Hold on to the writing feeling !
Monthly Writing Competition: Keep Up The Standard!
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Reviews done, written and sent in~ No procrastination this month.
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I have both Dryish and Gizmo's reviews.
We're all waiting on you, Shuhan. There's only one day left.
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It will be worth the wait buddies~
hope you look forward to "hearing" from me soon~
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Goddammit shushu you better not do this.
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hmm?
I have no idea what you're talking about:ninja: -
I know what you're talking about. e_e
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SHUHAN! Don't make me come to your house!
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Ooooo damn, Shuhan is going the extra mile on this one, guys. I'm very impressed with how he's doing these reviews. Expect to give this man due credit.~
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@Uncle:
Ooooo damn, Shuhan is going the extra mile on this one, guys. I'm very impressed with how he's doing these reviews. Expect to give this man due credit.~
S'why its taking so long…
After I'm done work I'llfinish the last of it and send the rest in~
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With that…my reviews are all handed in~
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Expect all of the reviews to be posted tomorrow.~
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Fuck that.
I demand them now.
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Then I'm going to need an advance on those infinite blow jobs.
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Fine. I'm on my way.
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Hey everyone. So I would like to submit in the next couple months because I am looking to enter a new writing community. So I have a few questions. When ate submissions due for each month? Also, who to and how should I submit? Thanks!
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Hey everyone. So I would like to submit in the next couple months because I am looking to enter a new writing community. So I have a few questions. When ate submissions due for each month? Also, who to and how should I submit? Thanks!
I'm rather new to this myself, but from what I've gathered submissions are due anytime during the month. So for August anytime between the 1st-31st. To submit them, you post a thread in the writing forum, and then post the link to that story here. At least, that what it seems like what everyone does. If I'm wrong people are welcome to correct me.
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Kenny wanted me to tell you all his computer is down at the moment. He will get the reviews up as soon as it's up and running again.
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As in, like, down for the hour or down for the week? :\
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Hmmm, well, if it's going to be a while, I was going to suggest having the reviewers PM another organizer, but if it's just going to be for the night, then there should be no issue.
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I'm rather new to this myself, but from what I've gathered submissions are due anytime during the month. So for August anytime between the 1st-31st. To submit them, you post a thread in the writing forum, and then post the link to that story here. At least, that what it seems like what everyone does. If I'm wrong people are welcome to correct me.
Awesome. Thanks much.
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The productivity of the writers and the reviewers was raised by the song
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It inspired them!
Or made them feel guilty.
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Welp Mette, I think its time for our musical powers to help another section here…
The future is in the past...
FORWARD AOSHIMA!!
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Welp Mette, I think its time for our musical powers to help another section here…
The future is in the past...
FORWARD AOSHIMA!!
Whenever you want
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KENNY! Stop staring at your lava lamp for hours on end and fix your computer.
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Welp Mette, I think its time for our musical powers to help another section here…
The future is in the past...
FORWARD AOSHIMA!!
YOUR HEARTS IS oN FIRE AND THE FIRE IS IN YOUR HEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRT
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Before revealing this month's winner, let us all rise up in song, y'all.
_Oh mah goodness
Now… let's see who that winner is!_
! Oh
! my
! God
! It's DIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!
! Circles by Keo2309!Now then, onto the reviews:
Circles by Keo 2309
! Dryish: Well, what can I say. That was really good. Good to the point where I could even use the word professional to describe the style and not flinch. We don't have that many proper short stories on the section, so reading something like this was a nice change, especially when you seem to know how to craft and develop that strong emotionally charged feel that such a work needs to have if it wants to hold the reader enthralled.
I loved the references (rather daring to include an OP one on a forum like this, I approve) and the way they made Kel feel like a real person that you could easily relate to. You have to be able to sympathize with the main character in a narrative like this, and you made it happen almost automatically and with very little effort. Also, how you portrayed his emotions at any given time was really concrete. The skating scene was probably my favourite for that very reason. I could really feel how he felt myself.
Repetition here and there, yes, but as you said in your thread that is unavoidable. It didn't drag. Not a big deal. The so-called sex scene was a tad out of place, in my opinion, but it worked okay as natural progression of events in the story. Nice work with the ending there, too. I was a bit afraid you wouldn't have the guts to leave it completely open and unexplained, but you did and that was definitely the right thing to do.
! Excellent. That's a first.
