Awww congrats on your kids man! :) I come from a family of four (two bros and me and my sis) so that's why that was my minimum. I love having three siblings and I wanted my future kids to have that too. If I change professions like I am planning to, maybe I'll end up wanting lots of kids again, who knows! Can't see it happening while I am a teacher tho! :(
Confession Session II
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Yeah, working with kids really puts a damper on wanting some for yourself.
And then on some days you see a parent interacting with their child and you're like, 'Awww, I want that!'
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Or the little rascals say something like "I love you to the moon!" and you just melt xD
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Hahah, awwww, that'd do it.
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[hide]My father insists that I go out with him and his friends so I can socialise with others, I "usually" can gather enough strength to go out and hide my true emotions and suffering, but today, after 7 months after the death of my mother, I couldn't hold any longer the fact that my mother is gone forever and I cried in the restaurant, it was sudden and the people were worried about me. In the moment I felt like I was a burden to them, that one that spoils their happiness and good times with my grief.
I know that grief is a long process, but I don't know if I can take it anymore, sometimes I just want to give up… I know that no one will miss me if I am gone.[/hide]
When AP used to be good:
NEVER FORGET !!
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[hide]My father insists that I go out with him and his friends so I can socialise with others, I "usually" can gather enough strength to go out and hide my true emotions and suffering, but today, after 7 months after the death of my mother, I couldn't hold any longer the fact that my mother is gone forever and I cried in the restaurant, it was sudden and the people were worried about me. In the moment I felt like I was a burden to them, that one that spoils their happiness and good times with my grief.
I know that grief is a long process, but I don't know if I can take it anymore, sometimes I just want to give up… I know that no one will miss me if I am gone.[/hide]
You're not a burden. It is in no way your fault for going through some very hard times, then having to bottle all that up. The fact that the people were worried about you is a good thing, that there is proof that people care about you and they'll miss you. If people have problem with someone grieving, then the problem is with them, not you. And on the off-chance someone were annoyed that you were grieving… what's the worst that can happen? They go home and life continues on.
Don't be too hard on yourself. There's nothing wrong in sometimes being "selfish" (I wish there was a better word) and putting your well being before the feelings of others. So for a moment don't be worried about what others think, focus on yourself and let your feelings out.
Do you have anyone to talk to? Or are there places you can call or psychologist to seek out? It sounds like you could really need to talk with someone.
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Most times i wish i die sooner than every other person in my family i really dont desire long life longer i live more painful my life will be
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[hide]My father insists that I go out with him and his friends so I can socialise with others, I "usually" can gather enough strength to go out and hide my true emotions and suffering, but today, after 7 months after the death of my mother, I couldn't hold any longer the fact that my mother is gone forever and I cried in the restaurant, it was sudden and the people were worried about me. In the moment I felt like I was a burden to them, that one that spoils their happiness and good times with my grief.
I know that grief is a long process, but I don't know if I can take it anymore, sometimes I just want to give up… I know that no one will miss me if I am gone.[/hide]
You'd be surprised how many people would miss you. The grieving process is awful, and it definitely sounds like you need someone to talk to. Please don't give up.
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[hide]My father insists that I go out with him and his friends so I can socialise with others, I "usually" can gather enough strength to go out and hide my true emotions and suffering, but today, after 7 months after the death of my mother, I couldn't hold any longer the fact that my mother is gone forever and I cried in the restaurant, it was sudden and the people were worried about me. In the moment I felt like I was a burden to them, that one that spoils their happiness and good times with my grief.
I know that grief is a long process, but I don't know if I can take it anymore, sometimes I just want to give up… I know that no one will miss me if I am gone.[/hide]
I know that feeling. I have felt that way a lot of times, incredibly many times. I know how you feel. I know it's terrible and few things can make it better.
Stay strong. This feeling will go away and it can be endured.
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[hide]Even though I am still sad and with no motivation whatsoever, I am still able to find little things that gives me small glimpses of joy, maybe playing a game I like, maybe listening to a new song from a band I like, maybe spotting a double rainbow in the sky.
Maybe I have to live to see these things, even if they are rare or really small, they are not worthless and (I guess) neither is my life.[/hide]
When AP used to be good:
NEVER FORGET !!
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[hide]Even though I am still sad and with no motivation whatsoever, I am still able to find little things that gives me small glimpses of joy, maybe playing a game I like, maybe listening to a new song from a band I like, maybe spotting a double rainbowin the sky.
Maybe I have to live to see these things, even if they are rare or really small, they are not worthless and I guess, neither is my life.[/hide]
Your life is priceless, Captain! I'm happy to hear you're doing better :)
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I'm feeling jittery, and… unbalanced somehow. I've stopped taking the anti-depressants, because I've truly wanted that for a long time and I wouldn't wait any longer.
I just hope I'll be able to overcome this period. This is only temporary, right? I sure hope so. Whatever's the case, I'm having another appointment with my doctor next week and will talk to her about this.
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I'm feeling jittery, and… unbalanced somehow. I've stopped taking the anti-depressants, because I've truly wanted that for a long time and I wouldn't wait any longer.
I just hope I'll be able to overcome this period. This is only temporary, right? I sure hope so. Whatever's the case, I'm having another appointment with my doctor next week and will talk to her about this.
You're supposed to wean yourself off them, not quit cold turkey. You're going through withdrawal, and probably gonna settle back into your previous depression when you get used to that anxiety again.
Depression isn't like the flu. If you could just take some pills and then stop when the symptoms weren't there anymore, there wouldn't be any need to take them in the first place.
Ask your doctor about lowering your dosage when you see her. It's something you have to get used to bit by bit rather than all at once.
