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Confession Session - LOCK THIS THREAD
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I need an opinion on something.
! I have violent thoughts directed towards hurting my parents (i.e. stabbing them) and the fear of losing control/actually doing it, and going to jail and/or prison because of it. (These violent thoughts ARE NOT directed towards anyone else, which is good, though I don't know why they are focused on my parents solely when I love them dearly). (I have been watching shows on Discovery ID lately–the crime channel--and have glanced at shows about jail and prison 'life' more recently--though, I really want to avoid them, even though I find them interesting).
! I am not a violent person; I have absolutely NO criminal record, nor do I do drugs or drink alcohol (or plan to, for that matter). I have (practically) never hit my parents, or anyone else for that matter. When I get angry I get vocal, not physical, or try and avoid the situation completely until the mood becomes better.
! I don't show much in the way of emotion, which, I question myself not being a 'good' person because of it. I think I should show more emotion (empathy), because, in the long run, it would make me a better individual. I think if I don't show emotion to the plights of others that I'm some sort of bad person; especially if I let out a giggle, which, from time-to-time (I will admit), I do.
! I am quite the anxious individual (and somewhat paranoid), and, have a minor (to moderate) case of OCD; mostly centering around obsessive thoughts (not actions) it seems. (A psychologist I'm seeing is the one who diagnosed me with it; I don't take any medication). I'm actually fearful of these violent (negative) thoughts directed towards my parents, because they are so out of character from myself (in my 21 years of life), and I'm afraid I'll lose control and act on them--even though I don't want to.
! Am I going insane? -
@The:
I need an opinion on something.
! I have violent thoughts directed towards hurting my parents (i.e. stabbing them) and the fear of losing control/actually doing it, and going to jail and/or prison because of it. (These violent thoughts ARE NOT directed towards anyone else, which is good, though I don't know why they are focused on my parents solely when I love them dearly). (I have been watching shows on Discovery ID lately–the crime channel--and have glanced at shows about jail and prison 'life' more recently--though, I really want to avoid them, even though I find them interesting).
! I am not a violent person; I have absolutely NO criminal record, nor do I do drugs or drink alcohol (or plan to, for that matter). I have (practically) never hit my parents, or anyone else for that matter. When I get angry I get vocal, not physical, or try and avoid the situation completely until the mood becomes better.
! I don't show much in the way of emotion, which, I question myself not being a 'good' person because of it. I think I should show more emotion (empathy), because, in the long run, it would make me a better individual. I think if I don't show emotion to the plights of others that I'm some sort of bad person; especially if I let out a giggle, which, from time-to-time (I will admit), I do.
! I am quite the anxious individual (and somewhat paranoid), and, have a minor (to moderate) case of OCD; mostly centering around obsessive thoughts (not actions) it seems. (A psychologist I'm seeing is the one who diagnosed me with it; I don't take any medication). I'm actually fearful of these violent (negative) thoughts directed towards my parents, because they are so out of character from myself (in my 21 years of life), and I'm afraid I'll lose control and act on them--even though I don't want to.
! Am I going insane?I think you should talk to your psychologist about it (or find someone else in a professional sense if you're not comfortable with that). Sometimes dwelling on stuff like this on your own can make things worse after time.
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@The:
I need an opinion on something.
! I have violent thoughts directed towards hurting my parents (i.e. stabbing them) and the fear of losing control/actually doing it, and going to jail and/or prison because of it. (These violent thoughts ARE NOT directed towards anyone else, which is good, though I don't know why they are focused on my parents solely when I love them dearly). (I have been watching shows on Discovery ID lately–the crime channel--and have glanced at shows about jail and prison 'life' more recently--though, I really want to avoid them, even though I find them interesting).
! I am not a violent person; I have absolutely NO criminal record, nor do I do drugs or drink alcohol (or plan to, for that matter). I have (practically) never hit my parents, or anyone else for that matter. When I get angry I get vocal, not physical, or try and avoid the situation completely until the mood becomes better.
! I don't show much in the way of emotion, which, I question myself not being a 'good' person because of it. I think I should show more emotion (empathy), because, in the long run, it would make me a better individual. I think if I don't show emotion to the plights of others that I'm some sort of bad person; especially if I let out a giggle, which, from time-to-time (I will admit), I do.
! I am quite the anxious individual (and somewhat paranoid), and, have a minor (to moderate) case of OCD; mostly centering around obsessive thoughts (not actions) it seems. (A psychologist I'm seeing is the one who diagnosed me with it; I don't take any medication). I'm actually fearful of these violent (negative) thoughts directed towards my parents, because they are so out of character from myself (in my 21 years of life), and I'm afraid I'll lose control and act on them--even though I don't want to.
! Am I going insane?Are you… mad at them at all? Frustrated? That's kinda how I am with my mom... but she is a bigass woman-child, who can't be arsed to even go feed herself on her own/bathe regularly, and has the reasoning capabilities of a 5 year old. And is as dirty as those people on hoarders (Like their kitchens, she can make ours look like that IN A DAY, A FRIGGEN DAY). I love my mother, and long to have a good and normal relationship with her... And I know that moving out is the only way that's ever going to happen >__>
I would look at it and try to figure out what is making you feel that way about them? It's pretty obvious to me why I feel that way about my mother >_>
Identify those reasons and speak to a counselor, maybe try one that deals with cognitive behavioral therapy. If you think its an UNREASONABLE emotion (hey, a lot of people feel like they want to go postal on their parents/siblings/coworkers/random strangers, even if they'd never act on it), or just all around undesirable and you can't live with it, then try this out. CBT is logic-based reasoning that helps you change how you think about problems and issues that arise and how you respond to them. I'm really emotional, and a lot of things (stupid and otherwise, but mostly stupid) get under my skin and get me down and depressed horribly, but with this I've been able to learn and deal with issues that arise, and its ultimately built upon itself over the years and I've become capable of ignoring and dealing with things I never imagined I would, including tolerating my mother better.... but there's only so much woman-child dramatics and ungodly odors and levels of trash one can take.... And I have seen counselors, psychiatrists (I used to have major anxiety problems... again most coming to light dealing with my mother, and they pretty much went away in time with my CBT skills), and my regular doctor... who have all told me the same thing time and time and time again: You need to get the hell out of your mothers house. There's only so many problems changing your thinking can solve XD
But give it a try, definitely ponder on your reasonings of WHY you think that way (there's usually SOME reason you have thoughts about hurting someone, even if you're normally overly emotional in the head), and seek a counselor to speak to. They can help tremendously. And I recommend it over a psychologist who is just going to talk to you for 5 minutes then start throwing medicine at you. You may feel that working through your thought processes and changing your thinking helps with the anxiety too.
And when I was a nervous, anxiety-ridden trainwreck/paranoid as fuck I didn't have an empathy or much concern for anyone else, I was lost in the "oh shit I am going to die" mindtrap world that was my life. It became easier and easier as time passed and I got myself in order... but I'm still not perfect, I still think I have to think too hard about it, and that makes ME feel like a bad person (that being empathetic and selfless should just come natural to you... that may not be entirely realistic but that was something burned into my head growing up that always made me feel inadequate and selfish... another thing I've had to overcome (though caring for others is wonderful and good! Just don't kill yourself/drive yourself crazy doing it, then its not for the right reasons) . Your paranoia and anxiety could very easily be keeping you in "me mode" and drawing your attention away from others. I think thats normal for that sort of thing, so don't feel at all that you're a bad person.
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Confession since I'm bored and I'm anonymous here. At least I hope I'm anonymous, that's backfired on me before on other sites lol.
warning: incredibly bad feels
! I dunno if I'm depressed or anything, but lately I get a lot of suicidal thoughts. Always generally been a happy-go-lucky and upbeat guy, was fairly social and well-liked by people. Always had a good outlook on people and such. But this past year I've kinda broke down and don't care about anything anymore, and have a hard time caring about anyone. I feel very jaded and spiteful of many people. I can't count the amount of times I've been stabbed in the back or let down in recent times. A lot of the time I question if anyone would care if I was around anymore, and I'm fairly certain no one would care if I were gone, and I think some wouldn't even notice. This applies to my own family too, seeing as they're extremely abusive people. I literally do not have any love for them at this point, and I feel like living at home with them kinda contributes to why I feel so bad all the time.
! Makes me wonder if my old upbeat and nice persona was just some facade I had to pretend I was actually happy, since honestly, I've become too bitter to remember what happy was. I literally haven't cracked even a half-smile in months. I was feeling more down during the spring, but I haven't really gone back to being happy, but rather apathetic. I kinda hate being in the mood I've been in, and I don't foresee any change happening. Just kinda hard to admit to myself that I'm not quite how I used to be. I feel like I'm just gonna be one of those guys where they say "wow, he seemed so happy. I never would have expected him to blah blah" and I'd rather avoid that. But at this point I feel like it's inevitable.No idea if anyone here can relate to something like this, but it helps me feel better when I type these things out. So yeah. I used to never be the type who would ever admit something like this, which is why I feel so conflicted.
