[hide]I wish I could stop feeling so irrationally angry at everything. I keep blaming myself for not trusting my own instincts more. It's easier to just go along with what others say. Even when I KNOW I'm right, I still wind up doing things that I don't believe in or think is the right course to take. I know I shouldn't blame others. And maybe if I were more confident in myself, I'd feel less irritated at going along with something I don't want. I don't know when I stopped having confidence in myself. Every day is like hearing a lot of voices in my head clamoring all at once about all sorts of negative things and I just want it to STOP. if only it were as easy as just stabbing myself through the head. how does one let go of feeling worthless? everyone's always acting like that's the easiest shit to do and I'm tired of people saying anxieties/depression are on-off switches. THOUGH it'd be really nice if I could just…. shut it off. But long-lasting 'happiness' won't work like that. even though everyone around me makes it SEEM easy.[/hide]
Well, there are 2 ways to let go of a feeling like worthlessness. You have to either overcome it with an even stronger and more positive emotion (self - realization that you're indeed not worthless) or let is pass on its own but it takes time which there is no definite framework for. It all depends on the severity of this particular feeling. If you have feelings of worthlessness because you go along with what everyone else says/does and you feel you're right a lot of the time then problem isn't just a lack of confidence but also the people you're following. If you feel the people you're associating with are constantly wrong or doing things you don't agree with then the very best course of action is finding a new group. At least then, even if you do continue to just follow, you'll be in sync with the group and following something you agree with and it'll cause a lot less stress on you. Once you find yourself in agreement with others, if you have a lack of confidence, it'll help you speak up more without fear of rebuke because chances of you being ignored or dismissed are lessened due to the fact that more than likely they'll be with you 100% of the way. Speaking up anywhere and in any situation with people will build confidence and help prepare you for speaking up in front of others, even those who might not agree with you. I'm not saying surround yourself with a bunch of Yes Men and clones but rather people you're not disagreeing with so many times to the point where you feel like you have no confidence left.
Of course, if they're family members or classmates…the first one you just have to live with and accept that even family have their differences and I hope that the love you all share can help you all work through those differences. The second one is easier in that you don't have to associate with classmates (same for family I guess) or follow them unless it's something like a group project.
I see I don't need to tell you how millions of people around the world only "seem" like they're doing better than they actually are but really everyone is going through their very own unique personal shit. Does that make you feel better? Maybe not but the realization helps you ignore the stupid comments like anxiety and depression have an "on/off switch". If that were true millions of people would have figured that out by now and not suffer from anxiety and depression. So that's a +1 for you girl. Now, there are different levels of depression as not everyone with
It's gotten to a point where I feel like I can't even do the things I like doing. do you know what it feels like to look for something in your 'field of interest' on your college website that everyone says will surely get you opportunities and get ZERO results? the more I go through the motions of searching the more it feels like I'm in a video game and forgot to pick up something vital, or several somethings, before trying to advance the story, and now I have no clue where to go from here. Like did I do something wrong? should I have taken different classes? should I have never taken classes? maybe my interests itself were wrong from the start. I can't cut it anywhere. sometimes living feels like the most useless thing in the world. I keep thinking 'maybe if I just lie still enough I could die' but I bet even that won't meet my expectations.
What year are you? I didn't figure out what I really wanted to do until Junior year and had to stay an extra semester because, whoops, turns out Civil Engineering was not my thing. What a waste. Some people don't have any of it figured out into the very last minute. Some peiople figure it out after graduating, but they do figure it out. It's not a pretty option but the point is it is an option. You're not going down a hopelessly lost path. You have so many opportunities to find your way and figure it all out. Everyone find themselves differently and at different stages in their lives. You might feel lost now but really you're just forging your own path in your own part of the woods. Ok, yeah, maybe you are a little lost now but we all go through that….again and again and some more than others, but I have confidence you'll find your footing because I know how it feels to lack that confidence before and then to slowly gain it back down the years.[/hide]
[hide]So today is eight years since my father left home and left me with a sick woman (my mother). During these eight years I have done everything in order to help her. But unfortunately nothing was effective, and only bad things happened in our lives. I fear I'm losing my sanity, as threats of suicide, panic attacks, fainting in public places and outbursts of anger are part of my life almost every day.
I feel embarrassed to say I've punched my mother, and today I was extremely rude to her, cursing, pushing hard and missing with respect in a public place. And the bad part, I was seen as the villain of the situation.
I am struggling to ignore it, but it's been eight years and there was no improvement…This will sound childish but I want to run away, I don´t know where, but I want to run away. Disappear.
There's nothing I can do to help her, because I know I'm a total shit without any quality, and people expect me to take care of my mother. Every day I think about killing myself (I look at the open window and think "if I jump, all this shit will be over"). I'm getting tired, nervous and frustrated with my life, I have no one to help me, so I know that the only people who will cry/care if I die will be my mother and my father.
How long I will tolerate or pretend that everything will work out in the end ?[/hide]
[hide]It's not your fault that you feel like running away. The responsibility dumped on your lap to care for your mother without any assistance is extremely harsh. The stress alone would do harm to any person. You have to stop laying hands on your mother though. That is absolutely not going to solve anything but it's absolutely going to make problems worse. I'm sorry for your predicament but for your sake and hers you can't take any violent actions against her because of the stress. If you truly feel like you won't be able to continue on taking care of your mother without hurting yourself or her then, if you haven't already, research affordable homes or government run facilities to send your mother to so that professionals can watch after her. Also, that's if you can't get anyone else close to the family to help take care of her. Don't throw your mom to wind. She still is your mother, but of course I don't need to tell you that because you've been responsibly taking care of her for 8 years now.
This stress is hurting you though. You see how you're speaking about yourself and the crap you're believing? You and I both know that isn't true. You're one of the kindest people on here. Who else hosts a game show and sends people costly gifts from overseas for answering some questions right? What kind of man does it take to take care of his ailing mother alone even when it feels it's not going anywhere but you persevere anyway? It takes a good man with a kind heart so there's your quality right there. Stop thinking about taking that from the world. Of course, you're not the only person ever to take care of an ailing parent but that is usually done with help or it's expected (age). You're not selfish for wanting help and it's ok to be frustrated, but again, you cannot lower yourself to violence. You have to find a more positive way to release that energy and if it has to be physical do take it out on a punching bag or a some kind of exercise.
I hope this helps and you find help soon.[/hide]