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i don't know if this is a confession,but i just need to rant.
i just lost my fricking phone and honestly it's just so infuriating.
after a ton of shit that has come my way all through the year,this happens.just when i was thinking 2016 is my worst year.
i don't even know how to feel anymore.some times i'm just engrossed in some insignificant thing or other,other i just feel like a headache and anger and pain in my mind.i know losing a phone shouldn't be that big of a deal,and actually it isn't.but it's just that i'm so tired of fate fucking me over and giving me a middle finger,that i just can't help it.the overall shit level has gone from bad to worse,with life seemingly wanting me to just suffer.
I always felt tired of life and mentally fucked up,but now i'm quite sure that i have depression,at least to some level.and my only response has been to focus on other stuff,but that isn't working out well,and lately i have problems even having normal desire and feelings for things
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You're supposed to wean yourself off them, not quit cold turkey. You're going through withdrawal, and probably gonna settle back into your previous depression when you get used to that anxiety again.
Depression isn't like the flu. If you could just take some pills and then stop when the symptoms weren't there anymore, there wouldn't be any need to take them in the first place.
Ask your doctor about lowering your dosage when you see her. It's something you have to get used to bit by bit rather than all at once.
My doctor has been suggesting for some time that I get off the medication considering how far I've come. And the lowering has been going on for some time as well.
I won't settle back into "that" depression that got me on the medication in the first place. My doctor wouldn't have suggested lowering the dose and forgoing the stuff if that was the case.
Jitteriness is still there, but I've got some solid advice, so there won't be any big problems. My body just need to adjust.
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My doctor has been suggesting for some time that I get off the medication considering how far I've come. And the lowering has been going on for some time as well.
I won't settle back into "that" depression that got me on the medication in the first place. My doctor wouldn't have suggested lowering the dose and forgoing the stuff if that was the case.
Jitteriness is still there, but I've got some solid advice, so there won't be any big problems. My body just need to adjust.
So assuming I'm reading this right, you've been lowering the size of the doses over time and are now getting off them altogether? That's good.
To clarify, I wasn't saying that you needed to be on pills forever and ever and ever. I've just seen too many people start taking them, do well, then abruptly stop taking them (thinking they don't need them anymore) and wonder why they're depressed again.
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So assuming I'm reading this right, you've been lowering the size of the doses over time and are now getting off them altogether? That's good.
To clarify, I wasn't saying that you needed to be on pills forever and ever and ever. I've just seen too many people start taking them, do well, then abruptly stop taking them (thinking they don't need them anymore) and wonder why they're depressed again.
I understand the concern, but let me assure you, it wasn't a "oh meds fixed me, I don't need them anymore" moment. I know full well it wasn't the anti-depressant that did the work, it just helped me and my doctor do the work. And yeah, I guess it was time to make the last step and stop taking it, even if my body freaked out a bit. I haven't noticed anything else (like really bad feelings, overall gloom etc.), so I should be fine. Jitteriness is still there, but I can manage it by doing literally anything. It makes me want to move almost constantly, so I'll take that moving energy and hop on the stationary bike soon~
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I feel like shit.
For a few years now it's been sort of a tradition that I've held the new year's eve party at my place.
But now I'll be almost alone, save for one person.
One friend promised for years now that he will come but denied once again.
Another, whom I wanted to talk with for a long time, keep finding excuses at to why he can't come. This is especially painful, because I was always eager to help him whenever he wanted a shoulder to cry on. And now that I want to discuss some heavy stuff with him, he just doesn't seem to have the time for me.
I refused to invite two former friends because of something that's happened lately. My trust deeply weakened in one of them, and the other proved (for the hundreth time) that he's an ignorant jerk.
One friend spends the night with his girlfriend.
One friend comes with his girlfriend but leaves for the night to another friend, to whom I can't go, because there's no place for me there.It seems no one wants to be with me. It fucking hurts.
I will go and drink till I feel I'm drunk enough to fall asleep easily.What did I do to deserve this?
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It's probably the case that most people have lonely holidays at some point. It really helps to think of the fact that it's really just another day. Some years people just have other commitments.
Also, you said alone save for one person? That kinda means you're not actually alone. And even if by yourself, there's literally always people online and that can help. I know it did for me when I spent a couple of years alone during various holidays just watching stuff on twitch and hundreds of other people were also there watching and being alone but still wishing each other good holidays and all that junk.
It should also help you to know you actually have friends. That they're busy on the one day most people are busy doesn't mean they're still not friends. Trust me, it sucks significantly harder when you know it's not just one day that friends aren't around.
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Yesterday my mom came over to talk with me about my transition.
She still doesn't like it and thinks it's a pretty selfish thing to do, that I basically throw away my family by doing this. She also mentioned how I'm kind of self-centered and don't really "accept" people into my heart. She said friends don't count (?). Nevermind that out of like 3 people I'm the one who regularly calls my grandparents to talk with them and ask how they're doing and nevermind that my room is always open for my friends and nevermind that our family barely functions as one.
It's like she suggests I owe my family members something. Like, I should be working towards making it sort of a whole, it's my obligation.
It's not my fault that my family is messed up. I wasn't even 5 when my parents divorced; a few years later my brother left and started to live with my father; because I stayed with my mom and sort of got along well with my step-father, my grandparents hated me.
Years later, I forgave my grandparents and tried my damnedest to establish a bond between us.
With my brother, I just don't feel it. Some of my friends are more brotherly to me than him, and it's not like he isn't trying. Or I think he's trying by playing the "protective big brother" and the like, but… no. Something's not right to me in all this. We could never be true siblings and I don't know if we can change that or if I want to really put time and effort to it. It might sound heartless. It might is. I honestly don't know. I'm so angry and upset about all this.And now, I'm called self-centered. Because I'm trying to accomplish things in my life I never could. Because I'm trying to care for myself. I can even remember my psychiatrist telling me I should acknowledge my own needs. Needing time alone is not a sin. I simply don't have the energy to do some things. I'm working 8 or 9 hours, I'm studying two languages and working towards graduating, I spend time with my friends. I won't sacrifice the time spent with my friends trying to repair things that I didn't break. I just don't want to.
