Posts made by DarkFalcon

thank you.
I have some new art. I have Vegeta

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I also have my original Saiyan character

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Naturally I have more pictures, but it's all just playing with different Dragon Ball Z scenarios lately, so I just limit it to that.

there is definitely quite an improvement - characters get more of three-dimensional feel.

The dragon is really cool. Creative. It give Pokemon vibes. I also like the pattern of butterfly's wings.

@wolfwood:

https://www.thelocal.se/20170501/anger-in-sweden-over-neo-nazis-may-day-march

500 or so bonafide nazi's marching down the street on the first of may march. What a sight to behold in 2017.

Laying gems of truth on us such as "don't believe in the holocaust fairytale". Jesus christ these people.

But i guess that's the less enjoyable side to democracy, that even these dinguses get to hold their marches.

I wonder. Does neo-nazis classify as a hate group? I believe they should. Haven't that organisation been classified as such?

I don't exactly know the law in Sweden, but can't hate groups be stopped from marching?

I've drawn some more Raditzes

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I've forgot I've did this one:

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a quick self portray:

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Hello everyone. Long time no see.

I made myself a break yesterday and visited a con.

I've met cut boy cosplaying as Batman. My bro shot a photo for me.

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his Mom is Wonder woman

@Serra:

Chibis! Even if Radattz(I bet I'm completely misremembering his name) and Vegeta are "evil" they sure look cute chibified.

it's Raditz (or Radditz) so you are not misremembering completely - you've got right the consonantly - more or less - and half of the vowels. And we can argue that chibified is Vegetas default state. Whether or not it makes him cute is discussable.

thanks for the comment Serra

here goes new stuff… or not art chart of 2016:

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some Leonardo Da Vinci - curtasy to my Mom's lack of grasp of tumblr drawing memes:

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favourite baboon loser:

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and finally after all those years some chibis - Dragon Ball:

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just here to drop my Dragon Ball Z fanart

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@Monkey:

How the fuck is there so much hatred for Poles of all people in the UK. I was checking that whole link of facebook posts about incidents and stuff, and like 40% of the incidents were about Poles. It just seems so goddamn random.
How do average British people even know if someone is Polish on the street.

may be due to the fact some Poles use Polish language on the street or the funky accent or the famous (supposed) Slavic features or the just simply statistics as Poles are a large group among new immigrants in Great Britain.

nice to see that minor characters get as much support and great campains as ever.
I really enjoyed Jojo campain for Weatheria Wizards.

you have really interesting and enjoyable art style. The motion in your pictures seems very fluid

some new art works:

I have Forgotten Realms/drow phase right now

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Pharaun (wizard) and Ryld (warrior) from the War of the Spider Queen series
Ryld is almost a nice person, at least he cares for others, like Pharaun (who is really, really not worth it, despite being an enjoyable character)

Drizzt, young Cattie-brie and Guenhwyvar (a panther and not a bear)
I think the three of them had some adventure between the end of Sojourn and the point in which the plot of the Crystal Shard started for good, after all Drizzt and Bruenor had a deal, that Drizzt will be watching over Cattie-brie when she goes out of mines for adventure in dangerous tundra…

some drow characters from Salvatore's books: Kimmuriel (Psionicist), Rai-Guy (wizard-cleric) and Vierna (Lolth Priestess)

! some drow in the tunells od Undrdark

I decided to put even less effort and draw just Drizzt

… and Jarlaxle

as you can see I outdid myself with this one
yeah, this is pretty much me thinking I'm funny

and some One Piece

! Vivi

My attempt at Ace and Sabo fusion (been watching Steven Universe)

he has two stomachs so you don't see it

Thank you!

I have some more drawings to share
Below a few Sabos, Kidd, Robin and Nami

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that looks marvelous

you developed as an artist. Your drawings are getting better and better.

@xan:

Archaeology and Philosophy? That's a pretty diverse set of subjects to major from. I am not aware of US education system so I can't comment on that but I think having two majors in different subjects confuses quite a lot of people throughout the globe lol Good luck on that!

Thanks.
Well, I've graduated archaeology in 2012 actually. Now I work on philosophy only. In Polish system is pretty standard to study two different subject if you are a good student dedicated to educate yourself. It's non-standard to have mixed studies - you can't choose your program (you can to certain degree, you get to choose some classes, but only at a limited range, or you need to get on special program) People start second subject sometime during their first one. Basically every group of students has a few people who either graduated from other major, are doing two simultaneously or will be doing second major. In my group in ethics, beside me, at least two other students are doing two majors and one graduated music school. And there is only 7 of us.

thanks. I appreciate any comment.

Here I have some pictures from vacations or even older.

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practicing expressions with some tumblr meme

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and again same meme, this time someone actually asked for Ace

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different art meme, again someone asked for Ace

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attempting to draw Luffy's bros

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that is actually my work as well (it's not signed)

@xan:

Sounds cool what's your major?

