The Occasional Writings of a Procrastinating Artist

[Sai-chan]

Uh. Well. I don't have all that many writings to contribute to this section, and really all my writings are either assignments or spur of the moment stuff, but I figured it'd be a good idea have a place to at least post my random works than spam other places with it.

Here's a poem I did last year~

! My Baby
! Loveless and lost in myself
Naught a thing to hold
No hope shed a light on my soul
No beauty into my world
Never had a man come to my side
Never had another given me chance
Life is what I wanted
The life of a baby born
But none would heed my call
My desperate plea for a baby
I desire motherly nature
But nature desires not me
Year and year, one after another
Still no soul responds
Deep in my dark hole I crawl
Deep in my soul I sob
More and more time passes me by
Seconds like hours, minutes like days
And one day I found myself
Within the arms of my dream
I found a giver
A giver of life for me
He gave me blood red roses
How I cherished thee
I kept a rose with me
At every hour I could
Waiting for the life
to be born
A rose for each day passed
And a rose each day dead
The lump grew bigger and bigger
For every rose passed
After weeks and weeks
And months galore
My lump could grow no more
In a bed I lay
The pain incredible
But every second didn't matter
Any pain insignificant
As long as I could have my baby
The pain could go on forever
I push and push
Screaming, crying, desperate
My baby, I can see
In the arms of the doctor
My hands hold my sweet dream
Close to my chest
I lay my ear on my baby
And listen for that sweet beating
But nothing I hear
I check his neck and his wrist
But my baby is not beating
My baby is a corpse
No, no, it couldn't be
Not after so long a wait
But it was my fault my baby
Is no longer awake
Roses pass by my eyes
And over the months
Dozens gather over my room
All dead, only one in bloom
It's my fault, my fault
All my fault
I did this,
Only me
It doesn't matter how many tears fall
How many rivers come
I did this
And I should pay
My red rose in my hand
I fingered the thorns
And it's pointed end
One hand on my stomach
The other held the rose
I smiled, soon it would be over
Thrusting fast and quick
I shoved the flowery quill
And the dead roses rose red again
Sweet iron filled my senses
And a petal fell on my heart
I felt no pain
None at all
I got what I wanted
Revenge for My Baby

The poem was for an english assignment. We had to write something dark, gothic and Edgar Allan Poe inspired. The poem itself is about a woman who's depressed and wishes to have a child to (hopefully) fill the void, but no man would ever give her one. After much time passes, she finally gets a man who will give her a child. This man gives her a red rose everyday to show his love. Once her baby is born and she finds out it's stillborn, she blames herself. She thinks it's her fault her baby died, and kills herself with one of the roses.

[Jazzy Jinx]

Hmm… I like it. Overall, the writing itself is pretty shaky but what I like about this is what it speaks to me. I can tell through your vision and how you describe things that you're an artist and that gives a soul to your writing. Especially the imagery, without a doubt that's your strongest area. Honestly, I'd recommend writing a few excerpts or short stories with descriptions in mind. If you can improve your basic foundation then you could write something deep and beautiful.

Nice work, Sai-Sai.~

[Sai-chan]

Thanks Kenny! I was pretty nervous posting this, so I'm glad you like it.

When I write, I tend to just write whatever comes to me. Imagery, descriptions, annotations, rhymes, and all that; I have no intention of writing them when I start to write something, they just kinda happen. When I try to get down to the little details and actually think what I'm writing, it gets just a little difficult for me. However, I think I'll take your advice on writing little snippets to help with that.

Also, would it surprise you to know that I wrote this in around 15 minutes, entirely in pen and with little to no scratch outs at all?

[Jazzy Jinx]

@Sai-chan:

Thanks Kenny! I was pretty nervous posting this, so I'm glad you like it.

When I write, I tend to just write whatever comes to me. Imagery, descriptions, annotations, rhymes, and all that; I have no intention of writing them when I start to write something, they just kinda happen. When I try to get down to the little details and actually think what I'm writing, it gets just a little difficult for me. However, I think I'll take your advice on writing little snippets to help with that.

Snippets help you to quickly see your strengths and weaknesses. I would argue that even keeping a diary can improve your writing just on principal of how vividly you can convey your thoughts. And most, if not all, writing is worth saving so that you can always go back and see that maybe you did something better or had an interesting idea.

This thread is the perfect solution to all of that. Just plug anything here whenever you're feeling spontaneous.~

Also, would it surprise you to know that I wrote this in around 15 minutes, entirely in pen and with little to no scratch outs at all?

Honestly, I'm not surprised.

