Thanks T^T .
Confession Session II
-
Thanks T^T .
-
you can message me if you feel like it. Not that I'll be of big help but I can try..
-
The pat in the head is okay for now.
-
I confess that I'm extremely pleased Hover was banned.
Also, that's great news Nolus. In the vein of what Satsuki said.
-
today has been the first day in weeks that I can honestly say it was a good day. Progress, yay.
-
-
I've been not feeling depressed but rather empty these days. Not feeling really anything. I thought i would go out with friends today or something but then that little part of me that hates the whole world just tells me "Fuck everyone" and tells me to stay in but i don't feel like doing anything here either. Dunno, just been feeling empty.
Also, writer's block but that's always a given.
-
sounds like depression to me :(
-
Fuck then. .
Edit: Oh yes, full-on depression just kicked in now.
-
! So my first time at the psychologist seemed to be good. She's a really nice woman and she probably knows what she's doing. I couldn't possibly tell her everything in one go but what I did manage to say, she replied like "I know" "It's okay" and such (when I couldn't answer the simple question of "what do I feel the problem is".
! So I guess the began something. Hope it's not a dead-end.
! I'm currently in the state of not seeing my worth as a person and everything I accomplish seems eh. -
I'm so glad. A first meeting isn't going to solve everything or explain everything of course, but it's a start.
-
Was it good that I was born? This question is on my mind lately. I genuinely dont like anything and every single person I met in my life annoys me in some way. I force myself to do stuff and to interact with people. Nothing comes by heart. The only time I like people and have a desire to do something is when I'm high/drunk. Is there a way out of this, except suicide?
-
Was it good that I was born? This question is on my mind lately. I genuinely dont like anything and every single person I met in my life annoys me in some way. I force myself to do stuff and to interact with people. Nothing comes by heart. The only time I like people and have a desire to do something is when I'm high/drunk. Is there a way out of this, except suicide?
Well, first of all, suicide is never a solution.
Thing is, as difficult as it is for us to be able to see, our presence in this world always matters, considerably so. It's hard to notice because we're always stuck in our brains 24/7 but it's hard to be human and not have interacted with others at one point or other. And for good or not, each and every interaction of that sort has a repercussion in peoples lives.
There is no good or bad about being born. The world did change from it, but it's not like we can look at the changes and quantifiably determine whether it was good or bad impact, since time keeps on going and there is no world in which you don't exist. Because of that, it's completely out of our control and knowledge to determine the intrinsic value of your impact on the world.However, just because we can't know that doesn't mean we can't make sure that we make the most out of our life to make sure that you have a good impact on those around you, and usually the best way to accomplish that is to be the best version of yourself possible. If forcing yourself to interact with others and if people annoy you, perhaps that isn't the way to go, but that doesn't mean that you can't have an impact on their life or on the world. More importantly, it doesn't mean that you can't give intrinsic value to your own life. That is completely under your control.
As for not wanting to do things, there are many possibilities. It is always possible that you haven't yet found the one thing that appeals to you. It is always possible that not finding joy in things means that you are expecting the wrong sort of pleasure for them … maybe you're expecting short bursts of pleasure and comfort like the sort that alcohol and drugs cause in your body, but that's not how all things are.
It is also definitely possible that you have a particular psychological condition where your threshold of arousal is much higher and as a result it is not as easy for you to feel pleasure or interest from common things like social interaction, activity and other things. There's plenty of people who experience this, and if it is something that bothers you in your day to day life and makes you question the value of your life, then I would recommend seeing a therapist to make sure there is nothing clinical wrong with you and to have someone professional who can help you find ways to feel enriched and engaged.
In any case it might be, finding someone qualified to talk to can help you deal with this, whether it is a result of personality, genetics, past experiences, etc.And again, death is never a solution to anything. It only brings pain to everyone.
-
Was it good that I was born? This question is on my mind lately. I genuinely dont like anything and every single person I met in my life annoys me in some way. I force myself to do stuff and to interact with people. Nothing comes by heart. The only time I like people and have a desire to do something is when I'm high/drunk. Is there a way out of this, except suicide?
Well, sometimes it takes time. For me it took a lot of time for me to find people i geniunely can call friends. For a long time i was (and sometimes still am) the weird out of place one. Somewhere out there i'm sure there are people that can make you really happy that you are yourself. A lot of people can annoy us but just think of them as the road to the really great ones that are waiting for you. Don't get disheartened. And if you do, well there is always this thread here. We can be less lonely or desperate together i guess.
-
So, what's a good way to ignore the gnawing emptyness in your self that it's slowly devouring you from your legs and your interior and makes you hate everyone and everybody but specially you? I was just thinking of laying on the floor and wait for death but it's dirty. I have to tidy up (joke, haha).
