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    Throughout this month, we will be testing new features (like search) so you may experience some hiccups from time to time. We'll try to not be too disruptive...

    TheBeach.txt.part1

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    • Sorikai33
      Sorikai33
      last edited by
      Sorikai33
      spiral
      Sorikai33
      spiral

      …
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      ...
      Protocol: Awakening enabled.
      Processing request...
      WARNING: data fragmentation detected. Possible memory leak. Continue? Y/N Y
      Continuing…
      ...
      ...
      Main systems online.
      ERROR: memoryAllocation exception. Insufficient capacity. All non-essential packages disabled.
      ERROR: brokenBarrier exception. Thread cannot access Dir Sys:
      Avenfall user0002~ Doc:
      Avenfall user0002 @Doc:~ Search
      Search function initialized…
      File: ArxAntiqua.txt
      Searching…
      ...
      ...
      File search unsuccessful. Continue? Y/N Y
      Avenfall user0002~ Usr:
      ERROR: badLocation exception. Path invalid.
      Avenfall user0002~ Doc:
      Avenfall user0002 @Doc:~ Search
      Search function initialized…
      File: TheBeach.txt
      Searching…
      ...
      ...
      File located. Path: Doc:\shared\test\TheBeach.txt
      Continue? Y/N Y
      Avenfall user0002~ Run
      Run function initialized…
      Path: Doc:\shared\test\TheBeach.txt
      Running…
      txt file extension detected. Opening document...

      [hide] “Get me outta here!” The man thought frantically, “Someone, anyone, please!”

      He banged on the glass in front of him, and tried to cry out, but the collar around his neck gave him an electrical shock and he fell to his knees in agony. He should have known better, since he had already been shocked at least twenty times before when he tried to speak. But he was desperate now. He had no idea where he was, or how long he had been there. Time was immeasurable in this place, and fading from his memory just as fast as the sound of his own voice.

      He punched the glass with all the strength his weary body could muster, but it remained firm, only producing a few bloody knuckles. “God dammit.” He thought. Looking around the room it was just as cold lifeless as it was before. The majority of the walls were covered in gray, metallic panels, except for the one in front of the man, which was a thick pane of glass. Through it, he could see a hallway, covered with the same gray panels, and with a single monitoring device, which followed him around his room with a steady gaze.

      Finishing his sweeping view of his confinement, the man fixed his eyes on the only other feature in the room. A single door, to his right, accompanied by a glowing red button affixed to the wall next to it. The man gritted his teeth, took a deep breath, and stood up. He slowly stumbled to the door and pressed the button. In response, the door gracefully glided open.
      [/hide]
      MP3 embed detected. Run file? Y/N Y

      [hide][hide]


      The smell of the ocean instantly filled the man's nostrils, and as he took his next step, he felt the fine sand between his toes. A long beach that stretched all the way to the horizon lay before him. To his left, was the ocean, slowly lapping the sand with it's gentle waves, then drawing back into itself. Above, the sun shined amongst the few clouds that peppered the rich, blue sky. To his left, the man gazed at the cliff-side that extended along the beach. He could see trees and overflowing grass near it's top. The sun was warm, the ocean calm, the breeze soft. To anyone else this place would be paradise.

      The man scowled. He hated the water, the sand, the sun. He didn't want to be there. He had already been there, and it was no different than the cold, gray room. He wanted to get out. Go home. He looked around again. “Okay, let's see…” he thought, “...The last time I was here, I tried to swim, and the current pulled me back to shore. Then I tried climbing the cliff, but it's too tall and steep. Then I tried just walking, but the beach never seems to end, so I turned back. What now?” He already knew one thing. He would not go back to the gray room. There was nothing there. He hadn't searched the entirety of this place yet. As he thought, he decided to start walking anyway, just to give him something to do. His muscles ached, and he couldn't even remember the last time he had food or water, and the ocean wouldn't help because it was salt water. But he wasn't dead yet, so obviously he still had time. If that even existed in this place.

      After walking far a while, the man saw something that he hadn't seen before. Along the shore a ways, he spotted some sort of tower sticking out of the water. “What is that?” He picked up his pace, eager to see this construct that looked so unnatural in his current setting. Upon reaching it, he took a moment to take in it's features.