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Confession since I'm bored and I'm anonymous here. At least I hope I'm anonymous, that's backfired on me before on other sites lol.
warning: incredibly bad feels
! I dunno if I'm depressed or anything, but lately I get a lot of suicidal thoughts. Always generally been a happy-go-lucky and upbeat guy, was fairly social and well-liked by people. Always had a good outlook on people and such. But this past year I've kinda broke down and don't care about anything anymore, and have a hard time caring about anyone. I feel very jaded and spiteful of many people. I can't count the amount of times I've been stabbed in the back or let down in recent times. A lot of the time I question if anyone would care if I was around anymore, and I'm fairly certain no one would care if I were gone, and I think some wouldn't even notice. This applies to my own family too, seeing as they're extremely abusive people. I literally do not have any love for them at this point, and I feel like living at home with them kinda contributes to why I feel so bad all the time.
! Makes me wonder if my old upbeat and nice persona was just some facade I had to pretend I was actually happy, since honestly, I've become too bitter to remember what happy was. I literally haven't cracked even a half-smile in months. I was feeling more down during the spring, but I haven't really gone back to being happy, but rather apathetic. I kinda hate being in the mood I've been in, and I don't foresee any change happening. Just kinda hard to admit to myself that I'm not quite how I used to be. I feel like I'm just gonna be one of those guys where they say "wow, he seemed so happy. I never would have expected him to blah blah" and I'd rather avoid that. But at this point I feel like it's inevitable.No idea if anyone here can relate to something like this, but it helps me feel better when I type these things out. So yeah. I used to never be the type who would ever admit something like this, which is why I feel so conflicted.
! Oh yes, I can indeed relate to it. Only difference is I experienced these thoughts throughout middle school, then they went away at high school (so they lasted about 2 years).
! I'm ridiculously happy and have been for years, just on cloud nine, and I still get suicidal thoughts. Something will trigger them when a small problem arises, I'll think of how easy of a way out it is, then they'll go away.
! …I would've already very, very likely committed suicide if it wasn't for One Piece. It's what pulled me back into the world and keeps me here. It's my barrier against suicide. Anytime the thoughts arise, my subconscious goes, "Wait that means no One Piece + other stuff, tough it out!"
! So light suicidal thoughts, in my opinion, are normal. Now the question is… Are they in-depth? Do you think of the method of how you're going to kill yourself? 'Cause that's the main difference between the casual thoughts of it I have now and the intense thoughts I had of it in middle school, actually attempting it.
! Next I need to know the amount of time you have to spend with your abusive parents. If it's not a large amount of time, then I would go ahead and practice smiling in the mirror for 5 minutes everyday, thinking to yourself, "They're only a small portion of my life. There's so much more out there waiting for me. Hang in there." All I can say is if you do have to spend a lot of time with them, lie, do whatever it takes to get away from them in your own little bubble or with friends. Just away from the abuse.
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! Oh yes, I can indeed relate to it. Only difference is I experienced these thoughts throughout middle school, then they went away at high school (so they lasted about 2 years).
! I'm ridiculously happy and have been for years, just on cloud nine, and I still get suicidal thoughts. Something will trigger them when a small problem arises, I'll think of how easy of a way out it is, then they'll go away.
! …I would've already very, very likely committed suicide if it wasn't for One Piece. It's what pulled me back into the world and keeps me here. It's my barrier against suicide. Anytime the thoughts arise, my subconscious goes, "Wait that means no One Piece + other stuff, tough it out!"
! So light suicidal thoughts, in my opinion, are normal. Now the question is… Are they in-depth? Do you think of the method of how you're going to kill yourself? 'Cause that's the main difference between the casual thoughts of it I have now and the intense thoughts I had of it in middle school, actually attempting it.
! Next I need to know the amount of time you have to spend with your abusive parents. If it's not a large amount of time, then I would go ahead and practice smiling in the mirror for 5 minutes everyday, thinking to yourself, "They're only a small portion of my life. There's so much more out there waiting for me. Hang in there." All I can say is if you do have to spend a lot of time with them, lie, do whatever it takes to get away from them in your own little bubble or with friends. Just away from the abuse.My family, eh. I'm 21 years old, so that's about how long I've been with them. My thoughts started in December '11. This is gonna be a doozy, but here's my family life:
! My father is very apathetic about me. He was there if I needed a place to stay, and paid for stuff when I was in desperate need, but he's just so apathetic. It's like he doesn't care about me and he just does stuff to get me to go away. He's said that if I were gay, he would disown/kill me. Of course, I am gay, so I can't really be open about that at his home. He's more-or-less the bum surfer stoner type who sleeps around with women now(my parents are separated).
! My mother is horrible. She hit me a lot as a kid and as I grew up. She would drink around me sometimes. She's not a good drunk. She would do drugs(no, not weed. the worse stuff) and was in prison for a while. My own half-brother was born while she was in prison. My whole life she always verbally abused me. I can't think of many days where she wouldn't scream at me and pull me by my hair and such over nothing. The physical abuse toned down, though she had recently threatened to punch me cause she was having her own anger issues. There was psychological abuse to, her insulting me for being more intelligent than her when really young, and her telling me my friends don't like me at all or saying my brother is gonna grow up to be able to beat me up. There were many times even in recent years where she flat out made me cry, usually in private. I also remember her trying to get me to go through some test vaccine thing to bring extra money in for her. I was never really allowed to have friends over as a kid, and there was a few years after my sister started acting up that I couldn't leave the house to see my friends either. So I was generally lonely for a long while there and only saw friends at school. But even then, I didn't always go to school cause she wouldn't always take me, often for no reason other than she didn't feel like it. She still does that with my brother. I had to go to a local university cause it was cheaper on me and I hadn't built up enough on scholarships and financial aid and such, so I still go to school locally even though I'd rather go out of the area, hence why I still live here.
! My sister is just disgusts me. She is with a complete loser, she started having kids when she was a teen, so far having a son and twins. She's a horrible parent, the kids having to go to the hospital several times now cause she neglected them(ie them falling off tall surfaces, etc). She even lets them play with pill bottles. She had started teaching them to not call our dad their grandpa. She started teaching her son to call me a faggot. She used to call me retard when I was a kid cause I was really quiet and such. She burdens everyone and gets in frequent fights with her boyfriend that result in the cops being called. I remember being a young teenager and always having to deal with my mom and her fighting in the house. She would sometimes grab a hammer or some blunt weapon prepared to use it for whatever reason. She'd threaten to hurt me a few times during said fights, even though they never had anything to do with me. I spent a lot of my time just hiding in my room and trying to ignore things and keep myself from crying or anything.
! My brother is just meh. He makes zero effort in school, having failed most of his classes freshman year(he'll be a junior this coming school year). He's unhealthy, and is kind of a douche since he's sold some of my own stuff without my permission. I remember him hiding my inhaler once when I desperately needed it.
! I remember lots of other things like no one wanting to call an ambulance or anything when I was going into a severe allergic reaction I coulda died from. Anaphylactic shock. When I was 18, I started developing a lot of nightmares and panic attacks. I eventually started therapy to help deal with that, and the therapist traced a lot of it to my family being the cause of those. To make matters more hard on me, I've been told a few times that they just keep me around cause they want me to help them retire. Hardly makes me feel loved. I'm the only one in the family who has actually graduated high school properly(my sister was in juvenile and graduated via some program they have). I was really gifted and excelled in most subjects to a college level before I was even 10, being the single smartest child in every elementary school I went to. I make friends with usually good people who don't cause trouble. I always have to keep my family a huge secret because I'm just don't want people to become associated with them. The few people I talk about my family to? They tell me I don't need this family in my life. They tell me to try to get out of here, that I'm being held back. I agree, but it's hard to try to get out. Can't afford to move out. It's crazy expensive in this area and they won't let me go off to school or my mom will punish me in some way.As for how in-depth I get?
! Well, I often go to sleep just wishing I wouldn't wake up. I generally look up how would be the way to go. What would be painless. What would be effective. I once thought very heavily about trying to harm vital organs, but snapped out of it, remembering that at the time I had an ex-boyfriend who would really care. Another problem is that I am pretty unhappy with non-family things as they are right now. Those are things that I feel will change with time, but it's still pretty overwhelming at times.
Reading One Piece actually helps me too. The series is really fun and I can't imagine not seeing how it ends. An ex-boyfriend even noticed that this manga seems to mean something special to me and read it with me. That guy means so much to me. I often find myself just reading chapters cause it helps me cope and escape thoughts of my own life for a while.
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Confession since I'm bored and I'm anonymous here. At least I hope I'm anonymous, that's backfired on me before on other sites lol.
warning: incredibly bad feels
! I dunno if I'm depressed or anything, but lately I get a lot of suicidal thoughts. Always generally been a happy-go-lucky and upbeat guy, was fairly social and well-liked by people. Always had a good outlook on people and such. But this past year I've kinda broke down and don't care about anything anymore, and have a hard time caring about anyone. I feel very jaded and spiteful of many people. I can't count the amount of times I've been stabbed in the back or let down in recent times. A lot of the time I question if anyone would care if I was around anymore, and I'm fairly certain no one would care if I were gone, and I think some wouldn't even notice. This applies to my own family too, seeing as they're extremely abusive people. I literally do not have any love for them at this point, and I feel like living at home with them kinda contributes to why I feel so bad all the time.