-
Nobody in my family knows this but..I'm a pothead, especially when I'm watching anime or playing video games..I.try as much as possible not to let it intefere with my day to day activities. I graduated recently so I'm kinda using that as an excuse to seriously blaze up. Feels telling the world. :)
-
I confess that I feel very satisfied whenever I come in 1st at Mario Kart 7, beating people from Japan and the States specifically in World mode.
I'm all like "What Now! Canada, bitches!"
It's especially good if their point count thingy is over 2000.
-
! So today things came crushing down at me again. There wasn't rly a particulary reason besides the fact I can't pay rent for my room in Hamburg. So I've decided "That's it, I can't go on, I don't want to go on anymore. it's all for nothing. Fuck this all." So, I didn't waste any thoughts on a goodbye letter or anything, I just wanted it to be done with. So with my laptop and a sharp knife and my smokes I went into my bathroom and started cutting. All I thought was "dammit, this hurts, why must even dead be painful? I should get some alcohol first but if I wait till I'm drunk I might change my mind…" then I remembered I had to put my clothes from the washing machine into the dryer. So I did that. Not that it made any sense. Who needs clean clothes when there won't be a next day? But doing that actually helped. Cause I started thinking "Suicide on almost new year's eve? What a cliché." Then I remembered the movie "A long way down" and that I'd actually like to watch that again. I like that one female character so much. And that one dude.
I had many other thoughts while putting all those wet clothes into the dryer. Usually, the only thing that would always keep me from doing something stupid, was those huge funeral charges my dad would need to pay and how fuckin selfish that would be off me. Yes. Not the fact that my dad and many other people would actually be sad that I'm gone, they'd get over it, but the huge debts for a fucking coffin and a stone keeps me from killing myself. So I went outside and had another smoke and another thought hit me. What if my dad would actually be relieved? Just like he and I both felt relieved years back when we read my mothers goodbye letter (She still lives, unfortunately.). We just wanted it to be done with and move on with our lifes. So what if he actually would be happy about my death? Fuck, that hit me like bricks.
And in that moment my dad came around.
And saved my life. Like he always does. And scolded me for being dressed like a hobo.
I told him my thought and he pretended to slap my face. And dressed me right. And while crying and more crying I said that I don't want to go back to hamburg cuz I have no one there to prevent me from something stupid.
So now it's decided I move back in with my dad. And I need to think about what I really want to do with my life. Again. He said, as long as I find something I want to do with my life, he will be here and help me however he can. I should just focus on this big task of "Finding a sense in this mess of a life".
And this is how my suicide was prevented and I got a little hope back. Just a tiny little hope. But it's enough. For now.Posting this to give others a piece of hope? maybe it helps. it probably won't. I tried.
-
It does Help, don't say that. Thanks for sharing Nami.
-
It does Help, don't say that. Thanks for sharing Nami.
that's good :) I'm glad. And you. yes you. Pris. If you EVER feel like doing something stupid, come to me. and if it's just to vent.
-
Oh thanks. I'm sorry but i have to ask. Did someone told you about what i said in a chat yesterday? I was feeling really bad but i won't do it (won't get mad if someone told you, don't worry). Thanks for the concern tho.
-
Thank you dad. You don't hear that as much. For some reason society puts a lot more emphasis on moms when it comes to parenting. I love my mom and all but dads like to be appreciated too.
Your dad is awesome, Nami.
-
Oh thanks. I'm sorry but i have to ask. Did someone told you about what i said in a chat yesterday? I was feeling really bad but i won't do it (won't get mad if someone told you, don't worry). Thanks for the concern tho.
no, but I see lots of your posts here, so I'm worried naturally :<
Thank you dad. You don't hear that as much. For some reason society puts a lot more emphasis on moms when it comes to parenting. I love my mom and all but dads like to be appreciated too.
Your dad is awesome, Nami.
my dad is like a cool version of superman!
wow, I just woke up and everything from last night feels 30milion years ago.
-
12 years ago to the day, my mother and I were in a car accident. We were T-Boned by a speeding driver while making a turn. It almost killed my mom and REALLY shook me up.
Today, one of my best friends in the whole wide world was in the EXACT same accident.
Luckily, she was in the same part of the car I was since they drive on the wrong side of the road in her country (Aus), so she's overall ok, but her car was really messed up…
-
! I'm at a low point again, but I've survived Christmas and I guess that's a good thing. Right now I'm not sure. Maybe it'd be better to just let go of everything and die. But i can't do it, because my friends would blame themselves because of me stupidity and I can't stand that. It's like a trap.
! I just want to fly, fly as far as I can and touch the clouds. I just want to escape all these feelings that haunt me and end it all. I could probably fly for a few seconds, but I'd certainly die and that'd make my friends blame themselves and I don't want that.
! Just make these feeling go away please. Help me. -
Have you talked with your psychiatrist you've been seeing about this Nolus? I'm sure it can help you.
-
Have you talked with your psychiatrist you've been seeing about this Nolus? I'm sure it can help you.
I'm afraid to call her, because it's technically still holiday time over here, I think.
I'm feeling a bit better though. I'm not drunk anymore I think.