      It looked like some sort of clock. The man faintly smiled, “Great, now I can at least know how long I've been in this Hell.”. His smile soon vanished though, when he saw that it was not moving. Then he inspected it further. “Wait a sec... this can't be a clock. The numbers go up to fifteen, not twelve.” The man stared, quite puzzled by the contraption. “But it has hands like a clock. I don't get it.” He decided to give the machine a closer look.

      He waded out into the water, and about thirty feet out, he reached the tower. The base was covered in gears. The man tried moving one, but it wouldn't budge. He tried harder, but still no movement. Frustrated, he banged his fist against one of the supports. It responded with a ring. “Huh?”, the man turned his attention to the cylindrical support of the tower. He flicked it with his finger, and it gave a sharp ping. “This is hollow. These are... pipes?” Now the man was even more confused. What exactly is this thing?

      Heading back to the beach, he decided to ignore the machine. It was impossible to make it operate, or even find out what it is or does. The man began to walk along the shore again, hopeful he would find something else that could help him.
      The sun continued to beat down on him, and he felt himself getting more tired with every step. The weight of his soaked clothes didn't help at all either. “I've been walking forever. If I don't find a way out soon, I don't think I'm gonna make it.” The man coughed, but couldn't even bring up any saliva. “I'm not gonna make it...” His words echoed through the corridors of his mind, and his vision blurred. The next thing he knew, he was face down in the sand, unable to hold his body up any longer. “I... can't... go... on...” He thought, as he lost consciousness.

      A shock jolted the man back into consciousness. “Holy shit...” he thought. He put his hands on his collar, and fell back into the sand. The sound of the beach around him was exactly the same as it was before. As he got to his feet, he looked around, desperately hoping to see anything at all other that the vista that had plagued him for the eternity he spent in this place. “What am I gonna do?” he thought sadly. Then he saw something in the distance. His vision was still blurred, so he couldn't make it out, but he began to walk, then run, and finally he broke into a sprint, his desire to get out overriding all other feelings he had.

      As he ran, he began to make out the object until he could see it clear enough to realize what it was. “It's another clock tower thing. Maybe this one will be working.” When he got there though, the man was dismayed to find that it was just as worn down as the first one. Then he furrowed his brow. “Hold on...” He looked at the ground, and saw the footprints in the sand., “this is the same tower I was at before.” This revelation was too much. He had been walking in circles the whole time. He man fell to his knees, tears welling in his eyes. As looked to the sky as he began to cry, “Why is this happening to me. Why God, Why?” He began to pound his hand into the sand. “Why? Why?”

      Suddenly, a small pocket of ground began to move beneath him. Startled, the man jumped backwards landing on his backside. He watched as a small crab slowly unearthed itself from the sand. The man was shocked by this. It was the first living thing in this place other than himself. It was just an ordinary crab, but the man had been away from contact with creatures for so long that it left him stunned. He marveled at the crab as it checked it's surroundings and began skittering across the beach.

      The man quickly got up and followed the crab, and it stopped, turning to look at him. Kneeling down, he went to touch it, just to make sure it was really there, and not some hallucination. When his fingers were just a few inches from the crab, it promptly clamped down on them with it's pincer. Pain shot through the man's hand, and he stood up, flailing about in an attempt to get the crab off of him. With as much force as possible, the man whipped his arm around and the crab flew off, sailing toward the ocean. He watched as in plopped into the water with a splash.

      The man cradled his hand with the other, wishing he had a way to dull the pain. Then he heard a noise. It was a low rumbling, but it was getting louder. Looking for the source, he soon realized it was under the water. Suddenly, the gears on the tower began to turn with a creak, and steam began to shoot out of the pipes. The sound was so loud that it hurt the man's ears, and he covered them. He watched as the hand on the face of the tower shifted clockwise, from the top at fifteen, to one. The number then began to glow a dim green color. The man had no idea what had happened, but his heart and mind raced. “What made the tower move? Was it something I did? Was it the crab?” He looked around, then started walking back out to the tower. But he stopped when he stepped on something.

