication. It messes with my nerves.

Thanks for being concerned for my sister. BTW, she was active on this forum until recently. I haven't gotten her permission to reveal her name, but some members may have figured it out.

I survived the buster call

I hadn't responded to you yet, Igetownd, because Trapped covered a lot of what I was going to say–except that I truly do believe that parenting/parental role models can help or exasperate certain in-born problems, as the case may be. You may not be able to change a tendancy to anxiety, but you can actively model and teach appropriate coping skills for those things. If your parents do not themselves have such coping skills, then they would not be providing you and your sister with the skills that could help you. They would need to bcome aware of their own issues, then actively seek to change and develop those skills before they could pass them down. Many parents become aware of their own stuff when their kids get dx'd, and the whole family goes through the process of learning together. When this doens't happen, it becomes up to you, as a now grown adult, to find your own route out out of the cycle--and it sounds as if you are with your therapist. In so doing, you are providing a role model to your sister--so in essence you are doing the best you can right now for her by doing the best for youself. Sometimes that is not only the only thing we can do, but it is the best thing as well, though of course none of us can know for sure until time passes and we can see the results. Being concerned and available to your sister are good too, but you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, so to speak, because if you pass out, that helps no one. So, like Trapped said, no more guilt, K? That helps no one.

Monkey King

@I:

eerie–his avie says Pennsylvania. LOL

Ah so central Pennsylvania it is.

Nia

There is a very real possibility that my best friend won't pass a certain test, and if she fails, she won't be allowed to study law (anywhere in Germany) anymore.
I'm sure she'd manage just fine; it's not like she's studying law because it's her dream/passion, she just didn't know what else to do.
However, I'm scared that she won't make it because … because I don't want to lose her.
Yes, that's very selfish, I realize that. I ... I just don't know if I'd be able to do this without her. Don't get me wrong, I like studying law and I'm actually rather good at it, too (making it even more enjoyable), but it definitely wouldn't be the same without her.

Nolus

@Nia:

There is a very real possibility that my best friend won't pass a certain test, and if she fails, she won't be allowed to study law (anywhere in Germany) anymore.
I'm sure she'd manage just fine; it's not like she's studying law because it's her dream/passion, she just didn't know what else to do.
However, I'm scared that she won't make it because … because I don't want to lose her.
Yes, that's very selfish, I realize that. I ... I just don't know if I'd be able to do this without her. Don't get me wrong, I like studying law and I'm actually rather good at it, too (making it even more enjoyable), but it definitely wouldn't be the same without her.

I think it's natural to feel that way. We are all more determined and brave when someone who is dear to us in some way is close and with us. It gives us a certain feeling of being safe. There are tasks which seem hard and scary at first, but when someone just comes with us, we suddenly look at it a different way. Like we can't mess it up anymore just because that someone is standing beside us.
It's not selfish at all. It's part of the human nature.

The most you can do now is wait and hope for the best. Even if she does fail, I'm sure you two will find a way to aid each other even if you won't be studying at the same place.

Nia

Thanks a lot, Nolus. I feel better now ^^

@Nolus:

Even if she does fail, I'm sure you two will find a way to aid each other even if you won't be studying at the same place.

True, but … I'm still afraid. It just won't be the same anymore.
I'm trying not to think too much about it; she hasn't failed the test yet after all. As you said, all I can do now is hope.

Nolus

I'm feeling a little under the weather. It's partly because of that thing, but there's something else that troubles my heart.

