Confession Session II
-
-
Valliantt is a bit of a coward.
That said I confess that it's great to see that the Pomeranian lady is back
-
@Purple:
Valliantt is a bit of a coward.
That said I confess that it's great to see that the Pomeranian lady is back
Don't call her coward!
She'll just leave us again. -
Hey that's her title speaking not me. I for one would much prefer for her to stay.
-
I see a valiantt. Welcome back bruh.
Also thought I'd share this zachri trivia since I learned this recently
[Hide]Not only was my mum in labour for 5 days and in and out of hospital, but the umbilical cord was apparently wrapped around my neck.
#ffszachri[/hide]
-
[Hide]Not only was my mum in labour for 5 days and in and out of hospital, but the umbilical cord was apparently wrapped around my neck.
#ffszachri[/Hide][hide]Yeesh. Why'd the doctors let her stay like that for that long? Don't they recommend doing a C-section if it goes longer than 24 hours? ._____.[/hide]
-
-
@Print:
Going to rant a bit about someone I live with - I don't like doing this but I wanna get it off my chest and telling her this in the past has only lead to big drama.
My flatmate C has all but given up on life. She doesn't really do anything except eat, sleep, and play EVE Online. She wakes up around 4-5pm and then plays through until really late at night…it's not at all uncommon to see her still playing when I leave the house at 7am. She used to play games and never go out before, but she at least balanced it with social media, and she doesn't do much of that anymore. And on Sunday she had a minor breakdown over getting food in, to the point where she eventually threw money at me (literally) and told me to get us pizzas delivered...which she then didn't eat when they arrived because she went for a smoke and fallen asleep. It especially gets to me because she's on voice chat most of the time, so she'll be there talking away and getting all stressed and barely paying attention to any of us in the flat. And because of my condition, I can't actually tune it out - same way that if there's a TV on around me, I literally cannot not watch it, and it scatters my thoughts.
I got back from work this evening feeling too tired and headachey to go out to a friends' event and figured I'd try relaxing a bit with one of my comfort food meals (pasta, peas, hot sauce, spices) but I'm just feeling irritated by the noise from the voice-chat and my flatmate getting more worked up about something in that game than she does over her actual breakup with her partner, who is still covering for her financially and otherwise. I don't want to snap at her because she'll snap and start calling me an abuser again like she did when I kept her off the PC for 5 minutes once when she wanted to play (because I was arranging my partner's funeral...).
I'm almost feeling like I'm more relaxed at my office desk than at home at times like this. Perhaps it's just as well that I'm going to have to move in half a year.
And thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I'd ask for advice about what to do, but so many of us have tried so much with her, and yet she seems fairly determined to drive herself into this precipice.
I feel like jumping on the bandwagon and offering my condolences, but then a thought occurred to me: She has depression. No one would shut themselves out of the world unless they have deluded themselves that there is no hope in the world and that the online "world" is a better place to "live" in. I've lived that life before. It's absolutely miserable, and makes everyone around you miserable too, so you'll feel that you need to avoid reality even more. I broke out of it once I stopped getting financial support, and realized I'm in real deep shit. I sought therapy and medical treatment, things got somewhat better, and I'm not sucking the life out of everyone as much anymore.
You are going to move out but in the mean time, you're SOL. I was thinking that having music playing in your room will help distract you from your impossible flatmate's gamer rage, but I'm not sure if that will help.
–-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, I want to actually confess something I'm ashamed of: I'm boring. I like to think I'm insightful and relevant whenever I have something to say, but I know when I get ignored, and I know why. People don't feel that they can get anything from me, and would rather go to someone more charismatic for advice or answers, even though that person may not be very smart. And they just feel that person's ignorance to be adorable, innocent, and cute.
I also want to confess that I have no ability to modify images on my computer. I don't know how to use image editing software, and have no patience to learn it. Yet this bugs me and makes me envious somehow. Maybe it's because I'm blaming myself for all my faults all the time, but don't actually do anything about it. I'm impulsive, entitled, lazy, greedy, and callous. I'll admit that most people are, but that's what I don't like about most people.
Heh, it's funny I've come onto the internet to say this stuff and try to garner sympathy. I don't need it. What I need to do is focus, cut out all my childishness, and get work done. Even when I'm drained, and have no energy, I need to focus my mind and spirit. Yet, I'm not really sure if I'm doing things right. I need to see my friends more often. Well, that's some honest thinking but I'll go do stuff now.
-
All I can think about is sex its on my mind 24/7 recently weather its fucking girls or guys.
3DS FC 5429-6917-2690
Nintendo id: Lugia 16
-
All I can think about is sex its on my mind 24/7 recently weather its fucking girls or guys.
Annoying, isn't it? There's better things to think about :P (I'm being serious, I really hate when sex just clouds up my mind. I do not want to think about it).
Oh man I posted a huge rant and it erased :P Oh well, I'll shorten it up. I'm having a really hard time again:
[hide]
I'm back being suicidal again. My work has gone from bad to worse to the absolute worst to holy shit this is not ok at all. They've cut us all 10 hours a week, and we have an even smaller bare bones staff for each day. We can get nothing done at all, and even the customers were fighting with each other today. I would just rather blow my brains out and be done with it. I have nothing to live for, and I would rather just end it all.I'm so mad I can't find the power cable to my printer, I ordered a replacement but I don't know when it will be in. I'm going to whore out my resume everywhere (I HATE going in to a place and not having a resume to hand them anyway!!) and hope I can find something soon. If not, I'm just going to quit. I've got to give it a good, fighting chance though.