      Looking down, he saw another crab coming out of the sand. He started to bend over, then caught himself. “I'm not touching one again.” Instead, he decided he would kick the crab. He got ready, watching carefully as the creature wandered over the land in front of him. As he went to kick it though, it jumped out of the way of his foot. The man, surprised, tried to yell at it, but got got electricity instead. “Dammit,” he yelled in his head as he fell over in pain. “come back here.” He glared at the crab, who was now traveling much faster toward the water. The man watched as the crab stopped and looked at him. A wave, coming from behind, then struck the crab and washed him away.

      The tower began to groan again, and the sound pierced through the mans ears. He covered them again as he tried to get back to his feet. When he got up, he looked back at the tower. The hand had moved to two, which was now glowing like the first. The man's gaze drifted to the beach that stretched out in both directions from him. Then he let out a small sigh. “Crab hunting. Great.”
      [/hide]
      ERROR: dataCorruption exception. File incomplete. Begin repair? Y/N Y
      Estimated time to completion: Unknown. Repairing…
      Avenfall user0002~ Hibernate
      WARNING: Memory reduction imminent. Possible data loss. Continue? Y/N Y
      Hibernating…

      Steam Profile: Sorikai33 | 3DS Friend Code: 2981 6418 0894

      ^Feel free to add me on either^

      Sig art by Stjepan Sejic

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      • ChesCa
        ChesCa
        last edited by
        ChesCa
        spiral
        ChesCa
        spiral

        This is more like a prologue to a story than the main tale but one thing I love about this kind of setting is the mystery behind it. My biggest suggestion is to not rely on making things mysterious for too long though. I'd say within the next couple of chapters give him a goal that the audience can look forward to. It doesn't even have to be the end goal, just something for the story to focus on.

        There are some nitpicks though:

        [hide]
        Somehow I have a hard time it took him twenty times to realize he'd been shocked. Either he's a slow learner or this is over the course of a long period of time, in which case he would likely lose count. Perhaps take out the number and just say something like 'he'd been shocked quite a bit before he realized talking was prohibited' or something.

        I'd like a description of the monitoring device. Is it a camera? A futuristic floating orb? This place obviously is pretty advanced so might as well make a recording device that fits into it.

        Some of his thoughts don't seem natural and are being substituted for narration. Maybe they're not technically wrong but it feels like he's narrating to himself rather than talking to himself.

        Here's an example:

        He wanted to get out. Go home. He looked around again. “Okay, let's see…” he thought, “...The last time I was here, I tried to swim, and the current pulled me back to shore. Then I tried climbing the cliff, but it's too tall and steep. Then I tried just walking, but the beach never seems to end, so I turned back. What now?

        Here's what sounds more natural (to me, and once again using my own narrative voice):

        He wanted to get out. Go home. He looked around again and ticked off what he had done here already. He tried swimming but the current always brought him back so that was out, the cliff proved too tall and steep to climb and the beach seemed endless, making walking pointless. What's there left to do?

        In my experience, thinking usually happens without a voice and is more of a recollection of old images, sounds, experiences, etc. If he talked to himself it would make more sense the previous way but as we know he can't do that without getting shocked.

        That said I do admit this might be only my experience and maybe you found books where the original style works as well, in which case I'd be interested in seeing examples (if you can and you don't have to if you don't feel like it.) Just seems less 'tidy' to me though.

        I think reactions like 'God dammit' and 'whoa' are okay though. Those are straight up internalized vocals instead of extended thinking. See how much you can change and if you're happy with it or not in other expository thinking strings.

        Finally there's this part where he's shocked awake and it says 'A shock jolted the man back into consciousness. “Holy shit…” he thought. He put his hands on his collar, and fell back into the sand.'
        When did he get up? Might want to add something like 'he got on his knees/stood up/whatever' and THEN he fell back down.[/hide]

        I want to see more from you. 🙂 You've got an interesting start that just needs some fine tuning.

        1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • Sorikai33
          Sorikai33
          last edited by
          Sorikai33
          spiral
          Sorikai33
          spiral

          Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it.

