Confession Session II

[Noqanky]

@Captain:

I said loved ones, not blood parents. Another thing, how can hate perpetuate through death ? This is just sad.Edit: I know that every family is different from each other, just change the name "father" or "parent" for any other word that represents your unconditional love. But yeah, maybe I am just weak when it comes to this subject.

You said loves ones in response to him explaining how he felt no obligation to love his father. Just because you don't explicitely say something doesn't mean you're not saying it.

Also, you're assuming hate. Understanding that a person was a negative presence doesn't necessarily involve hating them.

It's understandable it's a sensitive subject to you, but it helps not to project your feelings towards family and parents to individuals who have had completely different experiences. Best we can do in those instances is try to understand the experiences of others, not pity them.

[C_uggs]

Yes, I said loved ones thinking about parents because they are the "way to go" when I think about unconditional love, but in that sentence "loved ones" can mean a plethora of things. Is just like when you say "cat" and I think about a white cat, you can think about a black cat instead, but in the end, it is still a cat.

Negativity presence associated with a person can exist beyond death itself ? Sure, I can respect people that thinks like that, I don't agree with this ideology, but hey, no problem.

Again, I am projecting what I think is the standard for this situation, if I hurt people by saying my reality..Well, what can I do besides respecting them ? I am not trying to implement my standard as the right thing to feel, I am just saying what I think.

[Femme]

This post is deleted!

[Carmilla]

It's considered basically a sin to say/think something bad about a deceased person over here. So it'd weird me out a bit maybe, but I'd never blame someone for that, and in many situations it's even completely acceptable for me.And hell no way I'd think someone should love their parents unconditionally.

However, not seeing and staying away from someone just because of personal views is just as acceptable. There's no necessarily wrong or right in this case. Even lack of understanding is not. I think it's better to stay away from a person whose values make you feel deeply negative emotions, rather than be close with them and accidentally express all those negative emotions. Whether you have a ground or not to feel that way, in the first place.

[C_uggs]

I believe in redemption and forgiveness after death, but I understand this possibility and respect (as a human being) by not discriminating them by their ideology. I may not agree and feel uncomfortable with it, but I can still respect.

[Hiroy]

Guess I had some things on my mind. Maybe a retrospective. Last year seems like one huge blur for me, since it was one of the years where I somehow got healthcare and taking advantage of that, I considered going into therapy after this breaking point(not going into detail) where I felt like I really needed some help.

It was a really shitty time for me. The worst part of this all was when a small group of what I considered were my closest friends decided to actively ignore me for a long period of time. It got the the point where I eventually talked to the therapist about it and eventually decide to cut them off from my life. I still talk to them every once in a while, but as acquaintances without the emotional attachment or obligation to actually care about stuff going on in their own personal lives. It felt unfortunate at first(maybe a little passive aggressive considering that I'm comfortable with ignoring them whenever personal matters come up in a conversation), but I'm feeling like a much better person thanks to this decision. Why invest into myself into people won't do the same for me?

This year, unfortunately my income does not qualify me for another few months of therapy sessions.. But I feel like I don't need it anymore? I'm not only more mentally stable, I've also learned to be more assertive of feelings that I would have rather kept to myself due to being shy or deeply afraid. The latter is a completely different subject on its own, and I really don't want to make this a long superpost.. But to sum it up. I guess I've always felt like others would call me out for being myself, when these same people would do shitty things or just ARE shitty people. This made me go through alot of self reflection trying to figure out if there was a right or correct way to act, and in the end… I realised there wasn't much of a point of trying to mold myself into an image that's appropriate for shitty people. Especially when I have friends (and a wonderful gf) that would not want me to change. However, I still get worried about being called out for the dumbest/simplest little thing at times. It isn't always bad since I'm better at arguing or reasoning with people that might misinterpret me. But it's a problem whenever I'm introduced to a new setting or a crowd of people that I never met, especially when I desperately want to speak up. I guess being comfortable with possible rejection is the next big thing I have to work on.

Anyway. I wanted to put some of my thoughts on this board somewhere. Just felt obligated to since it's been a while.

[Femme]

That was a therapeutic read. I feel like I'm going through or have been through many of those things, and it's so nice to see that you've taken leaps forward from those challenges. I think if I ever had medical coverage in future I'd look into therapy too, it seems like such a positive experience from what I hear from most people that I wouldn't mind trying it to sort out some of my own challenges as well.

Hope more good things come your way soon, Hiroy!

[Nolus]

I broke up with my boyfriend and I feel like a miserable pile of puddle. Why does it hurt so much? Am I bad person?

At least my little cat is here and trying to comfort me with purring.

Why is it so hard?

[NER]

I'm the worst (or one of the worst?) type of people. I know nothing of satisfaction. I am greedy and lusty and I throw everything I have to chance everything that I don't.

I loved my girlfriend before she was mine and that love decreased till I'm feeling like a stone inside right now. Nothing is what I feel.

Tomorrow I'm gonna meet her WHICH IS REALLY DIFFICULT in Saudi and I am supposed to be joyful and happy (she is) but I want to cry for making her love me when I'm like this and barely feeling anything right now about her.

[Noqanky]

@Nolus:

I broke up with my boyfriend and I feel like a miserable pile of puddle. Why does it hurt so much? Am I bad person?

At least my little cat is here and trying to comfort me with purring.

Why is it so hard?

