I'm at a really low point nowadays and I'm having too many suicidal thoughts. I've come to the state where I want to just leave it all and escape. I want to escape from myself. I desperately wanted to become something good but didn't realize I'm nothing like that. I've ruined all my opportunities and any hope I might have had.
Confession Session II
-
-
Now I feel like a complete idiot, I don´t know why I accepted my former friend back in to my life. I thought he had changed, after 7 months I really thought. But everything is still the same, he still thinks he is superior to me and he keeps putting me in uncomfortable situations. Talking to him is impossible because he likes to monologue, he just wants to talk and talk, ignoring what I have to say or not taking into consideration.
I wrote a message saying the reasons why our friendship ended. This time I will be stronger. For me, our relationship is over.
About my girlfriend, she will begin medical school (9 years of extension), and she wanted to marry and have children before starting college. I said I don´t want to have childrens now, only after she finished college and have a job.
We had a fight and unfortunately, our relationship ended.
When AP used to be good:
NEVER FORGET !!
-
Now I feel like a complete idiot, I don´t know why I accepted my former friend back in to my life. I thought he had changed, after 7 months I really thought. But everything is still the same, he still thinks he is superior to me and he keeps putting me in uncomfortable situations. Talking to him is impossible because he likes to monologue, he just wants to talk and talk, ignoring what I have to say or not taking into consideration.
I wrote a message saying the reasons why our friendship ended. This time I will be stronger. For me, our relationship is over.
About my girlfriend, she will begin medical school (9 years of extension), and she wanted to marry and have children before starting college. I said I don´t want to have childrens now, only after she finished college and have a job.
We had a fight and unfortunately, our relationship ended.
Don't let it end after just one fight, especially when it's something like that. How long have you guys been together?
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
I'm at a really low point nowadays and I'm having too many suicidal thoughts. I've come to the state where I want to just leave it all and escape. I want to escape from myself. I desperately wanted to become something good but didn't realize I'm nothing like that. I've ruined all my opportunities and any hope I might have had.
Can you explain more? I don't have much time to read these threads so I've missed a lot. Call the Suicide hotline if you can if things don't get better within the next couple of days.
One thing I can say is, try to look forward to the little things. Stop focusing on the world around you, and just focus only on what you're doing at the moment, literally. If you're listening to music, listen to it and enjoy it. If you're reading that one chapter of One Piece, read it and enjoy it, and discuss about it here. Draw a random painting, and admire what it is, simply because it only existed because you made it. Watch a story about a character that overcomes his psychological issues and succeeds in the end. Find a happy place that makes you happy, and forget about what society thinks of it.
It's hard for me to type this, because I have some sort of mental issue, probably (I tend to get over things/be "normal" not too long after stuff happens. I still have things I'm depressed about, but for some reason, it doesn't bother me that much depending on the moment. Like when I'm typing a long post like this to help someone.), but I wanna do the best I can.
Usually, when we are depressed, a commong theme tends to be lacking hope or purpose in the forseeable future (which can range from tommorow, to the next 5 years). But regardless of what it is, try to look at the trees instead fo the forest.
Basically, slow down time. Just do the things you can at a good pace. Don't worry about adhering to a strict schedule. Instead, just improvise each day. Just do what you want, when you feel like it. (That's if you can, I don't know if you're in college or not though, that might be a different story. Again, I don't know, so forgive me if this isn't as helpful as it could be.)
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
Do you have the chance to go grocery shopping with them? Maybe you can get actively involved in what is bought at your house so you can keep a better lookout on what you eat.
When i lost weight i had to get actively in what was bought at the house cause back with my parents they just had a bunch of junk food and a lot of meat (I don't even eat red meat :B ) Also, i highly recommend you see a nutriologist to help you. You can do it man. I know it's hard but you can do it (Hey,if i could you can!)
And totally unrelated but i bring some Susan Sontag on love from Brain Pickings, a site everyone should know (if someone here knows Maria Popova tell her i'm madly in love with her and would like to marry her). They are some inspiring quotes and i think they can help people in general :3
! https://img1.etsystatic.com/002/0/6447484/il_570xN.369364163_qrgd.jpg
I go grocery shopping with them and suggest stuff, but it's hard because I don't have much time to prepare the food, and they find it easier to prepare the meals they're used to/prepare it like they would other foods, because reasons.
If I say that "I wanna be eating this and that more often", they'll either dimiss it and say "no, you need this, (because, again, reasons)" - OR - they actually do it, but half-assedly. I might have to stick with the half-assed plan, because at least helps with something.
FMA 03> FMA Brotherhood
-
Don't let it end after just one fight, especially when it's something like that. How long have you guys been together?
If you are talking about my former friend, 9 years and I´m not going to be his friend again.
If you are talking about my GF, 2 years, I want to stay with her, but she wants everything now.
I have a job and I can sustain both of us, but if I have to take care on a son now, things will get ugly, plus I really doubt she can take care of college and a child at the same time.
Well, I will talk with her, see if you can come to an agreement.
When AP used to be good:
NEVER FORGET !!
-
If you are talking about my former friend, 9 years and I´m not going to be his friend again.
If you are talking about my GF, 2 years, I want to stay with her, but she wants everything now.
I have a job and I can sustain both of us, but if I have to take care on a son now, things will get ugly, plus I really doubt she can take care of college and a child at the same time.
Well, I will talk with her, see if you can come to an agreement.
It's fine you don't care about the friend.
For the GF, I think this can get sorted out. When did you guys have that fight? It's one of those things where you just gotta "calm everything down", you know?
(Again, I'm not trying to give snarky or rude remarks here, I'm doing the best I can)
FMA 03> FMA Brotherhood
-
It's fine you don't care about the friend.
For the GF, I think this can get sorted out. When did you guys have that fight? It's one of those things where you just gotta "calm everything down", you know?
(Again, I'm not trying to give snarky or rude remarks here, I'm doing the best I can)
It´s not a bad thing, I REALLY should forget about him. I was stupid, willing to be his friend again.