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Something that I've been coming to accept recently (and this took me a long time to accept) is that taking care of yourself is not being selfish. The fact is, if you don't take care of yourself, it's unreasonable to think you can help anyone else sufficiently. Because there's only so much you can do when you are also broken and hurting.
And even so, you aren't responsible for others. Sometimes you have to let go of things when you have no hand in them. And even if you care about people, it doesn't make sense to keep working with them if they show utter uncaring back.
Want to read my webcomic?
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@Serra:
Something that I've been coming to accept recently (and this took me a long time to accept) is that taking care of yourself is not being selfish. The fact is, if you don't take care of yourself, it's unreasonable to think you can help anyone else sufficiently. Because there's only so much you can do when you are also broken and hurting.
And even so, you aren't responsible for others. Sometimes you have to let go of things when you have no hand in them. And even if you care about people, it doesn't make sense to keep working with them if they show utter uncaring back.
I wish people would accept this. From my mom's point of view I might look perfectly okay and healthy, but it take a lot of effort sometimes to keep that up. Sometimes I need to retreat. It was hard for me to accept this, but I did, and now I can keep a osrt of balance. That doesn't mean it's easy and doesn't mean I don't have to pay attention to my emotions. It means I can and absolutely should do that.
Another thing in all this that really hurts is, and it's pretty hard to admit it: I feel my mom didn't really help me go through the hardest part of my life (the crippling depression phase). She wasn't really supporting me emotionally. She helped with some of the finances, but it was mostly my money that went to the psychiatrist (I even ran out of it at one point). It's sad to say, but I don't really remember her helping that much. I feel… guilt. Shouldn't I love my mother unconditionally? Shouldn't that how things are supposed to work? I know that I've never had a father, but aren't mothers in a whole different league whatsoever?
I guess this is another way of growing up... Discovering that so much we've been taught and was said to make a stable foundation isn't really that.
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You aren't forced to love anyone unconditionally. Even parents. It should always ALWAYS be your choice whom you show love to. Once it starts feeling like a burden, it's best to stop.
So saying, as long as it doesn't put you out, there's nothing wrong with helping others.
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It isn't selfish to better yourself and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. I slip into that same frame of mind all the time. It's poison. Yes, you should be conscious of how others' feel but the awareness should be mutual. One-sided relationships aren't exactly healthy.
And mothers aren't all they're cracked up to be, believe me. If she's being unreasonable or insulting you, tell her that.
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Mini rant. I just need to let it out of my chest before it kills me.
! I always had inferiority complex. No matter what I do, I always feel inferior to everyone else. My confidence level is very dependent on whether I success or fail in anything. Me being cynical doesn't make me feel any better.
If I failed, I will never forget the failure.
Me being an perfectionist also affect my self-confidence very badly. I don't dare to try anything new because I'm just too afraid of failure. I'll just procrastinate to avoid doing it.
Sometimes I don't even dare to post my opinion on this forum because I think my opinion is not "perfect" or i'll embrass myself or some bullshitting reason I come up with to convince myself not to do it.
! Thankfully, I still have the strength to pick myself back up after wallowing in self-hate and I'm still willing to try.
! My parents keep putting pressure on me to get a job. I just stop my further study like a month ago…
I know they meant well (they just want me to get out of the house) but they are just making me feel worse and even more inferior.
I feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm not busy looking for a job. I'm still writing my resume unsuccessfully. Most of ex-classmates all have jobs so it's making me feel worse and even more inferior. I felt even worse when my mother say I may not be at an "acceptable level" in the job market.
I know it's STUPID & nonsensical to think that way. It's very likely that I'm very sensitive to whatever they are saying.
! I also absolutely HATE it when my mom use "I have a tough life" card to make me stop complaining and my parents passive-aggressiveness is even more annoying.
"You need to get a job or go out to do something. You should do what you want to do…Wait, you want to work as a temp cashier/waiter/do volunteering work? Sorry, but there's a waste of time. You SHOULD try to work as an auditor. I will not put pressure on you to do that…WHY ARE YOU NOT OPEN TO THE IDEA OF WORKING AS AN AUDITOR!!" It is hilarious how inconsistent they are. At this point, I don't even want to hear any of their advices…
! Their "advice" is akin to telling someone who is already drowning not to drown. It makes no sense.
! I know staying in my house all the time would make me even more inferior and even worse. It won't solve my inferiority complex. Getting a job and leaving the house would be beneficial to me. I'm aware of that.
But the more pressure they keep putting on me, I feel it's just making me NOT want to get a job. It's just making me more confuse what the hell I want to do…
At this point, I'm just going to get a job out of spite and to "stop" feeling inferior. Not because I want to get a job.
! Seriously, can I get a job at my own pace when I'm confident about it....:getlost: -
Mini rant. I just need to let it out of my chest before it kills me.
! I always had inferiority complex. No matter what I do, I always feel inferior to everyone else. My confidence level is very dependent on whether I success or fail in anything. Me being cynical doesn't make me feel any better.
If I failed, I will never forget the failure.
Me being an perfectionist also affect my self-confidence very badly. I don't dare to try anything new because I'm just too afraid of failure. I'll just procrastinate to avoid doing it.
Sometimes I don't even dare to post my opinion on this forum because I think my opinion is not "perfect" or i'll embrass myself or some bullshitting reason I come up with to convince myself not to do it.
! Thankfully, I still have the strength to pick myself back up after wallowing in self-hate and I'm still willing to try.
! My parents keep putting pressure on me to get a job. I just stop my further study like a month ago…
I know they meant well (they just want me to get out of the house) but they are just making me feel worse and even more inferior.
I feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm not busy looking for a job. I'm still writing my resume unsuccessfully. Most of ex-classmates all have jobs so it's making me feel worse and even more inferior. I felt even worse when my mother say I may not be at an "acceptable level" in the job market.
I know it's STUPID & nonsensical to think that way. It's very likely that I'm very sensitive to whatever they are saying.