It's complicated. I'm a master of archaeology, but I don't do archaeology now, instead I do philosophy (I have bachelors degree in philosophy, but I don't have master degree, supposedly I'm doing one now in ethics). Also it may be worth mentioning or reminding that I don't live in America, which allowed me to have all this education.

Today I had my first classes on Ph. D. Program.

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@Nolus:

I'm so angry right now.

I had a rather… unfortunate and short-lived relationship around January. So right in the middle of my depression, one could say.

That guy started messaging me again on Facebook. He wrote a "Hey, how are ya" on the 8th April, I haven't answered back since, and now, today, he wrote again (apparently, one of my favourite bands will come here and give a concert). I now, I don't know what to do.
I talked to one of my closest friends both times, and today, he told me that the guy was talking to him (over Teamspeak I suppose, in text), and that the reason he didn't want to get closer to me (even tho we did some pretty intimate things) is that he had a depressed girlfriend once and it was a very bad experience for him.
This shocked me a little.
The Armored part of me is furious. The Logical says that well, it'd explain some things but the Emotional one... is torn, which is strange considering I'm broken into three parts anyways. So the Emotional one feels hurt but at the same time sympathetic? Kind of a "want to talk to him and forgive him and stuff" but Armored and Logical is like "Hell no, it's the worst thing I can do now", but then what do I do?
My friend told me that if he wasn't there when I was so deep in shit, he isn't worth it. And he might be right about that.

I'm still torn though. And irritated.

It's understandable, that you feel furious and disappointed by this guy, but he was probably in situation where he simply didn't know what to do and meant you no harm.
It is a given that you should not pursue relationship with him, since he isn't capable of handling such situation and also his ability to communicate his problems is poor, but there is probably no harm in forgiving him as a person and being on speaking terms with him, but that depends whether or not you'd feel good with such arrangement.

But I want you to know it is possible to have functional relationship, when you are depressed. It's a bit like with everything else, people do have different needs and that's why two people may be not compatible for each other. Moreover many people have only vague understanding of their own needs, so they get unknowingly into situation that would prove to be uncomfortable or even harmful for them , and then there is an issue, that many people just have poor communication skills. This is most likely what happened in your situation.

I like Femme's comment.
Your art is nice, you definitely have a potential

@Nolus:

I'm messed up

! I have (so far) "carved" (as in cut) 3 ancient nordic runes into my leg.
! One of my personalities says "Well, if I cut myself, I might as well do some magics with it" the other one says "But it's like… it hurts and it won't work. I will curse myself" and the logical one says "What the fuck..."

! Okay, first, it happens. Hopefully you find it within yourself not to cut yourself again, but what's done is done - don't beat yourself up for it.
! Second. DON'T. DO. MAGIC. WHEN. YOU. CUT. It won't help for sure, it can make things worse. I don't know if magic exist, I don't believe in magic, all this stuff may be simply subconscious suggestions and delusions, but if you don't know what you are doing you may hurt yourself more.
! Please stay safe.

@CoralSnake:

http://i735.photobucket.com/albums/ww360/coralsnake/image_zpsg92wc5yq.jpg

Drew up a probably disturbing chibi pic of time skip Garp and Sengoku for Valentine's! Lemme know if it's too offensive and I'll remove it .. Sorry. Just sharing art

this is well made picture
the only thing, that could be potentially disturbing is Garp invading Sengoku's personal space, while Sengoku is not that happy about it. But they are two adults, who know themselves for a long time and I'm sure Sengoku would hesitate to put Garp in his place, so knowing the context of their relationship it does not feel disturbing.

@Carmilla:

I often think that this place is the most hateful one I've ever seen. Then I see DarkFalcon, Outerspec, Noqanky, etc. And I realise there is something good left in here as well~

I think most people here are really friendly, although I'm probably not the best person to judge this, seeing I'm absent most of the time.

I'm only here because I've saw by chance how depressed Nolus is (Nolus if you happen to read this, you are most beautiful person and mustache, and you've made me feel better about myself and my art so many times). And since I'm checking this thread for that reason either way, so when I see other people with depression, I think it would be unfair to only care about Nolus. Everyone deserves to be care about.

I don't know if I can actually help them with what I say, but if I'm able to make anyone feel less alone with their depressions for a minute, than it's worth it.

@Ouroboros:

Thanks for the replies, everyone.