There's this classmate of mine. We've know each other for almost 15 years. At first we wasn't friends, but after a while, we got along. This was approximately 7-8 years ago. For one year, we parted ways because we went to other classes. Then, we became friends and classmates again. It didn't take too much time for me to fall in love with him (well, we can call it "kids'-love"). I was waiting for a response for years.
Two years ago, he befriended a boy from our class. This is normal, and I didn't have anything against it, really. It was when I still got those friends (girls) I've lost since.
I don't know when, but things have changed. Maybe it was like this all along, I don't know. I still loved him, but he seemed completely without any emotion. Well, all I could do is wait, right? I did.
Somewhere in the past 2 years, I lost interest in him. It was so one sided and I got tired of it and lost all that feeling I had before. This is natural, I'm sure. This isn't why I'm writing these words at the moment.
Recently, I started to feel I'm just an unwanted guest in their friendship. I'm nothing but someone who they can turn to when they don't know the meaning of an English word or need one of my books. However, when I have these short time periods when I feel awful for some reason (it's not always because of that thing) they just abandon me. Like I cease to exist for days. Don't get me wrong, I do realize boys at that age may not understand these kinds of things, but what I want is not help or anything. Just a simple "Are you okay?" "What's up?" etc., but I got nothing. Just ignorance.
This time, it was even worse. Tuesday, after lunchtime I started to feel awful. Headache and exhaustion came out of nowhere. I went to the classroom where we had the next class and laid my head onto the desk. I was trying to rest a little when suddenly, that friend of his threw his bag (which probably weighed 5-6 kilos at that time) onto the desk right next to me… I can't really explain what it was like, but it was bad, I can tell you that. I said something along the lines of "Are you stupid?!" then tried to hit him which ended in nothing.

Well, to get a summary of all this: the main thing that's bothering me is how the one friend I had for more than 6 years doesn't seem to care about me one bit. In any way. Even though I always tried to be nice to him and help him whenever I could. I always valued our relationship, but now, I stand alone in that big class without anyone I could turn to and without any options...

Robby

Sometimes people grow apart… and sometimes they take for granted what's been there for a long time. Doesn't mean there's any malice or intent behind it, he may just be completely oblivious. (Boys are sometimes.) And sometimes guys just want to hang out with their guy friends for talking of burping and sports. (Or whatever their interests may be.)

Any of those things is a natural part of life, especially if its a switch from childhood to adulthood, with changing interests and whatnot. Growing apart after that long is natural too.

Have you talked to him about it at all, in any way or form?

igetownd

Reminds me of how I am with my friends. I never think about them unless I see them or hear from them. I guess I can be seen as careless and shallow, especially all the smart, witty, intelligent people I've met throughout my life and have gotten along with, done cool things together, and then exchanged contacts. After some time, I don't even think about them for long periods of times, and within these periods, I lose contact.

I kind of worry that I'll merely drift from friend to friend, and never form a lifelong best-buddy-for-life-and-forever. I don't think many people obtain a lifelong friend, but I may be denying reality.

I wonder why I do that. Am I really so self-centered that I feel the world revolves around me?

I may be mildly autistic and exceptionally immature emotionally, but even I feel I could be better. I don't know why I don't change.

I survived the buster call

Ah Nolus. Robby hit it pretty much square on the head–nothing wrong with you, it's just where he is right now. CLueless, and not aware of how his actions, or lack thereof, are affecting you. If you still feel there was any friendship left, you can try talking to him, but if he doesn't respond it's his loss, not yours.

avos

Here's mine: I broke up with my boyfriend so that he can chase me. He didn't. :-(

fedcom

@avos:

Here's mine: I broke up with my boyfriend so that he can chase me. He didn't. :-(

That was a pretty awful thing to do to him, honestly.
But hey an apology is better than nothing right?

Silence

@avos:

Here's mine: I broke up with my boyfriend so that he can chase me. He didn't. :-(

One of my girlfriends did this to me: the result was the same.

I was already having serious misgivings about the relationship and there were mounting miscommunication problems between us. So when she deliberately dumped me to emotionally manipulate me into "chasing her," I wiped my hands of it. She'd underestimated how many problems there were (spoken and unspoken), and had given me a guiltless "way out." That she would dump me to get me to do something was - in my mind - just one more reason why things would not have worked out.

I may have reacted differently now that I'm older – and I'm not judging you -- but hurting someone to get them to pay attention to you doesn't always work out like you think it will.
If he's your guy, and that's the way you want things to stay, you may want to apologize.

Nolus

@RobbyBevard:

Sometimes people grow apart… and sometimes they take for granted what's been there for a long time. Doesn't mean there's any malice or intent behind it, he may just be completely oblivious. (Boys are sometimes.) And sometimes guys just want to hang out with their guy friends for talking of burping and sports. (Or whatever their interests may be.)

Any of those things is a natural part of life, especially if its a switch from childhood to adulthood, with changing interests and whatnot. Growing apart after that long is natural too.

Have you talked to him about it at all, in any way or form?

