Another thing is, she's one of those 'nice' girls, who tell you "we'll see" or "maybe next week", when they really mean 'I'm not interested". It's so damn frustrating.:sad: Would it kill her to be upfront about her lack of feelings.
Confession Session II
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Sometimes we don't want to reject a people directly because we are too damn afraid to hurt them. I've been on both side of the equations and what i can tell you is that infatuation doesn't mean that the crush has any obligation towards the one in love :/ It's hard to understand and it sounds really mean but it's true. The thing is, if it's been as long as you've said it's gonna hurt like a bitch regardless of what happens.
Should you do it? I guess, at the end i think it isn't really important cause what you have to reason is that you were the one that got the crush and it will be you that will get you out of it. So i think a long, calm chat with yourself is what's needed (Gonna hurt like a bitch, too).
But hey, if you need a drinking buddy to responsably get wasted for the heartbreak you can call me (i'm limited towards drinking choices tho).
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Sometimes we don't want to reject a people directly because we are too damn afraid to hurt them. I've been on both side of the equations and what i can tell you is that infatuation doesn't mean that the crush has any obligation towards the one in love :/ It's hard to understand and it sounds really mean but it's true. The thing is, if it's been as long as you've said it's gonna hurt like a bitch regardless of what happens.
I never said the one I'm infatuated with has any obligation to me; all I ask is that person be blunt with me that they're not interested. I'm a black and white person and when someone is not being direct, it ticks me off. Does anyone really want to be put in a cruel position where all the infatuated person can do is live I false hope that their crush likes them, when in reality they're just trying to 'let them off easy'; it torture I tell you. To be frank I'm already going through the heartbreak: I'm pretty aware she doesn't have feelings for me, and it's a bitch.
Should you do it? I guess, at the end i think it isn't really important cause what you have to reason is that you were the one that got the crush and it will be you that will get you out of it. So i think a long, calm chat with yourself is what's needed (Gonna hurt like a bitch, too).
But hey, if you need a drinking buddy to responsably get wasted for the heartbreak you can call me (i'm limited towards drinking choices tho).
I'd rather the hurtin' start sooner than later. At least then I would be over it sooner. Talking to oneself about an infatuation just get you more fired up about it.
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Well, I had recently to scold my roomate because he's two months late with the rent, it was awkward as hell, he explained that he got a new job, and he'll pay asap, and he's retreated into "hamster mode" where he barely leaves his room.
The point is, that if you don't like this person, just try to be direct but non confrontational, be clear about the issue (if it's a complain that you agree as well, say so), or just ask her to "improve" in the thing that is the issue before revealing the issue itself, like if the problem is punctuality, set up meetings early in the morning a few days in a row, so if she takes the hint, good, and if she blows up, you have the upper hand that she became agresive without actual provocation.
She is not a bad person, she does not care/like to work in the museum and makes a lot of mistakes in her job.
I was thinking about this and I come to a conclusion that I should use my uncle´s tip to deal with bullying at school (of course, I have to emulate this tip to a work place).
1° step: Scold the person and give a tip on how to improve.
2° step: Scold the person again, give another tip and say is the last time.
Final step: Drastic measures, -
I've been thinking about it for a long time and it's been sort of subconciously bugging me for the past few years of my life. Just last year, one of my friends got killed a couple of blocks away from his home, because some gangmembers thought he was an ''opp'' and he was just shot in the back of the head in the middle of the street. Since I graduated highschool, 10 of my former schoolmates, some of whom were my close friends have been killed in gang violence, some of whom were involved while others were just unlucky passers by. Most of my childhood friends are never going to make it in life and will most likely die a violent death.
In the past couple of months I've noticed an increasing disconcern for this issue in my own community and on the internet. And partially, I would blame people on the internet and the news who look at the police brutality situations and just repeat the mantra ''what about black on black crime?''. And this put me in an incredibly awkward situation, because I sincerely believe that our community is suffering the most from all this mindboggling ignorance and senseless violence that essentially nobody in the world care about and racists will use as another reason to fuel their prejudice. And I also feel alot of the things being said about how police officers treat black males, downright putting disregard for some people's rights. Essentially anybody who says that we have problems or point out flaws in the arguments about police brutality is just pelted with ''uncle Tom!'', ''Coon!'', ''sell-out!'', ''jiggaboo!'' etc. Even in the hip-hop world, there are people here essentially typing ''anybody black who likes Eminem is a coon''.
And I'm sort of standing in the middle of all these racial tension as somebody who has never judged anyone based on their race or ethnicity and just feel more and more despair over a situation that never seem to solve itself. It's downright scary how many black and white people who hold so intensely prejudice views that I've never witnessed in my whole life. I dunno, maybe I just need to disinterest myself from all this drama about Ferguson and white rappers and gang violence to feel better about the world. But honestly, it feels difficult, because over 300 black males were killed in my city alone last year. And I'm just downright scared that I'm going to be next and I sort off feel that if you're gonna chant ''black lives matter'' that means all lives matter, and not just black males who are killed by police. Maybe this sounded preachy, but I'm just trying to reach out here, I'm a quite unstable person when I'm put through alot off stress and I really want my people to have a prospering future after all we've been put through.
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…....
This is an incredibly complex problem with no easy answer. At this stage, unfortunately, it's life. I read your entire post and tried really hard to formulate some kind of an answer or at least some kind of direction towards an answer but… there just isn't one. It's life. It's unfair. It's frightening and it seems like it's impossible to overcome.
But despite that there are people that are making strides against the mentalities that you've talked about. There are plenty of people now, more than I've ever seen before, taking a stand against these mentalities. Against the injustices of discrimination, the fallibility of profiling and the very mentalities that perpetuate them. Is that to say it's working? Obviously it's only making isolated progress. But it is there and it is spreading. And right now, these stands and these commitments to becoming counter-culture to the current status quo is all we have going for us right now if we want to see a truly equal public.
Maybe there's something else, maybe there's something I'm missing. I don't know. I'm not well-versed enough in these issues in order to offer something substantive for you to hold on to. But I would definitely like you to know that these seemingly pervasive discriminations are not reflective of how every individual feels. I could talk about New Orleans where I live nearby or the line blurring in my own life being raised in a Spanish household and baptized through a "black" church while I, myself, am white. But to be frank, what good would it do? I'm of the same mind as you are. That we are people.
