Confession Session II

[Vectorkov]

@Doffy.:

But yes i know that not everyone in west are assholes and my family have met many great people from all countries , culture , religion etc….....

Where did this occur?

[TBlend]

yawn

Has everyone been playing nice around here? It's been a pretty long time since I last posted. Although, looking at the posts above me I see we still have the usual mixture of helpful folks and awful blokes. For all that changes things tend to stay the same, eh?~

I feel like I've been growing up a little bit. I can't say I've done quite as much growing over the past year as I did last year when I was working offshore, which is a shame because I'm in college now and expected more growth… but I digress. I have to admit, I feel as though I've gained a lot of wisdom; heard a lot of really smart things from some really smart people. But despite learning several new lessons it does seem to take me a while to absorb them all. I have to keep on reminding myself, "Oh yeah, I changed this perspective. This other perspective is better, I should try harder to think this way", and yada.

I keep rambling and going in circles... sorry about that. >_>

...

I was depressed.

I think I might still be a bit depressed, though I can see some light now for once. I was depressed for at least four years now. And, oddly enough, my life over the past four years has been fairly simple, in fact not very complicated at all, and contained very little adversity. And yet, despite the fact that I was living through what some would arguably call "peace time" I was even more depressed and felt more trapped than when I was a child, when I used to face "real" adversity (I saw rape in public bathrooms at my school, witnessed marital abuse in my own home, suffered first-hand abuse many times and contemplated suicide many times; basically, I'm not making empty statements).

How is it that, with more freedom and definitely less adversity... I could be so cripplingly depressed that all of my motivations and passions just seemed empty? Worthless? That it was all meaningless. And I trapped myself for a long time, contemplating that question. All I had was an inkling, really... a feeling that things weren't so meaningful. And that doubt that was sowed in my mind grew into a garden of despair (forgive the analogy, I pretend to be a writer now and again). What if there is no meaning? What can I do? What good can I do? What good is anything? Yada, yada.

And yeah, I was trapped in my little despair garden. Nothing growing around me but weeds. Weeds wrapping all around me and sucking the life from my very veins, nourishing themselves and growing more, becoming a grander despair as I became more empty. Every now and then I might pull myself up a little bit, spray some "good feels" plant killer and kill a few despair weeds. Oh, but they'd grow back. There was too much garden at this point, too much doubt.

You know, this garden is an ideal. It is a perspective. I think what some of us fail to realize when we hear, "We need to change our perspectives" isn't to change one or two aspects of our current ones… No. What it means is that we have to literally shift our entire perspectives in order to glean some kind of hope. And… that's what happened to me recently. I had an epiphany of sorts. I had realized something that, in retrospect, was so very obvious that I became infuriated that I wasted four years of my life thinking from the same perspective without once considering another side.

I realized I was miserable those past four years, obviously. But why? Why was I miserable? And I thought about it. What can "I" do to change this? What can "I" change in "myself" to feel better? I… Me... Myself... Kenny... KK... Jazzy Jinx... Whatever I'd use to refer to as "myself". And there was the epiphany. "Oh my God... For the past four years I've been thinking about how I could change things in myself and how I could make myself happier."

Are there not six billion other people out there that could offer me even an iota of change? I can't change myself. The components that make up who I am at this moment already exist within me. If I couldn't, in four years, find those components to make myself happier, another four years wouldn't have sufficed either. It has to be other people then. And yes, it might be cheesy but that's when I realized how wonderfully circular people are.

You can't give happiness to yourself, or at least I don't believe you can… But you can give happiness to others. And in return, they can give happiness to you. It is our interactions with others that create changes within ourselves. And it's the only way we can find new perspectives. Otherwise, we're just remixing our own.

If you've sown nothing but weeds then you need someone to come along and plant a new seed in your garden. And you need to nourish it and wait and see... that even a flower can grow in a garden of weeds.

[Demon Rin]

So, I have a bit of an odd problem and I'm worried it'll come off as me bragging in a way, but I'm not. Hear me out please.

I've got this weird issue lately where I'm suddenly getting hit on quite a bit… Maybe it's because I now take the bus to work following my car breaking down, so therefore I'm out and about in spaces with people I don't already know a lot more than I used to, but I've suddenly gone from literally NEVER getting hit on, to getting hit on quite a bit. Today, I had to deal with an old guy who hit on me at the bus stop.

First off, I have no idea why someone like me is getting hit on... I'm not attractive, and I'm positive that by looking at me, people can probably tell aspects of me are not... shall we say, what they might expect...

Second, my major issue here is... how to handle it... since it never happens to me, I'm kinda ill-equipt to deflect unwanted guys... The very first one, I actually gave my number to and we exchanged a few texts before he lost interest. Today, I got hit on by a particularly old guy. He was nice, pleasent to talk to, but he was not my type at all... I got out of this one by giving a fake phone number, but it was still super awkward.

My major question is for some of the other fine ladies of Arlong Park... how would you reccomend I deal with this?

(Sorry in advance if this was a stupid question)

[Prismeru]

It isn't a stupid question and it is really valid. Don't feel bad about asking it. Also, don't say you're not what people would expect. When a person is confident in themselves they are beautiful and attractive (well, that's what i've seen in all my years) so don't be saying that.

Given that, i don't know how to turn down guys that hit on. When someone like in a thousand year hits on me i only get really nervous. But i'm sure someone here can give you fine advice on that (Maybe a falcon punch to the face?)

