@Holy:
Big lame roundup of FEELINGS
My week has been rough. My brother and I have slowly been escalating on the Relationship Turmoil front and things have been pretty rough for me. Probably also him.
I've had to admit to some form of emotional incest, he's admitted to legitimately snubbing me so I'd be left alone as "punishment" for not having friends, and in general we started verbally getting very angry at each other.
Last night it culminated in a big fistfight and my nose hurts like hell still and my right eye has actually become straight up Black Eye. But I think we got everything out of our system. Primally, but I think I feel a lot better now. I think he does too.
I don't know where it goes from here, but I just know I've lost my best only real friend and I've got to come out of life and get used to not being "two people". It's hard, I still feel a lot of loss, like somebody ripped out half of me. But I do know it's the healthier thing so I can't be too torn up about it.
We are still friends though. At least now. But we're not the same kind of best friends we used to be, where it was just us vs them and nobody else in the world got us because we were closed off in our own bubble. It felt stable, but I know it was insanely unhealthy. I think a lot of identical twins go through it. I feel kind of lonely now actually. But I know it had to be done.
(My last post got bleeped out of existence so now I have to retype all of this. I am not very happy about this and if this post is lacking in impact then I'm damn sorry. I fucking hate this computer.)
Hmm, I doubt I can tell you something big and profound like Zephos can but at the very least, I can share my own experiences with you and how I was able to cope with them. Though I wonder what would be a better example…
My cousin and I used to fight all the time but at the end of it we'd always reset and be brothers again. During this time period we used to be very close and shared all kinds of things together. However, and to my distress, he was always made to feel inferior to me by the rest of the family and this always used to lead him to look upon me with disgust. All I ever wanted was for us to just have a normal relationship but it wasn't possible given the way he was made to feel.
For the longest time he would try to surpass me in various aspects and started working out a lot and seeking praise from the rest of our family. I always felt bad because I didn't even believe myself to be superior to him in anything. But he became obsessed with me and even developed a sort of love/hate relationship with me. On the one hand, he believed our family's words and looked upon me with respect as this sort of unattainable goal but on the other, he was frustrated. He had it set in his mind that he had to surpass me to be something of his own, like he needed me to drive his goals.
Eventually, it came down to him punching me in the head and giving me the permanent scar that's above my right eye. I would have pounded his own face in at that moment if not for his mom coming in; I didn't want to kick his ass in front of his own mom, she didn't deserve to see that. And it was very strange too, the wound itself didn't hurt at all but I was still in pain. We had this sort of unspoken pact that we'd never hit each other in the head and I was overflowing with disappointment. Afterwards, he seemed to lose interest in me. (Though he was ashamed and we are still friends.)
I think it was because when he punched me, he realized just how obsessed he was and reflected upon himself. Now he's off doing his own things and we barely talk any more. It depresses me because all I've ever wanted is for us to just have a normal relationship but because of how it was set up, he's going to keep his distance from now on and live his own life. Though honestly, I'm independent enough at this venture that it doesn't really hurt.
What did kill me was my ex. She had become a part of my very soul. Despite the constant fluctuations between extraordinary bliss and nauseating depression, she drove all my actions and gave me an incentive to grow and become more than what I was. But when she left me for good, it ripped me apart. I started to become desperate and impulsive, something I usually am not. I fell into depression and started questioning everything in my life (my goals, my relationships, my worth) and saw that they were all worthless. I'm not one for self-gratification, I need to share in my triumphs with someone. I needed a person by my side to truly appreciate all that I had and to drive me to achieve more.
So at the least, you're on the right path by looking back and thinking it was for the best. It took me a lot of time and thinking before I was able to pull myself above that point where I thought it was better this way and I should pursue these goals for myself. To fill the void, I did begin pursuing it all again. But more than that I asked myself questions such as what I had to look forward to along the way. What can I expect to happen on this path to my end goals? What doors will open? What experiences will I gain?
Whatever goals you have in and of themselves, aren't the least of which you'll experience in pursuit of them. Because the goals are part of life and the journey of life is what fills the void and makes those goals worth pursuing. There's certainly happiness in seeing what extraneous details there are in your pursuit. Though if you're looking for more immediate alleviation then just talk to your friends, walk and reflect, and don't allow yourself to be consumed by depression.
There are many ways to fill the void but no single way is going to fill it entirely. It takes exploration and examination. Or at least, that's what helps me. I don't know you well enough to tell you what you should be doing but I can at least gather that you're intelligent enough that you can figure it out for yourself.
Still, even if what all I said was dribble and none of this sticks with you, I'll at least say that I'm confident you'll become, not just an individual all your own, but one that rises above the majority of us. Because your presence here is something to aspire to. So then you should at least look and be proud.