! Makes me wonder if my old upbeat and nice persona was just some facade I had to pretend I was actually happy, since honestly, I've become too bitter to remember what happy was. I literally haven't cracked even a half-smile in months. I was feeling more down during the spring, but I haven't really gone back to being happy, but rather apathetic. I kinda hate being in the mood I've been in, and I don't foresee any change happening. Just kinda hard to admit to myself that I'm not quite how I used to be. I feel like I'm just gonna be one of those guys where they say "wow, he seemed so happy. I never would have expected him to blah blah" and I'd rather avoid that. But at this point I feel like it's inevitable.No idea if anyone here can relate to something like this, but it helps me feel better when I type these things out. So yeah. I used to never be the type who would ever admit something like this, which is why I feel so conflicted.
I felt that way at one point, but that's mainly because I surrounded myself with people that made me feel bad about myself. And this isn't envy or anything silly like that. There's just a point where I felt like the magic truly died, and it greatly bothered me. Sometimes I found myself wishing things were as happy and simple like they used to be, but no. There's alot of drama. Alot of backstabbing. Alot friends choosing sides and being intimidated at each other, and heck… being spiteful or more open to negative feelings that were bottled up for so long. I fell for the trap of the latter, and I'm greatly regretting doing so. Why?
I realized that not everyone within my own circle has turned sour over the years. There's still a few that do live most of their days positively, without caring to be involved in stuff that may as well be a distraction. So now, I'm giving that try again. Just being happy go lucky me. I honestly hate being miserable around other people that drag me down, or use me for their own amusement just because they are miserable(or just angry).
So you are wondering where I'm going with this. What I'm saying here is you should look at yourself and decide whether or not you like the changes you are going through. I'm assuming you don't since you cared enough to post about it. Just give yourself some time and think before you end up becoming the person you hate. It's never too late to, because well. There's always going to be people that appreciate and cherish what you personally like about yourself.
Sorry if this comes across as too naive or optimistic, but it's in my blood and I'm not going to bother helping it.
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@The:
I need an opinion on something.
! I have violent thoughts directed towards hurting my parents (i.e. stabbing them) and the fear of losing control/actually doing it, and going to jail and/or prison because of it. (These violent thoughts ARE NOT directed towards anyone else, which is good, though I don't know why they are focused on my parents solely when I love them dearly). (I have been watching shows on Discovery ID lately–the crime channel--and have glanced at shows about jail and prison 'life' more recently--though, I really want to avoid them, even though I find them interesting).
! I am not a violent person; I have absolutely NO criminal record, nor do I do drugs or drink alcohol (or plan to, for that matter). I have (practically) never hit my parents, or anyone else for that matter. When I get angry I get vocal, not physical, or try and avoid the situation completely until the mood becomes better.
! I don't show much in the way of emotion, which, I question myself not being a 'good' person because of it. I think I should show more emotion (empathy), because, in the long run, it would make me a better individual. I think if I don't show emotion to the plights of others that I'm some sort of bad person; especially if I let out a giggle, which, from time-to-time (I will admit), I do.
! I am quite the anxious individual (and somewhat paranoid), and, have a minor (to moderate) case of OCD; mostly centering around obsessive thoughts (not actions) it seems. (A psychologist I'm seeing is the one who diagnosed me with it; I don't take any medication). I'm actually fearful of these violent (negative) thoughts directed towards my parents, because they are so out of character from myself (in my 21 years of life), and I'm afraid I'll lose control and act on them--even though I don't want to.
! Am I going insane?If you don't want to go to jail then don't make it so obvious that you did it also use public internet such as a library if you're going to look at how to do it without getting caught because they can just look at your home internet history if you use your home's because your internet company keeps track of your history on their end as well so removing the history on your computer will not remove it!
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@Law:
If you don't want to go to jail then don't make it so obvious that you did it also use public internet such as a library if you're going to look at how to do it without getting caught because they can just look at your home internet history if you use your home's because your internet company keeps track of your history on their end as well so removing the history on your computer will not remove it!
I'm not sure if I understand this right… Are you encouraging him to commit the crime without getting caught?
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@Law:
If you don't want to go to jail then don't make it so obvious that you did it also use public internet such as a library if you're going to look at how to do it without getting caught because they can just look at your home internet history if you use your home's because your internet company keeps track of your history on their end as well so removing the history on your computer will not remove it!
Uhhhhh yeah…..
Don't listen to him.
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My family, eh. I'm 21 years old, so that's about how long I've been with them. My thoughts started in December '11. This is gonna be a doozy, but here's my family life:
! My father is very apathetic about me. He was there if I needed a place to stay, and paid for stuff when I was in desperate need, but he's just so apathetic. It's like he doesn't care about me and he just does stuff to get me to go away. He's said that if I were gay, he would disown/kill me. Of course, I am gay, so I can't really be open about that at his home. He's more-or-less the bum surfer stoner type who sleeps around with women now(my parents are separated).
! My mother is horrible. She hit me a lot as a kid and as I grew up. She would drink around me sometimes. She's not a good drunk. She would do drugs(no, not weed. the worse stuff) and was in prison for a while. My own half-brother was born while she was in prison. My whole life she always verbally abused me. I can't think of many days where she wouldn't scream at me and pull me by my hair and such over nothing. The physical abuse toned down, though she had recently threatened to punch me cause she was having her own anger issues. There was psychological abuse to, her insulting me for being more intelligent than her when really young, and her telling me my friends don't like me at all or saying my brother is gonna grow up to be able to beat me up. There were many times even in recent years where she flat out made me cry, usually in private. I also remember her trying to get me to go through some test vaccine thing to bring extra money in for her. I was never really allowed to have friends over as a kid, and there was a few years after my sister started acting up that I couldn't leave the house to see my friends either. So I was generally lonely for a long while there and only saw friends at school. But even then, I didn't always go to school cause she wouldn't always take me, often for no reason other than she didn't feel like it. She still does that with my brother. I had to go to a local university cause it was cheaper on me and I hadn't built up enough on scholarships and financial aid and such, so I still go to school locally even though I'd rather go out of the area, hence why I still live here.
! My sister is just disgusts me. She is with a complete loser, she started having kids when she was a teen, so far having a son and twins. She's a horrible parent, the kids having to go to the hospital several times now cause she neglected them(ie them falling off tall surfaces, etc). She even lets them play with pill bottles. She had started teaching them to not call our dad their grandpa. She started teaching her son to call me a faggot. She used to call me retard when I was a kid cause I was really quiet and such. She burdens everyone and gets in frequent fights with her boyfriend that result in the cops being called. I remember being a young teenager and always having to deal with my mom and her fighting in the house. She would sometimes grab a hammer or some blunt weapon prepared to use it for whatever reason. She'd threaten to hurt me a few times during said fights, even though they never had anything to do with me. I spent a lot of my time just hiding in my room and trying to ignore things and keep myself from crying or anything.
! My brother is just meh. He makes zero effort in school, having failed most of his classes freshman year(he'll be a junior this coming school year). He's unhealthy, and is kind of a douche since he's sold some of my own stuff without my permission. I remember him hiding my inhaler once when I desperately needed it.
! I remember lots of other things like no one wanting to call an ambulance or anything when I was going into a severe allergic reaction I coulda died from. Anaphylactic shock. When I was 18, I started developing a lot of nightmares and panic attacks. I eventually started therapy to help deal with that, and the therapist traced a lot of it to my family being the cause of those. To make matters more hard on me, I've been told a few times that they just keep me around cause they want me to help them retire. Hardly makes me feel loved. I'm the only one in the family who has actually graduated high school properly(my sister was in juvenile and graduated via some program they have). I was really gifted and excelled in most subjects to a college level before I was even 10, being the single smartest child in every elementary school I went to. I make friends with usually good people who don't cause trouble. I always have to keep my family a huge secret because I'm just don't want people to become associated with them. The few people I talk about my family to? They tell me I don't need this family in my life. They tell me to try to get out of here, that I'm being held back. I agree, but it's hard to try to get out. Can't afford to move out. It's crazy expensive in this area and they won't let me go off to school or my mom will punish me in some way.As for how in-depth I get?
! Well, I often go to sleep just wishing I wouldn't wake up. I generally look up how would be the way to go. What would be painless. What would be effective. I once thought very heavily about trying to harm vital organs, but snapped out of it, remembering that at the time I had an ex-boyfriend who would really care. Another problem is that I am pretty unhappy with non-family things as they are right now. Those are things that I feel will change with time, but it's still pretty overwhelming at times.
Reading One Piece actually helps me too. The series is really fun and I can't imagine not seeing how it ends. An ex-boyfriend even noticed that this manga seems to mean something special to me and read it with me. That guy means so much to me. I often find myself just reading chapters cause it helps me cope and escape thoughts of my own life for a while.
Well I can't sort out those problems, all I can really do since I'm young as well is give some advice that helped me.
This world, although there are always selfish people who try to ruin it for their own good, has many things worth sticking around for. I see those people as stains on another-wise beautiful painting (the Earth).