[valiantt]

@Demon:

how would you reccomend I deal with this?

In the following ways:
1.Say you aren't comfortable giving away numbers to strangers due to privacy reasons. If he's a decent guy, he'll know to be respectful.
2. If he still persists, give him a fake number (THOUGH this can backfire as he can pretty much take out his phone and call you on the spot to confirm it. I think you got fairly lucky).
3. And if that fails, just pretend to get distracted with your phone or getting a phone call. That usually ends it fairly quickly.

*PS: If you want to lessen the likelyhood of getting "hit on", you could always wear a pair of headphones, pretend you're sleeping, or read a book. Reading a book is usually the big one as you can just kindly say "Sorry I'm trying to read this". Most guys tend to be polite and give you space whereas folks that aggressively attempt to get your number are generally the ones you probably don't want to associate with.

[wolfwood]

@Demon:

So, I have a bit of an odd problem and I'm worried it'll come off as me bragging in a way, but I'm not. Hear me out please.

I've got this weird issue lately where I'm suddenly getting hit on quite a bit… Maybe it's because I now take the bus to work following my car breaking down, so therefore I'm out and about in spaces with people I don't already know a lot more than I used to, but I've suddenly gone from literally NEVER getting hit on, to getting hit on quite a bit. Today, I had to deal with an old guy who hit on me at the bus stop.

First off, I have no idea why someone like me is getting hit on... I'm not attractive, and I'm positive that by looking at me, people can probably tell aspects of me are not... shall we say, what they might expect...

Second, my major issue here is... how to handle it... since it never happens to me, I'm kinda ill-equipt to deflect unwanted guys... The very first one, I actually gave my number to and we exchanged a few texts before he lost interest. Today, I got hit on by a particularly old guy. He was nice, pleasent to talk to, but he was not my type at all... I got out of this one by giving a fake phone number, but it was still super awkward.

My major question is for some of the other fine ladies of Arlong Park... how would you reccomend I deal with this?

(Sorry in advance if this was a stupid question)

If it's just casual chit-chat moving in that direction then i'd say just banter it away. And if it's explicitly asking for a date or a number just be firm and say you aren't looking for anything atm.

I mean you could probably do all kinds of diversions and shield move, like claiming to have a boyfriend or whatever people do, but if it's a nice enough guy he deserves to know where he stands no? And just acknowledging it and closing the window seems like the classiest move.

And if it's just a dude hassling you, flip him off.

[valiantt]

@wolfwood:

And if it's just a dude hassling you, flip him off.

Had a fair share of men hassling you for your number Wolfwoof?

[wolfwood]

@valiantt:

Had a fair share of men hassling you for your number Wolfwoof?

I so wish i had a witty retort to this. Something that really made you want to snuggle up in your burn blanket.

Way to make me aware that i'm not a fine lady of AP, or anywhere else really.

[Purple Hermit]

Wolfwood's wolfwood brings all the boys to the yard

[wolfwood]

Seriously though i just blanked on that what do you ladies think part.

It certainly seems likely that my two cents might not be that relevant when it's not something i've experienced.

So yeah sorry about that.

[valiantt]

@wolfwood:

Seriously though i just blanked on that what do you ladies think part.

It certainly seems likely that my two cents might not be that relevant when it's not something i've experienced.

So yeah sorry about that.

In all seriousness, wolfwolf, your opinion is as valid as anyone else's. And no one can turn down a good suggestion.

However, a thought just occurred to me. Most guys that are remarkably aggressive are kinda…dicks in my opinion. However, is there a limit to how aggressive one can be? Yeah one ought to not go around being Duke Nukemon, but isn't aggressiveness a bit of a positive quality trait that is ideal in a guy? It demonstrates confidence, a pro-active attitude, and such which I can see why it would be a turn on in a way. But still, at the same time, it also can turn a guy into a real irritant jerk so...yeah...

[Arei]

@Demon:

So, I have a bit of an odd problem and I'm worried it'll come off as me bragging in a way, but I'm not. Hear me out please.

I've got this weird issue lately where I'm suddenly getting hit on quite a bit… Maybe it's because I now take the bus to work following my car breaking down, so therefore I'm out and about in spaces with people I don't already know a lot more than I used to, but I've suddenly gone from literally NEVER getting hit on, to getting hit on quite a bit. Today, I had to deal with an old guy who hit on me at the bus stop.

First off, I have no idea why someone like me is getting hit on... I'm not attractive, and I'm positive that by looking at me, people can probably tell aspects of me are not... shall we say, what they might expect...

Second, my major issue here is... how to handle it... since it never happens to me, I'm kinda ill-equipt to deflect unwanted guys... The very first one, I actually gave my number to and we exchanged a few texts before he lost interest. Today, I got hit on by a particularly old guy. He was nice, pleasent to talk to, but he was not my type at all... I got out of this one by giving a fake phone number, but it was still super awkward.

My major question is for some of the other fine ladies of Arlong Park... how would you reccomend I deal with this?

(Sorry in advance if this was a stupid question)

No it's not a stupid question at all!

I have the advantage of being a woman of taller and broader stature, and seem to terrify people when I get pissed off, so when someone makes me mad with their persistence after I've rejected them I usually scare them away. Thankfully nothing ever escalated after that.

It really depends on what makes you comfortable. I'm comfortable with saying no thank you, not interested, please leave me alone, i'm busy, and will escalate the situation (ie bodily harm) if someone were overly persistent and made me uncomfortable by violating my personal space. Thankfully I've never had that happen. Most people take "No thank you", or "Sorry I'm busy/I'm trying to zone out right now please don't talk to me." and leave me alone.