! I'm going to graduate in less than six months, and I've already poured in more than four years into this degree. No matter how much I hate it, I know that quitting when the finish line is in sight is not a good move, especially since I've put up with so much crap over the years. If I quit now, it basically means I threw it all away for nothing. But believe me, I'm very, very, very tempted to just drop out right now. As for why I'm not studying anything fun, the problem is that the depression is robbing me of any pleasure I could have felt. Things that I once enjoyed now only fill me with mental exhaustion. When everything seems so tiring and lifeless, it's hard to pick where you want to go. It's like standing in the middle of a desert and all you can see is just sand in every direction. The sun's blazing down and burning away the water inside, you don't know if there's anything out there that could make the journey worth it, so it's just easier to lie down and wait for death.

! My therapist is aware of the anti-depressant situation, but not how I feel about the situation. I've been on my current anti depressants for about 6 months now, and I've had to increase the dosage twice now. The meds work well for three months or so, but the depression slowly creeps back in until I'm having suicidal thoughts again. And each time it happened, we increased the dosage. The second increase was a few days ago. It's also the last possible increase since now I'm taking the maximum dosage allowed. I don't want to know what will happen afterwards if the depression overtakes the medication like it has before. I guess I could try some other anti-depressants if all else fails, but it's a gamble if it will work or not, and I'm not willing to risk it.
! I wish I could see how you say I'm strong. I just feel all beat up and too tired to get back up.

! I understand your situation with studies very well. I had similar problem in the past. It turned out it was a good thing I was able to put through it. But doing something, that you don't find any enjoyment in is really burdening. It really holds you down, that you know you have to finish this.
! You just never know in life, if there'd be something worth all the pain. Unless, there is something you choose to love and chase after. When you get down to it, it really matters what you choose to believe in. How to tell yourself your life - that isn't something anyone can tell you. If you choose the easier path or the harder path, that's all up to you. People are saying harder path is more worthy, but how can they tell, unless they're there?
! I for sure won't condemn you for your choices, but at the same time I believe you can make it. You just need to find therapy, that is suitable for you. I do want to see you around when I visit here. I can't tell you what you should do. I really can't. But there is a way out this desert and who knows, an oasis may actually be close by. If you're in a pit, you really can't see that far.
! If you can die or do something and possibly not die, than doing the thing is option worth consideration. The thing can be getting new meds, or graduating. Maybe one of those things holds for you future, that you can enjoy.
! I too believe you are strong. You are alive and even manage not to drop out of school, despite being very depressed. You are able to talk about those feelings with us. That means you are strong.

@Below:

Sorry to be back again so soon, but I don't know where else to go.

! I just feel so selfish and useless. My father has a court date today that I feel wholly responsible for and the only thing that I can manage to do is lie in bed like a pathetic pile of garbage and sulk about myself. I'm terrified. I'm scared that I may not see him again. I'm scared that he doesn't know how much that I love him. And yet, here I am, whining about poor, worthless me.
! I can't stand it. I can't stand the fact that I always have to make everything about myself. I can't stand the fact that I run away from every problem that I face. I can't stand the fact that I can't tell if I'm upset because of a traumatic event or because of another spontaneous bout of depression. I can't stand the fact that I can't manage to relate to a single, solitary human being on this Earth.
! My father has worked so hard for me and all that I've given him is a lazy, unemployed, talent-less, selectively mute child who seems to connect with cartoon characters more than actual, living people.

! Allow me to dissect your claim here. Basically you are contradicting yourself. You say, that you make everything about yourself, yet half of this post is about your dad and other half about you in relation to other people.
! You find it hard to relate to others, that is certainly true on some level. But this is fine you can't be in unity with other people, otherwise you would never be able to actually meet them.
I'll tell you why it is easier for you you to connect more cartoon characters. Connecting to cartoon character is beginners level in the game, connecting to actual people is ultra hard certain death level. This has nothing to do with your skills or supposed personal ineptness, it just the fact one task is infinitely harder than the other.
When you are connecting to fictional characters you are in total control, as they are not independent beings in this world, they only live in imagination. But, when you try to connect to other people you don't have this control. You have to meet those people. They disappoint you millions of little way, they betray you by simply being not as you have imagined them. When you meet other you have to change. They have to change. To change you have to destroy some part of yourself. It's uncomfortable. You may try to control them, or they may try to control you, to avoid change. It's constant fear, insecurity and discomfort. Of course it can be wonderful transformative experience, that brings you good thing. Yet this comes through pain. You subconsciously associate pain and difficulty with meeting others, while connecting to fictional characters doesn't have this baggage, while it still gives you possibility of a positive change.
! The point of all of this is to show you that you are not failing at anything. You are a human being. This is part of the experience. True, you have depression, and not everyone has it, but it's medical condition - you can't simply wish it away. You don't need to blame yourself for that.