@I:

Ah Nolus. Robby hit it pretty much square on the head–nothing wrong with you, it's just where he is right now. CLueless, and not aware of how his actions, or lack thereof, are affecting you. If you still feel there was any friendship left, you can try talking to him, but if he doesn't respond it's his loss, not yours.

I understand that he needs a friend who isn't a girl like me even though that friend can be a jerk with me sometimes.

I could accept our parting better if I had other friends at school, but alas, I'm basically alone in there. I can't hang out with the girls so PE class is awkward to me (since boys and girls have other teachers and have the class parted), but if the whole day is like that, I won't make it through this and the last year.
I just don't want to be the only one in class who can't get along with anyone. I need them, even though the surely don't think of me as a friend, more like someone to occasionally hang out with.

I haven't had the courage to talk to him, although, if I think about it, we never really exchanged any serious thoughts. I never told him my problems, my fears, my dreams and he did the same.

Robby

Well Nolus, it IS possible t make new friends. Hard, but doable. Due to moving, different schools or different schedules entirely, I generally ended up falling out of touch or losing a friend every year and having to find someone else to be buddies with the next. (And one bestest friend inexplicably turned into a horrible enemy, I never understood why.)

Wear a Dragonball Z shirt and see if anyone comments on it. Its how I met one of my best friends for life senior year, first day. (Okay, that was 13 years ago so Dragonball is no longer what it was, but still.) Its the friends I met senior year or first year of college that I've kept for a decade, before that it wasn't uncommon to have no one for a while. Its how it goes.

And then those friends have other friends you might get to hang out with.

@Nolus:

I haven't had the courage to talk to him, although, if I think about it, we never really exchanged any serious thoughts. I never told him my problems, my fears, my dreams and he did the same.

Well then, yes, you have to talk to him. If its at all important to you, and it seems to be… you need to talk. People aren't mind readers.

You aren't even asking him to date you, so there's no fear of that particular hurt, awkwardness or rejection. You just want to spend more time with your friend of... 15 years?

Yeah, you need to talk. If you've known him that long there's no reason to be scared.

Nia

@RobbyBevard:

Wear a Dragonball Z shirt and see if anyone comments on it.

I did something similar: I ran around with a One Piece logo pendant on my choker for, uh, three or four years. A couple of customers commented on it while I was at work and - more importantly - one of my fellow students. We never became the bestest of friends simply because we were too similar in the wrong ways and too different where it would have mattered to be alike, but we're still friends. And I'm friends with her friends.

And I agree with Robby that you should talk with him about it, Nolus.
People can be painfully oblivious at times - people of both genders, by the way (I should know; sometimes I wonder if I'm occasionally blind and deaf). It definitely needs to be addressed.

Nolus

@RobbyBevard:

Well then, yes, you have to talk to him. If its at all important to you, and it seems to be… you need to talk. People aren't mind readers.

You aren't even asking him to date you, so there's no fear of that particular hurt, awkwardness or rejection. You just want to spend more time with your friend of... 15 years?

Yeah, you need to talk. If you've known him that long there's no reason to be scared.

@Nia:

And I agree with Robby that you should talk with him about it, Nolus.
People can be painfully oblivious at times - people of both genders, by the way (I should know; sometimes I wonder if I'm occasionally blind and deaf). It definitely needs to be addressed.

That's my main problem. Even if I had known him for so many years, it seems we couldn't get as close as I think we should have. We never had a serious talk.

To be honest, I don't know if I "want" him anymore. I'd like to get out of this school finally and start a new life at a university or somewhere else. It's just that, I still have 1.5 year to go and I'm not sure how it would be without a person who I can at least stick with. I feel there's something wrong with this and that I can't handle it very well.

The only solution may be being with my brother's friends more, like how I did many times (we played Activity, Trackmania, watched Akira and How I met your mother). These were awesome and I felt can be myself among them. They are a tad bit older than me (they're in their early twenties approximately), but in my opinion, it's not a problem.
I'm such an idiot… I should spend some more time with them instead of whining in front of my computer. They accepted me more than any of my classmates could ever.

deep breath

I should really stop being so blind and stupid and whiny.

