Well that took forever.~ Due to real life circumstances, trapped had to step down from her judging duties. Since you all have waited enough, instead of finding a third judge and wasting another week or so of everyone's time, I've opted to instead just offer you mine and Dryish's reviews. To make up for your third review, I offer each of you a piece of inspirational wisdom that may or may not have anything to do with anything ever. Because I'm bored. And you all should LISTEN TO THIS STUFF.
Anyway, the winner of the January Monthly is…
! LaCaSiNa!
(Sorry for the 29545635 spoiler tags… ^^)
REVIEWS:
"Archangel"by Shuhan
! Dryish Hmm, angel mythos, huh? I do hope that you are aware that dabbling with that does impose some limitations on your writing, as all people will not be all that appreciative of playing around with completely imaginary stuff mixed with real biblical references. It might be a sensitive thing to write about, even if it is a magical realism story.
! As for the chapter itself, there are some things that I think I should point out. The first is what Cuddles already told you in your thread – the amount of pronouns you use. It’s not a bad thing to use them, really, and I think that most writers who deliberately try to get rid of the habit go to extremes and stop using them places where their use would have made the sentence easier to write, but there are quite a lot of them in your story. I didn’t really have any trouble reading it, and the amount of them did not feel as jarring as with something else, but you should still keep an eye on them and try to figure out multiple ways of saying the same thing. Using different kinds of sentence structures is a stylistic choice that can, in fact, even make your writing more interesting for the reader.
! Another thing that I noticed and that I must admit kind of bugs me is the overall plot, or more to the point the speed of the plot progression in the first chapter. Yes, you do need to have a hook, and revealing your main character’s true identity as the archangel Gabriel definitely serves as one, but I feel like the revelation of the fact that an ordinary high school kid is something so grand should not be hurried and shouldn’t take place in the first chapter. He getting assailed was quite predictable, as something like that usually always happens with stories that revolve around school life, and I don’t really know if the angel metamorphosis should start at the end of that particular chain of events. This is merely my personal opinion, of course, but somehow it does not feel as dignified as I find it ought to.
! Otherwise it’s quite good. I like the chemistry between Gabe and Janet, as well as how his teacher treated him, and Mike – assuming that he’s the archangel Michael – seems like an interesting character that I would gladly learn more about. I hope that you will find the time to continue your written and drawn stories in the future. I have grown quite fond of them, and it would sad to watch them wither and die.
! –-
! Kitsune Inferno
As painful as it is for me to say this from the get go, but you can really tell that Archangel was formulated by a child. I don't mean offense when I say that, but let me start by not pulling any punches with you. This is an early draft, so please allow me to be rough.~
! That's not to say Archangel has a bad premise, but it's a fairly overplayed one: boy is struggling in school, boy is bullied, boy gets hax powers and becomes a superhero. Again, not a bad premise, but it needs to have something that grips and hooks the reader and makes them invested in the characters right from the start.
! The idea of the main character being an angel is certainly a good premise, but it needs a powerhouse character to make it work. Gabe, as it stands, is incredibly generic. There are no quirks or subtleties about him that make him remotely compelling and if there are, they need to be apparent from the outset. What sets him apart from the Peter Parkers? What makes him so sleepy all the time?
! Another important thing to note is that Chapter 1 is your only chance to grip the audience so you need to hook them from the outset and Chapter 1 needs to highlight and explore everything that's meant to hook them. The audience needs a much fuller picture of Gabe. They need to know as much as you can present about his normal life before the inciting incident. How's his home life? What's he do in his free time? What does he like about Janet? Why is he bullied? Etc. You need to either answer these questions are touch on them with Chapter 1. Think of it like covering all your bases before you hit a home run with your hook.
! As it stands now, Chapter 1 just feels like a teaser. Four scenes does not tell us anything about why we should continue reading, unless those scenes give us clear, concise morsels of information. We need a reason to root for Gabriel. We need to know exactly why he's our protagonist. And just being a chosen angel of light won't cut it from the start.The story has promise, don't get me wrong, but you need to deliver that promise by putting some meat on these bones.
! Archangel, Chapter 1: D (Fair)
**–-
! Words of Wisdom
! "**Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!"
–Ann Perkins
"Horizontal Eights" by Keo 2309
! Dryish Talking monkeys! Or, well, just one monkey this time. You know, this review job is not all that easy to do when you have explicitly said that you are going to scrap the piece that I’m supposed to read and judge. I’m a lazy bastard.