-
! I hate being a female. I like my body, but I hate certain aspects of being a female.
I hate that everyone wants me to be more like a woman, and only my friends would actually be okay with me dressing like a man/boy. I hate how this all makes me feel inferior and unlovable in a romantic way. I hate that I always get how I'm emotional BECAUSE I'm a woman, I like fantasy BECAUSE I'm a woman, but when I like something like a game with tons of tanks in it, I'm suddenly too boyish and not a good candidate for a girlfriend, at least in a heterosexual relationship.
! I'm afraid no boy will truly love me for what I am, no one will ever say they love how I look, and how I dress and that I'm the way I am.
! I hate being exploited, but I'll forever do it again because I'm hungry for love and I'm hungry for someone who to touch me and make me feel I'm not a ruin of a human being. Even though I know it"s all wrong.
! I feel ashamed that I've had a one night stand against my will, and that it was so one sided. I gave three blowjobs and probably would've given my virginity too if it wasn't for my period. I feel like a whore.
! I just want someone to stand in front of me, hold up a shield and save me from all of this. But I'm ashamed because it means I'm weak and I want a knight in shining armor to save me, like a spoiled princess.
! I was dangerously close to jumping yesterday. I literally sat out in the window, on the edge. I just couldn't do it because I knew that boy would've felt it was his fault and that I'd probably cause the people who'd find my body really hard times.
Maybe if I jump into the Danube, my body will disappear. In the middle of the night I'm sure there are no people there. -
! I hate being a female. I like my body, but I hate certain aspects of being a female.
I hate that everyone wants me to be more like a woman, and only my friends would actually be okay with me dressing like a man/boy. I hate how this all makes me feel inferior and unlovable in a romantic way. I hate that I always get how I'm emotional BECAUSE I'm a woman, I like fantasy BECAUSE I'm a woman, but when I like something like a game with tons of tanks in it, I'm suddenly too boyish and not a good candidate for a girlfriend, at least in a heterosexual relationship.
! I'm afraid no boy will truly love me for what I am, no one will ever say they love how I look, and how I dress and that I'm the way I am.
! I hate being exploited, but I'll forever do it again because I'm hungry for love and I'm hungry for someone who to touch me and make me feel I'm not a ruin of a human being. Even though I know it"s all wrong.
! I feel ashamed that I've had a one night stand against my will, and that it was so one sided. I gave three blowjobs and probably would've given my virginity too if it wasn't for my period. I feel like a whore.
! I just want someone to stand in front of me, hold up a shield and save me from all of this. But I'm ashamed because it means I'm weak and I want a knight in shining armor to save me, like a spoiled princess.
! I was dangerously close to jumping yesterday. I literally sat out in the window, on the edge. I just couldn't do it because I knew that boy would've felt it was his fault and that I'd probably cause the people who'd find my body really hard times.
Maybe if I jump into the Danube, my body will disappear. In the middle of the night I'm sure there are no people there.! Whoever says you should be more "womanly" is an ass, deciding how feminine or masculine you want to be is your decision. Also, who says liking fantasy is a woman thing? Do you know how many men love fantasy? How many gamers love fantasy games? Look at World of Warcraft, it's one of the biggest games out there and it's High Fantasy. Hell, ONE PIECE is fantasy; this is a manga about magic fruits and pirates traveling a world full of giants and mermaids/men and sea monsters and sky islands and tons of other stuff!
! I also don't know who's telling you this, but liking a game with tanks in it or whatnot would not be a deterrent to most guys as far as I know. If anything, it would mean that they could actually connect with you about similar games.
! But here's the big thing: That one night stand? You REALLY should talk to your psychiatrist about that. That's something she should know if she can help you. If you can try and tell her, I think it would really help.
! But don't jump! Not jumping because you're thinking of others shows how good a person you are, which shows how much you're worth!! -
! I hate being a female. I like my body, but I hate certain aspects of being a female.
I hate that everyone wants me to be more like a woman, and only my friends would actually be okay with me dressing like a man/boy. I hate how this all makes me feel inferior and unlovable in a romantic way. I hate that I always get how I'm emotional BECAUSE I'm a woman, I like fantasy BECAUSE I'm a woman, but when I like something like a game with tons of tanks in it, I'm suddenly too boyish and not a good candidate for a girlfriend, at least in a heterosexual relationship.
! I'm afraid no boy will truly love me for what I am, no one will ever say they love how I look, and how I dress and that I'm the way I am.
! I hate being exploited, but I'll forever do it again because I'm hungry for love and I'm hungry for someone who to touch me and make me feel I'm not a ruin of a human being. Even though I know it"s all wrong.
! I feel ashamed that I've had a one night stand against my will, and that it was so one sided. I gave three blowjobs and probably would've given my virginity too if it wasn't for my period. I feel like a whore.
! I just want someone to stand in front of me, hold up a shield and save me from all of this. But I'm ashamed because it means I'm weak and I want a knight in shining armor to save me, like a spoiled princess.