@Ouroboros:

! I feel just so dead and hollow on the inside. I remember a couple of months ago all I could do was just cry and feel worthless, but this goes beyond even that. I just look on my life and the world with apathy at best. It's not acceptance so much as it is resignation. I've given up hope for everything. I don't think I'll ever be able to feel anything that aren't negative emotions anymore. I remember I was laughing pretty hard during a class activity, but then a few minutes later I was just sitting down feeling melancholy and disconnected while everyone around me was chatting and having fun together. When I look back and talk about my past issues to my therapist, it's with a dull monotone. I can talk about violent arguments I witnessed that frightened my child self with no more interest than watching paint dry. Perhaps the only thing I really do feel is contempt for this world and everybody living in it. I know it's not true, but my experiences have left me bitter and cynical to the point that I believe all humans are evil and have only selfish motives.
! Long story short, I had bad experiences with fair weather "friends" and bullies thanks to being that kid, which pretty much destroyed any chance of a social life as well as crippled what meager social skills I had. Then there was the nightmare that was my family, even if for many years I couldn't recognize the abuse and trauma. That left my sister as the only confidant I ever had, and still do up to a certain point. But despite going through nearly the exact same things, she somehow managed to become a "survivor" as everyone loves insistently calling abuse victims, with a job, a close knit group of friends, and a stable relationship with an understanding boyfriend to top it all off. I became a social recluse and somehow just like my parents, in the sense that if some poor soul ever got close to me, I would probably terrorize and emotionally manipulate/abuse them just like my parents did to me. No matter how I look at the situation, I don't understand why my sister got through while I just floundered about. All I can think is that if she was born with the qualities to get through the situation in as healthy a manner as possible, then I was born with the qualities to become a terrible person just like my parents. I guess I was just born defective; under the right circumstances I could become a horrible person, someone to reviled and declared wrong by society. Maybe if I had grown up with a different family I could be different, but I doubt it.
! I only have my sister and therapist to talk to, but I feel even they aren't listening to me. When I talk to my sister about my troubles, I always feel a sort of tension around her, like she's saying, "I don't want to hear your whining again." She does let me rant, but I always feel guilty for putting her through something she doesn't want to relive. And she gives me the same advice my therapist does, "don't give up" or "it doesn't have to be this way." Blah blah blah. Maybe they mean well and I can't just see it, but every time someone throws a positive saying in response to my venting, it really feels like I got slapped for opening up to another person. Not only is that advice completely worthless to me, but it shows they aren't actually listening. I don't want to be told to cheer up or have my beliefs validated; I just wanted someone to listen to me and let me vent all that crap I bottled up for years. But I can't do that when I'm being interrupted every so often to be told thinking negatively is wrong.
! I don't even know why I'm here ranting when I've come to expect either positive quotes told to me, or be decried as a bitter asshole of an attention whore who just loves making everyone miserable. I'm just so tired of slogging through life. Every day it's the same; get up, try to stagger through the day in misery so that I can go home and just sit around in more misery, then sleep. I can't feel any sense of fulfillment or joy in anything I do, and my anti-depressants can't help there since the're slowly failing as my depression worsens. Everyone actively avoids me and I'm too terrified to approach them, I hate what I'm studying, and I have no real plans for the future. I don't see any point in living anymore, and I've just given all hope for a better life. The only reason why I haven't killed myself already is because I'm too scared of what will happen after I die. I hope one day the burden of living becomes too much to handle so that I can find the strength and will to do what I should have done years ago and end my suffering. Maybe all I'm doing now is just living, waiting until that day comes at last. I don't want to die, and I don't want to live like this, but I can't see any other way out.

! I'm not here to tell you not to give up. I can ask you not to give up, but that is different matter.
You are doing things your way. your way of dealing with your problems is good for you. This does not guarantee successfully overcoming your problem, but lets face it - nothing in this world guarantees success.
I can tell you one thing about your sister - she seems to be able build her world around herself, but that doesn't mean, that she is equally successful with building things inside herself. Yet 1) from the outside she seems like fully functional human being, 2) she has support system outside.
You don't have this, but that doesn't mean you are in inherently worse situation than her. Yet you look at her and see the things you lack and you are sure you have it worse.
Inside you are a process. Endless destruction and endless construction. It may not seem like it, but you are changing. This is inevitable. If you are skillful person you can direct those changes in directions you like. You are probably good at this, you just don't know yet. You will only find out when you try, and than after some time look back and see how much progress you've made.
The big problem for you is that you can't live or build outside world very well and this isn't a barrier you can cross by yourself. You need luck to to ever find people, who would help you with it. They may or may not come along, although it seems that they usually come along if you are willing to wait long enough.
Sorry for being really hazy, and it's likely you don't find, what I said very helpful, you either probably already know that or you can't connect that to your life. But I have one question for you. If you hate what you study, and you don't see any future for yourself either way, why won't you drop it and study something fun?

