I've posted a few of these before here and there in the past and considering I still manage to gain new restrictions on an almost weekly basis I figured writing them down would be fun. Especially considering the positive reaction I've received about them in the past.
Before I begin though I should reiterate that this list is completely inspired from Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do lists (which I do strongly recommend checking out btw, they're hilarious) and the following is just my version of it. The following list of things I'm forbidden from doing in D&D/Pathfinder/etc. are also true and come from during the games themselves or in conversations/questions about said games with my DMs/GMs.
So with that long interlude done let's get started with the things I'm forbidden from doing in tabletop games so far.
Master List:
- Not allowed to make a Whisper Gnome Bard that specializes in Rap named M.C. Shush who brings her possee with her into dungeon crawls
- I will not use my abilities to summon magic instruments as a Bard just to run around with a Spanish Guitar yelling EL KABONG before hitting my enemies with it
- I cannot try to sell a group of Dwarves jerky made out of poisonous Green Dragon meat as "an acquired taste challenge" so I can rob them of their stuff later
- I am not to use Silent Image to convince Goblins their arm is made out of delicious chicken just to see if they will eat their own arm more than once per session
- Enrique Murdertrain is not an acceptable Dwarvish name
- When my party takes wisdom damage my Bard's first response should not be to use Ghost Sound to make them believe their weapons are trying to talk to them
- My Bard cannot fall in love with anyone or anything the Summoner has summoned.
- The natural predators of Druids are not woodpeckers
- I will stop using Color Spray to teach the Druid's animal companion not to sit on the furniture
- Suggesting that the Necromancer could double as a traveling mulch salesman is in bad taste, especially when the Paladin is in earshot
- I cannot have any character that has the voice and/or mannerisms of Hank Hill
- My Dwarf will take a -5 Intimidate penalty if she insists on interrogating speaking exclusively in Fey
- If my Tiefling at any point speaks like Doctor Girlfriend she will die instantly from a stroke
- I will stop making Tasmanian Devil noises everytime the Barbarian goes into a whirling frenzy
- My first action of every battle can longer be asking if we can form a "tower of power" by stacking on top of each other like in Disgaea
- I will cease insisting that my Whisper Gnome's parents were killed by ducks
- Prestidigitation is not to be used to graffitti the walls of a dungeon into "my turf"
- I am no longer allowed to name my characters after song titles, album titles, members,and/or the band names of The Police, REO Speedwagon, Judas Priest, and Meatloaf
- No character of mine is allowed to have the backstory "was raised by kiwis"
- Narcolepsy is not an acceptable character flaw
- Not allowed to recruit a team of 5 teenagers with attitude
- Speech impediments are an acceptable character flaw. My character replacing every verb with the word banana is not.
- No matter how much higher my CHA is children are going to trust the Aasimar Paladin with a halo far more than my scaled skin, horned Tiefling.
- Not allowed to try to fake speaking Infernal by just screaming out obscenities.
- Even if my Tiefling is killed by my own teammate by being slammed into a wall ferociously that doesn't mean the wall gains the exp.
- Even if the GM relented and let me play as a Samurai/Gunslinger hybrid that doesn't mean I get to sing the .
- There is no such thing as Exotic Weapon Profiency: Automobile
- Not allowed to play an atheist Cleric
- Even if I'm part Samurai I'm not allowed to challenge anyone to Mortal Kombat
- If I pick a jackass for an animal companion I'm not allowed to name it after the GM
- My character is always expected to act sober unless otherwise noted regardless of how drunk I am during the game session
- I have been assured with the upmost certainty that there has never, ever been a historic Samurai named Watanabe Carl: Head of the House of Steve, so my character could not possibly descend from him
- From now on my character has never heard of surströmming and certainly has no reason to be carrying dozens of cans of in his satchel as his sole food supply
- While quick and very effective there are better methods of selecting a party member to check the door for traps than "Nose Goes"
- The Monk is not living proof that nudity makes you stronger
- Not allowed to select party members as a Mount
- Diabetes is not an acceptable character flaw either
- The weapon's name is Lucerne, not "Lucy in the Sky with Violence"
- Just because the Druid has Wild Shape does not mean "it's morphin' time"
- There is no such thing as Favored Enemy: Other Party Members
- The correct way to decide who should take night watch is never a Dwarven Ale kegger and seeing who's still left conscious
- Having a negative score in my Intimidate check does not give me moe anime eyes
- Regardless of stats the party leader cannot be my samurai cowboy just on principle
- Having Point Blank Shot and Precise Shot doesn't mean my character is any better in bed
- If the Magus has exhausted all of her non-Cantrip spells for the day she can't just use tomorrow's magic
- There is no such thing as Profession: Propane and Propane Accessories
- The Armadillo familiar is not to be used for a post-battle soccer game
- Just because one of the other party members got to make his own homebrew race to make the Monk class more playable doesn't mean I get to create my own race for any reason. Especially if the phrase "a hivemind of stoats" is used to describe my idea
- As a general rule if I'm laughing and beaming a smile before I ask the GM a question the answer is automatically no
- Having Samurai armor over traditional cowboy garb is already pushing it. Trying to say that my character's appearance is just Super Sentai suit with a cowboy hat on top of the helmet is right out
- No threatening the other party members that I'll come back as a Bard again if I die during the session
- I'm going to start losing EXP each time I quote Mazes and Monsters
- Orcs do not need to "SMASH PUNY BANNER"
- Even if we're almost always surrounded by skeletons and zombies and I have a spare pickaxe doesn't mean I can recreate anything from Minecraft
- If a character's last words are "remember me fondly" I can't immediately respond "we won't".
