@Below:
! Well, my stepfather and I always seemed to butt heads. He was a man's man who only seemed to relate to american football and automotive engineering. I was a brat who wanted to do my hair and wear a skirt. We didn't mesh well. Though, to be fair, I used to be such a pain in the butt to deal with (and still am) and I could just as easily be blamed for that.
! My mother? That is one long and complicated can of worms. Suffice it to say that she would not be too accepting of me.
! My stepmother and I don't get along that well and she has a bit of a temper so I'd really rather not see her reaction. And the thought of her reaction frightens me. Which is kind of sad.
! The best choice has always been my father. He just works so hard and is under so much stress that I can't bear to add something else onto his list of things he has to worry about. He's always been there for me and supported me even when I wasn't worth supporting. For all he's done for me, I just can't bring myself to tell him that his first born son is actually his first born daughter. It's such a scary idea.
! It sounds really pathetic but I don't have any close friends. Or many friends at all, really. The closest family member I have is my father, whom I live with, but I barely talk to him or anybody that I live with for that matter. I stay shut in my room most of the time. I'm terribly unhealthy.
! Your dad definitely sounds like a tremendous ray of hope based on what you say of him. It sounds like he loves you pretty strongly regardless of what difficulties you have gone through and he doesn't stop believing in you.
There could be value in considering to share this with him, just … carefully, so that he sees it's not something for him to see as bad news but a realization of how you could live your life happier and better. Parents tend to worry a lot about how one is doing, and I'm sure that if he realizes that this means you won't be as depressed or suffer as much he'd be likely to be supportive. With my dad, I thought he'd disown me if I explained to him my life, but when I did it just made him more interested in being there for me, and more involved as a father over all.
! And for all you know, he might have more stress about not knowing how to be there for you than he would be from knowing exactly what the issue is. It could also happen like it did for my mom where she lives a very complicated and worried life, but when I told her suddenly all other problems kind of just went auto-pilot and she didn't mind them as much since she was focused in learning about what I was going through and thinking about it.
Have you tried testing the waters with your dad? Like, you mention your stepfather gave you crap for the longer hair and the make up thing ... what was his take when you did those things?
! Also, other tips if you start thinking about this: it helps when you explain things to clarify that it's not exactly something you're choosing to do but something you have to do. I went for the angle of "this is what I have to do to feel happy" and it becomes pretty difficult for them to argue against that. Because if to a caring parent the choices are depressed "son" who finds "himself" frustrated in life, or self-fulfilled daughter capable of being strong in light of being herself ... the choice is pretty obvious.
The other thing to make sure to do if you start thinking about it is to emphasize pretty strongly that this is something resulting from your own brain and your own self-perception. The reason I say this is because otherwise, what I've seen and heard, family is very likely to start playing the blame game, in which sometimes without you realizing it they start feeling like it's their fault, or the other parent's fault, or a result of the divorce, or "omg, how could I be such an awful parent and not know this about my son" ("daughter" "right, sorry"). Point is, you want to veer them away from that mentality of it being the result of their parenting or actions.
! All in all you just sound like a very considerate and caring woman and I like to think that didn't just materialize out of thin air and it could come from similar principles from one of your parents. And your dad has come through for you before, I seriously hope and believe his love for you would be stronger than anything else.
@Epoida:
Well, I'm prone to worrying quite a bit. Wanting to help people who aren't doing so well but don't know how, past traumas, what I'm going to do in the future, apprehension about having sex someday, etc. I want to be a mature adult, but all the uncertainties and worries make me feel small. Even in my dreams sometimes I'm about half my height, and people treat me like I'm half my age. I understand what's happening presently is what matter most, but can't help but worry about what happened before, and what might happen later.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
Pretty much this. Thanks Chrissie and Noqanky, and Outerspec as well. :)
Just be aware that everyone has those worries. The way I see it wondering about maturity and the responsibility it involves in itself kind of shows you are more mature than most other people and are ready to assume those responsibilities when life hands them to you.
I have no reservation in believing you'll be a very capable woman … well, already, really. Based on what I've seen of you and what other people tell me, you are refreshingly mature and intelligent. And you look like Nico Robin to boot, and look how cool and mature she is!
And worrying about the future and how to help people ... yea, that's my boat too I guess. I can't offer much advice there since I also find myself with this huge weight all the time because I want to help everyone I can, but the ignorance and pain and hate of the world is stronger than my voice is at the moment. It's hard to fight all of that, and it's definitely my greatest frustration.
What I can say though is that focusing on the day-to-day and the goals you can attain in the near future is a good way to not feel terrified by the overwhelmingly huge idea of having to be productive and successful and grown-up in the future. Focus on the tiny victories you have each day, because not only will it probably help you frame each day in a positive tone and keep worry away from your sleep and dreams, but there's also the fact those tiny victories are the ones that add up and a couple years from now (or in my opinion, pretty much now) you get to look at the mirror and realize you've been a successful, mature woman without realizing it.