@Hasumi_Emi:

Brook still shows concern for how people see him. When the people of Fishman Island were saying goodbye to the Straw Hats and saying how they don't hate humans anymore, he wondered how they felt about bones as well, and was happy for the consideration when the 5 girls said they liked him, too. I imagine Brook would at least be concerned about what the other Straw Hats would think, and I KNOW Emi is concerned since she's my character, so that's going to play a role in the conversation one way or another. Maybe they don't care what strangers think, but how their friends and crew mates feel would be a concern to them. Plus, being a pirate doesn't mean that you can't have fears and insecurities. Just look at Buggy. He's a pirate who once sailed with the legendary Gol D. Roger before eventually forming his own crew. Yet he still shows a lot of concern for how people see him and what they think of him. He's always thinking people are making fun of his red nose, even when they aren't. He even accuses his own crewmates of it on multiple occasions regardless of what they actually said. I don't see any reason why Brook wouldn't have a similar insecurity. Heck, even when he was fully human he was concerned about how his crew mates saw him at least based on the Anime, which is what most of my story for Emi is based on since I haven't read the Manga yet. In one episode during his backstory about his days with Laboon and the Rumbar Pirates, he gets embarrassed when his crew makes fun of him for being sentimental. I don't know if that moment is considered filler or not, but for the purposes of my OC anything that happens in the anime is "canon" (including the movies written by Oda), so it counts for this.

You are confusing different issues here. They won't care for other's opinion on how they choose to live their lives, that doesn't mean they can't be concerned and insecure over plenty other thing, like appearance or power or ability or even personality.
Who they choose tho be with is how they live their lives.
Straw Hats are huge freedom believers. They wouldn't even mind Brook being with whoever he wants to be with. Are you suggesting that Brook doesn't know his crew?
Well of course your character is different issue, and no one can tell but you.

@Hasumi_Emi:

Thanks. ^_^ I've tried drawing and coloring via photoshop and such, but it just always feel really weird. It just feels more "right" doing it with old fashion pencil and paper, even if it means risking screwing something up and not being able to just "undo".

So, I've had an idea in mind for a while for a picture and a little story to go with it, but I need some help. I think I'll try asking here for now rather than making a new thread somewhere else. I'm wondering what everyone thinks Brook's reaction would be when having a completely serious conversation about romantic relationships? I don't know WHEN I'll have things be "official" between Emi and Brook, but I want to try and get an idea of how it would go. I keep getting ideas in my head, but I'm not sure how Brook would handle it. I figure if Emi were to talk to him about it, he would joke a bit, but then express concern over how it would be perceived by the others, thanks to his age and physical state. Brook is 90 years old, Emi only 21. The age difference alone would be enough to really creep out most people, at least in the real world. (maybe One Piece universe folks wouldn't care about the age, I dunno) Add to that his being a skeleton, and you've got one really weird relationship.

Hoping to get some dialogue help for this situation, as I just don't know what would be fitting for him to say and I don't want it to sound too out of character for him. But, it's not often that he really speaks seriously, without throwing in skull jokes.

they are pirates, they'd be damned if crap like "what people would think" could get to them. Brook creeps out most people just by being. Something like age difference here weights very little.

I tried to draw some character in more cartoonish way

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And there goes again my watersolube crayons stuff.

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keep drawing. You will get better. Honestly, while your effects don't look so good yet, you are doing many things right. I see here a lot of potential for improvement. Try shading. Don't leave things with flat color.

@Prismeru:

Just Quit my job (like 10 minutes ago). By quitting my job i'm gonna let down one of my best friends cause i won't be going to Japan to talk with a poet we want to translate but at the same time she had put a fuckload of pressure on me cause i had to translate a whole book in under two weeks while at the same time managing all the project of the year of the company and have at the same time the domains i have on the internet and at the same time tutor kids and now everyone makes me connect everything and when i crumble no one understands the extent of why and i'm gonna let everyone down and now i'm having a fucking meltdown and i'm gonna colapse and i need someone to talk to.

Edit: I'm sorry guys. This is just something i speak with my best friend but i'm not speaking to him right now. Yes, that's right. I drew away like the only person in the world i think really understands me and can make stop being suicidal.

I'm terribly afraid i fucked up my best friendship in the world

Hang in there. Sometimes things work out in unexpected way. You may be able to make up with the friend.

Psychological meltdown are nothing to ashamed of. You do not need to be angry at yourself for having one at this time. Tell people you have to do one thing at a time, no one can expect you to do everything at once. Figure out what is most important to right now and do it first.

@Carmilla:

Awww you look so cute and that hat is so awesome :3 :happy:
You really like Corazón don't you?

Aw, thank you.
Yes, I really do like Corazón. He is such a sweetheart. And he is really complicated character and funny. And his Hat is just perfect.

@Below:

! Thank you for your kind words of advice. My parents not accepting me has got to be one of my greatest fears, especially because they're the only thing keeping me from being homeless right now and I've already caused them so much grief in the past (and present).
! I don't have a therapist or any kind of professional help and I'm incredibly broke. I don't have any kind of medical insurance and I haven't been to a doctor in ten years (Save for a handful of ER trips). So, I'm out of luck where medical attention is concerned.