My boss is heartless and incredibly stupid. He then writes us up for all of his mistakes. He's very disrespectful, and his belittling a co-worker for tearing up after hearing a long time customer/neighbor of hers suddenly passed away made me lose all respect. He was very rude about me calling in when the house flooded last week, and I'm completely done. I got no sleep last week, I couldn't sleep this weekend because I was so thrown off and I slept through my alarm 6 hours this morning. I've completely crashed. I need a set, day schedule. My body has proven time and time again I cannot adjust and keep anything but a going to bed at 10-11pm and waking up between 5-7 AM type deal. It just doesn't happen, period, end of line. I need time to decompress before bed and I just can't go to bed early if I don't get home until after 10-11pm at night.
I can deal with a crazy workload, but this blatant disrespect and now extreme hour cutting is beyond unacceptable. He calls us worthless but won't fire anybody? You expect to keep employees like that?
I don't know how normal people do this. I have nothing or no one to live for. My life is empty and meaningless. Until I get my debts paid off, I have nothing. I do not belong here and I will find no life where I am at, I want to get out and find my place in the world. It will never be here. I have no will or desire to get myself up and go do things, I work the shittiest schedule so I can never see people and do things, and I don't get paid enough to afford it much, either. So what is there to live for? What's the point?
I haven't painted or drawn or done anything in ages because I just feel empty and lifeless. I don't write very much either anymore even though the ideas are soaring through my mind. I can seem to only do the things I enjoy when I'm doing ok mentally, and it's been years since I've been like that. 4 to be exact. I don't know what to do when my schedule doesn't allow me to do anything at reasonable times.
I know this sounds like a pity party, but I needed to blow off some steam. I need to calm down before I actually go through with hurting myself. I really want to this time.[/hide]
-
Annoying, isn't it? There's better things to think about :P (I'm being serious, I really hate when sex just clouds up my mind. I do not want to think about it).
Oh man I posted a huge rant and it erased :P Oh well, I'll shorten it up. I'm having a really hard time again:
[hide]
I'm back being suicidal again. My work has gone from bad to worse to the absolute worst to holy shit this is not ok at all. They've cut us all 10 hours a week, and we have an even smaller bare bones staff for each day. We can get nothing done at all, and even the customers were fighting with each other today. I would just rather blow my brains out and be done with it. I have nothing to live for, and I would rather just end it all.I'm so mad I can't find the power cable to my printer, I ordered a replacement but I don't know when it will be in. I'm going to whore out my resume everywhere (I HATE going in to a place and not having a resume to hand them anyway!!) and hope I can find something soon. If not, I'm just going to quit. I've got to give it a good, fighting chance though.
My boss is heartless and incredibly stupid. He then writes us up for all of his mistakes. He's very disrespectful, and his belittling a co-worker for tearing up after hearing a long time customer/neighbor of hers suddenly passed away made me lose all respect. He was very rude about me calling in when the house flooded last week, and I'm completely done. I got no sleep last week, I couldn't sleep this weekend because I was so thrown off and I slept through my alarm 6 hours this morning. I've completely crashed. I need a set, day schedule. My body has proven time and time again I cannot adjust and keep anything but a going to bed at 10-11pm and waking up between 5-7 AM type deal. It just doesn't happen, period, end of line. I need time to decompress before bed and I just can't go to bed early if I don't get home until after 10-11pm at night.
I can deal with a crazy workload, but this blatant disrespect and now extreme hour cutting is beyond unacceptable. He calls us worthless but won't fire anybody? You expect to keep employees like that?
I don't know how normal people do this. I have nothing or no one to live for. My life is empty and meaningless. Until I get my debts paid off, I have nothing. I do not belong here and I will find no life where I am at, I want to get out and find my place in the world. It will never be here. I have no will or desire to get myself up and go do things, I work the shittiest schedule so I can never see people and do things, and I don't get paid enough to afford it much, either. So what is there to live for? What's the point?
I haven't painted or drawn or done anything in ages because I just feel empty and lifeless. I don't write very much either anymore even though the ideas are soaring through my mind. I can seem to only do the things I enjoy when I'm doing ok mentally, and it's been years since I've been like that. 4 to be exact. I don't know what to do when my schedule doesn't allow me to do anything at reasonable times.
I know this sounds like a pity party, but I needed to blow off some steam. I need to calm down before I actually go through with hurting myself. I really want to this time.[/hide]
Take a deep breath. I know everything seems bad at the moment but things tend to get better. I was in a situation like yours a year back. Things do get better. I know it seems stupid but what i do to escape depression (and i do have constant fits about it) is eating some chocolate. And maybe you can find an anchor. Something or someone that makes you appreciate the day. Heck sometimes for me it is One Piece. It can be anything.
But mainly, take a deep breath.
-
That's part of the problem, I don't have someone or something that makes each day worth living. I have to spend a lot of time psyching myself up and forcing myself to go on and… it just doesn't last forever. I eventually crack and lose it each time.
Most people excel when the pressure is put on them to do better, but I just get worse. I have to be in a good mood and in a good state of mind to accomplish anything, and it takes so much energy to maintain it makes me physically exhausted. People getting pissed at me only makes me go backwards.