Shit that sucks to hear. Feel free to talk about it or vent about it as much as you need to, it's very easy to get super silent and lonely after losing someone so close, so I hope at the very least you don't feel like you're completely alone. Lots of people around who will listen and care.

[Nolus]

@Noqanky:

Shit that sucks to hear. Feel free to talk about it or vent about it as much as you need to, it's very easy to get super silent and lonely after losing someone so close, so I hope at the very least you don't feel like you're completely alone. Lots of people around who will listen and care.

Thank you for the kind words. Luckily (or maybe that's not the best word here) I've been feeling off and alone lately even when he was around, so it wasn't such a big hit as one would expect. Still, I'm grateful for my little furry companion who keeps me smiling with her antics. Helps me not suffocate in my own thoughts.

As a side note, I'm not completely devastated. Which is nice and somewhat of a surprise, though I've been acting rather self-confident lately. Can I be proud of myself? I'm not sure.

[Outerspec]

@NER:

I'm the worst (or one of the worst?) type of people. I know nothing of satisfaction. I am greedy and lusty and I throw everything I have to chance everything that I don't.

I loved my girlfriend before she was mine and that love decreased till I'm feeling like a stone inside right now. Nothing is what I feel.

Tomorrow I'm gonna meet her WHICH IS REALLY DIFFICULT in Saudi and I am supposed to be joyful and happy (she is) but I want to cry for making her love me when I'm like this and barely feeling anything right now about her.

When you can you need to have an honest conversation with her about how you feel. You never know what you might uncover, for better or worse, but first you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. Give it some time. If there are personal problems you need to deal with in order to have a healthy relationship then it might not be best to drag another person around while you try to figure it out unless she decides to stick by you. But that's her decision.

One reason you might be feeling so bad is because you're in a relationship with which you know someone is going to get hurt and of course you don't want that. But that's just a guess from what I read. I hope you get it figured out.

@Nolus:

Thank you for the kind words. Luckily (or maybe that's not the best word here) I've been feeling off and alone lately even when he was around, so it wasn't such a big hit as one would expect. Still, I'm grateful for my little furry companion who keeps me smiling with her antics. Helps me not suffocate in my own thoughts.

As a side note, I'm not completely devastated. Which is nice and somewhat of a surprise, though I've been acting rather self-confident lately. Can I be proud of myself? I'm not sure.

This is great news. Not the breakup of course, that's personal, but I'm glad you're taking things so well. There might be ups and downs coming but stay strong and confident because you are.

[NER]

@Outerspec:

When you can you need to have an honest conversation with her about how you feel. You never know what you might uncover, for better or worse, but first you need to have an honest conversation with yourself. Give it some time. If there are personal problems you need to deal with in order to have a healthy relationship then it might not be best to drag another person around while you try to figure it out unless she decides to stick by you. But that's her decision.

One reason you might be feeling so bad is because you're in a relationship with which you know someone is going to get hurt and of course you don't want that. But that's just a guess from what I read. I hope you get it figured out.

The problem is that I'm a child at heart still. I am never satisfied with anything. Once I acquired something, no matter how long I've longed for It, I'll get bored and want to find the next interesting thing.
Everything is interesting to me as far as it's out my reach. I need to get myself fixed. I can't keep hurting people who's only wish is to cherish me forever.

[Outerspec]

@NER:

The problem is that I'm a child at heart still. I am never satisfied with anything. Once I acquired something, no matter how long I've longed for It, I'll get bored and want to find the next interesting thing.
Everything is interesting to me as far as it's out my reach. I need to get myself fixed. I can't keep hurting people who's only wish is to cherish me forever.

You can recognize your problems without being told and know you have to fix them. That takes a certain level of maturity. I really think you need to have a conversation with your girlfriend since this is an issue that affects her too. Again, if this issue is preventing you from having a healthy relationship then you need to try to figure out what the problem is before getting into another one or approach the relationship honestly and let them know about it.

Also, not wanting to keep hurting people is the opposite of selfish so give yourself some credit. That's hope that you can do better.

[Louis-1988]

@NER:

I'm the worst (or one of the worst?) type of people. I know nothing of satisfaction. I am greedy and lusty and I throw everything I have to chance everything that I don't.

I loved my girlfriend before she was mine and that love decreased till I'm feeling like a stone inside right now. Nothing is what I feel.

Tomorrow I'm gonna meet her WHICH IS REALLY DIFFICULT in Saudi and I am supposed to be joyful and happy (she is) but I want to cry for making her love me when I'm like this and barely feeling anything right now about her.

@NER:

The problem is that I'm a child at heart still. I am never satisfied with anything. Once I acquired something, no matter how long I've longed for It, I'll get bored and want to find the next interesting thing.
Everything is interesting to me as far as it's out my reach. I need to get myself fixed. I can't keep hurting people who's only wish is to cherish me forever.

You're 20, dude. This is all very normal for people your age. Chances are you'll go through this a few times before you're finally mature enough to actually know what you want and settle down. Don't beat yourself up, you're not a bad person.

[Carmilla]

@Louis-1988:

You're 20, dude. This is all very normal for people your age. Chances are you'll go through this a few times before you're finally mature enough to actually know what you want and settle down. Don't beat yourself up, you're not a bad person.

