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    Ashina (Script)

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    • T
      THE SEA
      last edited by
      T
      spiral
      THE SEA
      spiral

      Ashina, as I believe, is a story best told in comic form. There are many things I want to tell with just pictures. I am a writer as inexperienced as inexperienced gets, for this is the first time I truly "write" a serious story. English is not my first language, and being from as distant a culture as can be with English readers certainly has put me at disadvantage, not to mention I have no talent for word. Thus, my writing, translated from Vietnamese, is certainly insufficient, and might came off as rough and clumsy for English readers. However, this project might be delayed until I get enough experience to pull it off, so I decided to post the script here, to gather ideas and critique to improve it as I do other comic projects. Be warned that there is nothing but spoiler here for those who want to read Ashina as a comic.

      To help readers picture the characters, which I didn't describe clearly in the script, I illustrated some of them.

      http://i.imgur.com/DvJ7c.jpg

      http://i.imgur.com/xWBpU.jpg

      http://i.imgur.com/ES5Ud.jpg

      Prologue:

      ! Aledias Eliades’s letter to his sister, 27/10/1982.
      –
      My dearest sister Iris,
      Kiss mother for me, and tell her I love her.
      I have received the package of salt I asked you to send half a month ago. Good old salt. Few things would be greater for a Cyprian man separated from his country. Its taste is like the taste of our soil, our field, our wind, the very soul of Cypria, giving me this cozy sentiment called "home" absolutely needed for me to wrestle with the nasty weather of Gerasian land. And to wear off this increasing feeling of isolation, dear sister. This salt made me feel home, feel warm, feel accompanied, feel immersed in the familiar water of our village, and drag me out of this dark chasm called frustration. Expensive city life, various problems arose. Persistent financial crisis and pressure of conflicts drove me at times to complete disgust with life. And my spirit would have crumbled, and the cold wind would have gnawed my heart off. Zephyrus, however, is doing his own things as usual, and seems to be at the height of his spirit.
      ! Last week, I finally got a chance to set my feet upon the mausoleum of empress Ashina, to pay off my respect and fulfill father’s last wish, as we have longed to do. The scale of the mausoleum lived up to its name as one of nine wonders of the world. Hundred meter high, covering about 80 meters square, located in the Chaue mountain, half a mile from the ground. Indeed a great work of architecture. Flawlessly combined the highest art of sculpture and paintings as the finest product of XVII century’s craftsmanship. I was filled with amazement.
      ! At the main yard lied a huge cooper statue of the empress herself. Fine work, about twenty feet tall, greened by time, valiantly standing through centuries. I stood in its shadow, looking up with admiration. We are all living in the shadow of Ashina. At the pedestal of the statue carved a poem:
      “Bright heart rivaling Sunlight and Moonlight
      Untainted soul not ashamed with Rivers and Mountains
      One sharp blade to compete with Heaven and Earth
      Two naked hands to construct career of Spring and Autumn*”

      • The woman has rested, yet her will is still piercing the sky. Already 300 years, yet not once was the incense-smoke in her mausoleum decreased, always pervading like the overflowing aroma of Suavant flowers in the Haen street at spring-times. The world is at chaos, yet ever crowded are the visitors of this sacred temple. In the heavy, suffocating atmosphere of an upcoming world war, a terrific catastrophe impending in the air, people for even more want to escape to their spiritual world, to seek for divine protection. And to Gerasian people, so significant a meaning does the name Ashina carry. For generations after generations, that name has become a symbol, an embodiment of military might and justice. She was then a Gerasian soul more Gerasian than any, a herald of her people. None can study the Gerasian mind without studying Ashina-the very essence of this land’s culture, implanted in the sub-consciousness of its children. The native people talk about her tales, her legendary feats with a strangely passionate tone, almost incomprehensible to foreigners, mixed of overly national pride and warm hospitality.
        The magnitude of her martial and political talent, as evidenced by history, leaves today men wondering if she had been alive, how would she handle to the dreadful mess that is modern world issues.