. ask for FB or AIM/Skype .
. psn & nintendo id squeesax . 3DS FC: 3797-6626-6957 .
-
That's part of the problem, I don't have someone or something that makes each day worth living. I have to spend a lot of time psyching myself up and forcing myself to go on and… it just doesn't last forever. I eventually crack and lose it each time.
Most people excel when the pressure is put on them to do better, but I just get worse. I have to be in a good mood and in a good state of mind to accomplish anything, and it takes so much energy to maintain it makes me physically exhausted. People getting pissed at me only makes me go backwards.
Do you have like a safe place or time when you can just go all out? Crying, Yelling, punching stuff or something? If it's something that is pent up sometimes it helps to just letting it go. Maybe you just need to exprees in some harmless way. A lot of people i know seem to prefer the "Yell into a pillow" way.
Sometimes when i feel down i read depressing poetry and it helps (Tears by Walt Whitman really helps) maybe something like that can help you?
Edit: Just be safe man.
Working thru some stuff. Dunno how long i will be here.
-
Do you have like a safe place or time when you can just go all out? Crying, Yelling, punching stuff or something? If it's something that is pent up sometimes it helps to just letting it go. Maybe you just need to exprees in some harmless way. A lot of people i know seem to prefer the "Yell into a pillow" way.
Sometimes when i feel down i read depressing poetry and it helps (Tears by Walt Whitman really helps) maybe something like that can help you?
It would be nice if I could go work out after work, but I have to go before. I'm not at a 24 hour gym anymore and they close right when or right after I get off work XP I would just love to be able to have a normal work schedule and be able to go do things with my friends in the evenings. I would be fine if I could just socialize more but unfortunately my schedule is damn near impossible. There isn't anyone within reasonable distance I can just have over or go visit and hang out with. That's why I can't wait to move up north with the only people I could ever tolerate rooming with, lol.
I need to go back to playing video games at night because that really does me a lot of good… but right now I feel like getting in some more social time on the internet @__@ It's a double-edge sword.
My mom would never take me over to people's houses when I was growing up so I spent a lot of time alone and by myself... I've really gotten tired of living such an existence but now even though I make my own money, I have to work when everyone else is off. I keep getting text and invites to go places and it's always during work because only a couple of people I know right now are late/night shift folks. It's very hard to keep going.
What always made me feel better when I was stressed out was swinging, but that's not something I really can do anymore. I'm too tall for the stupid playground swings over here and the tree my old swing was on died :X I don't care how old I get, that will always be the best therapy. The next best option is dancing/pacing around with my headphones on...
-
^^ Do what you gotta do to keep cool without harming yourself. Dance man dance.
It seems you do have something to look forward to. You do have something to live for. You plan on moving up north to room with friends? There's that social life you've been missing and most likely a new job. Hold on to that and remember harming yourself harms more than just you. Those friends that keep texting you and inviting you to hang out, but you're too busy? They care. I don't even know you and I care. Take care of yourself.
-
I can't watch pregnancy scenes in movies or films. I have to look away and cover my ears. Nothing from anything of the horror genre could possibly disturb me as much as seeing someone give birth.
I accept Jesus Burgess as my Lord and Savior
-
I've got a boyfriend.
For the first time in my life even? And for the first time in my life I went for a relationship with someone I don't have weird lusty feelings over, or some kind of aching crush. Everything is at peace in the world. It's someone I genuinely can imagine spending time with, working with, doing things for. And I live really close to him.
Just an incredibly healthy relationship where we both inspire each other to succeed artistically, with like this romantic base that's founded on this mutual respect of feeling good around each other. When I play guitar, I think "I want him to hear this" and I sit there practicing his favorite video game tunes, and he draws me pictures of us as obscure Kirby characters. This … feels good. There's no pressure. There's no ache. There's only a really soothing relief.
ALSO ZEPHOS IT'S KLOBBER I AM KLOBBER'S GIRLFRIEND!!! I don't think anyone else would know who it since Taboo already knows. Vanessa would know him! Wow I'm Klobber's girlfriend how did this happen.
-
When I play guitar, I think "I want him to hear this" and I sit there practicing his favorite video game tunes, and he draws me pictures of us as obscure Kirby characters. This … feels good.
Awwwww~
It's good to read a happy relationship related story on here every once in a while.
Congrats Pochipochi.
-
Pardon the belated response and I apologize sincerely for any concerns that might have manifested from my absence. Things are certainly…busy.
-
I've got a boyfriend.
For the first time in my life even? And for the first time in my life I went for a relationship with someone I don't have weird lusty feelings over, or some kind of aching crush. Everything is at peace in the world. It's someone I genuinely can imagine spending time with, working with, doing things for. And I live really close to him.
Just an incredibly healthy relationship where we both inspire each other to succeed artistically, with like this romantic base that's founded on this mutual respect of feeling good around each other. When I play guitar, I think "I want him to hear this" and I sit there practicing his favorite video game tunes, and he draws me pictures of us as obscure Kirby characters. This … feels good. There's no pressure. There's no ache. There's only a really soothing relief.
ALSO ZEPHOS IT'S KLOBBER I AM KLOBBER'S GIRLFRIEND!!! I don't think anyone else would know who it since Taboo already knows. Vanessa would know him! Wow I'm Klobber's girlfriend how did this happen.
AWWW that's awesome I'm so happy for you! And yes finding that person who you have that special connecton is the best ever. I would never trade it for anything.