Anything you can think of in life, there's a whole culture and history behind it you can explore. Anything at all you can look at in your room is something with lots of history behind it: glassware, the paint, wood… Everything. And that's just in your house/apartment. All of that was the result of human creativity, and still continues to be created upon to this day. Outside of your house? There's the beautiful, natural landscapes of the Earth (here's some pictures that may inspire you: http://imgur.com/a/WqOwx#6) (all pictures there are real and I have 'em as wallpapers)… there's the hundreds of thousands of restaurants with all kinds of foods you have yet to try... oh, and when a food or landscape doesn't exist? We create it in books, manga, lyrics, 3D technology, etc. Oh and the unbelievably vast array of animals that exist. So basically what I'm saying, anything you can think of, there's so many variations on that thing and history behind it that it's ridiculous. That's the world. Some idiots try to fuck it up, but in my opinion for everyone of those major fuck-ups, there's 1000's of people trying to inspire people when they get uninspired from the corruption of the government etc.
You're a genius and what I'm clearly seeing from that family is jealousy of you. You're the black sheep of that family in the best way possible. You're like some type of radiant, glowy sheep. And in my opinion, if you are smiling through all of that, then you are winning. It's not some kind of "fake" smile. All I see about you smiling is your situation is someone who is punched getting back up from it and smiling, like it was nothing. Practice that resilience.
You have some things holding you back, but you're getting ever... ever closer to bursting out and showing the world who's the fucking boss. You're 21, you've gone this long, you can go a little longer until you're out of there. "I survived that shit. Bring on whatever else you got, world."
-
Well I can't sort out those problems, all I can really do since I'm young as well is give some advice that helped me.
This world, although there are always selfish people who try to ruin it for their own good, has many things worth sticking around for. I see those people as stains on another-wise beautiful painting (the Earth).
Anything you can think of in life, there's a whole culture and history behind it you can explore. Anything at all you can look at in your room is something with lots of history behind it: glassware, the paint, wood… Everything. And that's just in your house/apartment. All of that was the result of human creativity, and still continues to be created upon to this day. Outside of your house? There's the beautiful, natural landscapes of the Earth (here's some pictures that may inspire you: http://imgur.com/a/WqOwx#6) (all pictures there are real and I have 'em as wallpapers)… there's the hundreds of thousands of restaurants with all kinds of foods you have yet to try... oh, and when a food or landscape doesn't exist? We create it in books, manga, lyrics, 3D technology, etc. Oh and the unbelievably vast array of animals that exist. So basically what I'm saying, anything you can think of, there's so many variations on that thing and history behind it that it's ridiculous. That's the world. Some idiots try to fuck it up, but in my opinion for everyone of those major fuck-ups, there's 1000's of people trying to inspire people when they get uninspired from the corruption of the government etc.
You're a genius and what I'm clearly seeing from that family is jealousy of you. You're the black sheep of that family in the best way possible. You're like some type of radiant, glowy sheep. And in my opinion, if you are smiling through all of that, then you are winning. It's not some kind of "fake" smile. All I see about you smiling is your situation is someone who is punched getting back up from it and smiling, like it was nothing. Practice that resilience.
You have some things holding you back, but you're getting ever... ever closer to bursting out and showing the world who's the fucking boss.
The thing with my family is that I think I've spent a lot of years just flat out repressing my feelings regarding them. When those feelings finally came to light, it took a bad effect on my personality and way of thinking. One person was there to help me deal with it, and he's honestly one of the few reasons I keep on going - I just want to make myself happy again to make him happy for me again. I recently was starting to come to terms with my old self again, but feelings got overwhelming again and I just can't talk to the guy anymore and I don't know when I'll be able to talk to him again. Not til I've cooled down, which I've been in the process of doing. When this guy and I are on good terms again, I think that's when I'll be on a good way to being more happy again.
And I do get that some of them are jealous of my intelligence. If I try to correct them on something related to health or whatever mundane thing, they just take it as me calling them stupid even though I'm just trying to help. And I'm the black sheep in other ways too. I'm the one who is most talented, is most fit, etc. and it really shows and for some reason I feel like a douche. Like wtf do I have to do to please them. I used to want their approval and love so much, but I just stopped caring.
-
@Law:
If you don't want to go to jail then don't make it so obvious that you did it also use public internet such as a library if you're going to look at how to do it without getting caught because they can just look at your home internet history if you use your home's because your internet company keeps track of your history on their end as well so removing the history on your computer will not remove it!
You're a really terrible poster.
-
You're a really terrible poster.
Especially when I said I in no way want to commit to the scenario(s) that my crazy mind is conjuring. In fact, when I do get a thought like that, it makes me (somewhat) physically ill and anxious.
I dwell on the bad thoughts, giving them more power than they should have (especially when most people have them throughout their life). They make me feel like something's wrong with me, like I'm a bad person for even think such negative things (since they're so out of my norm).
-
My family, eh. I'm 21 years old, so that's about how long I've been with them. My thoughts started in December '11. This is gonna be a doozy, but here's my family life:
! My father is very apathetic about me. He was there if I needed a place to stay, and paid for stuff when I was in desperate need, but he's just so apathetic. It's like he doesn't care about me and he just does stuff to get me to go away. He's said that if I were gay, he would disown/kill me. Of course, I am gay, so I can't really be open about that at his home. He's more-or-less the bum surfer stoner type who sleeps around with women now(my parents are separated).
! My mother is horrible. She hit me a lot as a kid and as I grew up. She would drink around me sometimes. She's not a good drunk. She would do drugs(no, not weed. the worse stuff) and was in prison for a while. My own half-brother was born while she was in prison. My whole life she always verbally abused me. I can't think of many days where she wouldn't scream at me and pull me by my hair and such over nothing. The physical abuse toned down, though she had recently threatened to punch me cause she was having her own anger issues. There was psychological abuse to, her insulting me for being more intelligent than her when really young, and her telling me my friends don't like me at all or saying my brother is gonna grow up to be able to beat me up. There were many times even in recent years where she flat out made me cry, usually in private. I also remember her trying to get me to go through some test vaccine thing to bring extra money in for her. I was never really allowed to have friends over as a kid, and there was a few years after my sister started acting up that I couldn't leave the house to see my friends either. So I was generally lonely for a long while there and only saw friends at school. But even then, I didn't always go to school cause she wouldn't always take me, often for no reason other than she didn't feel like it. She still does that with my brother. I had to go to a local university cause it was cheaper on me and I hadn't built up enough on scholarships and financial aid and such, so I still go to school locally even though I'd rather go out of the area, hence why I still live here.
! My sister is just disgusts me. She is with a complete loser, she started having kids when she was a teen, so far having a son and twins. She's a horrible parent, the kids having to go to the hospital several times now cause she neglected them(ie them falling off tall surfaces, etc). She even lets them play with pill bottles. She had started teaching them to not call our dad their grandpa. She started teaching her son to call me a faggot. She used to call me retard when I was a kid cause I was really quiet and such. She burdens everyone and gets in frequent fights with her boyfriend that result in the cops being called. I remember being a young teenager and always having to deal with my mom and her fighting in the house. She would sometimes grab a hammer or some blunt weapon prepared to use it for whatever reason. She'd threaten to hurt me a few times during said fights, even though they never had anything to do with me. I spent a lot of my time just hiding in my room and trying to ignore things and keep myself from crying or anything.
! My brother is just meh. He makes zero effort in school, having failed most of his classes freshman year(he'll be a junior this coming school year). He's unhealthy, and is kind of a douche since he's sold some of my own stuff without my permission. I remember him hiding my inhaler once when I desperately needed it.
! I remember lots of other things like no one wanting to call an ambulance or anything when I was going into a severe allergic reaction I coulda died from. Anaphylactic shock. When I was 18, I started developing a lot of nightmares and panic attacks. I eventually started therapy to help deal with that, and the therapist traced a lot of it to my family being the cause of those. To make matters more hard on me, I've been told a few times that they just keep me around cause they want me to help them retire. Hardly makes me feel loved. I'm the only one in the family who has actually graduated high school properly(my sister was in juvenile and graduated via some program they have). I was really gifted and excelled in most subjects to a college level before I was even 10, being the single smartest child in every elementary school I went to. I make friends with usually good people who don't cause trouble. I always have to keep my family a huge secret because I'm just don't want people to become associated with them. The few people I talk about my family to? They tell me I don't need this family in my life. They tell me to try to get out of here, that I'm being held back. I agree, but it's hard to try to get out. Can't afford to move out. It's crazy expensive in this area and they won't let me go off to school or my mom will punish me in some way.As for how in-depth I get?
! Well, I often go to sleep just wishing I wouldn't wake up. I generally look up how would be the way to go. What would be painless. What would be effective. I once thought very heavily about trying to harm vital organs, but snapped out of it, remembering that at the time I had an ex-boyfriend who would really care. Another problem is that I am pretty unhappy with non-family things as they are right now. Those are things that I feel will change with time, but it's still pretty overwhelming at times.