! I was dangerously close to jumping yesterday. I literally sat out in the window, on the edge. I just couldn't do it because I knew that boy would've felt it was his fault and that I'd probably cause the people who'd find my body really hard times.
Maybe if I jump into the Danube, my body will disappear. In the middle of the night I'm sure there are no people there.! Maybe try calling a life line if you feel suicidal and you are afraid of calling your psychiatrist.
People who would reject you because of the way you dress are not worth your time, even if it's not easy to find people, who would accept you, it's because people are shits or too afraid to act decently, not because there is something wrong with you.
! There is no need to blame yourself for sex. Not ever. That also goes for sex you had in order to satisfy some other psychological needs. There is nothing impure about it. If I understood you correctly you forced yourself to do it. Or were you persuaded of forced? Have you voiced your concerns with the matter to your partner?
You did nothing wrong, please don't feel guilty, I'm afraid, that if person, who received blow job from you, knew you weren't quite comfortable with the situation, he may use your guilt to control and abuse you.
! It's okay to be weak. There is nothing wrong with needing someone. There is nothing wrong with desiring someone who would protect you. There is nothing shameful about being weak or having some weakness. Honestly, the fact that you still alive proves, that you posses great strength.
In our culture we have a lot of narrations glorifying strength, strong spirit and self sufficiency, also emotional self-sufficiency. So you think those things are measurements of good or successful life and you feel inadequate, when you see you are lacking those. But those are false mirages. In truth in various moments of our lives we need to emotionally depend on others. Needing and wanting support doesn't make you any weaker.
! You are one of the kindest people I've ever met in the Internet. Please don't kill yourself. -
! Whoever says you should be more "womanly" is an ass, deciding how feminine or masculine you want to be is your decision. Also, who says liking fantasy is a woman thing? Do you know how many men love fantasy? How many gamers love fantasy games? Look at World of Warcraft, it's one of the biggest games out there and it's High Fantasy. Hell, ONE PIECE is fantasy; this is a manga about magic fruits and pirates traveling a world full of giants and mermaids/men and sea monsters and sky islands and tons of other stuff!
! I also don't know who's telling you this, but liking a game with tanks in it or whatnot would not be a deterrent to most guys as far as I know. If anything, it would mean that they could actually connect with you about similar games.
! But here's the big thing: That one night stand? You REALLY should talk to your psychiatrist about that. That's something she should know if she can help you. If you can try and tell her, I think it would really help.
! But don't jump! Not jumping because you're thinking of others shows how good a person you are, which shows how much you're worth!!! One of the teachers at uni said that fantasy is more a woman-thing.
And two boys told me that they're ok with boyish personality but not really with boyish looks.
! Maybe I can connect with boys that way, but they will only see me as a friend because I'm not girly enough.
! I just really feel ashamed of the whole thing. I wasn't really forced to do it, and enjoyed it sorta, but looking back, I feel I've made a huge mistake. At least my period prevented me from doing a bigger one.
I guess I did it because I thought it was going to be a serious relationship. I'm such a fool.! Maybe try calling a life line if you feel suicidal and you are afraid of calling your psychiatrist.
People who would reject you because of the way you dress are not worth your time, even if it's not easy to find people, who would accept you, it's because people are shits or too afraid to act decently, not because there is something wrong with you.
! There is no need to blame yourself for sex. Not ever. That also goes for sex you had in order to satisfy some other psychological needs. There is nothing impure about it. If I understood you correctly you forced yourself to do it. Or were you persuaded of forced? Have you voiced your concerns with the matter to your partner?
You did nothing wrong, please don't feel guilty, I'm afraid, that if person, who received blow job from you, knew you weren't quite comfortable with the situation, he may use your guilt to control and abuse you.
! It's okay to be weak. There is nothing wrong with needing someone. There is nothing wrong with desiring someone who would protect you. There is nothing shameful about being weak or having some weakness. Honestly, the fact that you still alive proves, that you posses great strength.
In our culture we have a lot of narrations glorifying strength, strong spirit and self sufficiency, also emotional self-sufficiency. So you think those things are measurements of good or successful life and you feel inadequate, when you see you are lacking those. But those are false mirages. In truth in various moments of our lives we need to emotionally depend on others. Needing and wanting support doesn't make you any weaker.
! You are one of the kindest people I've ever met in the Internet. Please don't kill yourself.! I don't think I was forced. But I was certainly manipulated. I mean, what could've I done when the boy started kissing me on the mouth and the neck and stroked my back. It all felt so good. And it also felt good to make him feel good. But now I think he made all this so I would pleasure him. I don't know. He says it was all sincere and such, but I just don't know.
-
! One of the teachers at uni said that fantasy is more a woman-thing.
And two boys told me that they're ok with boyish personality but not really with boyish looks.
! Maybe I can connect with boys that way, but they will only see me as a friend because I'm not girly enough.