I hope things keep on going great between the two of you! You deserve so many good things and I'm sure together there will be so much more.
-
^^ Do what you gotta do to keep cool without harming yourself. Dance man dance.
It seems you do have something to look forward to. You do have something to live for. You plan on moving up north to room with friends? There's that social life you've been missing and most likely a new job. Hold on to that and remember harming yourself harms more than just you. Those friends that keep texting you and inviting you to hang out, but you're too busy? They care. I don't even know you and I care. Take care of yourself.
Thanks for this ^_^ I really appreciate the kind words :) I would like to just pack up my things and get going, but I would never be able to move forward/go to school/etc because I would have no way to pay off my debts. The thing is, without school I really can't afford to get a job that will allow me to pay off my debts. Well I could do it if my job didn't slice my hours down. I've just got to find something that doesn't destroy my sanity but actually pays something.
I've got a boyfriend.
For the first time in my life even? And for the first time in my life I went for a relationship with someone I don't have weird lusty feelings over, or some kind of aching crush. Everything is at peace in the world. It's someone I genuinely can imagine spending time with, working with, doing things for. And I live really close to him.
Just an incredibly healthy relationship where we both inspire each other to succeed artistically, with like this romantic base that's founded on this mutual respect of feeling good around each other. When I play guitar, I think "I want him to hear this" and I sit there practicing his favorite video game tunes, and he draws me pictures of us as obscure Kirby characters. This … feels good. There's no pressure. There's no ache. There's only a really soothing relief.
ALSO ZEPHOS IT'S KLOBBER I AM KLOBBER'S GIRLFRIEND!!! I don't think anyone else would know who it since Taboo already knows. Vanessa would know him! Wow I'm Klobber's girlfriend how did this happen.
.
Congrats!! It sounds like you found a great match :) No pressure is always a good thing. I wish you the best of luck~
-
AWWW that's awesome I'm so happy for you! And yes finding that person who you have that special connecton is the best ever. I would never trade it for anything.
I hope things keep on going great between the two of you! You deserve so many good things and I'm sure together there will be so much more.
Thanks Vanessa…!!!
Thank you Arei!! thank you outerspec!!
thank you universe!!!!!!!!
-
@Light:
They never get banned right?
http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=24019
:P
@igetownd:I feel like jumping on the bandwagon and offering my condolences, but then a thought occurred to me: She has depression. No one would shut themselves out of the world unless they have deluded themselves that there is no hope in the world and that the online "world" is a better place to "live" in.
Yeah, I was thinking pretty much the same thing. Depressed people who cannot help themselves need others who can drag them out of their quicksand. We as outsiders are not obliged to be that someone, but at least we can choose the least damaging path for both parties, I think.
That's part of the problem, I don't have someone or something that makes each day worth living. I have to spend a lot of time psyching myself up and forcing myself to go on and… it just doesn't last forever. I eventually crack and lose it each time.
Most people excel when the pressure is put on them to do better, but I just get worse. I have to be in a good mood and in a good state of mind to accomplish anything, and it takes so much energy to maintain it makes me physically exhausted. People getting pissed at me only makes me go backwards.
I don't really know how to give other a reason to live for. Let's me just say that reading manga can psych me up… sometimes.
This seems fitting:
[hide]
[/hide][hide]I've got a boyfriend.
For the first time in my life even? And for the first time in my life I went for a relationship with someone I don't have weird lusty feelings over, or some kind of aching crush. Everything is at peace in the world. It's someone I genuinely can imagine spending time with, working with, doing things for. And I live really close to him.
Just an incredibly healthy relationship where we both inspire each other to succeed artistically, with like this romantic base that's founded on this mutual respect of feeling good around each other. When I play guitar, I think "I want him to hear this" and I sit there practicing his favorite video game tunes, and he draws me pictures of us as obscure Kirby characters. This … feels good. There's no pressure. There's no ache. There's only a really soothing relief.
ALSO ZEPHOS IT'S KLOBBER I AM KLOBBER'S GIRLFRIEND!!! I don't think anyone else would know who it since Taboo already knows. Vanessa would know him! Wow I'm Klobber's girlfriend how did this happen.[/hide]
Dawwg… this is so adorable. I'm really happy for you. Congratulation, Pochi, and I hope your relationshipwill last, too.
-
I've got a boyfriend.
For the first time in my life even? And for the first time in my life I went for a relationship with someone I don't have weird lusty feelings over, or some kind of aching crush. Everything is at peace in the world. It's someone I genuinely can imagine spending time with, working with, doing things for. And I live really close to him.
Just an incredibly healthy relationship where we both inspire each other to succeed artistically, with like this romantic base that's founded on this mutual respect of feeling good around each other. When I play guitar, I think "I want him to hear this" and I sit there practicing his favorite video game tunes, and he draws me pictures of us as obscure Kirby characters. This … feels good. There's no pressure. There's no ache. There's only a really soothing relief.
ALSO ZEPHOS IT'S KLOBBER I AM KLOBBER'S GIRLFRIEND!!! I don't think anyone else would know who it since Taboo already knows. Vanessa would know him! Wow I'm Klobber's girlfriend how did this happen.
This is disgustingly adorable.
In a nice way.
_"_Now! This is it! Now is the time to choose! Die and be free of pain or live and fight your sorrow! Now is the time to shape your stories! Your fate is in your hands!" - Auron
-
I've got a boyfriend.