No. NO. It is not normal for 20 year olds. Common maybe, normal and okay? No.
Not knowing what you want yes, okay. In most cases at least. But wanting something and then losing interest the moment you acquire it is an issue and it gets in the way of his life. Age related or not, it needs improvements. Especially when it applies to relationships and people and ends up hurting them.
Yes we are less mature at 20, etc. etc. We can't be 100% sure in what we want, we need to wait and see, yes, yes I know all that. But we don't go changing our mind every second, you know?
It is true that NER is not a bad person. We all have issues and we all hurt people to an extent because of them. Having issues doesn't make anyone a bad person. But being a good person doesn't make them flawless either~

@NER:

The problem is that I'm a child at heart still. I am never satisfied with anything. Once I acquired something, no matter how long I've longed for It, I'll get bored and want to find the next interesting thing.
Everything is interesting to me as far as it's out my reach. I need to get myself fixed. I can't keep hurting people who's only wish is to cherish me forever.

NER. You need to tell her. Be honest and open. I, for example, always sense when something isn't right and it hurts me more than being told tougher stuff directly. Knowing what an issue is fair to both parties too.
Also, it's true, many many issues we have will take a lot to be improved. What matters right now is to acknowledge it and be on the path of improvement.

Also, maybe it'd help you to first figure out where that issue is coming from and what are its roots. And maybe try to take it slow before starting a relationship with someone next time, it will give you a better idea whether you want the person themselves or not. That and separating your longing for something unattainable and your actual feelings from each other.

–- Update From New Post Merge ---

@Nolus:

Thank you for the kind words. Luckily (or maybe that's not the best word here) I've been feeling off and alone lately even when he was around, so it wasn't such a big hit as one would expect. Still, I'm grateful for my little furry companion who keeps me smiling with her antics. Helps me not suffocate in my own thoughts.

As a side note, I'm not completely devastated. Which is nice and somewhat of a surprise, though I've been acting rather self-confident lately. Can I be proud of myself? I'm not sure.

Oh dear, breakups are always hard. You are not a bad person for ending something that wasn't working out, if that's what you were referring to and if you were the one who ended it.
And don't lose your self-confidence in the events and thoughts that might be yet to come. Don't force yourself to move on either. Take your time, it's okay to be sad, worried, etc. Don't shut out your feelings. Maybe write down or something why your break up was necessary and the things that this break up makes better for your life. Issues you had, etc. In case positive memories overwhelm the sad ones and make you question your decision.
Stay strong!

Furry friends are the best :3 seeing my friend's dog was enough to make me feel super positive once~

[Monkey King]

@NER:

The problem is that I'm a child at heart still. I am never satisfied with anything. Once I acquired something, no matter how long I've longed for It, I'll get bored and want to find the next interesting thing.
Everything is interesting to me as far as it's out my reach. I need to get myself fixed. I can't keep hurting people who's only wish is to cherish me forever.

This is a bad tendency to have, but its basically humanly impossible that the only desires and needs you have come down to just that bad tendency.

If you want to make a relationship stick around stronger in your life, you need to go deeper than the fickle feelings that keep leaving you like this.
There has to be deeper things in your life that you need fulfillment on.

For example.

-The surface fickle thing perhaps is a crazy infatuation style desire to be with X person.
-But there's no way you don't have that deeper human need for steady companionship.

The challenge is looking past the first one and at the second one. No one in history has built long term relationships on the first one.

[Nolus]

I was about to play with my friends and while the game was loading I went out to get something. The loading finished, and my friends started calling out to me using my nickname I invented for myself (it's like Nolus, but different). We mostly do this for fun since we know the person in question doesn't hear us most likely and we just go "Hey, where are you, the game's started!".
I arrived and they for some reason began using my real name even going as far as giving me stupid nicknames based off of it.

And this upset me. Greatly. I hate my real name. It reminds me that I'm not what I want to be. I'm a girl still and I can barely go by sometimes with having that name at university and at work. And now my friends did this. I know they were just joking, but it still hurt. Even if I asked them to see me as a guy, it still happens that one of them addresses me as gal or something like that.
Maybe I'll never succeed in being a true man. Maybe they are right who say people like me should just accept it, that I will stay like this forever no matter what I do and the world will keep having me as a woman.

This kills me inside.

I should be happy. I've got a great job, my family life is on track, I have a wonderful little companion by my side and yet.

I'm crying.

[Noqanky]

@Nolus:

I was about to play with my friends and while the game was loading I went out to get something. The loading finished, and my friends started calling out to me using my nickname I invented for myself (it's like Nolus, but different). We mostly do this for fun since we know the person in question doesn't hear us most likely and we just go "Hey, where are you, the game's started!".
I arrived and they for some reason began using my real name even going as far as giving me stupid nicknames based off of it.

And this upset me. Greatly. I hate my real name. It reminds me that I'm not what I want to be. I'm a girl still and I can barely go by sometimes with having that name at university and at work. And now my friends did this. I know they were just joking, but it still hurt. Even if I asked them to see me as a guy, it still happens that one of them addresses me as gal or something like that.
Maybe I'll never succeed in being a true man. Maybe they are right who say people like me should just accept it, that I will stay like this forever no matter what I do and the world will keep having me as a woman.

This kills me inside.

I should be happy. I've got a great job, my family life is on track, I have a wonderful little companion by my side and yet.

I'm crying.

