What? Do you have an oversensitive nose and people smell weird or something?
YES, FUCK YES I have a beyond oversensitive nose. I can smell funk from a mile off, bad smells (especially BO) make my skin crawl. Can't tolerate anything that stinks (especially rotten food and animal pee). Hahaha XDDDDD That's not what repulses me about people though, in general. Though if someone reeks of not showering for a couple of days they can GTFO.
Naw I do not like guys who make any kind of sexual joke or reference about me (which is all of them), I'm only ok with people I am really familiar with joking in that sort of way. It immediately makes me suspicious and uncomfortable. I also have been asked out by a few men old enough to be my father >_>
There's one guy I wish I had given a chance, after I got to know him better I realized he was a really swell guy, but his coming on a little strong (which is probably not very strong for most people at all) made me shut down. Other then that it's usually creepers or guys outside of the age gap I'm really comfortable with (and I'm willing to stretch it quite a bit). Also shut down anyone who's sarcastic and makes a lot of hateful comments or jokes to "just mess with me". I don't find that funny at all. Anyone that comes at me and just appears to have sketchy motives makes me freeze.
In all honesty I am scared of ever entering an abusive relationship. I don't want to be hurt in that kind of relationship simply out of the fear of what I'd do. It would involve nothing short of murder (if restraining orders were ignored and my life was threatened). I hate confrontations and getting into fights so I try to avoid it all costs. I keep my mouth shut and let myself get walked on sometimes because if I were to lash out, it would be so very ugly. I'm also ashamed that I can't seem to be the type who can easily solve problems, I just remove myself from situations. I also fear this makes me look like I have no self control and I /know/ I appear to be an ugly and hateful person at a times. I think on the inside I'm a pretty happy and loving person, with a lot to share with others, but I've drudged through so much shit so early in life I'm not in the mood to be tossed around and teased or "pretend" to be happy when I'm really not.
I don't know what to do to be happy with what I have. I want and feel I very badly need to move away from family, and putting some distance between myself and then will probably help me even out a bit more. Nothing would be better then having a nice, safe, and calm place to come home from work to just unwind and relax. I've never really had that. But that's not able to become reality yet, and I've had to resort to pushing everyone away because I don't want to further damage my relationships with my self destructive attitude and depression. When I feel like I've taken one step forward, I really go three steps back because I never seem to get to the real root of my problems.
Simply, the only person who ever really pushed and supported me is dead and I'm stuck trying to get out of a lifelong mudpit all alone, and it's made me crabby and eternally sad. I'm the only one who can do anything to fix my life, and that's just fine. It does suck when there is no one around you can talk to, vent to, share things with, or just hang out and have fun with. I just wish I could find someone who will listen to my problems (and push me out of them) like I've been able to do with some people .___. I know I care a lot (too much, sometimes), but that's not enough in the least to anybody.
….... That became infinitely deeper then what I planned to say.