@TheCrystalShip:
I was getting so much better. I felt like an entirely new and beautiful person. A blank slate who was ready and eager to explore this beautiful world.
And in some ways, I'm still so much better than I was before. Because I'm still determined not to hurt other people. I don't want to do that anymore.
But keeping it together… Is getting so, so hard.
The dysphoria's back, the sense of helplessness, it's back. I'm relapsing. And I don't want to. For the first time ever, I'm totally conscious of what's happening, and I have a will to stop it. I don't want to be the person I was, ever again. I'm so sorry that so many people here, let alone elsewhere, have had to deal with that person. This may sound strange considering what I just said, but I do have a lot of respect for the person I was. They were so, so strong. Strong enough to keep me in hibernation, to keep me alive and get me this far. But they're not me. That wasn't me. And I don't want to be them anymore.
The problem is, even if I'm restraining myself from hurting people, the feelings that led to those actions are still around, they're coming back. For some reason, I thought that if I kept positive, then everything might get better. And to some extent that's true, positivity breeds more positivity. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life. But it can't solve everything on its own, not for me. So for now, I'm going to hold it together as best I can, while accepting that it's not over. It's not over yet, and it's not going to be over, not for a long time. The best I can do is know that it's going to be over someday. Know that it's already better than it used to be. That I'm better than I used to be. Just because I still have nights like these, when I can't stop the tears, doesn't mean I'm not strong. I am a strong person. Not every day is rainbows for me, like it was yesterday. It doesn't mean I'm not a good, worthwhile person. I am worth happiness. And I'll have it someday.
Take this as an apology, but also as a declaration.
It's not just breeding more positivity… but it's just that life is never really black and white so easily. There is almost never anything that is purely good. But likewise, almost never is there anything that is truly negative. Yet in real life, many people find it easier to pick out the negatives from the positives. They just stick out more, and the media emphasizes it on that principle. So sometimes it's just difficult to see it around you. But it's there.
It's like when Iroh said, "Even in the material world, you will find that if you look for the light, you can often find it. But if you look for the dark, that is all you will ever see."
or something like that.
@Louis-1988:
Long story short I pushed things a little too quickly despite her wishes to explore our relationship at a more relaxed pace. I understand why she felt she had to call things off at the time, but I still wish I had a second chance to prove to her I'd be more attentive the second time around. We still keep up with a casual correspondence, but I feel that her romantic interest in me by now has dwindled to less than zero; yet for some reason I still can't give up hope even though I know better. Staying quiet is near torturous at times, but I'm afraid that if I pour my heart out again I might risk losing her friendship entirely. I should be content with friendship, but I just can't seem to divorce myself from those unresolved feelings. It's quite the quandary.
That is a shame, but that is a learning experience I suppose. Relationship requires two to tango, and for some people, their break point for the dance may be a bit short. In the end, this may end up being something to bring to your next one. I know right now you might feel a bit sour and bitter that it's over, but before you make any rash moves, it may be for the better to breathe a bit and think things over. Maybe she is someone worth fighting for, idk you two in real life. But what I can definitely say is that, so that you don't do anything you may regret, breathe a little bit first.