! I also absolutely HATE it when my mom use "I have a tough life" card to make me stop complaining and my parents passive-aggressiveness is even more annoying.
"You need to get a job or go out to do something. You should do what you want to do…Wait, you want to work as a temp cashier/waiter/do volunteering work? Sorry, but there's a waste of time. You SHOULD try to work as an auditor. I will not put pressure on you to do that…WHY ARE YOU NOT OPEN TO THE IDEA OF WORKING AS AN AUDITOR!!" It is hilarious how inconsistent they are. At this point, I don't even want to hear any of their advices…
! Their "advice" is akin to telling someone who is already drowning not to drown. It makes no sense.
! I know staying in my house all the time would make me even more inferior and even worse. It won't solve my inferiority complex. Getting a job and leaving the house would be beneficial to me. I'm aware of that.
But the more pressure they keep putting on me, I feel it's just making me NOT want to get a job. It's just making me more confuse what the hell I want to do…
At this point, I'm just going to get a job out of spite and to "stop" feeling inferior. Not because I want to get a job.
! Seriously, can I get a job at my own pace when I'm confident about it....:getlost:! I know how you feel.
! Fear or failure is a b*tch, and it can be pretty hard to get over it. You never really "get over it" as much as slowly work towards accepting it bit by bit. One thing to keep in mind is: you're in no way inferior to others because of mistakes. If anything, mistakes help you develop and make progress. It really is more useful messing up sometimes than sitting and doing nothing. However, I know it's not that easy. It takes time and great effort to finally be able to not get devastated by the mere presence of our mistakes. I still get discouraged a lot and ask myself "Does that mean I'm a failure and can never change?". I have to fights these emotions and thoughts so I can move on. Sometimes I stop, sit down, and just retreat for a little while. Not for too long, but a little time does wonders.
! Your willingness to try again and again is admirable. Do keep that quality, because it'll help you throughout your life. The greatest warrior isn't the one never getting hurt. It's the one who does suffer but stands up every time.
! As for a job: there's nothing wrong with "starting jobs" (like cashier etc.). That's what they are, they're meant to be a sort of entrance to the big world for young adults. You can also put those in your resume, even if you don't want to work on that particular field in the future. It's still a job experience and employers might be more willing to take in people who already got the gist of what it means to work. Maybe your parents think these jobs are too demeaning for you, but it's actually just a stepping stone for something bigger and better. A stepping stone that can't really be skipped, mind you.
Ultimately, it's your choice. Part of growing up is getting independent, and the road that leads to that is through your own decisions. They have to understand that.
! > I also absolutely HATE it when my mom use "I have a tough life" card to make me stop complaining and my parents passive-aggressiveness is even more annoying.
! Urgh, I absolutely detest this. It took me a fukton of time to finally be able to accept my own problems as real and more than "whiny little noises". It becomes even more ridiculous when it get carried away and we arrive at "The children if Africa are starving, compared to them, you have the life of a king". I can't put into words how enraged this notion makes me.
No, it doesn't work that way. The well-being of an individual is not a simple checklist of "has food, has roof over head, has school etc.". Those are necessary but not cannot make for a "good' life all on their own. Mental and emotional well-being get swept aside all the fking time.
! I don't your parents nor can I make a legit judgement from over here, but can you talk to them about all this? Ask them to hear you out and let you tell them the whole thing? I don't know if it'd work. It didn't for me, but that's another story. -
! Thank for the advice. I was in the middle of an emotional turmoil when I wrote that. I feel a lot better now.
I KNOW what I need to do but it's easier said than done. It's a constant uphill battle. Sigh.
! My parents are generally ok. As I said, I'm the one that is being sensitive. In a way, I do have fear about starting work and feel inferior. I know it's irrational feelings. So when they keep bringing the job issue, these irrational feelings doesn't go away and it makes me frustrated.
! I'm actually seeing a counsellor for another problem of mine. Anxiety, stammering etc. But i'm also addressing the inferiority complex issue with the counsellor.
My mom is actually paying for it. So she does acknowledge the existence of mental illness and that mental health is important. But when it comes to getting a job & me feeling inferior, she bring in "i have a tougher life" card…I'll talk to her about it eventually. It's funny that she doesn't think feeling inferior is actually an mental problem.If I could, I also don't want to feel inferior & have low self-esteem. I think my brain hates me from time to time.:getlost:
! As for my dad , he's so stubborn so i don't really want to talk to him about anything really... -
@Serra:
Something that I've been coming to accept recently (and this took me a long time to accept) is that taking care of yourself is not being selfish. The fact is, if you don't take care of yourself, it's unreasonable to think you can help anyone else sufficiently. Because there's only so much you can do when you are also broken and hurting.
And even so, you aren't responsible for others. Sometimes you have to let go of things when you have no hand in them. And even if you care about people, it doesn't make sense to keep working with them if they show utter uncaring back.
@Serra:
You aren't forced to love anyone unconditionally. Even parents. It should always ALWAYS be your choice whom you show love to. Once it starts feeling like a burden, it's best to stop.
I just wanted to second these points, Nolus. What you're trying to do isn't selfish at all, and is more along the lines of self-help, and things become much easier once you attend to your personal needs.
In addition, you are not obliged to love anyone, ever. You get to make the choice whether or not you like someone. Including parents.
Maybe it's just been the places I grew up in, but there's a general narrative that families should be placed as the highest priority, and it never sat well with me, because some families can be awful. My dad and I had some clashing personalities, and he never showed interest or showed support in anything I did, so growing up, he just seemed like a stranger to me. So having people tell me that I need to love him and give him "another chance" always rubbed me the wrong way. It took years and a little bit of counseling to help me realize that no, my feelings are not invalid. If I don't want to get to know someone who doesn't really show much interest in me, it should be just left at that.
I know our situations are quite different when it comes to the exact relationship with the parent and the circumstances surrounding it, but the bottom line is this: The best person who knows how you feel about your mom is you, and it takes honest exploration of your emotions.