        Immersed in my own thoughts about the past and the future, my feet walked on it own, and when I came to myself, the dusk has crawled. Visitors all left. I ended up at the highest floor of the mausoleum, in a worshiping chamber. Looking down from this chamber, a magnificent landscape gathered at my eyes, as beautiful as a Laphane’s painting, and raised in me was then a powerful emotion. The whole world seemed to be at my embrace. And I wanted to embrace the world. Aspiration followed aspiration, dreams went after dream, all those grandiose desires flowed into my heart with the wind. Was it also what she felt, a woman who once stood at the top of the world, when she was here, at her to-be-grave?

        The wind blew violently, the clouds constantly changed their colors, like a warning of an upcoming storm of time. My eyes quickly shifted to a framed painting next to her altar, in which was her last poem recorded:
        “Honor and filial duty, so dearly held
        Through a whole life, adrift with fatherland
        With utmost glory comes utmost burden
        When the night arrives, who to rouge rosy cheek?
        Years after yeas, conquests after conquests,
        Blood stained is the commanding spear, crying with the Earth
        Thousand of troops wielded at whim,
        Looking back, only me laughing with myself
        Drunken yet, o my good friend?
        For evermore in vain sanity struggles.”

        I read from those lines a seemingly unspoken regret. Melancholy suddenly stroke my heart, imbued in the buried desire of a heroic monarch who changed her time. Went home with a jumbled mind, filled with questions. Mid-night. Was cold and quiet. At times dreaded with the shrieks of the crows. Path to home was lonely. The wind howled yet again, sounded as doleful as the cry in bed of a lonesome wife waiting for her husband to come back from the battlefield. All those sounds and wonderings followed me into my dream that morning. A bizarre dream. So bizarre I would rather not tell it to my doctor, in case he might send me to an asylum. Even so, I can hardly ensure you that I am in the right state of mind right now. What I saw then, though almost impossible to be described in words, was our world awashed in countless streams of blood, with thousand and thousand of corpses drifting and exploding, children running and screaming in terror. All the world’s top-notch politicians’ severed heads whirled around a tornado, striking the sky reddened with lava, and at the center of that tornado…was me.
        And when I was still at shock, from the sky descended a valiant, saintly knight, dressed in golden armor, hand holding a strangely shaped sword. Seemed to be female. Not yet to see her face for clear, but from her emitted an incredibly overwhelming aura, the likes of which would make an ordinary man instantly want to bow his head. She thus called to me, with a voice as stately as it is warm: “Lo, man of present. Go west for two miles, and you will find an ancient cedar tree. Move the tree, and see the forest.”

        Just then I woke up, trembling and sweating with throbbing heart and stirred mind. Full of doubt, I followed the instruction of the knight. And without a doubt, what I discovered there, as breath-taking as breath-taking goes, is a secret buried for centuries, that which once brought to light, will have countries and countries shaken. And the liberals will go rampant with their most ridiculous propagandas. And all the conservatives will be brought their knees, screaming hopelessly in panic. And our lives will be profoundly changed. Our world will be turned upside down. Our common knowledge will lose its ground. So many many things we were taught about the woman called Ashina Bonaparte the empress will no longer hold value. History shall be rewritten, for what I am about to reveal to you via this letter is nothing you would find in any book of any library, or from any historian or scholar. Upon learning the truth, I was dead for a few hours. Never have I yelled like that day. Never have I laughed like that day. And never have I cried as much either. Up to this point I has only discussed this with Zephyrus and professor Ruberg Beward, but I trust you to keep this a secret until we decide about what to do with this mind-shattering discovery.

        Submission for the Bi-weekly competition.
        Chapter one: Oath:

        ! I.
        ! [part 1: Narrative: Omnipotent third person.]

