I've still to polish my skills.
Vincent is irredeemable to me. Although, for some reason though Kendro kills the chick and I have no problem with that. Hmm…
I've still to polish my skills.
Vincent is irredeemable to me. Although, for some reason though Kendro kills the chick and I have no problem with that. Hmm…
I've still to polish my skills.
Fair enough Cap'n.
Vincent is irredeemable to me. Although, for some reason though Kendro kills the chick and I have no problem with that. Hmm…
Maybe you'll be a fan of another LaPour then :ninja:
XD
Lol @ Kendro… I fear you're not gonna like him in the long run.
I love Kendro because his name is awesome and villians are usually my favorite characters. Vincent… not so much. He seems like a cool guy in his own right but he doesn't carry the "cool" that Kendro does.
@Uncle:
I love Kendro because his name is awesome and villians are usually my favorite characters. Vincent… not so much. He seems like a cool guy in his own right but he doesn't carry the "cool" that Kendro does.
16 characters of >:V
Seems like a villian to me.~
If you remember my little excerpt… you'll know WHY he's an asshole.
If you DON'T remember... I'll remind you in about 5 chapters.
Probably less...
Nothing wrong with asshole characters either. Vegeta was always one of my favorite Z fighters.
By the way, I've been slunking along with my editing but I'll definitely be giving that review today. If not within the next few hours then later on tonight. After that feel free to PM me all the details of the world structure and such of the collab whenever you have it ready.
Oh.
Will do chief.
I was writing some stuff today as a matter of fact so I have some things here and there to pitch your way when I see that review.
Also: Vegeta IS my favorite "good guy" in DBZ… and "Elemights" was conceived during that period of my life then DBZ was brand new.
Feel free to start theorizing.
I just looked something up: La petite mort, French for "the little death", is a metaphor for orgasm.
Woah, son. X_x
@Uncle:
I just looked something up: La petite mort, French for "the little death", is a metaphor for orgasm.
Woah, son. X_x
I told you it was supposed to be funny :V
You're obviously not going to change this but, I really think that Elemight should be either Elemnight or Elemknight because when I read it I see it as a fusion of Element and Might rather than Elemental Knight. Elemight is still a cool word and all but that's how I see it.
Maybe you were going for the triple word score though. Idk.
You're obviously not going to change this but, I really think that Elemight should be either Elemnight or Elemknight because when I read it I see it as a fusion of Element and Might rather than Elemental Knight. Elemight is still a cool word and all but that's how I see it.
Maybe you were going for the triple word score though. Idk.
To be 110% honest… the original title was Elemental Knights and it evolved into Elemknights.
The problem came from pronounciation out loud and just the overall wonkiness of the K in the middle of the word.
No matter how much I sliced it around and played with it, the one word that always made sense to me (and rolled off the tongue better) was Elemights.
But yeah... Triple Score yo!!
:V
Alright, I know I'm late in doing this but here it finally is! Review time!
This story is incredibly hard to review for me because the first time I read it I was lost as all hell but the second time I read it, everything was really clear. So a lot of what I was going to complain about is now hard to critisize. Either way, I feel that I should mention that there is a VERY large amount of information you're tossing on your readers here. It's incredibly hard to absorb all of it on the first go-through.
What I suggest is, if it isn't going to be immediately relevant to the story, don't mention it. Allow all of your information to come out naturally over time when they're at the height of their relevance. I have a lot of the same issues with my own story (just the magnitude and depth of the world is truly hard to convey) but I do highly recommend just putting all of that in the back of your mind and letting it reveal itself later on.
Despite that, re-reading it a second time was several times more enjoyable because I could actually absorb everything then but you're still bound to freighten off a lot of potential readers with that initial read. Also, despite receiving such a large influx in information, I can't really critisize the story much more than that one complaint because even though it was all very long, this is clearly a foundation chapter. That is to say, this is just laying the ground work and hasn't really brought out what we should be seeing throughout the first arc quite yet.
So I regret to say that this is the height of the advice I can give. I will delve into your positives, though. You have a really interesting world and a colorful cast of characters here. Lots of excellent descriptions (I was literally in awe at some of these pictures at some points) and a really immersive world overall. This also acts as a negative ironically because it's so immersive that when I read the desert scene and it adruptly transitioned over to a church scene, I got really lost. You'd probably do well to work on smoother transitions.
Overall, an excellent read. I'm excited to see more and I'd definitely recommend it around the forums. Don't let up on us! Keep it coming! ^^
Well.
That was easily the most positive review I've gotten about anything.
I will admit that while it DOES seem I'm chucking a LOT (and I do mean a lot) of shit towards the readers… there are two things I set myself to do.
One was create a world that was complete, every little detail of history and or lore of this world HAS to be defined in one way or the other.
The Samals and their Chieftain political system for example will be of EXTREME importance in a future arc.