(I apologize if I come across as dictating about how you should feel. Rather, I hope I'm giving the opposite kind of vibe: that you know how you feel, and you would know what's best for you)
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
Mini rant. I just need to let it out of my chest before it kills me.
! I always had inferiority complex. No matter what I do, I always feel inferior to everyone else. My confidence level is very dependent on whether I success or fail in anything. Me being cynical doesn't make me feel any better.
If I failed, I will never forget the failure.
Me being an perfectionist also affect my self-confidence very badly. I don't dare to try anything new because I'm just too afraid of failure. I'll just procrastinate to avoid doing it.
Sometimes I don't even dare to post my opinion on this forum because I think my opinion is not "perfect" or i'll embrass myself or some bullshitting reason I come up with to convince myself not to do it.
! Thankfully, I still have the strength to pick myself back up after wallowing in self-hate and I'm still willing to try.
! My parents keep putting pressure on me to get a job. I just stop my further study like a month ago…
I know they meant well (they just want me to get out of the house) but they are just making me feel worse and even more inferior.
I feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm not busy looking for a job. I'm still writing my resume unsuccessfully. Most of ex-classmates all have jobs so it's making me feel worse and even more inferior. I felt even worse when my mother say I may not be at an "acceptable level" in the job market.
I know it's STUPID & nonsensical to think that way. It's very likely that I'm very sensitive to whatever they are saying.
! I also absolutely HATE it when my mom use "I have a tough life" card to make me stop complaining and my parents passive-aggressiveness is even more annoying.
"You need to get a job or go out to do something. You should do what you want to do…Wait, you want to work as a temp cashier/waiter/do volunteering work? Sorry, but there's a waste of time. You SHOULD try to work as an auditor. I will not put pressure on you to do that…WHY ARE YOU NOT OPEN TO THE IDEA OF WORKING AS AN AUDITOR!!" It is hilarious how inconsistent they are. At this point, I don't even want to hear any of their advices…
! Their "advice" is akin to telling someone who is already drowning not to drown. It makes no sense.
! I know staying in my house all the time would make me even more inferior and even worse. It won't solve my inferiority complex. Getting a job and leaving the house would be beneficial to me. I'm aware of that.
But the more pressure they keep putting on me, I feel it's just making me NOT want to get a job. It's just making me more confuse what the hell I want to do…
At this point, I'm just going to get a job out of spite and to "stop" feeling inferior. Not because I want to get a job.
! Seriously, can I get a job at my own pace when I'm confident about it....:getlost:So I don't if it's a parent thing, but my mom seems to always find a way to nag about something (huh, didn't expect to bring up my parents in the same thread today…). When I was in college, she told me I needed to find an internship. None came up, but I did pick up two part time jobs, to which she then said I needed to find a 3rd >.> Then, after I graduated school, I started applying to some internship that popped up on my radar, to which my mom complained about how I needed to apply for full-time jobs instead, which upset me since it came across as hypocritical. After I sat down and told her how I felt about these things, she complained a lot less, although she's still understandably concerned about me sometimes. She knows she can't really force me to do anything, but she'll always worry
So I've come to learn that a lot of times, parents who nag at you really have your best interest at heart, but sometimes forget where you feel personally on the subject. So it's worth letting them know that they're being a bit overwhelming for you, and that you need help, rather than constant complaints of "you need to do this".
And jobs are a tricky thing. Going at your own pace is fine, especially since you have an infrastructure where you can affordably do so (living with your parents, steady source of food (I assume), etc.), but then comes the hard reality that money is needed in order to do stuff, like dining out with friends, buying things you personally want, and so forth.
So you might have to bite the bullet and work a sucky part-time job until you find the one you want, or at least, a better job. And if you choose to work the sucky part time job, please remind yourself that it doesn't reflect your self-worth. It's a means to an end, and if you keep your head up, another job opportunity might come along.
I don't know if you live in a big town/city or not, but I'd also recommend seeing if the city (or any nearby city, if transportation is convenient) website has any job boards. Some even have an e-mail sign up, where you can be notified of any job openings in certain fields you may be interested in.
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There a conflict currently brewing inside me.
I'm torn between a great many things, two of which has to do with my friends.
One is about a thing I've written about (a friend basically calling my depressive mood-swings temper-tantrums). The situation is still unresolved, with none of the sides making the first step. Do I have to do that? A part of me says no, if they consider me a friend, they'll step out and confront me. By that logic, however, I am too "the friend" who should work towards peace amongst the group. A counter-argument against that is, should it be st the expense of my values? Should I not take into account the fact that a close friend, who knew well enough about my condition, dismissed my low moments as whining? While acting as a guardian of my mental well-being?
Another friend of mine, who back in my hardest days took time to go to the doc with me to talk, now wouldn't believe me and try to downplay the hurtful things I've been told. It's hard to "want peace" after this. And yet, I feel like I did something wrong. And from another standpoint, my trust have been cheated by these two. -
It can be rough. I hate having situations unresolved. However, I'm bad at resolving things because I'm bad at confrontation. Speaking more specifically to what you are saying, Nolus, is that if the other side isn't starting to resolve, you have to decide whether you want to resolve it or not. Sometimes, even with a close friend, it's better to let go than to resolve. It really depends on the situation. Good friends aren't worth keeping if they are not at least trying to be supporting.
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As for my own confession.
! When I realized I was pansexual, it made me happy so many years ago. And now, finding that I might be polyamorous…it's harder to feel happy. I know I can easily have strong feelings for several people. I already do. But if none of them are poly, I fear that my expressions of love, my flirting, my being their friend even, might be oppressive one day. I can't NOT tell people I care for them deeply. Even saying so makes me wonder what they think. I have already told everyone that I have strong feelings for that I have them. None of them have rejected me, said we couldn't be friends. My best friend still enjoys talking to me almost daily even despite this. So really...I keep thinking it's just in my head and I need to calm down and just...let it go where my heart takes it.