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      • Prismeru
        Prismeru
        last edited by
        Prismeru
        spiral
        Prismeru
        spiral

        Well, shitting on stuff makes you gain experience. Don´t be afraid to work this one while you work at the same time on other stuff. If something goes wrong, you can always scrap it and burn it (well, maybe that´s a bit extreme). At the end, you´ll have lots of experience and a lot of drafts.

        As for the story, i think you´ll do good writing from this moment in comic form, not in written discourse. Let me explain (and bear with me, this is a suggestion from a comic reader, not creator. Forgive me for any stupid thing i say).

        Instead of:

        The Knight emerged from the shadows and murdered the king.The night delved in the image of the murderer: his sword slowly dripping blood while the king gasped heavily the air, reaching the nothingness of the twilight.

        Page 1
        Panel 1: Figure of the king in the night around the castle.
        Panel 2: Shadows. In the middle of it a silhoutte with a knife
        panel 3: The knight races for the king who is looking the other way.
        Panel 4: feet of the king and the knight. Squirts of Blood are splattered on the floor.
        Panel 5: Panel of the sword, dripping blood (this can be multiple panels that express the idea of blood slowly dripping)
        Panel 6: the hand of the king reaching in the air and then stopping motionless.

        ^ Sucky story but i think it gets the point.

        If i made a wrong assumption, forgive me.

        Working thru some stuff. Dunno how long i will be here.

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        • R
          RPGJay
          last edited by
          R
          spiral
          RPGJay
          spiral

          I'm going to post my thoughts on this later when I'm not about to pass out.

          But I'm glad to see you're joining the writing forum Sea.

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          • ChesCa
            ChesCa
            last edited by
            ChesCa
            spiral
            ChesCa
            spiral

            Hmm…this feels like a lot to take in for some reason, so I'll do this paragraph-by-paragraph:
            1. It seems to start off well enough with a guy missing his home, but too soon he gets into how great his homeland is and how dirty the city he's in is now. If that's the point, okay, but so far he's coming off as kind of a douche with a sense of cultural superiority.
            2. No problems I can see here. He's impressed and sounds like it. If there were any changes to be made, it'd have to the ones you decide should happen.
            3. Okay, we're establishing that Ashina is a heroine long since passed away, but I'm having trouble deciding if she really was a hero or just has a kind of cult following. It doesn't help that it's implied that the more the world's in the trouble the more desperate people she gets. It's even possibly there in the author, because I can't decide if he's fascinated by her, a fanboy, or just outright obsessed with her.
            4. This one only further makes him seem slightly crazy, almost like he wants to be the second Ashina, but in an unhealthy way that encourages delusions of grandeur.
            5. I don't get the point of the poem, but that's obviously more me than you. Kenny (or anyone else for that matter) could critique that more efficiently.
            6. "The wind howled yet again, sounded as doleful as the cry in bed of a lonesome wife waiting for her husband to come back from the battlefield." This line seems more like something you'd find in poetry class than a letter. That might need a little excising, or something more appropriate for talking to a sibling you're obviously familiar with. Also, his almost dogmatic love for that poem bookends well with his dream in the end. As things stand now, I know he's crazy. Since this is just the beginning of the story, however, it still remains to see whether that's a good or bad thing.*
            *Unless your world actually has things like psychic visions and powers, in which case he's not quite as insane. Right now I'm just assuming everyone's 'normal.'
            7. This should be your hook: a newfound power in the hands of a zealot/hero/madman/anti-hero. Go with that and you'll get the audience immersed.
            That's all I can give for now.

            T 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
            • T
              THE SEA @ChesCa
              @ChesCa last edited by
              T
              spiral
              THE SEA
              spiral

              Thanks everyone for the comments.

              I don't get the point of the poem

              The poem is supposed to be a little enigmatic, with "buried desire" and "unspoken regret". It is important for her character development later.

              if she really was a hero

              It's an important character development too.
              Her mausoleum being one of the nine wonders of the world is important world-building.

              This line seems more like something you'd find in poetry class than a letter.