! –-
! Gizmo: So when I read real life and HaruhiSuzumiya story, I had no idea what to expect. In fact, during myfirst read through, I wasn't sure where the story was heading until the middle/end. Itwasn't until my second read that I made the connection to Endless 8.An interesting story from a writer's perspective. The reread was muchmore enjoyable and I was able to catch more foreshadowing of theending.
! You deserve a lot of credit for havingeach chapter bring new insight into the relationship each time (Ithink) and having a different setting for their date; however, I dothink I could remove a chapter or two in the beginning and nothingtoo substantial would be lost. Chapter 31 specifically could becondensed a bit. The focus of other people on him also seemed to be dropped after the beginning.
! Kel felt like a good character andpretty easy to understand. At the beginning, I kept wondering how hewas able to keep a girl like Tara, but I guess that was the point ofthe story, which made it sadder at the end.
! Tara was harder character to pinpoint.At the end, I couldn't distinguish her character throughout thevarious chapters. For example, I have no idea if the mooing inchapter 83 was Kel's imagination trying to make her more interestingor if she's just that type of person.
! That said, I do think by the end of itI get a good grasp at why Kel likes Tara and wants to be with her.Their relationship is a very strong point in the story and the storyhas a fitting ending.
! The various references were nice, andKel seemed like the type to just be a jack of all trades as a writer,but they seemed too random. I feel like the references could've beendirected towards a certain genre or motif so it would be easier topinpoint his true likes and dislikes and get an even better grasp onhis character.
! Rating: Great
! Monthly Bonus: Music to my ears: Causeafter all…you're my wonderwall (This was referencing the Oasis songright? If not I'm sorry for not getting the reference but you stilldeserve the bonus for other musical references like Gambino)
! –-
! Shuhan:
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! Final verdict
! >! Excellent
! –-
! Mabel: Concerto di Ali by Kitsune Inferno
! Dryish: I won't sugarcoat this: I didn't feel almost anything reading this chapter. Your dialogue and descriptions are as brilliant as ever, but they alone are not enough to carry the story if its events and characters don't spark even the faintest interest in the reader. And that, sadly, is what I feel happened here. Granted, it is another introductory chapter whose main purpose is to reveal what the world and other characters look like from the viewpoint of Mercado himself, but it still could have had more tangible content. The pace is sluggish. These chapters with people we already know need more suspense.
As far as the characters themselves go, the loyal retainer infatuated with the lady he is to protect and serve is an archetype that has become hackneyed. It is often used in works of "classic fantasy", and unless you give Cortez another character quirk and flesh out his personality much more, he will remain severely impeded by that label throughout the entire story. Also, his behaviour is far from chivalrous – it is more that of a man who doesn't think straight due to his desperate lust. If Arcanzia's finest acts like this all the time, I'm surprised the kingdom still exists.
The king's delusional and the princesses brainwashed personalities concern me as well. Both seem very generic and not very interesting to someone who has read fantasy fiction before. If those traits have an actual importance and relevance to the main plot, then it's fine, but if the people in question are like that only because it helps the author explain why certain events take place by offering him a safe escape route when something starts getting illogical and unrealistic… Well, that is just lazy. I hope you know what you are doing.
Your talent as a fiction writer saves your face. I trust and know that you can do so much better, and I'm convinced that Cortez's story, too, will become captivating. Good, but it needs something more.
! –-
Gizmo: FirstI want to say kudos on the two updates this month and the two updateslast month. It's rather inspiring.
! Nowon to the story. The Fourth verse sets up yet another piece of thischaracter driven piece about an ancient war. I never read your olderversion of this story so I'm getting to know your characters for thefirst time.
! Sabreus'streatment of the maids characterizes his issues with power andcontrol was portrayed rather well.
! Samewith Cortez. This first real look at the character was also prettystrong. His loyalty/obsession to Stella was clear and it'll beinteresting to see how their distance will affect him. I'm alsolooking forward to seeing his character before and outside of Stella.In this chapter I felt there was a little bit of that, but not clear enough for me to really pinpoint. Between taunting Doreen about therelationship to cutting the head off in one swoop I'm feeling a bitof a sadist in him, but that could just be me.
! Doreen'ssudden assertiveness at the end kinda threw me off. It seemed sudden,especially since she was on the defensive and crying her eyes outjust moments ago.
! Iwant to know what Doreen called Cortez. I'm curious if youintentionally left it out and if it signified some kind of back storywe're going to hear.
! Stellaseems spacey at times, which is understandable given her situation.
