:I
! So you want to hear my story? Well, it's not a particularly good one. It begins in the year 2785 in the East Black galaxy cluster, on a small planet called Logueterra. On that day, a man named Roentgenium Ralph was executed for his crimes. He was a space pirate, and they called him the Pirate M'rrrjigul. That's Nhyrgzian for “Star King”. He had everything: wealth, fame, subgravatomic nanoblasters, power.
! His final words had sent countless men, women, and other genders to the stars.“If you want my treasure, you can have it. I left everyone I own in that place. Go and find it.” Apparently, that place is some uncharted galaxy hidden somewhere within the treacherous Milky Line. It is there that men have wasted their lives searching for the ever elusive…
! π Piece
! Twenty-two years had passed since Ralph's execution. Ever since, even the calm perpetuity of the East Black had been shaken by the prospect of adventure, what with the whole Great Age of SPACE Piracy thing. I could never tell if I was supposed to scream SPACE at the top of my lungs or if it's some kind of acronym. I'm pretty sure it's the latter, but it's more fun to yell things. Though, that's not particularly relevant.
! What was relevant was that the East Black was no longer safe. Take for instance, Planet Vanayashi. It was here that the alien Sharxarazarajh Race attempted to establish their galactic empire. Too bad nobody took those guys seriously. It was pretty derogatory to call a Sharxarazarajhite a Fishman, but everybody did anyway.
! At the head of the operation was the leader of this particular group, Exlarg. Exlarg was a brutal guy… fish... thing. He had a machine gun for a nose! He also had a mouth full of samurai swords. If anybody could sweat badass, it was this guy. And I don't even think Sharxarazarajhites can sweat!
! So why is Exlarg important? Because he was my target. I had been working undercover for the past couple of years for this universal crime syndicate called Baroque Works. These guys were the real deal too, constantly kidnapping and recruiting and ejecting things into suns. At the head of Baroque Works is the enigmatic Mr. π. He was the true target. He was the man I had meant to expose.
! But these things don't happen overnight. One thing at a time. That one thing was taking down Exlarg before his operations would interfere with Baroque Works'. Exlarg had been in the business of tipping off the Space Marines to keep their nose out of his business. My job was to discover what that business was.
! “X'i'u, did you gather up the tributes?” one of the Fishmen asked in his strange space language.
! “That I did, Ch'yur'oov'''i,” X'i'u replied through his alien mouth hole.
! “Good, Exlarg will be pleased,” Ch'yur'oov'''i responded from his suspiciously less alien mouth, but his braided hair was not doing him any favors. “Soon we will have enough to excute our plan.”
! “Hold it right there!” I revealed myself from behind the SPACE barrels.
! My name? Oh, right, I haven't told you. My codename in Baroque Works was Miss Valguhajammalammashamalyazorday, after the twentieth day of the Hnngggggh calendar. But that wasn't necessary.
! “Nobody move and everybody gets hurt!” I shouted with unparalleled focus, grasping my SPACE rifles with conviction.
! “It's her!” X'i'u cried as he tried to run away
! “The Galactic Space Princess!?” Ch'yur'oov'''i Enelfaced.
! “That's right!” I screamed passionately. “It is I, Nefeltari V-V.”
! I opened fire, leaving no survivors. I stepped over the Fishmen corpses as I marched on Exlarg Wildlife Preserve. I blasted a hole in the wall and growled fiercely. “Which one of you is Exlarg?”
! Before he could answer, I put a bullet between his eyes and an end to his tyranny.
! Though, I never did find out what he was up to…
! * * *
! “Caruestopher!” I wailed as I slouched into the captain's chair of my ship, The Fighting Stopper. My companion, Caruestopher, emerged from the kitchens with a warm pot of SPACE tea. Caruestopher was a member of the Spotbill Race, a super-intelligent duck-like race with vehicular and navigational capabilities. “Thank you, Caruestopher.”
! “Anytime, V-V,” he bowed. “But I'll have you know, I am no butler.”
! “Could you rub my feet?” I kicked off my SPACE boots.
! “V-V, this is inappropriate,” Caruestopher shook his head. “While you were off botching our mission, Mr. π called in orders.”
! “Oh?” I sat up in interest. “Are they interesting? I've been bored lately.”
! “Pity,” he rolled his eyes before reading from the SPACE parchment. “We're to return to the Milky Line at once and rendezvous with Mr. Infinity, Mr. 98.6, and Miss Hotboday.”
! “Four agents, huh?” Mr. 98.6 and I were partners, though he was not aware of my Galactic Space Princess moniker. “Must be serious.”
! “Oh, it is,” Caruestopher replied glumly. “It seems that 'Straw SPACE Helmet' Gorilla X. Lufronz has entered the Milky Line through the Reverse Black Hole. Mr. π's orders are that we greet him and his crew.”
! “That sounds exciting,” I smiled. “Isn't Lufronz worth 30 million beelzebills?”
! “It would appear that is the case,” Caruestopher nodded. “Shall I set the coordinates?”
! “Yeah, yeah,” I groaned as he slipped back into a slouch. “And turn on the satellite radio while you're at it!”
! * * *
! Meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, Ser Crockergiles had arranged a meeting with my father on Planet Aridisasta. It wasn't every day that a SPACE Warlord of the Cosmos would treat with him.
Still a WIP, just wanted to share an excerpt BECAUSE ITS AWFUL.