In a land far, far to the east, the great kingdom of Hongkongia existed. In this land, there was peace, harmony, equality, and Hugh Laurie posters as far as the eye can see. This was all thanks to Hongkongia's benevolent ruler, Princess Trappe Dolphine. On the terrace of Castle Llama, this story began, where Princess Trappe and her trusted advisors, Chancellor Bart and Chancellor Mette, sat innocently drinking early afternoon tea.
"This tea is most exquisite, Chancellor Mette," Trappe curtsied her extended pinkie in gratitude.
"It is Blackadder Leaf, Your Majesty," Mette grinned like a champion, causing Bart to roll his eyes.
"I would have given you Icelandic Blend," Bart sighed in defeat. One of these days… he thought to himself. He would have his vengeance against that boastful Mette. One of these days…
Then, all of a sudden, a rustling in the trees caused Trappe to rise to her feet.
"Who goes there?" Trappe shouted out sternly.
"Ah! I've been discovered!" A strange man emerged from the trees. "To think that I, Stalkerosolo, could be seen by mortal eyes!"
"He totally fell for it," Bart scowled.
"Yeah," Mette agreed.
"Never agree with me!" Bart's temper welled up.
"Who are you?" Trappe stepped forward. "What do you want?"
"You, my dear!" Stalkersolo laughed. "What else would I want?"
"Blackadder tea!" Mette exclaimed.
"Who would want that?" Bart growled.
"Me?" Trappe gasped in surprise. "To think this day was already here… Mette, Bart... Send out the durians!"
"Not so fast!" Stalkersolo grumbled. "I'm not going to leave here without even a nibble of those wonderful mystical fruits of yours!"
"That sounds pervy," Trappe scolded the villain. "I don't like pervs." She drew a sword of rainbows from its hilt. "I'm not to be taken lightly, you know."
"You intend to fight me?" Stalkersolo cackled sinisterly. "Suit yourself."
"Never mind," Trappe fell to the ground and flailed halfheartedly. "Too lazy."
"That's it?" Stalkersolo scowled. "You're giving up already?"
"It's time for midafternoon tea," Trappe moaned. "I can't fight with a parched throat."
"Well now you're my prisoner!" Stalkersolo laughed as he shackled up the defenseless princess. "Your reign is over and mine begins with the DURIANS in my possession!"
At that very moment, a rainbow burst from the castle as the six Durians of Legend flew into the sky, away from harm's way and to the heroes of destiny.
"No, you nincompoop!" Bart's shrill voice echoed through the terrace. "You didn't put the right address!"
"Don't yell at me!" Mette protested. "You didn't even put the right zip code!"
"The world is doomed!" they cried in unison.
"No matter," Stalkersolo grinned as his flying vehicle appeared. "I will follow the rainbow to my pot of gold!"
"Weeeeeeeeaaaaaaak," Trappe flailed in the backseat. "You're terrible."
"Quiet you!" Stalkersolo put on his seat belt. "We're going for a ride."
"Don't you at least have Fringe episodes I can watch?" Trappe grimaced at the blank television screen in the front seat.
"The only show you can watch here is Community!" he shouted turning on the television.
"Well that's not so bad." Trappe shrugged.
"Season 4," he smiled an evil grin.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooo!"
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, in the city of Los Arlonges… the Durians of legend wound up in the most unlikeliest of hands.
"I've brought Chinese takeout!" Gypsy Lee Cartridge shouted as she burst through the door of the tiny apartment she and her roommates barely managed to afford.
"What the fuck is this shit?" Kenny Uncleton groaned as Gypsy and her best friend, Nami Sabserkraften, distributed the spiked delicacies.
"This is what passes for takeout these days?" Dry Mylennon rolled his eyes. "Such a pity."
"Reminds me of the college nights when we used to order questionable food," Kit Soonielsen laughed, poking the fruit with a fork.
"I'm game for trying it," Jay DeArpeegio beamed, taking a bite of his or her fruit before spitting it out. "It tastes like shit!"
Just then, they all noticed the pungent odor that filled the room. "Goddammit, Jay, what did you EAT?" they shouted in unison.
"I can't breathe!" Nami fell to the ground. "I… I'm dying... Ack...!"
A brilliant light filled the room, shattering all the windows in the process as the durians levitated and were absorbed by the confused roomies.
"I'm not paying for that," Kenny scowled as the dust settled.
"What just happened?" Gypsy tended to her singed hair as Nami got back to her feet.
"Some sort of cheap parlor trick," Dry sighed. "And now we owe Landlady Vanessa even more rent.
"Guys..." Kit coughed. "I feel... strange..."
"That's because you're a fox," Nami blinked as the group looked in astonishment.
"What?" Kit looked down and noticed that he was now an anthropomorphic fox person. "Is this a drug drip? This is definitely a drug trip."
"You're a real furry now!" Kenny teased as he burned Kit's old fox costume, before catching himself on fire. "What the heck!? I'm supposed to be flame resistant!"
"Let me help you with that," Nami shouted, spitting a stream of water on the burning man before falling to the floor, from lack of legs. "What the fuck, I'm a mermaid?"
"And Kenny's made of wood!" Gypsy squealed as Kenny tried to untangle his new strings.
"I'm a rose!" Jay gushed in excitement. "A lady rose! Best day ever!"