That's the mentality that needs to become more pervasive. And the only thing we can really do to help that movement is perpetuate it for ourselves. Be brothers and sisters to one another and try to resolve these problems with clear eyes. All we can do is try, one person at a time, to change perspectives from not being able to see logic to simply not being able to see color.
And I won't lie, people's heads are hard as fuck. Their prejudices are thicker than their freaking skulls. That's why you need words strong enough to bash their heads in. Pointblank logic, shit that will really fuck with them. It's all any of us can do. Become more educated on the situations all over, what makes them each unique and what could potentially be done to resolve it.
To be honest it's been messing with me for a few years too.
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It happened again.
A guy added me on Facebook and messaged me, only this one talked to me like I was a human being at first which is refreshing. Anyway, after chatting for a bit, he asked if I wanted to play a "sexy game". Red flags already started up so I told him no, I had to go to work. Then he started demanding nude photos….. WHEN I TOLD HIM "No" he replied "Shut, why am i talking to you then?" I assume shut was his phone autocorrecting "shit".
I couldn't reply at that point so I assume he blocked me.
For not sharing nudes with him, a guy I had LITERALLY JUST MET!!!
WHY DO I SO RAMPANTLY ATTRACT CREEPERS?!
This is starting to really depress me....
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Man.. I don't remember Facebook being that weird at all.
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Yea, I know guys are assholes like this on dating sites, but on facebook? What is wrong with people?
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…
What TBlend said. Also, see The Interrupters .
The issues are big and comlplex but the hope to fix them are always there, and people will always move forward when there is hope.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
Yea, I know guys are assholes like this on dating sites, but on facebook? What is wrong with people?
Assholes like that act the same everywhere. It's the unfortunate side effect of being an unbearable asshole.
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Facebook is still a little more "personal" than a dating site though. People tend to at least have some family and friends on there that might find out about their behavior.
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@Galaxy:
Facebook is still a little more "personal" than a dating site though. People tend to at least have some family and friends on there that might find out about their behavior.
Assholes can be very uncaring, selfish, and stupid mind you.
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=thoughtful post=
As much as you are struggling with this, I have to say that it is nice to hear that there are other people who have a hard time knowing where to stand on all this. Admittedly, I am pretty far removed from the black community but the way things have been, it's impossible to avoid wondering what can be done and how to convey that message. It seems like the range of views we can hold is severely limited by the fear of being labeled or betraying those that need our support. Discussing the fears that you have about the gang violence in your neighborhood would be seen as divisive and damaging to the cause of people seeking to end the racial injustices of the police, but in a time when solidarity and cooperation is needed can these issues really be ignored?
For me, I really want to see things change and do what I can to help that happen, but should I in my inexperience be speaking out when it is time for those who are personally affected to have their say? Or conversely, will silence be seen as complacency? It's impossible to know so I've kept my mouth shut and continued to mull it over.
I think "black lives matter" is important though, because all lives mattering is a given and yet it just doesn't seem to be acknowledged by certain groups. Resolving conflicts requires a certain amount of focus and, in the context, this mantra makes sense, but as you say it needs to be taken to heart by all and not just brandished against opponents. Maybe the solutions do exist outside of the narrow focus that has been set, but things are so polarized that everything else seems like a derailment.
In the end, I think we can only do our best to be the change we want to see. If we want to see violence end, we have to stop being violent. If we want to see prejudice end, we have to stop being prejudiced. I don't think the issue can really be dumbed down to just a single enemy or bad policy even though I'm glad at least some measures are being taken to make people take responsibility. Sorry for responding on something that I myself am so confused about, especially since you don't exactly have the same luxury of seeming so detached.
=Upsetting post=
I'm sorry, that is really a shame. Being friendly and open creates opportunities for meeting great people, and unfortunately also leaves you vulnerable to this kind of thing… So how do you repel these sorts without looking like a complete bitch? Beats me, but I definitely treat communication from random guys with a lot of caution and try not to get my hopes up.
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I think "black lives matter" is important though, because all lives mattering is a given and yet it just doesn't seem to be acknowledged by certain groups. Resolving conflicts requires a certain amount of focus and, in the context, this mantra makes sense, but as you say it needs to be taken to heart by all and not just brandished against opponents. Maybe the solutions do exist outside of the narrow focus that has been set, but things are so polarized that everything else seems like a derailment.
Indeed. It's difficult to deal with the issue, because most people really try to narrow it down into individual cases and make them seem like they are the rule rather than the exception. Even if every case has to be examined individually ( Eric Garner, Mike Brown, the shooting in Jersey etc ) to some extent, it is still held in a much wider discussion that involve the police mentality toward the urban community, police violence in general, unfairness in the justice system and all the variables that lead to prejudice toward african americans ( which is largely predicated on black on black crime and gang violence), which in turn is held in a deeper convo of how the police operate and how their profile ( regardless of race). So whenever you try to point out that somebody's wholebody analysis of the situation isn't really warranted, it will create a vitriol of confusion because of all the issues that people will ever so often include in the discussion on their own wims. I.E, it's so complex that basically all discussions feel like contradictions.
But since you live in Maryland, I figure you are pretty proximate to Baltimore, which has it's history off gang problem and violent crime if I'm not mistaken?
What TBlend said. Also, see The Interrupters .
The issues are big and comlplex but the hope to fix them are always there, and people will always move forward when there is hope.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
Assholes like that act the same everywhere. It's the unfortunate side effect of being an unbearable asshole.
I've seen that documentary, it's absolutely tearjerking, horrible and unfortunately takes place in my city, not very far away from me. I know better than to go there for any reason whatsoever. Ameena Matthews is the daughter of Jeff Ford, founder of the P.stones who many of my relatives are tied to.
]–----
Damn dude, that's a very interesting story. Raised spanish and baptized in a black church and being white. I'm sort of interested in how that went about, if you have an asian girlfriend, your lines are so blurry they are essentially gone lol. No but seriously, really good comment. I've tried my best to be polite when engaging in discussions about these issues with friends, co-workers and family, but it's hard to convince anybody off anything these days. My mixed co-worker base come with the most interesting perspective, even if some of them are semi-yuppies from Northern Chicago and the Illiburbs. It's just hard to straighten out any issues that we may have disagreements on, because people are very careful with stepping on eachother's toes.