Contrary to popular belief, editing doesn't always help to improve a piece of writing. It's very likely that the first thing you write is the best thing you write. Whenever you write on impulse and feel invigorated or emotional, you manage to create the representation of your current feelings. Editing is something that's necessary whenever our foundation is messy. That's there just to structure the writing in a way that's more geared towards readers.

But the main soul of it is the crucial element. This is why I feel most writers hate editing. Writing is a passion, editing is work. And so we improve as writers the more we want to share our ideas or feelings with others. After a certain point… the soul of the work is no longer about spur of the moments, but about genuinely desiring to share our ideas with people.

[Sai-chan]

@Uncle:

Snippets help you to quickly see your strengths and weaknesses. I would argue that even keeping a diary can improve your writing just on principal of how vividly you can convey your thoughts. And most, if not all, writing is worth saving so that you can always go back and see that maybe you did something better or had an interesting idea.

This thread is the perfect solution to all of that. Just plug anything here whenever you're feeling spontaneous.~

Well, I've never actually used a diary, but I did get a little journal to write anything I spontaniously come up with in. Though, I normally get inspiration to write stuff based on anime or shows or something; I'm horrible with coming up with original stuff. :x And no fear about keeping old writings–I've kept everything since I was in like, 4th grade, old pictures, paper, homwork and writings included. I'm a horrible packrat. lol

@Uncle:

Honestly, I'm not surprised.

Contrary to popular belief, editing doesn't always help to improve a piece of writing. It's very likely that the first thing you write is the best thing you write. Whenever you write on impulse and feel invigorated or emotional, you manage to create the representation of your current feelings. Editing is something that's necessary whenever our foundation is messy. That's there just to structure the writing in a way that's more geared towards readers.

But the main soul of it is the crucial element. This is why I feel most writers hate editing. Writing is a passion, editing is work. And so we improve as writers the more we want to share our ideas or feelings with others. After a certain point… the soul of the work is no longer about spur of the moments, but about genuinely desiring to share our ideas with people.

I normally only edit stuff only if I don't like write I wrote previously or if it makes no sense whatsoever. xD Which tends to happen not that often, thankfully. I hardly edit my work all that much.

Oh, and here's a poem I wrote. Mostly I was just expirimenting with what I could come up with while in school, so I don't think it's all that great. But hey, it's a start.

It's a wish I'd love to make
Something no one could take
–away from me
Just a small want
Just a small need
Just a small thing to believe in
It's not much
I won't ask for more
So please, please, give me something to adore
Like the small breeze in the wind
Or the light smell of flower petals
A place I could stay all day
Where I could wish no more
A place for me to see
Just how beautiful life can be.

[ChesCa]

Can't say much because I don't know much about poetry, but you do evoke strong imagery and intense feelings.
….That's all I got.

[Sai-chan]

@Cuddles:

Can't say much because I don't know much about poetry, but you do evoke strong imagery and intense feelings.
….That's all I got.

Hey, that's better than nothing! Hopefully I can get some more poetry up (or maybe writings in general) so you can critique it more. That'll help you learn about poetry if anything else.

[Sai-chan]

I was listening to this

!

And got inspired. Here's another poem~

Why do we humans never ever learn?
Why do they always yearn
For things they can never earn?
Why do they search their hearts
For clues to mysteries never to be solved?
What is it about us
That leads to our own end?
We were never meant for enternity
We were never meant for imortality
we strive for what we can never ever have
What is it that makes us so mad?
Our hearts call for glory
Our tears call out pain
We mask these emotions with everlasting fame
Together we call for those far away
To ones who have passed
And the ones who have remained
Why do we cry for stories and the dead
Why do we smile at toddlers in their bed?
Who is it that we must prove ourselves
And what is this love that lives so far above?
Are we free or are we enslaved
By our ideas, to all our fates
What is it that we must live on for
And why do we search for ever ever more?

Take from it what you wish; I'm not really that sure what this is supposed to be saying. I just began writing~

[Sai-chan]

Okay, another poem. This one was actually an assignment. We had to use the first line from 'Seafarer' (This tale is true and mine) and use three examples of kennings and alliterations. Can you all help me? Alliteration isn't too hard but kennings always throw me off. Here's the poem:

This tale is true and mine
Together in this journey you'll find
that life and love are true and full
And happiness is all we want
Nothing will take that smile away
And none will ever find a way
In my heart I know who I am
And in my mind I see my future
A love in life and a life in love
Not ever death sent from above
Will stop the sun shining down on me
Even as I smile at those dark clouds
I'll gladly sleep under the rain
Grabbing mouthfuls of heaven's delight
Splashing around the darkness of night
Make your way in the world today
Or else you might never find it again
Join the dance and sing my song
Live your life long along
The journey you'll no doubt find yourself upon
Darkness is not the end you'll see
It merely makes the light brighter
It takes all the bad to see the good
So go through the sadness and shine in the light
And never ever lose that sight

Not one of my best poems I think. lol It needs a bit of work.