! I just really feel ashamed of the whole thing. I wasn't really forced to do it, and enjoyed it sorta, but looking back, I feel I've made a huge mistake. At least my period prevented me from doing a bigger one.
I guess I did it because I thought it was going to be a serious relationship. I'm such a fool.! I don't think I was forced. But I was certainly manipulated. I mean, what could've I done when the boy started kissing me on the mouth and the neck and stroked my back. It all felt so good. And it also felt good to make him feel good. But now I think he made all this so I would pleasure him. I don't know. He says it was all sincere and such, but I just don't know.
! first of you don't own a boy sex or anything for kissing and stroking you. He also shouldn't kiss you without your permission, basically verbal permission is better, because it's clear and it gives you more assurance that you indeed agreed on all that, but if he leaned to kiss you and you made a move towards him to allow him that is fine as well - but if you don't affirm this verbally, you won't likely remember what you've done in that split of second and you'd be forever unsure if you've wanted to be kissed or not.
it's likely that he hoped for an outcome, where you pleasured him, but that doesn't mean he purposefully manipulated you. Manipulation would mean, that he used or invoked in you you feelings to override your will on the matter- in that case, that he wanted you to give him a blowjob, regardless if you wanted to or not (he might have use the fact, that you felt obligation to do that).
If you were to continue anything with this guy you both need to learn to communicate your desires, needs and concerns better.
! Now you may feel ashamed, because you don't know if what you did with him were consensual or not, and you feel violated, but at the same time you are not sure if violation happened. Either way, this situation doesn't fit to your idea, about haw sex should happen and you blame yourself for letting this happen. You may also feel guilty about being so uncertain about this situation. But I want you to know, there is nothing wrong with being uncertain. There is also nothing wrong with what you did with this guy. If he indeed manipulated you, although it doesn't seem that way, he is to blame, not you. There is nothing you should be ashamed of. But it's also understandable, that you feel guilty and ashamed in such situation. You don't need to blame yourself for having such feelings, but they will require working them out, possibly with your therapist.
If you want to distance yourself from that guy - it's okay - do whatever you feel would be safest for you. If you feel that for some reason you can't let him on your problem, than it's probably the best option not to continue things with him. But if you can explain situation to him and he accepts it, he may be some support to you.
! You may also feel inadequate about this situation because you've got from this guy what you've need and depression is fighting to get you back. Depression is sort of selfish creature, it wants to continue it's existence in your psyche and doesn't want to give you your life back, so it kicks in when something good happens and tries to overwhelm you with bad feelings about yourself. I hope it's needless to say it's not your fault. It's just how this illness works.
! You deserve all the best. I hope you get better soon. -
! I hate being a female. I like my body, but I hate certain aspects of being a female.
I hate that everyone wants me to be more like a woman, and only my friends would actually be okay with me dressing like a man/boy. I hate how this all makes me feel inferior and unlovable in a romantic way. I hate that I always get how I'm emotional BECAUSE I'm a woman, I like fantasy BECAUSE I'm a woman, but when I like something like a game with tons of tanks in it, I'm suddenly too boyish and not a good candidate for a girlfriend, at least in a heterosexual relationship.
! I'm afraid no boy will truly love me for what I am, no one will ever say they love how I look, and how I dress and that I'm the way I am.! I come from the country which is full of stereotypes, where some people still think woman should definitely be girly, feminine creature and she should do housework instead of having real job and some weird stuff. But you know what? People who define gender roles can go fuck themselves. Anyone has the right to act the way they want.
! And not the best candidate for girlfriend? No one has the right to say that about someone. Actually I believe anyone is a good girlfriend from the moment they actually fall in love.
I seem to love giving hopes and stuff or maybe I am too childish and naive, but there's no way to not exist a boy who accepts you the way you are. I could say that I truly like how you look and find you quite attractive :ninja: but I am a girl, and not my opinion you care about probably.
At least don't judge it by people around you and their tastes, the world is much bigger.! I hate being exploited, but I'll forever do it again because I'm hungry for love and I'm hungry for someone who to touch me and make me feel I'm not a ruin of a human being. Even though I know it"s all wrong.
I just want someone to stand in front of me, hold up a shield and save me from all of this. But I'm ashamed because it means I'm weak and I want a knight in shining armor to save me, like a spoiled princess.! No, no, dear. There's nothing wrong in needing someone, being hungry for love. And it's not a weakness either. Love isn't only about someone helping and saving you, it's mutual. When you love someone, when you are in a relationship, You grow as a couple, you fix each other's insecurities, troubles as much as possible, you grow as persons. Both people grow and help each other, and no one in this world is weak for needing that. And actually finding and creating that is another kind of strength too.
! I was dangerously close to jumping yesterday. I literally sat out in the window, on the edge. I just couldn't do it because I knew that boy would've felt it was his fault and that I'd probably cause the people who'd find my body really hard times.