That doesn't mean I'm going to punch someone if they unwantedly hit on me, but a lot of women are afraid of a man getting violent if they reject them, and I'm not afraid to kick their ass ;3

Maybe on the bus, put your head phones on and look like you're reading or focusing on something? That will turn quite a few unwanted approaches away, not all of them, but some.

[Outerspec]

Let me tell you about all the times I had to reject a woman for hitting on me.

…

[TBlend]

I used to get hit on semi-regularly. In fact, I've had some stalkers… both male and female.

...

The male ones were creepier though. =P

[Nolus]

I guess I'm lucky because outside, when I'm alone, I usually try to occupy the smallest area possible, and I kinda look like something in between a boy and a girl, so people aren't sure what I am really.

[Pochipochi]

@valiantt:

but isn't aggressiveness a bit of a positive quality trait that is ideal in a guy?

Nah. All masculine aggression comes from a place of entitlement, period. They are the wimpiest and most pathetic of men, whose advances deserve nothing more than a cattle prod to the crotch at max voltage without so much as looking in their direction to confirm if their testicles have shriveled in well-done chunks of bacon

[ShinigamiKing]

How do you wash athletic underwear? Like, the type that wicks away moisture?

What if you wear them 2-3 days in a row, with washing them in-between at night?

How do you make them dry a bit quicker?

[Nami]

About the "How to reject guys who hit on me" problem…
I don't rly get hit on often but I'm very straightforward in this. I either completly ignore the person or I just say "no interest, sry, bye". I don't know but I'm just a rly honest person and therefore always answer what I think, which makes me super arrogant but I can live with that

Btw... I usually get hit on by tall black males... 3times in one week last month! A lot of dark-skinned males actually hit on me if I reflect back... :wassat:....

[Femme]

This post is deleted!

[Demon Rin]

Thanks for all the tips guys, It really helps. I'll take a lot of that into account. Sorry, I didn't reply sooner, I just got the absolute worst news of my life so I'm still kinda dealing with that.

I don't know what to do. It feels like my life is spiraling down. Like things are completely screwed and there's no way to fix it.

I'm scared. I'm on the verge of crying right now. The slightest thing will make me snap, but I still have to be at work for 2 hours so I need to maintain as best as I can.

Basically, we just found out that the call center I work in almost closed. Apparently, it went so close to closing that they already mailed out the "This center will close in 60 days" Letters. APPARENTLY, our stats were within the top 10 of all the 35+ Call centers last month, so they've rescinded that letter and have claimed we've been saved from closure… for now.

But, basically, if the center can't turn things around by January, we may be right in the exact same situation.

The easiest analogy for this is basically, if my work were a plane, then one of the plane's engines just blew off and the plane went into a nosedive. The pilot was able to pull out of it and get the plan flying right again, but that engine is still gone, so the possibility of him losing control again is an ever-present spectre hanging over our heads...
I'm scared. Because I don't know if anyone else will hire me...

I think I'm going to cry as soon as I'm not at work anymore.

[Arei]

I have not been diagnosed by an actual psychiatrist (because I've not really been able to afford one), but my doctor is pretty sure I have a mild form of bipolar, and reading up on it myself, this sounds most likely what my problem is. I've been told that most of the people on my dad's side of the family were batshit insane, paranoid, and moody as hell and I can believe it

Though really, it does fit me pretty well. I take a combo drug with one of the drugs being something that's usually given for bi-polar and nothing has worked like this stuff has.

Even if it's a milder form, medication helps a whoooole lot. Medication and therapy/cognitive behavioral therapy help A LOT, one or the other by themselves is not enough to make the full difference, but together it does a helluva lot of good. Your friend may benefit for getting evaluated for medication of anything they do affects the quality of their life and especially their relationships. I'm sure if they're showing enough symptoms of bipolar to be diagnosed, they've probably alienated some people. Though some people aren't worth the time.

If your friend has taken a lot of antidepressants that never did anything for them or made them worse, they may benefit from looking into antipsychotics. They're kind of sedating and tranquilizing (to me, and I'm usually not affected to that degree by most other drugs) but I like being even tempered and chill, and it DOESN'T affect my personality the way some other drugs have. It just evens me out in the right places (I could stand to be less hyper and excited but that may be the ADHD side lol)

–- Update From New Post Merge ---

Though as far as bi-polar goes... I think the perception about people with any kind of bipolar is still all negative and it's something that definitely needs more awareness. Bipolar people aren't evil, and they aren't generally overly angry people by nature (I know I'm not), in fact it's really upsetting because you WANT things to roll off your back and NOT get upset about certain things, but with a hair-sized trigger, it's unavoidable. Thats why therapy AND medication are so important to getting it under control. Also being bipolar doesn't necessarily make someone violent/prone to violence. And there are some people who have it so severely they do lash out at people automatically.. It's a terrible disorder, because in the most severe cases you can really do some damage. And the system (in America anyway) isn't really designed to care for the most severe patients, because most of them do need to be in a facility and medicated constantly the rest of their lives.. It's unavoidable.

But those are the extremes and not the most common cases, I think in general it's mostly a lot of people who take literally no effort to become pissed off but they REALLY do not want to be pissed off. At all. And then some people switch from being really angry to really depressed and :X It's horrible and debilitating to some.