About my GF: The fight was today, but I think you are right, she said it was a "time out", there is a chance to fix, but..how ?
-
By talking to her? Trying to find common grounds and coming to an understanding?
This all sounds like a huge rush into things. Express that you'd prefer to take it slower, but that you'll eventually hit the things that she wants (kids, marriage) when the time is right for both parties. And if she can't understand that, then…yeah there's no need to have someone manipulating your life from the get go in terms of family affairs; especially when it areas that require long term commitment like kids and marriage. Ugh
Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/pomeranianhero
deviantart: http://pomeranianhero.deviantart.com/
-
By talking to her? Trying to find common grounds and coming to an understanding?
This all sounds like a huge rush into things. Express that you'd prefer to take it slower, but that you'll eventually hit the things that she wants (kids, marriage) when the time is right for both parties. And if she can't understand that, then…yeah there's no need to have someone manipulating your life from the get go in terms of family affairs; especially when it areas that require long term commitment like kids and marriage. Ugh
Thanks, I will talk with her, see if we can find a "in between" condition.
-
I'm really on the verge of just jumping down. Thank you all for wanting to help but I just can't do anything. I hate myself. I wish I could be someone better.
-
I wish I could help you Nolus. I'll be right here if you need me. Please leave me a message by any means possible.
-
We're all here for you, Nolus. We've all been in shitty situations, or ARE in shitty situations, but we can find little things to hold on to. You can too.
Do what ShinigamiKing suggested and call the Suicide Hotline if you're really at the end of your rope. If you can back down get in touch with a counselor and/or a psychiatrist so you can talk these feelings out more. They can help you in more ways than we can, although like I said we are always here for you.
-
I'm really on the verge of just jumping down. Thank you all for wanting to help but I just can't do anything. I hate myself. I wish I could be someone better.
Don't do anything like that Nolus. Let's just talk. A lot of people in the world love you. Please don't do anything like this. If you need to talk i am always available or will try to be. Let's just talk.
-
I'm really on the verge of just jumping down. Thank you all for wanting to help but I just can't do anything. I hate myself. I wish I could be someone better.
You are an awesome person, Nolus. I know that things will turn around for you, and you deserve it. Just hold on a little while longer and keep it up. You're too important to throw it all away <3
I for one am glad I quit my job, though I've been sick the entire past week with bi-annual "death hack" from allergies so I haven't accomplished zilch in my time off. But it was definitely not worth throwing my life away, not for an instant.
I've got a great opportunity to interview for a position in a hospital where my friend works. It sounds like a great deal, though it's a position that might not open up until the beginning of the year. They are short handed and need help, but they run on 12 hour shifts 7 days on and off (it will be the night shift) and right now with my school schedule I can't physically accomplish that. Next semester I think I've got it worked out to where I can fit all my classes into MWF on top of each other and then have tuesday and thursday off to sleep regularly. But I had to pay way more than usual the amount in bills for October and it took almost half of what I had. I will then have much LESS due in bills than I normally have in November, but there's also gas and food :|
I need my cough to GTFO so I can finish all the work that needs to be done around the house and not choke to death, and I've got a week or 2 before I will know more about the interview. So if I can quit coughing in the next couple of days (plz body) that gives me enough time to get all the things done, next week is the 2 day all-day hands on training part of my sterile compounding course, so there's that too.
I'm mostly worried though that I DO need money for my gas to get to school, there's no public transportation where I live. I won't cry if I get behind a month on my bills because if I DO get this job then I'll make more than enough to finally get shit paid off. I'm concerned about trying to find a part time now and if it takes awhile for that job to materialize if I DO get it, just end up quitting after only working a couple of months. I hate to do that to people. Hopefully since the holidays are coming up, by the end of October seasonal hiring should be in full swing and I can always get a christmas job at the mall or something again.
So all in all, I think things will work out. If they don't, I won't be totally crushed I'll just keep trying. It was worth getting out of that shitty store. I'm starting to feel more like myself again which I haven't done in a loooooooong time.
Now how to tell my friend nicely to stop asking me to buy her lunch :'D I offered for her to come and eat here some days but my mom ate all the food and I can't afford to be throwing down $12 meals. -
You are an awesome person, Nolus. I know that things will turn around for you, and you deserve it. Just hold on a little while longer and keep it up. You're too important to throw it all away <3
I for one am glad I quit my job, though I've been sick the entire past week with bi-annual "death hack" from allergies so I haven't accomplished zilch in my time off. But it was definitely not worth throwing my life away, not for an instant.
I've got a great opportunity to interview for a position in a hospital where my friend works. It sounds like a great deal, though it's a position that might not open up until the beginning of the year. They are short handed and need help, but they run on 12 hour shifts 7 days on and off (it will be the night shift) and right now with my school schedule I can't physically accomplish that. Next semester I think I've got it worked out to where I can fit all my classes into MWF on top of each other and then have tuesday and thursday off to sleep regularly. But I had to pay way more than usual the amount in bills for October and it took almost half of what I had. I will then have much LESS due in bills than I normally have in November, but there's also gas and food :|
I need my cough to GTFO so I can finish all the work that needs to be done around the house and not choke to death, and I've got a week or 2 before I will know more about the interview. So if I can quit coughing in the next couple of days (plz body) that gives me enough time to get all the things done, next week is the 2 day all-day hands on training part of my sterile compounding course, so there's that too.
I'm mostly worried though that I DO need money for my gas to get to school, there's no public transportation where I live. I won't cry if I get behind a month on my bills because if I DO get this job then I'll make more than enough to finally get shit paid off. I'm concerned about trying to find a part time now and if it takes awhile for that job to materialize if I DO get it, just end up quitting after only working a couple of months. I hate to do that to people. Hopefully since the holidays are coming up, by the end of October seasonal hiring should be in full swing and I can always get a christmas job at the mall or something again.
So all in all, I think things will work out. If they don't, I won't be totally crushed I'll just keep trying. It was worth getting out of that shitty store. I'm starting to feel more like myself again which I haven't done in a loooooooong time.