Maybe if I jump into the Danube, my body will disappear. In the middle of the night I'm sure there are no people there.! Another one asking you here to not do it, please, please, do not lose the hope in things. You have your life ahead, you'll meet a lot wonderful people, I am sure, don't let some people ruin your life.
! I feel ashamed that I've had a one night stand against my will, and that it was so one sided. I gave three blowjobs and probably would've given my virginity too if it wasn't for my period. I feel like a whore.
! It may not be the best thing to do, but you really aren't whore for that. Especially I don't think it's too much of your fault.
-
! I'm at a low point again, but I've survived Christmas and I guess that's a good thing. Right now I'm not sure. Maybe it'd be better to just let go of everything and die. But i can't do it, because my friends would blame themselves because of me stupidity and I can't stand that. It's like a trap.
! I just want to fly, fly as far as I can and touch the clouds. I just want to escape all these feelings that haunt me and end it all. I could probably fly for a few seconds, but I'd certainly die and that'd make my friends blame themselves and I don't want that.
! Just make these feeling go away please. Help me.You don't have to walk alone and If I could hug you and if you wanted one than I would gladly give you a hug because I can't do much myself to help you
-
! I hate being a female. I like my body, but I hate certain aspects of being a female.
I hate that everyone wants me to be more like a woman, and only my friends would actually be okay with me dressing like a man/boy. I hate how this all makes me feel inferior and unlovable in a romantic way. I hate that I always get how I'm emotional BECAUSE I'm a woman, I like fantasy BECAUSE I'm a woman, but when I like something like a game with tons of tanks in it, I'm suddenly too boyish and not a good candidate for a girlfriend, at least in a heterosexual relationship.
! I'm afraid no boy will truly love me for what I am, no one will ever say they love how I look, and how I dress and that I'm the way I am.
! I hate being exploited, but I'll forever do it again because I'm hungry for love and I'm hungry for someone who to touch me and make me feel I'm not a ruin of a human being. Even though I know it"s all wrong.
! I feel ashamed that I've had a one night stand against my will, and that it was so one sided. I gave three blowjobs and probably would've given my virginity too if it wasn't for my period. I feel like a whore.
! I just want someone to stand in front of me, hold up a shield and save me from all of this. But I'm ashamed because it means I'm weak and I want a knight in shining armor to save me, like a spoiled princess.
! I was dangerously close to jumping yesterday. I literally sat out in the window, on the edge. I just couldn't do it because I knew that boy would've felt it was his fault and that I'd probably cause the people who'd find my body really hard times.
Maybe if I jump into the Danube, my body will disappear. In the middle of the night I'm sure there are no people there.Don't wait for someone to love you Nolus. What is important is that you love yourself for who you are and what you are. Love who you are even if the world scoffs at it. And if they scoff FUCK 'EM. Seriously, fuck 'em. You are a beautiful person and you should love yourself cause you are so awesome. Just love yourself and all negative things stupid fuckers and cunts say will seems minor. Cause, hey, they are. You are what's important.
also, fuck that university professor that said that. Professor may know a lot but they can be assholes. fuck them.
-
! One of the teachers at uni said that fantasy is more a woman-thing.
And two boys told me that they're ok with boyish personality but not really with boyish looks.
! Maybe I can connect with boys that way, but they will only see me as a friend because I'm not girly enough.
! I just really feel ashamed of the whole thing. I wasn't really forced to do it, and enjoyed it sorta, but looking back, I feel I've made a huge mistake. At least my period prevented me from doing a bigger one.
I guess I did it because I thought it was going to be a serious relationship. I'm such a fool.! I don't think I was forced. But I was certainly manipulated. I mean, what could've I done when the boy started kissing me on the mouth and the neck and stroked my back. It all felt so good. And it also felt good to make him feel good. But now I think he made all this so I would pleasure him. I don't know. He says it was all sincere and such, but I just don't know.
[hide] Teachers don't know everything. Academics and culture are a constantly evolving creature. Look at Tolkein, he re-shaped the fictional world as we know it and people now kneel at his feet, women AND men. J.K. Rowling and George R.R. Martin are doing the same thing right not with Harry Potter and Game of Thrones, for both genders. Your teacher's theories are not indicative of the current scene.
Also: You cannot assume the opinion of an entire gender by the opinion of only TWO boys. The tomboy look is a part of fashion as much as girly-girly, lace-filled dressed. Want proof? It's all the rage now. I mean freaking Anne Hathaway has a pixie-cut, crop-top hair style.
http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/fashion/celebrity-fashion/2013/10/tomboy-style-alexa-chung-cara-delevingne-annie-hall-katharine-hepburnI would address the last part, but I think DarkFalcon did it better. [/hide]
-
! My dad might be my saviour, but he's also the one kicking me back into depression on a regular basis. Like he did today.