The same can be said about "random" occurences such as the desert scene.
Some of the transitions could be smoother yes, but due to the nature of this being (as you put it) an indroductory chapter to a massive story (if you knew the amount of arcs/sagas/characters and chapters this is supposed to be in total you would PROBABLY fall back on your seat), it just has to be this way I guess.
I'm actually glad you liked it and these were your bigger concerns... I'm a terrible choreographer and seeing as how a LOT of fighting is to happen in Elemights (think Avatar: The Last Airbender/DBZ/One Piece/Berserk) I'm amazed I could even start to try and explain wtf is going on during a simple fight scene like the end of the chapter.
That being said:
Thank you for reading it... expect a PM with details about La Petite Mort so we can pump some brainstormin' out.
I understand that you're working with a large world (trust me, I hate comparing myself to others but the world in my story is severely huge too; just to let you know that I do understand) but at the same time, if it isn't going to be immediately relevant or relevant within the first arc then either don't mention it or be more subtle about it. That's what I'd recommend so as not to overwhelm your readers.
As for the transitions, maybe just a better heads up could knock that problem out. The quickest and easiest way to do this is to bold the locations that let you know, "Hey, things are switching over to this place". Because the locations aren't bolded or formatted any differently than the rest of the text, it's easy for me to gloss over them and not realize that the scene switched. That's just a minor complaint, though.~
Overall, some pretty minor problems at best. Like I said, the second read-through knocked those problems out and everything else was perfect so don't feel detered by my criticisms. The story was excellent and I don't usually give out that word. Also, looking forward to that PM. ^^
Oh you know what…
I just realized.
XD
I forgot to re-bold the locations in said transitions.
:V
I'll fix that soon.
And expect the PM by tomorrow evening.
Trying to cram a document with info for reference.
I really dislike GumGumBattleAxe.
I saw that XD
I'm hoping it was sarcasm like YOUR response :V
But otherwise… no biggie.
Wow, SHR! I really, really enjoyed this. I think the characters are extremely developed so far, without it all "IN YOUR FACE." Dici is someone I defiantly want to see more of. As well as Gwen and Toby.
Can't wait for Chapter Two~
Thank you for your feedback.
Gwen, Dici and Tony don't get much love methinks.
Nice to see my "less" popular characters get some loving.
Give me chapter two already.
throws peanut :\
barely dodges
Fffff
I don't want you to throw the Holnutt (sp) book at me again :<
Good shit .
Holy shit… you actually read this Gueta?
To be honest, I didn't read all of it, but what I did read was pretty good…
And why does this surprise you? Just because I play Halo doesn't make me an illiterate drunk college-fratfuck douchebag :P
LOL at Halo stereotype.
You're in a One Piece forum so I know your literature taste is decent at least.
I just didn't think you'd read shit written by us XD
Actually, I'm rarely in this subforum but I saw the creator so I figured, ehh, might as well take a look..
You got talent. For a second there, I almost imagined seeing a book titled Elemights by whatever the fuck your real name is Jose or idk in a Borders or something.
Not for nothing… but that's the nicest thing a dude's ever told me xD
Ty, I suggest you finish reading it and give me some feedback yes?
Finally I've found some time (and a functioning PC xD) to give this a good read.
I think I'll try to give some feedback, I'm not that good at it, but I hope it somehow helps
This turned out a bit long, so tags to wrap it up!
[hide]First of all, great work! You managed to create quite a vivid, varied world! The setting for example, I love The carribean wasteland and the introduction of Samals. The concept of such a such a life form, not being already existent, but actually evolving from humans is something you need to explain and get into more.
I'm also trying to figure out where to put this world: Is it our world, but set in the future? Or a parallel fantasy universe? I'm leaning much more to number 1, but not sold 100%.
However just like Uncle Kenny mentioned before, I felt a tad overhelmed by information. The sudden change of locations and characters was fast; just as I had gotten a feel for a character and started to get into his shoes, the scenario switched. I saw that you mentioned all these facts are of great importance for the bigger picture (which I didn't doubt, especially the part in the desert with the four characters sparked some big interest from my side).
Nontheless you could help and make these transitions a bit smoother and help the reader get into the world a bit easier. The most common choice is to give him a main character he can cling to.
That's the thing: I couldn't pick out the main character, there are three characters right now who could fit. Maybe this is exactly what you planned, maybe all characters are supposed to be of equal importance, but one hero more established than the others could help us get along better.
As for how to make the transititions a bit easier: Sometimes even a short exposition from the narrator could help.
Something like, I don't know "Strangers scattered around the world, but destiny brings them together to change the world". Similar to the way you did in the intro. Or when Matthiu had his vision, you could get into detail on how the characters looked. So the reader can go " Ahh! I know that one! This might be the guy from the other segment! Guess I'll keep him in mind!" Like this, but less corny. Hope you know what I mean hahah
It makes us understand why we are confronted with all these characters at once. And look forward to their part in the big game.