! Onething that threw me off was her conversations. I can't tell if thoseare just things she's saying because she's out of it or if they'rethe truth. She says her father will die someday (though admittedly itdidn't have context, so I could be interpreting them wrong), but shealso mentions Cortez will die twice. The second time Cortez wondersif Grace talked to her about it, but wouldn't that mean she wouldknow he was going on a mission? At the end, I felt a bit confused.
! Allin all. Nice pacing. I wish more things happened, but that's not afault of this chapter. Despite the length it kept my interests throughout the piece.
Rating: Great
! –- Shuhan:
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! Final Verdict
! >! Excellent
! –-
! Mabel:
Protection Agencies and Necromancy by Herodadotus
! Dryish: Hey, a beginning for a new story on the section. That's always nice to see. The premise is fairly interesting and unique as well. Yes, you could argue that there is nothing new about hired swords in a fantasy setting, but the concept of such agencies certainly isn't conventional. I do like that. In the world of fantasy it is of striking importance to have fresh ideas or you will drown in the sea of forgettable mediocrity straight away. Explore with the possibilities within the limits set by logic and a certain type of realism. That way you're guaranteed to bring the reader an exciting experience. Do something that they don't expect, and always keep one step ahead of them. Your characters have clear distinctive personalities. Good. Capturing the readers' attention with gimmicks and such is a perfect hook, and while you could have possibly made it slightly better by bringing out more flavour in the dialogue, I liked how it read. There were a few inconsistencies regarding the lines of the two dwarfs, though. Mainly those of Amyx. His apparent indignation wasn't accurately conveyed by his words, but that's a minor flaw and is easily remedied by paying attention and reading out the dialogue a couple of times during the editing process.
! You are off to a Good start. I am definitely interested in seeing where this is headed.
! –-
Gizmo: Nice, a fantasy story. Idon't remember reading many fantasy stories, especially onesinvolving elves and dwarves. I'm excited to see where you take theconcept. So far, I got dwarves are prideful, elves can do magic, andnormally elves and dwarves don't get along.
! I'mlooking forward to seeing how the different races and magic play apart (and the necromancy though that'll be in future chapters).Dwarves that run a protection agency. A elf that is an officerin a Wizard's guild. There's a lot of interesting concepts to exploreintroduced, but nothing in this chapter made it feel like it neededmagic or different races yet. That said, it doesn't need to be in the first chapter. It's just something that caught my attention when reading it.
! Also, I felt the first chapter didn'tcompletely hook me into the story. The main hook so far revolvesaround the package, and personally, I feel like the package is toomysterious to peek my interests. Magical related, worth a lot ofmoney, but what's its importance to the overall story?
! Here's what I got from the charactersso far.
! Amyx: He's confident in his abilitiesand hates protection detail.
! Simr: He's old, likes to drink, and isan important person at the firm.
! Elf is eccentric. An oddball but not necessarily stupid or unskilled. One thing I wonderedwas if the Elf was going to follow the elves. The elf did seem tostay in the bar for awhile and seemed to luck out on the fact thatthe bartender knew where the elves were going instead of planning itto be that way.
! The writing is pretty clear. It's short and easy to read, but not too much happens. One line stuck out to me:
! The bartender could only stammer. Ican't even follow where this guy is taking a conversation! Hethought.
! The elf's wordchoice kept bouncing from little kid to adult, but overall theconversation seemed pretty straightforward.
! Rating: Good
! –-
! Shuhan:
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! Final verdict
! >! Excellent
! –-
! Mabel: Spirit Wolf by Kitsune Inferno
! Dryish: Yeah, this one's much better than the Concerto chapter I read earlier. Your skills really shine through when the chapter is heavily dialogue-driven and does not solely depend on whatever happens in the world of the storyline. Such a pleasurable read.
Miki originally being a human was pretty predictable and the reveal rather anticlimactic, but that doesn't make it any worse. It has value as character development, and I think that you made the right decision in telling us all that now instead of keeping it in store for later. It makes the interaction between him and Nukka a lot more interesting.
! Nukilik's introduction is a good thing as well. A broader cast is always an improvement. What kind of disturbs me about it, though, was how he conducted himself. As someone who has read fantasy stories based on wolf mythos, I was expecting something more dignified, mysterious and… less human? His attitude both before and after the "shift" strikes me as that of a teenager. If he seriously hated Nukka for being a bad person, he would seemed more threatening. "I hate and despise you for being responsible of the death of my crush, so bugger off please," feels just weird. It was too neutral. But maybe I'm just nitpicking here.
! This was a Good chapter.