              It's there to establish his insane dream though.
              However, Aledias is actually quite mentally unstable, seeing how he talks about the conservatives being brought to their knees. I think readers can guess he is a not an government officer but has some kind of political obsession, a malcontent or something. My description of him was partly inspired by Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment.

              Right now I'm just assuming everyone's 'normal.'

              There was one picture in my art thread indicating his ability.

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              • ChesCa
                ChesCa
                last edited by
                ChesCa
                spiral
                ChesCa
                spiral

                Okay, cool. I get it now.
                I don't recall the pic, but that's good enough for me.

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                • R
                  RPGJay
                  last edited by
                  R
                  spiral
                  RPGJay
                  spiral

                  There we go, I have joined the conscious world again.

                  My overall impression of the prologue is very strong. I rather like it. It does a great job in setting up the state of the present world and, more importantly, Ashina's impact on it.

                  One of the things I like is your choice of words, you choose very detailed words that provokes great mental images. Which is a good thing. It gives me the impression that this prologue is going to rely heavily on the art not unlike the first chapter of Devilman. For someone who does not speak English as his first language it's written very well (a few minor grammatical errors I've noticed notwithstanding).

                  There are a few things that I think need improvement. As you said, I can see that Aledias is not mentally stable. In the last paragraph when Aledias finds the secret from his dream you do a good job in describing what will happen to the public if the secret is made known, but perhaps there should be a line or two describing his own mental state upon discovering it? If he was not already sane per se, finding something that would rewrite history as he knows it could make him more unstable. Though admittedly the tone in the last paragraph does infer that Aledias is distressed, I just think he should be disoriented.

                  Other than that I didn't really have any large problems other than some minor nit-picking. Good job Sea!

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                  • T
                    THE SEA
                    last edited by
                    T
                    spiral
                    THE SEA
                    spiral
                    This post is deleted!
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                    • T
                      THE SEA
                      last edited by
                      T
                      spiral
                      THE SEA
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                      • T
                        THE SEA
                        last edited by
                        T
                        spiral
                        THE SEA
                        spiral

                        Okay, we had some problems that were fixed. I added the edited version of the chapter one into the first post with the addition of Abraham the blacksmith.[hide]
                        To help readers picture the characters, which I didn't describe clearly in the script, I illustrated some of them.

                        http://i.imgur.com/DvJ7c.jpg

                        http://i.imgur.com/xWBpU.jpg

                        http://i.imgur.com/ES5Ud.jpg [/hide]
                        EDIT:
                        Thanks for the comment, Lilly. I have long waited for one, and yours is a detailed and much appreciated one.
                        For some strange reason, I can only post by editing old posts now. Sorry for the inconvenience.
                        Wall of text below:
                        [hide]About Ashina’s character being wise and mature beyond her age, well, that is how she is supposed to be.
                        Initially I wrote Ashina as a more insecure girl who wanted to be like her father but was afraid of society’s tradition until the incident with her mother. However I don’t want this manga to be too burdened with sexism. Is Ashina all about dealing with sexism? Is Ashina simply a character who can beat men and spread feminist messages? Well, I don’t want her to be a clamoring PSA for my themes, so I decided to write her character a bit different, and actually I personally think her character makes more sense as it is now, while of course it could be improved. Ashina's struggle with sexism is a trigger to a grander struggle of a much more complex plot involving the fate of humanity.