I think as far as the milder form goes, it's mostly mood swings that swing more to one emotional high (like anger OR depression) rather than back and forth between high and low.

[Femme]

This post is deleted!

[Outerspec]

@Demon:

Thanks for all the tips guys, It really helps. I'll take a lot of that into account. Sorry, I didn't reply sooner, I just got the absolute worst news of my life so I'm still kinda dealing with that.

I don't know what to do. It feels like my life is spiraling down. Like things are completely screwed and there's no way to fix it.

I'm scared. I'm on the verge of crying right now. The slightest thing will make me snap, but I still have to be at work for 2 hours so I need to maintain as best as I can.

Basically, we just found out that the call center I work in almost closed. Apparently, it went so close to closing that they already mailed out the "This center will close in 60 days" Letters. APPARENTLY, our stats were within the top 10 of all the 35+ Call centers last month, so they've rescinded that letter and have claimed we've been saved from closure… for now.

But, basically, if the center can't turn things around by January, we may be right in the exact same situation.

The easiest analogy for this is basically, if my work were a plane, then one of the plane's engines just blew off and the plane went into a nosedive. The pilot was able to pull out of it and get the plan flying right again, but that engine is still gone, so the possibility of him losing control again is an ever-present spectre hanging over our heads...
I'm scared. Because I don't know if anyone else will hire me...

I think I'm going to cry as soon as I'm not at work anymore.

On one hand you still have a job so that's good. On the other hand your current job might only be temporary depending on the circumstances come January. No one wants to work uncertainly balancing precariously on the thought, "Am I going to have my job in a few weeks? "

So what I suggest you do now is take the situation as bleak as it is now and turn that heads up into something you can take advantage of. Look for work elsewhere during whatever free time you can squeak out of your schedule. Look online, do interviews, find something that can hopefully fill in the possible gap coming up in your work life. You have until January which isn't a lot of time to find a new job but it isn't too little either depending on what you're going for, but start the search now. It's probably what a lot of your coworkers have already begun. If the center doesn't close down in January that's great but if you find another job by then I'd seriously consider just jumping ship. It sounds like that call center closing is just a matter of time. Eventual.

I don't say that to bum you out or anything but rather to give you a jolt in the arm. Don't wait for bad to happen to you especially when you can see it coming. I know things must be tough but I know you can pull it off. I hope everything works out for you and your coworkers.

[Nolus]

I'm feeling a sort of… constant sadness. I'm alright compared to other times, but... I'm just feeling very lonely. And these feelings seem to mock me. Remember when I wrote that I feel like a not-very-creatively-written-movie-character? I still feel that. I still can't seem to put the memories of my first love to rest. I feel lonely and kinda sad that it didn't work.
I want to be loved. I want a nice guy smile at me and wait for me somewhere. Like, if we're meeting and he's already there and when he sees me he smiles at me and hugs me.
It's kinda the same with friends. It's so thrilling when we go out and have fun somewhere. I leave my room thinking they're waiting for me and we will smile and laugh. But it's kinda different. With them, it's the lot of us. With a boyfriend it'd be just me he's waiting for. I guess I just want to be the number one for someone.

And yet, writing this, I feel like a trope. The lonely nerd girl or something. I know these feelings are mine but it pains me a little to know they sound so generic when I put them to words. To me they seem so much more complicated.

There's one more thing: there is a certain subject on which I have a very strong view. Maybe a too strong one. Point is, my friends have other opinions on it and it all makes me kinda sad that I'm alone in a regard. I can find stuff on the internet, but some of it is just... depressing (I'm starting to hate this word).

So yeah, just musings. Continuing the endless battle against myself.

[Arei]

I want to crawl in a hole and die. My headache is threatening full on migraine, I need to get off the computer but I have so much work to do…

I fucking hate group projects. I hate them, because I'm NEVER with a good group that pulls their end of the work. I'm doing almost all of the government presentation, myself. I don't wanna meet up at Hooters and waste gas and money I DON'T have to NOT work on our speech group project instead of meeting up at the campus to work on it, which closes at 11 (which 4 hours would be plenty for what we need to do)... And now I get no response when I said I will write up a script for our little sketch. Un-fucking-believable.

My anxiety is going through the roof. I'm so glad the semester is almost over but there's so much stress in these next few weeks. I'm so upset right now, I need to calm down because I don't want to have these feelings carry over into my first impression at the new job.

Hospital job still no answer, they're still deciding. Fuck it, I took the other job. I went and finished most of my computer modules for training today, I'll go back tomorrow and finish the rest and can officially start work!!! Which I need the money, immediately. I think this is gonna be a good place X_X I'm so happy I don't have to sit through an entire orientation day, I can just do all the modules and go straight to work X_X!!!

So I should be happy but with all these projects and papers due next week I seriously want to crawl in a hole and die. I can't stop working right now I've GOT to get SOMETHING finished but my headache is too much. Once food arrives I'm gonna rest in the dark and try to calm down, then clean things up so I do something that doesn't involve staring at a screen. Then maybe I will feel better.

I just want to tell my professors to fail me on the group projects, I am going to have a full blow anxiety attack because I cannot stand relying on other people. I ALWAYS get stuck with useless people AND when I think I finally have a decent group, they get mad over really insignificant things and I have a member that wants to control everything YET not really contribute. I do not get it. I do not fucking get it...