Now how to tell my friend nicely to stop asking me to buy her lunch :'D I offered for her to come and eat here some days but my mom ate all the food and I can't afford to be throwing down $12 meals.Aw yis! Here's a Dog hi5.
I'll cross my fingers so you get that job.
-
In a foreign language class, we had a quiz. But instead of it being that she gives us the english words for us to translate, she decided to put up a picture of an action for us to figure out then write.
What the hell? So I have to interpret then translate? Why are you making us do two jobs?
It was bullshit especially since a couple of the pictures could be interpreted in many ways.
But part of it was my fault because looking back, I had a few brain farts. I don't know why, but for some reason, my mind is "different" when I'm taking a test compared to when I go back and review it later. I start realizing how retarded I was feeling and it just doesn't make sense to me.
In the end, I finished with a 89. But I'm pissed, because this has been happening to me a lot recently, and I don't know why…
Anyway, English is still annoying. The reason why is because of the dogmatic opinions of the teacher! "Nah, this is the correct way that the story is, your interpretation doesn't have much evidence to support it" - even though she didn't even let me explain the evidence yet…
But for some reason, as I bring up points, I can't remember or draw up what I was thinking about before, so I end up having some random pauses while speaking because I'm trying to remember what I freaking thought about just 20 seconds ago. Then, when the teacher steps in, that's when I remember it, and that feeling pisses me off.
I'm probably making a big deal out of this, but I was really pissed off today about that for some reason. I was really getting angry in my mind, throwing swears around. "F this shit, this shit sucks, f all you stupid teachers", etc.
I'm also upset because when I do these English tests, I'm sooo s l o w at them. I take way too much time trying to gather my thoughts, and way to much time trying to understand the question. Part of it is because the questions are usually ones that we never really talked about in class, so I have to come up with stuff on the spot. But that sucks, because I ended up getting an 88 on a quiz a couple of days ago even though I was firing on all cylinders in class, when it came to understanding and analyzing the story.
I hate this. Yeah, yeah, I'm still getting B+'s. But you know what? I got a freaking 69 on my History test because the damn teacher put stuff that she didn't even focus on in class, nor tell us to focus on in class. Like, what the fuck does that really fucking accomplish? It's freaking irritating. She put huge emphasis on this one part in class, just for it not even show up on the test in any form, cold turkey.
But you wanna know what? I hate myself. Because other kids are still getting A's. Sometimes it's me just having a half working brain that day, and some days, it's me not trying to look at everything - including that one thing we talked about for 2 minutes for one day in the middle of the chapter - the day before the test.
Fuck me.
Anyway, I've been noticing how really pathetic I can be sometimes. I imagine how it would be like if I was some other person, and I got to meet someone just like me. (Forgive me for lack of better words if that was unclear.) I realized that I'd think that guy has a lot of problems, but still has a chance.
This is a long post, but I have to rant, cause it feels good I think.
I'm making progress in my story. I realized that I make progress whenever I watch a new show or so. Watching a new show keeps its ideas pushed into my locked subconscious, and thus opens itself up to me every now and then, allowing me to come up with new ideas. Though, I have to be wary about whether or not they are too similar.
My experiences, observations, and thoughts also provide inspiration as well.
–-----–-
And Nolus, I'm feeling really sad reading your post. I don't want someone that I've seen on the forums disappear like that.Assuming your in your 20's, I have to say that this is something I've noticed a lot among people in that age group. I was gonna say that you shouldn't kill yourself, simply because you're not gonna live again. You're never going to get another chance to live again. But I realize that I haven't felt that low. So I can't offer as much advice as I need to. And for that I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to improvise here.
The issue with you is that you're lacking hope, and something to look forward to, correct? Nothing about your life really encourages you to get up out of bed and go on. And you know what? It's fine.
Go for a long sleep in bed. I don't know how, but just rest for a long time. This might sound fairly obvious, but I'm gonna try to come up with something here. Try setting small goals for yourself. It can be that you're gonna draw a cartoon tree one day, then walk around the block the next, undertake a challenge after, etc. Build it up so that you get a large goal that becomes something amazing.
Or if you can, completely change your regular schedule. Drink lemon tea, for instance. Go for a jog. Just run as fast as you can, or play a sport, or even a game against someone else. Physical activity or competition really just makes you forget about the real world sometimes. And although that may be a temporary solution, one could say that depression is a temporary problem, so that's something. Focus on killing that depressive feeling, while at the same time working towards a goal in mind.
I'm sorry if this isn't enough. I have to go to bed soon (I've spent about 30 minutes typing this whole post actually). I'll try to see what I can do tomorrow.
-
I'm very interested in the Persona series, but all this talk from ShinigamiKing is making me feel like I don't want to revisit High School again.
What are the averages for those exams if you know them off the top of your head?
-
Shinigami - A really good way to improve your test taking skills is to make sure that you study in an environment that's similar to what you'll be taking the test in. When you are doing your homework, try to do it in a quiet, secluded spot. Don't pore over your texts while relaxing in bed and listening to your favorite album, because you're never going to be able to reproduce that kind of environment when you're actually being tested on the material.
I've heard that people who chew gum while studying will do markedly better on their tests if they are allowed to chew gum during the examination.
Also, you're not alone in feeling like you can't remember what you were just about to say during English class. That was always my weakest subject, and I would often try to participate, only to make myself look like a babbling fool because I couldn't put the thoughts or words together when under the spotlight.
-
High School English will always end up being something pretty controversial because I feel like most schools aren't good at cultivating good writing habits, instead fostering a sense of "well the teacher's pretty biased towards this kid and not me" which is… well kinda unavoidable but manageable. Schools just aren't good at managing it. Much easier to manage numbers and scientific facts, but this still kinda is just a workaround that ignores a big problem with cultivation of talents.
-
English is the bane of every high schooler's existence. I just learned to listen to the teacher's interpretations about your current reading material, because there's a really high chance one of those long answer questions will just be a rehash what they said in class. It's even more likely when you have a dogmatic teacher like yours Shinigami King.
-
I find enjoyment in only two things. Violence and alcohol…...
-
I find enjoyment in only two things. Violence and alcohol…...