! Anyway, chapter two of Horizontal Eights. I haven’t got much to say about this one, to be completely honest with you. I do enjoy your writing style, and I think that the witty character interactions that are clearly somewhat based on real life experiences are fun to read. I did laugh at least a couple of times, which is a sign that you are doing something right. I don’t usually laugh. I never got all that attached to most of the characters, because it was always mostly about Kel and Tara, and I suppose the others would have been fleshed out more through actual events later down the line, but if you are scrapping it now then nevermind.
! The plot was okay too, I think. Slowly foreshadowing what is to come has always been the approach that I personally like the most, as opposed to straightforward action and having the main characters run into every single thing before any proper explanation is given. And Socrates was a fine, fine monkey. I have always been a sucker for ancient wise men who scold young whippersnappers about their self-declared smarts that are not all that bright after all.
! Good.
! –-
! Kitsune Inferno Right out the bat, Horizontal Eights is a pretty fresh and unique story. I don't think I totally understand its premise just yet, but what you've presented so far is quite different than most other stories on here, which helps it stand out more.
! I think it's cool and interesting how your characters are, like, fairly distinct without your intention. You mentioned in the narrative that it didn't really matter who was who, but after reading it and writing this review a couple of days after, I can still name all eight characters with ease and define their quirks without much trouble. So kudos to that.
! There's a lot of humor in this chapter. I don't know whether it totally works in the end or not, but it's pretty cool how natural and sharp it is. The “simian” puns were a little eyeroll-worthy, but they still worked, so it's not a huge issue.
! However, the formatting really killed this chapter for me. It was laborious to read and some of the sentences were really wonky. And trying to split up the words made them doubly so. Take the time to make your chapter readable. If not, then it's going to be more of a chore than a cheer.
! Shuhan can really learn from this story here. Whereas Archangel was missing lots of key bits of exposition and uniqueness, you're pretty good at taking throwaway dialogue and presenting it as exposition in a succinct fashion. We learn lots about characters like Tara without really interacting too much with her, instead getting little nuggets of background information through tangents, which is good. Like, we get a deeper view of Tara when we learn she doesn't smoke, but makes smokes for Kel. It's little things like that that brings characters to life and it's something you should strive for in future installments.
! In the end, you've got a great foundation going for a good story, just fix the formatting and you should be good. This chapter wasn't as good as the first, but it doesn't exactly have to be to work.
! Horizontal Eights, Chapter 2: B (Great)
! –-
! Words of Wisdom "Wikipedia is mankind's greatest invention. You can learn about anything. We all know Ray J. We all know he's a singer. He's Brandy's brother. And he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian. But, did you also know he's Snoop Dogg's cousin AND he was in the 1996 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks? Suddenly, you're on the Mars Attacks page!"
! – Tom Haverford
"Stargazer" by Crossword
! Dryish More Stargazer, and it’s the start of a new arc too. How lucky, I was afraid I couldn’t review this without spending hours upon hours reading the chapters that I have missed between this and the last chapter that I read a couple of months ago. I have to say this was a pleasant surprise, and even more so because the new arc seems incredibly interesting.
! This beginning was stellar. It had everything that makes an introductory chapter hook the reader and leaves him wanting for more. The character interaction between Christian and the driver, the youngsters and Groot were all really well done, even though the business meeting did follow a slightly clichéd pattern of old gangster stories. The overall plot seems like a nice change of pace too. I’m a fan of big underground organizations that operate literally everywhere and do business with big money, and the fact that the moon is also involved in their business operations is really interesting as far as world building is concerned.
! The biggest problem I had with Stargazer’s first chapter was that the venue and the environment that it took place in was a bit small and, as a result, felt a little limited. There wasn’t all that much you could do with it, but this current development looks like it could change that. Especially with your talent of making new places seem really interesting with the amount of detailed description that you write. Many people don’t know when to include a paragraph like that without making the natural flow of things feel stunted, but you do. And I love your writing for that.
! This was a great chapter. Looking forward to seeing more of this in the recent future.
! –-
! Kitsune Inferno
! It's really hard to judge stand-alone sequences like this. I know we're starting a new arc, and these guys are probably its villains, but that doesn't make things any less uncomfortable. The problem is not that you introduced new characters, but that there's no real context to them. There should be at least some degree of leverage the audience has that allows them to connect these guys to the story immediately.