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Small update:
Today I was listening to a music from a band I recently discovered, I was really enjoying it and suddenly I started to smile/sing along while I was listening to the song, it felt so…weird. It has being so long since I last smiled or had fun doing something. Happiness is starting to enter my life again and its a weird but incredible feeling, sure, I still have some fears, but I know I can face them.
In the last month, I talked with my father about alot of subjects and one thing he said that really made a impact was: "Son, you have 27 years, you are a adult, live your life without fears and with no regrets, if there are things that makes you happy, of course if it is reasonable, do it".
Yeah, suddenly I noticed that I AM a adult... Wow..
When AP used to be good:
NEVER FORGET !!
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So… okay. I don't really have anywhere else to say this, but... I think I'm gonna die?
Like. I'm not sick or anything. I just... I don't know how to describe it, but for the past couple of months, I'm genuinely convinced that, sometime soon, something's gonna come out of nowhere and end me. I can't even leave the house without having some thought like, "oh well, guess I'm going to get hit by a car or run into a murderer now." That kind of thing happens all the time, I mean, lots of people die for no good reason, so really it's unreasonable to just assume I won't be one of them, but... this isn't normal, is it? It's not like this is because of some sort of trauma or anything, I haven't ever really been that close to death, and even that scares me, like since I don't really know any dead people I HAVE to die to balance it out... is there some reason this is happening, or am I just wrong and dumb? I have no idea, but it makes it hard for me to plan my own future, considering I'm pretty sure I won't have one. No reason in particular. Just sure.
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So… okay. I don't really have anywhere else to say this, but... I think I'm gonna die?
Like. I'm not sick or anything. I just... I don't know how to describe it, but for the past couple of months, I'm genuinely convinced that, sometime soon, something's gonna come out of nowhere and end me. I can't even leave the house without having some thought like, "oh well, guess I'm going to get hit by a car or run into a murderer now." That kind of thing happens all the time, I mean, lots of people die for no good reason, so really it's unreasonable to just assume I won't be one of them, but... this isn't normal, is it? It's not like this is because of some sort of trauma or anything, I haven't ever really been that close to death, and even that scares me, like since I don't really know any dead people I HAVE to die to balance it out... is there some reason this is happening, or am I just wrong and dumb? I have no idea, but it makes it hard for me to plan my own future, considering I'm pretty sure I won't have one. No reason in particular. Just sure.
The first thing I wonder from this is when this sort of feeling/mentality started. Do you remember?
Other things worth mentioning:
- Statistically lots of people die prematurely from accidents and the like, but also statistically lots of people don't. It's just easier to notice the former because "Local Area Man Still Alive" isn't usually what news or attention focuses on.
- That idea of you having to die because of not having been close to death so far is also based on the assumption that there is an order or law to life and death, when no such law exists. I don't see why you dying would balance things out either… wouldn't that same set of circumstances lead to us assuming that x person in that set of individuals could ALSO die? It sounds like the sort of assumptions people make when watching horror movies to figure out who will die and who won't, but that stuff makes no sense in the real world.
- So if by your thought process you're going to get hit by something and die, how exactly does this affect you living? I mean, if it happens it's gonna happen anywhere, so why not just plan short-term to have an enjoyable life experience anyway?
But yea, bottom line I just wonder if you can remember when this started.
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I'm not sure where else to post this but, I think it may be of help to someone.
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So… okay. I don't really have anywhere else to say this, but... I think I'm gonna die?
Like. I'm not sick or anything. I just... I don't know how to describe it, but for the past couple of months, I'm genuinely convinced that, sometime soon, something's gonna come out of nowhere and end me. I can't even leave the house without having some thought like, "oh well, guess I'm going to get hit by a car or run into a murderer now." That kind of thing happens all the time, I mean, lots of people die for no good reason, so really it's unreasonable to just assume I won't be one of them, but... this isn't normal, is it? It's not like this is because of some sort of trauma or anything, I haven't ever really been that close to death, and even that scares me, like since I don't really know any dead people I HAVE to die to balance it out... is there some reason this is happening, or am I just wrong and dumb? I have no idea, but it makes it hard for me to plan my own future, considering I'm pretty sure I won't have one. No reason in particular. Just sure.
It could help to speak to a doctor. Your mind is telling you that something is wrong, and there have been documented cases of people with serious physical illnesses whose only symptom was that feeling.
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Small update:
Today I was listening to a music from a band I recently discovered, I was really enjoying it and suddenly I started to smile/sing along while I was listening to the song, it felt so…weird. It has being so long since I last smiled or had fun doing something. Happiness is starting to enter my life again and its a weird but incredible feeling, sure, I still have some fears, but I know I can face them.
In the last month, I talked with my father about alot of subjects and one thing he said that really made a impact was: "Son, you have 27 years, you are a adult, live your life without fears and with no regrets, if there are things that makes you happy, of course if it is reasonable, do it".
Yeah, suddenly I noticed that I AM a adult... Wow..
I'm glad you're feeling well~ You deserve it!
So… okay. I don't really have anywhere else to say this, but... I think I'm gonna die?
Like. I'm not sick or anything. I just... I don't know how to describe it, but for the past couple of months, I'm genuinely convinced that, sometime soon, something's gonna come out of nowhere and end me. I can't even leave the house without having some thought like, "oh well, guess I'm going to get hit by a car or run into a murderer now." That kind of thing happens all the time, I mean, lots of people die for no good reason, so really it's unreasonable to just assume I won't be one of them, but... this isn't normal, is it? It's not like this is because of some sort of trauma or anything, I haven't ever really been that close to death, and even that scares me, like since I don't really know any dead people I HAVE to die to balance it out... is there some reason this is happening, or am I just wrong and dumb? I have no idea, but it makes it hard for me to plan my own future, considering I'm pretty sure I won't have one. No reason in particular. Just sure.