[ChesCa]

I wish Kenny were still here. I would copy his opinion.
I think they sound alright, but I don't know how to critique except to make more vivid imagery in the second to last one. I don't know what Kennings are.

[Sai-chan]

Thanks Cuddles~

Kennings are… like, referring to something without specifically saying it's name. Like the line 'grabbing mouthfuls of heaven's delight' Heaven's Delight is referring to rain. But kennings always mess me up...

[Sai-chan]

Blah. I felt like writing something and took inspiration from my friend's situation to write a little valentine poem.

It’s nothing to question
Please don’t ask
You don’t need to reason
About why I crash
Or squirm or scream
Or blush ruby red
It’s nothing to worry about
It’s all in my head
My hands are sweaty
My heart’s beating fast
I’m turning pale
Trust me, it won’t last
Just a little sickness
I’m sure it’ll pass
Just, don’t pay attention
To my shaking hands
I’m not worth it, really
Stop looking at me so
Can you just leave?
Please, hurry and go
It isn’t you, honest
It’s all me
You haven’t done a thing
I’m just an idiot, honestly
You’d think I could control myself
My stupid hands or my stupid blush
My stupid emotions
Or my stupid crush…

/halfassed

[ChesCa]

An poem I can understand!
It's honest and too the point, and I almost read it out loud. Nice rhythm.

[Sai-chan]

@Cuddles:

An poem I can understand!
It's honest and too the point, and I almost read it out loud. Nice rhythm.

Glad you like it Cuddles!

I was just thinking of a friend when I wrote this. She has a crush on one of her friends and I like to tease her about it.
Rythm is fun to write~

[Sai-chan]

Little Monsters Prologue

! Firelight danced off of star and moon covered cloth, highlighting the purples and blues. A shadow ran across a few shining sparkles—floating along as if pulled by an unknown force. A light glow flashed by, and then, it was gone.
! A girl, no more than 13 years, swung her orange and blue striped legs. She giggled and laughed, her eyes glittering with excitement, her hair bouncing all around her. One hand gripped a broom, just barely hovering over the carpet, avoiding a half-eaten bowl of cookies. The other was in the air—waving around—holding a long, brown wooden stick.
! Two brown shoes, their toes curled upward in a spiral, walked on air and hopped onto her still swinging feet. Gold light followed and died, its job done.
! The girl grabbed the handle of the broom tighter. She swirled in midair, spinning and giggling, the broom slicing through the air and swaying the pages of nearby open books. A few bottles of strange colored liquid tilted for a moment, and were silent. The ringing bells of innocent laughter seemed to cover the room, everything else utterly silent.
! Golden light blanketed a long black coat, picking it up and lightly swaying over to the girl. Her arms floated through into the arm holes and her hands pulled out her long brown hair, letting it curl and bounce outward. The coat seemed to flutter, as if alive, but settled down over her thin shoulders—her short pink shirt barely peeking out underneath.
! The yellow moon on her shirt thudded over her chest. Her breath quivered, blood pumped through her veins, her shoulders shaking. She grabbed the side of her purple skirt, wrinkling the fabric. The large gold buckle around her waist gleamed against the black belt—
! “YES!”
! Her voice rang through the silence.
! “FINALLY! I’M GOING! I’M FINALLY GOING!”
! A large purple witch’s hat, covered in crudely drawn stars, and an overly curled tip with a yellow moon hanging off the end, twitched. It jumped up, flying over the candles, books, and potions—landing on her head. Her ensemble was complete, and the various packed bags sitting next to the pink and purple bunk bed sat, waiting, watching.
! She laughed, raising her hands into the air and kicking her legs back and forth. Her coat waved all around her, creating an odd halo effect in the firelight. She leaned her head back and back flipped on the broom, momentarily spinning backwards, upside down, side to side, before stopping. Her form was still for a moment; one long, short, moment, contemplating something. All is quiet. And then—
! Battie Loona flew into the nearby wall, her form creating a rippling effect on the design, one that looked suspiciously like a landscape. A small castle in the far back, a forest surrounding, and the sun actually seeming to set down behind the painted trees—
! “MONSTER SCHOOL, HERE I COME!”

I… attempted to write something. :I And not a poem. Amazing, huh?

[Jazzy Jinx]

Hmm… I don't know if it's just me but I had a really hard time deciphering everything that was going on. I think you may be trying to concentrate way too much on the imagery and not enough on clarity. As well, imagery is done best with fewer words rather than many. You could also benefit from describing the setting more since I'm not even entirely sure I know where the girl in question is right now (I think it's a camp site at night). It's certainly a good effort and I can tell where you're trying to go with it but try to make sure that clarity is your main mission in your descriptions.