Talking of the vision, I liked it a lot! It made you see what was to come! You could even go so far as putting things from it even more unclear or more out of this world. So when we read about the vision, we go "How the hell is this going to happen?". And when it actually happens, we still recognize it from the vision but are still surprised.
Other than that, you made some solid work with the characters.
Yes, I out myself as a Tony fan here aswell. That guy is suave as hell!
Same goes for Gwen. His part made me laugh out loud:
Like the time he head butted his friend when he was 12 and… well the friend didn’t quite make it.
Really now…Ahahaha Does laughing here make me a horrible person? Can't wait to see how his power works in battle!
Also I can't help but get slightly contradictory vibes from Vincent. The Intro has him appear as a selfless selfreflecting person, while in the second half he appears to be quite opportunistic, not even thinking about protecting the woman and the child from Kendro. Intentional? I sort him into the "Jerk with a hidden heroic side" category here myself for the time being:ninja:
Let's wait and see!
Then I also have a couple of tiny improvement suggestions when it comes to grammer.
But I think this is just your unedited work, so you'll probably get to fixing those anyway.
Still, here it goes:
One thing which made reading a bit unsteady was the change in tense. One part was told in past, while the other jumped to the present tense.
When describing stuff I'd consequently stick with the past tense only; the parts written in the past were a lot more easier to read for me for instance.
Also, the description of a character changed through a passage
“Goes to show you can’t really trust them now can ya’!?” the attractive brunette snarled back.
….“The Kingdom of York they said… he loves the buildings there apparently.” the blonde woman annoyingly answered as they made their way North.
I always spot such changes because the second a character is introduced I suck in all infos about them and their appearance like a sponge to form a picture in my mind. If she's some kind of Mystique, who changes her appearance, than I take it back and silently bow before your subtle story techniques ;)
That's all I can think of for now! I'd love to read a clean script of this in the near future. :)[/hide]
OW my wall of text ;_;
Ty SOOO much for the feedback, I'll work on my grammar and some mistakes here and there (Cadil Vill was probably misspelled like 7283872637826389 times due to word constantly trying to change it for me x.x)
Semi Spoilers/Clarifications
! I can't get into what the World really is but I CAN confirm that it IS in fact Earth… some time later (4049 is the current year in the "Age of Furlocs", feel free to come to your own conclusion about that)
! As far as who the main characters I'd say Vincent/Kenro(YES Kendro) and Abel are the main players.
! Regarding Vincent and his "personality", he is indeed an opportunistic person… but at the same time he IS kind of a jerk (this is intentional of course).
! It's one of those things where a character cannot be too perfect...otherwise they become somewhat one-dimensional, Vincent loves his family... but his love for History (and shiney things lol) might have bitten him in the ass more than once.
! If anything I'd say wait for the Flashbacks.
! Matthiu/Tony/Dici would be your secondary characters at this point that are established.
! Kerbon would be an assist type if I had to put a tag on him.
! King Arratice Furlocs (and by extension the Royals) would be the exact same thing as the World Government in One Piece.
! The Samals would be like the Fishmen (some good some bad)
! Think of this like One Piece (/ego stroke) there might be characters introduced now that won't appear for a long time but be of UTMOST importance.
! I have a folder somewhere with 50 names... so I'm at the VERY least keeping track of them.
Again thanks for the feedback, and when I clean it up I'll repost/edit here :D
Sorry for the double post… but I found something glorious.
Old Elemight sketches done by some friends from the past.
[hide]
3 Vincents
2 Abels
2 Dicis (first one is good for color scheme purposes XD)
And finally Genesis Lange:
[/hide]
Dude, that looks freaking awesome. =D
Chapter 2 and 3 are almost complete.
I'm directing my attention to my column at the moment until I can absorb all the Elemight encyclopedia info I JUST found (literally 30 mins ago)
Looks at pictures
Dammit Rican! Stop being more awesome than me!
I didn't make those.
Just FYI.
Anyone feel like inking and painting >:V?
I really like the drawings Rican!
You should get whoever did those to do the cover for this novel when you publish it.
And I DO look forward to seeing this on a bookstore shelf.
Old Elemight sketches done by some friends from the past.
[hide]
3 Vincents
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs1365.snc4/163740_1734424675409_1082315793_2024408_5489203_n.jpg2 Dicis (first one is good for color scheme purposes XD)
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/hs078.snc6/168850_1734443275874_1082315793_2024468_476199_n.jpg
That third pic–is that older, more grizzled Vincent?
screams for a while
Find those friends.
Then force them to draw more..
Seriously, that's awesome!
I found one… and currently he's working on a BIG Vincent design doc.
Cross fingers for me :<