I thought my letter to him would have done the trick but after a few days where he rly tried, he is now back to his grumpy old self towards me and I honestly don't know how to deal with this. Feeling unwelcomed and not loved at all. -
Oh man, family. They love one and are there for you any moment but they are also responsible for the life long traumas you will have, the crippling anxiety, the contast shitty self-esteem and the life-fucking inability to express your feelings. Uh, that's me i guess.
I mean, that's only in my side but otherwise that telling you how family can be i find myself at a loss of words :/ Maybe talk with your dad if he's not like mine? I don't know. Sometimes family is so hard.
Edit: With that's me i refer that that's how my family is. I'm not making assumptions.
-
Well, talking with my dad about serious stuff always leads to me crying my eyes out because my dad is kinda.. incapable of saying things in a nice way. He just has a very grumpy way of saying things.
That's why I usually write him e-mails or letters. Or fb messages, lol.
But I just did that last week. And I think if I'd ask him what's wrong this time he'll just pretend I'm stupid and overthinking things. Or he's mad about stuff that I already explained to him. I think he's just in general annoyed with me cuz to him it looks like I'm not doing a lot aside from oversleeping and sitting in front of my laptop all day. I just don't think he wants me here, no matter how many times he would deny it if I'd confront him with this.
Like, I know he's annoyed that I'm such a loser and he'd rather have me kick ass.. but.. yeah, that's just not how it is.
I will look into finding a flat close by, thing is it's kind of an impossible thing here. Also can't do that before I haven't made some money.
There's one thing that happened 1 1/2 years ago that has.. kinda broken our relationship. and it might be beyond repairing. I at least don't know how to do that.
I mean, isn't it kinda unnatural not to at least ASK your child where it will be for christmas? That he left me alone for christmas is a whole other story... I could probably go on a rant for the next 2hs but it's not like it's gonna solve anything. I just fucked it up. My dad and I had our good years and they're gone now.
He might not want me dead but he sure don't want me around either. -
Most broken things can be fixed. And is the relationship really broken when he let you move in with him and expressed he cares about your life? The relationship might be damaged but it doesn't sound broken to me. And damaged things can definitely be fixed even if the end product doesn't come out as spiffy and shiny as the original. Hell, sometimes it comes out better.
First thing first you need to make some steps to show him you are working hard to do something in your life. Get a job. Obviously aim high but don't be ashamed to settle for less. A job is a job. Money is money. When you have nothing and you get something that is considered a gain.
Secondly, just give it some time. Keep working, maybe offer to help pay some of the bill, plan on moving out and your relationship will hopefully improve. It's all about the dedication and the work you put in and show. You're not a loser and I highly doubt he thinks you are either.
-
Well, talking with my dad about serious stuff always leads to me crying my eyes out because my dad is kinda.. incapable of saying things in a nice way. He just has a very grumpy way of saying things.
That's why I usually write him e-mails or letters. Or fb messages, lol.
But I just did that last week. And I think if I'd ask him what's wrong this time he'll just pretend I'm stupid and overthinking things. Or he's mad about stuff that I already explained to him. I think he's just in general annoyed with me cuz to him it looks like I'm not doing a lot aside from oversleeping and sitting in front of my laptop all day. I just don't think he wants me here, no matter how many times he would deny it if I'd confront him with this.
Like, I know he's annoyed that I'm such a loser and he'd rather have me kick ass.. but.. yeah, that's just not how it is.
I will look into finding a flat close by, thing is it's kind of an impossible thing here. Also can't do that before I haven't made some money.
There's one thing that happened 1 1/2 years ago that has.. kinda broken our relationship. and it might be beyond repairing. I at least don't know how to do that.
I mean, isn't it kinda unnatural not to at least ASK your child where it will be for christmas? That he left me alone for christmas is a whole other story... I could probably go on a rant for the next 2hs but it's not like it's gonna solve anything. I just fucked it up. My dad and I had our good years and they're gone now.
He might not want me dead but he sure don't want me around either.maybe your dad just don't know how to show, that he cares in a way you understand. This often happens among people, who have very different ways of communication. In such cases people can't understand one another as they assign different meaning to their actions and signs. Things like tone of voice, facial expressions and doing every day chores can carry a lot of meaning, but one side don't always understand the other, as they have very different idea about what those meanings are. Sometimes it is just easier to understand one another with bare words alone - like while writing an e-mail.
Your dad may also have vary different grasp of things that are important in life, than you, and it takes him time find out what you find important and why, so at some points he just can't react appropriately or in a way you want and need him react. That doesn't mean, that he doesn't care or is angry at you.
I hope things get better for you. -
While it may hold true that my dad and I are a lot different from each other, it still doesn't explain his behavior. Simply said, I can nowadays figure out when he's doing something nice for me or says something nice in a weird way.
..I wanted to give examples, but I decided that I don't want to talk about stuff like this in the open (or maybe in general), so I close this case here.
Thanks for your concern and words.
-
Ahhh, my life.