There are certain ways you can be both clear and creative with the world play. You'd benefit from re-reading your own works and asking yourself if it's a good way to describe it or, showing your work to friends of yours and have them give you some perspective. I know that, as writers, it's difficult for us to read our own work as a stranger since we already know all the details of the scene in our own mind. But really, it's the audience that matters most in all this.

On the upside, I did like the bits of imagery that I could understand. And I also think that the story has a lot of potential to be interesting (heh, well of course I would). Just remember to write in such a way that anyone can understand what's going on.~

[Sai-chan]

Thanks for the critique, Kenny!

Yeah… this is why I have trouble writing. I think it's because I'm an artist, but I have trouble with 'building' the world around characters, even if it's just a room. My thought process just... doesn't go in a linear direction--I think when I write, and some thoughts sprout and bloom into beautiful flowers, while others shrivel and die, leaving me in a dead end. I'm good with imagery, but farther than that... well, it's hard for me. I just hope that, as a first draft, I did a good job with this. I'll work on editing it and trying to make it more clear.

Can you tell me which bits of imagery you liked, so I don't accidentally get rid of them? lol

[Jazzy Jinx]

Well like, even with the first line:

Firelight danced off of star and moon covered cloth, highlighting the purples and blues.

I think this is pretty good imagery right here. The only thing that kills it is that it's the first sentence. What would really bring it alive would be to proceed it with a description of the setting first so we can know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there's a campfire nearby. That way when we read it we'll instantly think, "Oh yeah, that must be a robe next to a campfire" instead of trying to figure out what's going on.

The following bits of imagery:

A shadow ran across a few shining sparkles—floating along as if pulled by an unknown force. A light glow flashed by, and then, it was gone.

It would be easy for someone that doesn't know what's going on to make the assumption that this has something to do with the campfire. Our only bit of information beforehand was that a fire was nearby.

But then:

Golden light blanketed a long black coat, picking it up and lightly swaying over to the girl.

Is it a campfire or magic? Are both part of the setting? Was there only one all along? The imagery itself isn't a problem. It's just that it's all held back by a lack of clarity. For an example, if one were to say, "emerald shining radiance" you'd be left scratching your head. But if you place it into context, "Her eyes were green as if an emerald shining radiance", things suddenly make a lot more sense, flow much better and brings out the most of the imagery.

I hope I wasn't too nonsensical with this reply.~

[Sai-chan]

The thing is… she's not by a campfire. xD; So I guess I royally messed up with the description there. She's surrounded by candles (which is mentioned a few times... but not clearly enough I suppose) in her room. I think I should change "Golden light blanketed a long black coat, picking it up and lightly swaying over to the girl" (which can be assumed to be a fire) to "Golden light, dripping pink sparkles as it moved, blanketed a long black coat, picking it up and slightly swaying over to the girl." The golden light that moves the objects around is coming from her wand and is magic… yeah, I need to work on clarity. lol The beginning always is the hardest part for me... but, again, I'll have to work on that too. Maybe I should change a few of the light references to flickering light instead of golden, to distinguish the two?

Thanks for the help, Kenny. I'll try to re-write it when I get home today with some of the stuff you suggested.

[Jazzy Jinx]

Part of good imagery is blatantly stating what you mean along with colorful descriptions.~

Good luck, Sai-Sai.

[ChesCa]

Pretty good, just a few technical notes:

Take out all instants of 'seemed to,' 'looked suspiciously like' and 'floating as if pulled by an unknown source.' It makes your writing sound like it's guessing what's going on instead of what's actually going on. The cloaked was pulled by an unknown source, the wall did look like a landscape (you can say it looked suspiciously lifelike) and ringing bells of innocent laughter covered the from from out of nowhere.

Those are just my examples though, but you get the idea.

I hope to see more from you.

[Sai-chan]

Haha… I was actually trying to keep the audience guessing, not to insinuate that I was guessing. But that's the learning process, isn't it? lol Oh well, I'll try to re-write it sometime this weekend (three day weekend!).

[ChesCa]

That's a fair enough experiment, although in my experience practicing styles is harder than it sounds. ^^;

If you can draw the audience in it will work a lot better, but right now…hmm, third person narrative usually describes what's happening and has a hard time meshing with that style.

But like you said, 'learning process' (even I have to keep doing it).

[Sai-chan]

Well, I posted an old picture in my art thread
I might as well post an old poem here

! Mother oh Mother can't you see
you're the best thing that happened to me
I love you and you love me
We're a small and happy family
Me and my sister will come and go
But our love for you will still be so

I wrote this in like, 2nd or 3rd grade for mother's day :B