For the first time in my life even? And for the first time in my life I went for a relationship with someone I don't have weird lusty feelings over, or some kind of aching crush. Everything is at peace in the world. It's someone I genuinely can imagine spending time with, working with, doing things for. And I live really close to him.
Just an incredibly healthy relationship where we both inspire each other to succeed artistically, with like this romantic base that's founded on this mutual respect of feeling good around each other. When I play guitar, I think "I want him to hear this" and I sit there practicing his favorite video game tunes, and he draws me pictures of us as obscure Kirby characters. This … feels good. There's no pressure. There's no ache. There's only a really soothing relief.
Nawwwww~ Congrats
thank you universe!!!!!!!!
Naawwwwwwwww~
hehe
-
Ash n Andy: world famous art duo and smoochin pals
Super cute x3
-
hugs the forum for comfort
I hate to do this when the thread has actually been a really happy place for a change, but I'm teetering on the edge of depression right now, being dangerously close to falling right in. I'm too tired to elaborate right now, but there's a million things all happening at once and I'm starting to lose conscious control of everything with no immediate relief in sight. And with everyone around me stretched just as thin, there's not really even anyone to open up to.
Realistically, it should be nothing I can't work through on my own, as always, but when you're just completely out of fight doing that is easier said than done. Bleh.
In Loving Memory of Toraish, Rex Avium: http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=40786 | 3DS Friend Code: 3196-4274-7836
-
hugs the forum for comfort
I hate to do this when the thread has actually been a really happy place for a change, but I'm teetering on the edge of depression right now, being dangerously close to falling right in. I'm too tired to elaborate right now, but there's a million things all happening at once and I'm starting to lose conscious control of everything with no immediate relief in sight. And with everyone around me stretched just as thin, there's not really even anyone to open up to.
Realistically, it should be nothing I can't work through on my own, as always, but when you're just completely out of fight doing that is easier said than done. Bleh.
I understand what you mean. I visited that pit of depression about a week ago and it's not a fun one.
I think you should totally avoid it =P
Whatever is happening in your life right now will end eventually, don't let it get to you. And you don't have to work through it by yourself, there's people around here and elsewhere eager to be there with you as well. Never feel like there's no one you can open up to, I'm on skype like all afternoon and night (even if the thing on the left keeps saying I'm offline), so at the least I'm almost always present. I know other people are too.
Hope you feel better soon!hugs back
-
hugs the forum for comfort
I hate to do this when the thread has actually been a really happy place for a change, but I'm teetering on the edge of depression right now, being dangerously close to falling right in. I'm too tired to elaborate right now, but there's a million things all happening at once and I'm starting to lose conscious control of everything with no immediate relief in sight. And with everyone around me stretched just as thin, there's not really even anyone to open up to.
Realistically, it should be nothing I can't work through on my own, as always, but when you're just completely out of fight doing that is easier said than done. Bleh.
You do know here at the forum there is always someone who can give you a
winghand. Just a word and you get a thousand hugs! -
hugs the forum for comfort
I hate to do this when the thread has actually been a really happy place for a change, but I'm teetering on the edge of depression right now, being dangerously close to falling right in. I'm too tired to elaborate right now, but there's a million things all happening at once and I'm starting to lose conscious control of everything with no immediate relief in sight. And with everyone around me stretched just as thin, there's not really even anyone to open up to.
Realistically, it should be nothing I can't work through on my own, as always, but when you're just completely out of fight doing that is easier said than done. Bleh.
Whatever happens, I'm sure you've got the gumption to get through it. Depression is a hell of a thing (believe me, I know), but it's totally surmountable if you've got the know how and the friends to pat you on the back through it.
pats Dryish's back
Whatever you do, don't lose your sense of self worth. And know that we all appreciate you, too!
-
^^ What they said. Dryish, you have a support system right here on these forums for whatever it's worth.
-
I've been on an endless cycle of apathy, rock bottom depression, and anger (to the point I want to throw and break things.) I can't seem to find a job, even retail (though I just graduated university.) The only opportunity I have had was a psycho dog trainer, I couldn't put up with her emotional abuse. I have no goals anymore, and I feel like I'm just a drifting ship on the sea of life with no direction at all. I feel bad for friends because they listen to me, and my mom's no help (just pray and ask that jazz.) My boyfriend is just as crazy as I am and our depression feeds off each other. I've cried myself to sleep every night this week. I'm so scared I'm going to lose everything I worked so hard for.
Sent from my SGH-T999 using Tapatalk
-
I've been on an endless cycle of apathy, rock bottom depression, and anger (to the point I want to throw and break things.) I can't seem to find a job, even retail (though I just graduated university.) The only opportunity I have had was a psycho dog trainer, I couldn't put up with her emotional abuse. I have no goals anymore, and I feel like I'm just a drifting ship on the sea of life with no direction at all. I feel bad for friends because they listen to me, and my mom's no help (just pray and ask that jazz.) My boyfriend is just as crazy as I am and our depression feeds off each other. I've cried myself to sleep every night this week. I'm so scared I'm going to lose everything I worked so hard for.
Sent from my SGH-T999 using Tapatalk
Crickley, have you thought about seeking professional help? I'm not saying that you're crazy or anything, but I've been to a psychologist before and the experience was very helpful for me.
