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    The Rise of the Kidd

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    • Insider2000
      Insider2000
      last edited by
      Insider2000
      spiral
      Insider2000
      spiral

      Before you ask, no, 'Kidd' is not a typo. That will be explained later.

      I'm saving this beginning post for general info on characters, settings, important dates, and connections. I'll update it a bit later, but for now, this post will remain as a place holder for Act 1 Part 1.

      Act 1 Part 1
      [hide]The reflection in the mirror smiles awkwardly. "Alright, Alice. What are we missing?" She stares deeply into the mirror. Her pale cheeks rosy with blush. Black eyeliner highlighting her bright green eyes. Pink lips giving a concerned grin. She leans back in her chair. "Guess it's time for the old rubies." She opens her music box.
      A small ice skater spins beautifully. A small, gentle version of 'Super Trooper' by ABBA plays from the box. A gift she received from her mother when she was six years old. Her mother has always been a child of the seventies. Still is. Alice quietly sings the words as she reaches into the box.

      "Super trouper, beams are gonna blind me." She slowly pulls out two sharp, ruby earrings, and happily attaches them both. "But I won't feel blue~… Like I always do. Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you." The sound of a car's engine passes by makes her jump. She closes the music box and reaches for her cell phone.

      7:45 P.M. October 15th, 2009

      "That might be them. Crap. I'm not ready." She stands up and faces the mirror. She's wearing a long sleeved, red shirt with fishnet sleeves and a long pair of black jeans. "Okay...what am I missing?" She looks down. She laughs as she wiggles her toes. "Right."


      "Throwing a pipebomb!" Roger's game beeps as his stare absorbs the screen.

      Alice walks in. "Still playing Left4Dead?"

      Roger quietly nods. He points to a XBox 360 controller next to the TV.

      "I'd love to, but I'm going out." Alice stands beside her little brother, waiting for him to respond.

      His focus on his game completely blocks her from existence.

      "If you don't pause that god damn game, I'm unplugging it!"

      Roger jumps off his chair and hits the pause button. "Sorry."

      "Listen. You owe me for the science project I practically did for you at the last minute."

      "What!?! No! I'm not doing your chores!"

      "I need you to vouch for me today. I'm going to Genesis today."

      "So what?"

      "Dad can't know!"

      Roger scratches his head. "Why would Dad care? You've gone there plenty of times!"

      "Three girls apparently went missing this past week. Dad's not exactly comfortable about any of us being out, nowadays."

      "Is that why he won't let me go to Kevin's house?"

      "Exactly. Listen, just don't tell Mom or Dad where I've gone. If they ask, I forgot my jacket at work, and I left to go pick it up. Got it?"

      "Yeah. Sure."

      Alice points out her pale pinky toward Roger. "Pinky promise!"

      His dark skinned hand reached towards her's. "Pinky promise." The wrap their pinkies and nod.

      "Okay. Go to bed. You have school tomorrow."

      Roger nods. "I will." Alice ties her boots and marches right out of the room. Roger looks down the hall and watches her sister leave. "You get to go out to a club and dance all night, and you tell me to go to bed? Like hell…"


      Alice quietly grabs her purse. She can see the sight of Fox's car just outside the window. She quickly grabs her keys and creeps through the dark room living room. The front door is just in arms reach.

      "OH! HEY ALICE!"

      "Oh my god! MOM!" Alice jumps. Her mother, Susan, is sitting down on the couch. "Why are you sitting in the dark?"

      "Because the light hurts my legs!" Her mother bursts into laughter over her joke. She walks over to Alice, puts her arm on her shoulder, and laughs painfully. Alice does not get the joke at all. There is nothing to get. "Oh…that was funny."

      "Mom! Are you drunk again?"

      "Very yes." She leans her head on her daughters shoulder, letting her white hair blend with her daughter's red.

      "Why don't you go to bed? I'm sure Dad needs you."

      "Pff! Hon, your father went back to work. Left his jacket there or something."

      'Oh, what the hell, Dad! Stealing my excuses, even!' Alice grows flustered. "How long ago did he leave?"

      "Honey. You know I can't tell time when I'm drunk." She takes a sip from the remaining vodka in her glass. "Ah! You can really taste the sheep."

      "You can really taste the….? Nevermind. I have to step out too. I left my jacket at the..."