[Monkey King]

@Nolus:

I'm feeling a sort of… constant sadness. I'm alright compared to other times, but... I'm just feeling very lonely. And these feelings seem to mock me. Remember when I wrote that I feel like a not-very-creatively-written-movie-character? I still feel that. I still can't seem to put the memories of my first love to rest. I feel lonely and kinda sad that it didn't work.
I want to be loved. I want a nice guy smile at me and wait for me somewhere. Like, if we're meeting and he's already there and when he sees me he smiles at me and hugs me.
It's kinda the same with friends. It's so thrilling when we go out and have fun somewhere. I leave my room thinking they're waiting for me and we will smile and laugh. But it's kinda different. With them, it's the lot of us. With a boyfriend it'd be just me he's waiting for. I guess I just want to be the number one for someone.

And yet, writing this, I feel like a trope. The lonely nerd girl or something. I know these feelings are mine but it pains me a little to know they sound so generic when I put them to words. To me they seem so much more complicated.

There's one more thing: there is a certain subject on which I have a very strong view. Maybe a too strong one. Point is, my friends have other opinions on it and it all makes me kinda sad that I'm alone in a regard. I can find stuff on the internet, but some of it is just... depressing (I'm starting to hate this word).

So yeah, just musings. Continuing the endless battle against myself.

It's a trope that's so common because it's such a common normal part of being human. Boy, girl, whatever.
It's nothing to feel ashamed about or any such thing.

I can list off a little list of abortive relationships or mostly notevenrelationships that paraded by during college for me. About five or so. Some more positive than others, but I think some folks are like us (and Chrissie) we're very attached to the idea of a relationship. We don't look at it casually like some folks are able to, we get really dramatic about it and so even the tiniest failed pursuit HURTS.

This too is normal for some people.

[MarquesaIV]

My heart goes to you people, I wish I can help you all and make the world a better place for everyone on earth but alas I can't, at least yet. I will continue to read your words and wish for you all to experience happiness and joy. May you all be happy, safe and sound. You are all in my heart and mind.

[Mr. Zoro]

Reading some of these confessions is really getting to me and I feel for a lot of you. In part, something happened to me that goes along the lines of what's happening here for some.

My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years and I decided to take a break, and it hurts. We've been long distance for 4 years (only by a half-hour driving distance), and it got longer in the last year as she went to a different university (now a 2 hour driving distance). It was going pretty well until the last month, when she started work and a co-worker developed feelings for her and told her he has fallen in love with her. And what hurts me is that she admitted to him that she had feelings for him as well.

She feels terribly guilty about admitting feelings to another guy, and she's being really tough on herself (such as questioning herself as to why she admitted feelings to someone else, or why she has them, etc). I don't want her being tough on herself, so I reassured her that I don't hold it against her and I just want us to work through these emotions and feelings and what she wants.

So she decided she wanted a break, some time to figure this all out on her own, and as much as it pains me, and I know it's best for us at the moment.

She was a huge part of my life these last years, and we watched each other grow. This has affected me so much that I've decided to go get counseling tomorrow. But the thing that bothers me most is that she told me she just wants time to think of it all, and implied she may either end up back with me or go with the other guy… and I can't help but feel she may end up with him, since she'll be working with him every Wednesday and he'll be there for her more than I will, since he's closer in proximity to her. I want to hold on to the hope that we'll get back together, but I know that's a bad idea (went through it once before).

I just hope counseling will do wonders for me.

[Noqanky]

@Mr.:

Reading some of these confessions is really getting to me and I feel for a lot of you. In part, something happened to me that goes along the lines of what's happening here for some.

My girlfriend of 4 1/2 years and I decided to take a break, and it hurts. We've been long distance for 4 years (only by a half-hour driving distance), and it got longer in the last year as she went to a different university (now a 2 hour driving distance). It was going pretty well until the last month, when she started work and a co-worker developed feelings for her and told her he has fallen in love with her. And what hurts me is that she admitted to him that she had feelings for him as well.

She feels terribly guilty about admitting feelings to another guy, and she's being really tough on herself (such as questioning herself as to why she admitted feelings to someone else, or why she has them, etc). I don't want her being tough on herself, so I reassured her that I don't hold it against her and I just want us to work through these emotions and feelings and what she wants.

So she decided she wanted a break, some time to figure this all out on her own, and as much as it pains me, and I know it's best for us at the moment.

She was a huge part of my life these last years, and we watched each other grow. This has affected me so much that I've decided to go get counseling tomorrow. But the thing that bothers me most is that she told me she just wants time to think of it all, and implied she may either end up back with me or go with the other guy… and I can't help but feel she may end up with him, since she'll be working with him every Wednesday and he'll be there for her more than I will, since he's closer in proximity to her. I want to hold on to the hope that we'll get back together, but I know that's a bad idea (went through it once before).

I just hope counseling will do wonders for me.

Counseling seems to be a fine idea. I also recommend surrounding yourself in friends, activities and projects as best as you can, remind yourself that your life has much more in it than just her.