! I could never borrow money from someone I've just met in good conscience but thank you, that was an amazingly kind and generous offer. You are correct, though, my economic situation is all kinds of terrible right now; I can't afford anything at the moment. I'll probably get books from the library like you've suggested but I'm a bit scared of what would happen if anybody in my family found them. I'd hate for them to worry about me or, worse, think that I'm just doing this for attention.
! On the point of accepting and expressing myself as a girl, I can't right now. My house is too small and my family's too big, I have younger siblings with an affinity for rummaging through my things, and since I'm not the only unemployed person in my household, somebody else is always home. Although back when we had a larger house, I would "borrow" my stepmother's shoes and walk around in the basement (Jesus, that's embarrassing).
! I've tried numerous things to make up for the fact that I don't have a job. I clean the kitchen every day. I've always loved to cook for everyone but my stepmother got mad at me and said that I wasn't allowed to anymore because everyone just wastes what I make (Which, as far as I can tell, isn't true but there's no arguing with her). She's also told me that I couldn't get a babysitting job because people would expect me to rape their kids. So there's that.

! Thank you for your advice. Getting help is very hard at the moment because I don't have any money or medical insurance so my help is limited to family members (Which seems like a no-go) and internet forums. Though, to be fair, you guys have been the most accepting and helpful group I've ever come across.

! there are probably means of finding help that would not require spending money on them. There are organisation, that give free professional consultations, but of course there is no guarantee, that exist or has an office in your area. Furthermore, they may not be sympathetic to your identity. As far as I know trans-phobia is a thing even among some therapists. Probably it's best to stay clear off church affiliated helpers. It is unfortunate, but you need to be careful, with whose help you take.
But there is one thing you do have access to. And that is the Internet. There are self-help groups for trans-people, and they are to be found in the Internet. There are also life-lines specifically for trans-people, run by trans-people. Seek out there will be people willing to help you work out your stuff and people. The ones that actually know what they are doing. You may find help with the therapy, and who knows maybe there is some help program, available for you, that would give you access to free medication. Chances for such lucky occurrence may be low, but you won't find out unless you try.

@Below:

So, I've been a lurker here for quite some time and only recently made an account and started posting but I've read through the majority of this thread and I seem to be within good company. So, if I may…

! As far back as I can remember I've always wanted to be a girl.
! As a child I always found myself envious of girls, though I typically thought nothing of it. But after I hit puberty I started to express myself more femininely. I grew my hair out, started shaving my legs (Boy, did my stepfather NOT like that), I hung out with the goth/scene crowd at school because "Yay! I can wear makeup here!", and I wasn't able to get along with most men (Again, that pesky stepfather). And because of all that, the bullying was plentiful. But I try not to let that aspect of my adolescence bother me. Much.
! Anyway, dysphoria set in along side my crippling inferiority complex, social anxieties, and manic depression (Ain't I just a ball o' fun?) and eventually I just stopped talking to anyone. I spoke when I had to, sure, but for the most part I was silent wherever I went, still am if I can be honest. So then I started taking medication to combat these feelings. Only problem was that it wasn't my medication. I would steal others' prescription drugs from their medicine cabinets (Mainly just from my mother but occasionally from other places as well). And, being ridiculously stupid and depressed, I would take more than recommended on the bottle. In fact, it was almost routine for me to down at least half a bottle of cold medicine before school. So it had gotten to the point where I was taking eight to ten painkillers at once and my friend found out and flushed the majority of the pills (Even though I haven't seen him in years, I still consider him one of the best friends I've ever had).
! That was a bit of a digression, but skip ahead a few years and I'm living with my father and stepmother now. Old enough to work but can't find a job and the weight of being transgender is slowly crushing me into nothing. I don't feel that I can tell any of my family without receiving negative responses so I've decided to refrain from "unleashing the inner diva", as a friend of mine once put it, until I move out. But that day seems like it will never come.
! And although I'm not formally diagnosed, I'm fairly certain my depression is worsening by the day. I don't take any pills anymore but I've been tempted numerous times. I don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but I've considered suicide. A lot. Thankfully, I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it but the thoughts still scare me. Though sometimes, when it gets really bad, I'll tightly tie a cord around my neck and go to sleep in the hopes that maybe I won't wake up in the morning.
! I'm a terrible person. I know I am. I've been told that I am. I am a suicidal, unemployed, gender-queer failure with no money, no friends, and, let's face it, no future.

Sorry for the long read, everyone.

none of those things make you a bad person or a failure.