Reading One Piece actually helps me too. The series is really fun and I can't imagine not seeing how it ends. An ex-boyfriend even noticed that this manga seems to mean something special to me and read it with me. That guy means so much to me. I often find myself just reading chapters cause it helps me cope and escape thoughts of my own life for a while.
Oh wow, I was kinda shocked reading this, because it's something I could've posted about myself! (minus a few differences)
Well I'd basically say a lot of the same stuff I posted above regarding the last poster, so there's not much use just recopying that text wall XD But it was a type of therapy that worked for me and has helped me become more stable.
Why would your mom punish you for moving out? Also if you manage to become self-sufficient and not rely on your family, you can always tell her to go fuck herself. My mom has atleast TRIED to be good, I know that she is also massively depressed. She's apathetic, sounding a lot similar to your dad (my dad did something horrible to her, but shes never going to tell anyone about that… I dont want to know, but talk to a therapist please, woman and get yourself straightened out @_@) . She just does what she thinks will make me happy, but she is never emotionally avalible and if I try to talk to her about anything she just sits there. Or gives me stupid advice, and not encouragement or support that I REALLY need right now... I think having a good relationship with her will only come when we don't live together, and not have to live with her nastiness and stupid fit-throwing.
If she was hitting me all the time, I'd call the cops on her >> I wouldn't put up with that (she hit me once when she lost her temper bigtime when I was maybe 7-8, but she felt super bad about it.. and sometimes still apologizes randomly for it XD Back then she would throw massive temper tantrums and scream and cry. A couple of times ripping all the books and movies off of my shelves and screaming and cussing then going off randomly with no fucking explanation for why she went nutso... I was sitting in my room watching TV, not doing anything >> all evening. I had to clean it all up too) She was nuts, then eventually she turned apathetic and just did... nothing. Sit around and watch TV all day, never throw her trash out, make giant messes and never clean them up, leave food out everywhere... it is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And I can't keep up with it to clean it up, she can destroy the whole place in a day.
I atleast had my grandma though. She could be unreasonable, overly demanding, and expected perfection out of everyone. Her standards were so outrageously high, some of them I've come to found out were emotionally hurtful and retarded, and left me with a lot of negative hateful thoughts about how I see myself. I was mad at her all the time, but I really don't even think about that anymore. She atleast gave a shit, in her own way, was the only person who really ever showed me any love or affection, and stepped up and was more of a mother to me then my mom. I'm forever grateful that my grandparents let me spend the weekends, summers, and holidays with them... Or I may have offed myself long ago.
When my anxiety and issues with my mom were reaching critical mass (my grandpa came and got me, even came to my school and explained everything to them and they let me take a week off), my grandma found out she had stage 4 colon cancer. The next year and a half changed everything, and me and my grandma got over stupid bullshit and made peace once and for all. And when she died, the painful realization that no one is going to be emotionally available to me, was (and sometimes still is) a major blow.
I love my grandpa and he cares the world for me, but he's a cinder block when it comes to talking about feels or emotions.... And he's gripy and bitchy and super critical, talking to him about anything is not going to make you feel better about yourself. XD And I really don't have any GOOD friends (I do have one awesome friend online, but I try not to overburden him with my feels XD) that I can just sit and bitch and release and laugh with... Everyone has kinda written me off. Like i'm some kind of leper because I'm depressed, and "I should just see the good in life and just keep smiling" and all of that bullshit.
I wouldn't let the people like that get under your skin, most of them are generally oblivious. They mean well, but they have no idea how to fucking deal with stuff. It's annoying, and I think some of them should keep their mouths shut, but I don't let it bug me anymore. People are going to stay pointless stupid shit thinking its going to make you feel better even though its just stings. And makes you madder. I lost a good friend, because I went postal on her for posting that kind of mean-spirited bullshit when I had asked her politely to stop (and all of the "normal" people thought there was nothing wrong with what she posted, even though it was patronizing and rude, and that I shouldn't have let it bothered me) Now I just ignore people like that, it's not worth drama.
What I've done that has worked for me (with the help of the CBT) is just learning how to be emotionally self-sufficient, and keep going under my own will-power and not need emotional support from others to function. Now I'm not very happy, I want someone I can talk to and hang out with and be close to. I gained 50 pounds in a year from the bullshit of working at walmart. I'm so miserable and tired of my nasty mother.... But I strangely am not giving up (used to, I would've). Because I know all I'm going to do is go back down if I do. I can get up and go and push myself and challenge and improve myself and act like I am ok and actually am ok with that. I know I'm not naturally a sad or depressed person. I still laugh and smile, even though I feel like epic shit all the time. The thing is, I don't want to be.
I'd just start making a plan for getting out. Find some roommates, either friends or on CL if you have to. Maybe see if there's a local CC that offers skill programs where you do a few months of training then go onto work a skilled job. Like medical billing and coding, medical assistant, pharmacy technician, etc. (there are non-healthcare options too, I just forget what all there was, besides welding and lawn mower repair XD) I went the pharmacy tech route, and its not bad (just never work at Walmart... I seriously contemplated suicide while working there... and I'm not a suicidal person D:)
I'm 21 too, and I know with the job and the right amount of determination, it's totally possible. My problem is running out of money because I'm an impulse shopper, but I think I've found the way to deal with that >_> Hopefully I'll be on my way here soon... I just have to find a new job.
What impresses me and lets me know how far I've come is how much I challenged myself with this last job. I usually let my emotions and feelings get in the way and do a bad job/not get out of bed. But I would get up and get dressed, get to work on time, smile and always give excellent customer service and quality in my work. I was always getting compliments from co-workers and customers and I never let my bad moods affect giving a good performance, nor death cramping pain from IBS stopped me either.... And yet, a week and a half ago at the start of my 5 day vacation, I got a phone call letting me know I was terminated effective immediately (I was working as an independant contractor, it had been well past my probation period and I had applied to become full time.... they said while my customer service and work quality was excellent, I got up to go to the bathroom too many times and therefore I cost them too much productivity (I flared up my IBS worrying myself sick about making sure I did everything right to keep this job...) and that I took longass breaks all the time... and if they bothered to check the timeclock I was frequently taking short breaks/clocking back in exactly 14-15 minutes till... but I guess because I did follow-ups and made outbound calls to customers/doctors to make sure requests got received instead of just waiting for phone calls to come that usually never did (if we were busy I made sure I was on the phone constantly, no exception)....)
And while I did spend the day I got that call, doing this:
The next day I was pretty much over it. That's a load of bullshit, and I don't want to work anywhere like that. I could fall into a deep depression and hate myself, but I'm not. I'm going to try something new and move on. It pisses me off because I was so close to finally get to where I could move out, then I get blind-sided like that. It's not fair and its stupid, but that's life.
I think you just gotta find something… anything, a determination (like to get away from your crazy family) and roll with it. I mean its not full-proof. I'm not happy, I have been depressed for so long I just sit around and do nothing and contemplate going out and laying in the road and waiting for something to run me over. But I am a lot better off then where I was a year ago, especially 2 years ago, and even more so 3 years ago. I'm improving my life and I'm doing it ALONE, and it feels great to know that I am capable of that, when I've been told all of my life that I am a horrible and bad person for being the way I am. I can laugh and I can smile, things please me and I can find little bits and pieces of joy... even though I'm still not returning to all the things that brought me joy before, I'm working towards it, and I know it's going to return someday. I just have a lot of hope and determination to make it happen, and that's enough to keep me from jumping off a bridge right now XD
As for your siblings... I couldn't tell you what to do there. I'm glad I have none, because if I had siblings like that... Oh boy, it wouldn't be pretty (for them)
Sorry for another text wall... but I think trying to relate to people and reach out emotionally is a lot better then a short and curt "JUST SMILE AND BE HAPPY LIFE IS GOOD JUST FIND SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK!"
Like wtf do I have to do to please them. I used to want their approval and love so much, but I just stopped caring.
Also this… You're never going to win their approval. There's nothing you can do to change them or get them to magically be ok. They're fucked up, and the only thing that is going to change that is if they realize it themselves and want to make a change. And you know, if you get your life together and are sucessful and happy away from them, they (or one of them) might see that and think about themselves a little harder.
That's like step one: Accept the things you cannot change. Realize you are on your own and you must create your own happiness.
I said that I hate that "Well you can just CHOOSE to be happy bullshit" because it's entirely non-productive to tell anyone that who is depressed. But in a way... you can change your thoughts on how you think and respond to situations, and in return it changes your mood. It eliminates some anxiety and... you might feel happier. Or atleast more content. And it's a long process, and not easy, but holy shit does it work. I'm not by any means happy with my life, but the ability to no longer let all of the little bullshit get under my skin and ruin my day is such a MAJOR accomplishment and that alone makes me really happy.
But yeah TL;DR: You're not going to be happy until you get away from your family. It's toxic. And you deserve better. Keep your nose to the grindstone and work on getting your own place/finding some roommates. Screw what they think, my mom and grandpa gave me a lot of bullshit about trying to move out, telling me I couldn't do it. My mom is actually pretty supportive now (shes mad that I bitch at her all the time about her nastiness XDDDD), my grandpa still bitches and moans but I just ignore it >_> Thats what he does. I just have to show with my actions that I can do it, and everything will work out ok in the end.