I feel a similar kind of dread occasionally, it usually goes away quickly.
If this feeling persist, try to contact a therapist/doctor. I doubt you're the first ever human to experience these and they might have some good advice.
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I'm struggling to stay happy these days.
I always end up crying after a while…
Most people will support themselves even when thing get tough. I do the opposite. I make myself feel even worse, make myslef feel less unworthy.
I don't even have confident to try anything new. I will just tell myself you will fail at it, why even bother? I gave up on all my hobby
I don't even know what I want to do in my life anymore. I feel so lost that I don't know what I actually want...I more or less stop seeing my therapist because I don't even want to try anymore. There's no guilt that is making me want to continue seeing her. It's just a hollow & empty feeling.
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I'm struggling to stay happy these days.
I always end up crying after a while…
Most people will support themselves even when thing get tough. I do the opposite. I make myself feel even worse, make myslef feel less unworthy.
I don't even have confident to try anything new. I will just tell myself you will fail at it, why even bother? I gave up on all my hobby
I don't even know what I want to do in my life anymore. I feel so lost that I don't know what I actually want...I more or less stop seeing my therapist because I don't even want to try anymore. There's no guilt that is making me want to continue seeing her. It's just a hollow & empty feeling.
Hollowness and emptiness is familiar to me too.
One thing I can say is, there are times when it's hard or even impossible to be happy. Sometimes you just have to survive. It sound bleak and it feels that too, but believe me. You are not unworthy of help, nor unworthy of happiness. You are not unworthy because you struggle when things get tough, or even falter. It's not a shame that you need help to stay afloat.
You know where I'd be now if I didn't get help and were on my own? In the gutter. I'm not kidding. My psychiatrist, friends and people on this very forum sacrificed time to make me worthy and wanted. I'd be dead alone.Please, continue seeing your therapist. Things might stay bad for a while, healing is not immediate, and you might fall back into this pit of despair a couple of times, but please, don't stop going forward. There is an end to this. There is happiness awaiting you, you just have to go, walk, crawl and get there.
Please don't give up.
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I'm struggling to stay happy these days.
I always end up crying after a while…
Most people will support themselves even when thing get tough. I do the opposite. I make myself feel even worse, make myslef feel less unworthy.
I don't even have confident to try anything new. I will just tell myself you will fail at it, why even bother? I gave up on all my hobby
I don't even know what I want to do in my life anymore. I feel so lost that I don't know what I actually want...I more or less stop seeing my therapist because I don't even want to try anymore. There's no guilt that is making me want to continue seeing her. It's just a hollow & empty feeling.
I agree with Nolus. You should keep seeing your therapist and if you can, open up to family or friends about this. Nobody can get out of depression or similar issues without support.
As for picking up your hobbies again or trying new things or whatnot, I definitely think it's worth a shot to try and slowly convince yourself that it's something that it doesn't matter if you fail at it or not, but that you have fun while going at it. Besides, only through failing, you actually become better at something, right?Hang in there Sunny!
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I'm staying on my feet.
I'm doing as much as I can to stay afloat and not let anything jerk the ground from beneath my feet.I'm still getting thoughts that I'd rather not have.
"Will I ever be able to become the man I want to be?"
"Will I ever be able to wear my skin proudly?"
"Will I ever look at my body with a smile on my face?"I'm playing rpg games. Open-world games that have lots of little stories I can engage in and forget my physical form for the time being.
Where I can make a character and slap a classy moustache-beard combo on it, and call it by my chosen name. -
I understand why people aren't allowed to take the law into their owns hands, but at the same time the justice system isn't perfect. I feel like for example shooting someone who abuses their spouse and/or kids shouldn't be against the law.
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Making that concession can lead to problems where one person perceives or shapes facts to make it seem like that in order to kill with impunity. Also opens a cascade of other inconsistencies in terms of when is it OK or not to kill
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Well, since 12/14/2016, a lot of things have happened in my life. On that day, my roommate at the time decided to move out unexpectedly. Her reasons was because she felt unsafe around me; as I had anger issues at times, and that scared her. And also because of my extreme codependency issues, where she was doing everything for me, right now to her doing my own phone calls. I also have extreme social anxiety, so it was hard for me to go out alone, even to a grocery store. On 12/15/2016, I was trying to find housing, and asked my girlfriend at the time, to see if I can move in with her father. Expect what happened instead was that her father forced us to break up, as he did not like the age gap between us. (Around 11 years between.) He did allow us to remain friends, and we are still friends to this day. So, at the time, it was another blow to my depression. And so, being in at my therapist's I asked her to send me to the psyche ward as I was extremely suicidal, and wanted to to be kept safe. (Well, the hospital, where they had a unit inside.) Though I also found out I had the stomach flu, and my blood pressure kept dropping to the point of me fainting at one point when I got there. So, I had one bad thing after another.
Once I get to the psyche ward, my anxiety and depression was high at times, worrying about housing, on what to do, etc. Eventually, at one point, I was hoping to work things out with my former roommate, but that went astray, and I got extremely depressed. I did make vows to change. Specifically, not to ever use my anger and lash it out on others, or hurt them. I got put on mood stabilizers to help with my moods, which made me happy. This whole event taught me a valuable lesson, and in a way, I am glad it happened, since it showed me that I had codependency issues among other things. I also learned to love myself in the psyche ward. By visualizing hugging myself for example, parenting myself, and so forth. I actually learned this from a Catholic friar who was also accepting of my transgender status.
Eventually, I went to a step down program, where they could help me with housing, and go to group therapy at the same time to work on my issues. This was around 1/10/2017, I believe. The first two weeks went well, till they mentioned I have to call to be on the homeless shelter list, and that got my anxiety up really high, as I could not fed for myself. Well, I had to call, while I was waiting for to get into a CRR, since at that time I had no options. It was also to do with my insurance, only letting me go at thirty days. So, throughout all that, my depression got worse. I remember asking friends on here to see if they could help in my situation, and eventually got an option for a Fairweather Lodge here. But, that was worrying me too, as I was not sure if I would get in or not. On the day of the interview, I also got another housing option, which turned out to be supportive housing. So, after going to the Fairweather Lodge interview, I decided to go to the supportive housing instead as it would be better in slowly helping me learn how to me more independent, than just going in all at once.