! you've stolen pills from people, true, it's a bad thing to do, but as a teenager with no help and guidance what were you to do? You just did, what you've thought was best for you. It's not like you've wanted to hurt someone. Doing bad things somewhere along the line does not make you a bad person.
If you are feeling that your psychological issues are getting worse, seek help. Don't take pills that are not prescribed to you. If you get medication prescribed by a doctor make sure, there is someone watching over you.

not really a drawing, but certainly my own work

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Corazon's Hat
Red Heart Bella Yarn
knitted with a chrochet
model - me
photo - my friend

@Nami:

Well, talking with my dad about serious stuff always leads to me crying my eyes out because my dad is kinda.. incapable of saying things in a nice way. He just has a very grumpy way of saying things.
That's why I usually write him e-mails or letters. Or fb messages, lol.
But I just did that last week. And I think if I'd ask him what's wrong this time he'll just pretend I'm stupid and overthinking things. Or he's mad about stuff that I already explained to him. I think he's just in general annoyed with me cuz to him it looks like I'm not doing a lot aside from oversleeping and sitting in front of my laptop all day. I just don't think he wants me here, no matter how many times he would deny it if I'd confront him with this.
Like, I know he's annoyed that I'm such a loser and he'd rather have me kick ass.. but.. yeah, that's just not how it is.
I will look into finding a flat close by, thing is it's kind of an impossible thing here. Also can't do that before I haven't made some money.
There's one thing that happened 1 1/2 years ago that has.. kinda broken our relationship. and it might be beyond repairing. I at least don't know how to do that.
I mean, isn't it kinda unnatural not to at least ASK your child where it will be for christmas? That he left me alone for christmas is a whole other story.

.. I could probably go on a rant for the next 2hs but it's not like it's gonna solve anything. I just fucked it up. My dad and I had our good years and they're gone now.
He might not want me dead but he sure don't want me around either.

maybe your dad just don't know how to show, that he cares in a way you understand. This often happens among people, who have very different ways of communication. In such cases people can't understand one another as they assign different meaning to their actions and signs. Things like tone of voice, facial expressions and doing every day chores can carry a lot of meaning, but one side don't always understand the other, as they have very different idea about what those meanings are. Sometimes it is just easier to understand one another with bare words alone - like while writing an e-mail.
Your dad may also have vary different grasp of things that are important in life, than you, and it takes him time find out what you find important and why, so at some points he just can't react appropriately or in a way you want and need him react. That doesn't mean, that he doesn't care or is angry at you.
I hope things get better for you.

@Nolus:

! One of the teachers at uni said that fantasy is more a woman-thing.
And two boys told me that they're ok with boyish personality but not really with boyish looks.
! Maybe I can connect with boys that way, but they will only see me as a friend because I'm not girly enough.
! I just really feel ashamed of the whole thing. I wasn't really forced to do it, and enjoyed it sorta, but looking back, I feel I've made a huge mistake. At least my period prevented me from doing a bigger one.
I guess I did it because I thought it was going to be a serious relationship. I'm such a fool.

! I don't think I was forced. But I was certainly manipulated. I mean, what could've I done when the boy started kissing me on the mouth and the neck and stroked my back. It all felt so good. And it also felt good to make him feel good. But now I think he made all this so I would pleasure him. I don't know. He says it was all sincere and such, but I just don't know.

! first of you don't own a boy sex or anything for kissing and stroking you. He also shouldn't kiss you without your permission, basically verbal permission is better, because it's clear and it gives you more assurance that you indeed agreed on all that, but if he leaned to kiss you and you made a move towards him to allow him that is fine as well - but if you don't affirm this verbally, you won't likely remember what you've done in that split of second and you'd be forever unsure if you've wanted to be kissed or not.
it's likely that he hoped for an outcome, where you pleasured him, but that doesn't mean he purposefully manipulated you. Manipulation would mean, that he used or invoked in you you feelings to override your will on the matter- in that case, that he wanted you to give him a blowjob, regardless if you wanted to or not (he might have use the fact, that you felt obligation to do that).
If you were to continue anything with this guy you both need to learn to communicate your desires, needs and concerns better.
! Now you may feel ashamed, because you don't know if what you did with him were consensual or not, and you feel violated, but at the same time you are not sure if violation happened. Either way, this situation doesn't fit to your idea, about haw sex should happen and you blame yourself for letting this happen. You may also feel guilty about being so uncertain about this situation. But I want you to know, there is nothing wrong with being uncertain. There is also nothing wrong with what you did with this guy. If he indeed manipulated you, although it doesn't seem that way, he is to blame, not you. There is nothing you should be ashamed of. But it's also understandable, that you feel guilty and ashamed in such situation. You don't need to blame yourself for having such feelings, but they will require working them out, possibly with your therapist.
If you want to distance yourself from that guy - it's okay - do whatever you feel would be safest for you. If you feel that for some reason you can't let him on your problem, than it's probably the best option not to continue things with him. But if you can explain situation to him and he accepts it, he may be some support to you.
! You may also feel inadequate about this situation because you've got from this guy what you've need and depression is fighting to get you back. Depression is sort of selfish creature, it wants to continue it's existence in your psyche and doesn't want to give you your life back, so it kicks in when something good happens and tries to overwhelm you with bad feelings about yourself. I hope it's needless to say it's not your fault. It's just how this illness works.
! You deserve all the best. I hope you get better soon.