Thank you! I feel like myself again. Tomorrow will surely be a better day at school.
@RobbyBevard:

Well Nolus, it IS possible t make new friends. Hard, but doable. Due to moving, different schools or different schedules entirely, I generally ended up falling out of touch or losing a friend every year and having to find someone else to be buddies with the next. (And one bestest friend inexplicably turned into a horrible enemy, I never understood why.)

Wear a Dragonball Z shirt and see if anyone comments on it. Its how I met one of my best friends for life senior year, first day. (Okay, that was 13 years ago so Dragonball is no longer what it was, but still.) Its the friends I met senior year or first year of college that I've kept for a decade, before that it wasn't uncommon to have no one for a while. Its how it goes.

And then those friends have other friends you might get to hang out with.

@Nia:

I did something similar: I ran around with a One Piece logo pendant on my choker for, uh, three or four years. A couple of customers commented on it while I was at work and - more importantly - one of my fellow students. We never became the bestest of friends simply because we were too similar in the wrong ways and too different where it would have mattered to be alike, but we're still friends. And I'm friends with her friends.

Now I'm feeling a sudden urge to buy ~~Twilight Sparkle~~ Derpy T-shirt~

Robby

Hey, a conversation starter is a conversation starter.

And girls can actually get away with MLP.

Monkey King

@avos:

Here's mine: I broke up with my boyfriend so that he can chase me. He didn't. :-(

You know how they say modern girls don't tolerate or fall victim to "playa" games anymore?
Well the same is true of modern guys.

Don't play games with people. Even and maybe especially games with people you actually care about.

I may have reacted differently now that I'm older

I am and I'm sure will continue to be less and less tolerant of stuff like that. If it's like high school eh, but to have someone do something like that in an older and more serious stage of your life when relationships are more than killing time and are things you start figuring into your life plan….. can you even imagine that sort of thing?

Robby

If you like someone enough to date them… and especially if you actually love them, care about them, or want them to pay attention to you... why the hell would break up with them, effectively saying "No, I'm not interested anymore."

Playing "hard to get" is the lead up, not the payoff. And even then there better damn well be some flirting and fun in there. And even then I don't really understand that logic to begin with... things are hard enough without playing silly fickle games. I guess I sort of get it in high school, and you're talking about deeper commitment you aren't ready for or sex, but... in the real world? Why would you ever do that? That's just hurtful and... honestly... dumb.

Monkey King

Likely 9th grade girl attacked by bitter scorned 20 something men lol.

But seriously, not cool girl! Learn from this!

Silence

@Monkey:

I am and I'm sure will continue to be less and less tolerant of stuff like that. If it's like high school eh, but to have someone do something like that in an older and more serious stage of your life when relationships are more than killing time and are things you start figuring into your life plan….. can you even imagine that sort of thing?

Well when you put it that way… hell fucking no.

I am past the age of dating girls who play love games.
But if it was someone special I was truly committed to (and in the last case, it definitely wasn't), I'd at least let her know she was tying her own noose.
For all the good it would do her: when you get to that "dump you chase me~" point, it's kind of a done deal.

Monkey King

Seriously. Not even for "how dare you do to this to me!" but for the fact that it would cast serious doubt that she was mature enough to be a good sig other.

Hiroy

Reminds me alot of the last girl I eroded to base of my memory. Everything was always a game for her and everytime I was about to forget her and move on, she'd always find some way to get back into my life again, just to make me more miserable or toy with my feelings. I have grown to really despise such people.

She was the kind of girl that would have a bunch of people wanting her.
She was the kind that would say the nicest things to each and every one of them, just to give them all false hope.
She was the kind that seemed to enjoy watching so many fight for her individual attention.
She was the kind that could never settle down or really knew what she wanted.

I wish I kinda figured this all out from the beginning, instead of being lead on and played. She is a sweet girl, but a little too much for me.

I survived the buster call

@avos:

Here's mine: I broke up with my boyfriend so that he can chase me. He didn't. :-(

I'm sure that was a very painful way to learn that lesson. I'm sorry for that–breaking up can be hard, no matter how old or young you may be. I tend to agree with fedcom--an apology, even if it doesn't get you what you really wanted (Which I assume was to get his interest at a level that will make you feel good about it) is definitely in order.