All in all, thank you all for good and encouraging comments. It feels nice to see that there are other people on the same page as me, regardless how rare it is to see people really coming with good points on these issues, your perspectives are very much welcome, regardless of who you are.
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! I feel just so dead and hollow on the inside. I remember a couple of months ago all I could do was just cry and feel worthless, but this goes beyond even that. I just look on my life and the world with apathy at best. It's not acceptance so much as it is resignation. I've given up hope for everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything that aren't negative emotions anymore. I remember I was laughing pretty hard during a class activity, but then a few minutes later I was just sitting down feeling melancholy and disconnected while everyone around me was chatting and having fun together. When I look back and talk about my past issues to my therapist, it's with a dull monotone. I can talk about violent arguments I witnessed that frightened my child self with no more interest than watching paint dry. Perhaps the only thing I really do feel is contempt for this world and everybody living in it. I know it's not true, but my experiences have left me bitter and cynical to the point that I believe all humans are evil and have only selfish motives.
! Long story short, I had bad experiences with fair weather "friends" and bullies thanks to being that kid, which pretty much destroyed any chance of a social life as well as crippled what meager social skills I had. Then there was the nightmare that was my family, even if for many years I couldn't recognize the abuse and trauma. That left my sister as the only confidant I ever had, and still do up to a certain point. But despite going through nearly the exact same things, she somehow managed to become a "survivor" as everyone loves insistently calling abuse victims, with a job, a close knit group of friends, and a stable relationship with an understanding boyfriend to top it all off. I became a social recluse and somehow just like my parents, in the sense that if some poor soul ever got close to me, I would probably terrorize and emotionally manipulate/abuse them just like my parents did to me. No matter how I look at the situation, I don't understand why my sister got through while I just floundered about. All I can think is that if she was born with the qualities to get through the situation in as healthy a manner as possible, then I was born with the qualities to become a terrible person just like my parents. I guess I was just born defective; under the right circumstances I could become a horrible person, someone to reviled and declared wrong by society. Maybe if I had grown up with a different family I could be different, but I doubt it.
! I only have my sister and therapist to talk to, but I feel even they aren't listening to me. When I talk to my sister about my troubles, I always feel a sort of tension around her, like she's saying, "I don't want to hear your whining again." She does let me rant, but I always feel guilty for putting her through something she doesn't want to relive. And she gives me the same advice my therapist does, "don't give up" or "it doesn't have to be this way." Blah blah blah. Maybe they mean well and I can't just see it, but every time someone throws a positive saying in response to my venting, it really feels like I got slapped for opening up to another person. Not only is that advice completely worthless to me, but it shows they aren't actually listening. I don't want to be told to cheer up or have my beliefs validated; I just wanted someone to listen to me and let me vent all that crap I bottled up for years. But I can't do that when I'm being interrupted every so often to be told thinking negatively is wrong.
! I don't even know why I'm here ranting when I've come to expect either positive quotes told to me, or be decried as a bitter asshole of an attention whore who just loves making everyone miserable. I'm just so tired of slogging through life. Every day it's the same; get up, try to stagger through the day in misery so that I can go home and just sit around in more misery, then sleep. I can't feel any sense of fulfillment or joy in anything I do, and my anti-depressants can't help there since the're slowly failing as my depression worsens. Everyone actively avoids me and I'm too terrified to approach them, I hate what I'm studying, and I have no real plans for the future. I don't see any point in living anymore, and I've just given all hope for a better life. The only reason why I haven't killed myself already is because I'm too scared of what will happen after I die. I hope one day the burden of living becomes too much to handle so that I can find the strength and will to do what I should have done years ago and end my suffering. Maybe all I'm doing now is just living, waiting until that day comes at last. I don't want to die, and I don't want to live like this, but I can't see any other way out. -
Sorry to be back again so soon, but I don't know where else to go.
! I just feel so selfish and useless. My father has a court date today that I feel wholly responsible for and the only thing that I can manage to do is lie in bed like a pathetic pile of garbage and sulk about myself. I'm terrified. I'm scared that I may not see him again. I'm scared that he doesn't know how much that I love him. And yet, here I am, whining about poor, worthless me.
! I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that I always have to make everything about myself. I can't stand the fact that I run away from every problem that I face. I can't stand the fact that I can't tell if I'm upset because of a traumatic event or because of another spontaneous bout of depression. I can't stand the fact that I can't manage to relate to a single, solitary human being on this Earth.
! My father has worked so hard for me and all that I've given him is a lazy, unemployed, talent-less, selectively mute child who seems to connect with cartoon characters more than actual, living people. -
I've seen that documentary, it's absolutely tearjerking, horrible and unfortunately takes place in my city, not very far away from me. I know better than to go there for any reason whatsoever. Ameena Matthews is the daughter of Jeff Ford, founder of the P.stones who many of my relatives are tied to.
Yeah, it's all of that but I also found it rather uplifting and inspiring to see former gang members, like Ameena Matthews, turn their lives around and try to prevent violence one situation at time. It's a long process with a small impact but if it isn't the little things that count then nothing does. That little impact may not seem all too important on the larger scale but that little impact just saved a kid, a young man, a daughter, a wife, a husband, or a family. There are people out there making a positive difference and like you I too want to make that positive difference even if it only comes from my own behavior as an example to others who are younger than me or who come from me (i.e. my future family).
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! Perhaps the only thing I really do feel is contempt for this world and everybody living in it. I know it's not true, but my experiences have left me bitter and cynical to the point that I believe all humans are evil and have only selfish motives.
! You know what? I kinda agree with this. Especially about selfish motives, I believe everyone is more or less selfish. And if not every, many people have negative and dark sides. But imho it's all about finding someone, whose demons play with yours (kinda cliche too maybe). I like the world this way, with many kinds of emotions and traits mixed up. At points I have thought that when I show kindness, it is just to assure myself that I am not too selfish and I am "good". Though at this point I have realised that I love some people too much and that I can love genuinely, even though I don't give a damn about many many many others :3
I don't even know why I'm here ranting when I've come to expect either positive quotes told to me
! I won't claim that I actually listened or understood you, especially with that short reply of mine xD I just wanted to point out the part that made me think: "Oh yeah, even if it's like that… so what?"
or be decried as a bitter asshole of an attention whore who just loves making everyone miserable.