I thought it was Hitler and heroin?
-
@MDL:
I thought it was Hitler and heroin?
But they dont give me enjoyment…. Love is cruel, MDL, love is cruel.
-
Confession - I post on a forum about a manga and anime series. I hope no one makes fun of me for this, it's incredibly nerdy.
-
Thanks for the advice guys.
I generally study on a table. There's times where the TV or computer are on in the background, but I don't ever really find myself getting distracted at them, so I'm not really in a hurry to turn it off.
That's not to say that I always have it on in the background, but sometimes I do.
I'm gonna have to stop it entirely and see what happens.
–-
Does anyone have parents that believe "anime is bad" etc.?
It's annoying. "Stop watching those chinese cartoons, they'll give you nightmares". Like what? It's literally just cartoons from another country.
It ain't too big a deal though, since they don't always stop by in my room all the time, but you get the point.I'm gonna have to get back to football practice eventually, since my knee is healing. I hate it though, because it takes up 4 hours, and I progressively get weaker as I do them. So I pretty much have to get on a really strict diet in order to get some of this weight off me, compared to before in the summer where I could just lift and start seeing some noticeable differences. Oh well, it won't last forever I assume.
I'm still feel anger on that test grade though. Like why does the teacher throw in stuff that we never covered?
My grades are mostly gonna be B's and maybe A's, but still. It's annoying. I kinda dislike the current school system of "homework, quiz, homework, test. And if you don't do well on a test that doesn't even properly assess your ability to learn, you fail. Get ready for more years of massive debt in Student loans."
I dont' know, I'm probably complaining a lot, but oh well.
FMA 03> FMA Brotherhood
-
Does anyone have parents that believe "anime is bad" etc.?
It's annoying. "Stop watching those chinese cartoons, they'll give you nightmares". Like what? It's literally just cartoons from another country.
It ain't too big a deal though, since they don't always stop by in my room all the time, but you get the point.I'm gonna have to get back to football practice eventually, since my knee is healing. I hate it though, because it takes up 4 hours, and I progressively get weaker as I do them. So I pretty much have to get on a really strict diet in order to get some of this weight off me, compared to before in the summer where I could just lift and start seeing some noticeable differences. Oh well, it won't last forever I assume.
My grades are mostly gonna be B's and maybe A's, but still. It's annoying. I kinda dislike the current school system of "homework, quiz, homework, test. And if you don't do well on a test that doesn't even properly assess your ability to learn, you fail. Get ready for more years of massive debt in Student loans."
My parents never complained about anime, but that may be because my mother is Chinese herself (CHINESE cartoons? for fuck's sake), so she has no problem with anything Asian in the house. But it's sad if your parents can't appreciate foreign animation. If they get on your case you can try to tell them that you're old enough to judge what is "nightmare-worthy" or not, and that anime contains the full spectrum of genres. But I guess I can't guarantee they'll listen.
And you still have to go back to football? I'm sorry. Just try to really take care of that knee. The only silver lining is that the practice is good exercise, and make sure your diet is a HEALTHY diet, and not a "starve yourself" diet.
The school system thing I'm afraid is one thing that isn't likely to change anytime soon. That's something you're just going to have to deal with, or talk to your teacher to find a way to better deal with or prepare for the tests.
-
–-
Does anyone have parents that believe "anime is bad" etc.?
It's annoying. "Stop watching those chinese cartoons, they'll give you nightmares". Like what? It's literally just cartoons from another country.
It ain't too big a deal though, since they don't always stop by in my room all the time, but you get the point.My parents saw in a bad light everything i did hahaha. anime, videogames, reading, not doing sports or being introvert. Sometimes parents just want to preach to you. Just don't worry about and enjoy it.
Uh, i mean Anime. Not being preached.
-
Luckily the knee isn't paining too bad. But football still sucks… ugh...
I'll try and get everything sorted out though. Perseverance is important in life.
And anime thing? I can manage that. Eventually, they'll get over it I think.
And again, thanks for all the advice for everything.
-
I'm really surprised my family doesn't say much anymore about my anime habits, especially considering the amount of money I've spent on shit (not that they.. or even myself know the exact amount XDDD but I have a ton of shit). My room is covered in it, but I'm fine with being anime trash. It gives me something to do, something to enjoy. My schedule has sucked this past year, and I quit my job in part because of how bitter it made me. Hopefully if I get this new job, I'll finally have money and a schedule that will allow me to actually go out and see people and pay off my bills and live life again.
School is already making me bitter. I feel like playing video games again but I feel guilty and study instead… I quit working and I don't have much time to do anything but study :/ I've been sick with allergies/death hack the past couple of weeks and it STILL hasn't quite gone away... lasting a bit longer than usual. I can finally move around without wheezing to death though, that's something. I'm really annoyed with my lab professor.. I understand you are grading our science papers strictly, that's fine, I want to learn how to write it properly, but I wish he would lose the pompous attitude that I should already know how to write a scientific paper. I've written many many many many papers and essays (especially historical ones), I love to write, but I have never ever EVER written a scientific essay. EVER. Period. It seems some people in my class did write at least one in high school but my high school science courses were a jooooke. I did way more in middle school, in fact those memories are what I'm having to glean most of my knowledge from because we literally did jack shit in high school biology. I want to learn how to properly write a scientific paper but stop acting like I should know how to do it already. It's really rude. I appreciate the harshness of wanting us to do it properly, but the condescending attitude is XP. Otherwise I have no complaints about my other professors.
I don't know how to balance my study time and relaxing time... Now that I don't have to work rofl. If I do end up getting this one job it will be the nightshift so on my work weeks trying to get studying in.. well I may only get my lunch breaks as literally on the days I have class I only have time for getting 4-5 hours of sleep and then getting ready/driving to/from work and school. I'll have plenty of time on my off weeks but there will still be reading and assignments that can't wait to be done then :'D Since I'm using financial aid I still have to take 12 credits next semester... I'm gonna forgo doing biology II until I can drop below full time. I need to find all the courses I can take with the least amount of reading OTL though as far of what's left of my requirements for the core, my pickings are slim...