! –-
Gizmo: The chapter mostlyjust introduces Nukilik as a new character/traveling companion. Thedynamic between Nukilik and the other two are set up well. It's justa matter of where it goes from here. It's interesting to see theconcept of the Spirit Wolf from Nukilik's perspective and hopefullyget to know more about his character.
! Nukilik: Malicioustowards Nukka. Soft around kids. Loved Tikaani. The dynamic betweenhim and the other two are set up. It's just a question of whereit goes from here.
! It's nice to learnmore about Miki this chapter and get that quick backstory. It's alsogood to see a stronger side to Miki while he still kept his childishoutlook.
! One thing I wasn'tsure about is how the story is going with the Spirits of the wolveswhose bodies are in possession of their owners. Are they still therein the body as part of the subconscious mind? Or are they really goneand this is all really just the two honoring their memory? Mikiasking to speak with Nukka and Tikaani's words at the end confusedme a bit, though ambiguity might be what you're going for. Either way, I feel like this question is part of the story's journey as well which is why I don't consider it a fault. I just assumed the way Miki interpreted it is just that. His interpretation and not fact. Yet.
! Rating: Excellent
! Monthly Bonus:Settling a score: I'm interpreting Nukka's chewout as one.
! –-
! Shuhan:
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! Final Verdict
! >! Excellent
! –-
! Mabel: Working Title by piratemarimp
! Dryish: Welp, this chapter was short. There isn't all that much I can say about it. I wish you would write more, because your style is pleasantly easy to read and your formatting looks good to the eye. There is also the fact that the two chapters thus far don't bring us very far, making it hard to form an actual opinion on what the plot might be like and whether it is interesting enough to keep both the author and the audience occupied for longer. I would like to see more descriptions to go with the dialogue, because even though it gets tiresome to read if there is too much of it, it's still plays an important role in making the readers aware of the feelings and thoughts of the characters themselves. Also, when you are writing paragraphs that consist of nothing than action descriptions, be careful with excessive use of pronouns. If you use the word "He" too often, the text becomes stiff and a bit boring to read. Try to maintain the flow.
! I like this, but we need to see more. Good.
! –-
Gizmo:
A fantasy taleinvolving talking ravens, Fenrir, his son, and Wizard. It's a quickread. Not too much happens, but it's a good pace and a quick read.
! The reveal alongwith the intrigue of the raven on the boy has my interests, and theending leaves a small hook to keep me interested in what's going onin the world, but it's not enough of a hook. This and the other chapter feels like a nice introduction, but not a beginning to the real story yet. I wish there was more ofan idea on where the story is going.
! One thing thatstuck out to mind is both the raven the son of Fenrir seemed toforget that he was talking to the Raven to get info on the Wizard ofArgentine. The Raven I get would be shocked over the news, and he didremember later. The human though just seemed to straight up forgetabout it.
! Another thing thatstuck out is the end with the raven adamantly refusing to admit he'sinterested in the human. It's a good gag, I'm just concerned about itbeing overused too much. By the third time, it started to gettedious. The use itself is fine, I would just suggest moderation. Italso nicely sets up their dynamic as a traveling duo.
! Otherwise, likeyour other works, it's short, to the point, but well written. I'djust suggest to keep writing more and more.
! Rating: Good
! –-
! Shuhan:
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! Final verdict
! >! Excellent
! –-
! Mabel: Yukino by ChesCa! Dryish: This chapter felt like a necessary filler part that was only there to create an air of the calm before the storm. Issei at the Brown Burrow, him trying to find out more about Yukino's extraordinary abilities, and Yukino's own dream that ends abruptly making her anxious and fearful are all things we have already seen before. The jokes were good, the descriptions as magnificent as always, and the interaction between Issei and Yukino nice to read, but as a build-up chapter this wasn't as spectacular as the preceding chapters have been.
Other than that I don't have anything to say. I like Yukino so much that I didn't really mind a slower chapter at all, because it managed to achieve what it set out to do. A Good chapter, in my opinion, but it could have had more things happen. Maybe the Black Paper People should have done something?
! –-
Gizmo:
Another chapter ofSummer. One thing I really liked was the various callbacks to theolder chapters.
! The Brown Burrowscenes always leave me conflicted. On the one hand, they never feelnecessary, but it's nice to get to know Dr. Issei outside his therapysessions with Yukino. As mentioned, the callback to the rabbits was nice and a bit nostalgic.