@Nolus:

! I hate being a female. I like my body, but I hate certain aspects of being a female.
I hate that everyone wants me to be more like a woman, and only my friends would actually be okay with me dressing like a man/boy. I hate how this all makes me feel inferior and unlovable in a romantic way. I hate that I always get how I'm emotional BECAUSE I'm a woman, I like fantasy BECAUSE I'm a woman, but when I like something like a game with tons of tanks in it, I'm suddenly too boyish and not a good candidate for a girlfriend, at least in a heterosexual relationship.
! I'm afraid no boy will truly love me for what I am, no one will ever say they love how I look, and how I dress and that I'm the way I am.
! I hate being exploited, but I'll forever do it again because I'm hungry for love and I'm hungry for someone who to touch me and make me feel I'm not a ruin of a human being. Even though I know it"s all wrong.
! I feel ashamed that I've had a one night stand against my will, and that it was so one sided. I gave three blowjobs and probably would've given my virginity too if it wasn't for my period. I feel like a whore.
! I just want someone to stand in front of me, hold up a shield and save me from all of this. But I'm ashamed because it means I'm weak and I want a knight in shining armor to save me, like a spoiled princess.
! I was dangerously close to jumping yesterday. I literally sat out in the window, on the edge. I just couldn't do it because I knew that boy would've felt it was his fault and that I'd probably cause the people who'd find my body really hard times.
Maybe if I jump into the Danube, my body will disappear. In the middle of the night I'm sure there are no people there.

! Maybe try calling a life line if you feel suicidal and you are afraid of calling your psychiatrist.
People who would reject you because of the way you dress are not worth your time, even if it's not easy to find people, who would accept you, it's because people are shits or too afraid to act decently, not because there is something wrong with you.
! There is no need to blame yourself for sex. Not ever. That also goes for sex you had in order to satisfy some other psychological needs. There is nothing impure about it. If I understood you correctly you forced yourself to do it. Or were you persuaded of forced? Have you voiced your concerns with the matter to your partner?
You did nothing wrong, please don't feel guilty, I'm afraid, that if person, who received blow job from you, knew you weren't quite comfortable with the situation, he may use your guilt to control and abuse you.
! It's okay to be weak. There is nothing wrong with needing someone. There is nothing wrong with desiring someone who would protect you. There is nothing shameful about being weak or having some weakness. Honestly, the fact that you still alive proves, that you posses great strength.
In our culture we have a lot of narrations glorifying strength, strong spirit and self sufficiency, also emotional self-sufficiency. So you think those things are measurements of good or successful life and you feel inadequate, when you see you are lacking those. But those are false mirages. In truth in various moments of our lives we need to emotionally depend on others. Needing and wanting support doesn't make you any weaker.
! You are one of the kindest people I've ever met in the Internet. Please don't kill yourself.

I'm amazed by wonderful quality of your coloring and shading. You're great.

wow, your work is really so beautiful and inspiring

thank you, I was planing to redesing more faces, but I hadn't had the inspiration. I may or may not do more in the future.

any way I also doodled some JoJo's

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Sorry I hadn't updated this thread for a long time, but now I have some more stuff to present

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Law from the time when there was a mermaid craze on tumbr
some more color palettes

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Rokushiki Robin + haki

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Koala - fighting stance

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no more clones - my redesing of some of identical female from One Piece

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my idea of how Ace could have looked like after time skip

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and gender bender Ace

very nice. You have improved.

I'm struggling with myself, whether to post in this thread or not. I feel really uncomfortable here. Perhaps I should ask for permission to wreck havoc and tear everything in this thread apart? It feels like hardly anyone knows what they are talking about.

I'm just dropping some stuff
I've been doing this color palette thing

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as bonus some redrawn screen caps from One Piece anime

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… and I coloured this.

@LazySketcher:

Yeah, I just woke up and found out a couple of ppl reblogged one of my things. I guess that's how you were able to catch it, otherwise I don't think it'd be that simple to find.

It's just a place to throw up my doodles and sketches every now and then. Admittedly it's kind of fun, but I'd rather not make it a big thing to distract myself with.

It'd be real cool if some of you guys here on AP would put up more art though, that'd be cool to see. I know you and Saisai have tumblrs, I dunno if anyone else does though.

In fact a couple of people do, I'm following some of them. Some people have links on their signatures.