! Nor I think talking about your problems, and that important stuff too, should be considered as being attention whore.. by anyone.
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! I feel just so dead and hollow on the inside. I remember a couple of months ago all I could do was just cry and feel worthless, but this goes beyond even that. I just look on my life and the world with apathy at best. It's not acceptance so much as it is resignation. I've given up hope for everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything that aren't negative emotions anymore. I remember I was laughing pretty hard during a class activity, but then a few minutes later I was just sitting down feeling melancholy and disconnected while everyone around me was chatting and having fun together. When I look back and talk about my past issues to my therapist, it's with a dull monotone. I can talk about violent arguments I witnessed that frightened my child self with no more interest than watching paint dry. Perhaps the only thing I really do feel is contempt for this world and everybody living in it. I know it's not true, but my experiences have left me bitter and cynical to the point that I believe all humans are evil and have only selfish motives.
! Long story short, I had bad experiences with fair weather "friends" and bullies thanks to being that kid, which pretty much destroyed any chance of a social life as well as crippled what meager social skills I had. Then there was the nightmare that was my family, even if for many years I couldn't recognize the abuse and trauma. That left my sister as the only confidant I ever had, and still do up to a certain point. But despite going through nearly the exact same things, she somehow managed to become a "survivor" as everyone loves insistently calling abuse victims, with a job, a close knit group of friends, and a stable relationship with an understanding boyfriend to top it all off. I became a social recluse and somehow just like my parents, in the sense that if some poor soul ever got close to me, I would probably terrorize and emotionally manipulate/abuse them just like my parents did to me. No matter how I look at the situation, I don't understand why my sister got through while I just floundered about. All I can think is that if she was born with the qualities to get through the situation in as healthy a manner as possible, then I was born with the qualities to become a terrible person just like my parents. I guess I was just born defective; under the right circumstances I could become a horrible person, someone to reviled and declared wrong by society. Maybe if I had grown up with a different family I could be different, but I doubt it.
! I only have my sister and therapist to talk to, but I feel even they aren't listening to me. When I talk to my sister about my troubles, I always feel a sort of tension around her, like she's saying, "I don't want to hear your whining again." She does let me rant, but I always feel guilty for putting her through something she doesn't want to relive. And she gives me the same advice my therapist does, "don't give up" or "it doesn't have to be this way." Blah blah blah. Maybe they mean well and I can't just see it, but every time someone throws a positive saying in response to my venting, it really feels like I got slapped for opening up to another person. Not only is that advice completely worthless to me, but it shows they aren't actually listening. I don't want to be told to cheer up or have my beliefs validated; I just wanted someone to listen to me and let me vent all that crap I bottled up for years. But I can't do that when I'm being interrupted every so often to be told thinking negatively is wrong.
! I don't even know why I'm here ranting when I've come to expect either positive quotes told to me, or be decried as a bitter asshole of an attention whore who just loves making everyone miserable. I'm just so tired of slogging through life. Every day it's the same; get up, try to stagger through the day in misery so that I can go home and just sit around in more misery, then sleep. I can't feel any sense of fulfillment or joy in anything I do, and my anti-depressants can't help there since the're slowly failing as my depression worsens. Everyone actively avoids me and I'm too terrified to approach them, I hate what I'm studying, and I have no real plans for the future. I don't see any point in living anymore, and I've just given all hope for a better life. The only reason why I haven't killed myself already is because I'm too scared of what will happen after I die. I hope one day the burden of living becomes too much to handle so that I can find the strength and will to do what I should have done years ago and end my suffering. Maybe all I'm doing now is just living, waiting until that day comes at last. I don't want to die, and I don't want to live like this, but I can't see any other way out.! I'm not here to tell you not to give up. I can ask you not to give up, but that is different matter.
You are doing things your way. your way of dealing with your problems is good for you. This does not guarantee successfully overcoming your problem, but lets face it - nothing in this world guarantees success.
I can tell you one thing about your sister - she seems to be able build her world around herself, but that doesn't mean, that she is equally successful with building things inside herself. Yet 1) from the outside she seems like fully functional human being, 2) she has support system outside.
You don't have this, but that doesn't mean you are in inherently worse situation than her. Yet you look at her and see the things you lack and you are sure you have it worse.
Inside you are a process. Endless destruction and endless construction. It may not seem like it, but you are changing. This is inevitable. If you are skillful person you can direct those changes in directions you like. You are probably good at this, you just don't know yet. You will only find out when you try, and than after some time look back and see how much progress you've made.
The big problem for you is that you can't live or build outside world very well and this isn't a barrier you can cross by yourself. You need luck to to ever find people, who would help you with it. They may or may not come along, although it seems that they usually come along if you are willing to wait long enough.
Sorry for being really hazy, and it's likely you don't find, what I said very helpful, you either probably already know that or you can't connect that to your life. But I have one question for you. If you hate what you study, and you don't see any future for yourself either way, why won't you drop it and study something fun? -
! I feel just so dead and hollow on the inside. I remember a couple of months ago all I could do was just cry and feel worthless, but this goes beyond even that. I just look on my life and the world with apathy at best. It's not acceptance so much as it is resignation. I've given up hope for everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything that aren't negative emotions anymore. I remember I was laughing pretty hard during a class activity, but then a few minutes later I was just sitting down feeling melancholy and disconnected while everyone around me was chatting and having fun together. When I look back and talk about my past issues to my therapist, it's with a dull monotone. I can talk about violent arguments I witnessed that frightened my child self with no more interest than watching paint dry. Perhaps the only thing I really do feel is contempt for this world and everybody living in it. I know it's not true, but my experiences have left me bitter and cynical to the point that I believe all humans are evil and have only selfish motives.