- Even if in the context of the world they aren't anywhere close to endangered actively hunting down a herd of rhinoceros for their ivory still calls for an alignment check
- Not allowed to derail the session for 15 minutes discussing the myriad of advantages for prehensile hair ever, ever again
- Earth Elementals are not just naturally occurring Chia Pets
- I do not wanna be the guy
- Using the Samurai ability "Honor in All Things" for cheating and forgery inspires my GM to drink
- The Hungry Carrion Crawler is not a real children's book
- If we start to hear a low ghostly wail that doesn't mean we have to beware of the Box Ghost
- No character of mine was a roadie for a band called Dimmu Duergar
- Creating a Wizard character based on I.M. Meen will cause him to spontaneously combust less than 5 seconds into the campaign
- When being asked to tone it down a bit when I GM a campaign that includes not starting the story by having Godzilla attack the party's home town
- If I'm playing a Wizard my character better be literate
- After they've been ambushed by Ankhegs no one in the party is a fan of Tremors anymore
- Never again will a party of enemy Dryads and the Black Tentacles spell be occurring simultaneously
- Barbarian's Rage cannot be dispeled by a Snickers
- When the party requests me to create new monsters in order to make tougher fights they didn't mean giantic killer Pond Skaters
- No matter how it's justified grappling and pinning a naked Fey woman to the ground is just gonna look awkward
- When tasked to infiltrate and dissolve a holy order that doesn't mean just ordering prostitutes to all the Paladins
- The rest of the party members are not roadies for the Bard
- The following magic instruments are forever closed off to any current and/or future Bards of mine: Bagpipes, Xylophone, Guitar Hero Instruments, Maracas, and Tap Shoes
- No matter how I try to justify it, Jell-O Elementals do not and cannot exist
- Even if I have a static Initiative of 32 and can theoretically attack over 8 times per round, even on an ambush round, my Rogue is not named Ready Eddie
- Even if my players don't attempt to role play and use violence as a means to solve every problem it's still my fault if the campaign becomes a nonstop monster murder bonanza. Somehow.
- There is more to the Fey language than the words for "Hey" and "Listen"
- "YOU DEFEATED!" is not my victory cry
- If my character speaks over 16 languages fluently then the rest of the party shouldn't be getting DUWANG translations when I'm interpreting
- Just because the players don't care about their characters' backstories doesn't mean I get to create my own for them. Especially if the phrase "was raised by various rodents" is involved.