                        Because Ashina got along so well with the lower classes, it is easy to forget that she was an aristocrat, born in a house noble from head to boots, and forced to get used to formal etiquette since birth. At the king’s birthday party was not the first time she communicated with a big figure either. She was meant to be experienced at formal meetings. At 14 years old Maria Antoinette was already married off to Louis XVI to strengthen the relationship between Austria and France. The childhood of someone born in aristocratic society is much different from ours, but even among noble children, Ashina is exceptional.
                        Firstly, as you noticed, she is supposed to be a genius only seen once in a thousand year. Well, it is something for a 14 years old to talk about the darkness of existence and reject the concept of common glory. She was not nihilistic, but she agreed with nihilism in many matters. As Hanota indicated, at this point she could have become someone similar to a 14 years old Dalai Lama, if she wasn’t too attached to people surrounding her. [hide]The addition of the character Hanota, who represents the view of Buddhism in this story, is an important detail in my decision to change Ashina’s character. The conversation with Hanota speaks many thing about her early maturity. I could write her more childish, but that mean I have to write Hanota off the chapter.[/hide]

                        Secondly, Ashina was interested in politics, asking her father many times about it, only to be rejected. She hated the hypocrisy and corruption of current politicians, but she was interested. She makes her attitude pretty clear: sharp, restrained and cautious toward the aristocrats and politicians; relaxed, warm and open toward the lower classes. Furthermore, it is not like she made up her message to the King on the spot. She came to the birthday celebration fully prepared, so it is unlikely that a strictly educated mademoiselle like her would say something childlike or inappropriate at a place like that. She was full well aware it was a dangerous, venomous place, and met it with intense mentality.

                        The killing of two men was supposed to end less of her childhood, but more of her purity and peace of mind. Her heart was pure, undisturbed with violence, and ready to embrace all lives. She was an angel on Earth, with almost Christ-like love. The murder awakened the deeply buried pleasure of killing, and she discovered the monstrous murderous instinct sleeping inside her. This is one of her struggles in the series as well, Ashina versus herself. But before that killing, I did make an attempt to portray her as a rather childlike lass who loved to play and got carried away. Also, she loved the embrace of her mother and associate it with things, because it made her want to feel like a child. She was mature, but she wanted to feel like a child in her mother's arms.

                        One of her incompetence that I intentionally added, is when the kid asked who he should give fruit to. She was unmindful and insensitive in choosing that song, and when the kid asked the innocent question, the eloquent Ashina was speechless. We too sometimes forget how deep a wound wars have left on little souls.

                        I get it that the overall impression about Ashina is something readers can hardly relate to. Because, well, she is a massive figure meant to be extremely exceptional after all. It is fascinating to write Ashina because I have to write about someone supposed to be smarter (and more profound, more mature) than myself. I think of Ashina as someone I don’t totally understand, but her image in me is solid, and I can feel “Yes, that sounds like something she would say”. I know keeping her character as it is now may risk making her less relatable, or the killing scene less poignant, but I can’t help feeling Ashina is rightly Ashina just as she is now. She is meant to fearsome from an early age, and the conversation with the king reflects that (not only did she make a subtle decision by choosing the birthday celebration to send her message through a song and corner the king in front of the public, she was also confident that her dance and song were good enough to be noticed, and the king would call for her, not to mention she were examining the king's behavior with keen eyes.) One thing I can guarantee you is that the grown up Ashina will dwarf any maturity you see in 14 years old Ashina.

                        Nonetheless I will try to portray her facial expressions as childlike and rich as she should be when she interact with those she is friendly with, in the comic. Hopefully that will maker her seem more lively and real. And don’t worry, she has a lot of weaknesses. Like a phobia for kitchen or something. And she is still quite naive, and cannot picture how harsh the world she is entering.

                        Maybe something "technical", is it necessary to change the perpsective of the narrating character?

                        That is part of the characterization too. I think each character’s writing style speaks something about their character. Perhaps this one is not clear yet, but in future chapter it will be more obvious. Plus this story will be told in comic form, and there are many things I feel inconvenient expressing in the script. You will get what I mean when you see the comic.
                        @tigerlilly:

                        BTW laughed really hard at the pic of napoleon and you had me thinking if I'm not a part of fiction from another universe for a sec…

                        You are a wonderful character, lilly. You must have been written by the Alan Moore or Miyazaki of my universe.