-
@Law:
If you don't want to go to jail then don't make it so obvious that you did it also use public internet such as a library if you're going to look at how to do it without getting caught because they can just look at your home internet history if you use your home's because your internet company keeps track of your history on their end as well so removing the history on your computer will not remove it!
Fare thee well, Looking at You, the second.
Now cracks a noble heart. Good-night, sweet prince;
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. -
Oh wow, I was kinda shocked reading this, because it's something I could've posted about myself! (minus a few differences)
Well I'd basically say a lot of the same stuff I posted above regarding the last poster, so there's not much use just recopying that text wall XD But it was a type of therapy that worked for me and has helped me become more stable.
Why would your mom punish you for moving out? Also if you manage to become self-sufficient and not rely on your family, you can always tell her to go fuck herself. My mom has atleast TRIED to be good, I know that she is also massively depressed. She's apathetic, sounding a lot similar to your dad (my dad did something horrible to her, but shes never going to tell anyone about that… I dont want to know, but talk to a therapist please, woman and get yourself straightened out @_@) . She just does what she thinks will make me happy, but she is never emotionally avalible and if I try to talk to her about anything she just sits there. Or gives me stupid advice, and not encouragement or support that I REALLY need right now... I think having a good relationship with her will only come when we don't live together, and not have to live with her nastiness and stupid fit-throwing.
If she was hitting me all the time, I'd call the cops on her >> I wouldn't put up with that (she hit me once when she lost her temper bigtime when I was maybe 7-8, but she felt super bad about it.. and sometimes still apologizes randomly for it XD Back then she would throw massive temper tantrums and scream and cry. A couple of times ripping all the books and movies off of my shelves and screaming and cussing then going off randomly with no fucking explanation for why she went nutso... I was sitting in my room watching TV, not doing anything >> all evening. I had to clean it all up too) She was nuts, then eventually she turned apathetic and just did... nothing. Sit around and watch TV all day, never throw her trash out, make giant messes and never clean them up, leave food out everywhere... it is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And I can't keep up with it to clean it up, she can destroy the whole place in a day.
I atleast had my grandma though. She could be unreasonable, overly demanding, and expected perfection out of everyone. Her standards were so outrageously high, some of them I've come to found out were emotionally hurtful and retarded, and left me with a lot of negative hateful thoughts about how I see myself. I was mad at her all the time, but I really don't even think about that anymore. She atleast gave a shit, in her own way, was the only person who really ever showed me any love or affection, and stepped up and was more of a mother to me then my mom. I'm forever grateful that my grandparents let me spend the weekends, summers, and holidays with them... Or I may have offed myself long ago.
When my anxiety and issues with my mom were reaching critical mass (my grandpa came and got me, even came to my school and explained everything to them and they let me take a week off), my grandma found out she had stage 4 colon cancer. The next year and a half changed everything, and me and my grandma got over stupid bullshit and made peace once and for all. And when she died, the painful realization that no one is going to be emotionally available to me, was (and sometimes still is) a major blow.
I love my grandpa and he cares the world for me, but he's a cinder block when it comes to talking about feels or emotions.... And he's gripy and bitchy and super critical, talking to him about anything is not going to make you feel better about yourself. XD And I really don't have any GOOD friends (I do have one awesome friend online, but I try not to overburden him with my feels XD) that I can just sit and bitch and release and laugh with... Everyone has kinda written me off. Like i'm some kind of leper because I'm depressed, and "I should just see the good in life and just keep smiling" and all of that bullshit.
I wouldn't let the people like that get under your skin, most of them are generally oblivious. They mean well, but they have no idea how to fucking deal with stuff. It's annoying, and I think some of them should keep their mouths shut, but I don't let it bug me anymore. People are going to stay pointless stupid shit thinking its going to make you feel better even though its just stings. And makes you madder. I lost a good friend, because I went postal on her for posting that kind of mean-spirited bullshit when I had asked her politely to stop (and all of the "normal" people thought there was nothing wrong with what she posted, even though it was patronizing and rude, and that I shouldn't have let it bothered me) Now I just ignore people like that, it's not worth drama.
What I've done that has worked for me (with the help of the CBT) is just learning how to be emotionally self-sufficient, and keep going under my own will-power and not need emotional support from others to function. Now I'm not very happy, I want someone I can talk to and hang out with and be close to. I gained 50 pounds in a year from the bullshit of working at walmart. I'm so miserable and tired of my nasty mother.... But I strangely am not giving up (used to, I would've). Because I know all I'm going to do is go back down if I do. I can get up and go and push myself and challenge and improve myself and act like I am ok and actually am ok with that. I know I'm not naturally a sad or depressed person. I still laugh and smile, even though I feel like epic shit all the time. The thing is, I don't want to be.
I'd just start making a plan for getting out. Find some roommates, either friends or on CL if you have to. Maybe see if there's a local CC that offers skill programs where you do a few months of training then go onto work a skilled job. Like medical billing and coding, medical assistant, pharmacy technician, etc. (there are non-healthcare options too, I just forget what all there was, besides welding and lawn mower repair XD) I went the pharmacy tech route, and its not bad (just never work at Walmart... I seriously contemplated suicide while working there... and I'm not a suicidal person D:)
I'm 21 too, and I know with the job and the right amount of determination, it's totally possible. My problem is running out of money because I'm an impulse shopper, but I think I've found the way to deal with that >_> Hopefully I'll be on my way here soon... I just have to find a new job.
What impresses me and lets me know how far I've come is how much I challenged myself with this last job. I usually let my emotions and feelings get in the way and do a bad job/not get out of bed. But I would get up and get dressed, get to work on time, smile and always give excellent customer service and quality in my work. I was always getting compliments from co-workers and customers and I never let my bad moods affect giving a good performance, nor death cramping pain from IBS stopped me either.... And yet, a week and a half ago at the start of my 5 day vacation, I got a phone call letting me know I was terminated effective immediately (I was working as an independant contractor, it had been well past my probation period and I had applied to become full time.... they said while my customer service and work quality was excellent, I got up to go to the bathroom too many times and therefore I cost them too much productivity (I flared up my IBS worrying myself sick about making sure I did everything right to keep this job...) and that I took longass breaks all the time... and if they bothered to check the timeclock I was frequently taking short breaks/clocking back in exactly 14-15 minutes till... but I guess because I did follow-ups and made outbound calls to customers/doctors to make sure requests got received instead of just waiting for phone calls to come that usually never did (if we were busy I made sure I was on the phone constantly, no exception)....)
And while I did spend the day I got that call, doing this:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v321/otakurealm/tumblrimages/tumblr_m6409sqg451r55kxc.gif
The next day I was pretty much over it. That's a load of bullshit, and I don't want to work anywhere like that. I could fall into a deep depression and hate myself, but I'm not. I'm going to try something new and move on. It pisses me off because I was so close to finally get to where I could move out, then I get blind-sided like that. It's not fair and its stupid, but that's life.
I think you just gotta find something… anything, a determination (like to get away from your crazy family) and roll with it. I mean its not full-proof. I'm not happy, I have been depressed for so long I just sit around and do nothing and contemplate going out and laying in the road and waiting for something to run me over. But I am a lot better off then where I was a year ago, especially 2 years ago, and even more so 3 years ago. I'm improving my life and I'm doing it ALONE, and it feels great to know that I am capable of that, when I've been told all of my life that I am a horrible and bad person for being the way I am. I can laugh and I can smile, things please me and I can find little bits and pieces of joy... even though I'm still not returning to all the things that brought me joy before, I'm working towards it, and I know it's going to return someday. I just have a lot of hope and determination to make it happen, and that's enough to keep me from jumping off a bridge right now XD
As for your siblings... I couldn't tell you what to do there. I'm glad I have none, because if I had siblings like that... Oh boy, it wouldn't be pretty (for them)
Sorry for another text wall... but I think trying to relate to people and reach out emotionally is a lot better then a short and curt "JUST SMILE AND BE HAPPY LIFE IS GOOD JUST FIND SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OK!"
The issues you've experienced in your life make mine seem very very small, and it makes me appreciate my life more. (I mean that in the nicest way possible). Truly… You're an inspirational individual.
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@The:
I need an opinion on something.
! I have violent thoughts directed towards hurting my parents (i.e. stabbing them) and the fear of losing control/actually doing it, and going to jail and/or prison because of it. (These violent thoughts ARE NOT directed towards anyone else, which is good, though I don't know why they are focused on my parents solely when I love them dearly). (I have been watching shows on Discovery ID lately–the crime channel--and have glanced at shows about jail and prison 'life' more recently--though, I really want to avoid them, even though I find them interesting).
! I am not a violent person; I have absolutely NO criminal record, nor do I do drugs or drink alcohol (or plan to, for that matter). I have (practically) never hit my parents, or anyone else for that matter. When I get angry I get vocal, not physical, or try and avoid the situation completely until the mood becomes better.