          I should probably give the thread a proper introduction, since I decided to make the thread title and the first post cryptic computer talk. I am taking a Creative Writing course in school this semester, and this is my thread where I will post some of the work I create. It will be various short stories and poetry, and The Beach is an expansion of our first assignment, which I decided to run with on my own. As such, this thread will probably be updated regularly with various stuff. Just don't be surprised if the next thing I post has nothing to do with the ones before it or after it. I assure you The Beach will continue though (as well as Arx Antiqua), so look forward to that.

          Avenfall Sorikai~ Logout
          Logging out…

          Steam Profile: Sorikai33 | 3DS Friend Code: 2981 6418 0894

          ^Feel free to add me on either^

          Sig art by Stjepan Sejic

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          • Sorikai33
            Sorikai33
            last edited by
            Sorikai33
            spiral
            Sorikai33
            spiral

            Resuming…
            Avenfall user0002~ Diagnostic
            File: TheBeach.txt
            Running diagnostics…
            ...
            ...
            File incomplete. Repair currently in progress. Terminate process? Y/N N
            Avenfall user0002~ Run
            Run function initialized…
            Path: Prg:\default\main\clock.exe
            Running…
            ERROR: memoryAllocation exception. Insufficient capacity. Continue? Y/N Y
            Avenfall user0002~
            New drive detected. Installing drivers…
            Installation complete.
            Avenfall user0002~ Run
            Run function initialized…
            Path: zzz:\clock.exe
            Running…
            Adjusting settings...
            ...
            ...
            Current Time: 8:16:06 9/17/12
            Avenfall user0002~ Search
            Search function initialized…
            Enabled clock function detected. Set time parameters? Y/N Y
            Start: 10:04:00 9/10/12
            End:
            Searching…
            1 new file detected.
            Path: Doc:\shared\J2\NorthernPassage.txt
            Continue? Y/N Y
            Avenfall user0002~ Run
            Run function initialized…
            Path: Doc:\shared\J2\NorthernPassage.txt
            Running…
            txt file extension detected. Opening document...

            [hide] “I want to go back.”

            Lavi pretended not to hear, and instead raised her bow, keeping it trained directly in front of her. But the truth was, she couldn't see even five feet in this blizzard.

            “Lavi, did you hear me? I want to go back.”

            “Aron, for the last time, we can't go back. We promised the High Monarch we would deliver his message to Valencroft.” Lavi said as she turned.

            The boy standing in front of her just stared into her eyes, and Lavi felt the worry within them. This storm had come so suddenly, and they found themselves unprepared for just how treacherous the trek through the Northern Passage would be. Lavi could already see the beginnings of frostbite forming on Aron's nose and chin. She put on a grave face, in an attempt to conceal her own worry.

            “For Deus sake Aron, wear your hood lower.”

            She grabbed the top of his leather coat and pulled it down, obscuring his eyes from hers. Then she turned around again.

            “Let's get moving.”

            As they walked, Lavi kept her bow up and steady, or as steady as she could while dealing with the intermittent gusts. Her eyes periodically scanned the ground for tracks. But she knew she wouldn't see anything. A storm this powerful would bow over any footprints almost instantly. Looking back, she couldn't even see any tracks left by her or Aron.

            “I'm getting tired.” Aron yawned.

            “I know, I know. Let's just keep going a little further.”

            After a short distance more, they passed under a small cluster of tall pine trees. As they neared the center of the group, Lavi saw that the low hanging branched provided a fair shield from the snow and winds, and she stopped, breathing a low sigh.

            “We can't rest too long, but we can here for a little while if you want.”

            Aron walked over to a tree trunk and sat down against it. He looked at the blizzard around them, then at Lavi.

            “How much further to Valencroft?”

            “I don't know,” Lavi replied, “It's been a few days since we left. We probably would have been there by now if the conditions were better. The Northern Passage is know for erratic weather, so hopefully this storm will subside soon.”

            Lavi set down her bow, and pulled a blanket out of her satchel. She walked over to Aron and handed it to him.

            “Don't you want this?” He asked.
            “I'll be fine.” She replied.