                        [/hide]

                        tigerlilly 1 Reply Last reply Reply Quote 0
                        • tigerlilly
                          tigerlilly
                          last edited by
                          tigerlilly
                          spiral
                          tigerlilly
                          spiral

                          Looks like the first part already got some input, so I'll just tell you what I thought about chapter 1.

                          Wall of text below

                          [hide]I really like the outlay of your story so far! You managed to keep my interest with the different interactions here and there and I really really liked that evil plot twist with Charvante and the faked death. So story wise you did a good job with keeping your reader on the page. What turned me off however is the name dropping of countries I have no connection to. Maybe you could add a map, that shows the dynamics of the cultures and countries. But as it is now, it's just a lot of names I can't keep in my mind. But the main premise of a war going to happen soon, creates some good tension.

                          Characters are solid, however in need of improvement. The character Ashina for example, is supposed to be a 14 year old girl, yet there is not much of innocence or lack of experience that should come with this age for me. It appears that she's a grown up already. I know that she is supposed to be a prodigy; you also pointed out that she enjoys to read books about military tactics in her sparetime. So her knowledge in that area does not go unexplained. But it just feels a bit too eloquent and experienced. I couldn't picture her as a child while reading some of her paragraphes.
                          The only parts that I could to some extent, were the parts with Miseral in the chamber, the one where she speaks with her mother about her name, and the part with the fox. But those were also just very short glimpses. If you make her appear more child-like, the cut of the happenings to her mother and her killing two man (thus ending her childhood) is WAY more poignant.

                          You don't have to have her skipping through the meadows. But maybe have her play with other children, for example the war children. Have her have for instance playful fights or conversations with them and maybe you can already drop sóme of the sex equality motifs here, when she struggles with a boy her age.

                          Maybe make her speeches a bit less elaborate when she speaks with the King. Make it shine through that she knows her stuff, but make it clear that she is inexperienced, too. Let her slip something youthful/inappropriate in the conversation that makes the King smile for instance.
                          Right now she appears like a real equal in ther conversation, and that shouldn't be the case this early in the story.
                          Also You have to be cautious not to step into Mary Sue territory with her. Add some weakness to make her feel more realistic, so that the reader can feel more for her .

                          When it comes to other characters Abraham is most probably the one I have a soft spot for the most here.
                          You did great work witht the personification of this one, you have to be heartless to not feel something for this old guy. His deluded dreams of his son returning, and him even saving money for his wedding made my heart ache…
                          I also like Ashina's mother, she gives of this warm goodhearted vibe, like a mother should have. Makes you feel the more for her.
                          Miseral is a good soul too, her interactions with Ashina form a nice contrast!

                          Charvante is a nice bastard, you love to hate. Good work with that one, a real rat. I like the twists, I was already afraid that something bad might be coming ahead after Charvante's invite, despite the humiliation his son received durig the sword fight.

                          My fav scene was the one where Ashina stood up for her mother, as her father was about to kill her. The way she questioned not only her father, but her society, her world, was great and shows that she stands for her values instead of following some social obligations.
                          It reminds me of a play I read in school, Morts san sépulture (Deaths without burial), ever heard of it? It was pretty much the most cynical darkest thing I've read in a long time. Talks about fighters from the résistance during World War 2, who are caught and appointed to go through torture for information. It had a very powerful scene of the only female prisoner. She first intends to kill herself out of humililation. But finally she decides that there is nothing they could possibly do to her that could take her honour and virtue. It will only be taken by herself if she succumbs and speaks out the information under their torture. She choosed to live and with it rebulds the strenght of her comrades. It was an extremely powerful scene and reminds me of Ashina in a very positive sense.

