Guess I had some things on my mind. Maybe a retrospective. Last year seems like one huge blur for me, since it was one of the years where I somehow got healthcare and taking advantage of that, I considered going into therapy after this breaking point(not going into detail) where I felt like I really needed some help.
It was a really shitty time for me. The worst part of this all was when a small group of what I considered were my closest friends decided to actively ignore me for a long period of time. It got the the point where I eventually talked to the therapist about it and eventually decide to cut them off from my life. I still talk to them every once in a while, but as acquaintances without the emotional attachment or obligation to actually care about stuff going on in their own personal lives. It felt unfortunate at first(maybe a little passive aggressive considering that I'm comfortable with ignoring them whenever personal matters come up in a conversation), but I'm feeling like a much better person thanks to this decision. Why invest into myself into people won't do the same for me?
This year, unfortunately my income does not qualify me for another few months of therapy sessions.. But I feel like I don't need it anymore? I'm not only more mentally stable, I've also learned to be more assertive of feelings that I would have rather kept to myself due to being shy or deeply afraid. The latter is a completely different subject on its own, and I really don't want to make this a long superpost.. But to sum it up. I guess I've always felt like others would call me out for being myself, when these same people would do shitty things or just ARE shitty people. This made me go through alot of self reflection trying to figure out if there was a right or correct way to act, and in the end… I realised there wasn't much of a point of trying to mold myself into an image that's appropriate for shitty people. Especially when I have friends (and a wonderful gf) that would not want me to change. However, I still get worried about being called out for the dumbest/simplest little thing at times. It isn't always bad since I'm better at arguing or reasoning with people that might misinterpret me. But it's a problem whenever I'm introduced to a new setting or a crowd of people that I never met, especially when I desperately want to speak up. I guess being comfortable with possible rejection is the next big thing I have to work on.
Anyway. I wanted to put some of my thoughts on this board somewhere. Just felt obligated to since it's been a while.