! Long story short, I had bad experiences with fair weather "friends" and bullies thanks to being that kid, which pretty much destroyed any chance of a social life as well as crippled what meager social skills I had. Then there was the nightmare that was my family, even if for many years I couldn't recognize the abuse and trauma. That left my sister as the only confidant I ever had, and still do up to a certain point. But despite going through nearly the exact same things, she somehow managed to become a "survivor" as everyone loves insistently calling abuse victims, with a job, a close knit group of friends, and a stable relationship with an understanding boyfriend to top it all off. I became a social recluse and somehow just like my parents, in the sense that if some poor soul ever got close to me, I would probably terrorize and emotionally manipulate/abuse them just like my parents did to me. No matter how I look at the situation, I don't understand why my sister got through while I just floundered about. All I can think is that if she was born with the qualities to get through the situation in as healthy a manner as possible, then I was born with the qualities to become a terrible person just like my parents. I guess I was just born defective; under the right circumstances I could become a horrible person, someone to reviled and declared wrong by society. Maybe if I had grown up with a different family I could be different, but I doubt it.
! I only have my sister and therapist to talk to, but I feel even they aren't listening to me. When I talk to my sister about my troubles, I always feel a sort of tension around her, like she's saying, "I don't want to hear your whining again." She does let me rant, but I always feel guilty for putting her through something she doesn't want to relive. And she gives me the same advice my therapist does, "don't give up" or "it doesn't have to be this way." Blah blah blah. Maybe they mean well and I can't just see it, but every time someone throws a positive saying in response to my venting, it really feels like I got slapped for opening up to another person. Not only is that advice completely worthless to me, but it shows they aren't actually listening. I don't want to be told to cheer up or have my beliefs validated; I just wanted someone to listen to me and let me vent all that crap I bottled up for years. But I can't do that when I'm being interrupted every so often to be told thinking negatively is wrong.
! I don't even know why I'm here ranting when I've come to expect either positive quotes told to me, or be decried as a bitter asshole of an attention whore who just loves making everyone miserable. I'm just so tired of slogging through life. Every day it's the same; get up, try to stagger through the day in misery so that I can go home and just sit around in more misery, then sleep. I can't feel any sense of fulfillment or joy in anything I do, and my anti-depressants can't help there since the're slowly failing as my depression worsens. Everyone actively avoids me and I'm too terrified to approach them, I hate what I'm studying, and I have no real plans for the future. I don't see any point in living anymore, and I've just given all hope for a better life. The only reason why I haven't killed myself already is because I'm too scared of what will happen after I die. I hope one day the burden of living becomes too much to handle so that I can find the strength and will to do what I should have done years ago and end my suffering. Maybe all I'm doing now is just living, waiting until that day comes at last. I don't want to die, and I don't want to live like this, but I can't see any other way out.It actually sounds like you have the necessary positive help and people you need, a loving and relatable sister and a therapist, to help you in your life. Some people have less. Some people have nothing. I'm glad you have something. Believe me when I say it makes a huge difference. If you don't want to have positive quotes and all that cliche 'You'll get better' lines thrown at you then we won't do that. We'll just listen and you can write more about your problems to whatever is your comfort level and we'll do our best to understand and help where we can. If listening is all you want people to do right now then we can most certainly do that.
But I can't help but say your guess is completely wrong. No person is born inherently better than another. If you have any more to say on that then I definitely will be listening.
@Below:
Sorry to be back again so soon, but I don't know where else to go.
! I just feel so selfish and useless. My father has a court date today that I feel wholly responsible for and the only thing that I can manage to do is lie in bed like a pathetic pile of garbage and sulk about myself. I'm terrified. I'm scared that I may not see him again. I'm scared that he doesn't know how much that I love him. And yet, here I am, whining about poor, worthless me.
! I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that I always have to make everything about myself. I can't stand the fact that I run away from every problem that I face. I can't stand the fact that I can't tell if I'm upset because of a traumatic event or because of another spontaneous bout of depression. I can't stand the fact that I can't manage to relate to a single, solitary human being on this Earth.
! My father has worked so hard for me and all that I've given him is a lazy, unemployed, talent-less, selectively mute child who seems to connect with cartoon characters more than actual, living people.My wife is going through some of the same emotions. She's moving here from a different country, can't find work, feels unproductive, relies on me for basically anything that costs money and feels she's becoming a burden to me, but I love her. Your father loves, you, and in that love we don't just see what you're dealing with at this very moment, but also your future potential. We love you not just for the present but for the person we know you to be and that encompasses your past, present, and future. Your father doesn't see you as some fixated couch potato who's trying to sap the the life energy out of him. He knows you are not settling, that you will try to improve your life. He loves you unconditionally and that's why he works so well for you. You just need to trust that love and not betray it by….not loving yourself.
http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=41002&page=62&p=3401801&viewfull=1#post3401801
You need to see the potential in yourself too or it won't matter how much others believe in you, in the end. Work from there and cease berating yourself then see what you can accomplish in terms of employment and your social surroundings.
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@Below:
Sorry to be back again so soon, but I don't know where else to go.
! I just feel so selfish and useless. My father has a court date today that I feel wholly responsible for and the only thing that I can manage to do is lie in bed like a pathetic pile of garbage and sulk about myself. I'm terrified. I'm scared that I may not see him again. I'm scared that he doesn't know how much that I love him. And yet, here I am, whining about poor, worthless me.
! I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that I always have to make everything about myself. I can't stand the fact that I run away from every problem that I face. I can't stand the fact that I can't tell if I'm upset because of a traumatic event or because of another spontaneous bout of depression. I can't stand the fact that I can't manage to relate to a single, solitary human being on this Earth.
! My father has worked so hard for me and all that I've given him is a lazy, unemployed, talent-less, selectively mute child who seems to connect with cartoon characters more than actual, living people.! Allow me to dissect your claim here. Basically you are contradicting yourself. You say, that you make everything about yourself, yet half of this post is about your dad and other half about you in relation to other people.
! You find it hard to relate to others, that is certainly true on some level. But this is fine you can't be in unity with other people, otherwise you would never be able to actually meet them.
I'll tell you why it is easier for you you to connect more cartoon characters. Connecting to cartoon character is beginners level in the game, connecting to actual people is ultra hard certain death level. This has nothing to do with your skills or supposed personal ineptness, it just the fact one task is infinitely harder than the other.