Couples counselling can also help a lot when you feel like there are things in the relationship that are holding the both of you back.
I know that this can be a big expenditure, even if you do have good health insurance, but just a couple visits can do wonders if you take them seriously and go to a reputable professional.
edit: As far as your job concerns go… you've just got to keep at it. We all find the place we want to be in eventually if we just keep striving for it, even if we are not entirely sure what it is. Don't lose faith, 'kay?
-
Depression is a horrible thing and one that i'm really, really familiar with. Just remember that you have friends that are either there or in the internet that can support you and listen to you. And sometimes is just that. You just need someone to listen. Not offer solutions or pity. Just…listen or have an amicable talk. Don't give up guys. Also, AP is an awesome community and i know that there will be someone you can talk to in here. Heck, you can send me a PM of a Visitor message if you need someone to listen. Maybe we can even trade depressions history (ok, that sounded awful but i hope i'm getting my point to you).
-
Hey don't take this as a sign I'm back, sorry I'm really wishy-washy and noncommittal(?).
Anyway I'm on the verge of happy tears for what could be perceived as a mundane reason.
I was 1hr30m late to work. This is generally a big deal, and quite a big deal for me cuz I've never done this at this job (been late). Technically… I could have gone in only 30m late. The last hour was spent on me panicking in my car at work, staring at the fading sunset, physically constricted by the thoughts of the admonishment I'd get by going in. I couldn't move. It was like a boa constrictor was restraining me and sapping the life out of me. This job is like a second family to me, and I was devastated at the thought of losing it. I meditated a bit -- out of necessity, really (it's not like I meditate often) -- and after breathing in deeply and repeating several calm, reassuring sentences in my head, managed to go in. Expecting the worst, I'm greeted by a smiling manager who shakes my hand. He says he's just happy I came in. Another person tells me later that I'm really valuable, get things done, and that everybody there loves me and they don't want me to leave. Everyone just kind of laughed it off, even the super strict no nonsense manager. Expectations vs. reality. Life is the most unpredictable thing out there, forget fiction. I like working. It gives me a sense of belonging. I've had some problems with it on occasion, but I love life. I love the personalities I get to mesh with at work.
I know it might seem like I'm overreacting but I was late to dinner service at a restaurant, and that's considered damn bad, as you need every employee you can get during those hours, and even then you're gonna be blitzing.
I'm just so happy that they appreciate me so much, so often. Such a great place to work.
(I haven't checked my VMs or PMs, for the same boa constrictor reasons I mentioned earlier, but my laptop isn't working, so no skype. If anyone wants to contact me, try zstand92@yahoo.com)
-
I've been on an endless cycle of apathy, rock bottom depression, and anger (to the point I want to throw and break things.) I can't seem to find a job, even retail (though I just graduated university.) The only opportunity I have had was a psycho dog trainer, I couldn't put up with her emotional abuse. I have no goals anymore, and I feel like I'm just a drifting ship on the sea of life with no direction at all. I feel bad for friends because they listen to me, and my mom's no help (just pray and ask that jazz.) My boyfriend is just as crazy as I am and our depression feeds off each other. I've cried myself to sleep every night this week. I'm so scared I'm going to lose everything I worked so hard for.
Sent from my SGH-T999 using Tapatalk
If you really need a job fast food restaurants and the like are always hiring. It's not the best prospect but a job's a job. It'll give you something to do. It'll give you money and it might even give you some comfort knowing that you're working. Believe me, I know this isn't the type of job a university student is looking forward to after graduating, but it'd just be temporarily. Most likely you'll find something better and won't even have to worry about it. You just graduated so give it some time and keep on job hunting. Something will come up.
-
I've been on an endless cycle of apathy, rock bottom depression, and anger (to the point I want to throw and break things.) I can't seem to find a job, even retail (though I just graduated university.) The only opportunity I have had was a psycho dog trainer, I couldn't put up with her emotional abuse. I have no goals anymore, and I feel like I'm just a drifting ship on the sea of life with no direction at all. I feel bad for friends because they listen to me, and my mom's no help (just pray and ask that jazz.) My boyfriend is just as crazy as I am and our depression feeds off each other. I've cried myself to sleep every night this week. I'm so scared I'm going to lose everything I worked so hard for.
Sent from my SGH-T999 using Tapatalk
I think what I can at least add is that having a hard time even finding retail jobs is the norm nowadays. So it's NOTHING to do with you or your bf.
You're not at all alone on this. -
I can't go to any doctor because I can't afford it. I have no insurance. I am going to a temp agency on Monday. Makes me really nervous. I've had bad experiences in the past, and the idea of first days over and over again makes me feel sick. I'm desperate though. Probably going to put all my model horses up for sale to make my bills this month. Feeling angry at the moment.
Sent from my GT-N8013 using Tapatalk
-
I live in California so I got CAInsured (Obamacare's California branch), and that allows me to get insurance even without income, which in turn allows me to get medical and psychiatric help. However, I also do not take medication for depression, because meds only help to alleviate depression symptoms until "clinical depression" becomes "dysthymia" aka "pervasive depressive disorder". At that point, it's better to focus on cognitive therapy with a therapist.
It'll sound counter-intuitive, but try to see your friends in person as often as possible when you're depressed. It feels completely different to be around people than through text or even video-chat. Voice your feelings with close friends and join them in group activities. Let them drag you through their schemes. It's a lot better than holing yourself in place and experience a bombardment of anxiety and hopelessness. Don't worry if you upset them, it's a lot better to make your friends upset at you than to shut yourself up and neglect them.