The tough thing you have to remember is that it's something that for the most part other people don't understand. To other people a name is just a name and it's not something they even have to think about. They probably didn't realize it would have this much of an effect. Just gotta tell them over and over to cut the crap 'cause it's not cool, and if they're friends they'll understand.

One of those things you have to remind people about constantly until they finally get it, but they do eventually and you'll have your name for the world to know you by. It sucks now, but it's just a question of patience unfortunately. Things do change, trust me.

[Nolus]

@Noqanky:

The tough thing you have to remember is that it's something that for the most part other people don't understand. To other people a name is just a name and it's not something they even have to think about. They probably didn't realize it would have this much of an effect. Just gotta tell them over and over to cut the crap 'cause it's not cool, and if they're friends they'll understand.

One of those things you have to remind people about constantly until they finally get it, but they do eventually and you'll have your name for the world to know you by. It sucks now, but it's just a question of patience unfortunately. Things do change, trust me.

It's hard. I'm constantly being discouraged by simple things, like looking at the mirror, being called "girl" by some of my friends (albeit not out of spite) and feeling they don't really understand that I just can't "accept" myself the way I am and make the most of it. I tried, I really did, I did everything I could, but it's not enough. While searching for a new job I've been preoccupied by a lot of things and these feelings had no place to surface onto, but now it's all coming back to suffocate me.
I do take my anti-depressant every day religiously, I even upped the amount (to 1,5) with the approval of my doctor, but I still feel nervous and down for most part of the day. Few things can alleviate this feeling. One is fortunately my cat, who doesn't even bother assigning any genders on me and that's surprisingly uplifting. She herself is kinda "void of a gender" if that makes sense. Sure I see she doesn't have balls and has to use female pronouns because English is just like that, but still. You get the idea.

But university and work is sometimes very tiring in a way that I constantly have to fight myself and my feelings. I don't want to break down on any of those places understandibly.

Once again I'm slowly inching towards either drinking every night to make falling asleep easier or self-harm and I don't want any of those.

[Angelos17]

@Nolus:

It's hard. I'm constantly being discouraged by simple things, like looking at the mirror, being called "girl" by some of my friends (albeit not out of spite) and feeling they don't really understand that I just can't "accept" myself the way I am and make the most of it. I tried, I really did, I did everything I could, but it's not enough. While searching for a new job I've been preoccupied by a lot of things and these feelings had no place to surface onto, but now it's all coming back to suffocate me.
I do take my anti-depressant every day religiously, I even upped the amount (to 1,5) with the approval of my doctor, but I still feel nervous and down for most part of the day. Few things can alleviate this feeling. One is fortunately my cat, who doesn't even bother assigning any genders on me and that's surprisingly uplifting. She herself is kinda "void of a gender" if that makes sense. Sure I see she doesn't have balls and has to use female pronouns because English is just like that, but still. You get the idea.

But university and work is sometimes very tiring in a way that I constantly have to fight myself and my feelings. I don't want to break down on any of those places understandibly.

Once again I'm slowly inching towards either drinking every night to make falling asleep easier or self-harm and I don't want any of those.

Just know some of us care about you.

[Nolus]

@Angelos17:

Just know some of us care about you.

I know and I'm doing my best to stay afloat.

[Noqanky]

It really sucks to say that dysphoria like that never really goes away, and it's just one of those bullshit things we have to deal with. But please be patient, because down the line you will eventually find a way to be yourself and have the world see you as such.

In the meantime it helps tremendously to find joy in the spaces where you can be you and use those as refuge. I remember what it was like having to go to work and outside as someone else, truly stiffling and frustrating, But what allowed me to keep pushing was having that time at home and online and in games where people just saw who I was.

[Nolus]

@Noqanky:

It really sucks to say that dysphoria like that never really goes away, and it's just one of those bullshit things we have to deal with. But please be patient, because down the line you will eventually find a way to be yourself and have the world see you as such.

In the meantime it helps tremendously to find joy in the spaces where you can be you and use those as refuge. I remember what it was like having to go to work and outside as someone else, truly stiffling and frustrating, But what allowed me to keep pushing was having that time at home and online and in games where people just saw who I was.

I just really wanna know if my feelings are valid. Some say I should accept myself as is, a girl. I tried over and over and I die a little every time I'm handled as a female, even when I say "No, I quite feel like a boy", but the say that I am a girl and that's that. I want to cry.

[Noqanky]

They're definitely valid. Again, it's just a feeling other people don't understand so it may not make sense to them.

[Nolus]

@Noqanky:

They're definitely valid. Again, it's just a feeling other people don't understand so it may not make sense to them.

That may be so. It's definitely an unusual feeling I guess.

Maybe with the coming of Autumn, my favourite season will help my mood. I got to wear clothes that hide me more and I always enjoy that. Today I looked at my reflection in the street and I look pretty guyish~ The jacket helps to hide my breasts and I took out my earrings (they were bothering me anyways and my kitten started to sometimes chew on them when I laid on the bed).

[Serra Britt]

@Nolus:

I just really wanna know if my feelings are valid. Some say I should accept myself as is, a girl. I tried over and over and I die a little every time I'm handled as a female, even when I say "No, I quite feel like a boy", but the say that I am a girl and that's that. I want to cry.

No one can say what's best for you except YOU. Like Noqanky says, many people don't understand the feeling at all. Some of them dismiss it as invalid. But you're the best jugde of who you are and you should only have to accept what's right for yourself, to make yourself happy.
@Nolus:

That may be so. It's definitely an unusual feeling I guess.