When you are connecting to fictional characters you are in total control, as they are not independent beings in this world, they only live in imagination. But, when you try to connect to other people you don't have this control. You have to meet those people. They disappoint you millions of little way, they betray you by simply being not as you have imagined them. When you meet other you have to change. They have to change. To change you have to destroy some part of yourself. It's uncomfortable. You may try to control them, or they may try to control you, to avoid change. It's constant fear, insecurity and discomfort. Of course it can be wonderful transformative experience, that brings you good thing. Yet this comes through pain. You subconsciously associate pain and difficulty with meeting others, while connecting to fictional characters doesn't have this baggage, while it still gives you possibility of a positive change.
! The point of all of this is to show you that you are not failing at anything. You are a human being. This is part of the experience. True, you have depression, and not everyone has it, but it's medical condition - you can't simply wish it away. You don't need to blame yourself for that. -
! I feel just so dead and hollow on the inside. I remember a couple of months ago all I could do was just cry and feel worthless, but this goes beyond even that. I just look on my life and the world with apathy at best. It's not acceptance so much as it is resignation. I've given up hope for everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything that aren't negative emotions anymore. I remember I was laughing pretty hard during a class activity, but then a few minutes later I was just sitting down feeling melancholy and disconnected while everyone around me was chatting and having fun together. When I look back and talk about my past issues to my therapist, it's with a dull monotone. I can talk about violent arguments I witnessed that frightened my child self with no more interest than watching paint dry. Perhaps the only thing I really do feel is contempt for this world and everybody living in it. I know it's not true, but my experiences have left me bitter and cynical to the point that I believe all humans are evil and have only selfish motives.
! Long story short, I had bad experiences with fair weather "friends" and bullies thanks to being that kid, which pretty much destroyed any chance of a social life as well as crippled what meager social skills I had. Then there was the nightmare that was my family, even if for many years I couldn't recognize the abuse and trauma. That left my sister as the only confidant I ever had, and still do up to a certain point. But despite going through nearly the exact same things, she somehow managed to become a "survivor" as everyone loves insistently calling abuse victims, with a job, a close knit group of friends, and a stable relationship with an understanding boyfriend to top it all off. I became a social recluse and somehow just like my parents, in the sense that if some poor soul ever got close to me, I would probably terrorize and emotionally manipulate/abuse them just like my parents did to me. No matter how I look at the situation, I don't understand why my sister got through while I just floundered about. All I can think is that if she was born with the qualities to get through the situation in as healthy a manner as possible, then I was born with the qualities to become a terrible person just like my parents. I guess I was just born defective; under the right circumstances I could become a horrible person, someone to reviled and declared wrong by society. Maybe if I had grown up with a different family I could be different, but I doubt it.
! I only have my sister and therapist to talk to, but I feel even they aren't listening to me. When I talk to my sister about my troubles, I always feel a sort of tension around her, like she's saying, "I don't want to hear your whining again." She does let me rant, but I always feel guilty for putting her through something she doesn't want to relive. And she gives me the same advice my therapist does, "don't give up" or "it doesn't have to be this way." Blah blah blah. Maybe they mean well and I can't just see it, but every time someone throws a positive saying in response to my venting, it really feels like I got slapped for opening up to another person. Not only is that advice completely worthless to me, but it shows they aren't actually listening. I don't want to be told to cheer up or have my beliefs validated; I just wanted someone to listen to me and let me vent all that crap I bottled up for years. But I can't do that when I'm being interrupted every so often to be told thinking negatively is wrong.
! I don't even know why I'm here ranting when I've come to expect either positive quotes told to me, or be decried as a bitter asshole of an attention whore who just loves making everyone miserable. I'm just so tired of slogging through life. Every day it's the same; get up, try to stagger through the day in misery so that I can go home and just sit around in more misery, then sleep. I can't feel any sense of fulfillment or joy in anything I do, and my anti-depressants can't help there since the're slowly failing as my depression worsens. Everyone actively avoids me and I'm too terrified to approach them, I hate what I'm studying, and I have no real plans for the future. I don't see any point in living anymore, and I've just given all hope for a better life. The only reason why I haven't killed myself already is because I'm too scared of what will happen after I die. I hope one day the burden of living becomes too much to handle so that I can find the strength and will to do what I should have done years ago and end my suffering. Maybe all I'm doing now is just living, waiting until that day comes at last. I don't want to die, and I don't want to live like this, but I can't see any other way out.Outerspec pointed out most of what I wanted to say, regarding all of us being here and you definitely meaning something, but there's something else I wanted to bring up.
! Have you talked to your therapist about this? You mention taking anti-depressants and them slowly failing … that's something I hope you're telling him/her, because what it means is that chances are your body may have developed tolerance to your current prescription and renders it useless. And the way you describe the shift from one emotional state to another just like that makes it sound like it's not at all about you as a person being weak or incapable. Quite the opposite, as going along and fighting through this with anti-depressants that don't work kind of means you're much stronger in still being here and talking things out than a lot of people would be if they were in your shoes.
! But yea, I would say mention that bit to your therapist. They know best, I'm sure.@Below:
Sorry to be back again so soon, but I don't know where else to go.
! I just feel so selfish and useless. My father has a court date today that I feel wholly responsible for and the only thing that I can manage to do is lie in bed like a pathetic pile of garbage and sulk about myself. I'm terrified. I'm scared that I may not see him again. I'm scared that he doesn't know how much that I love him. And yet, here I am, whining about poor, worthless me.
! I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that I always have to make everything about myself. I can't stand the fact that I run away from every problem that I face. I can't stand the fact that I can't tell if I'm upset because of a traumatic event or because of another spontaneous bout of depression. I can't stand the fact that I can't manage to relate to a single, solitary human being on this Earth.
! My father has worked so hard for me and all that I've given him is a lazy, unemployed, talent-less, selectively mute child who seems to connect with cartoon characters more than actual, living people.Again, Outerspec has a lot of insight in his response (this guy, I'm telling you …) so I just wanted to point out the inherent irony about the whole thing.
Your entire comment, your guilt and your discomfort is pretty much entirely about how much you care for your father. That's pretty much the opposite of selfish. So it's not fair for you to think of yourself like that. This whole guilt and lowering of your self-image won't help you or your father.
