'How I learned to stop complaining about my plugged up ears in Japan'
To all of those considering spending time in Japan at some time in your life, heed my warning. Listen well, and never, ever forget.
This past trip to Japan was a dream no matter how you slice it because I was with my girlfriend almost 24/7 for 4 weeks. However, the circumstances were sometimes less than desireable when I caught the flu and felt shitty for about two weeks. The time I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't hear out of my ears and my eyes were beet-red leading to my going to a hospital by ambulance at 2AM wasn't a whole lot of fun either. Regardless, I still valued our time together.
Now, back to the ear thing. After the whole hospital ordeal I had to go to an ENT (Ear Nose & Throat) specialist to get proper diagnosis. I told him about my stuffed up ear, he did a little test and said it wasn't a big deal, the main thing should be to get rid of my other symptoms first. Ok, no big deal, I can live with that.
Two days later I visited again for a check-up. My condition hadn't changed all that much and I complained about my ears again. In the known history of the World there have been great errors in judgement. I'm talking about such debacles as: Germans uniting under a man promising to save them whose name was Hitler, joining Heaven's Gate cult, messing with Rome and Chrono Cross. My friends, complaining of the ear blockage to the doctor makes those errors quiver in fear and terror.
The doctor looked at me and said, "Well I guess we'll just clean out the ears then." He handed me a rubber stopper which he requested I stick in my ear and hold there. His four attendants then descended on me like harpies and sat my back up straight , tilted my neck down and held my head in a downward-facing position. The doctor then proceeded to pull out a device the likes of which I cannot and will not describe in detail here for the sake of children under 18 and grandmas everywhere. In short, it was a 5-inch pike with a rounded tip that he casually shoved in my nose and then into the back of my face. He then turned on a compressor which blew air into the depths of my head and shot it out my ear, hitting the stopper and creating a sensation which I can only recall as being similar to stuffing one's head into a 4-inch box. Finally I heard a cracking and the device blew through a barrier of mucus and opened my ear.
For when he pulled out the snake from within my nose I didn't feel a freaking difference but holy-God did I shake the shit out of my head and swear seven times to Sunday my ear never fucking felt better.
Time for the other side.
Now truth be told, the ear he had just 'cleared' didn't really feel all that bad, the other ear, my left one, while not in pain, felt like I was listening to the world about me through an Olypmic-sized pool. Needless to say the process was repeated again….but failed. The blockage was too great. So what was the solution? Bigger pike of course. He actually pulled out a pike with a bigger rounded end and shoved it in again, much to the dismay of my central nervous system. But no, that one wouldn't do either. This called for the big momma. The doctor then pulled out a shaft the likes of which I've only heard whispers about in dark corners of the World as existing in pornos that can't be sold in broad daylight. The moment he plunged this cursed shaft of pain and misery from days of yore into the inner caves of my nasal cavity, I can only recall one thought and one thought alone, "My God, I have just been nose-raped."
My entire body shot up into the air out of the seat but his army of harpies held me tight. They shouted out (supposedly for my 'safety') that if I were to look up it would dangerous. I could feel the bloody tool in the back of my mouth, inside the walls blowing against my eardrum. Finally the cracking sensation came. Tears automatically shot from my eyes and water ran from my nose, he pulled out the lance covered in my own boogers and gave a sigh of relief as stars danced in front of my eyes. The condition of my ear? No better, but he will never know. I wouldn't let him know.
So my good friends, if you're ever in Japan and you feel like you have a blocked up ear, for the love of all that is holy and good in this mortal coil, never tell anyone. Keep it as a tiny secret that only you and the invisble gnomes will know. Now go, run free as wiser safer people, knowing that your life has been saved by the great suffering of one simple man.