I'm conflicted in that I want to share my opinion but I also realize a lot of it may be biased on my own experiences. I guess I'll express it just in case it helps, but keep in mind it is definitely colored by what I have experienced myself:

! I'm not going to lie, I think the prospect is dire. If she admitted to having feelings for someone else to me that just means "going on a break" is her effort to not feel guilty about something she wants while still holding on to the safety of what she already has. To me it's like what people do when they don't have enough guts or confidence to just break things off, because they know they enjoy things about being in the relationship even if they don't actually trust their feelings towards the person.
So pretty much keeping you on a hook while her life gets figured out. I understand people change when it comes to emotions and feelings and all of that, but keeping someone who cares about you on a hook until you know for sure that you want to be with them is, to me, a bit on the disrespectful side. And like you said, the break doesn't feel like it's her taking a break from what's going on until she figures things out, it feels like it's just a break where she gets to feel like she's single while still interacting with this other guy and not with you.
Also makes me wonder, what reliability or trust will there be later in this? Will she choose you but then later on travel and make guy friends again, then she's conflicted and puts you on hold again?
! Which leads to my other confusion about how 30 minutes is long distance. I understand people get busy and junk, but a thirty minute drive is nothing. Like, literally nothing. My commute is three times as long and I do it everyday. Back in college I had to walk that long to hang out with friends each day. Heck, that's how long I walk nowadays to meet up with friends or even go to the grocery store. So why is it you consider 30 minutes long distance? Has there just been no effort in seeing each other frequently for four year?
And two hour driving distance?? Balls man, that's like the length of time I spend everyday getting back home from work. If my boyfriend was that far I wouldn't even think of it as long distance as I'd be too busy having fucking awesome weekends all the time. Work or no work that's just what you do when you want to be with someone and care about them.
So, how is it long distance? Is it really the physical distance that is the problem here, or is it the personal distance?
! But really, it all to me just boils down to why she gets to be indecisive about you and keep you waiting while still hanging out with the co-worker she has feelings for. Isn't that just wrong?
Like, doesn't everyone deserve to be with someone who's crazy about them without a shred of doubt? Instead of being "long-distanced" and "on a break" while she gets to still have her life happen?

[Mr. Zoro]

@Noqanky:

Counseling seems to be a fine idea. I also recommend surrounding yourself in friends, activities and projects as best as you can, remind yourself that your life has much more in it than just her.

Thanks for that. I've been talking with my roommate and my older sister who fortunately was in town, and it sure helps to let it out. Still, the problem remains that I have trouble focusing on what needs to be done (schoolwork, activities, etc.). And I'm sure you know it's easier said than done when you say "remember there's more to life than her", but when I was contemplating the idea of marriage… it's just even harder. Of course, asking for marriage would've been a bad idea at this point. But the thought still remains. Y'know?

what reliability or trust will there be later in this? Will she choose you but then later on travel and make guy friends again, then she's conflicted and puts you on hold again?

The trust was shaken, that's for sure, which led me to a lot of doubt and paranoia (goodness, the paranoia). For one thing, nothing physical happened and she still felt terribly guilty and told me about it all, whereas in a lot of situations like this, something isn't said until it's too late. It'll take time to re-establish that trust if we're to go back to dating.
And if we're ever to get back together, there'd definitely be long talks involved. Talks of expectations (how I'd be uncomfortable if she was hanging out with him, or how I should make time to visit more, etc.) for the relationship, talks of how we feel, and talks of how careful this decision has to be. Because I feel we can't go through something like this again with the little communication we had.

Which leads to my other confusion about how 30 minutes is long distance. I understand people get busy and junk, but a thirty minute drive is nothing. Like, literally nothing. My commute is three times as long and I do it everyday. Back in college I had to walk that long to hang out with friends each day. Heck, that's how long I walk nowadays to meet up with friends or even go to the grocery store. So why is it you consider 30 minutes long distance? Has there just been no effort in seeing each other frequently for four year?
And two hour driving distance?? Balls man, that's like the length of time I spend everyday getting back home from work. If my boyfriend was that far I wouldn't even think of it as long distance as I'd be too busy having fucking awesome weekends all the time. Work or no work that's just what you do when you want to be with someone and care about them.
So, how is it long distance? Is it really the physical distance that is the problem here, or is it the personal distance?

Yeah, I agree 30 minutes is nothing, so calling it long distance is a bit of a stretch, but we both were busy like crazy. I'm involved in a lot of things on my college campus, on top of working on studies and work in general, and she's just as involved with things in her school. Plus, I didn't have a vehicle for two of those years, and neither did she, so we mainly worked with borrowing friends' cars from time to time, but it didn't always work in our favor, schedule-wise. Especially when she became 2 hours away, having a free weekend for both of us was tough.

But really, it all to me just boils down to why she gets to be indecisive about you and keep you waiting while still hanging out with the co-worker she has feelings for. Isn't that just wrong?

Forgot to mention, it's part-time work, and she doesn't really hang out with him, they only have an hour of overlap time where they work together (they're gallery guards, so they just have some downtime to talk when no one's in the gallery). So really, at most, they have an hour a week together, and she mentioned they haven't talked about the emotional stuff for a while, so I legitimately believe she just wants a break from it all.

[Nolus]

I'm really starting to fall apart. I have difficulties staying calm and normal on a daily basis and now I've messed up even more. It's not helping that a guy I thought was my friend (he probably still thinks so) said I should just suck it up and that will help. So now I'm feeling like a brat who has a little sickness that other people can solve by themselves but I'm weak and I need a doctor for it.

I'm still trying to find a doctor. I'll contact another one of my old teachers I can trust and see if she can help. I just… want something to take. I'm not even afraid of the medication anymore, just make me calm down and make my thoughts shut up inside my head.

[MarquesaIV]

Hopefully you can find a good doctor and a bunch of understanding friends. I wish for you to pass this storm.

[Carmilla]

@Nolus:

So now I'm feeling like a brat who has a little sickness that other people can solve by themselves but I'm weak and I need a doctor for it.