And if you're afraid of him not knowing how much you care ... then why not just let him know?edit: oh wait, DarkFalcon already said this too. So many awesome people willing to jump in and support, quite awesome xD
And last bit, it is SO much easier to connect with cartoon characters than living people. Like, by far. People suck. Not people here though, people here are awesome. Clearly.
It does help to think that someone conceived those characters and wrote them, so being able to connect with a character means you do connect to someone's vision of the world. Not to mention all the other people in the world that also connect to the characters. No one is as alone in their experiences as they like to think. -
The best damn
Responses I could
Have asked for
Thanks, everyone. Today has just been awful and I really appreciate all of your kind words. After such a rough time, it's great to see the incredible things you guys have said. Thank you all so much. Sorry for being so dramatic.
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This post is deleted!
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Thanks for the replies, everyone.
! But I have one question for you. If you hate what you study, and you don't see any future for yourself either way, why won't you drop it and study something fun?
! I'm going to graduate in less than six months, and I've already poured in more than four years into this degree. No matter how much I hate it, I know that quitting when the finish line is in sight is not a good move, especially since I've put up with so much crap over the years. If I quit now, it basically means I threw it all away for nothing. But believe me, I'm very, very, very tempted to just drop out right now. As for why I'm not studying anything fun, the problem is that the depression is robbing me of any pleasure I could have felt. Things that I once enjoyed now only fill me with mental exhaustion. When everything seems so tiring and lifeless, it's hard to pick where you want to go. It's like standing in the middle of a desert and all you can see is just sand in every direction. The sun's blazing down and burning away the water inside, you don't know if there's anything out there that could make the journey worth it, so it's just easier to lie down and wait for death.
Outerspec pointed out most of what I wanted to say, regarding all of us being here and you definitely meaning something, but there's something else I wanted to bring up.
! Have you talked to your therapist about this? You mention taking anti-depressants and them slowly failing … that's something I hope you're telling him/her, because what it means is that chances are your body may have developed tolerance to your current prescription and renders it useless. And the way you describe the shift from one emotional state to another just like that makes it sound like it's not at all about you as a person being weak or incapable. Quite the opposite, as going along and fighting through this with anti-depressants that don't work kind of means you're much stronger in still being here and talking things out than a lot of people would be if they were in your shoes.
! But yea, I would say mention that bit to your therapist. They know best, I'm sure.! My therapist is aware of the anti-depressant situation, but not how I feel about the situation. I've been on my current anti depressants for about 6 months now, and I've had to increase the dosage twice now. The meds work well for three months or so, but the depression slowly creeps back in until I'm having suicidal thoughts again. And each time it happened, we increased the dosage. The second increase was a few days ago. It's also the last possible increase since now I'm taking the maximum dosage allowed. I don't want to know what will happen afterwards if the depression overtakes the medication like it has before. I guess I could try some other anti-depressants if all else fails, but it's a gamble if it will work or not, and I'm not willing to risk it.
! I wish I could see how you say I'm strong. I just feel all beat up and too tired to get back up. -
I often think that this place is the most hateful one I've ever seen. Then I see DarkFalcon, Outerspec, Noqanky, etc. And I realise there is something good left in here as well~
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Thanks for the replies, everyone.
! I'm going to graduate in less than six months, and I've already poured in more than four years into this degree. No matter how much I hate it, I know that quitting when the finish line is in sight is not a good move, especially since I've put up with so much crap over the years. If I quit now, it basically means I threw it all away for nothing. But believe me, I'm very, very, very tempted to just drop out right now. As for why I'm not studying anything fun, the problem is that the depression is robbing me of any pleasure I could have felt. Things that I once enjoyed now only fill me with mental exhaustion. When everything seems so tiring and lifeless, it's hard to pick where you want to go. It's like standing in the middle of a desert and all you can see is just sand in every direction. The sun's blazing down and burning away the water inside, you don't know if there's anything out there that could make the journey worth it, so it's just easier to lie down and wait for death.
! My therapist is aware of the anti-depressant situation, but not how I feel about the situation. I've been on my current anti depressants for about 6 months now, and I've had to increase the dosage twice now. The meds work well for three months or so, but the depression slowly creeps back in until I'm having suicidal thoughts again. And each time it happened, we increased the dosage. The second increase was a few days ago. It's also the last possible increase since now I'm taking the maximum dosage allowed. I don't want to know what will happen afterwards if the depression overtakes the medication like it has before. I guess I could try some other anti-depressants if all else fails, but it's a gamble if it will work or not, and I'm not willing to risk it.
! I wish I could see how you say I'm strong. I just feel all beat up and too tired to get back up.! I understand your situation with studies very well. I had similar problem in the past. It turned out it was a good thing I was able to put through it. But doing something, that you don't find any enjoyment in is really burdening. It really holds you down, that you know you have to finish this.
! You just never know in life, if there'd be something worth all the pain. Unless, there is something you choose to love and chase after. When you get down to it, it really matters what you choose to believe in. How to tell yourself your life - that isn't something anyone can tell you. If you choose the easier path or the harder path, that's all up to you. People are saying harder path is more worthy, but how can they tell, unless they're there?
! I for sure won't condemn you for your choices, but at the same time I believe you can make it. You just need to find therapy, that is suitable for you. I do want to see you around when I visit here. I can't tell you what you should do. I really can't. But there is a way out this desert and who knows, an oasis may actually be close by. If you're in a pit, you really can't see that far.
! If you can die or do something and possibly not die, than doing the thing is option worth consideration. The thing can be getting new meds, or graduating. Maybe one of those things holds for you future, that you can enjoy.
! I too believe you are strong. You are alive and even manage not to drop out of school, despite being very depressed. You are able to talk about those feelings with us. That means you are strong. -
I often think that this place is the most hateful one I've ever seen. Then I see DarkFalcon, Outerspec, Noqanky, etc. And I realise there is something good left in here as well~
Huh? I feel like everyone here is disgustingly nice. But that's probably because I mostly browse the general discussion…
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I think most people here are discussing. :ninja:
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I often think that this place is the most hateful one I've ever seen. Then I see DarkFalcon, Outerspec, Noqanky, etc. And I realise there is something good left in here as well~
I think most people here are really friendly, although I'm probably not the best person to judge this, seeing I'm absent most of the time.