"Speak for yourself," Dry ruffled his new rainbow feathers. "Worst day ever."
"Damn, I look good!" Gypsy puffed her new lemony afro.
The six transformed teens looked at each other in shock and confusion, unsure of what just happened.
"I can never cook again!" Kenny bemoaned loudly.
"I can never fuck again!" Nami flapped around her fins.
"I think you're all overreacting," Kit purred as he pet himself.
And thus, in that moment...
"Death by Foxy!" Kit shouted.
"Ultra Parroy!" Dry shouted.
"Rose Garden!" Jay shouted.
"Iron Ventriloquist!" Kenny shouted.
"Avalanche!" Nami shouted.
"Narcissista-G!" Gypsy shouted.
"Hodor!" said Hodor.
D.U.R.I.A.N. was born!
Episode 1: Some Assembly Required
"Wait, what did that accomplish?" Ultra Parrot scowled. "Did we just shout random things?"
"Don't question it, bro," Ventie put his hand on Parrot's… uh... do parrots have shoulders?
"Are none of you weirded out by this?" Parrot sighed.
"It's just a drug trip, honey bee," G giggled. "It'll wear off eventually."
Seven days later…
"I hate you all," Parrot, still Parrot, groaned.
"So now that we've been standing her for a whole week, what do we do now?" Rose questioned.
"Good news!" Avalanche managed to flop onto the couch. "I've been fired! Isn't that great?" She then proceeded to sob heavily.
"I've got splinters on things that shouldn't splinter!" Ventie whined.
"I just gave birth to a dozen saplings," Rose sighed as sprouts emerged from the ground. "But I'm okay with this."
"Everybody calm down!" Parrot yelled, silencing the room, except Nami's sobs. "Or maybe just Nami, I guess."
"It's Avalanche now," the mermaid sobbed hysterically. "Avalanche the FISH LADY!"
"Damn, I look good!" G exclaimed.
"Pull yourselves together," Parrot facewinged. "And stop petting yourself, Kit!"
"Never!" Foxy scratched his back against the wall in pleasure.
"Let's put our heads together and figure something out," Parrot offered. "We still have our wits about us, yes?"
Foxy then got to his feetpaws. "Did anyweirdo else hear that?"
A flying vehicle then smashed into the living room with a loud crash, freightening most of the group.
"Hear what?" G asked.
"Good evening, gentlemen!" Stalkersolo emerged from the cockpit with a frightening grin. "You must be the Heroes of Destiny."
"Nope," Rose shook her head. "They're four floors down. Frontman's a swell guy, but the drummer? Yeeesh." "Oh? Musicians, you say?" Stalkersolo stepped down. "What genre do they play?"
"Punk, I think," Foxy replied.
"WHAT VILE CREATURES!!!!!!!" Stalkersolo then set the apartment on fire with his rage.
"I'm not paying for that," Ventie shook his head.
"It is truly you!" Princess Trappe popped her head from the vehicle. "You have been changed forever be the POWER OF THE DURIAN! You are now Team DEAN– Dammit, I mean Team DURIAN! Your duty is to protect ME and the Kingdom of Hongkongia and watch House reruns with me!"
"Wait, did you just pronounced 'changed' with a hard g?" Parrot scowled.
"Never mind that!" Rose shouted, taking a defensive stance against the spreading flames. "The whole city's on fire!" Sonic added.
Foxy grinned in embarassment as everyone turned their attention to the TV, where Foxy had been playing Sonic 2006 LIKE IT WAS GOOD OR SOMETHING. >_>
"Avalanche, Watergun Attack!" G commanded in her Ash Ketchum voice.
"I'm too busy moping!" Avalanche said between sobs, but her tears flooded the room, extinguishing the flames.
"Well that works too," Parrot shrugged.
"Guys, I smell something weird," the wet Death by Foxy whimpered. "I, uh, I really hope it's not me or something."
"Nooooooo!" Stalkersolo seethed. "You extinguished my flames! How dare you!"
"Let's send this jive turkey packing!" G struck a pose.
"Let's go guys!" Ventie grabbed a frying pan from the kitchen. "Let's hit him with a combo attack!"
"Aye!" Parrot nodded as the four non-Avalanche and non-Narcissista members leapt into action.
"Vine Whip!" Rose shouted, brandishing a whip.
"Frying Pan Attack!" Ventie shrieked as the pan increased in size.
"Feather Bomb!" Parrot cried, spreading his wings.
"Mozilla Firefox!" Foxy said with determination as he clicked the Firefox icon on Stalkersolo's computer.
"Noooo!" the villain cried in desperation as the attacks struck him and his vehicle. "You should only use CHRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!"
The villain and his vehicle then shuttled through the air past the horizon into the distant night sky.
"Dammit, you sent me flying too!" Trappe's voice then filled the air like rolling thunder after a lightning flash. "Shouldn't we rescue her?" Parrot suggested.
"Rescue who?" G shouted.
And so, the six unlikely heroes returned to their human states, permanently changed by their new powers, destined to defend Los Arlonges against the evils that threaten to consume it. And evil would threaten to consume it indeed.
In an evil lair not far away…
"So, Team DURIAN has made its appearance…" an evil voice cackled. "That fool betrayed me… I will never forgive him! Never! Or my name's not Hans von ChesCa!"
END