And as for the advice? Well--I've said it to other people in different ways before, but it always bears repeating. It's darned near impossible to be in a working relationship with someone else until you are ok with who you yourself are. The fact that you were not able to be open and honest with this guy makes it obvious that you need to work a little in this area, since it pretty clearly indicates that you didn't feel like you had the right to say what you wanted up front, but instead had to trick him into it.

There is never anything wrong with asking for what you want--just be prepared for the answer to be no, and to recognize that your wants never trump someone else's. Being part of a couple involves being able to give and take--to recognize where your ego must give way to the other's needs, and when it simply can't, even when you wish it could. You are both equally important in the relationship, but the amount of give and take goes back and forth, almost never is it 50/50. You have to be able to recognize that you will at times be at the lower end of that formula, but your turn will come if the relationship is solid. That is how it works after you build it, but that takes trust, which needs to be built over time, on both sides. And all of this takes maturity and the ability to subvert your pride upon occasion.

So my advice, at this point in time, is for you to take some time to grow, and learn to like yourself, and learn to be able to see yourself as worthy of good stuff and that you can ask for it, even if you need to, and understand that there isn't a limited amount of good stuff, so you can give some to the other person without losing anything yourself (in fact you often grow your own good stuff by giving it away).

When you've learned some of that (and all of that is hard to learn) then do the only thing left to do--try again. You'll have a much better time of it, though again, it'll be hit and miss even then--that is normal, that is human--which is what we all are. Humans who often learn by making mistakes, like you did this time. It definitely wasn't nice--and you no doubt caused a fair amount of pain, but it wasn't murder. Apologize, then recognize your humanity, LEARN from this experience, forgive yourself, and move on.

Good luck.

Silence

@Hiroy:

Reminds me alot of the last girl I eroded to base of my memory. Everything was always a game for her and everytime I was about to forget her and move on, she'd always find some way to get back into my life again, just to make me more miserable or toy with my feelings. I have grown to really despise such people.

She was the kind of girl that would have a bunch of people wanting her.
She was the kind that would say the nicest things to each and every one of them, just to give them all false hope.
She was the kind that seemed to enjoy watching so many fight for her individual attention.
She was the kind that could never settle down or really knew what she wanted.

I wish I kinda figured this all out from the beginning, instead of being lead on and played. She is a sweet girl, but a little too much for me.

Ugh, yeah. I knew a girl like this too. Sure they aren't the same person?

A "tee hee~ so cute and innocent but in a sexy way" gamer/anime girl in an unfulfilled super-long distance relationship with a boy she was "going to" break up with.
An admittedly sweet girl who needed to be reassured of how cute she was on a daily basis because of her low self-esteem.
A girl who cultivated friends she could be emotionally dependent on: …A legion of male friends who all wanted her but she "didn't notice," she just "prefers hanging out with guys!"
A girl who would unfailingly try to rope you into flirting with her but would prettily feign ignorance of the act,
And a girl who at one point, tried to rope me into sharing a bed with her - despite her being taken, and the avowed romantic interest of my good friend.

I met her and after talking with her a bit my WARNING WARNING WARNING alarms went right the fuck off and never stopped for the entire time that I knew her.
Were it not for the fact that one of my best college buds had grown up with her and introduced her to our circle of friends,
I would've gone much farther than telling her, at each pass she made at me, "I know what you're doing: it's not cute."

Nevertheless, she snagged two of my friends in her talons and strung them on anyway.
Getting my best bud, who was in her childhood friendzone in a major way, so completely emotionally ruined that in ten years he still hasn't gotten over her, and is an alcoholic to this day because of his eternal non-relationship with her. Such that I had to force him to hand write a letter cutting off all contact with her and watch him defriend her, delete all of her screennames, and erase her phone number.
Such a girl.

You know the type:
A Man-Seeking Missile.

Hiroy

That's her alright. Without a doubt.

I survived the buster call

This post is deleted!

I survived the buster call

She does sound destructive Silence. Why is it, do you think, that your friends didn't pick up on a Warning signal of their own? (That always makes me curious.)

Monkey King

Funny how that always had the opposite effect on me, instead of drawing me in the first hint of that sort of thing drove me away faster than light.
And no offense to your friends but I always disrespected the guys who would wag their tales so readily for that shit in the first place. More than the girl even, it's like how can you be this dumb or self-disrespecting to go into that?