Hey you aren't weak, some stuff are pretty normal.. So, well at least you aren't weaker than many many many people Just think how much better it will be to finally feel at least a bit better~

[Nolus]

! I snapped and I cut myself for the first time. It's not bleeding that much but it hurts.

[Satsuki]

@Nolus:

! I snapped and I cut myself for the first time. It's not bleeding that much but it hurts.

And has it actually made you feel better? Or does it just hurt? Because if it just hurts then there's no point.

[Outerspec]

And even if it made you feel better there's no point in hurting yourself to do it. Self-inflicted harm is the exact opposite of what you need right now, Nolus. Cutting yourself just to feel something is a fallacy and one of the more harmful ones just like "drinking to forget your problems".

It never works.

Keep doing what you were doing before. Fighting the harmful urges and seeking medical/professional attention. You were on the right track then and it wasn't too long ago, not at all. Keep reaching out for friends and platonic companionship to share your experience and feelings with. And the thing is…you don't even have to do all the reaching. We're reaching out for you here and we're listening.

I finally got my internet back so...League of Legends was it?

[MarquesaIV]

You can pass the rough times, don't hurt yourself. You are cherished and treasured.

[Cruithne]

@Nolus:

! I snapped and I cut myself for the first time. It's not bleeding that much but it hurts.

! Ice would be a better idea to use. Just hold an ice cube against your wrist or wherever you did it for awhile and you should get the same "release endorphins" without the blood, scars, and possible infections.

[Nolus]

@Satsuki:

And has it actually made you feel better? Or does it just hurt? Because if it just hurts then there's no point.

I don't feel any better. At least, not in a way that's not a little unsettling. I feel I deserve these scars and the little pain I feel whenever I put on an and off my gloves.
@Outerspec:

And even if it made you feel better there's no point in hurting yourself to do it. Self-inflicted harm is the exactopposite of what you need right now, Nolus. Cutting yourself just to feel something is a fallacy and one of the more harmful ones just like "drinking to forget your problems".

It never works.

Keep doing what you were doing before. Fighting the harmful urges and seeking medical/professional attention. You were on the right track then and it wasn't too long ago, not at all. Keep reaching out for friends and platonic companionship to share your experience and feelings with. And the thing is…you don't even have to do all the reaching. We're reaching out for you here and we're listening.

I finally got my internet back so...League of Legends was it?

I'm just starting to really lose myself. I'm not the man I want to be. I'm exactly someone I don't want to be.
In those moments, cutting my hand seemed like a good option. I needed to hurt myself in a way that I wouldn't need to get help. Suicides scares me since I searched for the most popular methods. Reading those made me feel like that's not an option anymore. I'm just too afraid what would happen if I survived.

I'm sorry, this is a bad reply, I just can't collect my thoughts properly.

[MarquesaIV]

I think someone should intervene to help you my dear.

[Prismeru]

Nolus you have to go see someone before you hurt yourself. Whoever it is you have to do it. Hurting yourself isn't gonna solve a thing. Stop being afraid of what people would think and reach out.

[Demon Rin]

@Nolus:

I'm just starting to really lose myself. I'm not the man I want to be. I'm exactly someone I don't want to be.
In those moments, cutting my hand seemed like a good option. I needed to hurt myself in a way that I wouldn't need to get help. Suicides scares me since I searched for the most popular methods. Reading those made me feel like that's not an option anymore. I'm just too afraid what would happen if I survived.

Ok, I've been exactly where you are. At the point where Suicide seems like a viable option. It's not. It can get better.

I sought out a doctor, I got diagnosed, I got prescribed medication, and it was a process, but I'm now on the tail end of it and I feel much better. I haven't wanted to kill myself in years.

You need to do the same. Find a doctor, talk to someone professional who can help. Just please, PLEASE, don't hurt yourself anymore.

[Outerspec]

@Nolus:

I'm just starting to really lose myself. I'm not the man I want to be. I'm exactly someone I don't want to be.
In those moments, cutting my hand seemed like a good option. I needed to hurt myself in a way that I wouldn't need to get help. Suicides scares me since I searched for the most popular methods. Reading those made me feel like that's not an option anymore. I'm just too afraid what would happen if I survived.

I'm sorry, this is a bad reply, I just can't collect my thoughts properly.

I'm afriad of what would happen, period.

I can't stress enough what has already been said. I know you can get through this and you'll find out you can too. With the right help and support you'll make it through.

[Satsuki]

@Nolus:

In those moments, cutting my hand seemed like a good option. I needed to hurt myself in a way that I wouldn't need to get help. Suicides scares me since I searched for the most popular methods. Reading those made me feel like that's not an option anymore. I'm just too afraid what would happen if I survived.

GOOD. It should scare you. It's something you can't come back from.

I think you've read enough from all of us just how much you need to talk to someone. Someone professional. You said you started looking for someone, and you need to keep going.

I just met with my psychiatrist (always important to keep your check-ups going), and we decided my depression wasn't lifting enough (too much sitting around doing nothing, only sitting staring at a computer or sleeping), so we upped the dosage of my prescription. That's why it's important to see someone. I thought I was doing fine, but I was worried about not getting off my ass to look for a better job, etc. Looks like I was right, but not in the way I thought (I thought it was ADHD).

So PLEASE see somebody. We are all worried about you. Please take that to heart.