            Looking up, Lavi watched the trees sway gently, remaining mostly stiff against the howling winds around them. She walked over to the tree opposite Aron and sat down herself. She knew sleeping would be next to impossible for her, so she decided to lay her quiver in her lap and inspect each of her arrows. At least it was something to pass the time. She pulled out her pocket knife and began to sharpen the head on one of them.

            “Lavi?”

            She looked up. “Yes Aron?”

            “When we get to Valencroft, will you let me try their famous mead?”

            Lavi smiled. “You're not old enough to drink mead.”

            Aron smiled back at her. “I know, but I want to celebrate our victorious expedition on behalf of the High Monarch.”

            “Don't celebrate just yet.” Lavi said sternly, “We still have a ways to go.”

            “Alright. I'm gonna get some sleep while I can.”

            Aron rolled over, pulling the blanket up over his head. Lavi watched him, and smiled again. This journey was very difficult, especially for someone Aron's age, but he was handling quite well, all things considered. Lavi stared at the swirling snow around the trees again. The whole predicament was a little frightening, even for her. And she had traversed the Northern Passage before. But this time she had another life to care for, and that added an entirely new level of complexity to the situation. That and nature wasn't being very kind.

            Lavi returned to her arrows, smoothing out any inconsistencies in the shaft and sharpening each head. After about an hour, she finished, and placed them all back in her quiver. Setting it next to her, she looked outside the trees once again. The storm had not let up at all. They probably needed to get moving again, but Lavi was feeling the fatigue finally catch up to her. She decided to doze for a bit herself.

            Lavi's eyes shot open as she felt a low rumbling pass through the ground beneath her. She looked around quickly, then over at Aron. He was curled up in a ball, still asleep. Lavi holstered her quiver and took her bow in her hands, then slowly began to exit the trees. She felt another rumble as she exited into the swirling blizzard. She couldn't see anything, and after looking around for a short while, turned back toward the trees.

            “Well, what do we have here?”

            Lavi froze, eyes wide. After a brief moment of hesitation, she spun around, bow at the ready. Standing in front of her was a monstrous creature, standing at least eight feet tall and covered in matted brown hair. It stared at Lavi, an almost quizzical look on it's face.

            Lavi began stammering. “You're a, a-”

            “Why, I'm a yeti, of course.” The creature replied. “And you're a human. Quite a rare sight in these parts. Traveling the Northern Passage alone, are you?”

            Lavi's mind jumped to Aron, who was still under the trees. Then she formulated her next words.

            “Yes,” She replied. “It's just me.”

            “Very peculiar.” The yeti said, stroking it's beard with it's large, rough hands. “And for what reason would you make such a perilous journey?”

            “I have a very important message from the High Monarch of Kaltha. It is to be delivered to Valencroft as soon as possible.”

            “Interesting.” The yeti mused.

            Lavi was starting to get annoyed. “Yes, well, seeing that I have urgent business to attend to, I must be on my way-”

            “I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid that isn't possible.” The yeti began walking toward her. “You see, I cannot simply forgive your intrusion into my territory, now can I?”

            Lavi began backpedaling away from the yeti, bow still fixed on it's center.

            “You have made a grave mistake, and for that I must show you the error with your ways.”

            The yeti raised it's great fist, readying a strike, but suddenly stopped. Lavi also stopped, staring in confusion at the beast. It appeared to be gazing off into the white expanse of the blizzard.

            “…hmmm, interesting...”

            Lavi briefly shot a glance in the direction the yeti was looking, then looked again when she saw him.

            Aron, mouth agape with shock and fear, was standing just outside the trees, staring at the monstrous yeti.

            “Aron! Run away!” Lavi shouted

            She turned just in time to see the large fist of the yeti impact her chest. Then tumbling end over end through the snow, losing both her bow and her quiver. When Lavi finally came to a stop, she immediately tried to get back up, but all she could muster was a wheeze of pain. All the breath had been knocked out of her, and her ribs were probably broken too. After a few long seconds, she scrambled around on the ground looking for her equipment, and soon found her bow and an arrow. She managed to get to a knee, her vision still greatly blurred by the blow. Desperately she tried to focus.

            What Lavi saw next horrified her.