Edit: I'm currently experimenting with white noise in treatment for distracting thoughts. So far, it doesn't work completely, but it doesn't cause me to waste as much time when doing work.
-
Yeah I'm in Texas, and our governor rejected the Medicaid expansion. I made a whole $2600 last year, and I was still ineligible for any assistance. If I moved back to Oklahoma I could have free healthcare (I'm native American) but I'm not sure I can handle my family's religious expectations. I'll get through this, it just gets so frustrating. Hopefully things will work out with the temp agency.
Sent from my SGH-T999 using Tapatalk
-
It'll sound counter-intuitive, but try to see your friends in person as often as possible when you're depressed. It feels completely different to be around people than through text or even video-chat. Voice your feelings with close friends and join them in group activities. Let them drag you through their schemes. It's a lot better than holing yourself in place and experience a bombardment of anxiety and hopelessness. Don't worry if you upset them, it's a lot better to make your friends upset at you than to shut yourself up and neglect them.
Frankly, and this is from experience, not everyone has that luxury of friends. At least not ones you can interact with in the physical realm.
-
I've been on an endless cycle of apathy, rock bottom depression, and anger (to the point I want to throw and break things.) I can't seem to find a job, even retail (though I just graduated university.) The only opportunity I have had was a psycho dog trainer, I couldn't put up with her emotional abuse. I have no goals anymore, and I feel like I'm just a drifting ship on the sea of life with no direction at all. I feel bad for friends because they listen to me, and my mom's no help (just pray and ask that jazz.) My boyfriend is just as crazy as I am and our depression feeds off each other. I've cried myself to sleep every night this week. I'm so scared I'm going to lose everything I worked so hard for.
First, don't feel bad about talking to your friends. I know you have a ton of people who sincerely care and worry about you (like Lisa) and want only the best for you, so I don't think you have to worry about throwing the stress of your burdens out there. There will always be asshats who will leave you because they don't want to hear about anyone's but their own problems, and I know there are at least a handful of people who would not do that to you, ever.
If you ever find a good job opportunity in Dallas you should totally come back up here. Me, Neko, and everyone else will totally not leave you alone ;) I definitely agree with the sentiment that getting out with real people is always a huge help. We will have a lot of fun at A-Kon :)
Though I also second that online relationships have an extreme amount of value as well. Without many of the people I've met online, I would not be the person I am today.. and most likely I may not even still have been here.
Hey don't take this as a sign I'm back, sorry I'm really wishy-washy and noncommittal(?).
Anyway I'm on the verge of happy tears for what could be perceived as a mundane reason.
I was 1hr30m late to work. This is generally a big deal, and quite a big deal for me cuz I've never done this at this job (been late). Technically… I could have gone in only 30m late. The last hour was spent on me panicking in my car at work, staring at the fading sunset, physically constricted by the thoughts of the admonishment I'd get by going in. I couldn't move. It was like a boa constrictor was restraining me and sapping the life out of me. This job is like a second family to me, and I was devastated at the thought of losing it. I meditated a bit -- out of necessity, really (it's not like I meditate often) -- and after breathing in deeply and repeating several calm, reassuring sentences in my head, managed to go in. Expecting the worst, I'm greeted by a smiling manager who shakes my hand. He says he's just happy I came in. Another person tells me later that I'm really valuable, get things done, and that everybody there loves me and they don't want me to leave. Everyone just kind of laughed it off, even the super strict no nonsense manager. Expectations vs. reality. Life is the most unpredictable thing out there, forget fiction. I like working. It gives me a sense of belonging. I've had some problems with it on occasion, but I love life. I love the personalities I get to mesh with at work.
I know it might seem like I'm overreacting but I was late to dinner service at a restaurant, and that's considered damn bad, as you need every employee you can get during those hours, and even then you're gonna be blitzing.
I'm just so happy that they appreciate me so much, so often. Such a great place to work.
(I haven't checked my VMs or PMs, for the same boa constrictor reasons I mentioned earlier, but my laptop isn't working, so no skype. If anyone wants to contact me, try zstand92@yahoo.com)
Your boss and co-workers sound amazing. That is incredible. My boss and co-workers are nothing but shitbags to me when I'm late, the things they said to me about calling in because I was cleaning up my house after it flooded were terrible. I definitely will not feel bad when I finally find another job and leave, and I always feel bad about those things. I'm glad your experience with work is good, and your co-workers are so awesome.
For me though, it takes a lot of psyching up and relaxing in order to get myself to just get up and go to work. I'd rather die than go there. It's a very real struggle that people want to pretend doesn't exist or push under the rug, but that's how I've reacted to severe stress all of my life. It's been a very very very hard battle to just accept and go on with life in the face of a complete and total mental shutdown. No one is ever going to realize that and praise me for my ability to push a lot of it to the back of my mind now and keep going, so I can only control doing what I can to get away from people like this. This is why I hate retail. I hate being at the mercy of abusive people. I grew up with this shit, and I can no longer tolerate it. I want to beat the fuck out of people who take advantage of someone's weakness. It's absolutely disgusting and the lack of control is going to push me over the edge someday soon if I'm not careful.
-
so my grandfather died the other day.