Maybe with the coming of Autumn, my favourite season will help my mood. I got to wear clothes that hide me more and I always enjoy that. Today I looked at my reflection in the street and I look pretty guyish~ The jacket helps to hide my breasts and I took out my earrings (they were bothering me anyways and my kitten started to sometimes chew on them when I laid on the bed).

If that's what makes you feel better, you should do it. I followed people's expectations too long. I could have seriously hurt myself by doing so. The only person you are guaranteed to face each day is yourself, and you should do your best to choose things to make yourself happy.

[C_uggs]

I have been calling the suicide prevention center of my country, they offer helpful tips and day-to-day activities, thanks to them, today I had the strength to take a bath and change my shirt.

In the future, they suggested I should go out more, the problem is that I feel more alone outside than inside of my house. I feel like I don't belong anywhere…

[Hanz]

this new job im having is really helping me get the hang of socializing with dudes my age. it's all about being witty, funny, and not act weird. if you act weird you're very likely to be made fun of in a subtle but patronizing way.
be also prepared to for funny comebacks for whatever joke is cracked either about you or anything, people seem to love that.

[Femme]

@Captain:

I have been calling the suicide prevention center of my country, they offer helpful tips and day-to-day activities, thanks to them, today I had the strength to take a bath and change my shirt.

In the future, they suggested I should go out more, the problem is that I feel more alone outside than inside of my house. I feel like I don't belong anywhere…

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time right now, Captain :( know that we care about you a lot over here and hope that you are safe and happy.

Is it possible to have a day out with a family member or friend soon? Go to the movies, an arcade, shopping, walk in the park, eat a ton of ice cream, anything? Do you have a pet? How about getting a puppy or a kitten to keep you company?

[Nolus]

@Captain:

I have been calling the suicide prevention center of my country, they offer helpful tips and day-to-day activities, thanks to them, today I had the strength to take a bath and change my shirt.

In the future, they suggested I should go out more, the problem is that I feel more alone outside than inside of my house. I feel like I don't belong anywhere…

I know that feeling.

Have you tried just going outside to a nice place, like a park, or forest, where you can just enjoy the scenery? Maybe fool around with sticks, pretending to be a knight or something. I know it sounds childish, but I found that retreating to a fantasy world sometimes really helped me keep on going. Of course it's best if no one's around, so you can be yourself and enjoy your imagination.

I know it's not the same as truly belonging to a group of people, but it can maybe help you getting there and keeping you moving.

At any rate, send a pm if you need to talk, I'd be happy to listen.

[Demon Rin]

Yesterday morning at 9:40am, I lost someone extremely near and dear to my heart.

When I was born, my mom was a single mother, so while she worked she enlisted the aid of one person to help.
My Grandma Freda.

I'm sure it's not shocking for a girl to say she loves her grandma, but we had a special bond. For the first few years of my life, Grandma raised me while mom worked. She was the kindest, sweetest person ever and a very big part of shaping me into the person I am today.

A few years back, I had to tell her some difficult things about me and my life, yet it didn't cause one iota of her love for me to wane. She began making a special note to end all of our conversations from that point on by saying:
"I just want to let you know I love you sweetie, and I always will."

It practically moved me to tears every time. Despite everything, she was still a shining light in my life.

Yesterday, that light faded from this world.

But now, it lives on in my heart, as well as the hearts and minds of everyone else who knew and loved her. We won't ever forget all of the pure unbridled love and happiness she brought into the world, and that will make her truly immortal.

Goodbye Grandma Freda. I just want to let you know I love you, and I always will.

!

[Nolus]

I've becoming more and more certain about my gender identity. Searching for a job really made me forget about it for a whole month, but September brought with itself the whole package, just in one big shot. It certainly didn't help that my period is on its way and since starting the contraceptives, I get two weeks of feeling shitty and easily irritated.

However, now here I am, sure that I am, in fact, male at heart and soul. This gives me some strength, knowing at least in which direction I can continue my journey.

As for hormones and surgeries, I will definitely postpone them till I'm residing here in Hungary. Everyone I know and have talked about this with says that Hungary sucks in this regard (and I can certainly see that) and I can maybe spare myself some paperwork with waiting university to be over.

I'm still having some feelings I'd want to clarify or at least hear others opinion on them, and not just transpeoples. I'll write them below and welcome anyone who wants to share their thoughts even in PM or over Skype or FB or wherever.

! Thing is, even if I feel like a man, I don't want to loose or suppress my qualities that could be regarded as female qualities: I still want to be able to cry for example.
Now I know that seeing those as women stuff is wrong and I'm all about people being able to do whatever they want regardless of gender, but I can't help but fall into the gender binary trap once in a while. Mainly due to trying to present myself as more male to the outside to show people who I truly am. I still want to represent the notion that gender is not black and white, and it's actually a good thing.
! The second is that, I'm aware of the limits of technology and surgery and I probably won't be able to transform fully into a man in body. I know I probably won't be able to have a penis no matter how badly I want one.
I'm a little bit afraid that because of this it'll be much harder for me to find a partner. I mean, in terms of my body, I'll be stuck between two sexes even after hormones and surgery, and I'm not sure how many people is willing to accept that.