[joesephes]

OK, I hope that this is the right place to post this:

Ugh, I am sooooo not looking forward to this week, especially Black Friday. Why you ask? Because I've been chosen to be a member of crowd control management for that day, which means that I'm gonna be right within the chaos, which really sucks on so many damn levels.

Anyway, I ask for you to all to wish me luck (or pray for me) since i'm going to need all the luck I can get to survive the upcoming hell.

[MarquesaIV]

@joesephes:

OK, I hope that this is the right place to post this:

Ugh, I am sooooo not looking forward to this week, especially Black Friday. Why you ask? Because I've been chosen to be a member of crowd control management for that day, which means that I'm gonna be right within the chaos, which really sucks on so many damn levels.

Anyway, I ask for you to all to wish me luck (or pray for me) since i'm going to need all the luck I can get to survive the upcoming hell.

I wish you luck and I pray for you. Be safe.

[NasZ]

@Arei:

I want to crawl in a hole and die. My headache is threatening full on migraine, I need to get off the computer but I have so much work to do…I fucking hate group projects. I hate them, because I'm NEVER with a good group that pulls their end of the work. I'm doing almost all of the government presentation, myself. I don't wanna meet up at Hooters and waste gas and money I DON'T have to NOT work on our speech group project instead of meeting up at the campus to work on it, which closes at 11 (which 4 hours would be plenty for what we need to do)... And now I get no response when I said I will write up a script for our little sketch. Un-fucking-believable.My anxiety is going through the roof. I'm so glad the semester is almost over but there's so much stress in these next few weeks. I'm so upset right now, I need to calm down because I don't want to have these feelings carry over into my first impression at the new job.Hospital job still no answer, they're still deciding. Fuck it, I took the other job. I went and finished most of my computer modules for training today, I'll go back tomorrow and finish the rest and can officially start work!!! Which I need the money, immediately. I think this is gonna be a good place X_X I'm so happy I don't have to sit through an entire orientation day, I can just do all the modules and go straight to work X_X!!!So I should be happy but with all these projects and papers due next week I seriously want to crawl in a hole and die. I can't stop working right now I've GOT to get SOMETHING finished but my headache is too much. Once food arrives I'm gonna rest in the dark and try to calm down, then clean things up so I do something that doesn't involve staring at a screen. Then maybe I will feel better.I just want to tell my professors to fail me on the group projects, I am going to have a full blow anxiety attack because I cannot stand relying on other people. I ALWAYS get stuck with useless people AND when I think I finally have a decent group, they get mad over really insignificant things and I have a member that wants to control everything YET not really contribute. I do not get it. I do not fucking get it...

we'r in the same boat man

[Prismeru]

Sigh, i've been struggling. Like, these past months, weeks, days. I hadn't been writing here cause of infractions (is that childish of me? yeah, i guess it is). It's always depresion. And sometimes it's pretty bad. While i was on a business trip weeks back i had a pretty bad episode (i guess it was funny from an outsider perspective. To not kill myself and to do it in time for a meeting. I did it! Yay for repression!). It just goes from "I don't want to live anymore", "I feel too much" to "I think i hate everybody" and "I'm so tired with my life. I can't deal with it".

And it's not just sadness, it's the emptiness that i feel inside of me and sometimes it's so hard to deal with. Sometimes i'm just in bed at night and just cry. And sometimes i don't even know why. Maybe it's sadness or Ennui that my body feels like this, that my mind feels this horrible thing that is inside me and so very very few things can alliviate.

Heh, my best friends are like this. We are all just a bunch of guys that edge on suicide so many times. My best friend had a pretty bad episode a week back. It's so hard to talk with this with someone when you are the same and sometimes worst. Although sometimes it helps. I don't know, i'm just putting random stuff. It's just so many things. Not just today but always, everyday. I fuckin envy dogs. They can just pick any laps and just put their heads in there and close their eyes. They look so peaceful when they do that. Seems so great.

I feel like i should write more but it's just so much. I don't want to bore you or subject you to how i try to analyze this horrible feeling inside of me. It's just so hard to keep on living for me somedays. Sigh. I don't know, insert joke to distract from the festering pile of sadness that is me.

[Chimay]

@Prismeru:

And it's not just sadness, it's the emptiness that i feel inside of me and sometimes it's so hard to deal with. Sometimes i'm just in bed at night and just cry. And sometimes i don't even know why. Maybe it's sadness or Ennui that my body feels like this, that my mind feels this horrible thing that is inside me and so very very few things can alliviate.

Have you tried sports ? It's the kind of pointless hobby that everyone can get better at and makes life enjoyable in itself. I didn't start because of it but lifting weights has helped me a lot when I used to feel like shit.
I was just enjoying the feelings it induced and my progress. It's like leveling up in a video game. You're happy to reach a certain level although it doesn't have any meaning.
Plus, if you plan on staying alive, it'll make your life better in almost all aspects.

[MetaMario]

@Prismeru:

I don't want to bore you or subject you to how i try to analyze this horrible feeling inside of me. It's just so hard to keep on living for me somedays. Sigh. I don't know, insert joke to distract from the festering pile of sadness that is me.

[hide]
Bore us? Nah….admittedly, sometimes I feel the same way, with stuff like Smash and Pokemon giving me that good feeling I need to tackle on the day. It's a tough feeling, although I wish I had more advice on this front. :X

You always cheer up everyone when they're feeling down, Pris. I kinda wish I was as....well, helpful as you I guess.

....apologies if this is coming out wonky[/hide]