FMA 03> FMA Brotherhood
-
It's been a very very very hard battle to just accept and go on with life in the face of a complete and total mental shutdown. No one is ever going to realize that and praise me for my ability to push a lot of it to the back of my mind now and keep going, so I can only control doing what I can to get away from people like this.
People realize it now but I don't know if praise is really what you need. Maybe more so acknowledgement for your endurance. Recognition that you have soldiered on but it seems like a heavy burden to carry, and it's weighing you down. If realization from others is what you need, if it can help any, then your strength mental/physical is recognized by me. Don't let that burden wear you down for much longer.
so my grandfather died the other day.
My sincerest condolences. I can only imagine what it's like to lose a grandparent but I know this must be a tough time for your family. My best wishes and I hope your family can recover from this loss in due time.
-
Frankly, and this is from experience, not everyone has that luxury of friends. At least not ones you can interact with in the physical realm.
That makes it really hard, because it's vital to enjoy your existence with other people. It took a while to find my friends. I have a tough time interacting with normal people. There's nothing I find interesting with them. And often times, people don't find me very interesting either (either that or they think I'm creepy). I think what eventually helped was my attempt to cheer myself up by cheering someone else up. Helping the elderly and the impoverished, despite not getting anything back, and not expecting anything back, gave some meaning to life. Hearing those "thank you" and "bless you" gave me some happiness and self worth.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
so my grandfather died the other day.
My grandparents are all dead.
What helps me go through grief is remembering and reliving all the memorable experiences with them, whether good, bad, awkward, or awesome. And remember, they still exist in our hearts.
-
I'm increasingly losing respect for my dad. He's been being very rude and insensitive towards my sisters and I, saying such horrible things about my older sister particularly. It's too much, we're his daughters for crying out loud! He was trying to pick a fight with my younger sister a little over half an hour ago, getting all up in her face. For once, I really tried to stand up to him, and was real calm about it and telling him "that's enough, now stop it"; he responds with, "get your head out of my ass, Epoida*", and continued on. I've already lost respect for my mother and the things she has done, so now who will I look up to? Not like my dad listened anyway, but at least he acted more responsible.
*He actually used my real first name, of course.
-
so now who will I look up to?
No one. If I may suggest.
At any rate, I myself look up to no one.It's in human nature to long to revere. To have someone to look up to gives us a sense of ground, a sense of direction, a standard, especially when we are not used to standing on our own two feet. So when an object of reverence loses its status as an object of reverence, we immediately want to find a substitute. Parental figures are often the earliest authority figures, that many still can't grow out of. This kind of attitude has several problems.
Firstly, it hinders independent thinking. This is rather obvious. Looking up too much to a person make us lose our ability to judge for ourselves. There is fine line between reasonable respect and idolatry, and we have to do some tight rope walking here.
Secondly, it prevents us from seeing a person as they really are. We easily project onto the person qualities that they don't have, qualities that we aspire to be. We are bound to be frustrated, sooner or later, when we find out more about the person. When this happen, we can lose our sense of balance, if it depends too much on this object of reverence.
The first step of the solution is, of course, to develop a strong independent thinking. A sign of maturity is when you no longer look for an anchor outside of yourself. Then after that, or in the process of doing so, you can start reasoning with your dad and reconciling with him, while preparing for the possibility that you have to maintain a definite distance from him.
Just my two cents. Hope things go well for you. Love ~
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
p/s: Family conflicts are almost always painful, and we should try our best to fix the crack, but there is only so much we can do, and the outcomes are not always most pleasant. Standing up to your dad is the right decision, and you may have to continue to do so in the future. But it's important also to try to understand him more, to find out what his problems are and see if they can, to some extent, be fixed in a joint effort, if some sense of responsibility and family love can be restored in him. In some case you have to take the initiative in reconciling with a soft approach. Allow him some chance to atone himself, if you will, while also preparing for the worst case scenario.
I'd like to help you more but my knowledge of the situation is limited. Hopefully I'm not sticking my nose in unnecessarily.
-
Brilliant advice! As a matter of fact, looks like you just abolished religion while you were at it! Good news, guys! No need to revere a "god!" It's so simple – just become strong independent thinkers who are so confident in themselves that they don't need to look for guidance or advice anywhere! It's super easy and totally not arrogant! Pat on the back, problem solved!
-
just become strong independent thinkers who are so confident in themselves that they don't need to look for guidance or advice anywhere! It's super easy and totally not arrogant! Pat on the back, problem solved!
Well, that's not really what I suggest though.
As human beings it's obvious that each of us will have our limitation, so advice and guidance are sometimes needed. However, it's important that we develop the ability to assess/evaluate/scrutinize those advice and guidance in a critical manner, instead of following them blindly. That's part of standing on our own two feet.I also said that there is a fine line between reasonable respect and idolatry, and we have to do some tight rope walking. It's not easy, of course.
I don't know why you tend to interpret my post in the most negative way possible. :P Sarcasm is uncalled for.
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
Looking for an anchor and looking for advice are two different things, needless to say.
-
Shipmate? You're The sea right? You were my first friend in AP so i really value but i read your posts and the see the face in your avatar and…well, it just makes me want to punch your face. Sorry, had to say it.
Uh, it's the confession thread so i can safely say that right? Or will my post get erased? :(
Working thru some stuff. Dunno how long i will be here.
Glad you're back ((now bring back the pomeranian!))
. 
 