[C_uggs]

Things
[hide]One day I went with my father to a grocery store, I couldn't stay inside the store for very long, I had to stay inside the car till he finished buying the ingredients for the dinner, later that day, I wanted to lay down on my bed, but he asked for help to prepare the food, I wanted to help, but I couldn't stay up I just wanted to lay down and sleep, he then started to get mad at me, saying he would die soon and then I would be alone and fucked, I responded that I knew that, that everytime I wake up in the morning, I think about this, that since the death of my mother that I am well aware of this consequence.

Today I tried to push myself out of my house, normally I stop at the first street corner and go back to my house, but today I tried to go even further, this was a mistake, I walked half the way and I wanted to lay down on the street and sleep in there. I pushed myself even more and in the end, I managed to finish the walk.

On my way home, I was hungry, so I decided to eat somewhere, I grabbed my plate, but then, I noticed I couldn't stay inside the restaurant for much longer, so I gave up and went to my house. Luckily me and my father started to get along this night

Today I didn't eat.[/hide]

[Hanz]

my brother's friend died in a car accident. he's very sad about him, and i don't know what should i say to him.

[Outerspec]

I'm sorry about your friend.

And if you met his friend at some point and he came across as a genuinely good person let your brother know that. He's your brother. I'm sure he'll know you're being sincere. That's what matters. You don't have to try to give a pep talk or anything. He's grieving and might need the space anyway but be available if he wants to come and talk or vent with someone, if you all have that kind of relationship. The best thing you can do there is just listen.

[C_uggs]

…I am sorry for my silence, I should have posted how I am, since what I last posted was (I think) worring.
[hide]With the ceremony of my mother coming, I had to join forces (both physical and mental) to make the trip. I stayed at my aunt's house, the same one that said that my mother had no value when the latter was still alive.

On the last day, I was talking about my sister who lives in Canada, my aunt said with a bitter tone that my father has only five years of life, that I have to do something about my life before he dies.

After a while, I called my father and I talked about what happened, he said it was a lie.[/hide]

Besides this, I am doing ok, I'm having the strength to walk and take baths, I am also going outside on the daily basis…But the constant fear of everything coming back with full force, this will always scares me.

[Femme]

@Captain:

…I am sorry for my silence, I should have posted how I am, since what I last posted was (I think) worring.
[hide]With the ceremony of my mother coming, I had to join forces (both physical and mental) to make this trip. I stayed at my aunt's house, the same one that said that my mother had no value when the latter was still alive.

On the last day, I was talking about my sister who lives in Canada, my aunt said with a bitter tone that my father has only five years of life, that I have to do something in my life before he dies.

After a while, I called my father and I talked about what happened, he said it was a lie.[/hide]

Besides this, I am doing ok, I'm having the strength to walk and take baths, I am also going outside on the daily basis…But the constant fear of everything coming back with full force, this will always scares me.

I wish you strength and happiness, Captain <3

[Nolus]

@Captain:

…I am sorry for my silence, I should have posted how I am, since what I last posted was (I think) worring.
[hide]With the ceremony of my mother coming, I had to join forces (both physical and mental) to make the trip. I stayed at my aunt's house, the same one that said that my mother had no value when the latter was still alive.

On the last day, I was talking about my sister who lives in Canada, my aunt said with a bitter tone that my father has only five years of life, that I have to do something about my life before he dies.

After a while, I called my father and I talked about what happened, he said it was a lie.[/hide]

Besides this, I am doing ok, I'm having the strength to walk and take baths, I am also going outside on the daily basis…But the constant fear of everything coming back with full force, this will always scares me.

We're here for you and rooting for you! Don't give up, keep taking walks and taking care of yourself. Even if it's 5 minutes of going outside, do it. Even if it's 5 steps, go for it.

[LightningAce]

A few days ago, there was a tragic accident which resulted in the death of a young girl just barely 20 Metres from my house.
it was horrible, it really got to me, still is after all these days. I've not been this affected by a death since my grandmother passed away few years ago. I didn't even know the people involved, but seeing what I did, its really etched in my mind.
She was so young :cwy: . If I'm this affected by it, trying to imagine what her mother who was there saw, makes the feeling all the worse.

Not really comparable to what others here confess about….just needed an outlet for my thoughts.

[SunnyBlue]

@LightningAce:

A few days ago, there was a tragic accident which resulted in the death of a young girl just barely 20 Metres from my house.
it was horrible, it really got to me, still is after all these days. I've not been this affected by a death since my grandmother passed away few years ago. I didn't even know the people involved, but seeing what I did, its really etched in my mind.
She was so young :cwy: . If I'm this affected by it, trying to imagine what her mother who was there saw, makes the feeling all the worse.

Not really comparable to what others here confess about….just needed an outlet for my thoughts.

Personally, I have a similar experience half a year ago.
I had a class on a Sunday morning. When I arrived and walked into the gate, there was police tape, police car and a cloth was placed on the ground…
At this point, it was obvious what happened. One of my seniors that have graduated and started working decided to jump off the building of the university.
It was surreal and just insane. He deliberately drove to the university with the intention of jumping off the building. He was probably younger or same age as me....
My car is literally parked around 10m from where he ended his life...
One of my lecturer had to identify him and unfortunately, it was one of his student whom he knew very well...:sad:
From what I heard, he was a bright student that was cheerful...

I guess reading about it and actually seeing it would have different impact. This incident did affected me

I also found out last week that one of my high school classmate passed away in a car accident...
Pretty crappy year for me...