! I don't show much in the way of emotion, which, I question myself not being a 'good' person because of it. I think I should show more emotion (empathy), because, in the long run, it would make me a better individual. I think if I don't show emotion to the plights of others that I'm some sort of bad person; especially if I let out a giggle, which, from time-to-time (I will admit), I do.
! I am quite the anxious individual (and somewhat paranoid), and, have a minor (to moderate) case of OCD; mostly centering around obsessive thoughts (not actions) it seems. (A psychologist I'm seeing is the one who diagnosed me with it; I don't take any medication). I'm actually fearful of these violent (negative) thoughts directed towards my parents, because they are so out of character from myself (in my 21 years of life), and I'm afraid I'll lose control and act on them--even though I don't want to.
! Am I going insane?I can only recommend talking about it with your psy in details . It might be cause of some frustrations but I can't really say anything about it.Also perhaps talk about medication if needed
Confession since I'm bored and I'm anonymous here. At least I hope I'm anonymous, that's backfired on me before on other sites lol.
warning: incredibly bad feels
! I dunno if I'm depressed or anything, but lately I get a lot of suicidal thoughts. Always generally been a happy-go-lucky and upbeat guy, was fairly social and well-liked by people. Always had a good outlook on people and such. But this past year I've kinda broke down and don't care about anything anymore, and have a hard time caring about anyone. I feel very jaded and spiteful of many people. I can't count the amount of times I've been stabbed in the back or let down in recent times. A lot of the time I question if anyone would care if I was around anymore, and I'm fairly certain no one would care if I were gone, and I think some wouldn't even notice. This applies to my own family too, seeing as they're extremely abusive people. I literally do not have any love for them at this point, and I feel like living at home with them kinda contributes to why I feel so bad all the time.
! Makes me wonder if my old upbeat and nice persona was just some facade I had to pretend I was actually happy, since honestly, I've become too bitter to remember what happy was. I literally haven't cracked even a half-smile in months. I was feeling more down during the spring, but I haven't really gone back to being happy, but rather apathetic. I kinda hate being in the mood I've been in, and I don't foresee any change happening. Just kinda hard to admit to myself that I'm not quite how I used to be. I feel like I'm just gonna be one of those guys where they say "wow, he seemed so happy. I never would have expected him to blah blah" and I'd rather avoid that. But at this point I feel like it's inevitable.Might indeed be the beginning of a depression , I suggest talking about it with perhaps your parents and/or doctor to see if it is like that or not
Hope things will go better for you two and sorry for the rather short opinion
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I know you're cool mettemine, but alot of her post was about how her parents are unsupportive/how abusive her mother is. She CAN'T get any support or encouragement from her family, that's part of why she is reaching out trying to figure out what to do. She also states she knows she is in a depressed and overwhelmed state and she knows that it's not right. I know ya mean well, but sometimes statements like that can really sting a person.
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@metteminne:
I can only recommend talking about it with your psy in details . It might be cause of some frustrations but I can't really say anything about it.Also perhaps talk about medication if needed
Might indeed be the beginning of a depression , I suggest talking about it with perhaps your parents and/or doctor to see if it is like that or not
Hope things will go better for you two and sorry for the rather short opinion
I've already talked to my psy about it, and he thinks medicine isn't needed–because I'm only a 'minor case' (which I somewhat agree). He's basically the one that diagnosed me with generalized anxiety, and a minor case of OCD (focusing on the obsessive thought).
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@The:
I've already talked to my psy about it, and he thinks medicine isn't needed–because I'm only a 'minor case' (which I somewhat agree). He's basically the one that diagnosed me with generalized anxiety, and a minor case of OCD (focusing on the obsessive thought).
Your doc sounds like a good guy. When I was younger, I had just gone to a bunch of doctors who really didn't care about talking to me, threw me a bunch of medicine that did jack shit, and gave me no real coping skills or advice to actually work through my problems and actually accomplish anything. My mom finally stopped making me go when I got something that doped me out (on the first dose) to where I was massively loopy and I had to drive like 5 MPH to keep straight/keep from crashing into anything.
I finally found a GP who actually gives a shit, and diagnosed/acknowledged and treated my other health issues, to where I didnt feel like a sack of shit exhausted and in pain all the time XD He tried me on a couple of medicines that made me worse/also doped me out and then I found one that hit the gold. I also was seeing the GBT counselor at this time, so I was getting the guidence and help I needed to straighten out my life under my own power too. I got past the point of needing anxiety medication, and under most cases I am totally fine without taking this one med (I had to take it while I worked at walmart because it got me out of the funk of just wanting to die and kept me going and kept me relatively content), and now i'm taking the lowest dose but really don't need it. Considering how I responded to losing my job I think I've done ok XD He mostly wants me to keep taking it so I don't get so depressed about my mother >> He's not a therapist, but you can tell he actually gives a shit, and he does spend assloads of time researching and attending lectures on just about everything (and teaching as well). I never want to deal with any doctor like the ones I put up with growing up ever again >> ((I did have a nice psychologist for a short while, she only gave me anti-anxiety medication that helped put a massive dent in stopping the panic attacks/facilitating logical thoughts instead, but she had a baby and quit so I didn't get to spend a lot of time with her >_> I visited with one more guy who was kind of a douche, and I decided not to bother with that route ever again))
No if you're not in a state where your life is completely in shambles or you've become disabled from your anxiety/depression, you can definately resolve your issues without getting doped up. A good therapist/counselor can do wonders, provided they actually try and help give you guidence and not just a bunch of "Well how do you feel about that?". If you're feeling anxious and depressed, you ALWAYS need to get help though, in any shape or form before it gets to that debilitating stage. Talk to your doctor, if they're a douche find another doctor. Ask for recommendations for counselors/therapists, hit the internet (or if you have insurance, use their covered providers search tool to find one, when we had Aetna they had a seriously badass tool that let me search for just about any kind of therapist/counselor you could think of)… Unless you live in small town BFE 50+ miles from civilization (and even then you still may find a few), there are all kinds of therapists/counselors EVERYWHERE. I had no idea there were so many, most are not advertised and listed anywhere but insurance search engines and special sites. This is like, one of the most valuble uses of your time searching for a good therapist/counselor. It is like massively worth it.
I mean, if you are in a BAD bad state, like I got into for a short while, medication can be the great kick in the ass/boost that will get you on your feet and get you going, without it I never would've stuck to my therapy and kept on thinking logically and improving myself. And now I'm at where I really don't need it/some things I don't need at all anymore. Like I said, I have legit health issues and already take enough medication just to keep my body from trying to be a douche, no more plz. But there are people who have to take it long term because they may have a legitimate condition (chemical imbalance) or are so severely depressed/anxious they can't function without it... And that's ok too. You do what you have to do to get yourself right and well, just don't feel pressured into HAVING to take medication, especially if you feel its not something impacting your life on a grand scale.
I was against medicine for awhile because of how bad it affected me/all the crap that didn't work, but I got to a low point where I needed it to get out of bed and go to work and function. And I used the gained stability to work on my thinking and reactions, and I got to where I started to be able to deal with SO much more, and in the long run it impoved my quality of life tremendously. And getting out of that shitty ass job made all the difference in the world. Sometimes there are situations that are awful, no matter what, and the only cure is getting the hell out.
@The:
The issues you've experienced in your life make mine seem very very small, and it makes me appreciate my life more. (I mean that in the nicest way possible). Truly… You're an inspirational individual.
Awww thank you :3
Everyone has their own hurdles and obstacles that seem big and unbearable to them. Some people's are more extreme then others, but that doesn't really matter. It's all relative.
People tell me all the time I should be thankful and that my life could be worse. And it could, and I don't devalue what I do have. I DO have it relatively good. I may have a nasty dirty mother, but she isn't trying to kick me out of the house, she's not going to let me starve or get in a bind. Sure she can be difficult (thankfully, its no where as difficult as she used to be), but I have all the things I need to live and be comfortable and then some (I just have to keep learning to be content with it, I really do have too much XD But i'm an emotional impulsive buyer as well (one of the bad habits my mother imparted to me)… I deleted my debit card off of amazon and my CC off of paypal, hopefully this is will help me get over that hurdle once and for all). Not to mention the lengths my mom has gone to make sure I still have health coverage. I just... when I think about that, I have nothing to bitch about, really >_>
And when I get tired of my mother, I can go hang out at my grandpa's house. It's out in the country, got a pool I don't have to share with anyone, peace and quiet, no stinky mother XD And my grandparents always provided for me, my grandma always bought my clothes and even got me food, when my mom got in a bind and couldnt even buy food (she was in massive debt forever, my grandma used some of her cancer money to pay off my mom's remaining debts and my mom cancelled her CCs... so that improved a lot between me and my mom... except she is still also an impulsive buyer addicted to QVC and HSN >_>)...