      "I heard! You left your jacket at the Genesis club."

      "No." Alice starts shaking. "I left it at work, much like Dad."

      Her mother laughs. "Oh, Cherry Bomb. Do you think you really fool me? You don't know me at all, Alice." Susan smiles with a massive grin and stares at her empty glass. "Let me guess. You also told your brother to cover for you?"

      Alice doesn't respond.

      "Oh, it's fine, Cherry Bomb." She pauses for a moment. "Oh. Speaking of your brother..." Her tone suddenly changes to a loud, boiled scream. "Roger! I am drunk enough to have my arm cut off and not feel a thing, but I sure as hell can hear your video game from downstairs! TURN IT OFF! GO TO BED!"

      "Ah, crap!" Roger screams from upstairs.

      "Watch your fucking mouth!" She glares upstairs with a scowl that she knows Roger can feel from afar. She scowl swiftly turns to a smile as she returns her focus to Alice. "Anywho! Just go to the club. I trust you."

      "Wait. You're letting me go?"

      Susan smiles at the sight of her daughter's excitement. "You're only young for so long. Go. Have some fun."

      "But what about Dad?"

      "Leave him to me. But on one condition."

      "What?"

      "You let me meet your little friends outside. I need to see their face so I can know who to horribly murder if you get hurt."

      Alice sighs. "Yeah, you can meet them."

      Susan slips on her sandals and starts to unlock the door. She stops. "Roger! I'm stepping out for a second! If I come back in and you're not in bed, I'm deleting all your save files on your 360! YES! I DO KNOW HOW TO DO THAT!"

      "I'M IN BED, MOM!"

      "Then why are you talking!"

      "OH MY GOD, MOM!"

      Susan laughs. "Love you!"

      "Love you, too! Good night!"[/hide]

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      • Gerri
        Gerri
        last edited by
        Gerri
        spiral
        Gerri
        spiral

        Just read it but now I'm unsure whether I can comment on it or whether that would interfere with the bi-weekly in any way… :wassat:

        Edit: I'll just hide my thoughts

        [hide]I enjoyed the dialogues. They are vivid and fun to follow and in general fit well with the characters. The story is build up nicely. Not too much is told yet but some possible developments are hinted at and I look forward to the events unfolding. I have to admit the present tense is sometimes hard to read for me. Also, I would think the mom being stuck in the seventies would become more apparent in the interaction with her. Other than that only minor things like making inner dialogue more clear by using italics as ' is hardly different from " and might be missed in a story as rich in dialogue as yours. The last part in the Roger/Alice scene is a bit odd. Maybe use inner dialogue and also "as he unpauses the game" as the second Roger seems to much. And Susan's name came a bit out of nowhere. You could add it in the part that describes her laying on the couch - or is she sitting? (-;
        Finally, with the ABBA reference I would have found it funny if the kids names were Anni and Benny. ^_^ [/hide]

        Insider2000 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
        • Insider2000
          Insider2000 @Gerri
          @Gerri last edited by
          Insider2000
          spiral
          Insider2000
          spiral

          @Gerri:

          Just read it but now I'm unsure whether I can comment on it or whether that would interfere with the bi-weekly in any way… :wassat:

          If you're judging for this upcoming Bi-Weekly, then you shouldn't judge it.
          If you're not judging for this upcoming Bi-Weekly, then by all means.

          Gerri 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
          • Gerri
            Gerri @Insider2000
            @Insider2000 last edited by
            Gerri
            spiral
            Gerri
            spiral

            @Insider2000:

            If you're judging for this upcoming Bi-Weekly, then you shouldn't judge it.
            If you're not judging for this upcoming Bi-Weekly, then by all means.

            Nah, I'm not judging. I only rarely stumble across the writing threads even though I think every time that I should do it more often. (-;
            I just decided to comment anyways. I edited it into the post above. Hope you'll find it helpful.

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            • ChesCa
              ChesCa
              last edited by
              ChesCa
              spiral
              ChesCa
              spiral

              Eh heh heh heh….I got a short story finally. @ @
              U
              This one was short but sweet. The dialogue was funny, the nonsense talk didn't feel forced for once (my experience with other stories), and having a character getting ready in front of a mirror is a good way to get description in. I want moar, MOAR!!
              Nearly falls asleep

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