I'm only here because I've saw by chance how depressed Nolus is (Nolus if you happen to read this, you are most beautiful person and mustache, and you've made me feel better about myself and my art so many times). And since I'm checking this thread for that reason either way, so when I see other people with depression, I think it would be unfair to only care about Nolus. Everyone deserves to be care about.
I don't know if I can actually help them with what I say, but if I'm able to make anyone feel less alone with their depressions for a minute, than it's worth it.
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I often think that this place is the most hateful one I've ever seen. Then I see DarkFalcon, Outerspec, Noqanky, etc. And I realise there is something good left in here as well~
In my experience, these forums have some the nicest people I've ever come across. This confession thread is probably the best example of that, what with the "no judgement" policy and all. I'm fairly new here, in terms of posting regularly, so maybe I've just gotten extremely lucky with the conversations I've joined in on, but whether they're helping me through an existential crisis or just shooting the shit, everyone that I've talked to here has been incredibly kind and easy to get along with.
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I often think that this place is the most hateful one I've ever seen. Then I see DarkFalcon, Outerspec, Noqanky, etc. And I realise there is something good left in here as well~
As with any online community, you can find some jerks here and there, but by and large, I've been here 10+ years and this place has for the most part always been good to me :/
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..
@Below:
This confession thread is probably the best example of that
I don't consider this thread to be anything like that, that's why I mentioned people who post here and help others. (I also mean other forum members too of course, not only these three.)
As with any online community, you can find some jerks here and there, but by and large, I've been here 10+ years and this place has for the most part always been good to me :/
Some are lucky, some aren't xD
I guess I exaggerated it, to make it sound better or something? I was too sleepy maybe, I shouldn't have said "the most" at least. But still, I just have mixed feelings about this place.
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Tell me who was a jerk to you Carmilla and i'll boop him or her or whoever it was in the nose :B
(Damn, if it was me it's gonna hurt).
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Tell me who was a jerk to you Carmilla and i'll boop him or her or whoever it was in the nose :B
(Damn, if it was me it's gonna hurt).
You have not enough power :B
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You have not enough power :B
BRB summoning dark forces to change power for years of my life :B
Edit: Fuck, they took my arm and a leg!!
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You have not enough power :B
As always, if you are being harassed or if you see somebody being harassed, you can report it to a mod.
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As always, if you are being harassed or if you see somebody being harassed, you can report it to a mod.
That was a joke that I said to Prismeru, and I meant physical power.
I am not being harassed or anything, nor anyone I know~ I didn't even refer to stuff that severe. I just meant that general attitude is not too kind in my eyes sometimes. -
I don't lift T^T
But i think i can do alchemy now b:
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This post is deleted!
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What happened to Darth's post? I wanted to reply to it today when I have more power in my mind, but now it seems to be gone.
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Maybe he didn´t felt confortable exposing himself like that and decided to delete it.
I guess we can send him a PM. -
videogame related confession:
! Xenoblade means so much for me, but despite that after the recent Xeno X direct i think it did more harm than good for me. On one hand i trust Monolith more than any other developer, but on the other hand i'm usually really pessimistic, and i don't want to see my most anticipated game turn out for the worst.
! It basically boils down to the fact that they've shown the 5 "areas" of the game, but i really don't want for them to be the "only" areas of it. Because it would be really stupid to spoil even before the game is released all there is to it, and even by doing a rapid calc of the announced soundtracks (with like 90 tracks), considerng a day/night ost and a battle theme for each one makes it to 17/90, so i really hope that there will be much more to it. Because if a game like Xeno X that is soooo concentrated on EXPLORATION and DISCOVERY of an alien planet is already fully discovered in a video before the game is even out, is kinda depressing. But as i said i trust them and i'm hoping for the best.While the concern is valid, I think this sort of stuff would be more properly vented in the video game sub-forum, in the Nintendo thread for example.
Feels a bit out of place here next to stuff that has to do more with personal lives and issues. -
Indeed. Post moved.
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I feel so lucky I've found this woman (my doctor). She helps me understand myself and makes me feel a little better each time. There's still a long way to go, but I think I'll manage. The medicines seem to work as well. I've sorted out the things with my grandpa and grandma and the most surprising is my brother.
On the other hand, I think I'm starting to fall in love with a 30-year old man.
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I feel so lucky I've found this woman (my doctor). She helps me understand myself and makes me feel a little better each time. There's still a long way to go, but I think I'll manage. The medicines seem to work as well. I've sorted out the things with my grandpa and grandma and the most surprising is my brother.
Hey! Some Optimism!That's a good sign! I'm really happy things seem to be turning around for you! ^_^
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That's great Nolus! Woohoo! :D
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I feel so lucky I've found this woman (my doctor). She helps me understand myself and makes me feel a little better each time. There's still a long way to go, but I think I'll manage. The medicines seem to work as well. I've sorted out the things with my grandpa and grandma and the most surprising is my brother.
On the other hand, I think I'm starting to fall in love with a 30-year old man.
I'm very happy to hear your doctor is working out so well for you and you're mending things with your family. This is great news, Nolus.
Otherwise, please be careful.
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I feel so lucky I've found this woman (my doctor). She helps me understand myself and makes me feel a little better each time. There's still a long way to go, but I think I'll manage. The medicines seem to work as well. I've sorted out the things with my grandpa and grandma and the most surprising is my brother.
On the other hand, I think I'm starting to fall in love with a 30-year old man.
You mean your psychiatrist? That's wonderful! That's what we were hoping for when we encouraged you to find one, and I'm glad the one you found is helping you. And aren't drugs great? brandishes her Citalopram
As for your crush, how old are you? An age gap isn't necessarily a bad thing, it all depends on your partner. My own parents are 10 years apart.
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You mean your psychiatrist? That's wonderful! That's what we were hoping for when we encouraged you to find one, and I'm glad the one you found is helping you. And aren't drugs great? brandishes her Citalopram
As for your crush, how old are you? An age gap isn't necessarily a bad thing, it all depends on your partner. My own parents are 10 years apart.
I'm 20. So yeah, a 10 year gap.