-
confession
ive been on this one digital pet site for the past 10 years, though i'm not active on it much. Every year about this time, i log back on for their dumb pirate week event and i buy (with my points) the shit out of every pirate themed item they put out during my spare time. For some reason, many years ago I hoarded this one pirate-themed object that came out, and now that it's retired, I use the ones i own to fuck with the supply/demand of that object in the user shops to lower the value when i want to buy, and to raise the value of the item when i want my account worth to increase. I have subconsciously decided that I will 'win' the site if i can get all or most of that one particular pirate item.
i just realized i have never really told anybody this and i think i just realized how weird it really is
-
Taboo is a monopolist. Bless her heart.
-
Taboo?
!
-
edited it for accuracy bc im shit
bye
-
Taboo is the Pirate Queen.
Sort of.
-
Taboo is queen of that pirate booty
-
oh god I used to play those online virtual pet sites all the time as a kid. i'm ashamed to admit how many billions of hours I spent as a young teen training my pets and hoarding stuff
For nostalgia's sake today I actually somehow unbelievably remembered my Neopets password and logged on to look at my (14 years old!) account. Most of the stuff I had in my deposit box and gallery is now super-rare/retired, i could probably sell it all and be a neopian billionaire, lol. I remember collecting most of that stuff too, though it feels like a hundred years ago. It's like taking a peek back at my younger teen self, kinda surreal
a mood come alive.
-
Ill probably die of cirrhosis at the age of 25 /facepalm
-
-
Ill probably die of cirrhosis at the age of 25 /facepalm
I got gout at 22 cause of my drinking. Step up your game :p
-
Got some stuff I kinda wana get off my chest.
My life's been a ridiculous roller coaster of bad and good for a while now ever since my Grandfather passed away due to cancer about 4 years ago, and it's steadily getting harder to take…
When Grandpa first got cancer, My mother and I quit our jobs to take care of him since his Social Security and Disability checks were big enough to cover rent and bills for all of us (Being a Disabled Veteran)
but it left us somewhat unprepared for his sudden passing, in which I had to step up and become the breadwinner for the family.Since then I've been going through tons of ups and downs. It's hard, because when it rains it REALLY pours, and it's feeling unrelenting.
My car is having overheating problems and I literally can't make it to work now, I either need to take the bus or get a ride from someone, which is a bit stressful as I've never done public transit before now. Not to mention the overall lack of freedom that comes from having a car and being able to go anywhere anywhen and having that taken away...
I used to rely on overtime at work, which was at one point plentiful, it was common for me to work 50+ Hour weeks, and that REALLY helped paying the bills... now my job is perfectly staffed, so I'm only getting the standard 40 hour work week and that's hurting me and making it harder to pay the bills. Saving for a new car will be next to impossible because of this.
And to top it all off, one of my best friends is living at my house now because of something horrible that happened at her prior home that is making her unable to live there anymore.
Her living here isn't stressful really, she's actually a wonderful roommate, it's just helping her go through the emotional aspect of this... I care about her a lot, so it hurts me quite a bit that she's going through this... I can tell she's more upset than she's letting on...I really don't know what to do right now... about any of my problems... or if there's anything more I can do than I'm already doing... Just venting feels good though.
Switch Friend Code: SW-1795-2519-1884 • Click Here to check out my Twitch Channel
-
Got some stuff I kinda wana get off my chest.
My life's been a ridiculous roller coaster of bad and good for a while now ever since my Grandfather passed away due to cancer about 4 years ago, and it's steadily getting harder to take…
When Grandpa first got cancer, My mother and I quit our jobs to take care of him since his Social Security and Disability checks were big enough to cover rent and bills for all of us (Being a Disabled Veteran)
but it left us somewhat unprepared for his sudden passing, in which I had to step up and become the breadwinner for the family.Since then I've been going through tons of ups and downs. It's hard, because when it rains it REALLY pours, and it's feeling unrelenting.
My car is having overheating problems and I literally can't make it to work now, I either need to take the bus or get a ride from someone, which is a bit stressful as I've never done public transit before now. Not to mention the overall lack of freedom that comes from having a car and being able to go anywhere anywhen and having that taken away...
I used to rely on overtime at work, which was at one point plentiful, it was common for me to work 50+ Hour weeks, and that REALLY helped paying the bills... now my job is perfectly staffed, so I'm only getting the standard 40 hour work week and that's hurting me and making it harder to pay the bills. Saving for a new car will be next to impossible because of this.
And to top it all off, one of my best friends is living at my house now because of something horrible that happened at her prior home that is making her unable to live there anymore.
Her living here isn't stressful really, she's actually a wonderful roommate, it's just helping her go through the emotional aspect of this... I care about her a lot, so it hurts me quite a bit that she's going through this... I can tell she's more upset than she's letting on...I really don't know what to do right now... about any of my problems... or if there's anything more I can do than I'm already doing... Just venting feels good though.
Just vent then :3 That's what this thread is for.
-
Are you serious?
Sadly yes, ive been an alcoholic since 15 years old. Im 21 now, still going strong. Cheers
-
UPDATE to something I posted about earlier for anyone who cared:
And to top it all off, one of my best friends is living at my house now because of something horrible that happened at her prior home that is making her unable to live there anymore.
Her living here isn't stressful really, she's actually a wonderful roommate, it's just helping her go through the emotional aspect of this… I care about her a lot, so it hurts me quite a bit that she's going through this... I can tell she's more upset than she's letting on...Today, She JUST got approved for a new apartment! She has a place to live!!!
Switch Friend Code: SW-1795-2519-1884 • Click Here to check out my Twitch Channel
-
Sadly yes, ive been an alcoholic since 15 years old. Im 21 now, still going strong. Cheers
I really think you should consider A.A. You're already past the first step. I'm sure you don't need me telling you alcoholism is nothing to play with, so I'm just going to encourage you to get help. There's nothing wrong with a good support but there are many things wrong with what you just described. Do take care.