                          Maybe something "technical", is it necessary to change the perpsective of the narrating character?
                          Of course it creates some intimacy when reading something from a characters point of view, but at the points you used it, it wasn't creating any differences and could have easily been told from a consistent third person.
                          BTW laughed really hard at the pic of napoleon and you had me thinking if I'm not a part of fiction from another universe for a sec... 😆

                          That's pretty much it. It is already clearly established what drives Ashina, but I can't see yet how she will fulfill this extreme task. Curious to see what you have in store there, dude![/hide]

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                          • tigerlilly
                            tigerlilly @THE SEA
                            @THE SEA last edited by
                            tigerlilly
                            spiral
                            tigerlilly
                            spiral

                            @THE:

                            [hide]About Ashina’s character being wise and mature beyond her age, well, that is how she is supposed to be.
                            Initially I wrote Ashina as a more insecure girl who wanted to be like her father but was afraid of society’s tradition until the incident with her mother. However I don’t want this manga to be too burdened with sexism. Is Ashina all about dealing with sexism? Is Ashina simply a character who can beat men and spread feminist messages? Well, I don’t want her to be a clamoring PSA for my themes, so I decided to write her character a bit different, and actually I personally think her character makes more sense as it is now, while of course it could be improved. Ashina's struggle with sexism is a trigger to a grander struggle of a much more complex plot involving the fate of humanity.

                            Because Ashina got along so well with the lower classes, it is easy to forget that she was an aristocrat, born in a house noble from head to boots, and forced to get used to formal etiquette since birth. At the king’s birthday party was not the first time she communicated with a big figure either. She was meant to be experienced at formal meetings. At 14 years old Maria Antoinette was already married off to Louis XVI to strengthen the relationship between Austria and France. The childhood of someone born in aristocratic society is much different from ours, but even among noble children, Ashina is exceptional.
                            Firstly, as you noticed, she is supposed to be a genius only seen once in a thousand year. Well, it is something for a 14 years old to talk about the darkness of existence and reject the concept of common glory. She was not nihilistic, but she agreed with nihilism in many matters. As Hanota indicated, at this point she could have become someone similar to a 14 years old Dalai Lama, if she wasn’t too attached to people surrounding her. [hide]The addition of the character Hanota, who represents the view of Buddhism in this story, is an important detail in my decision to change Ashina’s character. The conversation with Hanota speaks many thing about her early maturity. I could write her more childish, but that mean I have to write Hanota off the chapter.[/hide]

                            Secondly, Ashina was interested in politics, asking her father many times about it, only to be rejected. She hated the hypocrisy and corruption of current politicians, but she was interested. She makes her attitude pretty clear: sharp, restrained and cautious toward the aristocrats and politicians; relaxed, warm and open toward the lower classes. Furthermore, it is not like she made up her message to the King on the spot. She came to the birthday celebration fully prepared, so it is unlikely that a strictly educated mademoiselle like her would say something childlike or inappropriate at a place like that. She was full well aware it was a dangerous, venomous place, and met it with intense mentality.

                            The killing of two men was supposed to end less of her childhood, but more of her purity and peace of mind. Her heart was pure, undisturbed with violence, and ready to embrace all lives. She was an angel on Earth, with almost Christ-like love. The murder awakened the deeply buried pleasure of killing, and she discovered the monstrous murderous instinct sleeping inside her. This is one of her struggles in the series as well, Ashina versus herself. But before that killing, I did make an attempt to portray her as a rather childlike lass who loved to play and got carried away. Also, she loved the embrace of her mother and associate it with things, because it made her want to feel like a child. She was mature, but she wanted to feel like a child in her mother's arms.

                            One of her incompetence that I intentionally added, is when the kid asked who he should give fruit to. She was unmindful and insensitive in choosing that song, and when the kid asked the innocent question, the eloquent Ashina was speechless. We too sometimes forget how deep a wound wars have left on little souls.

