Feels kind of awkward posting this here, but I couldn't really find a more appropriate place to put this and I really feel like I need some help. If this is in the wrong place, please move it.
Anyways, I have a social problem of sorts that's been plaguing me for quite a number of years. I've been managing to get by with it until now, but as a student attending university and as a teenager approaching adulthood, I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to keep this up. Even if I don't get any help here, just being able to vent is nice.
I'm going to need to give some context first so my problem will make sense.
From what I understand, in my early childhood I was a normal enough kid with a healthy social life. It seems I had a few problems that were apparent enough even then, but on the whole I was ok.
As it so happens, around the time I started going to the equivalent of middle school here, it became increasingly apparent to me that I kind of…stuck out. Not in a particularly good way I might add.
To summarize what happened around that time, I ended up making lots of mistakes, becoming the class clown and digging myself into a social pothole that was pretty deep: I had social acquaintances and I don't think my classmates hated me so much as they couldn't really take me seriously (although this is pretty bad by itself IMO), but I didn't really have any close friends or anyone who I just plain felt that comfortable being around.
I came to terms with it around the end of 7th grade and thought I'd probably be fine by myself (under the rationale most people sucked anyway)...and then I ended up meeting a certain girl I became attached to during pretty much all of 8th grade. Due to my past experiences, I felt awkward trying to approach her and pretty much fucked up everything. I don't think I had a chance from the start.
Usually when you're in the blues due to bitch problems (or problems in general really), you usually drown it out with the company of your friends...problem was, I didn't really have any. I realized how alone I really was. I spent most of that year very depressed and feeling like shit about myself.
I managed to find an escape though: the internet. Around that year I started frequenting online forums and other such communities. I found that it was much easier for me to socialize this way, as I could express myself better and it was easy to find people with similar interests and ideas to my own, so I finally had someone to talk to about that awesome new band or anime I had just found, whereas if I tried to do that in real life people would just stare at me and be like "what the fuck is this guy talking about?"
I've since then managed to form quite the list of contacts. Made lots of friends, who I talk to pretty much every day. I like them a whole lot and I'm very glad I had the chance to speak with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with this in particular, but the thing is that this social structure I've put myself into means I subconsciously give priority to the wrong things.
What do I mean by this? I feel apathetic towards many things. I don't feel very motivated to do well academically. Rationally I know that concern for my future should be motivation enough, but subjectively it doesn't really work. Generally speaking I just don't feel very attached to the "real world". The highlights of my days are things like chatting with my friends on skype and laughing at our bad jokes, or doing something more solitary like drawing or playing a videogame, and by definition these are things used to escape the real world.
I also feel like it's undermining my independence: since I spend most of my time at home, there's usually no need for me to know really basic things like my cell phone number or what bus takes me where. I had a feeble grasp of my city's geography until very recently. I feel like a kid who isn't ready for the real world.
I realize that in part my lack of responsibility is due to my own laziness and immaturity (which are problems of their own), but I can't help but think I'd feel more motivated if I had more of an IRL social circle, people I could go out drinking with or be able to vent to. Just a few friends would make me feel a whole lot better.
The problem is getting some.
You see, I've lived a solitary and socially reclusive lifestyle for so long, trying to engage in what appears to be normal social conduct just feels...wrong. I noticed that when someone is inserted into a new social environment like university or a job working somewhere, usually their first instinct is to try and reach out to others, make small talk, and this leads to discovering common interests and making friends and so and so forth.
This is something that just does not come naturally to me at all. Not anymore. Trying to approach a stranger just makes feel terribly inadequate. Like I'm trying to fit a square peg into a circular hole. Starting a conversation and keeping it alive are hard. Talking about things like my interests (anime, videogames, "hipster" music, etc) makes me feel weird because I'm pre-inclined to think the person will find them silly. Even when I find someone that has a common interest with me I find it difficult to talk to them about it. It's like the only way I can feel comfortable expressing myself is through a computer screen.
To parapharse the issue: I feel lonely and socially inadequate and the fact that my only close friends are on the internet means I'm neglecting my IRL responsibilities and just generally not living life to its fullest.
What can I do?
)