@Rin: Good on both of you. You for your emotional support and her for finding a place to live. I'm positive your support really helped in that process. Also, good luck on your bills and whatnot. I'm in a bit of a rut myself finacial wise.
Everything's Eventual…
-
[hide]I guess I have nowhere else to put this. I just hope I'm not making a mistake by posting this.
Long story short, I've been wanting to have someone to just listen to me as I vent about abuse I suffered in the past. Not to tell me to get over it, and how to do so. Just to listen. I don't have any friends, so the only person I can talk to is my sister. But I don't feel it's fair for me to dump my troubles onto her when we both experienced the same thing, and while she's dealing with troubles of her own. I have a therapist I can talk to, but an hour a week is not enough, and I can't afford to shell out money to go more often. So I just bottle up these feelings of shame and others inside where they belong. Most days I keep them under control and pretend they don't exist. Some occasional days bits and pieces slip out and I blurt out some secret about me to everyone listening. But there are those rare days when I am reminded of my weakness, and it brings up all these negative feelings within me until I'm left crying silently by myself. Today just happens to be one of those days.
I've never been comfortable revealing this to others because I feel like it's unwarranted, selfish, and weak of me. There's always that kid who falls and just scrapes his knees lightly, but screams like he's dying, all for some cheap and quick sympathy. That's what I feel like when I vent; just a crybaby blowing things out of proportion for attention.
I know that there are so many people who have it worse than I do. There are those who lost everything in life. There are those who are born with nothing, struggling to survive to the next day. And yet, there are stories of those kinds of people who overcame their tragedies, and became stronger people for it. They did it all without ever crying about it like a brat. I have food, shelter, and money. I have so much more than these people who had nothing at one point in their lives. And yet, all I can do is just cry and feel worthless about myself. I should have been able to withstand something so minor in comparison, and move forward as well. What right do I have to talk about how much pain I'm in when there were people who suffered so much more? I feel I should be grateful for what I have. But I don't. And I hate myself for being so spoiled that I take what I have for granted.
I'm too frightened to open up to anyone else, because I fear that others will scorn and despise me once they see what a worthless shit I am. They'll tell me that my troubles are nothing big, that I'm crying over spilled milk, that I should get over it. It's frightening to open up even slightly only to get rejected for my troubles. But it's inevitable. How could someone see the real me and not recoil in disgust? I've always derided others for being superficial and shallow, but it's all just a case of projection and self hatred. I'm the one who is shallow. I pretend I'm normal like others even though my act is blatantly fake, but beneath that mask of normality there's nothing but hatred, rage, sadness, contempt, resentment, and most of all shame. Shame for being so weak that in the end I broke down into this fucked up mess I am today. Shame for making things so bad back then.
I've heard that victims shouldn't be blamed for the abuse they go through. Maybe it's true, but I can't accept it in my heart no matter how hard I try. All I can think is that if I had been wiser back then, maybe I wouldn't have let my parents destroy me emotionally so many times by pulling away from them. Maybe if I hadn't been so impatient and unruly they wouldn't have gotten so mad at my unacceptable behavior and started a shitstorm. Maybe if I had been smarter, I would have succeeded in acing more tests and made them proud instead of disappointed. If I had just been better, things wouldn't have gotten so bad back then. But I was a stupid idiot who didn't learn the first time that fire burns, because I craved it's warmth. So I kept going back and getting burned for all my troubles. I'm so ashamed of who I was back then and who I am right now.
I should have been stronger and better. If I wasn't so weak, I wouldn't have to babble out such shameful things. If I was stronger, I could have overcome the trauma and pain without crying to others and burdening their lives. If I had more self confidence, I wouldn't feel like everyone in the world hates me and is trying to tear off my mask to reveal my true ugly self.
Lately, I've been feeling that maybe I should just die. The world would be a better place and no one would miss me. If I was dead, my sister wouldn't have to worry about when her brother would come calling to bitch about things no one wants to hear about. My parents wouldn't have to keep pushing me to get up and do something worthwhile. My classmates wouldn't have to ignore that weird kid who just sits in the corner and doesn't speak to anyone. These forums wouldn't have to deal with such a shitty poster who just annoys and pisses everyone off. No one would have to pretend that they tolerate me any longer. I don't have anything constructive to offer the world. I don't even know what I can get out of posting all this crap. All it would do is just show everyone here how weak and pathetic I truly am, and all the scorn that comes with it. I guess I'm really just an attention whore looking for some cheap sympathy.
[/hide]
-
You have every right. One person's pain does not magically lessens another, no matter how great. It only puts things in a perspective where you realize, 'Yes, it could have been worse, but it's pretty bad as it is and I have to deal with mine.'
If you can come to terms with that and cease blaming yourself for things mostly out of your control then I will say nothing further besides.
'Time heals all wounds.'
Even if it leaves a scar.
-
[hide]I guess I have nowhere else to put this. I just hope I'm not making a mistake by posting this.
Long story short, I've been wanting to have someone to just listen to me as I vent about abuse I suffered in the past. Not to tell me to get over it, and how to do so. Just to listen. I don't have any friends, so the only person I can talk to is my sister. But I don't feel it's fair for me to dump my troubles onto her when we both experienced the same thing, and while she's dealing with troubles of her own. I have a therapist I can talk to, but an hour a week is not enough, and I can't afford to shell out money to go more often. So I just bottle up these feelings of shame and others inside where they belong. Most days I keep them under control and pretend they don't exist. Some occasional days bits and pieces slip out and I blurt out some secret about me to everyone listening. But there are those rare days when I am reminded of my weakness, and it brings up all these negative feelings within me until I'm left crying silently by myself. Today just happens to be one of those days.
I've never been comfortable revealing this to others because I feel like it's unwarranted, selfish, and weak of me. There's always that kid who falls and just scrapes his knees lightly, but screams like he's dying, all for some cheap and quick sympathy. That's what I feel like when I vent; just a crybaby blowing things out of proportion for attention.