            The yeti had walked over to Aron, who was still too stunned to move. When the craeture was almost on top of him, he turned to run, but the yeti raised his hand once again, and with a mighty roar, landed a thunderous backhand to the back of Aron's head. The boy went flying, crashing into the side of a pine tree and landing a few feet away. The sound echoed through the Passage.

            “NO!” Lavi screamed.

            She starred in horror at Aron's slumped body, the snow around him turning red. Panic set in, as she quickly looked back to the yeti. Pulling the bow string back, she aimed as best she could. But as she let the arrow fly, a gust swept through, blowing the arrow off course. It gently grazed the yeti's backside.

            The yeti stopped looking at Aron, turning it's attention back to Lavi. It lumbered toward her as she lunged for another arrow.

            “I hope you understand now why my kind are best not dealt with.”

            It stood over her, raising it's fist to bring down another blow. Lavi rolled onto her back, pulling the arrow back as far as she could. As the yeti's fist came down, she let the arrow go.

            The yeti let out a agonizing roar as the arrow pierced one of it's eyes. It stumbled backwards, one of it's hands covering it's face. Lavi took advantage of the situation, getting to her feet and running for her quiver, which had rolled a distance away. When she got there, she grabbed another arrow, and flung around, ready to launch another attack. The yeti dislodged the arrow with a sickening squirt, blood pouring from it's socket. It glared at Lavi with a powerful gaze of anger.

            “That was not a wise course of-”

            The yeti's words cut out as an arrow plunged into it's other eye, causing it to cry out in pain. With the yeti completely blind now, Lavi dropped her bow and started sprinting toward Aron's body. All other thoughts fleeted, as Aron became the point of singularity in her mind.

            When she got there, she found him still face down in the snow. She could already see the huge wound where the yeti hit him in the head. She flipped him over, and was terrified to see he had many other gashes and scrapes across his arm and chest from his impact with the tree. She put here ear to his chest. He was still breathing. He was still alive.

            Suddenly another sound pierced Lavi's ears.

            “Don't think I can't still sense you!” The yeti let out with roar.

            Lavi looked up and saw the yeti still moving toward them, despite it's loss of eyesight. Standing up, she unsheathed her short sword. She moved swiftly toward the yeti, who, sensing her presence, swung it's arm wildly. Lavi ducked under the swing, pulled back her sword to strike, and buried it into the yeti's chest. The yeti's cry rung in Lavi's ears as she pushed the blade all the way to the hilt. She had pierced the heart.

            The yeti fell to it's knees, gurgling blood from it's mouth. It was know at eye level with Lavi. She looked away in disgust, then pulled out here sword. The yeti continued to fall forward, landing in the snow with a thud. Lavi gave the monster one more brief glance, than ran back to Aron.

            “Aron. Aron, can you hear me? Please, you have to wake up.”

            Aron slowly opened his eyes.

            “L- Lavi?”

            Lavi held Aron up in her arms, slightly relieved to see him at least talking.

            “Aron, I'm gonna get you to Valencroft. I don't have the ability to heal your wounds here, but they will be able to. And then I'll take you to a tavern and you can try their famous mead, okay? I promise you, you're gonna be alright.”

            “Lavi, I- I have some...thing for you...”

            Aron reached into his torn leather coat, and pulled out a note. It was stained with his blood. Lavi's eyes widened when she realized what it was.

            “No, Aron! You are going to deliver that to the Lord of Valencroft on behalf of the High Monarch. You promised him you would. That message was entrusted to you and-”

            “No Lavi... it was en-” Aron coughed up a mouthful of blood. “It was entrusted to us. Both of us. You have to take it. Go on without me.”

            “Aron...” Tears began streaming down Lavi's face, the cold, stinging wind freezing them into crystals on her cheeks. “Aron, please, let me take you.”

            “Lavi, it's okay, don't cry. Th- This was a fun adventure. And besides, I'm too young to drink mead.”

            Aron chuckled, and Lavi couldn't help but give a smile too. She watched as Aron looked out at the streaming blizzard around them.

            “Lavi. Thank you.”