Though then the worrying of funding came into my worries, till I talked to someone who went through the same thing, and she had no issue. Eventually, everything got figured out, and I was ready to go, when I got another housing option, this time an actual CRR which this one is more like an one room apartment with 24 hour staff. I decided to choose this option instead, as the one with the supportive housing was in another county, two by going to the CRR, I get to stay in my current city, where I don't have to change my services, and three the CRR will help me better in being more independent than compared to the supportive housing. Oh, I also forgot four, I get to keep my car, as the other place did not allow cars. So, yeah, I have been through a lot in the last few months, and over time I will get more happier and stronger. Also, I am thankful for getting the help I need to move on, change, and become the independent, confident young woman I want to be!
P.S I forgot to mention that the step down program gave me an extension as they found me an actual place to go to, so I got lucky in that. And besides that, I am talking again with my former roommate again, and slowly fixing the friendship between us.
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I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through hell and back recently, Ekila. But after reading your post can I just say that you are one strong and amazing woman?
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I'm so sorry to hear that you've been through hell and back recently, Ekila. But after reading your post can I just say that you are one strong and amazing woman?
Yes, I agree with you on me being a strong and amazing woman! I also learned a lot of lessons as well the past few months. And thanks! ^^
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I've been thinking about some existential stuff lately (though not in the way you might expect),
mostly fuelled by what I describe in these tweets:!
I've felt like this for a while now, and I would love to know what's going on in my own head.
It's happening more and more frequently. Scenes that are new, but I swear I've seen and enjoyed YEARS ago.
And the memories themselves are very vivid and feel totally real. It kinda freaks me out when I think about it for too long.
It just makes me think about those people who apparently remember "their past life" accurately,
and then it makes me wonder about being able to re-live your own life to see the same things you did before. -
I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a long time.
My mother, who I love very much, suffers from Persecutory Delusional Disorder, a mental disorder defined by a person believing that he or she is being harassed, spied on, poisoned or drugged, being followed, etc. I began noticing the signs around the summer of 2007, when we lived in Connecticut. My father noticed it years earlier (they seperated in June 2009). When a car drives by out house, she thinks the driver is spying on her, when she's out driving she thinks she's being stalked if someone is driving too close to her bumper. The more bizarre delusions is her thinking that someone is coming into our house and moving items around, despite their being no physical evidence of forced entry, and she believes that she is being "gassed" by strangers and even a couple of our family members and friends. She claims that all of this started with a nasty rumor about her when we lived in Connecticut. I was hoping these delusions would go away once we moved back home to Illinois in 2012, but sadly, it hasn't changed.
It's all but impossible trying to reason with her about it, because it always leads to us arguing. Sadly, she's not only person in my family with this illness. I have an Aunt and two Uncles (my mother's siblings) that have showed similiar signs having bizarre delusions.
I feel powerless. I want her to seek help, but I know that she won't since she believes her delusions are real. My worst nightmare is her confronting someone and possibly becoming violent towards them, and might end up getting seriously injured or even killed. I just want my mother back.
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I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a long time.
My mother, who I love very much, suffers from Persecutory Delusional Disorder, a mental disorder defined by a person believing that he or she is being harassed, spied on, poisoned or drugged, being followed, etc. I began noticing the signs around the summer of 2007, when we lived in Connecticut. My father noticed it years earlier (they seperated in June 2009). When a car drives by out house, she thinks the driver is spying on her, when she's out driving she thinks she's being stalked if someone is driving too close to her bumper. The more bizarre delusions is her thinking that someone is coming into our house and moving items around, despite their being no physical evidence of forced entry, and she believes that she is being "gassed" by strangers and even a couple of our family members and friends. She claims that all of this started with a nasty rumor about her when we lived in Connecticut. I was hoping these delusions would go away once we moved back home to Illinois in 2012, but sadly, it hasn't changed.
It's all but impossible trying to reason with her about it, because it always leads to us arguing. Sadly, she's not only person in my family with this illness. I have an Aunt and two Uncles (my mother's siblings) that have showed similiar signs having bizarre delusions.
I feel powerless. I want her to seek help, but I know that she won't since she believes her delusions are real. My worst nightmare is her confronting someone and possibly becoming violent towards them, and might end up getting seriously injured or even killed. I just want my mother back.
I know how this can feel like, if your loved one suffers from a serious mental disease, it feels like you lost her/him forever, but that is NOT true, she is still your mother, regardless of the disease, you didn't lose her, I know it feels she is not the same as before, but belive me, if you love her and she loves you, then you still have a family, deep inside her, she knows she is your mother.
I can totally agree with you, the feel of complete powerless is horrible, if you have any kinda of support (your father or any private/public institution) you trust and it's close to where you live, ask them for aid. Take care of her, but please, take care of you as well, don't try do do everything alone.
Anything, talk with me, I've been through this kind of situation before.
When AP used to be good:
NEVER FORGET !!
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I know how this can feel like, if your loved one suffers from a serious mental disease, it feels like you lost her/him forever, but that is NOT true, she is still your mother, regardless of the disease, you didn't lose her, I know it feels she is not the same as before, but belive me, if you love her and she loves you, then you still have a family, deep inside her, she knows she is your mother.
I can totally agree with you, the feel of complete powerless is horrible, if you have any kinda of support (your father or any private/public institution) you trust and it's close to where you live, ask them for aid. Take care of her, but please, take care of you as well, don't try do do everything alone.
Anything, talk with me, I've been through this kind of situation before.
Thank you, C. That really means a lot. Sadly, my support options are a bit limited.
