@Nolus:
I'm really really tired and it seems I've got a constant headache.
Things have calmed down over here, I'm back on track (sorta) but I can't seem to get over the fact that… I'm possibly ill. Depression is an illness too, is it not? I feel like an outcast. Like, the whole world knows of my problem and they want to stay away. And deep inside, I want them too to keep distance.
I can't help but feel I've been this my whole life, but I don't know anymore what to think. Ever since early adolescence, I felt that I was different, that I didn't find friends as others did. Sometimes, when I talked to people, they'd give me those strange looks, like they thought I was weird. They still do that. I'm weird.
I'm afraid that I'm really sick. I'm afraid I won't be loved because of this. I'm afraid I won't be able to find love like this. Who'd want someone like me? A weird, strange, ill person, when they can get a healthy one instead? I just feel I'm not worth it.
I'm afraid to go to a psychiatrist/psychologist. That would seal me officially that I'm ill. That it'll become a defining part of me: "I like pc games, and reading, and I also have depression." I know it's hard to deal with me, because my mind is still intact, and I can clearly see how illogical I am at times and how logically my friends approach me then. But even if I do know, I can't change my feelings at these moments. Because I feel my mind's lying to me. It's like I'm torn apart. One part of me is logical, level-headed, and looks down on my other part which is the one with the bad moments. Like one Nolus is crying in the corner while the other is angrily trying to get a hold on the situation.
"But you do have friends, look, they're right here!"
"But they don't like me. I'm not worth the effort!"
"That's bullshit, stand up and stop crying!"
I'm sorry I'm sort of... living in this thread right now. It's just that it's the safest place I know nowadays.
Having depression or other mental illness doesn't make you weak or bad. A lot of people are just more susceptible to it, it can do with genetics as much as environmental influences. No one in my mom's family, that family I've been around my entire life, has issues the way I do. It really makes me feel lonely and left out. Like there is something really wrong with me.
And then an unrelated person told me once, that had more knowledge about my dad's side of the family from years back, how neurotic, angry, and depressed (and a lot of them were hypochondriacs which explains everythingggg lol) they all were and I really had no influence from any of these people, outside of my dad being an abusive asshole. This makes me buyI have not been back to a therapist or psychiatrist and I'm trying to convince myself to go but I hate looking around for one blindly, but my general doctor thinks I most likely have at least a mild form of bipolar disorder, which really does fit the bill. I'm on a medication thats a combo antidepressant and antipsychotic. Antidepressants alone never did the trick and stimulants made me super super angry I wanted to set everything on fire level of angry, but this stuff works great. I just have to be good about taking it because it makes me so tired sometimes it's difficult to get up in the morning and I will sleep through my loudass screeching alarm for hours and hours. But when it kicks in I wonder why on earth I'm so emotional and I get my rational head back.
Because my dad is a douchenozzle I have no problem badmouthing my genetics, my dad especially: nothing he does makes any logical sense to me, and that could explain a lot about my own weird mental processes. People are quick to dismiss there being a genetic link in mental issues and thinking its all situational, but science is getting more precise in that particular area.
You are not a failure Nolus, and you are NOT a bad person. You are not sick in the head nor are you worthless. Anyone who thinks someone that suffers from depression or other mental disorders is worthless, they're the pieces of trash that are a waste of air. Getting help is a sign of strength, and if you really feel that you need someone to help you on the path to getting better then you should reach out for help. And Femme hit the nail on the head about your mental health is not going to come between you and the person you're ultimately meant to be with. Yes depression and other mental disorders make it harder to connect and be personable, but the best person for you has the patience and love for you to help you overcome the hurdles and not put you down. Anyone that puts you down for your depression is not worth your time.
@Captain:
**Frustration and lack of motivation are easily making me angry for silly situations.
Everything is a reason to anger me, my mom talking, walking through the crowd in the streets, hustle with people, someone walking slowly in front of me, dropping any object, losing in a video game, dealing with jerks.**
This is pretty much me on a daily basis too. Especially my mom @_@ Nag city, but I feel bad I get mad almost every time she says something even if its not bad. I feel awful about that.
But lately everything is setting me off and I have no idea how to deal with it. School is running me ragged as well as trying to secure a good paying job.