! Using this kind of “xenophobic” approach to revealing new plot points is NOT a bad thing when done properly and can be used to great effect. Look at, say, the second and third season openers of LOST. Now imagine if LOST kept us focused on Desmond for the entire episode until the end, revealing he's in the hatch. Or if we stayed with Juliet and the Others for the entire episode until Ben shows up and the plane crashes at the end of the episode. These scenes are effective as “mindfuck” season openers, but not as effective when they take up the entire episode.
! And I'm also aware that Stargazer is probably more of a continuous “novel” than a serial, so once we get a fuller picture, this sequence will probably work much better, but as a stand-alone piece, there's not a whole lot of common ground to grab onto that latches these guys to the story. And not getting to see what Terry and Nova and the gang are up to right away makes this chapter feel detached.
! Aside from that, your new characters are decently interesting, but we don't know much at all about them, which again makes the fact that this sequence took up the whole chapter a whole lot less forgiveable. They'll most likely fill out into more interesting individuals as the arc plays out, but for now, we've got a decent tease at them, which is good. Also, neat bits of worldbuilding there, such as the reveal that there's civilization on the moon. That makes the prospect of space travel in future installments more exciting.
! On the technical side of things, there's not a lot to comment on, but lines like the “ten minutes past seven-thirty at night” come across as excessively wordy. Try “twenty minutes to eight at night” instead. And there's some descriptors that come across as generic and artificial, like the use of “individual” to refer to the rich guy. It didn't really flow too well to me.
! Yeah, sorry to spend three paragraphs ribbing on the opening chapter. It's not really all that bad at all and it is still interesting, it's just really hard to get into. I'm sure it'll pay off in the end, but for now, I'll grade you a bit low, because I'm sure better chapters are coming. And again, this one's not bad, it just leaves me a bit wanting of more.
! Stargazer, Chapter 22: C+ (Good)
! –-
! Words of Wisdom "I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating, because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards."
! – Ron Swanson
"Under Our Ground" by LaCaSiNa
! Dryish Well, I have to say this came as a bit of a shock as well as a surprise. I never expected to read something that would thoroughly disturb me on AP, but here I am. And trust me, that is a compliment coming from me. It tells me that you have succeeded in what you set out to do in the first place, which is what every writer should work towards – even more so with the horror genre.
! Last time when I was reviewing Under our Ground, I told you to polish some of the dialogue as well as try to make each character’s actions and their interaction follow the rules of basic conversational logic, which was maybe a little bit off, and you have definitely succeeded marvelously in doing just that. Especially Ira’s character shone in this chapter. You managed to depict her feelings really well. The only part that I thought was a little out of character was the speed of Thomas’s quick mood swing from mock determination to distraught helplessness, but even that is more or less believable as people do react like that when facing something horrible that has no explanation.
! You really excel when it comes to creating an atmosphere of unseen threat and anxiety. As someone who is not so well-versed in the actual mechanics of the particular genre, I can’t really say what contributes to that and what does not, but it shows that you have followed the Silent Hill series for so long. This is legitimately scary stuff.
! This deserves the first and quite possibly the last excellent that I’m going to give anyone here ever.
–-
! Kitsune Inferno Three chapters in and Under Our Ground continues to deliver. This chapter ups the stakes significantly. I was so upset when we lost Brent, especially after we only just began to start exploring his character. But that should have been a tell-tale sign that his death was imminent.
! My only gripe with Brent's death is that there was something about him I feel we hadn't gotten a chance to fully explore. This is a horror story, so that can be forgiven, but I did get the feeling in earlier chapters that Brent was going to be rather important. But, alas, such is life.
! I love the little glimpses we keep getting of Clarisse's past and little character moments like Brent's omelettes help further define each character and make them more compelling. Thomas and Norma get more layers of depth here too, but not as much as Brent did. It's not necessary now, but I do expect more from them before they eventually do bite the bullet, I guess. Ira's pretty perfectly conveyed as a hideous little girl. It makes her such an unsettling, but sympathetic character, and getting to explore why she's in such a condition is keeping me hooked in the story. And as I thought, something's happening on the train with Joy.
