One Piece fanfiction: Adventure Time!

Super Puppy

So, here's a One Piece fanfiction I've got that I made for a different forum. I've already posted this at Kingofthepirates and linked to it at K-F, but I'm bored, so I'm posting it here too. Maybe later I'll post another chapter, if I feel like it. I dunno. Anyway, do you think it's any good?

Note: I left the Going Merry in as their ship, though I'm quite aware that the Thousand Sunny replaced it. I just want to.

Part One

The day was normal. Luffy was dreaming about his future Pirate Kingdom, Chopper, Usopp and Franky were doing chemical experiments in the galley (despite Nami's explosion warnings), and Sanji and Zoro were getting into a quite violent fight about nothing. It took almost forty hands (all of them Robin's) to break them up. After that, Zoro went up for a peaceful nap in the crows nest, and Sanji went to make sure Luffy wasn't eating all of the food that they had left. At one point in the afternoon, a Marine ship had attacked them, but they had simply clobbered the Marines and sent them on their merry way.
Everyone seemed a little bored, especially Luffy, who made a very loud point of announcing it every few minutes. They had been sailing for almost three days, but Nami said they were not too far from the next island. But, finally, she announced that she saw some land ahead
"Look!" she pointed in the direction of the land mass, "that's it, up ahead! Someone, take the rudder and give us a soft turn port, and bring us in!"
Sanji was quick to respond, and hurried to the galley to help, knocking over a dangerous mixture in the process. If not for Robin's quick hands, the whole thing would have fallen.
Usopp glared at him "Watch it, that could blow the whole ship!"
"Why make something that could blow the whole ship?"
"Franky wants an explosion upgrade on one of his weapons."
"I'm regulating it, so they don't go overboard!" Chopper pitched in happily.
"Hey, look! How weird!" Luffy's voice came in from outside.
The group of them exited the galley to see what it was. They were about to ask what the problem was, but when they saw the island, they realized it. The island looked like…
one giant tree! The whole thing was a tree growing out of the ocean!

End of Part One

Local-chan

ummmm…..first off, FAR too short to even be called a chapter, more like a paragraph, most fanfictions range from about 2+ pages per chapter.

Also, the characters, I dunno why, but each of em seem somewhat robotic, I mean there are plenty of things that could have been done somewhat better, for example, we could have had why Sanji and Zoro were fighting, or what Robin and Nami were doing at the time of things (unlike the others, they just seem to be...there)

The Marine attack seemed a little crap, well, not a little, VERY crap, it was just as if they were there, strawhats beat them up and thats it, if thats the case, was there any point in mentioning it at all?

Descriptions, there is very little of them, are we to just assme that everyone is wearing their current clothes? or their Water 7 clothes? Or is everyone naked? Also, when they are talking, there doesn't seem to be any emotion to it.

All in all, it looks like a good...idea, but lack of depth into it, just makes it look shoddy.

Fleur

Wow, quite a few fanfics tonight.

Hmm. ~_~
I agree fully with what Local-chan's saying here.
The grammar isn't bad, and the spelling is right on. But just the way you worded things…it's a little off. The second sentence feels a bit run-on as well. Try adding details, while replacing dead and plain words such as "very", "loud", "seemed", "bored", etc.

Overall, it's a bit dull, under descriptive, and the characters aren't very animated.
I do like the idea, though. Reminds me of Ohara.

Super Puppy

Ah, yes. Thanks for the advice; it's quite refreshing actually (usually I only get compliments for some reason). I'll keep it in mind.

Oh, and I changed the chapters to parts, although I just called them that for a name, I know they're not really chapters. I also extended them so they're longer now.

Okay, I guess I'll post the next part now.

Part Two

As they approached the island, they got a closer look at it. Their first impression was true, it was a tree. The roots were floating on the surface of the water, where the houses were built. The water sometimes lapped up onto the tree, causing an effect similar to a beach. The houses were made of wood, most likely from old branches. They saw the people as they got closer, and they looked friendly enough. They seemed pretty normal… for living on a tree, that is.

The crew sailed up and found a place to dock the ship, a root-dock , so they pulled in. They decided, after some debate, that Robin and Zoro would stay at the ship, and the others would take off on their own and look around, except for Luffy, who would be kept company by Nami to assure he stayed out of trouble. After this was settled, they left exploring. Robin settled down with a book, and Zoro went to nap. Sanji went to go shopping for food supplies, Usopp went to find some people to tell his stories too, and Franky followed him to help out. Luffy took off running at the first opening, with Nami sprinting desperately behind him. Chopper just went to poke around and observe the people.

"Well," Usopp said, "is there anywhere you want to go in particular?"
"Nope, just looking around," Franky responded. The two of them began walking, stepping between the roots and the water, searching for an audience. Eventually, they came upon a group of small children playing in the water. Marching up with a proud swagger, Usopp approached the kids.
"Hey!" He told them, stooping down, "Do you want to hear the story of the brave captain Usopp, the man who slayed the vicious Monster of Destruction..."

"Luffy?!" Nami called; "Where did you run off to?!" She continued to search and call and yell, until she finally got a response.
"I'm up here," came the weak answer.
"What?! How did...?" It was true! Luffy had somehow managed to get tangled in some of the higher branches, and was stretched between about eleven feet of tree.
"Get down from there!"
"I can't."
"Why?!"
"Uhhh..."
"Oh!"
Finally, Nami climbed up to the tree and untangled him. It was a tediously sluggish process. She unraveled him from the branches, little by little. Carefully, she lifted one limb, held it up in the air, and tossed it over the branch. She repeated this until he could shake himself free. Then she proceeded to give him a stern lecture.
"Now, before we leave..." And Nami took a long vine from the tree and fasioned a leash-like device for Luffy by wrapping it around his stomach and chest with some extra slack to hold on to. "There," she declared when it was done. "Now lets go."
"Okee-dokee!" And they continued on.

Sanji was strolling along a long tree root, looking for a shop or supply store, but so far, he'd had no luck. There were lots of buildings, but all he could see were houses. At one point, a desperate-looking, out-of-breath man hurried up to him,
"Look out! Look out! There are pirates harbored in the port! And they're the famous Straw-Hat pirates!"
"I'm sure they are," he responded, deciding not to laugh.
"Run away!" And the man did.
Sanji looked after him for a short time, but when he was out-of-sight, he returned to his task of searching for a store. After a while, he found himself out of the residential district, but now there were no buildings at all. He tried a different direction, but there was still nothing. Finally, he came to realize that he might be lost. Just as he was quitting on trying, he heard a scream from deeper in the forest!

End of Part Two

Moria

Looks pretty good. I would love to see it actually drawn though.

Super Puppy

@Moria:

Looks pretty good. I would love to see it actually drawn though.

Hmm, I dunno. I'm a pretty good drawing hand, but I'm much better at making up my own characters than using someone else's. I have a lot of trouble with One Piece characters in particular, which really sucks because I love drawing them. I suppose I could give it a shot though. Maybe sometime soon.

Local-chan

boo for leaving Robin with Mr. Boring.

Anyways, its better than it was before, I must say, although sometimes, it does seem to be a little off still, but still better than before. I would have liked to see a lil more in the scenes for each character, they seemed far too short each.