[hosemisnuba]

I can't say I'm depressed, because currently, I'm mildly happy if anything, but I have a big problem: I can't bring myself to care about anything of worth. Yes, I have dreams, but I'm in no way motivated to realize them. When I was younger, I told myself I was going to be some big shot scientist or doctor or whatever: when I failed, I was filled seething rage. I wanted to get good grades, I wanted to have a good looking physique, and I wanted to be the best I could be, and when I experienced a setback, I threw temper tantrums, yes, but then I vowed to make myself better. This wasn't ideal, but at the very least, I legitimately cared about my future; at least I had a fire in my belly; at least I wanted to succeed. Now, I'm the exact opposite. I'm an apathetic abomination: I can't bring myself to care about anything but my hobbies.

Recently, I've been struggling heavy with college as a whole. I'm failing a few of my classes, and the grades in the other ones are not ideal to say the least. The worst part is, I have no legitimate desire to change things. I spend 7 hours at most a week studying for my 15 credit hour course load, and even worse: I skip class, while I'm at school, to partake in my frivolous obsessions. I skipped 2 Organic Chemistry Labs, showed up to OChem class for the first time in more than a week, haven't gone to Anatomy Physiology since 3 Thursdays ago, haven't partaken in English class since 2 Fridays ago, and I skipped every history class this week. Rather than try to make things better, I actively choose to avoid my problems.

I suppose I figure if I don't try, I won't have to experience the pain of failing when I gave it my best. The worst thing is, at this point, if I try to make things better, I will probably fail and further reinforce the deleterious notion in my mind that I can't overcome my own inadequacies : I've dug such a big hole, and the only way I can unearth myself from it is having a paradigm shift. If you've lived life (which I assume you have ), you'd know that changing your character in a matter of month is impossible. That said, at the heart of all of this, the only way I can keep myself from failing is by having a change in heart. I have to go from someone who hides from his problems and engages in trivial pleasures to mask his pain to someone willing to fight the world head on and take both failure and success as matters of life.

In writing this, I've had a change of perspective, as you may have been able to see. I guess I now realize that my 'apathy' is simply a box which I hide under to avoid the pain of failure digging me further into a depressive state. I don't know what else to say. I've asked others for help, but not the internet. Maybe the internet can help me.

[Carmilla]

@hosemisnuba:

I can't say I'm depressed, because currently, I'm mildly happy if anything, but I have a big problem: I can't bring myself to care about anything of worth. Yes, I have dreams, but I'm in no way motivated to realize them. When I was younger, I told myself I was going to be some big shot scientist or doctor or whatever: when I failed, I was filled seething rage. I wanted to get good grades, I wanted to have a good looking physique, and I wanted to be the best I could be, and when I experienced a setback, I threw temper tantrums, yes, but then I vowed to make myself better. This wasn't ideal, but at the very least, I legitimately cared about my future; at least I had a fire in my belly; at least I wanted to succeed. Now, I'm the exact opposite. I'm an apathetic abomination: I can't bring myself to care about anything but my hobbies.

Recently, I've been struggling heavy with college as a whole. I'm failing a few of my classes, and the grades in the other ones are not ideal to say the least. The worst part is, I have no legitimate desire to change things. I spend 7 hours at most a week studying for my 15 credit hour course load, and even worse: I skip class, while I'm at school, to partake in my frivolous obsessions. I skipped 2 Organic Chemistry Labs, showed up to OChem class for the first time in more than a week, haven't gone to Anatomy Physiology since 3 Thursdays ago, haven't partaken in English class since 2 Fridays ago, and I skipped every history class this week. Rather than try to make things better, I actively choose to avoid my problems.

I suppose I figure if I don't try, I won't have to experience the pain of failing when I gave it my best. The worst thing is, at this point, if I try to make things better, I will probably fail and further reinforce the deleterious notion in my mind that I can't overcome my own inadequacies : I've dug such a big hole, and the only way I can unearth myself from it is having a paradigm shift. If you've lived life (which I assume you have ), you'd know that changing your character in a matter of month is impossible. That said, at the heart of all of this, the only way I can keep myself from failing is by having a change in heart. I have to go from someone who hides from his problems and engages in trivial pleasures to mask his pain to someone willing to fight the world head on and take both failure and success as matters of life.

In writing this, I've had a change of perspective, as you may have been able to see. I guess I now realize that my 'apathy' is simply a box which I hide under to avoid the pain of failure digging me further into a depressive state. I don't know what else to say. I've asked others for help, but not the internet. Maybe the internet can help me.

Today I was hanging out with friends from another course at my uni. They were talking about another of their coursemates. This is somewhat influenced by that talk:

There's a time when you need to realise that it's not about being #1 or the best or some big shot, but it's about working hard. That despite failures and set-backs, the ones who push through the end succeed.
You need to reveal the best of your existent abilities, rather than have some far fetched (often unrealistic) dreams set. Being the best means the former, not the later.

Do some soul research too, whether what you are doing is really what you want (your field) and that sort of stuff.

Also, from my current experience, be 100% sure when you are excluding depression, that and emotional stress generally can affect A LOT in terms of one's productivity.