            Lavi tried to choke back her tears as she watched Aron close his eyes, but she couldn't. She sat there for what felt like forever, weeping over her lost partner.

            An hour or so later, Lavi had finished gathering her lost arrows. She refilled her quiver, then picked up her bow. Slowly and solemnly, she walked to the cluster of tree's where she had watched Aron sleep. They were now the location where he would sleep eternally. She stared at the grave for a moment, paying final respects, then turned, looking into the maw of the Northern Passage. Then Lavi set out once again.
            [/hide]
            /Endfile
            Avenfall user0002~ Copy
            Source: Doc:\records\Datalog.txt
            Output: zzz:\DatalogCopy.txt
            Copying…
            ...
            ...
            Copy complete. Continue? Y/N Y
            Avenfall user0002~ Hibernate
            WARNING: Memory reduction imminent. Possible data loss. Continue? Y/N Y
            Hibernating…

            Steam Profile: Sorikai33 | 3DS Friend Code: 2981 6418 0894

            ^Feel free to add me on either^

            Sig art by Stjepan Sejic

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            • ChesCa
              ChesCa
              last edited by
              ChesCa
              spiral
              ChesCa
              spiral

              I like that you're putting your stories up for review. It's a smart way of getting others to help with your homework. XD

              About this story:

              Pros: You have a much better voice in some parts and the dialogue is pretty good. It's also a nice Prologue piece to whatever you're doing.

              Could Use Work: I think the story might be kind of listing off what's happening instead of describing them. I can't really tell you how to change that since it's something you'll know to do anyway later on as you develop. Also some spelling errors.

              The Yeti is a little weird. First off it says 'interesting' a few too many times. It kind of gets redundant. Second I get that you're trying to make him intelligent but also savage but the way he behaves doesn't match the way he talks. I imagine he would either be too animalistic to be negotiated with (but he can still talk) or he could threaten them first but attack when Lavi doesn't cooperate. And once she hits that arrow in his eye he shouldn't really be talking at all. I'd be too pissed to talk anymore personally.

              Right now he just comes across as either a wild animal pretending to be a gentlemen or a gentlemen that's way too polite for his own good once things go bad. 😕

              The ending…isn't bad but the tone is. No offense but I didn't really care about Aron's death because I never got a chance to know him. It was kind of overdramatic and that made it look like you killed him off for the sake of drama.
              I think something more appropriate would be to have it be more quiet and unremarkable. That would still feel like Lavi experienced a major loss in her life but without the seeming emotional manipulation. It would also add more atmosphere to it.

              And finally I would recommend rearranging this piece of dialogue:
              [hide]
              _“How much further to Valencroft?”

              “I don't know,” Lavi replied, “It's been a few days since we left. We probably would have been there by now if the conditions were better. The Northern Passage is know for erratic weather, so hopefully this storm will subside soon._

              Make it so that Aron mentions it's been a few days because coming from Lavi she's saying something they both know, while from Aron it's more natural complaining or questioning.

              Example:
              Aron: How much further to Valencroft? It's been ____ days already.

              A slightly better way to get the time passage across. Of course then you alter Lavi's part accordingly:
              Example: Lavi: 'We'd be there by now if this weather wasn't always so erratic' or 'Patience. You knew the Northern Passage was always treacherous' or 'Hopefully sooner if this storm ever subsides.' Something like that.

              [/hide]

              Once again I'm reviewing on the fly so let me know if you have any questions or concerns with my comments. 🙂

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              • Sorikai33
                Sorikai33
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                Sorikai33
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                Thank you again for the feedback. 🙂

                The sections that you recommended changes to are, unsurprisingly, the ones I had some difficulty writing. I really like the yeti, but I guess I couldn't find the right way to transition from an intelligent conversation to a brutal fight. I still need to tinker with it a bit.

                The ending was similar. I kinda knew as I was typing it that it wouldn't have much impact since the characters weren't fleshed out. I think by laying on the drama, I was overreaching beyond the scope of what's supposed to be a simple short story. I have given it some thought and have a few ideas for rewriting the ending.

                So I have some work to do. I'll update the thread when I've made changes, and I'll probably have some other stuff to post too.

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