! The language barrier does create a few nasty hiccups though. Biggest example is the verbosity in the final paragraphs where Joy loses her mind. I got lost in the metaphors and thought she might've died. Overall, it was a very confusing and painful passage that could use a little less verbosity. Another quirk I keep noticing are all of the little references to the US that seem to try and help define the setting but come across as slightly overbearing. It's not too bad, but Staci's “pledge of allegiance” was rather groanworthy (but the heart of the scene was in the right place, so I can't fault you too much.)
! Overall, you're moving every character and plot along nicely and briskly, and I can't wait to see what's in store over the next few chapters. Keep it up, LaCa, this story's a real treat to read.
! Under Our Ground: A- (Excellent)
! –-
! Words of Wisdom "I want to treat April like a queen. And queens deserve flowers and massages, chocolate, booze, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves, different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub them on stuff."
! – Andy Dwyer
"Yukino" by ChesCa
! Dryish This one was surprisingly short, and as such there is not much I can say about it. The tides have turned and Yukino is becoming even more of the actual protagonist of the story, where before it was quite hard to tell at times whether the number one character we were supposed to follow was her or Dr. Issei. It’s always been quite clear, to be sure, but with this chapter I think I can safely say that the main focus has finally shifted and things will start rolling at their own weight now.
! There aren’t any real flaws that I could point out and advice you to fix here. I think the only small nitpick that I have is that you don’t really name or number your chapters in the thread itself, so it is hard for a monthly judge to tell what is part of the chapter and what is something that has happened earlier without looking at the dates and times of the posts themselves, but I digress. I quite like the chapter as it is. Of course every reader would always like to see more, but the short length of it is what makes it so impactful. Issei’s attempts at goading Yukino into admitting something and listening to him are nice to read, as is Yukino’s newfound determination of becoming the one hero who will save the day.
! Great stuff as usual.
! –-
! Kitsune Inferno Thankfully this go 'round, there's not a whole lot of information that requires me to catch up. The chapter is short and to the point: a sparring match between Yukino and Issei. These are typically what Yukino does best, and this sparring match is no different from the others. Which therein lies my gripe with the story once again: it's almost no different. Yukino and Issei are still, at their bases, nearly the same characters they were all the way back in the first installment. The dynamic of their sessions is still the same. Issei pries, Yukino drops him something to pry upon, Issei pries, Yukino rejects. Back to the status quo.
! The highlight of this chapter was probably the brief moment when Yukino hesitates at the notion that she and Issei have a fairly deep relationship. It at least establishes that some progress is being made in their developing relationship, but considering this is Act 3, this is coming way too late.
! I get the feeling that Yukino and Issei's characters exist within a vaccum, devoid of the presence of the other (with some exceptions). Of course, this could be intentional; they could very well both be in a bubble and that could very well be your intention all along. That's a very interesting and fascinating facet that I would commend you for exploring. But seeing how long Yukino is and how far we've come, the fact that there is so little pull and tug between these characters is frustrating. I'd go so far as to say that it feels like the relationship has regressed.
! What you might consider is bringing that moment of hesitation to the forefront. It's a great character moment that'd reinforce a lot of emotional stakes the audience might have with Yukino. I understand what you're doing with Yukino's character and I get that she is autistic and all, but there's this unseen barrier between her and the audience that makes her harder and harder to understand and root for as time goes by. I feel like Yukino can be a stronger, much more likeable character if you start putting cracks in that barrier.
! Which would address my problem with Issei, in that everything he does feels futile and repetitive. Sure, he's an interesting guy, but with his relationship with Yukino feeling stagnant, it makes him feel peripheral. If there's even a shred of influence he has been imparting upon Yukino, it'd make him that much more important to the narrative.
! As always, take these only as suggestions. Seeing how far you've come, I'm sure you've got a grand scheme in mind that might address all of these issues. As for this chapter, it's a really great Yukino chapter that has all the potential to be Excellent if only there wasn't this barrier between Yukino and Issei AND Yukino and the audience.
! Yukino, Autumn Part 4: B (Great)
! –-
! Words of Wisdom "Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules then they're not really your friends."
! –Leslie Knope
–-
Thank you all for your patience. Thank you to the writers, judges, readers, and the cast of Parks and Recreation. Sorry for the lateness. I will now go commit seppuku.
Also, I am once again organizing and judging for March. Any judging volunteers?