[hosemisnuba]

@Carmilla:

Today I was hanging out with friends from another course at my uni. They were talking about another of their coursemates. This is somewhat influenced by that talk:

There's a time when you need to realise that it's not about being #1 or the best or some big shot, but it's about working hard. That despite failures and set-backs, the ones who push through the end succeed.
You need to reveal the best of your existent abilities, rather than have some far fetched (often unrealistic) dreams set. Being the best means the former, not the later.

Do some soul research too, whether what you are doing is really what you want (your field) and that sort of stuff.

Also, from my current experience, be 100% sure when you are excluding depression, that and emotional stress generally can affect A LOT in terms of one's productivity.

I don't think wanting to be the best is my actual problem. I realized I couldn't be that a while back (when I threw temper tantrums, that is). Its more so that I lack any motivation. I just find it hard to care about my future, and I'm always working against myself. The reason I excluding depression is because I've gone through that and I know how it feels: I had to go to an outpatient facility and I was plagued with 3 hours long panic attacks multiple times. What I'm feeling currently is not that feeling. I guess you could say I'm happy, in a way, yet horribly dissatisfied with my current attitude and apathy. Let me put it this way: my rational self is telling me to actually care and my emotional self is saying 'fuck it. you should have fun'. That's why I'm bringing this up here. The problem I face is that logically, I want to try and better myself, but emotionally, I could care less. And like most humans, my emotions are doing the acting. Do you see what I'm saying?

[Femme]

@hosemisnuba:

I don't think wanting to be the best is my actual problem. I realized I couldn't be that a while back (when I threw temper tantrums, that is). Its more so that I lack any motivation. I just find it hard to care about my future, and I'm always working against myself. The reason I excluding depression is because I've gone through that and I know how it feels: I had to go to an outpatient facility and I was plagued with 3 hours long panic attacks multiple times. What I'm feeling currently is not that feeling. I guess you could say I'm happy, in a way, yet horribly dissatisfied with my current attitude and apathy. Let me put it this way: my rational self is telling me to actually care and my emotional self is saying 'fuck it. you should have fun'. That's why I'm bringing this up here. The problem I face is that logically, I want to try and better myself, but emotionally, I could care less. And like most humans, my emotions are doing the acting. Do you see what I'm saying?

How about hanging out with people who often have study groups and such? In my first/second year of college I hung out with a group of people who were focused on just barely scraping by in classes, and when one person did poorly on a test or something they didn't make any fuss about it. My grades were pretty bad. Then in 3rd/4th year I started hanging out with a different group, who were achievers and their habits definitely rubbed off on me, I was more focused and competitive to keep up with or surpass them.

Would that help? Surrounding yourself with an environment of academic-focused people?

Also I'd just honestly be really concerned about the money being wasted if I skipped classes a lot and ended up failing. Either that or creating such a huge debt for myself that'll affect me for a very long time after college for absolutely no reason. I have friends who have just had kids who still have debt to pay off from school and it's such a heavy burden to bear.

[SunnyBlue]

@hosemisnuba- Personally, I think you should consider taking a break from your course for a short period of time. Trying to force yourself to study and pass the exam might not be good for your overall mental health.

You can use the downtime to think about what do you want to do. Maybe you can do some volunteering work or get a part time work or try mediation in that time. Just don't think about your study in that time.

I'm also going through a similar problem with my study right now. I'm burnout & just don't have any motivation to study neither do I care about my passing my exam. I'm feeling crap most of the time & feel cynical about my own future. I showed up to classes but I don't really listen. I tried to force myself to continue on & it's just making it worse. Eventually, i decided to take a break because I feel I'm going nowwhere & nothing make sense. I only have 3 papers left. I will do it eventually but right now I'm too mentally exhausted. Currently, I'm seeing a therapist that is helping me to reduce my anxiety and improve my mental health so i can cope better in the future.

Sometime, you just need to listen what your body is telling you. Skipping classes won't solve the problem. It will just put you under more stress. It's OKAY to take a break if you really don't want to do it or are unable to.

[Serra Britt]

I want to start a big project and I'm wondering if I'm far too afraid of doing it than is absolutely necessary. Doing something new and different, of course some fear is normal. But if I consider more than a month or so out I sometimes just feel overwhelming dread. It almost makes me not want to start the project at all, because it will definitely take far more than a month. And I do need to consider some aspects of it that will be more than a month out.

I know that some of the fear is because I often procrastinate and I will have to curb that. Also that I've been trying to overcome a feeling of worthlessness, that is inhibiting my drive. This project will actually help me overcome both of these, so I wonder if I'm just afraid of change?

[Carmilla]

This post is deleted!

[Chrissie]

I used to want a lot of kids. Four the least. But the number has been steadily dropping while working with children… Currently it tentatively sits at two (one of each lol) or straight up "calling it a day" at the first one depending on the pain level! I have to admit, I just love living my life with my hubby with no baby worries... Alas my mother and my in-laws have been getting jittery about it They are more than ready to spoil a little bra- I mean a sweet grandchild (well my mom has three and going on four now since my older brothers (will) have two each, but she thinks a grandkid from her first daughter will be different somehow-don't ask me how, I have no clue xD). Anyways! :U We are thinking waiting a couple more years, especially considering the uncertain times waiting right ahead, is the wisest course of action. Hopefully we will manage to squeeze a Disneyworld trip somewhere in those years before we pop the first baby out! :P

[Cutty Fram]

I also used to dislike and completely dismiss the idea of having own kids when I worked with them.

But now I have 4 and I wouldn't want to miss one.