! The therapy sessionalso felt like it didn't make much progress. It just seemed toreconfirm traits about Yukino that Dr. Issei (and the readers) knewabout her. Yet, on a personal level I feel like therapy is meant to be a marathon so sessions like this are bound to occur, where progress isn't made which is why I don't think personally it's a fault. Her need for control is nicely exemplified by her dislike for games involving chance.
! I have no ideawhat's going on Yukino's mind. What is she trying to hide? Is it justtrying to not reveal that one secret or does she just like being incontrol of the therapy session? This along with the last few chaptershave been suggesting she does plan what she's saying in her sessionsyet I'm not really getting an idea on how much control she reallydoes have over the sessions. Is it going her way or Dr. Issei's? I'massuming it's meant to be ambiguous, but I do wish there was a bitmore clarity.
! Also, Dr. Issei seemed to forget that he has “proof”that she was lying to him. It seems odd, to me at least, he doesn'tseem to question what's real or made up, even mentally to himself.
! The dream sequencealso felt like it didn't do much, but I did get the idea that even ifshe didn't want to visit the place, she'd be forced to whenever shedreams which is what I assume the main point of it was.
! It's only thatfeeling of stagnation that prevents this from giving it an excellentgrade. The dialogue feels very real for the two characters and themannerisms and interactions are well done. It'snice to see little mannerisms of Yukino throughout the session aswell to signify how she's feeling (I'm assuming Yukino doesn't planher mannerisms out and the reactions are genuine, though it'd bereally clever of her if that's a part of her plan as well).
! Rating: Great
! Monthly Bonus:Settling the Score (Interpreting the Brown Burrow scene as Dr. Isseigiving his revenge on the owner)
! –-
! Shuhan:
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! Final Verdict
! >! Excellent
! –-
! Mabel: –- _Thank you, loyal readers, writers, judges, and organizers.~ We had what appears to be a fun batch and it seems like Dryish's reviews are slowly building a nest for some reason (which appears to be gone now… hmmm I'm keeping an eye on you, bird). Also, special thanks to Mabel for insightful omniscient wisdom.And most of all, special thanks to Uncle Kenny for organizing this month. This would have been his post to make, but a hard-working guy like him could use this vacation.~ Let's give him a big round of applause for his continued, unwavering dedication. Until next month.~_
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Audio reviews? Way to just throw the bar to the top of a damn mountain shu, anyways, review more.
Also, congrats to Keo, haven't read your story yet, but I suppose I should now.
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Oh goddammit Shuhan, you did NOT just play the Brother Bear card on me. Nobody is allowed to draw such comparisons ever. :I
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Oh goddammit Shuhan, you did NOT just play the Brother Bear card on me. Nobody is allowed to draw such comparisons ever. :I
You must have forgotten that I did that the moment you pitched your SW story to me eons ago. XD
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The king's delusional and the princesses brainwashed personalities concern me as well. Both seem very generic and not very interesting to someone who has read fantasy fiction before. If those traits have an actual importance and relevance to the main plot, then it's fine, but if the people in question are like that only because it helps the author explain why certain events take place by offering him a safe escape route when something starts getting illogical and unrealistic… Well, that is just lazy. I hope you know what you are doing. @Gizmo:
Onething that threw me off was her conversations. I can't tell if thoseare just things she's saying because she's out of it or if they'rethe truth. She says her father will die someday (though admittedly itdidn't have context, so I could be interpreting them wrong), but shealso mentions Cortez will die twice. The second time Cortez wondersif Grace talked to her about it, but wouldn't that mean she wouldknow he was going on a mission? At the end, I felt a bit confused.
Lemme tie both of these together because both concerns are related. Without spoiling much, let me say that Stella is extremely pivotal to the core story. She's probably the character I've spent the most time carefully crafting, but her true purpose in the story is going to be revealed very very slowly. She's not even a point of view character yet!
This chapter, while Cortez is indeed the viewpoint character, is just as much about Stella. We're not going to see her much more in the first book unfortunately, but the most important thing to note is that no single character is going to give you a complete view of Stella. Dimitri, Cortez, and one more Arcanzian PoV will all interact with her, but nobody will really be able to give you a complete view of who Stella is. And that's one of the big prevailing questions, especially in the early game: Who is Stella and where does she fit into the grand scheme of things? I can assure that once we eventually get into her shoes, that question still will not have a complete answer, so it's a really slow-burning plot point, but hopefully an enjoyable one. Regardless, I understand your frustration.
Thank you for the reviews, of course. Your feedback is as appreciated as ever.~
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
You must have forgotten that I did that the moment you pitched your SW story to me eons ago. XD
No I remember. Too plainly.