I'm forever thankful for my grandparents, I would not have had an easy or comfortable life without them, and I don't know where I'd be right now. Not here, not doing as well as I am, for sure. And my grandpa bought me my vehicles, paid for my insurance, takes care of all the maintenance, pays for all of our cellphones (my grandparents and me and my mom have shared a cellphone plan for years, now that my grandpa is retired and on SS and our bill is outrageous, I'll get my own phone line when my thing is up next year >> And my mom should do the same, though he is bitching profusely about me doing that, it's still there right thing to do XD) And if I didn't have a car, my life would be a flaming pile of shit >> .... I do have it good, and have a lot to be thankful for. Yes, I had a hard life starting out (thank you douchebag abusive father and crazy bitch wife... but he finally stopped being an ass and then left me alone.... it was all definately for the best XD I havent talked to him in 9 years I think) . Yes I ended up with some emotional problems and severe anxiety issues. Yes thats all a pain when I already have health issues like massive acid reflux (started when I was 7, I spent nearly 3 years barely eating because I was in so much pain and deathly afraid/paranoid of vomiting), low thyroid that makes me an ungodly level of tired, and ADD that can be debilitatingly severe, I even got mocked and ridiculed by my teacher for it (though I was not formally diagnosed at the time, she ragged on me badly and made fun of me for doing the same things I do now... looking off in the distance when I talk/listen/doodling while I take notes... Hey, it gets the job done) ..... I mean, I could keep going on and on and on.
But I don't think any of those things necessarily make me, or should LABEL me as being anything bad. It's just my life, shit happens, and I am overcoming it. They're all just personal issues I had the unfortunate privilege of having to deal with, but life is not easy, nor is guaranteed to be good. You get shit on, and I think the ultimate joy in life is overcoming all of that shit and building your own life and your own happiness by your own hands.
And this kind of amazes me. When I was in my anxiety-filled state, I couldn't feel any appreciation for what I had. Everything was shit and wrong and I hated it all. Now I actually feel like there is good in my life and I can find some contentment and happiness, even if my emotional state/social life is in the toilet XD
TL;DR: Everyone has issues and obstacles in their life. So you feel like you having this strange and crazy thought about hurting someone is so scary and severe that it's effecting your life, then that IS a big deal for you. Don't let anyone make you think that something that's causing you a lot of stress is "not a big deal". There's a reason for it, and sometimes its as simple as changing how you think and respond to things, that starts a chain reaction that breaks the anxiety chain and straightens a lot of things out. I am bad about over-thinking, I can put myself in a tizzy over-thinking and over-analyzing until I make myself insane/anxious. So I turned it into a power for good, and over-analyzed myself and my responses and reactions to stuff.... And I realized I was being overly dramatic. Made a lot of simple changes, here and there I went along and, suddenly I could deal with a lot of dumb shit I couldn't before. And now I do it unconsciously, incorporating it into my regular thinking. Sure I have lapses, and sometimes the urge to give up and cry and scream is powerful, but rather quickly the light bulb comes on, I analyze, and I get over it/start making a plan on getting to where I need to go.
Building my own happiness through my own willpower is the most enlightening thing I've ever done, and with the bonus side-effect I have even more empathy and patience and understanding of people. And when you make yourself happy and someone else tries to tear it down... Sure it might sting, but I've found its quite easy to tell those people to fuck off and keep on keeping on now... It's a lot easier to not get attached to people who are just going to pull you down (because I tried to latch onto everyone with a "LOVE MEEEEEEE" attitude, and that just set me up for massive failure and heartbreak >_>)
--- Update From New Post Merge ---
Edit: To clarify one thing, though improving your life over your own willpower is good, never be afraid to ask for help. Everybody needs a lift, and its not anything to be ashamed of >_> I would edit my post but it's timing out trying to load it back up to edit XD Maybe a mod can combine my post, or I'll try again later if its just the connection being finicky (or I've finally broke something with all of my text-walling)
And don't jump down my throught and think I'm being self-righteous, I just had a GIANT epiphany while writing this post, for the first time in my 21 years of life I have in all full honestly and full heart have admitted that my life is good. And for the first time ever I don't feel like I am living in a festering shithole, and even if my mom is gross this is not forever and I think I can deal with it even better and keep pushing forward.... Like I said, I have no one that I can talk to, really >_> And sometimes I get into these text walls and I think and write and solve a problem XD This is amazing, I have never felt that my life is meaningful or worth anything, and have gained even more confidence that I am going to make it and get through all of my lifetime of junk and be sucessful. This is a good day.
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I know you're cool mettemine, but alot of her post was about how her parents are unsupportive/how abusive her mother is. She CAN'T get any support or encouragement from her family, that's part of why she is reaching out trying to figure out what to do. She also states she knows she is in a depressed and overwhelmed state and she knows that it's not right. I know ya mean well, but sometimes statements like that can really sting a person.
If you're using "she" to refer to me, I'm a guy. And I'll read your long response to me later as I'm feeling a tad sick and am going back and forth with trying to get some sleep right now.
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If you're using "she" to refer to me, I'm a guy. And I'll read your long response to me later as I'm feeling a tad sick and am going back and forth with trying to get some sleep right now.
Oh I'm so sorry! I'll go back and look but I thought someone else referred to you as a she and I rolled with it >_> Probably misread (I thought you were a guy thought at first XD And then I thought I saw that) Edit: Ah yeah I did misread XD I apologize!
That's totally fine…. I am really bad at explaining stuff, I'm not skilled in the short and sweet responses ^^ Especially to these kinds of things, I think there's SO many things that can be said that I go way massively overboard ^^;;;
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My experience with psychiatric pills amount to:
1. They have a mild effect at first (I feel better)
2. Then symptoms worsen (because actual problems are not solved)
3. I go to see the doc again who either
a. prescribes heavier dosage (lazy doctor) or
b. takes me off the meds and tries new ones or
c. tells me that my symptoms are mild and suggests bibliotherapy (therapeutic reading) <- currently experiencing this approach -
I was wondering when Law of the Sea would kiss dirt; I love this forum, you bat an eyelash and poof, terrible poster is gone
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This post is deleted!
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Kitsune A. N. Inferno is a traitor
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Kitsune A. N. Inferno is a traitor
Stop using my penname in reverse. It ruins the magic.
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good i want to ruin you
–- Update From New Post Merge ---
you promised ;__________;
Handsome man save me from the monsters.
Avatar credits to rcerione
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Gotta love some backstabbing
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I told you this would happen.
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YOU put me up to it.
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It was your duty. And I enjoy watching this.
In Loving Memory of Toraish, Rex Avium: http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=40786 | 3DS Friend Code: 3196-4274-7836
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This post is deleted!
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See? Even the bots like it.
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Self esteem
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The bots seem to be all over the place. It's rather scary.
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This post is deleted!
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You guys need to stop having such casual conversations in here.
I could have sworn this was the PYD thread for a second.
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I don't understand what just happened. Ah well.
also i am sad to realize I still can't do a proper push up.
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also i am sad to realize I still can't do a proper push up.
I can't even touch my toes. Or do a push up.
… derp.
Slytherin all the way, baby~[[deviantART]](http://sry005.deviantart.com/)[[art tumblr]](http://artsycrapfromsai.tumblr.com/)[[Sai's Art Thread 2.0!]](http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=40075&p=3045242#post3045242)
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also i am sad to realize I still can't do a proper push up.
Don't worry, I was always sporty, but I could never do more than two push-ups.
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I can't even touch my toes. Or do a push up.
… derp.Let's start a Can't-Touch-My-Toes Club! Or we could… somehow... do something... to motivate us. Like... in order to get limber we could do the Renner stretch once a day! Then when we're really hardcore we can do tap dancing with Lassie.
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Let's start a Can't-Touch-My-Toes Club! Or we could… somehow... do something... to motivate us. Like... in order to get limber we could do the Renner stretch once a day! Then when we're really hardcore we can do tap dancing with Lassie.
AHAHahaha…. exercise.
Slytherin all the way, baby~[[deviantART]](http://sry005.deviantart.com/)[[art tumblr]](http://artsycrapfromsai.tumblr.com/)[[Sai's Art Thread 2.0!]](http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=40075&p=3045242#post3045242)
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AHAHahaha…. exercise.
the sad thing is, I remember in gym a long time ago… intermediate school I believe, I passed off my feeble struggles to the gym teacher as little over 40 push ups and now...
ARMS LIKE NOODLES. how did I manage both D.C. and Israel?? -
the sad thing is, I remember in gym a long time ago… intermediate school I believe, I passed off my feeble struggles to the gym teacher as little over 40 push ups and now...
ARMS LIKE NOODLES. how did I manage both D.C. and Israel??How??
I was one of the like… 5 students who bothered actually trying in gym class. So I did all those laps and runs and sports and stuff. I totally failed, but fuck, I tried. It got me a 100 in that class for three years. :U
Slytherin all the way, baby~[[deviantART]](http://sry005.deviantart.com/)[[art tumblr]](http://artsycrapfromsai.tumblr.com/)[[Sai's Art Thread 2.0!]](http://apforums.net/showthread.php?t=40075&p=3045242#post3045242)
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See, I have to be forced to it. and then in high school, I was always two steps behind everyone else, but I did it all, however poorly. I was always last to leave the room because I was struggling and because I knew it was dishonest to not do the full set. But if I don't have someone hitting me with a stick (rather literally in some cases :getlost:), I can't do it.
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I only managed to get a B in sports because we could get grades for dancing as well.
. 