I know that there are so many people who have it worse than I do. There are those who lost everything in life. There are those who are born with nothing, struggling to survive to the next day. And yet, there are stories of those kinds of people who overcame their tragedies, and became stronger people for it. They did it all without ever crying about it like a brat. I have food, shelter, and money. I have so much more than these people who had nothing at one point in their lives. And yet, all I can do is just cry and feel worthless about myself. I should have been able to withstand something so minor in comparison, and move forward as well. What right do I have to talk about how much pain I'm in when there were people who suffered so much more? I feel I should be grateful for what I have. But I don't. And I hate myself for being so spoiled that I take what I have for granted.
I'm too frightened to open up to anyone else, because I fear that others will scorn and despise me once they see what a worthless shit I am. They'll tell me that my troubles are nothing big, that I'm crying over spilled milk, that I should get over it. It's frightening to open up even slightly only to get rejected for my troubles. But it's inevitable. How could someone see the real me and not recoil in disgust? I've always derided others for being superficial and shallow, but it's all just a case of projection and self hatred. I'm the one who is shallow. I pretend I'm normal like others even though my act is blatantly fake, but beneath that mask of normality there's nothing but hatred, rage, sadness, contempt, resentment, and most of all shame. Shame for being so weak that in the end I broke down into this fucked up mess I am today. Shame for making things so bad back then.
I've heard that victims shouldn't be blamed for the abuse they go through. Maybe it's true, but I can't accept it in my heart no matter how hard I try. All I can think is that if I had been wiser back then, maybe I wouldn't have let my parents destroy me emotionally so many times by pulling away from them. Maybe if I hadn't been so impatient and unruly they wouldn't have gotten so mad at my unacceptable behavior and started a shitstorm. Maybe if I had been smarter, I would have succeeded in acing more tests and made them proud instead of disappointed. If I had just been better, things wouldn't have gotten so bad back then. But I was a stupid idiot who didn't learn the first time that fire burns, because I craved it's warmth. So I kept going back and getting burned for all my troubles. I'm so ashamed of who I was back then and who I am right now.
I should have been stronger and better. If I wasn't so weak, I wouldn't have to babble out such shameful things. If I was stronger, I could have overcome the trauma and pain without crying to others and burdening their lives. If I had more self confidence, I wouldn't feel like everyone in the world hates me and is trying to tear off my mask to reveal my true ugly self.
Lately, I've been feeling that maybe I should just die. The world would be a better place and no one would miss me. If I was dead, my sister wouldn't have to worry about when her brother would come calling to bitch about things no one wants to hear about. My parents wouldn't have to keep pushing me to get up and do something worthwhile. My classmates wouldn't have to ignore that weird kid who just sits in the corner and doesn't speak to anyone. These forums wouldn't have to deal with such a shitty poster who just annoys and pisses everyone off. No one would have to pretend that they tolerate me any longer. I don't have anything constructive to offer the world. I don't even know what I can get out of posting all this crap. All it would do is just show everyone here how weak and pathetic I truly am, and all the scorn that comes with it. I guess I'm really just an attention whore looking for some cheap sympathy.
[/hide]Don't Worry Ouroboros, this a safe haven and you can vent all you want. Also, it's never a crime to want to live. Don't feel bad about who you are and never question your worth. There will always be a person happy for you. Just for being you. If you ever feel the need to vent again you can do it here or PM if you feel like it.
Also, don't feel bad if you feel like crying. Crying is never bad.
edit: To everyone reading this. We won't judge you if you vent or share something personal here. Don't worry. And If someone ever does judge or say mean things i will personally kick his teeth in (Ok, i'm scrawny as fuck but i'll find a way around it).
-
[hide]I guess I have nowhere else to put this. I just hope I'm not making a mistake by posting this.
Long story short, I've been wanting to have someone to just listen to me as I vent about abuse I suffered in the past. Not to tell me to get over it, and how to do so. Just to listen. I don't have any friends, so the only person I can talk to is my sister. But I don't feel it's fair for me to dump my troubles onto her when we both experienced the same thing, and while she's dealing with troubles of her own. I have a therapist I can talk to, but an hour a week is not enough, and I can't afford to shell out money to go more often. So I just bottle up these feelings of shame and others inside where they belong. Most days I keep them under control and pretend they don't exist. Some occasional days bits and pieces slip out and I blurt out some secret about me to everyone listening. But there are those rare days when I am reminded of my weakness, and it brings up all these negative feelings within me until I'm left crying silently by myself. Today just happens to be one of those days.
I've never been comfortable revealing this to others because I feel like it's unwarranted, selfish, and weak of me. There's always that kid who falls and just scrapes his knees lightly, but screams like he's dying, all for some cheap and quick sympathy. That's what I feel like when I vent; just a crybaby blowing things out of proportion for attention.
I know that there are so many people who have it worse than I do. There are those who lost everything in life. There are those who are born with nothing, struggling to survive to the next day. And yet, there are stories of those kinds of people who overcame their tragedies, and became stronger people for it. They did it all without ever crying about it like a brat. I have food, shelter, and money. I have so much more than these people who had nothing at one point in their lives. And yet, all I can do is just cry and feel worthless about myself. I should have been able to withstand something so minor in comparison, and move forward as well. What right do I have to talk about how much pain I'm in when there were people who suffered so much more? I feel I should be grateful for what I have. But I don't. And I hate myself for being so spoiled that I take what I have for granted.
I'm too frightened to open up to anyone else, because I fear that others will scorn and despise me once they see what a worthless shit I am. They'll tell me that my troubles are nothing big, that I'm crying over spilled milk, that I should get over it. It's frightening to open up even slightly only to get rejected for my troubles. But it's inevitable. How could someone see the real me and not recoil in disgust? I've always derided others for being superficial and shallow, but it's all just a case of projection and self hatred. I'm the one who is shallow. I pretend I'm normal like others even though my act is blatantly fake, but beneath that mask of normality there's nothing but hatred, rage, sadness, contempt, resentment, and most of all shame. Shame for being so weak that in the end I broke down into this fucked up mess I am today. Shame for making things so bad back then.