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Yeah… I'm sorry about the reviews, guys. The day they were meant to be posted, my computer crapped out on me. And the day after, my mom wanted me to spend the night at her house in the boonies. It was really last second and I had to choose between posting the reviews or seeing my sisters and brother that I never get to really hang around. At first, I even chose you guys but then I thought about it and figured that my siblings have been separated from me for too long now and deserved to see me again so I changed my mind.
But I see that Kitsune was able to get my PM (Thank God; it didn't tell me that it sent it and I thought that crapped out on me too) so I'm glad everything wasn't a total catastrophe. And for that reason, I think Kitsu deserves all the thanks.
This month wasn't my proudest.~
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Nah, all I did was make the post and add a bunch of Mabel GIFs because why not
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That's fine.
If I made the post there would have been more naked girls on motorcycles, though.~
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Everyone knows Mabel is better than… whatever you just said.
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Shuhan loved and tolerated everyone and gave everybody an excellent
Also congrats to the writers and jury for doing such a great job and to the winner ofcourse!
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Congratulations to Keo!!!!! And thank you to both Kenny and Kitty! I hope you had fun with your family, Kenny-boy :)
And no wonder you had to wait for Dena to leave, Shushu. XD
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I vote that Mabel be a reviewer every month.
Also Shushu.
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Audio reviews? Way to just throw the bar to the top of a damn mountain shu, anyways, review more.
Oh goddammit Shuhan, you did NOT just play the Brother Bear card on me. Nobody is allowed to draw such comparisons ever. :I
I apologize dude…but it's there...and I done uncovered it...
@metteminne:
Shuhan loved and tolerated everyone and gave everybody an excellent
And no wonder you had to wait for Dena to leave, Shushu. XD
heh, it's hard enough trying to talk to my phone recording and not sounding like a complete doof, last thing I needed was a "Who are you talking to?" coming on to a recording…
@Kitsune:I vote that Mabel be a reviewer every month.
Also Shushu.
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you misspelled my name! who is this piratemarimp?
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@metteminne:
but it has a nice sound to it
It sounds like a pokemon. or possibly even a Yugioh duel monster.
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It sounds like a pokemon. or possibly even a Yugioh duel monster.
and it rhymes with pimp
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@metteminne:
and it rhymes with pimp
So am I a demon pimp now?
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anyone who has Croc in their sig is a pimp…so....yes?
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I'm okay with this then.
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Congrats to Keo for winning. :) That's really good for a first entry.
As for my critiques, yeah Summer is a slow saga with not a lot happening and I admit there's not a lot of payoff in the Yukino story (there will be payoff in the Yukino universe though.)
As for the Black Paper Village being absent, well….more or less she's going into a deeper stage of sleep and can't get out. The Black Paper People will be back for the remaining two arcs though. -
Oh, gosh… where do I start? sniffles First off I'd like to thank my mother's placenta for everything it did to begin my life.... Just kidding, lol, but I really do appreciate it guys. I tend to have a bad... err, attitude towards myself and my writing so getting wins on a forum really do inspire me to continue trying. I look forward to writing more, and participating in this community as you guys are all awesome. Hell, I don't have to tell you that. You remixed Journey to be about writing. What more could I say?
In regards to the criticisms...I have more to say. I agree it is a bit repetitive, and I feel some chapters could be edited out after reading it, but it was all written in the spurious glory of the moment, so I can't bring myself to chop anything off. I was told to add sexiness to the story by my ex/not ex GF (it's complicated) and upon reflection I felt the story could use it. Sadly, sex scenes are the bane of my existence it seems, and I'm terribly too logical to be good at them really, but I'm steadily trying to improve. Tara is hard to pinpoint (read: that's why "it's complicated") in the story because she's meant to be so, it's not an accident of writing. She's an oddball of a girl who has a mix of nerdiness, hippieness, and hipsterness with a touch of bi-polar added on. If you met her inspiration, you'd likely be just as confused. Lastly, as for pin pointing references, I thought on it, but I decided against it. Choosing one thing would in fact help to define his character, but that's the problem really. Kel is meant to be, as much as he can, a real person. How do you defining a real person's taste by one motif? It's impossible. Even goth kids can listen to Reba on an off-day.
Besides that wall of text there, I'm humbled to pure meekness by your compliments of how awesomely epic I am. Thanks again.
P.S. If you have time, check my signature and go vote for me in that contest. Apologies for not alerting any of you about it, but I entered my story the day of the deadline myself. Any future competitions I'll be sure to post here as well.