[hide]I went with my mother to a hospital today (I hate hospitals), but the weather was very stuffy and hot and to make matters worse my mother had a panic attack today. She was fainting in the hospital, got legs paralyzed (unable to walk), was shaking all the time and she wanted to go home and miss the doctor at any cost.The whole course was difficult, but I used my mood to stay sane and five hours of nightmares are in the past.
A question I asked to myself was "how long my good mood will save me ?"[/hide]
-
So, i'm severely depressed. Past few weeks have been harsh on me (Too many things to tell about). But the main thing right now is that i'm doing revisions on some poems. The thing is, this book has taken a criminal toll on me. Maybe it's just the history but it feels really heavy. It took like 7 months to write it and some times when i was really immersed in it i really, really had no hope on life. Sometime i even thought of…well, you know. Yeah, you can argue that i could just leave the book. The thing is, i can't. I really feel it's a book that can make a difference in someone's life (Dunno who but someone). And it's something i really feel good at (And these last days i've had NONE of that). But it's really, really heavy.
And right now the following poem in the book is the harshest one. One that appears throughout the whole work. And i remember it was really hard because i knew what i had to write but my heart felt really wringed out by it.
-
Ahhh, my life.
[hide]I went with my mother to a hospital today (I hate hospitals), but the weather was very stuffy and hot and to make matters worse my mother had a panic attack today. She was fainting in the hospital, got legs paralyzed (unable to walk), was shaking all the time and she wanted to go home and miss the doctor at any cost.The whole course was difficult, but I used my mood to stay sane and five hours of nightmares are in the past.
A question I asked to myself was "how long my good mood will save me ?"[/hide]
Is she okay now?
-
Is she okay now?
Yes, she is, thanks for asking.
But I never know when she might get worse…
-
Yes, she is, thanks for asking.
But I never know when she might get worse…
Have the doctors considered prescribing any medication?
-
Yes, she takes a lot of medicines, but for some unknown reason, they don't seem to work.
-
After being kicked out of a school I genuinely enjoyed just before my senior year of high school, being told I had no decision in the school I would attend as a substitute, being fired from my first job at grocery store, giving up on two sports, one voluntarily and the other forcibly, I have given up on trying to make my life better. To tell the truth, I'm just a shell of my former self, a tumble weed being tossed around in the wind. In the past, I was fervently passionate about my success, to the point where I would become infuriated by failure. Now, I simply don't care about victory, and could care less about the euphoria it once gave me; I pay no mind to failure. It simply doesn't matter. At face value, this apathy is a beneficial thing: I now am a much less angry individual. But internally, it is a harmful to my well being as an individual. My goals are not really benchmarks; they're just there to give the illusion I want a future. I say I want to go to college, but the reality is, I don't really know. The only thing that motivates me nowadays are trivial pleasures, internet, video games, and One Piece to name a few, but these lack substance, and are virulent to my life style, primarily because I'm an obsessive person by nature. I really don't know what to do with my life; I suppose strangers on the internet might be helpful, I guess. Any advice?
-
My advice? Don't go to college if you don't have the means to pay for it and you're just looking for something to do in life. I'm thousands of dollars in debt right now because of college and I keep telling myself it was worth the money only because the overall experience and it led me to the field I'm in right now, but it really has put me in a troublesome position in life financially. My job only pays it off little by little but that's what I signed up for, I guess. Anyway, if you have a goal for college and the determination to pay off any debts you might incur then , yes, do go to college if you see it helping you out in the long run, career wise, but be wise about getting scholarships.
As for being unable to set goals for yourself and feeling like you're not going anywhere in life…it might be because you're afraid to set those goals out of fear of failing them. You were obsessed with success and when you failed you took it too hard...too hard on yourself actually. Most people get upset at failure, naturally, but infuriated(?) and just how infuriated did you get? And it really matters what the failure relates to. Tests? Relationships? Employment? Sports? Competition? Games? Whatever the case, your beating up on yourself turned you into an angry individual which is not something you wanted to be and it really does show you were putting way too much stress on yourself.
It's not such a bad thing to be passionate about success. In fact, it's a great thing but how you handled failure might be your setback. In response you lowered your expectations as a buffer to the anguish you experienced when you set a high goal for yourself and failed to meet it. You stopped setting goals for yourself so whenever/if ever you failed in life there would be no great fall. You could always say, 'Well, I wasn't expecting much anyway.' Much less stressful on your life, true, but also it has lead you to the indifferent situation you are in right now. The important lesson you can take away from any failure in your life, and all of our lives because, wow, we all constantly fail in big and small ways, is this...there is no success without failure. You're going to have to fail to succeed. It's a shitty but inherent part of life I'm sure you're well aware of but it helps sometimes to hear others say they've been through it. Nobody walks without falling flat on their face first.
Find a passion. Set some goals for yourself. Set your expectations. Don't be so hard on yourself if you fail and never forget why you did and learn from that. When/if you do not succeed just remember it's better to get back up again than to lay down and quit because even if you stumble and fall you'll learn you still made more progress than the man who laid down and quit a long time ago.