                            I get it that the overall impression about Ashina is something readers can hardly relate to. Because, well, she is a massive figure meant to be extremely exceptional after all. It is fascinating to write Ashina because I have to write about someone supposed to be smarter (and more profound, more mature) than myself. I think of Ashina as someone I don’t totally understand, but her image in me is solid, and I can feel “Yes, that sounds like something she would say”. I know keeping her character as it is now may risk making her less relatable, or the killing scene less poignant, but I can’t help feeling Ashina is rightly Ashina just as she is now. She is meant to fearsome from an early age, and the conversation with the king reflects that (not only did she make a subtle decision by choosing the birthday celebration to send her message through a song and corner the king in front of the public, she was also confident that her dance and song were good enough to be noticed, and the king would call for her, not to mention she were examining the king's behavior with keen eyes.) One thing I can guarantee you is that the grown up Ashina will dwarf any maturity you see in 14 years old Ashina.

                            Nonetheless I will try to portray her facial expressions as childlike and rich as she should be when she interact with those she is friendly with, in the comic. Hopefully that will maker her seem more lively and real. And don’t worry, she has a lot of weaknesses. Like a phobia for kitchen or something. And she is still quite naive, and cannot picture how harsh the world she is entering.

                            That is part of the characterization too. I think each character’s writing style speaks something about their character. Perhaps this one is not clear yet, but in future chapter it will be more obvious. Plus this story will be told in comic form, and there are many things I feel inconvenient expressing in the script. You will get what I mean when you see the comic.

                            You are a wonderful character, lilly. You must have been written by the Alan Moore or Miyazaki of my universe.

                            [/hide]

                            Yeah, that's what I was thinking. You said yourself that writing, especially in english, is not your real strength, So I guess you will feel a lot more comfortable with expressing stuff in the form of picture. And that should include getting your point across much clearer and more directly to the reader.
                            You know what they say: a picture is worth a thousand words.
                            Maybe all my concerns will dissolve once I see it drawn, since the drawn piece can create an atmosphere and a character build up that is possible, but rather hard to get across with just words.
                            But aslong as you manage to create a difference between the grown up and the young Ashina, all is good.
                            My concern was that we wouldn't see much difference, since 14 year old Ashina appears like she hasn't much room to improve and it would become hard to top that. But if you already have realistic developmemt for the older Ashina planned, disregard my point and carry on!😄

                            For some strange reason, I can only post by editing old posts now. Sorry for the inconvenience.

                            Well that's kinda weird… you should ask the staff around here how to fix this, and if there's no way maybe start a new thread in consultation with them...

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                            • ChesCa
                              ChesCa
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                              ChesCa
                              spiral
                              ChesCa
                              spiral

                              I finally reread it.
                              Okay, so some stuff was made clear, but I still think there are a couple of drawbacks.
                              First the good:
                              Charvante blackmailing Ferninand with his wife's rape, and Fern realizing what he must do to stay free of him. His wife agreed to it obviously. This does fit his character more.
                              There are sentences supporting that Ashina just wanted to embarrass the king.
                              Needs work:
                              I know this is just a script format, but even in comic script there is some description to help make the mood more clear. It would help make Ashina seem rebellious if we could see the crowd's face as she backtalks the king, the confusion when he reacts to it well and the lemming like applause when he declares that he'll strengthen the nation.
                              The other one…this may be just me, but Saria wanting to bite her tongue in front of her daughter after the poison gets knocked out seems a bit much and only serves to show Ashina sacrificing her finger. The mood before the drinking was really somber, like it was business and she didn't want to do it. It would make more sense for me personally if she was stunned by the act but didn't want to traumatize her daughter. I was actually under the impression why they wanted to do it in private in the first place.
                              That said....you still get these important details buried somewhat under a lot of verboseness and description, so it would help serve if you got the words to flow more, er, cleanly I guess, and make the important details more visible. Right now, I do wonder what sort of score I would give if I knew all this, but I still missed a lot due to the style, so I'm taking the safe route and keeping it the same. 😕
                              On second visit though, after your explanation, things do make sense. You just need to make it more clear as you write. FTR, I had this problem too. That's why I usually keep my stuff succinct and to the point. You, on the other hand, just have to get used to refining your particular style. Hope this helps.

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