- I will refer to the Osteomancer by his actual name, not "Third Rate Kimimaro"
- Yes the party is going to have some objections with being forced to sleep in an inn called the Black Lodge
- If I have to take over the Paladin's character while the player is gone I'm sure not allowed to have his character suddenly become a streaker, even if it doesn't technically violate his religion
- I cannot rename my Bard Dicebag Darrell
- Not allowed to use my high CHA to convince the population of an entire town to play "the floor is lava"
- Nor am I allowed to conspire with the Wizard to turn the floor into real lava
- If the party is too poor for proper supplies that doesn't mean I get to set up a Kickstarter in town
- Water Elementals cannot be defeated by sponges
- No matter how accurate it is, if one of the other players is using a homebrew character that uses 4th edition rules that doesn't mean his name is Captain Anime
- If my character gains the ability to obtain a Mount I will skip right past the pages containing the dinosaurs
- The Halfling merchants have their own names, not Huey, Duey, and Louie
- Halflings do not work like matryoshka dolls
- Even if the rules allow it I cannot use Iron Heart Surge to commit suicide
- My character's religion is not "The Royal Order of the Blue Scrotum"
- Any character I made that can recreate almost any scene from Asura's Wrath is immediately banned
- We are to be introduced as Gladiators, not "slaves with benefits"
- All attempts to unionize the Gladiators will be met with immediate failure
- If told the party has now been made immortal still means I shouldn't be trash talking the enslaving evil Wizard who did so
- There's something fundamentally wrong if the colossal Goliath's Intimidate check roll is 8 and my 5'1'' Half-Elf's is 43
- If I am told to quietly put the enemy to sleep they meant using the Sleep spell, not using a large rock
- There is no Favored Enemy: People I don't like
- I am forbidden from going anywhere near anything resembling a Behelit
- Even if the rules allow it I can't cast Create Pit underneath a party member who is already falling to their death just so they can get a Reflex save out of it
- If we are to try and save a party member from being swept away by the current by shooting an arrow tied with rope to the party member, not into the party member
- I can't try to escape my contract from a enslaving wizard via a sexual harassment suit
- Suicide pacts also will not escape the contract
- Even if we're not playing a Call of Cthulu game I still have to take into consideration if my actions will come at the cost of other party members' sanity
- If the DM creates an intentionally broken as hell character in my campaign it's considered intelligent. If I create an intentionally broken as hell character in his campaign I'm shot down at it's conception
- Creating an intentionally "fair" character will lead to the DM laughing at my eventual demise
- Being grappled, pinned down, and forced into a kiss with Sadako Yamamura means I definitely have not "had worse"
- If the DM laments that he can never have a serious adventure I can't point out that he willingly keeps inviting us
- The spells Grease and Fireball will not ignite anything. No really, it somehow doesn't actually work that way
- Even if I am essentially a universal translator and have a great CHA I cannot possibly talk my way out of any combat scenario
- If I were to ever have a monster that had Stat Drain attacks I would never hear the end of how bullshit it is, when it happens to me I just "failed the save" and "it's not my fault". Don't ask, I can't figure this shit out either
- The following names are forever banned for all future Grippli characters: Jeremiah, Slippy, Froggy
- If I'm carrying a gun that's bigger than I am you're goddamn right I'm going to feel some recoil
- The party is not keeping an Intellect Devourer as a pet
- I am not "the frog version of Lobo"
- If I ever trick any party member into calling the slave owner "senpai" again my character will be terminated by a spontaneous meteor strike
- I am not playing the Great Cave Offensive from Kirby so I really shouldn't be naming every item we come across
- On that note anyone using Cobalt Rage is not to be referred as "Blueberry Mountain"
- Invisibility is not one of my God given rights
- The group is candidly aware that my Wand of Enlarge Person will "Make my monster grow"
- Even if it makes sense in context the sentence "If you think I'm scary you should talk to the frog" should really never occur ever again
- No matter how high my CHA is no one other than the party members who witnessed it are going to believe that the frog lady one-shotted a Hydra
- Even if I'm the GM I really shouldn't try to recreate Yor, Hunter from the Future in the campaign
- Even in low-light conditions Fetchlings do not have to roll a % die to see if they miss their own dick while trying to pee
- The Soulreaver's name is neither Kain nor Raziel
- Despite there now being a precedent for legions of monsters fearing my Grippli we are not leaving a "Scare-Frog" at the entrance to each dungeon we complete
- No longer allowed to make comments connecting the Aasimar's Celestial, Draconic, Human, and Elvish bloodlines and his mother's profession
- Any plan that involves "Pirate Docking" is vetoed
- Using Precognition to "Joesph Joestar" the villain's monologue will not affect their morale
- Intentionally singing badly does not give my Bard free uses of Chord of Shards
- When told to learn a language the rest of the party doesn't speak they didn't mean Esperanto
- When asked what the weather report stated I will not cast Rain of Frogs as an answer
- If we exist in an age before computers it's safe to assume I can't ask to be paid exclusively in Bitcoin
- Offering to tie other party members to the ship's mast ceases to be as helpful when the ship is sinking
- We are never allowed to discuss if the regenerative properties of the Hydra also apply to it's lower regions ever again
- Not allowed to cast Hideous Laughter on people attending the GM-played party member's funeral