I've heard that victims shouldn't be blamed for the abuse they go through. Maybe it's true, but I can't accept it in my heart no matter how hard I try. All I can think is that if I had been wiser back then, maybe I wouldn't have let my parents destroy me emotionally so many times by pulling away from them. Maybe if I hadn't been so impatient and unruly they wouldn't have gotten so mad at my unacceptable behavior and started a shitstorm. Maybe if I had been smarter, I would have succeeded in acing more tests and made them proud instead of disappointed. If I had just been better, things wouldn't have gotten so bad back then. But I was a stupid idiot who didn't learn the first time that fire burns, because I craved it's warmth. So I kept going back and getting burned for all my troubles. I'm so ashamed of who I was back then and who I am right now.
I should have been stronger and better. If I wasn't so weak, I wouldn't have to babble out such shameful things. If I was stronger, I could have overcome the trauma and pain without crying to others and burdening their lives. If I had more self confidence, I wouldn't feel like everyone in the world hates me and is trying to tear off my mask to reveal my true ugly self.
Lately, I've been feeling that maybe I should just die. The world would be a better place and no one would miss me. If I was dead, my sister wouldn't have to worry about when her brother would come calling to bitch about things no one wants to hear about. My parents wouldn't have to keep pushing me to get up and do something worthwhile. My classmates wouldn't have to ignore that weird kid who just sits in the corner and doesn't speak to anyone. These forums wouldn't have to deal with such a shitty poster who just annoys and pisses everyone off. No one would have to pretend that they tolerate me any longer. I don't have anything constructive to offer the world. I don't even know what I can get out of posting all this crap. All it would do is just show everyone here how weak and pathetic I truly am, and all the scorn that comes with it. I guess I'm really just an attention whore looking for some cheap sympathy.
[/hide]First, don't EVER feel like your pain or your problems are meaningless. Especially compared to others' problems. Saying that your problems don't count and shouldn't be addressed because there are people out there who have it worse is like saying if a person walks into a Hospital with a finger that got sliced off in an accident, the Hospital shouldn't help that person because hey, at least it's not their whole arm.
No. That's not how it works. You walk into a Hospital with a sliced off finger, they help you and try to reattach the thing.
Now, as far as your issue goes… I can relate to some extent honestly. I've had a major issue in my life that left me depressed, and I've been where you are, hiding it from everybody, positive that they wouldn't understand and that I'd lose what friends and family I had and be completely alone if they ever found out. Even wanting to die. I even had the method planned out and was about to enact it when I finally broke down and got help.
I suspect our base issues are different, but I know the feelings associated with them, and let me tell you, people are surprisingly accepting and compassionate. I only lost 2 of my friends and absolutely none of my family over this, and I've made a ton of new friends since. If you need support, and your weekly therapy sessions aren't enough, then you NEED to be open about this, you NEED to talk to people and get this off your chest. I think people will surprise you with how compassionate they can be.
But as those above me have already noted, we're here to listen to you. This IS a safe haven. You shouldn't get judged here for getting stuff off your chest... I mean, that's kindof this thread's point lol.
Switch Friend Code: SW-1795-2519-1884 • Click Here to check out my Twitch Channel
-
! You have every right. One person's pain does not magically lessens another, no matter how great. It only puts things in a perspective where you realize, 'Yes, it could have been worse, but it's pretty bad as it is and I have to deal with mine.'
! If you can come to terms with that and cease blaming yourself for things mostly out of your control then I will say nothing further besides.
! 'Time heals all wounds.'
! Even if it leaves a scar.! Don't Worry Ouroboros, this a safe haven and you can vent all you want. Also, it's never a crime to want to live. Don't feel bad about who you are and never question your worth. There will always be a person happy for you. Just for being you. If you ever feel the need to vent again you can do it here or PM if you feel like it.
! Also, don't feel bad if you feel like crying. Crying is never bad.
! edit: To everyone reading this. We won't judge you if you vent or share something personal here. Don't worry. And If someone ever does judge or say mean things i will personally kick his teeth in (Ok, i'm scrawny as fuck but i'll find a way around it).! First, don't EVER feel like your pain or your problems are meaningless. Especially compared to others' problems. Saying that your problems don't count and shouldn't be addressed because there are people out there who have it worse is like saying if a person walks into a Hospital with a finger that got sliced off in an accident, the Hospital shouldn't help that person because hey, at least it's not their whole arm.
! No. That's not how it works. You walk into a Hospital with a sliced off finger, they help you and try to reattach the thing.
! Now, as far as your issue goes… I can relate to some extent honestly. I've had a major issue in my life that left me depressed, and I've been where you are, hiding it from everybody, positive that they wouldn't understand and that I'd lose what friends and family I had and be completely alone if they ever found out. Even wanting to die. I even had the method planned out and was about to enact it when I finally broke down and got help.
! I suspect our base issues are different, but I know the feelings associated with them, and let me tell you, people are surprisingly accepting and compassionate. I only lost 2 of my friends and absolutely none of my family over this, and I've made a ton of new friends since. If you need support, and your weekly therapy sessions aren't enough, then you NEED to be open about this, you NEED to talk to people and get this off your chest. I think people will surprise you with how compassionate they can be.
! But as those above me have already noted, we're here to listen to you. This IS a safe haven. You shouldn't get judged here for getting stuff off your chest... I mean, that's kindof this thread's point lol.Thanks guys. I was really afraid that I would just get more messages of "GET OVER IT CRYBABY" or "IT'S NOT THAT BAD." When I saw your messages, I started crying again. It's really pathetic that I'm so starved for acceptance and love that seeing something as minor as "you have every right to cry" makes me tear up.
-
late but:
@Ouroboros:Thanks guys. I was really afraid that I would just get more messages of "GET OVER IT CRYBABY" or "IT'S NOT THAT BAD." When I saw your messages, I started crying again. It's really pathetic that I'm so starved for acceptance and love that seeing something as minor as "you have every right to cry" makes me tear up.
Like the others suggested, this isn't a place where we act all insensitive. When someone is feeling down, or is battling some demons, this thread is always willing to offer an ear and a shoulder to lean on. :)
. 
 
